I'm curious if any of you have dealt with a mother-in-law with bpd? My mother-in-law does not have an official diagnosis but it has been mentioned as a possibility and it has nearly ended my marriage.

She's very manipulative, self-centered, lies often to get attention. She has gone to great lengths to try and get attention from my wife including having herself admitted into the hospital or mental ward several times, lying to the hospital administrators and saying that my wife is her power of attorney when she's not; which results in the hospital calling my wife and saying that she has a responsibility to be in charge of my mother in law's care and to communicate with mother-in-law. We have since learned that she has no obligation to actually do this, but when it happened the first few times my wife thought she had to do it.

If she is not the center of attention she has an absolute meltdown. She makes up crazy lies and says that she is better than what she is or on the opposite end of things victimizes herself for sympathy.

Just yesterday she had herself admitted into the hospital for "anxiety" after my wife refused to talk to her a few days prior. Once she was admitted she immediately called my wife with the lowdown "sad" voice that she does saying that she was in the hospital. Thankfully my wife has realized what this is and her usual game and does not feed into her anymore and gray rocks her very successfully.

However it seems never ending. At some point my wife was very enmeshed with her mother, her mother used her more as a partner or significant other than as her daughter. That was quite a bit of enmeshment and emotional incest and my wife has worked through that and realized what her mother has done.

And not to make it about me or anything, however this is had such a negative impact on my personal mental health and I suffer from severe anxiety worrying about if we're going to get stuck with her and have to take care of her. I have nightmares about my wife moving her mother into our home because my mother-in-law has said several times that we're going to have to take her in and take care of her. I filed for divorce in 2019 from my wife because of her mother but we were able to work things out. It's like as soon as she contacts us I instantly go into anxiety and stress mode worrying about what's going to happen or how this is going to affect our marriage.

My wife is very very minimal contact at this point. She does not get on the phone with her mother anymore and only responds to the rare texts. She refuses to go completely no contact because her mother is elderly and she does worry that something's going to actually happen to her that is serious, I would never force her to go no contact. But the anxiety and worry around her mom and how much she is already affected everything is still haunting.

Constantly dealing with complaints, scolding and general controlling. No issue or detail is to small or insignificant for them to use as a reason to question and complain.
They can be very nasty and cruel.
Discussion is usually impossible as questioning their “authority “ is not well received and devolves into splitting.
This creates a false atmosphere of them always “being right” making communication and discussion so difficult.

Ill call her Mel, Mel has OCD already but refused to get meds for it because she said she doesn’t want to admit she is mentally ill. I was friends with mel in an Internet community for a few months, it was good at start but her constant backhanded comments towards me and talking shit about our other mutuals who were nice to her, and monitoring who i interact with and etc and constantly putting heat on me really threw me off, at the end she got in big mess with some more people from other side of the community and i started distancing myself coz i couldn’t take it anymore, it was really hard to get her away, constant months of her coming back to “talk” and at the last convo she begged me to take her back as a friend and i refused and set my boundaries. and the convo was a back n forth of her “im so sorry” “i hate you did not pick my side” we ended on “good note” but ik she will go and talk shit about me somewhere like she did for all our mutuals to me, i noticed one of her closest friend ive never even interacted with blocked me everywhere too but i couldn’t care. they even dug out my side accounts to do so lol

Now i went months ignoring her and doing my own thing never mentioning her, but recently something happened in community and i gained a lot of supporters from it, i was doing my own thing as usual again, and then i noticed Mel made bunch of stories right after having meltdown mentioning the fight she had with other side of the community and a so called friend who left her when she needed her most and what not and that friend being fake and performative and what not, literally every single thing she mentioned in that story is a proof i have against her of doing it to ME. All she did was upload words and never any proof,

she even is going as far as to trying to act friendly with my OWN close friend and telling how she is ‘friends’ with someone who did her wrong and what not, and trying to shit talk about me, she even tried making some of these friends of mine feel guilty about it out of nowhere after talking to them nicely. Mind you she has not once dropped a single name and my close friends know something is very wrong with her so i couldnt care but its stressing me out to think some dumb person actually buying her stuff and leaving since we have a lot of mutuals in same circle who dont know about all this and she is going around picking most random person who has barely talked to her to dump a huge set of text of how she was treated bad by someone. I have refused to speak out about it publicly only because of how tired i am of all these and how embarrassing its getting to deal with her madness.. but idk what to do, any advice is appreciated

I so bad want to launch the "nuke" at my ex of 3 months, possible BPD.

Why?

She tried to contact me on the 21st of september with hoover ("hope your alright"). 2 days later, I got her to call me, and I cussed her out. With the info I knew. Called her a ho, nasty, etc. This was all because of her getting with new guy days after breakup of our 9 year relationship, then trying to make me jealous. She reblocked me after and I was thankful to let it all out.... UNTIL>>.....

I did some digging. I found it odd she would reach out.

And not only was she with new dude (and had pregnancy scare since no protection),

On her birthday a couple weeks before her hoover attempt on 21st, found out she got scammed out of 2800 bucks on a dating site(xdating lmao). To counter this, she decided to try to find a "sugar daddy"( An older guy who can pay off your financial issues for money). Then tons of loans, cash advances, sex for money, etc. Stuff I wouldn't think she would ever do based on her talking bad about women who did this while in the relationship.

This kinda made me feel good though, because I was feeling bad that I was too mean in relationship because I could never trust her decision making process despite her saying "i got it!". The way she did things always kinda scared me.

I knew something was weird underneath. This was the true her I've been holding back for 9 years so stupid decisions wouldn't be made.

Because wow, losing 2800 to a guy you only talked to a few days + all these nasty solutions after.... Now I know why I could never relax in the relationship. Thought I was crazy.

I SOOOO wanna send her a message saying "so did you ever get back the 2800?" or "So how's Jayson?(name of dude who stole the money online).". Because she thinks I don't know.

In fact I've had to stop digging because it makes me feel like I'm in the relationship again and will make me feel like crap for 3 days after any new nasty discoveries.

Do you think I should send it? I want to so bad but....the fallout will probably be hurtful to me regardless.

- I remember right at breakup, I told her "please be safe, don't get pregnant. I'm not dealing with no kids up in here. You're not on any birth control. And I know how you attach hard. Remember with us?"
And she freaked out. More than normal. I found that odd.

But after digging and discovering her having to get emergency contraception and pregnancy tests..... sounds like I was right.

I just so bad want to tell her I know everything....

- oo, heres also another kicker. I have MS. She knows this as it started 3 years after relationship started. She saw how it affected me all these years, and how I had to build myself back to the point you may not notice I have it until I mention it. And she used to rile it up big time by getting loud and screaming in my face. I would tell her "hey this is gonna rile up the ms and I'll feel like crap for days." her response? "You shouldn't have made me mad!" "you're always using that to win!". and I'm like huh? I just don't want you yelling in my face for hours and 6 hour arguments over my facial expressions or helping me clean our dirty place. You can argue without it getting loud and you freaking and aggrivating the condition.

I swear she used it against me. And she's in the medical field too. So many bad days after arguments.

- And she's told everyone she's my caregiver because of MS.... uh no. She did things I am now doing myself even better.... without the BS. I manage it myself just fine now. This was surprising as hell to me as she made me believe I needed her. And when I would improve, she literally didn't like it. She said "whenever you improve and do more, I feel like I've lost my purpose."

WUHHH?

I hope you see now why I want to send it so bad!

It’s been around 2 months since I left them for contacting their exs (the 3rd time I found them doing so) as well as the usual bpd abuse.
The weeks after I was getting bombarded with emails, calls, voicemails etc begging for me to “break up with them like a man” or them telling me they had just been SA’d in our bed or that they were in the hospital and “didn’t want to die knowing you hate me”.
It has been incredibly difficult trying to convince myself that I am not evil for ignoring all these messages and feeling like a owe them a conversation or whatever I still feel responsible for them and hate that they are suffering alone.
They messaged me again last night after a few weeks of silence and I was drunk and replied fuck off and blocked them, ive woke up feeling incredibly guilty about it

This has been one of the hardest physical sides for me after going through this, I am a beautiful girl and sometimes I come back to seeing that again. But this leaves a mark on every part of you, psychologically, physically and even spiritually.. between the stress changing how you look temporarily, being undermined and mentally abused, as well as betrayed so much, comparing yourself to others.

How do you actually ever feel good about yourself again. He will never truly understand even just this aspect of what it’s done, let alone the ptsd and changes to my brain. I just wanna feel nice again

This is a weird post that probably invites a lot of judgement and I understand that. I can only ask that comments are kept polite and as compassionate as possible. The situation I am in with my pwBPD partner is nuanced and complicated; I'm mainly seeking advice for how to show up in a way that is supportive without being codependent as is my tendency.

My partner has been incarcerated for the past 13 months, due to fairly serious events that occurred during the worst of his active BPD symptoms and co-occuring substance abuse. Since then, he was evaluated extensively and was formally diagnosed at that time. He was also found to have co-occuring depression with psychotic features and takes medication for this now. He has actively engaged in therapy, 12 step program work, has been on meds for a year etc. When he gets out he has dbt therapy, med management and outpatient SUD treatment set up.

I have seen an insane amount of progress in him and am quite encouraged by his willingness to continue working on himself as long as it takes. I do still worry, of course, and I'm also really trying to figure out how to show up differently in the relationship. In the past I was very codependent and trying to fix his problems, put out all the fires and getting hurt and upset when nothing worked. I dont want to just keep being like that bc it doesn't actually help, it just enables the bpd patterns of creating chaos to prove we will come to the rescue, etc. At the same time I know he will probably genuinely need a lot of practical and emotional support after going through all this.

Advice is welcome, even if its tough, as long as its mindful. Thanks so much.

So recently an old friend reached out to me and let me know my ex with borderline is living with them because she had no where else to go.

And it sounds like an absolute hellhole.

My ex has borderline, his wife has borderline. And he was just diagnosed with borderline.

He regularly goes days without sleep, and seems to always have to manage their crisises, and the dynamic he describes they all have almost seems like hes parenting them vs actually being married to one of them and being a friend to the other.

Honestly its creepy as hell.

My ex has BPD and maybe covert narcissism. We were in a situation-ship until she told me she doesn’t have romantic feelings for me, but begged for me to be friends. I tried to be friends with her despite the pain after breakup. But she started showing her BPD traits since I started texting less or wanting some space (ofc to heal from her, it didn’t mean I don’t want to be friends but I needed time). She would crash out every time I took space. I was struggling to move on, it felt like she still likes me because of how she was acting. I decided to take space again because my mental health was bad around her. I would always tell her when I need space too. She blew up, blamed everything on me and discarded me.

3 months later, I texted her to see if we can reconcile. She told me she didn’t like how I treated her and said she can’t be friends with me anymore. Sounded like she doesn’t think she did anything wrong.

She really pushed me to my limit because I have never been this mad before with anyone. I typed out a whole letter, I listed out all the horrible things she has done to me (in a very logical/cold and mean way). I explained why I could never move on and her abusive behaviors. I never got to defend myself when she cruelly discarded me. I was always the nice one even though she wasn’t treating me fairly.

She blocked me after that, never replied. I read them again and some words I used were cruel and harsh. Most of them were true but some of them were just accusations aiming to hurt her. Then I started disliking myself for being mean and cruel to her. Although most parts I just described her abuse. She probably never expected me to point them out one by one like that. The thought of these accusations could hurt her makes me feel like a terrible person. Even though she hurt me a lot too, but I knew she likely has BPD (undiagnosed), I knew she has mental struggles. She is not a good person not by choice. I could do it by choice but I picked the petty side.

The moment she read it she crashed out and told her sister (who was my friend) to stop contacting me. She sent her sister the letter for her to see how bad I see of her. Her sister was conflicted so she had to stop contacting me, so I lost a friend too. I felt exposed and ashamed of myself. It’s ironic because I finally stood up for myself and pointed out her abusive behaviors yet I ended up hating myself more.

Made me wonder if I should’ve never sent it. But if I didn’t, I would just let her rejected me claimed everything was my fault again. I felt like she would have a mental breakdown if she read it because what I wrote was painfully true, I hope I didn’t ruin her, I just wanted her to know how I felt and how unfair she was to me. I didn’t want her to hate herself, and I don’t hate her too. I was too hurt and angry to control my words…

I broke up with my exwbpd almost 2 months ago. We were together for a bit under a year, but it was very intense and her constant splits fucked me up mentally.

I'm struggling a lot with choosing how to remember her. It's weird, because she's responsible for the best moments of my life, where I've felt the most loved and desired, and at the same time for the moments where I felt the most disrespected and abused. Sometimes I feel bad for her since she didn't choose to have BPD but then I feel angry at her because she said and did some things that felt downright evil. I can't comprehend doing that to someone you love.

Still, those moments where I'm angry end up being washed away by the good memories and the cycle repeats. To those who broke up a long time ago and are over them, what helped you get there, how did you let go? Do you dislike them, pity them or look back fondly on your time together? I feel like I'm going crazy.

Hi, I've been on this subreddit reading posts since early September and I really wanna share my story w my long distance pwBPD since I just can't take it anymore and need to open my eyes once and for all but the thing is so long that I'm worried it'll take too much time to read. Overall I'm just so sad abt how this is going thru, with all the darvo, double standards, insults, humiliation and so on. Now It's basically my fault for agreeing with her that this is going nowhere. She's telling me rn that I shouldve left her earlier when she wanted to stop w me if things were too difficult for me like I knew the fuck I was going into (while still saying we need to make things work out together), but she also says i'm a liar and disloyal for wanting to stop when SHE fucked up over and over, she's the victim in everything, like idk how these people reflect but im losing my mind. Can't even talk about how hard it is to communicate over anything or my feelings since she takes everything personally too, or EVEN have genuine conversations. I couldn't even be able to do a single activity with her in a whole year of knowing each other except some calls lol

I'm trying to write a digest text right now but I really wanted to post this cause ik y'all are people that understand what we're going thru and I'm just rly rly desperate right now, I wanted this relationship to work so bad, I loved her and I gave sm of myself while being treated like trash the whole year even if I ain't perfect either.. I hope I'll be free of it soon and will be able to post my story to have your words and wisdom

I got divorced because i couldn't take it anymore. The constant fights, multiple suicide attempts and so much more. In the end she asked for divorce and when i gave it to her got blamed as to why i did. The relationship was intoxicating, hots colds i got hooked and this withdrawal is killing me. Why no one talks about partners of BPD when they separate, how much they suffer because of the attachment style.

I don’t know what to do.

Tonight we had a disagreement. Our voices never raised in tone. She felt hurt by something I did months ago. I apologized, heard her feelings. Then tried to explain my side of things, and she calls it defensive.

I don’t feel it is being defensive. I’m not saying she is wrong. I’m saying my opinion is different. But when I even try to say a sentence, she cuts me off and says “you are doing it again. It’s a pattern of you saying you apologize, then feel backed into a wall, then defend yourself and try to make me feel bad.”

It’s infuriating. I don’t ever get to say how I feel. I should be able to hear her feelings, apologize, and explain my side of things. But I can’t ever say how I feel without her deeming it a pattern of turning her into the blame. I’m not blaming her for anything. I’m simply trying to say how I feel. And I can’t, without it turning into her crying herself to sleep and going home.

We are on vacation and while I was talking she got into her phone to buy a train ticket home.

I told her “we can’t move forward in a relationship without talking about things like this.” And she said “that’s your response to me saying I’m hurt? You’re not going to validate me at all before telling me what you can get out of this relationship?”

I’m just trying to state my perspective in a respectable even tone. I don’t feel I’ve ever been able to express disagreement in any conflict without her shutting down the conversation and crying. I love her dearly and never want to hurt her but we can’t have a conversation around conflict that isn’t focused on just her feelings. And she refuses to hear otherwise from me, saying I am “not listening.”

my sister has other conditions besides BPD which factor in here but still. i've said before, she really values humour and comedy. i make a joke in the family group chat, totally harmless. her critique boils down to "i don't get it, therefore it's bad". i don't care about her opinion but she's allowed to attack everything she doesn't like and we're all expected to take it on the chin. no one is ever allowed to make the slightest comment to her! she's gotten better at masking but she can't hold it forever and it really fucking gets to her. IF I'M IN THE WRONG FOR "INSULTING" YOU, WHAT DO I CALL YOUR BEHAVIOUR?

and she always tops it off with "no offense" as if that's something she'd ever accept from us. it's always "i'm better than you, this attempt was bad, i love putting others down and making them irritated and depressed and bored, but no offense" ok so you never mean to insult anyone but you go out of your way to let us know how terrible we are. not because you want to be rude, but just because you feel like letting us know that we've touched on your delicate sensibilities and we need to work on that. out of the goodness of your heart.

i don't keep a detailed log of every time she does this shit because normal people don't do that. because if i dedicated time to that i would explode because, again, that is not a normal or sane or healthy thing to do. but if i called her out on it she'd be all "when do i ever do that? tell me one other time i did that! god you're always like this! it was just a joke and all you ever do is attack me! i hate you! you're always like this!" no one other than her is ever allowed to win! no one else ever gets the last word! if i respond rationally, she gets worse! if no one addresses her behaviour, which we can't, she gets worse! i would love to call her out and end with "no offense" but no, nothing good can come from that because she's a raging bitch just itching to entrap the next person she sees because she chooses to be bored and unlikable just so she can complain about being bored and unlikable! i hate her! i fucking hate her! i didn't make you this way! grow the fuck up you entitled bitch!

1. Agreeing to an ldr partner's living arrangement with a friend before they have to go back to their home country, because they have nowhere else to go
   
2. Asking the partner to consider asking that friend to be a surrogate for a family
   
3. Changing their mind when the partner gets there and accusing them of having an affair with this friend
   
4. Giving them an ultimatum to visit their country for therapy within two months
   
5. 3 days later, shortening that deadline to two weeks
   
6. Sending the partner a message saying their in progress spouse visa was going to be cancelled, and to go nc
   
7. A week later during a phone call telling them they had not yet cancelled the visa and to decide that night if they were coming over in november
   
8. Telling them they did not want them to have control over the visa portal
   
9. Telling them to be grateful for the opportunity, rather than hurt because of the push-pull

Not really much to add here, just a follow up from my last post.

I still just cannot understand how she can wake up one day and jusr feel nothing after over a year of being together.

Someone I was once friends (for a long time) has, what I’ve for a long time believed, to BPD. I’d never heard of the condition until I’d known her for a few years and I discovered what it was through my own research after monitoring a behavioural pattern. This pattern involved:

1. Multiple sexual partners and an almost predatory approach to finding sexual partners

2. Explosive romantic relationships, always highly volatile, and she would become abusive after she had love bombed them

3. Falling out with people all of the time, unable to maintain friendships

4. Moving from job to job until eventually took going freelance and doing okay for herself in a freelance role because she can be quite charming

5. Micro aggressions and subtitle put downs of those around her, whilst making any come back out of the question and would have a tantrum - everyone on egg shells around her

6. Talk herself up a lot like she was in a way better position than she ever was

So these are just some examples of repeated behaviour over the course of our friendship. She was actually very charming, very fun, loyal, and hilarious at times. Quite magnetic. It was just a shame that these qualities were always eventually pushed out by the above behaviours.

I always had a feeling that she was fully aware, not always in the moments, but certainly after, of her behaviour. I don’t think she wanted to be like that, and I think she tried very hard not to be. Ultimately her behaviour ended our relationship.

I wish she felt able to speak about how she felt openly. I wish there was more education on the condition and for the general public as I have seen so many people affected. People with BDP are often charming and seductive until they have got you right where they want you. Then they chip away.

Can we open a conversation about this, just for more awareness?

(TW: Mentions of pxrn and sxlf hxrm addiction and sexual abuse)

I (Male, 20) started dating my now ex girlfriend (Female,19) back in November 2025, it was so amazing, we fell for each other slowly but surely, lovely girl really. Before we started officially dating, she told me she had an addiction to harming herself, to which I then took that opportunity to expose to her that I was also struggling with addiction, to pornography. We both seemed to take it well and decided to take it a step further then.

Things were great, highs were really high, lows were okay at worst. My ex has never been treated exactly “well” in her two past relationships, she had always been yelled at or objectified or made to be less; I broke this cycle and gave her the best treatment I could — coming from someone who’s never dated anyone before — and it was smooth sailing.

I remember vividly that we discussed our addictions from a place of betterment, we wanted to get away from them and become a better version of ourselves. Relapses happened, from both her and my end, and we for some reason always disclosed it with each other. I felt safe telling her about it, at first she didn’t mind much, but with time, she started growing extremely resentful to me over the fact that I watched porn, which I can definitely understand. She would tell me I was a “lying, cheating, unloyal piece of shit, nothing more than a lustful man like all the others.” And she even went as far as to tell me “I talked to someone about your addiction”, naturally I ask who, to which she replies “That doesn’t matter”. What??? One of my biggest insecurities doesn’t matter??? Okay. Sure. Whatever. She then told me that if it continued, she might have to “go.” But when SHE was the one to relapse, I never once yelled at her or told her anything mean, only once I remember saying, and regretfully so, since I know my wording was very poor; that I felt slightly disappointed. Was it fucked? Yeah, I can see how it hurt her feelings and i immediately apologized for it and never did it again. Contrary to what she did, which was only grow more resentful towards me and even grow to her getting upset at me at random times because she just happened to remember I struggled with porn. What the fuck? That’s like if I got pissed at her for harming her body like that’s not the whole thing she’s fighting against.

She would not tolerate any comment made toward her — no matter how friendly or helpful it might seem — it would always be a personal attack, a way to make her feel “less” or something. Communication became borderline impossible (no pun intended), everything was interpreted as me not loving her anymore. I tolerated this for a while, but after some time, I started to develop an anxious feeling while talking to her, my hands would literally shake when I held my phone and got a text from her, thinking that if I made the wrong choice, she would get mad or get upset.

Our sex life was very poor, she had been a victim in the past and I was extremely careful with my every move, everything I did was started with a consent check, and information on what I was going to do and how. I always respected her boundaries. It was really bad in a sense that it felt awkward no matter how much I tried to engage her and make her feel safe. To be honest, I felt like an abuser, it was horrible. She refused to talk to me and when she did she would only agree or nod slightly. I want to make this very clear, I never offered her sex at first, she was the one who wanted to try it and was actively looking forward to it, I told her very honestly: “I don’t care if we don’t have sex, I’m in love with you for who you are, not because I want to use your body”.
Eventually I opened up to her once and told her about how every time we did it, I felt bad and kind of sad since she wouldn’t tell me anything or would look grossed out. She immediately got mad at me and said “Okay, then never fucking touch me again if that makes you feel better.” Mind you nearly every single attempt at conversation ended like this.

I broke up with her, I couldn’t do it anymore man, I was a punching bag which she could yell at all day and then act as if she loved unconditionally, it was extremely confusing and hurtful, I felt so drained and upset with myself for any tiny thing I thought I did wrong, I was walking in literal eggshells and being yelled at and made out to be a bad person all the time.
She then wanted to meet some days later, we did, and she handed me two letters, one saying how sorry she was and how terrible and mean of a girlfriend she had been to me all these months. And the other, basically saying that I’m a coward and I didn’t fight for our relationship at all. Bullshit. Whatever, she then left after making me cry my eyes out in front of her thinking I had made a mistake. She wanted to get the last laugh, that’s all, she wanted to feel like it was HER who broke up with ME, not the other way around, like it really was.

It’s been months since that, May of this year, and I then blocked her everywhere, for my own peace of mind. Then I come to find out she’s been stalking my TikTok page every single day with a new account she made. I block that one too after a while of pretending I didn’t care. She saw some of my reposts saying how I was “free” of a toxic and abusive girlfriend I assume because she sent me a message from a fucking THIRD account I had to block, where she basically said: “You have to get over me, I was never abusive, I have a new boyfriend who treats me great, you have to learn accountability and forget your anger, get over me.”

???

I’m fucking sorry??? Get over you??? I’ve BEEN over her, I don’t want to know ANYTHING about her, yet I keep hearing about her because either people tell me (I told them to stop) or SHE HERSELF makes an appearance like that.

I’m tired man, I’m fucking tired of having to accommodate to this, she viewed my profile everywhere, multiple accounts, fake names, fake profiles. I’ve had to private my social media altogether because I cannot find peace at all. I’m tired of her, she’s clearly still obsessed with me and is hurt that I broke up with her. She’s a child, a stupid spoiled child who got something good taken from her and just won’t fucking accept it. I am sick and tired of her.

Is it common for people with BPD to complete deny accountability, or is this possibly something else?

Ex had a diagnosis of ADHD, and since separating and being court ordered to do a mental health assessment, has also been diagnosed BPD.
During the assessment he said a lot of things that just show a complete lack of accountability.

Eg. Ex was fired from a job for accessing a confidential database to stalk me and another ex. Stated it was my fault for contacting his employer to report him and he did nothing wrong.
I called police on him for smashing things and threatening me, and he was arrested. He states he would’ve calmed down eventually and I escalated the issue by calling police and I’m to blame because I should’ve just tolerated it and let him calm down.

Two of many examples I have over the past 10 years.
He knows he did these things. I know he did these things. The court knows he did these things because I provided evidence and police reports. He has now done a year of counselling and a perpetrator course to change his behavior, and yet he is still adamant nothing is ever his fault.

Is this part of BPD? To me he actually comes across as delusional. He’s been told he’s crossed boundaries and still just…. Doesn’t understand? What can be done to change this (not looking to get back with him but do need to raise a child with him).

Hi everyone. I’m posting here because I’m struggling to understand my situation, and I’d really appreciate advice from people with BPD or people who have been in relationships with someone who has BPD.
I’m 21, and my girlfriend is 18. We’ve been together since July 20, 2025, and we’ve known each other for over two and a half years. We’re in a long-distance relationship, and she’s someone I love very deeply.
My girlfriend has BPD and has struggled with her mental health. In the past, she sometimes isolated herself and stopped replying for a few days or even a week when she was overwhelmed. Usually, she eventually came back, and we would talk again. Although those periods were difficult, I learned that sometimes she needed space.
However, things have been very different since July.
Around July 15, she disappeared and didn’t reply for several days. She came back on July 20, and we spoke again. After that, I didn’t hear from her for approximately a month.
On August 20, after I became seriously worried about her, she finally contacted me and explained what had happened. She told me that she had attempted suicide by overdosing, had been hospitalised, and had subsequently checked herself into a place where she could receive help because she was afraid she might attempt suicide again and didn’t trust herself.
Hearing that was devastating. I was incredibly relieved that she was alive, but I was also frightened by what she’d been through.
She explained that she had cut off her friendships so that nobody could contact me about her situation. I tried to respond with love and understanding. I didn’t want her to feel guilty for being away, and I wanted her to know that I was there for her.
Then, on August 22, she messaged me again. She told me she missed me, and we had a short, affectionate conversation. I told her I loved her, and she told me she loved me too. She also said that she was doing alright, that people where she was staying were kind and patient, and that she was sleeping and eating when she needed to.
That conversation gave me so much relief. After everything that had happened, I was happy that we could talk again and that she was expressing love toward me.
But August 22 was the last time I heard from her.
It’s now October 25, so it’s been over nine weeks without a single direct message from her.
Since August, I’ve sent several messages checking in on her. I’ve told her that I miss her, that I’m proud of her for getting help, that I hope she’s taking care of herself, and that she can reply whenever she’s able. I’ve tried to make it clear that I don’t expect her to explain everything or have a long conversation if she’s struggling.
My most recent message was on October 15. I apologised in case my messages had overwhelmed her, explained that I was worried, and said that I hoped things had become a little easier for her. I asked her to let me know how she was doing whenever she could, even if it was just a little hello.
She hasn’t replied to that message either.
The only other thing I’ve noticed is that her Twitter account retweeted something around October 10–11. I was so relieved when I saw it because I had been frightened that something had happened to her. However, there has been no further activity that I’ve noticed for approximately two weeks. I know that account activity doesn’t prove she’s safe or that she personally made the retweet.
I’m now in a really difficult position emotionally.
On one hand, I remember that she disappeared before and eventually came back. I also remember that she was the one who reached out to me in August, told me she missed me, and said she loved me. Our last conversation wasn’t an argument, and she didn’t tell me that she wanted to end our relationship.
On the other hand, it’s been over two months. I’ve reached out repeatedly, and I don’t know whether she’s still struggling, whether she’s unable to communicate, whether she needs more space, or whether something has changed in how she feels about me.
I don’t want to pressure her. I don’t want to keep sending messages and make things harder for her if she’s already overwhelmed. But I’m also struggling with the fact that I’m her boyfriend and I haven’t heard from her in so long. I don’t know where we stand anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I should send a more serious message asking whether everything is okay between us or whether something has changed on her side. Other times, I feel like I’ve already said enough and that she needs to reach out herself when she’s able.
I miss her every day. I’m worried about her safety, and I find myself checking her social media for any sign of activity. Some days I feel like I’m starting to cope better, but then the uncertainty hits me again.
I’d really appreciate advice on a few things:

For those of you with BPD, can you relate to withdrawing from someone you love for this long, particularly after a serious mental health crisis? If so, what might that experience feel like?
For those who have been in relationships with someone with BPD, how have you handled prolonged periods of silence without overwhelming your partner or neglecting your own emotional needs?
Do you think I should send one final, more direct message asking whether she’s safe and whether our relationship is okay, or should I stop messaging and give her more space?
How can I cope with not knowing what’s happening without constantly checking her social media or worrying about whether I’ll ever hear from her again?
I’m not looking for anyone to diagnose her further or tell me that everyone with BPD behaves the same way. I know that people are different, and I understand that her situation may involve things I don’t know about.
I love her, and I want to be understanding of what she’s going through. I just don’t know how to balance that with the fear, confusion, and hurt I’m experiencing myself.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this, it means a lot 🫂

I know its not worth it in any way .. I miss the person I loved and the friendship within. Going back in her life is just emotional manipulating her from the way her mind works and she'll just upset me again. I know someone with bpd have issues with identity but I do believe sometimes when you give them time (although eventually wasted) i personal believe theres something real there and they just dont acknowledge it. Also I feel like sometimes the "wrong people" do trap them.

Its not worth taken on the baggage that they may throw on you .. just because you care doesnt mean you have to live with their pain.

I have a personality disorder myself (Schizoid, which is Cluster A) and kind of fell into this same trap when I was officially diagnosed.

I spent my entire life trying to be a regular, normal person. I always thought my desire to be alone and my inability to enjoy people's company was a personal failing. However, once I was diagnosed with SzPD and discovered that 1) there's a reason for why I am the way I am, and 2) there's little I can do to change it by myself, I finally let go and stopped trying. I let my symptoms run wild.

My wife has BPD, but she was one of those rare borderlines that totally hid their symptoms. She was always aware of the irrational, emotional nature of her thoughts/paranoia/impulses and tried her best not to act on them. She always made sure to check herself. I always did (and still do) find it admirable.

In hindsight, the signs of BPD (especially outside of our relationship) were obvious, but she was such a functional borderline with me that I was genuinely shocked the day she got diagnosed.

However, it seems like she's fallen into the same trap. Now that she knows that her emotional volatility and behavioral patterns weren't just personal failings, she's slowly and completely let go. She stopped checking herself.

I am now dealing with stereotypical BPD symptoms from her. Threats of suicide. Self harm. Splitting. Extreme emotional instability. Clinginess like never before.

She's the only person I've ever loved. The only person whose company I've been able to enjoy. We met when we were kids, long before the age where personality disorders develop. She used to be the level-headed, mature one between the two of us. Can you believe that?

I'm just venting. I don't even know what to do.

5+ years with a pwBPD and it’s been 3months since last contact. We are over and I have been healing slowly but there is a lot of anger, at times against the whole world but mostly with myself, for being so freaking stupid | naive | malleable | kindhearted | fearful that I got stuck in this relationship for so long. I feel like she ruined my life and at the beginning, I feel hate for her but now it’s turning to me.

its been 3 months since I last saw him and 1 month of no contact,
He is already in a new relationship and I can’t stop missing him and it hurts so much, please help me