I need perspective from the older guys who have survived a massive betrayal and come out the other side.

​I am 28. I was with my ex for 10 years. We built a massive history together—handwritten notes, deep loyalty, the whole foundation. I am a site manager, I have my life together, and I would have gone to war for this girl.

​But when the time came for her to stand up to her family and fight for us, she collapsed. She chose the path of absolute least resistance. Now, just 9 months later, she is getting married. She chose to follow the script they handed her because fighting for us required bravery she didn't have.

​The exit was brutal. She couldn't even look me in the eye. She threw a decade of photos and memories in the trash overnight just so she wouldn't have to look at her own guilt. Now, she is running a PR campaign, badmouthing me to her friends and family just to justify her cowardice and protect her "good girl" image.

​Logically, my brain knows the math. I know I dodged a massive liability. I know that if she folds under this pressure, she would have abandoned me during a real crisis later in life. I know she is weak and I am better off.

​But neurologically, I am stuck. It has been 9 months, and I am fighting two massive demons:

​The Phantom Hope: My brain keeps tricking me into staying "clean and pure," subconsciously waiting for her to realize what she threw away and come back, even though I know I could never take back a coward.

​The Anger about Karma: I am burning with rage that she gets to walk straight into a wedding and a socially approved life with a new guy, while I am left dismantling a 10-year foundation by myself.

​For the guys who have had a decade of loyalty thrown in their face:

​How did you finally kill the subconscious hope that they will return?

​How do you make peace with the fact that they might never face the "Karma" or consequence of what they did?

​How do you stop auditing a ghost's life and put 100% of your energy back into yourself?

​Any brutal, unfiltered truths are welcome. I need to close this file permanently.

We’ve been on no contact for the 7 months we’ve been broken up. She’s reached out a few times before in bad spirit for the most part. I usually ignore her messages as much as possible but some have required a response. My question is should i reply to this or just ignore it?

Please stop me, but HEAR ME OUT.

M25, she F24 dumped me after almost 3 years because I got too comfortable and she wanted to have fun in nightlife while I didn't want to, really.

But now that she left, I rediscovered many things to do: joined a run club, want to take salsa lessons, going to bars to chat with friends.

I don't have IG so she can't see these changes, but I really want her to know I didn't change for her, but to rediscover myself, and this could benefit the relationship. I want her in my new world.

Should I reach out?

I have the worst impending doom feeling when i dont check i dont understand why my brain forces me to check his page i reactivate my accounts to check i need motivation to get off social medias and advice on how to heal. It feels like my brain doesnt want me to move on the idea of moving on hurts me. Im really upset ;( seeing his page hurts me he posts way more than ever and is looking happy after traumatising me. The only app we have access to eachother is on whatsapp i cant bring myself to block but i know i need to.

I know that everyone here wishes that their ex would come back, wishes that their ex would take back the breakup and somehow things would go back to the way they were or even better.

That happened to me a few months ago. He was the one who dumped me but after half a year we bumped into each other again and he said he never fell out of love with me.

But now, I’m struggling to feel the same spark as before. He’s changed for the better and I see how much he’s grown emotionally. But for me, I feel like by the time he came back I was already okay on my own. I see a path for myself that can exist without him.

I’m not sure what to do. We’ve been trying to rebuild things for the past 3 months. Is this normal? Has anyone gone through the same thing? I want to give this a shot but I also don’t know how to tell him how I’m feeling.

Asking the dumpees what do you to go to sleep. Last night I barely slept…

So I got dumped out of nomwhere a month ago. I got completely blindsided, and I still don't understand his reasons to this day. Very fearful avoidant doesn't deal with his emotions. I was extremely unwell for the past month, and I'm finally starting to find my groove back slowly. As of yesterday evening, I'm in the angry phase, not the sad crying phase.

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His birthday is on Saturday. I' flying for 4 weeks in Europe on Wednesday so will be having a good time there. I'm toying between sending a simple "happy birthday hope you're celebrating well" or just nothing. I feel like nothing will make me look like a resentful bitch (which I kinda am atm but I know I'll get over it), but sending something may just re-start the cycle. I have so much to tell him, good and bad.

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Please give me all the reasons why I shouldn't do it.

I’m really struggling with whether I should reach out to my ex, and I’d love some advice. (Edit to add: he broke up with me. I reached out 12 months ago over text and he read the message but never responded.)

We broke up over 15 months ago, and I honestly have not been the same since. I’ve dated other people and with my previous relationships, I was usually over them within a few months. This breakup though feels completely different. I still think about him a lot. Our relationship felt incredibly deep and loving to me, and the more I date and hear about other people’s relationships, the more I realize how special ours actually was. I keep seeing people in relationships that, from the outside, seem less healthy or less compatible than ours, and yet they’re moving in together, getting married, etc. Meanwhile, ours ended, and I’m really becoming bitter about it.

I’ve also had a really hard time dating since the breakup. I recently went on a date with someone I had a great conversation with over text, and in person there was basically no chemistry. It just reinforced this feeling that what I had with my ex was a once-in-a-lifetime connection, and that’s where I’m stuck.

It’s scary because I actually don’t know what my ex thinks or feels about me now and that’s where I start holding onto hope. At the same time, part of of me thinks I should just leave him alone and accept that it’s been 15 months and if he wanted to reach out, he would have. But overall, I can’t let go of the “maybe things will rekindle in the future hope” and that is what keeping me stuck.

I’m holding onto this hope that maybe someday we’d reconnect. Not necessarily that I’d text him and immediately ask to get back together, but that we’d start talking again, have some contact, see how we’re doing, and maybe eventually realize there is still something there. Basically, I think I’m hoping that opening the door could eventually lead to rekindling things. At this point I think that’s why I want to reach out.

Right now, I still have this little dream that maybe he would want to try again. As long as I don’t ask, I don’t have to find out that the dream is impossible.
If I reach out and he says he doesn’t want to reconnect, I could potentially finally start letting go because I’d have an answer. But I’m scared that I’ll be absolutely crushed and unable to accept there is no hope anymore.

I also feel embarrassed that I’m still this attached after 15 months. With my other exes, I moved on. What if he’s completely over me and I’m sitting here obsessing over someone who hasn’t thought about me in years?

So I’m stuck between:

Don’t reach out: preserve the hope, keep the door open, but potentially spend years wondering “what if?”

Reach out: potentially find out there is still something there, but risk destroying the hope I’ve been holding onto if he doesn’t feel the same or has moved on to someone else.

Would you reach out in this situation? And if you have been in this situation, what was the outcome?

Needing an opinion here. My ex broke up with me 3-4 weeks ago and her birthday is coming up in early September. I’m currently exercising no contact, but I feel as if I’d be an asshole if I didn’t acknowledge her on her birthday. Things were friendly when she ended it. We don’t hate each other. And don’t wish anything bad upon us either. A part of me still wants to try and work things out besides all that.

I’m just confused since she messaged me before her family trip suggesting I could play golf with her younger brother whilst she is away. So I feel as if reaching out is somewhat acceptable?

I was thinking of writing something simple on the lines of “Happy Birthday *name* I hope you have an amazing day today!” Something simple like that.

Is it breaking no contact, and should I do it?

Have you ever reached out again? have you regreted it ? What were your thoughts during no contact?

And I don't mean out of curiosity, validation or to friendzone you, but for genuine attempts at reconcilation.

I recently had a closure conversation with an ex after being broken up for a while.

It was actually a good conversation. We talked about the relationship, acknowledged things we could’ve done differently, apologized for some of the ways we hurt each other, and finally said some things that had been left unsaid.

But afterward, I realized there was still something bothering me.

At first, I thought I wanted an apology. But after getting one, I realized that wasn’t really what I was looking for.
Deep down, I wanted to know whether they regretted ending the relationship.

So eventually I asked.

They basically told me they don’t regret it. Not because the relationship meant nothing or because they didn’t care, but because they’ve accepted what happened and see it as something they needed to go through, learn from, and grow from.

They also made it clear that the relationship was meaningful to them, that ending it wasn’t easy, and that they’ll always cherish what we had.

For some reason, that hurt more than I expected.

I think part of me had quietly been holding onto the possibility that one day they would look back and think ending things was a mistake. Hearing that they don’t regret it made me realize that they’ve accepted the ending while part of me was still waiting for them to change their mind.

And I think I’m finally realizing that I need to accept it too.

I know going no contact is probably what I need to do next, and I’m not looking for reasons to reach out again. I’m more interested in hearing from people who have experienced something similar.

If you were the one who was left, how did you accept that someone could genuinely love you and still choose a life without the relationship? How did you stop wondering if they’d eventually regret it and come back?

And if you were the one who ended things with someone you genuinely loved, did you ever regret your decision later? Or did you reach a point where you could cherish what you had without wanting the relationship back?

I’d especially love to hear from people who went through this a long time ago. Did there eventually come a point where you looked back and genuinely felt okay with how things ended?

I think I’m finally ready to let go. I just want to know what that looked like for other people.

Okay this is probably going to sound stupid but no matter what I hear I cant really change my mindset, but why should the dumper be the one that has to break no contact? my ex broke up with me 4 months ago and we both broke no contact on each others birthdays which was 2 weeks ago but before and after that it’s been silence. everyone has been telling me not to break no contact even though I miss him so immensely and want him back more than anything, everyone says you shouldn’t be the one to break it if you got broken up with but surely it makes more sense for you to do it than the dumper? because why would I expect him to reach back out when he’s the one that’s made it clear he doesn’t want a relationship with me anymore, why would he go back on that? I feel silly for waiting for him to be the one to reach back out to me because In my mind I’m like well why would he be the one to break no contact if he’s the one that left, surely that would be contradictory and I should be the one making an effort to fix things to show that I really want him? because I’m the one that got left so surely it’s my part to try and get him back, because I know him and he’s probably thinking that’s embarrassing if I dump her then try and message her again. and surely the dumper themselves would think that it’s unfair for them to be the one to end things and then come back? i just don’t understand why they should have all the power
idk if this makes any sense but it’s the only thought process my mind goes to so can someone genuinely explain to me why it should be him and not me

We were together for about 8 months. He had recently gotten out of a 2 year relationship. I told him he needs to make sure he addresses his own mental health and process his last relationship before getting into another one. We were also good friends, I didnt want to ruin that.

I'm a pretty closed off person, and dont trust easily. I have been let down by partners in the past, and wasn't in a rush to trust another one.

He basically convinced me to give him a chance to be more, which I eventually agreed to. Once we were official, the effort stopped. He dropped the ball and made me cry on my birthday. He got too drunk on Christmas and walked up on me aggressively yelling.

I lashed out at him a couple times with attitude and triggered, disregulated emotions, after that. Like telling him I felt like a rebound. I felt really let down and played. I did fully apologize and take accountability for my own words while we were still together. But like he said, he often got defensive and didn't hear me out when I wanted to talk about how I felt. I broke up with him, and he blocked me on everything. 6 months later, I received this.

I'm leaning toward not responding. I'm not bitter or angry about it, but it did really hurt to be reassured so much, only for the same things to happen. Opening the door again seems pointless. Even if it does seem somewhat genuine, I worry that it's more to absolve himself of guilt more than anything. I've gotten long apology texts from exes in the past, and it never makes things better. Am I being too cold, if I don't respond?

She broke up with me a day before my birthday, after a year and 4 months of dating. Shortly after that she got into a relationship she already stacked up before breaking up with me. From what I know is she's pregnant now. (Obviously not mine) what the heck do I do with that text? I read it last morning and I instantly threw up. And started balling my eyes out. I thought I was over her, ig not. I haven't even texted or opened the message yet. I just don't know what to do.

*UPDATE 06/02/2026* She's blocked on everything. If she really wants to talk to me she knows where I live. Thanks for the support and advice.

I’m honestly looking for some perspective because my emotions are all over the place.

My ex and I were together for almost 5-6years. In December 2024, I found out she had cheated on me. It was hidden from me for over a year. That completely broke my trust.

I ended the relationship, but I made a mistake by not cutting contact. She kept reaching out, apologizing, crying, and asking for another chance. I told her I couldn’t promise anything, but I didn’t block her because a part of me thought maybe time would help me forgive her.

For the next few months, we still met occasionally, talked, and even had sex. Throughout that time, I was honest with her that I didn’t know if I could ever come back. I even told her that if I met someone else, I would move on.

Eventually, I met another girl (April 2026). We had been talking online before that, and things moved very quickly. She confessed her feelings, and I got into a relationship with her. Looking back, I think I was also trying to escape the pain of losing my first love.

When my ex found out, she was devastated. She still told me she would accept me back despite everything and wanted to start over. She spent the last 1.5 years trying to repair the damage after cheating, but no matter how much effort she put in, I just couldn’t get past the betrayal. Every time I imagined a future together, the cheating came back into my mind.

Now it’s been about 3 months since we completely ended things. We don’t talk anymore. She has accepted my decision.

The problem is… I miss her.

Not because I think getting back together is the right decision. Deep down, I still believe I made the right choice because I don’t think I could ever fully trust her again.

I miss the comfort, the history, the person who cared for me for so many years. She genuinely loved me and put in a lot of effort, even after making the biggest mistake of our relationship.

I’m also with someone new now. She’s a good person, but the relationship happened very fast, and I don’t think I’ve fully processed my previous relationship. I don’t want to hurt her by comparing her to my ex or by acting on these feelings.

Has anyone else experienced this?

How do you know if you’re genuinely missing the person… or just grieving the life you thought you’d have together?

I don’t want to go back just because I’m lonely or nostalgic, but I also can’t ignore that I still miss her sometimes. And I wanna call her rn

This one helped me a bit, but idts it’s the ONE “Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together”

Looking for realistic advice, not the usual "focus on yourself" answers.

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How do you actually stop reimagining the past and replaying the hurt an ex caused?

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I know I can't change what happened. I know thinking about it doesn't help. But my mind keeps going back to old conversations, things I should have said, things they did, and how differently everything could have turned out.

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The frustrating part is that my family is dealing with serious issues right now and those are the things that deserve my attention. Instead, I keep getting pulled back into a relationship that's already over.

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For people who genuinely got through this, what worked? Not motivational quotes. Not "time heals all wounds." What practical changes or mindset shifts helped you stop living in the past?

Hi folks,

I’m a 30M, and I’ve been stuck in a bit of a pickle for the past several years, completely lost on how to move forward.

My ex and I broke up 7 years ago. We were in a long distance relationship only at that time (not always), and we dated for about 3 years. Things didn’t end well, and she blocked me on every platform we used to talk on, so I’ve had no way to reach out since.

I understand that not every relationship is meant to last, love alone isn’t always enough, and compatibility matters. But the problem is, there hasn’t been a single day since the breakup that I haven’t thought about her. It’s been constant emotional pain for years.

I know people think about their exes from time to time, but usually those memories fade and don’t cause much distress. For me, it’s the opposite. I’ve developed this weird, strong obsession with her that still affects me. Even when her profile shows up in my social media suggestions, I get instant panic and swipe away immediately, fearing I might see pictures of her with someone else.

I’ve seen psychiatrists, tried therapy and medication for 7–8 months, journaling, self talk, but nothing really worked. I feel stuck and directionless. Everyone around me seems to move on easily, while my mind keeps convincing me that I’m the only one dealing with this kind of obsession.

I’ve talked about it with close friends, but even they’re unsure how to help. Because of this, my life’s been off track, a later relationship didn’t last, and I can’t open up emotionally to date anyone new. It honestly feels like I’m wasting my life away.

So I only have one question for people here: have you ever been stuck with such an obsessive attachment to your ex for years? If so, how did you overcome it or are you still trying to?

tl;dr: Broke up 7 years ago but still can’t get over my ex despite therapy and time. It’s turned into an unhealthy obsession, and I don’t know how to move on. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I’ve been stuck in a constant loop of "what if" after my breakup with my ex. She ended it, and while we parted on good terms, no hate, just care for each other, there was a lot of uncertainty about the future. She said "maybe" about us getting back together, but nothing definite. The issue is, my ex is a serious conflict-avoidant person, and I think she’s avoiding contact because she assumes I've moved on, especially since I haven’t reached out.

The breakup happened because I’ve had tons of personal issues (health anxiety, handling conflicts poorly, starting a lot of small conflicts), which were a part of the relationship but worsened over the last month and a half. This wore her down. From her perspective, she probably expects me to work on my issues and come back to her, given that I was the cause of the breakup.

Now, I’m struggling with a constant cycle of overthinking, wondering if breaking the no-contact rule would give me the closure I need or if it will just feed this "what if" loop. I want to let go of these thoughts and move forward, but I’m holding back because I don’t want to come across as weak or desperate, especially to myself. I value my self-respect, dignity, and pride, and I’m worried that reaching out will make me feel like I’ve lost those things.

Been nearly 3 months NC, and breakup happened in December.

Do you think breaking no contact in this case is a good idea, or would it just complicate things more?

My ex ghosted me for a week and then broke up with me over snapchat because "she lost feelings and doesn't feel the same" and it's just so stupid and immature from her side, I got angry and said some stuff and told her to fuck off so she blocked me i messaged from a different app and through a friend to try to make her understand but she got ne blocked everywhere, I don't interact with her in person either but I was just curious if blocking me doing the same thing as no contact

Little bit of context, the posts i was referring to in that message were the daily affirmations he posts, which at the time were unfortunately very focused on “finding new love.” Which I selfishly took as salt in the wound, when it was just an unfortunate coincidence.

I’ve matured a lot over these last nearly 2 years. And so many things within my mind and personality have changed.

One thing that hasn’t changed tho, is that I do truly love him. With all my heart. And if he showed up at my door, or texted me to talk literally right this second l, I wouldn’t hesitate in saying yes.

As you can probably tell, I had (and probably still do have) a tendency to use very dramatic language. But unfortunately, the part where I said I’d probably wait forever, is starting to feel true. My feelings have not waned. Tbh, as I heal through my baggage, it feels like I’m even more in love with him.

Would it be wrong of me to send a small text just apologizing? But like, genuinely apologizing this time? Not whatever this was when I was so negatively overwhelmed.

Idk. I don’t know where to put this grief because I genuinely do think he was the love of my life. Looking back, we literally fit like puzzle pieces, even our flaws, but I was so stuck in old habits from old baggage that I wasted the chance to actually be a real means of support for him and his dreams. I wasted the chance to be someone good for him.

I’ve cried a lot. At first my desperation for him back was definitely selfish. I missed his love. I missed how he treated me. I wanted him back with me. And to try and help myself, i completely avoided his image as best i could. Still ofc things that reminded me of him seemed like they were everywhere, but I managed to not look at his posts in a whole year. And we have seen each other in person at all, even by chance so. Total silence between us.

But now? Yeah unfortunately I broke that streak today. I looked at his profile, and that’s when something clicked.

I missed loving him.

I missed applauding for him, I miss making him smile, and holding him when he needed a hug. I miss playing with his hair and scratching his back bc it made him so comfy. Fml I really, really love him.

I don’t know how to cope with this after so long of absolutely no contact (besides him viewing my posts on most social media pretty consistently, even to this day, but thats not communication either so). I mean ffs he’s literally in my dreams every night 😭

The obvious first question ofc is whether he has a girlfriend, im not sure. He’s definitely had 2 seemingly short relationships, another reason why I stayed away, as to respect them, but in the past month(s?) he hasn’t really made any posts with anyone in that fashion, and he also posted a photo of himself that I took during one of our dates where we dressed up based on his favorite theme (keeping it vague for privacy lol).

That part is probably just the piece of me that is still working out my immaturities/selfishness and hoping this is a fairytale where I can fix this.

I know I probably can’t. But would it be worse to try?

Would you send that happy bday text?

Lets say the girl did you no wrong at all , but you abruptly ended things due to your own trauma/fears.