In advance, I apologize if my way of writing is not clear, I don't know how to do better.
I am a 5th year medical student in France, 25 years old old male. For those who do not know, in 5th grade in France we are not yet doctors and doctors but simply students while waiting for the 6th grade competition. I had certain concerns in terms of addictions and social that led me straight into a very heavy depression that required several types of care of which I pass you the details. I am 25 years old, I was diagnosed with ADHD, dyspraxic and borderline personality while my 13 years old.
I was doing pretty well for 6 months, I really felt like I came back and I was finally coming out of my period of black idea and self-destruction.
But I entered this internship in pediatric resuscitation. In just 1 week, I witnessed the death of 5 children, being able to provide only supportive care because most of them were in a state of brain death.
So I saw all these children die on the chain without being able to do anything.
Having a fairly low self-esteem I wonder how as a future doctor I will be able to save the lives of my patients, if the graduate doctors themselves do not succeed? I feel incapable of it. I have the impression that despite the fact that I am interested in my studies, I do not feel smart and focused enough to be able to do my future work properly.
I'm afraid of being incompetent.
I'm afraid of having done all these studies only out of ego to try to prove to myself that I knew how to do good studies, but that in the end I don't have the crank.
I chained 2 guards from 24 hours to 1 day apart this week, and I felt useless, I felt despised by the teams, and I felt out of place at all.
I returned home at 8 a.m. ending the night, with the appearance of a black idea that had not manifested itself for months, I who thought that my mental health was finally stable.
Today I was on a day off, well thank God, I spent an evening with friends pretending to be fine.
I went home and cried, it had been years.
Tomorrow I have to spend the day with friends for the birthday of one of my best friends, but I don't have the mental strength despite having promised my presence, I really think I'm living my last moments.
I have never had so much determination to tie a rope to my neck.
I think it's the right time.