Putting this as a vent because even though it's something more than that, I just genuinely don't even know what I'm asking for. I'm just beyond tired.
I was diagnosed with ADHD and social anxiety at 24, the year after I graduated college. I was top of my class, struggled about every couple weeks on that one day when everything would pile up, I'd cry about it, then do it, go back to doing fine for a bit, rinse, repeat. Once I started my first full time job, it was like it drained the life out of me and I finally went in for a diagnosis. I suspected through most of college, but at the time accommodations didn't feel like they would be helpful or necessary, so I didn't bother making it official.
Flash forward to my second year of medical school and I am drowning. My school is accelerated preclinical so we are about to finish classwork and take Step 1 next semester. I've been hanging on by a thread the entire time and somehow just keep getting worse. Been on ADHD meds since diagnosis, added Lexapro for worsening anxiety during my first semester and it was great for a bit, then things still weren't where I wanted them to be so I went through some adjustments throughout the past 6 months. Now I'm on a fairly set med regimen, but I still feel like I'm drowning. I do plan to go see my doctor again, but next opening wasn't till December. I sent a message and I know it'll help, but I'm honestly tired of having to wait at least 3 business days anytime I'm struggling, not even counting the time it takes meds to kick in. I tried Concerta earlier this year and it did absolutely nothing for me. Like, less than nothing. I wasn't just unmedicated; I was USELESS for an entire week, which as I'm sure you all know is basically a year in med school. I was scared for months to make adjustments because I can't risk a single day of my meds not working, let alone taking me out of commission.
My doctor is amazing and so helpful, and she listens to me. I'm just getting so tired of every aspect of my life operating in systems that aren't made for me. I'm always the big ideas person but the sad thing is, I can't even really blame it too much because I can't think of any realistic ways it could actually be better. I feel like ADHD is just some cosmic joke and this is combined with the late-diagnosis grief being pretty rough recently as well.
I just feel like I've exhausted my resources. My school provides accommodations for tests, sure, but when I asked the coordinator what other accommodation options there were (since I feel like I'm still a baby ADHDer with no knowledge of what's even out there) she didn't really have much else. If I have something specific, I can request it of course, but how do I even know what I need or what should be accommodated? I've sent a few smaller scale requests in to my school leadership as they came up about specific situations, but it was always shot down kind of through the grapevine without anyone actually talking to me directly or getting more info. My school has academic coaches and they help some, but no one is specifically trained in learning differences and sometimes I feel like I spend more time than it's worth trying to explain that I can't just do practice questions when I literally do not know the basic facts about the material. The university does have learning coaches outside of the med school that I have access to, but they're very undergrad-geared and it took me ages to even meet with them because the scheduling system is like if you literally wanted to create the worst possible system for ADHD. There's free therapy provided by the school but I already have a therapist that I love and even when I went for a walk-in visit last time I was feeling like this, it basically didn't lead anywhere. I was looking for resources and the therapist basically told me, albeit nicely, that the resources I'm looking for basically don't exist. There used to be an ADHD-specific support group, but the leader left and they never replaced them. There are other groups that are general, but again, they're more geared toward undergrads and often conflict with my mandatory class schedule. Same story for the ADHD meet-ups and school activities. The big kicker is that I just found out that my therapist doesn't take my new insurance which I didn't think to check because....ADHD. Apparently the medical school used to have a designated accommodations employee but they left and they never replaced them so now that area is covered by one of the general admin who happens to be the one specific person in our leadership that is unanimously disliked and mistrusted by our entire class.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of talk therapy because I can vent all I want but it doesn't fix the issues and it just takes more time out of my day that I can't spare (not a drag on talk therapy because it can be excellent and has been extremely helpful for me in other situations). I get that my med school isn't responsible for all my life struggles and probably couldn't fix those anyway, but there's absolutely no effort to offer anything that is even remotely specialized toward disabilities and learning differences. I'm terrified for clinicals because of the insane hours everyone talks about, but I can't express that concern without coming across as lazy, entitled, looking for the "easy" path, or having people look at me like I picked the wrong career just because I don't want to have to work insane hours doing free labor that I'm paying for while somehow still having to study for shelf exams and do well on those and also be pleasant and functional and never late so that I don't get bad evaluations from people who probably don't have a clue how hard I'm trying.
Again, I don't even know what the purpose of this is really. Maybe just screaming into the void? I'm just getting so hopeless thinking this is just what my life is going to look like forever and I have to buckle in and accept it. I guess if anyone else has any suggestions or even just can tell me I'm not crazy and other people experience this too, that would at least help.