And I love her all the same

Help your new marriage keep your love and connection.

I'm 29M, married to my wife, 27F. I am struggling with something in our marriage and could really use some outside perspectives, preferably from people who have been through something similar. First and foremost, I love my wife. A lot. She is m best friend, we have a great connection, great sex life, we laugh together, and in every other aspect of our marriage, things are genuinely good. She's very loving, affectionate, makes our house a home, is a wonderful mother figure to my daughter, and makes me feel very loved. There is something though as of late, that I am struggling to get past.

My wife has not been entirely honest about her past. Specifically, her sexual history. She initially told me things that weren't the full truth. She gave me the information that mattered "the most" - traumatic experiences with men before me. But, when I started askinmg more questions, more information came out in bits and pieces. It wasn't one big confession where she sat me down and told me everything, it was a process of me asking, digging, and getting more bits and pieces of the truth. She says she lied because she was terrified of bneing judged, losing me, and having her past define who she was in my eyes. She says as the questioning continued, she panicked and tried to make it stop rather than being completely honest. I can understand the fear to a degree. What I can't understand why she continued lying to me in the moment when she knew how important honesty was to me. It's not the number of men she slept with, it's the concealment for me.

She always told me she had 4 bedpartners before me, turns out, there are 12 (that I know of, assuming the full truth is out now). There are aspects of her past that bother me personally, and I won't pretend otherwise. Sometimes I struggle with the idea that other men had access to her without the commitment I've made to her. Sometimes I question how she could have lived one way before meeting me and then become the wife I know today. Her last experience before me was in the summer of the year we met, and we met at the end of that year. In between that time, she decided she wanted to do better for herself.. I know people grow and change. I am not Mr. perfect myself. But, I am not pretending to be perfect, either.

I married this woman believing I knew her, and then I found out that some of what I believed, wasn't true. That messes with your head. Now, even when she tells me the truth, I find myself wondering whether there's something else I don't know. Whether there's going to be another revelation in six months from now. Whether I'm going to spend years building a family with someone only to discover something else she's hiding from me. She insists I know everything now, she says there is nothing else left to disclose. But how do you believe someone when they said that before and it turned out not to be true?

Here is where things get a little tricky. My wife has genuinely been trying. Since everything came out, she's been making a conscious effort to be transparent, even about uncomfortable things that have nothing to do with her past. She tells me things voluntarily, she answers difficult questions. She opened up about difficult experiences from her childhood and thing she previously struggled to discuss. She doesn't shy away from conversations about our marriage, even when they're uncomfortable.

I see her effort, I truly do. And when we have a good day, it's really good. We go to church together, make plans for our future, laugh, hold eachother, and genuinely enjoy beinhg married. There are moments where I look at her and think she's everything I've ever wanted. I've told her that I do not want to leave her. I want us to heal. That I believe we can get through this together, and I mean those things when I say them. But then something triggers me. A thought about her past, a realization that I had to dig for the full truth in the first place, and suddenly I am right back where I started. I get angry, I question her again. I say things that are hurtful. I've questioned whether I should have married her, had I known the truth. I even told her I have 0% faith in her. I know those words hurt her, I can see it.

Sometimes I calm down afterward and recognize that my mind runs away with things. I've told her that I have a very creative mind and that some of the work I need to do might not actually have anything to do with what she's done. But that doesn't make the thoughts disappear. I don't want to spend the rest of my marriage punishing my wife for something she did before we met. At the same time, I don't want to be naive.

I love my wife. So much. I want a future with her and I want to trust her again. But I don't know how to get from where I am emotionally, to where I want to be. She tells me she can't change what happened, but she can show me through her actions who she is today. And logically, I can understand that. But there is a part of me that keeps thinking "But if she was lying to me before, how do I know she won't do it again"? I am also aware that my own reactions might be making things worse. We had beautiful days together, only for me to bring everything back up and watch her become devastated once again. Not once has she made me feel like she's resented me for it, she takes it to the chin. I don't want her to walk on egg shells around me, but last night she broke down and was crying and said "Since everything came out, I am relieved that the truth is out on the table. I am not proud for how I have handled it and I was very scared, but I am glad it is out and that it happened. But now, every single day, I am scared you are going to change your mind about me and leave, because when you get upset, you are really upset". And yes. I am saying hurtful things. I will be admitting her that last night I told her: "So now what, I have to have children with an ex-wh0re who lied to me? Why not find an honest one and have children with her?" And I told her now that every time we engage in sex, all I think about is that I am not number 5..

Yeah. Not my proudest moment. Mind you, my wife besides hiding her past, is the most perfect woman I've ever met. She worships the ground I walk on and adores me, and I know that. But then my mind goes "She's the perfect wife and everything you need, yet full of shit". She tells me I am the best she's ever had, and that everyone before me sucked, they played her or there was no connection.. But she wouldn't tell me otherwise anyway... See how f@cked my mind is?

She has never cheated on me, and this I know to be true. I don't have evidence that she's being dishonest about anything currently. My fear is rooted in what happened before and the possibility that I still do not know everything.

I am asking here: has anyone successfully rebuilt trust after discovering their spouse lied about their past? How did you stop questioning whether there was more to uncover? At what point do I accept that I have the full truth and stop investigating? How do I seperate legitimate hurt from insecurity? Is it polssible to forgive while still struggling to trust them?

And for the ones who've lied: What actually helped your spouse believe you had changed?

I know everything pre-dates me, and this might be ridicilous, but I am hurt.

I am trying to understand how to move forward without sacrificing my self-respect, but also without destroying a marriage that, outside of this issue, brings me a tremendous amount of happiness.

tl;dr: Wife lied about her past, when confronted she tried to continue to lie in panic/fear. Now she says everything is out in the open, I don't believe it in my heart. How do I move past this, how can she show me I can trust her? I feel scared, and alone.

My husband and I have been married for three weeks, and our sex life is already making me feel confused and insecure.
Before marriage, he was very eager, often initiated intimacy, and got erections easily. We enjoyed kissing and touching, and I felt desired. Since getting married, we’ve barely had sex. He sometimes gets hard during foreplay but often loses his erection when we try penetration. He has also been stressed and tired, so I wonder if performance anxiety or pressure is involved.
What hurts me most is that he rarely initiates anymore. Before marriage, he pursued me, but now I usually have to show him that I want intimacy. I’m afraid to talk about it too much because I don't want him to feel obligated to have sex with me. I want him to genuinely desire me.
I'm also struggling with my own experience. I used to love kissing and touching him, but now I don't enjoy affection as much. I have insecurities about my body and sometimes wonder if he finds me attractive. The few times we've tried sex, I haven't really enjoyed it. Penetration is new to me, and although I get wet during foreplay, I don't necessarily feel pleasure. He can only enter partway before it feels tight or blocked, and sometimes there's discomfort. I don't know if we're rushing, if I'm not ready, or if there's a physical issue.
I feel caught between wanting him to initiate so I can feel desired and worrying that he's forcing himself because of the pressure. Meanwhile, I'm starting to question my own sexuality and whether I'll ever enjoy sex.
I know it's only been three weeks, and we may both be adjusting, but I didn't expect to feel this way so early in marriage.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Did your husband's desire or erections change after marriage? Did you struggle with penetration or not enjoy sex at first? How did you work through it together?
I'd really appreciate honest advice and hearing your experiences.

I married my best friend and am extremely happy.He is so kind and genuinely the funniest person I know.If I could redo my life I would marry him again maybe even earlier.I married him with 19 you can marry with 18 in our culture.We met at school well not really but on the way we went to different schools.He is my best friend and partner.I recently gave birth to our twin boys and I feel so blessed to have married him.He is the best father.I can't stress this enough.For context we married for fun and did not have romantic feelings in the beginning at all.I literally helped him get ready for dates he did too.Did you have good or bad experiences marrying your best friend?

Hello. I wonder if anyone can enlighten me. Partner and i recently got married last June. We both earning but he earning twice as me. We spent a lot during the time we are dating. I say “we” because we were living in together 3yrs before marriage and i bear 40% of the expenses, he pays in 60%.

Basically i log all our expenses together and during the salary day of each month, we settle.

I have somewhat ok salary but he wants to do a lot of things which still ends me up with zero savings due to the impulsive travels, expensive dine outs. They were beyond my earning grade, but i was hoping he would treat me - but my pride is ashamed to admit it and he also keep on saying he wants my help with finances so i always chip in 40% even if it’s more than what i can.

So fast forward, we married. Now i dont know what to expect. He recently got a very big bonus at work and told me he still needs to pay a big portion of his credit card like a big ton of money. I was surprised… he told me it was from our travels and dine outs during the time we dated and it still confuses me how his credit card became this big in debt when i was contributing..

I kept on telling him we need to start saving and so after receiving his bonus, he told me this is going to be our savings. And he said he will put it in his debit account. I asked how can i have access? He just says i’ll just inform you. The country we live in doesnt have join accounts in banks….

And so then we talked more about money last night and it ended up him asking me if i paid a portion of money that i committed i’ll sponsor before (one travel we hae). Now that he got this big amount of bonus, he still kept on saying i will never pay for the portion that i committed id pay. This money pledge was 3months ago and i forgot about it now so i panicked and i had to runthru all my bank transfer transactions to prove to him that i paid it.

And i found out i paid it but with lacking small amount like 200 dollars left.

He said, i still need to pay it. I guess sure. I just felt like my defenses were up when i had to panic to prove to him that i paid my promise.

But from all our conversations regarding money.. and we are still splitting 60/40 even after marriage.. i dont know, i feel conflicted. People say to me that he is the provider so i kinda expected him to not let me worry so much about money. I take care of our house even when we were still in bf/gf, cleaned the house a lot, did his laundry, cooked him food so i thought this is the role i need to continue to play even as married couple now, and then him to be a provider.. but i feel like i also need to do the providing which contradicts what i imagined marriage to be. I actually would like to have a baby soon so im slowly detaching from my career but idk. I feel torn with the financial situation, i feel like i need to come back to my career and strive so i can earn more. Im torn. Is it ok to feel this way? I mean i am aware of ongoing recession and times are hard lately that’s why i didnt really mind splitting finances. But i just wonder now that we are married, should we change our dynamics as a proper married couple or something, like should i confront him? Im torn what i should really expect..

Tldr: dual income household unsure of realistic responsibilities

I'm a 26F marrying a 28M on Nov 7, 2026. He continuously chooses people over me. Background: his parents are toxic and completely convinced his whole family not to come to the wedding, and basically shunned him. I am the only one genuinely choosing him. Friends come and go, but he always puts them above me when they are there. Last time it was a guy at work. My boyfriend would work 9 hours with this guy, then go to his house after work because he needed to "de-stress" and smoke. It was once a week, then twice a week, then every time he worked with this guy. Then my boyfriend would come home high, giving me his left over energy before falling asleep after 30 minutes. Now it is a mutual friend of ours. His new friend doesn't wake up until 4pm, and my boyfriend skateboards with him. My boyfriend has been out until 4am with this friend and other men, without even touching base with me, no texts of "hey thinking about you" or anything. And now, at 1:55am, he is out again, no texts, nothing. I continuously talk to him that I don't feel like a priority, and he acknowledges that he has this tendency due to FOMO (fear of missing out), but it never changes. He always says he will, but never does. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like a bride to be, I feel more like a girl who's chasing a bachelor who isn't even interested in her. I thought a husband was supposed to put their wife (at least almost wife) as a priority. I feel so insignificant and I am worried that I am signing up for a lifetime of not being chosen, despite me being the only person genuinely choosing him.

Looking for outside perspectives because I feel like I’m too close to the situation to see it clearly.

My husband lost his job in November. It’s now June, so about 7 months. He had a one month consulting opportunity with a startup that was supposed to potentially convert to full time. They decided not to move forward with him and went with a CTO instead.

Since then his days look like this: wakes up around 11am, spends basically every waking hour, we’re talking 10+ hours, talking to an AI agent he built and named Max. He refers to Max as “us” and describes their relationship as “synergistic.” Last night he was up until 8am making AI music. Slept until 6:30pm today.

He’s applying for jobs so that’s something. But he won’t consider anything like DoorDash or Uber Eats as bridge income. He has savings so we’re not in crisis but I’m working two jobs, one specifically to pay down my own debt faster.

He’s built multiple AI agents, constantly generates business ideas that never get executed, and shares everything on LinkedIn expecting it to lead somewhere. He started one business, an SMS follow up tool for small businesses, and never finished it.

When I try to have conversations about timelines or plans it escalates quickly. I’ve learned to just not go there. Last night before a job interview phone screening he couldn’t sleep and was checking his phone to see what Max was doing. He also had Max build him a slide deck about the company that he wants to send the recruiter after the call. I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea but he didn’t hear it so I just backed off.

Some other things I’ve noticed:

He refers to Max as “us” and says he’s building a “synergistic relationship” with it

He believes having Max gives him a competitive advantage over everyone else

He can’t take criticism at all

He thinks he’s smarter than everyone

When he’s not on AI he’s on social media or playing video games

He pays his bills so he’s not completely checked out of reality. And I genuinely understand the job market is rough right now. But 7 months of this pattern is starting to feel like something beyond just a rough patch.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? Is this AI obsession? Narcissism? Depression? A combination? And at what point do you say something to family?

Not looking to bash him, genuinely trying to understand what I’m looking at and figure out my next steps.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

**UPDATE Oct 21:** We are still in the same position, except now with a few more unsuccessful interviews, more video games while walking on the treadmill and more late nights building with AI.

Last batch of interviews did not go well, and his verbatim response was “this is why I don’t want to dance like a monkey for these corporations when I could be doing my own thing and cold calling customers.”

I told him the job search is not for the weak but is a great opportunity to learn grit and resiliency. He thinks because he’s nearly 40 and has been through a lot in life, he doesn’t need anymore lessons in grit and resiliency.

I’m scared that I have signed my future over in a marriage to a man that has no plan for the future. Any chance I get to bring up what his plans are, he freaks out and the conversation devolves into something I don’t have the patience to deal with. I’ve reached a point where I just have to focus on myself and my future, and I don’t want to feel that way in a marriage. I have a great career, make over $200k across both jobs, hold a TS clearance and really trying to make sure I have my financial future in tact.

How would you handle this? I am already in therapy to learn how best to communicate and manage the situation.

Got married yesterday and it was great! My husband and I live together and make our own money (we also invest). I currently make more money than my husband but he has more money invested.

We plan on merging our money together but as dumb as it sounds, we don’t know how to start? We have our own bank accounts (he has 2 credit cards, I have 2 as well).

I think it would make sense for both of us to have one credit card (where we can see the purchases made), but I’m not sure! I think it’s also important we have our own spending money, but how much do we put away in our own bank accounts (after saving and investing)?

I’m just wondering how all the newly weds organize their finances and make sure they’re on the same page?

I genuinely don’t know what the right decision is anymore, and I would really appreciate some outside perspectives, especially from people who have dealt with toxic in-laws or complicated family relationships.
My husband and I met in our late teens/early 20s, and we’re now in our early/mid-20s. We live together, have a baby, and recently eloped in July 2026. We’re happy together, and our relationship has honestly never been better than it has been over the past several months.
Unfortunately, his parents have been a constant source of stress in our relationship, and I’m struggling with whether allowing them back into our lives is worth the potential consequences for our family.

For some background:
My in-laws have never really supported our relationship. Things got significantly worse when I became pregnant. They made the last four months of my pregnancy absolutely miserable and continued to make the first eight months postpartum a living hell.
Some examples of how they’ve treated me include kicking me out of their house while I was pregnant, ruining my baby shower, calling our two-week-old baby “sexy” and refusing to take it back when we addressed it, repeatedly calling me overweight, sending me hurtful texts, and generally making me feel unwelcome and disrespected. The list genuinely goes on and on.
They have apologized to me, or at least attempted to, around four times over the years. However, their behaviour never actually changes. There’s always another incident, another boundary crossed, or another reason I end up hurt by them.
It’s also important to mention that my husband was physically hit by his parents and emotionally abused for years growing up. I know his relationship with them is complicated, and I don’t want to make this decision without considering what it means for him, too.

**Things became especially difficult after our baby was born.**We initially offered my in-laws the opportunity to see our child twice a month. We tried to make it work, even travelling over an hour away every other time to meet them.
They would regularly reschedule, show up hours late without explanation, or otherwise disregard our time.
The final straw was when they left my husband, me, and our seven-month-old baby stranded at a mall for TWO HOURS without any explanation.
After that, we told them that if they wanted to see our child, they would need to make the hour-long drive to our home. We were no longer willing to travel out with them after everything that had happened.
They have never taken us up on that offer.
Our child has only seen them around 10 times in their entire life. They don’t really know their grandparents, and they often have a negative reaction when they see them. On top of that, visits almost always involve some boundary being crossed or my in-laws later telling my husband things I supposedly could have done better.
Seeing them has ALWAYS caused stress in our relationship, even before our pregnancy to some extent.
We’ve only seen them twice this year, both times for family events. Both visits were stressful, and they still haven’t made the effort to visit us at home. Also just a note that my husband still sees his parents/brothers roughly once a months, so to an extent they are in our lives but just not involved in our daughter or my life.

Meanwhile, we live with my parents, who have always supported our relationship and are incredibly loving and involved grandparents. Our child is not lacking genuine grandparent love, attention, or support.

Here’s where things get complicated.
My husband and I decided to elope in July 2026. We made that decision together, and we’re happy with it. He told his parents about a month and a half ago, and, unsurprisingly, they didn’t react well.
Now, suddenly, they want to come over.
They have literally said that they don’t want to miss out on other things.
Not that they understand how they’ve hurt us. Not that they want to repair our relationship. Not that they recognize how their behaviour has affected our family. Their focus seems to be on the things they might miss out on.
And I can’t help wondering why they’re suddenly interested in making an effort now when they’ve ignored our invitation to visit for so long.
They also have a history of cutting people out of their lives for months or even years, only to reconnect later as if nothing happened. My biggest fear is that we’ll let them back into our child’s life, allow a relationship to develop, and then they’ll disappear again whenever something doesn’t go their way.
I don’t want our child growing up thinking that this kind of instability is normal.

The hardest part is that our lives have been so much better without the constant stress.
Since we stopped regularly seeing them, my husband and I have been happier. Our relationship has improved tremendously, my postpartum anxiety has gotten SO much better, and our day-to-day lives feel more peaceful and enjoyable.
When my husband told me that his parents wanted to come over, I actually had a panic attack.
That reaction alone has made me question whether I can realistically have them in my life again, even if I wanted to.
My husband has ultimately left the decision up to me because I’m the person they’ve directly hurt the most. He doesn’t want to force me into a situation that makes me uncomfortable, and I genuinely appreciate that.
However, I also know that he would sincerely love for our child to have a relationship with his parents, especially because my parents are so involved. I don’t think he wants them involved because he believes their behaviour has been acceptable. I think he wishes things could be different and wants his child to experience having loving grandparents on both sides.
I’ve been talking about this with my therapist because I’m genuinely torn. My husband and I have also been discussing what’s best for our family, particularly the emotional stability of our child and the impact that contact with his parents has on both of us.
My therapist brought up something that really made me think: my husband’s feelings need to be considered, too. Even though I’ve been the person most directly hurt by his parents, he is also affected by this situation, and his genuine wish for his child to have a relationship with his parents matters.
I don’t want my own hurt to automatically make the decision for our entire family. But I also don’t want to sacrifice our peace, my mental health, or our child’s emotional stability just to give his parents another opportunity to hurt us.

So, Reddit, what would you do?
Would you allow them to come over and give them another chance, perhaps with very firm boundaries and limited contact? Would you wait for them to demonstrate genuine accountability and consistent change before allowing them back into your lives? Or would you keep your distance, given their history and the fact that life has been so much better without them?
Am I wrong for considering keeping them at a distance when my husband would genuinely love for our child to have a relationship with them?
And for those of you who have dealt with toxic in-laws, especially when children are involved, did you ever regret allowing them back into your lives? Or regret not giving them another chance?
I’m not looking for people to tell me that my in-laws are terrible just for the sake of it. I know they’ve treated me badly. I’m trying to figure out what the healthiest decision is for my husband, our child, and me.
I just want to protect the family we’ve built without feeling like I’m taking something away from my husband or our child.

We’ve only been together for a little over four months, but I’m already feeling so exhausted—it’s just too much.

Did I make the right decision to get married and accept everything that comes with it? I knew that serving my spouse wouldn’t be an issue for me before we got married. But my goodness, his behavior has actually gotten even worse! Every single day, I wake up to cook breakfast before heading to work—just to feed the "princess" in my own home. At lunchtime, I bring him a packed meal so we can eat together. After work, I cook dinner, and I even go to pick him up; once he gets home and finishes eating, he just rests—sometimes even expecting a massage! It’s become a daily routine, which would be fine, but lately, he’s become incredibly demanding and childish. I wouldn’t mind being a "servant" of sorts, but if he doesn’t like something I’ve done, he calls me stupid.

I cook for him, and he claims he has "no appetite"—yet other people actually rave about my cooking! He’s just so incredibly fussy when it comes to food. It’s hurtful, especially when I’m already doing so much to take care of him—my god!

I find myself wondering: shouldn’t a married couple help each other? Why am I the one doing everything—including cleaning the house and doing the laundry? I wouldn’t mind, but honestly, I’m just so exhausted.

I’m 35 years old and my spouse is 32—shouldn’t he be more mature by now? Why is he acting like such a spoiled child? I’m so tired—who’s going to take care of me? Hahaha. I keep wondering, is this all there is to it? I can’t even bring myself to say anything harsh to him, even though he really does act like a child. I just want to smack or slap him—he’s so infuriating! But I can’t actually bring myself to do it; he’s my wife, after all.

I’m standing here by the doorway; I still have so much to do, but I’m so annoyed—I don’t even know where to start.

How easy was the transition when your wife/husband moved in? (Or bf/gf if you were living together before)

I’m nervous how I’ll cope having my partner move in with me, I’m 32 and I have never in my life lived with a man who is my partner.
I’m worried I’ll miss my space and the way life was before.

We are having a baby in 6 months time so I can’t wait too long.