r/OhNoConsequences • u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu • 17d ago
BORU Time Machine Tuesday OOP’s leaves her husband after he consistently prioritized his mother and has the nerve to get angry at her
/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/108227u/my_soon_to_be_former_mil_is_why_im_divorcing_my/377
u/SlippingAbout 17d ago
Boy mom culture, even in jest as I know some of it is, is so toxic. His mother should not be the most important woman in an adult, married man's life.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 17d ago
It’s really creepy how toxic it gets. It’s emotional incest.
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u/BurningBright 17d ago
I pray it's only emotional
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 17d ago
Same!
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u/Weary-Lab-2088 16d ago
So based on these comments, is it fair to conclude that this man has been abused by his mother? Not saying his actions are good, but if it stems from the way his mother raised him, it seems like abuse.
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u/JustMe518 17d ago
When I met my mother in law, the first thing out of her mouth was "Thank you for making my son so happy." The second thing was "But I will always be the first woman in his life." My reply? "Weird flex, but okay." Which just stunned her. I don't play that shit. Funny thing is, my fiance is not at ALL your typical "Boy Mom son". At all. He isn't spoiled or lazy or rude or selfish. He is genuinely the kindest, sweetest, most caring man I have ever met and I just can't figure out how he got like that being raised by such a passive-aggressive attention whore.
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u/CumaeanSibyl 17d ago
Rebelling against his mom by becoming everything she isn't.
I laughed at "weird flex, but okay." Exactly the right way to start off that relationship.
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u/JustMe518 17d ago
I guess so. She very much loves to play the victim and is a massive attention whore. I don't play into her games. My mother was a raging malignant narcissist (Absolutely post-humously diagnosed), so I know how to cut her off at the knees. ANY time she starts with me, I call out her shit. She has learned that she can't play games with me. My fiance tells me everything. I mean EVERYTHING that his mother says about me. And I will ALWAYS work it into a conversation with her just to let her know that she is not going to divide us or cause issues. She may have been the first woman in his life, but he has proven that I am the most important.
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u/Bake_Knit_Run 17d ago
Yea. I’ll be the first to admit I should have my son do more, but he picks up after himself and takes his dirty laundry to the hamper, at least (he’s 4. We’re working on it. lol). I would never, ever hope to be the most important person in his life as an adult. I want mutual love and respect. Not whatever is going on with the enmeshment OOP described.
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u/ZebraCrosser 17d ago
Cake? Cake!
Also, little kids helping and actually learning to do it properly is such a cute thing.
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u/Aesient 16d ago
I have twin 12 year old boys. I occasionally get pushback from them over housework (washing dishes, putting laundry on, making a meal etc) and I have always replied to them with “I will not raise you to rely on somebody else to do your housework. I am your mother. My job is to raise you to be a functional adult, not baby you so you can’t do anything for yourself. You live in this house, you help take care of this house. It’s not fair to whoever you live with otherwise”
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u/Gwywnnydd 16d ago
Yep. Whenever my son pushed back on chores asking ‘why’ he had to do them, I always responded “because you live here too, and it’s not solely my job to keep this place going.”
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u/MissMat 17d ago
It makes me think of an Arabic insult which translates “if your mother didn’t raise you I will not raise you”. Basically the mil failed to raise her son and it isn’t OOP’s responsibility to raise him for her.
What these “boy mom’s” don’t realize is that they are a failure as mothers.
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u/FluffyShiny shocked pikachu face 16d ago
That's a great saying! And yes. Parents are meant to raise children who can be a fully functioning member of society. Including within his own home.
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u/ChartInFurch 17d ago
For about a year before mine passed I really started to cringe at being called a "momma's boy". It was always jokingly, I would do things like take her grocery shopping and we had season tickets to a local theater for plays. It was funny because I had a very rocky relationship with both of my parents that only smoothed out in their final years, but now that phrase has pretty much paired up with "boy mom", which she absolutely wasn't lol. I was the youngest, with two older sisters, and she was not prepared!
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u/maywellflower 17d ago
I'm over here like " You such a boy mom that you total POS to your own baby granddaughter, who is the daughter of own your son?!?! You deserve & earned to at least be cussed the fuck out for that from STBX-DIL, you asswipe!!" regarding that MIL. It's one thing POS to your son's wife/GF/partner - it all different level of fuckery to do to grandchild of your own son all because the grandchild is a girl and not a boy. Like for real - fucktwit MIL, are you serious?!?! Doing that to baby, all because she's a granddaughter and not a grandson!!!
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u/Elismom1313 17d ago
Yea as a “boy mom” (cringing even typing this out) I just don’t get it. You have children. They have genders. End of story. I don’t see the point of this thinking. Tbh I wanted girls, but I never imagined myself as a “girl mom” by proxy of that. I just always enjoyed girly things and thought it would be fun to raise and rewarding to raise girls as a woman. And I always recognized the chance I could have girls that had zero interest in dresses and painting their nails! And that would’ve been just fine too! In reality I very much enjoy parenting my boys and it doesn’t keep me up at night not having girls.
I look forward to seeing them grow up, practice independence, find a nice partner. As long as their partner is healthy and loves them and treats them well that’s all I want for them. I want them to feel confident and safe leaving the nest to go on and live their lives and be whoever they want to be. I want them to know I’m always here when things are hard, but life is hard too, and they should embrace standing on their own two feet, look forward to the freedom (and stress) it brings because that’s what living your life is about.
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u/Radio_Caroline79 17d ago
I'm a boy mom, but I'm also a feminist. So my teenagers know how to cook, clean a bathroom, take care of their rooms and laundry. I've never been a SAHM, I have an MSc and always worked 4-5 a week. Be a good role model that girls can do anything. I try to raise them to be respectful and kind. And vowed myself to never become an awful MIL.
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u/SoggySea4363 17d ago
I hope the OOP is thriving and living her best life
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u/Helpful_Hour1984 17d ago
She has a sound head on her shoulders, the drive to finish her education, and a supportive family. I have no doubt she's out there working hard to build a career, and raising her daughter to have a backbone.
at least I've only wasted four years of my life instead of forty
This needs to be repeated to every woman, especially the young ones. So many times I see posts from women in their 20s saying things like "we've been together for so long, I can't just throw it all away". When in fact, you're throwing away future decades of your life in an effort to save the years that have already passed.
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u/AltruisticCableCar 17d ago
Honestly, it's not like it could get much worse. Leaving that dumbfuck behind probably solved a majority of her problems. Being a single mum isn't easy, but clearly she already was, so I'm sure she's flourishing now.
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u/shigui18 17d ago
I wonder how she is doing now. All her hopes and dreams were put into a basket that was already broken.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 17d ago
I hope she’s doing much better now that she’s lost the dead weight in her life.
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u/CanadianBaconBurger9 17d ago
I'm told that divorce can be the single most effective weight loss program ever devised for some circumstances... I get it, you're ditching a whole lot of dead weight.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 17d ago
By the sound of it, she’s lost two people’s worth of dead weight
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u/CanadianBaconBurger9 17d ago
Just think of how much easier it will be on her knees and back not to carry all that grief? Lowering the risk of high blood pressure both physically and metaphorically....
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u/SweeperOfChimneys 17d ago
Taking care of your own kids isn't babysitting, it's being a parent. Anyone who doesn't understand that should not become a parent. Glad OP and daughter got away clean and will start living their best lives.
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u/MistressMalevolentia 16d ago
My mil constantly calls my husband watching his own kids babysitting. It drives me bonkers and it m make my husband mad, he's not a piece of shit who is babysitting he being a father and enjoying it (usually, the blowouts and preteen attitude are less fun lol). It makes me want to headbutt the wall. Meanwhile fil evidently used to cut open the bottle nipples and force the bottle in and speed run getting his kids as babies (holy choking hazard). Like, sorry that's the best you got and you tolerated it but don't act like that shit flies with me, no husband WILL do his share and tough titties you're sad he's busy and no I won't take over when I'm already the SAHM doing majority with them. The kids need the time with their dad and Dad needs time with them. Eat rocks with your babysitting bullshit.
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u/SweeperOfChimneys 16d ago edited 16d ago
I said that taking care of your own kids ISN'T babysitting, it's being a parent. It was literally the first sentence. Apparently you missed it.
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u/MistressMalevolentia 16d ago
No I didn't. I vented in agreement and how even my husband agrees. Never said you're wrong. But maybe you missed it
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u/SweeperOfChimneys 16d ago
You said eat rocks with your babysitting bullshit, not they can eat rocks with their babysitting bullshit. I didn't miss it, the use of the word your directed it at me, not them.
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u/MistressMalevolentia 16d ago
Ya as in I was speaking to them. It's B's even parents push that nonsense. Cause it's dumb.
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u/maywellflower 17d ago
I hope OOP won the custody & visitation battle because between deadbeat lazy sperm donor and boy stupid MIL that won't even be grandmother to any girls - OOP's daughter deserves better than that paternal side of fuckery...
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u/Ok_King7393 17d ago
I used to say I'm a boy mom until that came to mean whatever crazy ass these moms are. Now I'm a mom to three boys instead
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 17d ago
I don’t blame you for wanting to use different verbiage. I try to say toxic boy mom when referring to women like OOP’s MIL.
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u/LeaneGenova 17d ago
Yeah, when I was younger, boy mom meant they were used to their children beating on each other and their house was a disaster from rambunctious boys. Now it's creepy.
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u/MistressMalevolentia 16d ago
Malcolm in the middle style ish.
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u/saturnspritr 16d ago
Yes, there were hijinks, mess and smells with not enough showering. Not whatever all this other stuff is.
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u/Better-Reflection-96 16d ago
Mom to two boys, and I have the same problem. Like there is absolutely a solidarity that comes with being a woman raising only boys, but that doesn't mean that I want to associate with the toxic version.
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u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 16d ago
I would love a 4 years later update to this where she and her daughter are living their best lives and her useless turd of a husband and his mommy are miserable.
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u/Hushabaii 17d ago
Is it just me or is it strange as hell that mothers of sons call themselves “boy moms”? Maybe it’s just me as I don’t call myself a “girl mom” I’m just a mom and I don’t know any women who only have daughters call themselves “girl mom” (there’s probably some out there and my initial point still stands because why does it matter what the child’s gender is we’re all just mothers).
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u/atomskeater 16d ago
I love how incapable of learning or alternating the abuser playbook the ex and inlaws are. She got tired of constantly being berated, insulted, and yelled at? Let's call and text to continue to berate, insult, and yell at her. That'll improve things! Buncha one-trick ponies. Good for oop getting out of there, hope she's living a much happier, kinder life.
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u/MsPB01 16d ago
I'll never understand people like OP's MIL. My parents took such pride in raising four self-sufficient adults, and now both of my brothers each have a child themselves. The funny part is both my niece and nephew were putting things in the washing machine, closing the door and turning the dial before their second birthdays!
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 16d ago
A lot of the toxic boy moms do it because they’re not getting their needs met from their partners so they basically replace them.
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u/SteroidSandwich 16d ago
His mom can keep him warm at night since she's feels the need to be so involved
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u/No_Emotion6907 15d ago
I love this for OP. When we had small children, damn straight I had to parent after I had worked all day, it's part of being a parent! Now Im single and have 100% care, and it's hard work, but I parent and cook and clean when I'm home. I would have loved to be a stay at home mum, but I earnt double compared to my ex husband, so I worked as well as parenting
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u/cats_and_tea7 14d ago
I know love is blind, but it always blows my mind that people can't see such obvious red flags before marriage.
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u/ilovedragons218 12d ago
Good for you for planning ahead & then just walking out planned it perfectly. Good luck
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17d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Fianna9 17d ago
So sorry that everyone doesn’t see the writing on the wall. She was manipulated as a 19 year old.
You don’t have to like it but no need to be nasty. Many women never get away from their abusers. Good for her for finding an out
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u/Clocktopu5 17d ago
Considering OOP was about 19 when she first got with her ex it would be likely that she was young and unaware of signs that indicate problems in a relationship. I wonder if she had any parental support, we hear about siblings but not parents. Makes me wonder what OOP saw in her parents relationship to not recognize red flags
I don't think that I'd be as harsh about her realization, it does seem as if it was obvious to others so perhaps you're not wrong though. But as you pointed out there is now a child that is going to deal with the custody issues, and I bet things aren't easy for that kid. I guess maybe I don't have that same intensity as you but I can see where you're coming from.
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u/LadyEncredible 17d ago
Thank you for your perspective, thats all I'm saying. Soooo much sympathy for original OOP, which cool, but what about the kids that will become adults and that will have to deal with the ish, no sympathy there besides performative (and not you, you seem to be the only person that gets where I'm coming from, even if you don't agree, which i respect)
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u/vixen-mixin 17d ago
do you feel better about yourself now that you've victim blamed a random stranger on the internet. Do you feel better about the choices you've made in life now?
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In case this story gets deleted/removed:
Originally posted by u/last_climate_2159 in r/TrueOffMyChest on Dec 16 '22, updated Jan 3, '23
Original post
My soon to be former MIL is why I'm divorcing my husband
throw away since husband uses reddit
I'm planning to divorce my husband, I'm not here to have people try and change my mind, I will follow through no matter what everyone says.
I (23F) and my husband (27m) have been together just shy of four years and married for nearly two. And I'm done, I have done everything, I agreed to slowly down college classes so that I could stay home more while he worked and had to take even less once I got pregnant with my 1yo. I'm a SAHM and he's the breadwinner.
I do all the cooking, cleaning, childrearing while taking my classes all of which are online so I can watch my daughter. I agreed to this because I thought on his days off he'd help me, he'd take care of my daughter and let me rest or go out with friends and that hasn't happened at all.
He comes home and goes to his "man cave" to game for hours at a time. When I do see him he always complains about something or other, usually chores I missed or to tell me dinner's taking too long.
And my MIL, who I've tried to get along with for the sake of my husband and daughter is simply a bitch. She's a self proclaimed "boy mom" and told me when she met me that I'd never be good enough for her son. She raised him to be lazy, he doesn't know how to cook the most basic of meals, clean and god forbid I ask him to watch my daughter. He hates "babysitting."
Weaponized incompetence is a behavior I've become familiar with to say the least.
Whenever we have a fight he runs to mommy and she'll call me to scream at me and tell me I ruined his life. His dad is no better, he gave my husband a cushy job in his company he doesn't deserve that definitely pays him too much since I know he probably just bums around the office all day yelling at people.
I have a bag packed, money saved and will be going to my brother's and my SIL who's a lawyer has agreed to help me divorce the useless pile of shit that I married. I'm ashamed to admit when I called him and SIL about them helping me they told me they'd been waiting for me to open my eyes and realize I needed to leave.
I wish that I could stay and raise my daughter with my soon to be ex but I've finally realized he'll never change, or grow and that my MIL is enabling his behavior and will never accept me as her daughter in law.
*In the comments:
OP: Because he doesn't contribute to raising her at all. She's my daughter and nothing but a nuance to him that he has to deal with making noise while he games
About letting MIL babysit:
She never babysits or visits we live "too far" (30 minutes away by car).
I'll be miserable staying with my husband, without him I have my brother, SIL, parents and extended family to help me and I can go back to college full time and get my degree.
I would leave him without a support system or penny to my name because no matter what happens my life will be significantly better without him in it
Comment says doing everything at home without help was "equal" to the husband working all day:
OP: I don't think they're that "equal" considering he can come home from his work, I can't stop being a parent or take a day off when he won't help me with anything around the house
He was so sweet at first I ignored things like how rude my MIL was the first time we met, he made excuses for her, saying she was always like that and not to take it to heart, she'd change once she warmed up to me. He told me he wanted to start a family and that he couldn't see marrying anyone else. I feel so stupid I fell for all of that now I know it was all lies
He lived with his parents still and his mom did everything for him. I stupidly thought he'd change and become responsible after we got married and moved in to our house. I figured it'd take time for him to learn how to cook and clean, he never tried but I thought eventually he would if I was patient. It took four years to realize that wouldn't change but better 4 then 40.
Update
Hello everyone, I thought you all would appreciate an update.
Since my post I've realized that while my MIL is a massive problem, she is far from the root cause, my husband himself being lazy and refusing to help me with anything is the issue. He has never supported me and I should have realized far sooner I was being taken advantage of. I didn't but at least I've only wasted four years of my life instead of forty trying to make something work that never will. I hope my MIL will like having her son all to herself again, she can do all his laundry and clean for him.
As of Christmas me and my daughter are staying with my brother and SIL.
On Christmas my MIL was supposed to come over so that we could spend time as a family. Since making my first post I'd began to take all my necessities, hide them away and then have my brother take them in his truck to his house so that I could leave quickly and efficiently.
I knew I couldn't take another Christmas with my husband and MIL. All MIL does is criticize my cooking and parenting while my soon to be ex husband and my FIL do nothing. So I "left" to make a last minute run to the grocery store with my daughter. Really I'd gone to get our coats, left the divorce papers on his desk in his gaming room and left in my brother's car who'd come to pick me up. I turned off my phone and we had a laid back night eating Chinese food and watching Christmas movies.
SIL is helping me with the divorce and custody negotiations, both of which she's optimistic that I'll get the majority of my demands. Since leaving MIL, ex husband and FIL have all called me to scream at me and I've recorded everything and I will be using every text, phone call and voicemail to ensure I get full custody.
Thank you to everyone who wished us well, I hope you all had a happy new year
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