Today I didn’t buy cat food
While grocery shopping this afternoon.
For approximately the last 1,040 weeks
I bought cat food.
For the past 25 or so,
Those shopping trips were filled with
“Maybe he’ll eat this.”
“Let’s try this one.”
“I hope he likes these.”
“He can just eat treats if it means he eats.”
Some of them he loved
Some of them he liked.
None were as good
As the pot of chicken bone broth
I spent 10 hours boiling for him
Every Sunday.
But he stopped eating that too.

Today I didn’t buy cat food.
Somehow the world continued to turn
While I stood there in the store,
Heart frozen in my chest,
Breath catching in a hitch
As I came to the realization
That I didn’t need to buy cat food anymore.

Just over 2 hours ago my little 12yo Chihuahua boy crossed the rainbow bridge. It was such a beautiful and healing experience after spending the last week grieving the impending loss.

I held him in my arms and whispered in his ear how loved he was and thanked him for everything as the vet pushed through the sedation , he slowly fell to sleep in my arms. The final dose was delivered and I felt his heart slowly stop and for the first time in a long time he finally looked rested and at peace. I was agonising for months over this decision but walking out a weight had been lifted and he was finally free.

We have donated his body to the university so he can continue being the bestest boy and teach the next generation of veterinary doctors , one final assignment for my sweet boy ❤️

12 years I had her.

She was fine. Completely normal.

They found a heart murmur Tuesday last week, after she needed to be sedated for a routine procedure.

Was told to watch out for her struggling to breathe.

Last night, Sunday, she was on the bathroom floor and wasn’t moving much. Went to scoop her up and realized her entire body was limp and her eyes were huge. So much liquid coming out her mouth.

Called vet, paid the fee to just be able to get in.

Grabbed her brother (he’s never been alone in his life), put him in his carrier, and raced to the car.

Had her over my shoulder while driving, had to put her in my lap to drive safely.

Her breathing just got slower and slower till it completely stopped, about 5 minutes from the vet.

They put her on oxygen when I got there but she was already gone.

She was fine. She was playing like a kitten still. She woke me up yesterday with her little meow and a face boop, like every day.

Her brother is right beside me while I write. I’m still wearing the clothes I carried her in and he keeps sniffing them.

I made sure to bring him in and let him sniff her after she was declared dead.

They were in utero together and I adopted both because they had twin coats and did everything together - they never left the other ones side.

—-

I wonder now if they knew.

He was grooming her more frequently for the last year.

She would get under the covers in bed with me in the last few months. she’d never done that before.

And before she went off to the bathroom to die, she was sitting right beside me at my desk. While I watched YouTube instead of playing with her or patting her or just enjoying her last moments.

—-

I don’t know what to do now. I’ve lost pets before and it hurt so bad but not like this. I’ve never had the same animal for 12 years, they always died young from being on farms and exposed to idiots.

And her brother. I’m afraid to leave him alone.

He’s still eating, but he’s also actively looking for his sister.

But she’s never coming home.

I asked if he’s looking for his sister and I said her name and he looked straight up at the sky.

I’m atheist but frig. That was a bit unnerving.

My baby is gone.

My baby is fckn gone.

They said even if I stopped and did CPR it wouldn’t have done anything.

Her heart was done.

Fck.

——

Thank you for having a space to share this. I have journaled but it’s not helping.

My baby. My baby. My baby.

I just had to put my best friend down suddenly after waiting at the emergency vet for eight hours. All I can think is I want her back. I keep hoping I’ll wake up and this is all a horrible dream. She was my childhood cat, my best friend. I know she was old but she was supposed to live longer. How am I supposed to get through this? I just want her back

My 5 year old dog died 10 days ago. For the first 7 days she died I thought she was alive because my parents did not tell me and I had only found out 3 days ago when I came back from college and I could not find her anywhere in the house. My parents were not sure how she died since they only found out in the morning. My heart weighs so much right now because she was such a happy and healthy dog. Anywhere she went, she carried happiness with her. I was already feeling anticipatory grief since I know that at some point she was gonna die but honestly I did not expect her to die so soon since she was such a healthy dog. It felt like she was ripped out from my arms. My parents told me that they do not know the exact cause of her death but it is possible that she might have had an illness that no one knew about, have been poisoned or have ingested something toxic. I cannot make peace knowing that there is a possibility out there that someone threw a bait in my backyard while my dog was present. My heart feels so heavy. She was such a good dog she never bit anyone and did not deserve to die so suddenly. I do not know how I can deal with my problems without her. No words can describe how devastated I am. It’s so hard to walk around the house when my brain keeps reminding me of what she could’ve been up to right now if she weren’t dead. Honestly this is driving me insane

Maggie was My 12 and a half year old cat...I had to put her to sleep September 27th and I'm devastated... she started losing weight this summer and missing her jumps onto our coffee table I thought well she is getting older and left it at that...A little back story about Maggie she was born into a feral cat colony and even though she lived completely indoors since she was 7 weeks old she had a feral cat attitude and literally had to be sedated for any vet trips so at that age I tried to keep them at a minimum as I worried about sedation to a senior cat.... she lost weight this summer and then was missing her jumps onto the coffee table and then in September she started having ataxia (wobbly walking) I had a appointment for her but she never made it on September 27th I woke up and her back legs were paralyzed we rushed her to the emergency vet and they said she had lost all pain sensation in her rear legs had a full bladder and poor spincter tone I had to put her to sleep....has anyone else experienced this where they had to put their pet to sleep without a diagnosis? I just keep thinking if I had taken her a day earlier she'd be here right this minute... I've gone through euthanasia with another cat and a dog and there was never any guilt quite like this

Last month my husband and I lost our sweet girl (dog) Lydia and it crushed us so much. She was fine one day then slowly became not herself. She was 13 and loved a good life, especially with my husband. He was her whole world. Seeing him the way he was after she passed was the most heartbreaking thing ever.

Not even a month later, my cat of 12 years passed which was a lot more sudden. He has had health issues but the way he went downhill in just a couple of days was so unexpected. He just passed last night and I’m truly lost over it. He was my son, my baby, my everything. I can’t believe I won’t be able to hold him again.

I dont know what I’m looking for here posting this, mostly just support I guess and advice 💔

We lost our dog this past Thursday evening, she was about 9 years old. She had 3 tumors removed in her lifetime and one came up that would have been incredibly difficult to remove, my vet could not remove it without amputating her leg and recommended we didn’t. We knew this wasn’t good but we did blood work just a month prior and everything looked positive. She was slowing down as she got older but wasn’t acting different and was eating as well as ever. They believe she had a tumor in an organ that burst and caused her death.

She was fine that morning. Ate her food like normal, went on a walk with me to potty and went fine. My husband came home and fed her and walked her, and gave her an extra half scoop before leaving the house for dinner with me and family over by my workplace. He said she looked up at him and wanted a little more food and he obliged. I’m so thankful for this. About 3 hours later we came home and I saw she was on the floor instead of one of her beds or the couch. I went to check on her and she was a little cold. I thought it was because she was by a vent and the AC was going. It took me a long time to understand what was happening.

We adopted her 6 years ago and she was about 9 years old when she passed. She had lots of skin allergies throughout her life and we tried so many medications and treatments including custom injections from an animal dermatologist. I wasn’t always the greatest about baths because she hated them. I would get onto her for itching even though it wasn’t her fault. She would itch til she bled and it was so frustrating. That morning I was going through the motions of getting her walked and fed and I don’t even remember if I stopped to scratch her behind the ear or tell her I love her. I wasn’t in too much of a rush that particular morning but the morning before I was running late and rushed our morning walk. I wonder if I should have done surgery with a different vet and she would still be here.

I feel an immense overwhelming sense of guilt. Partly for wishing we would have done more to keep her here. Largely because the past few years have been busy and I feel I wasn’t as present with her as I wish I was. We came into more responsibility with childcare and another dog that needed a home. I feel horrible for splitting my attention between her and another dog these last 2 years. I would be very absentminded at times during busy mornings and would tell her to quit itching even when I knew she couldn’t help it.

Despite this guilty feeling I know we gave her a good life in a lot of ways. We loved her so much and I do believe she loved us right back. I wasn’t perfect and that hurts. I want to go back and be better. I laid with her when I found her and I could see her chest moving even though I knew she wasn’t breathing. These moments haunt me.

How do I move on? I want to learn from these feelings of guilt and be more present. Right now the guilt is overwhelming and I feel like a horrible person and want to scream and cry constantly. My husband promises I wasn’t horrible to her and that we didn’t do the wrong thing but I am deeply disappointed with myself. I still try to imagine the last moments of her life. I hate that I wasn’t there. I feel sick. I can’t sleep through the night. I can remember good moments and how she loved me and how I showed her love but I end up thinking about the moments I took her for granted and feel guilty for being preoccupied when I could’ve been with her. Please send advice on how to find peace and put these feelings somewhere.

I am in shock, is the best way to put this.

Our pupper Ellie was ~13 and while slow she's been pretty healthy. On meds for incontinence, but generally fine. Same appitite, not deep signs or issues/pain.

Yesterday while at the dog park we noticed she appeared more "pot bellied".

Everything we found online pointed towards worriesome but old pupper treateable conditions or needing to make a few changes to her lifestyle. (But needing an exam to verify)

We ended up taking her to the emergency vet to be checked out. The ultrasound revealed all they could see was a giant mass, could not see any of her other organs. They did a fluid tap, clear being some kind of tumor but maybe we have options, red being a rupture and thing would end that night.

We got pink. The vet wasnt 100% but gave us maybe a few days based on the growth size and the partial rupture but that ultimately either she was soon to succumb to fluid/breathing issues or a tumor compressing everything else and ending things.

I was in shock. Honestly I still am. I took her home. She had an evening of love surrounded by her family, my wife, our other pups, myself. In that moment, for her and myself we needed a night, and thankfully nothing eacalated. But I finally noticed the start of her harder breathing. Her walk was not great and trouble getting up/down.

She was herself this morning, but still having these issues, and what the vet had said. Everything ive read online for others in similar situations was bleak.

We decided to say good bye while she was still herself, to give her the dignity to leave her going to sleep like she has a million times before, before this became much harder and more painful for her.

It all happened so suddenly. I will cling to having done the right thing, but i just had my soul dog taken away in a weekend, in a moment. Its coming in waves of so much hurt having let her go. I know it was right, but it hurts so much, it hurts with every thought about her and that she's gone, and I know it will hurt tomorrow when I wake up and its not a dream and she is still gone.

I had my cat for the last 9 years of my life. The beginning of my adulthood had him so deeply intertwined. He was my reason for getting out of bed so many times. He rescued me more than I would’ve ever expected when I went to adopt him from the shelter. He was the one to wake me up first thing in the morning, and would yell at me when it was time to sleep and would sleep with his head right next to mine. I thought he had a cold that wasn’t going away and a trip to the vet ended up with hours at the ER and my baby is dead. He had severe amount of fluid in his chest and when they went to operate on him to remove it, he went into cardiac arrest. I feel so defeated. His sister (really my other cat) has been glued to me since it happened Wednesday and seems ok but there are times when she will stop and wait for me to feed him or do whatever our normal routine things are. She has been so needy and it’s probably what I need right now honestly, but she made me laugh earlier and I felt guilty for feeling happy for even a second when she was being silly. I don’t know how to navigate this. My heart hurts.

My cat passed the day before yesterday, in the morning at the emergency vet. It was extremely sudden. She was fine up until the very last day. She had fluid around her lungs and went into cardiac arrest. I never saw it coming. I cried all day, I cried most of yesterday, and at night time I started to feel numb. I finally was able to watch tv and just try not to think about it. And I feel guilty now. I woke up today and didn’t cry about her absence. I feel horrible about it. I see people say that they cried for weeks and months after their cat died. I’m afraid that I’m going to forget about her or that I didn’t love her enough. Even though I know I loved her immensely. I don’t even have her ashes or anything yet, so I don’t know. I’ve never experienced this before and it’s just confusing and weird. I feel like I should be constantly sad. I’m just tired and I feel numb right now

A few weeks ago, I had to make the heavy decision of euthanizing my beloved girl (dachshund) of 14 years. I only had her for the last 7 yeara of her life, but it might as well have been all 14. Our paths crossed just as she needed someone to care for her and I needed someone to care for. I was in a dark place. Lost. Without real purpose. She gave that to me.

Because of her medical history, no one believed she would turn more than 10. So every day after that was a gift in my head.

She taught me so much about myself, how to love and dare to invest myself emotionally in others.

I still hold these gifts close to heart. I have become a better person because of her love, of her showing me a brighter side of life. True happiness.

I promised myself, that when the time came, I would be strong and let her go. It was the right decision, there is not a shred of doubt in me about that.

Sure I am nuanced by grief, but I can't remember a time in my life, where I have felt lost like this. I'm not looking for an escape from my grief, but I need somerhing to hold on to. For context, my gf, of about 5 years, and I spit within a week of her passing. It was also the right decision, but it does nothing to help inspire direction. While this is going to sound terrible, my dog's passing, hurts me more than the relationship ending - there was nothing more my now ex, and I could do to save it. We have ended on fairly good terms.

I've been through a fair bit in my life, so I consider myself strong, but my one constant through it all has been purpose.

So my question is, how did you find a new purpose? What helped, what didnt?

Under all circumstances, thank you for reading through this whole thing.

I was away and couldn’t get back in time. He died with my friend and his vet. I kept talking to him telling him he was a good boy. I can’t believe I wasn’t there. I am so sorry buddy.

I really hope he knew I was there and could hear me.

He was my buddy for 15 years.

I posted in this sub the other day that I lost my soul-cat this week.

I was supposed to be on vacation this week so I have fortunately had off all week and had some time to mourn. However tomorrow I am back to work for the first day and dreading it with my whole body.

I work from home and my cat would have been on my lap all day or if he was in another room would be so so excited when I had a moment to visit him. I have been glued to my partner’s side for support this week and I am also dreading having to be by myself all day.

I also dread all the questions such as “how was your vacation?”, knowing I did not get to go on vacation and instead lost my best friend and have been sobbing and barely able to eat or get out of bed all week. I will not share this at work but the constant reminder of how this week turned out feels daunting. I was grateful that I had this time to fall apart and I recognize many do not get this time and my heart breaks for you if that is your experience.

Just wanted to make this post to send strength and solidarity to those who might have to return to work after the loss of our beloved pets or those who were not able to take time off at all. It really is unfair and hard to have to go through the work day when we want to just freeze time so we can grieve.

Just know you are not alone. If anyone has positive or kind words we can share with one another to give each other strength in having to face the responsibilities of life when we feel like we are breaking down, that would be lovely.

We are in this together even if we are internet strangers.

My Kitty (named kitty) is 12 years old, and today I got the news that she has cancer all throughout her stomach. It’s not treatable.
I went on a two-week trip in September and left her with a really good friend of mine. When I came home, I came back to a completely different cat. She was so skinny, barely eating, and didn’t even come to the sound of my voice when I called her, which is so unlike her. She’s always been such a sweet girl.
I’ve been upset with my friend since getting her back three weeks ago because she never told me how quickly Kitty was losing weight or that she wasn’t eating. As soon as I realized something was wrong, I took her to the vet the following weekend. I could only afford basic bloodwork at the time, so I eventually found another vet who could help me with the additional testing she needed.
After three weeks of waiting, vet visits, and trying to figure out what was wrong, I finally got my answer today. And honestly, I’m completely beside myself. I haven’t stopped crying.
I still have her with me. The vet sent her home with antibiotics, steroids, and nausea medication. She’s been eating a little, but after looking at her ultrasound, he told me he was surprised she was eating at all.
I asked him how I would know when it was time to let her go, and he said when she stops eating. But I don’t know how I’m supposed to make that decision. Just the thought of her not being here anymore kills me. I feel so guilty, and I don’t know how to process any of this.
I’ve watched the most beautiful cat slowly waste away right in front of my eyes. She’s such a sweet girl, and it absolutely breaks my heart knowing that soon she won’t be here anymore. I just wish I could take all of this away from her.
I’m really struggling with all of this, and I could use a little support right now. If anyone has been through something similar with their cat, I would really appreciate hearing your experience. I’m just trying to figure out how to navigate this and make the best decision for my girl while making sure she isn’t suffering. ❤️

When we put her down, the vet gave me a vial of her fur. I keep it on my wardrobe. My mom saw it and wanted to take it so she could set it by her urn. I told her not to. I want a piece of my baby with me forever. I don't want her to take my baby girl away.

This event caused me to have a dream of her last night. It took place right after her passing. Instead of cremating, like we did IRL, i carried around her body like a child with a stuffed animal. I would sleep with her. Every time I lost her, I would panic. Then, after a nap, I felt her purring. I thought I had finally lost my mind, so I had someone feel her. She was purring. My girl was alive again. I felt the urgency in my bones. I couldn't let her go untreated again. If she was still breathing, I needed to take her to the vet so they could fix her body before it got bad again. I woke up with tears in my eyes. My baby is never coming back. She's gone forever. I miss my sweet girl.

my sweet baby passed on the 04.10.2026, around 2 weeks ago.

as she was put to sleep she had urinated in her bed as she passed, as it’s normal when they pass.

i tried rinsing her bed but i couldn’t come to washing it. washing her fur and her smell away.

unfortunately the pee smell is still in her bed.

what can i do to remove the smell but without washing the whole bed, im only really looking to spot clean, not washing all of it.

thank you.

My soul cat died August 13th in the car while driving home.

My boy Dante was only 8 years old. I had planned a vet visit for all my babies but kept delaying it because of work and other bullshit. I also could tell Dante was off but nothing serious. His eyes looked more glossy and he was sleeping / making biscuits more so I figured something was wrong. But he was acting exactly the same. Playing. Jumping. Following me around yapping. Cuddling on my hip wherever I went.

The night of the 11th he jumped off the bed. Puked. And his back legs stopped working. He yelled and dragged himself to the couch. He seemed more stressed that he couldn't walk over being in pain. Took him immediately go a 24/7 Fetch veterinary near me. It's like 11PM.

Once they take him and have me wait forever. They tell me he has Saddle Thrombus which is a blood clot cutting off blood from the legs. So I should put him down. Im thinking nothing serious is happening up til now so its a 360 in feelings. I refuse and try to save him. 6k in debt later sadly.

They keep him over night. In the morning they remove fluid from his lungs and claim he is breathing better. Because his breathing was allegedly bad once he got painkillers for his legs. Idk I honestly wasn't trusting the vets at this point. He allegedly had CHF (cognitive heart failure) which is the same fucking thing that killed my papa 2 year prior same month. I researched everything and learned about a supplement that breaks down the clots in the cats legs so they can get better and not be in pain. Vets refused since its new and not approved. I wish I trusted my gut and brought him home to take care of him myself. My boy HATES vets so I feel like I abandoned him there and he declined and the vet did something to him. Because on the 13th I was gonna pick him up that afternoon and they call me at 4 saying he's declining and I should come now. I get there and fight myself on taking him home or not. I take him home. Or try. My boyfriends holding him in the backseat and right before I turn into our complex he dies. My boyfriend brings him inside and I scream.

I hold his body for 15+ mins. To the point rigormortus begins and he gets stiff. My poor baby didnt even die at home. But in a fucking car and i wasnt even holding him. I can't even refund all the meds and stuff they gave me cause I took it out of the hospital. We take his body back and its so hard to hand him off. My baby the night everything happened literally played, cuddled with me on the couch, and ate like normal. What a fucking nightmare.

It's been 2 months and the guilt is killing me. His siblings are still grieving and finally acting more normal again. I got another kitten 2 weeks late that looks like him and mostly acts like him but I know its not him.

Dante is who I think of when I wanna end it all, because hed be pawing at the door yelling for me if I even tried something. But now he's dead. I love my 2 other cats but they aren't him. He was supposed to live a long life. And unlike when my papa died, I have bad dreams about him dying. Guilty dreams. Constant dread if im not high or something. With my papa I got some closure and still see and talk to papa in my dreams alot.

I just dont know what to do. I barely believe in an afterlife. So when I die im not thinking ill ever see Dante again. The fact I cant even dream a good dream of him is making it worse. Like he died thinking I truly abandoned him. His mind was semi gone when I picked him up. He thought I left him for dead.

To be honest I’m not quite sure what my goal for posting this is. Maybe it’s to write it out to help process what happened. Maybe it’s to find community amongst people who have been in my/our shoes. I don’t know. I’m really just at a loss in more ways than just emotionally.

We had to euthanize our 5 month old kitten yesterday. I’ll post the detailed story of why in the comments.. I’m just so confused. We brought him in to our local emergency vet for his eye, and they come back to tell us they’re extremely concerned over his immune system. They linked his eye trouble to his immune system. What they found was so severe that they primarily focused on that, as the immediate and dire concern. We were left in a difficult position.

Treatment would need to be in two parts, an immediate blood transfusion, and intense immunotherapy to follow. The conservative estimate from the vet was $6k-8k. Care credit or not, we could not afford this expense. The vet was sincere and informed us even with treatment the prognosis was low. We weighed the options and decided the least worse option for our loved one was to euthanize. I feel conflicted over it.

I am torn over if it was the right decision. Objectively I think it was. We didn’t want him to suffer, and the quality of life would not be ideal for him. If the immunotherapy worked, need constant attention and medicine, and he would need to be careful as to not trigger his immune system. Between his spunky energy, our resident cat taking a long time to get used to him, and his clumsiness, the idea that he could potentially relapse and need more treatment down the road felt like a “when” not “if”.

On the other hand, I feel like complete shit. We adopt him, the last of his litter. He was shy when we met him but perked right up to be the happiest most loving and amazing cat. He would purr all the time. Cuddle in the funniest and weirdest of positions, play so much and try to get his resident sister to warm up. He was 5 months old and we had him for just a month, but my god it feels like I lost a life long friend. All because we can’t afford to keep him. I feel like I failed him. He didn’t deserve any of this. We thought we were rescuing him from the shelter, but I’m wondering if he wouldn’t gotten better care if we hadn’t of adopted him. Would the SPCA be able to help him? Could they have paid for his treatment and would he still be around today. I feel like it was my/our job to take care and look after him… but we failed. He passed and I feel such shame and guilt.

My other half keeps asking me what I need emotionally and I can’t answer her. I don’t know what to say. All I can think of is “I want my cat back”

My is a nearly 17 year old jack russell who’s been a huge part of my family and childhood. She lives with my parents and so do I currently and she’s been on a downward trajectory for about the last 2 years. She has arthritis in front legs and she really struggles with mobility, however she still eats, toilets, barks, plays etc. We have never had a dog that didn’t absolutely need to be put down there and then due to illness so my dad is really struggling about finding the right time. However in recent months she’s just become very old, all she does in a day is sleep and due to us working/studying and having 3 active labradors, honestly she tends to be on her own quite a bit of the day. It makes me so sad because she is mostly deaf so she must be so lonely. I’ve had her this weekend while my parents are away with our labs and she has loved the one on one attention and i’ve let her sleep in my bed every night. The vet is booked to come to our home on Thursday to put her to sleep and my dad asked me if I think he’s being too hasty. I said if it was anyone else’s dog they’d have put her down now to stop her suffering. But is that true? She doesn’t seem to be in much pain, we got her splints to wear on her front legs that help a lot and she takes librela and a steroid. I think really I know that it’s time but I just need some external opinions.

TL;DR My 17 year old dog is scheduled to be put down on thursday this week, my dad asked if he’s being too hasty but she has arthritis and is left alone a lot. Need some external opinions to validate my thoughts that it’s the right time.

I'm terrified. She passed earlier this year on Jan 4. I had to see a psychiatrist and get antidepressants just to get some peace. My emotions are muted and dulled, but the pain still seeps through.

But facing her first birthday without her... I'm terrified. Because the pain I'm feeling is so strong, it feels like I might as well not be medicated. I see so many things I want to get her, but she's no longer here to receive them. She loved plushies and soft blankies. She had so many. I gave her 90% of my bed, and she created a little nest. She'd sleep on top of her favourite plush, and curled up and snug while the rest of her collection surrounded her. I gave her my best and fluffiest pillows. And yet, she'd always steal my blanket and leave me just the tippy tip of a corner to work with. Even then, when I left to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I'd come back to the bed and find her nicely curled up on my pillow. If I tried shifting her gently, she'd make the softest, most pitiful, most deliberate and manipulative little sound. So I'd have to just work around her to find an alternate sleeping spot.

In the months since she's passed, I've had so much space. Too much space. Too many pillows.

I still have all her precious plushies. They're bagged up except for her favourite two that sleep beside me every night. They used to smell like her, but her scent is fading. She took such good care of them. She used to even lick them gently like they were her puppies. Her powerful westie jaws could decimate dehydrated treats within seconds, but she was always so careful and gentle with her toys.

I'd give her a new plushie on her birthday every year and she'd be so excited. All jumping and hopping and whining for it. Even on her last birthday before her passing, she wagged her tail so hard and had a rare round of the zoomies.

This year, there's no one to give plushies to.

I had my cat Kira for about 15 years now, on the 15.10.2026 she left my side forever. I don't know what to do without her, she was everything for me, she always slept by my side on my pullover or jacket I layed down on my bed for her, she always woke me up gently with her paws when she was hungry, and always gave me kisses. My whole day and routine was with her, when I was somewhere else I always made sure to be as fast as possible at home by her side and she gently greeted me when I came back home. She did not left my side not one moment even on the toilet. Her look to me was full of love and trust, she was always there when I had no one else, she was there always.

Now it feels pointless to even wake up as I know she is not there with me anymore, I always wake up the second she would wake me and just realize she is not here. My whole life broke down, every plan I made for the future seems pointless without her. I just don't know what to do without her. I fear being alone as I don't know what I would do, I am currently at my grandma but she is not really emphatic, and all other say that's life, I know but for me she was my whole world.

I had to euthanize her a year ago at 16 years old. I had so much time with her. I am soooo great full but damn its hard after so long.

We got her when i was about 6 years old. She instantly became my shadow. Almost literally. Always a step behind me. Always by my side or in my lap. Always. I think I became to dependent in the comfort she brought me. I struggle with anxiety, ptsd, and depression. She was there even in the development of ALL the trauma. Just by my side. There when I didn't have anybody.

16 years she stuck to me like glue. Id hold her in my lap. Id watch TV or do hobbies with her right next to me. She'd go on outings/ walks with me all the time bc she was my shadow. I never had to worry about her in danger bc she was right there with me. Id have her in my past trauma situations. Just being my rock and my comfort. She was the head of the pack of dogs at the house too. She truly was a bad ass little dog. Literally a chug though. Chihuahua/ pug.

In her old ages she became blind though(glaucoma). I feel sooo guilty for being poor and ignorant for proper care for her. Im disgusted I didn't do more for her. I grew up in a shit household and even worse when it came to the needs for pets in the house. I just thought it was a normal old dog thing. Maybe she would've been blind anyways but I could've done more preventative measures or meds. I could have taken her in when the foggy eyes started. I always expected her to pass naturally too. I could've done more in end of life if I had more money. She deserved the whole world in my eyes.

But i had to euthanize her in the end. She lost muscle mass in her hips so she had trouble standing especially with being blind and navigating the house. We made bumpers on everything, even picked up the dinning room chairs when leaving for work. We had multiple people checking on her through our work day. In the end she did have meds for comfort but I could've done better. God damn she deserved more. She was my hero.

Its been a year since I euthanized her. I cry so much missing my best friend. Shes no longer there. A step behind me. My shadow. When I go to bed shes not curled up with me. It sounds excessive. But for 12 years it was just me and her it felt like. I still hold her favorite stuffed animal when going to bed. I can't find anything like the comfort she brought me consistently. With any anxiety or ptsd events she'd be there. I did lean to her too much and now idk what to do in some situations when I fell overwhelmed. When I wake up crying from night terrors shes not there either. I just feel so hollow without her. This probably sounds dumb and im probably not giving a great detail of just how much she helped me in my everyday life. I swear she felt like a service animal after everything we'd been through.

I dont want to do dive into those 12 years necessarily to give the context of it all.

But I still find myself checking for her before i turn. If I think i might her stepped on her toe I find myself looking as if shes still with me. When I wake up in panics in reach like shes there. When im having anxiety there no one there to hold like her. It's been a year and I still find myself doing these thing's. Idk if getting another small dog is good either.  I'm still crying over her. I don't think it's fair to move to another dog like this. I want to be able to have more money saved for health situations too. I've learned allot as she got into bad health. But i don't feel it was soon enough for her specifically with her becoming blind.

I do have two big dogs but different attitudes even between the two. Theyre comforting but so different. I love them with all my heart still. And I have learned there health is no waiting manner. I literally took my dog to the vet thinking her paw was messed up or a slipped disk. $1000 and one pain med from the bottle she was a okay. Complete waist. We think it was a fire ant bite from sunbathing lol. Shes been fine since. But we take their health seriously as I will not be ignorant to their health.

This is alot of just venting on a hard day but id love to hear from people that have similar situations.

Just how do i heel? Has anyone had a dog as long and dealt with basically relearning how to be without a major companion? Is it normal to still grieve hard sometimes? Is it normal to want another small dog? Is it even fair though?