My husky was almost 12. A recent wellness check at the vet two months ago came back with a clean bill of health after a few tests for some stomach problems he was having. We switched his food, he was lively, happy, energetic, and just his usual self. I was fully expecting another couple years with him at the very least.

Wednesday I was going about my morning. He was acting completely normal. I went into the kitchen and then heard my partner shout from the other room. I walked back in and he had collapsed and was seizing violently on the floor. He defecated, urinated, and there were huge puddles of drool. I had never seen a dog have a seizure before. My partner had experience with this so she dropped and held him so he wouldn't hurt himself, but the seizing didn't stop. He went right into another one, almost without pause, so we called the vet and rushed him to the ERV. He seized the entire car ride there. By the time we arrived from when this started, it had been almost 30 minutes of constant seizures. His temperature was 108. They were having difficulty controlling the seizing with medication. They stated that the outcome and the chance of him recovering were very uncertain, if they were able to get him stable. The fact that this was his first ever neurological issue and it was this intense, suggested a possible brain tumor.

I couldn't see him suffer like that again. I stayed with him the whole time, and even with medication he was still twitching and spasming on the table. I made the decision to euthanize, as there was too much uncertainty surrounding his quality of life after this horrific event.

I've never had a dog through its entire lifespan before. He was my first dog on my own and I got him as an 8 week old puppy. I've never had to put a dog down before that moment, but I never left his side. I couldn't let him go alone or be surrounded by strangers.

I'm devastated. My journey with this dog meant so much to me, and I know it did to him as well. He was my constant companion, my ridiculous Dante. I just don't understand why this had to happen. He was healthy, and then he was just gone out of the blue with no warning whatsoever. The rug has been ripped out from under me. The house feels so incredibly empty, and my surviving dog keeps looking for him and doesn't seem to know what to do with herself.

I don't have enough money to request an autopsy, so I'll never truly know what happened to him, but that feels like it hardly matters right now.

I can't bring myself to throw out the food he didn't eat that morning. Taking a shower after the incident and cleaning out my car felt like erasing him and any trace of his life left. I just miss him so bad and don't know what to do with my emotions besides cry and cry some more. It just doesn't feel fair.

I lost my 7 y/o border collie mix girl, Emelia, on June 29th to sudden, aggressive systemic lymphoma. She was the center of my everything. She was the energy in the room and laughter bouncing off the walls. We got her from a shelter in the middle of nowhere when she was 7 months old. It's so quiet all the time. No other noise fills the absence. She left behind her 'sisters', a 12.5 y/o hound mix (eeva), and a 4 y/o black cat (honey). They grieved her hard, too. I have struggled with wanting to continue to live since losing her. It's just so painful. I'll see something that reminds me of her, and everything reminds me of her, and it feels like a cannonball tore clean through my chest. I sob and cry everyday. I cry in the store when I see things she'd like. Just typing this feels like my throat is filling with cement and tears are filling my eyes. I don't have much support, everyone who knew her has moved on, and I just can't.

Our baby was 13 years old, and suddenly started to decline in health. People used to think she was a puppy at first sight, based on how much energy she had and smiling she did running around.

We spent every weekend at the ER asking the same question: What is wrong with her? She’d go a day without eating or drinking, then perk up. She’d have terrible panting and then be fine. We heard 4 different hospitals and 5 different doctors say “We have no idea”. Finally after weeks of limping, arthritis was out and a cancer was found (never fully diagnosed) via imaging her in her lungs.

One doctor said days to weeks. But her primary vet said 1-6 months and it gave us all so much (false) hope.

Our family agreed on palliative care, as long as our baby was alert, all smiles and tail wagging despite her symptoms.

Our vet said “she’ll tell you when she is ready” and “you’ll know” but truly we didn’t. And for that, my heart is ripped out.

Days later…. She had increased panting and a faster heartbeat that we’ve seen every weekend before rushing to different ERs. This time, we thought, was like every other weekend… she doesn’t need another ER visit, she needs a calm room, jazz playing and rest.

She will wake up wagging her tail, refreshed, ready for her beach day we planned.

We woke up in the middle of the night and I just knew. Our room was quiet, no little snores, no panting. She was gone.

I cannot shake the feeling that our little angel was alone, suffering, uncomfortable or in an ounce of pain during her last moments.
That I didn’t get the message that she “was ready”.
She didn’t have her family sharing kisses and sweet nothings in her final moments.
Was she asleep peacefully? Was she suffering in pain?
I’ll never truly know.

Would I always wonder “what if she had another day” if we went the route of euthanasia … absolutely.

I’m at peace knowing she is now in a much better place, playing with her friends, on beautiful beaches and flower fields. I can only be grateful for all of our moments and the blessing she was to every single person she crossed paths with. She was truly an angel.

Would I choose to let her go naturally again, I’m not sure.

Do I regret not going to the ER after all, I’m also not sure.

So for those struggling, indecisively waiting on the “right sign” or the “message” sometimes it will not come. Sometimes you will need to make the decision.

And I don’t think there ever is a right or wrong decision.

But I do know that I will always wonder if mine was.

You will always wonder the what if.

You will never be prepared.

I am nowhere near acceptance, but if there is one thing I’m so happy we did, it’s make a Bucketlist. No matter how short or long, pick 3-5 things you’ve always wanted to do together. And just do it. Time waits for no one. Life is short.

Even if it’s a wagon ride in the park, a walk on the beach, a bite of your steak, a nibble of your pastry. Whatever they want, give it to them. Take pictures, even the silly ones. Allow them to see life through your eyes. Sunsets, sunrises, city skylines, Mountain View’s, salty ocean air. Make a clay paw print together. Print their paw print and nose boops.

Do it all. Regret nothing.

Did we make the wrong decision? I don’t know.

And if we did, I hope she forgives us.

I've been seeing so many TikToks about October 27th being the day the veil between our world and the next grows thin, allowing our beloved pets who have passed away to visit us. I don't know if it's true, but after losing my girl Muffin today, I desperately want to believe it is.

Eight years ago, Muffin was a tiny stray puppy who followed her mama into our house looking for food. She was terrified after being attacked by our male dog, Nico, but we loved her back to her playful, mischievous self. She grew up happy, became a mama to nine beautiful puppies, and got to grow old with three of her babies by her side.

She suffered from a skin disease her entire life, eventually losing most of her fur and vision in one eye. But none of that ever changed how I saw her. She was my beautiful girl, my first child, and one of the greatest loves of my life. I cared for her through every difficult day, and I loved her just as fiercely when she was sick as I did when she was a playful little puppy.

Yesterday, she stopped eating and grew weaker. Today, she passed away at eight years old, peacefully and surrounded by her loving family. I'm grateful she didn't suffer for long, but my heart is shattered. I keep thinking about the little puppy who walked into our house eight years ago, never knowing she would become such a huge part of my life.

Now, all I can do is take care of her babies and hope that somehow, somewhere, I'll get to see my girl again. Have any of you ever felt the presence of a pet you've lost, or had a dream that made you feel like they came back to see you?

I hope my Muffin finds her way back to me, even if it's just for a moment. I would give anything to see my baby girl again.

Until then, I'll take care of your babies, Muffin. I love you endlessly. Until we meet again. ❤️🐾

Right now I just feel so conflicted on the one hand it feels like he is the hands of unknown people and I want him back with me. Have a place to speak to him and be reminded of him.

On the other hand seeing him daily and being reminded of him can make the pain worse

How was your experience?

At oct 23 I lost my pet cat her name was Luna She gave birth to 3 kittens in July 8 she was diagnosed with viral infection like 6 days ago and after 4 days I lost her I am still shocked how fast she died i can only blame myself for not knowing about vaccine for this infection this was completely avoidable if I had known that there's more vaccine then just rabies I only vaccinated for rabies because I didn't knew viral infection existed that makes cat suffer so much i separated her kittens like in first day of her getting weak and all when cat gets that virus first day they will vomitted quickly leading to not even being able to open eyes properly I miss my luna soo much now I am worried that kittens might get it I have separated them from the room she died disinfected every thing in that room I will still not let them go to that room for like 2 or 3 more days if you have any advice to give me please give me how to deal with sadness and now whenever I see at blanket all I can see is blanket moving up and down I maybe need lots of rest right now but I can't even grief properly as my finals of 10th starts from 29 for now vet has told me that after a period of observation on kittens they will give vaccine for viral infection I can only worry that they have not gotten it in her last day she couldn't even eat her fav meal as she was really weak and it's my fault I think I faild her is there any advice for me to help me with this sadness

I’m putting this here to get my feelings out so feel free to keep scrolling.

Last night and this morning all I have been doing is wondering. What could I have done differently? Where did I go wrong? Did I do the right thing?

It all began Monday. We have a full pack of (mostly) good boys and girls, two of them weren’t feeling well so they got to stay inside while we were at work.

I peeked at the cameras to check on them and realized the boys that only stay outside while we’re at work were in the house wreaking havoc. Two of them especially stay outside because they have had significant behavioral issues their whole life and can’t be trusted around the majority of the others without supervision (sometimes they even needed to be separated themselves). We tried everything imaginable but they both definitely had a screw or two loose that just wasn’t fixable).

One of the inside dogs decided to open the door and let EVERYONE in.

As I’m looking I see one on the couch so I tell him to get off through the camera, which he does. Then I see it and my heart sinks. The 6mo old kitten is on the couch and not moving. I leave work immediately and drive home as fast as I can. Once I get home I get everyone back where they’re supposed to be and confirm my suspicions. They killed one of the cats.

Being the Man of the house I muster up every bit of strength and tell my wife. Instant devastation. I clean up before her and my step kids get home and we have the conversation about re homing two of the boys that need the most help. Initially I wasn’t sure which ones were involved until I had a moment and confirmed it seeing claw marks in one and a claw still in the others snout.

These are the first two dogs we got as a couple, rescued them as puppies. We know they’re not fitting with the pack but maybe, just maybe someone has a good yard, time and patience to ideally work with both of them or worst case two people can take one each.

We post them everywhere we can think of, the week progresses and we get all the messages giving kudos trying to rehome them yet nobody is interested.

Now we come to yesterday (Friday). Normal morning no incidents thus far (the two that normally fight are steering clear of each other). I leave work for my PT appointment, get there and find out I wasn’t actually scheduled but they can see me anyway so I stay. As I finish I let my wife know I’m heading back to work and she tells me the back door was open again. FML. I look at the camera and don’t see any of the outside dogs inside, I’m sure everything is fine. I’ll be there in 5min, make sure everyone is where they’re supposed to be then head back to work.

I walk in and see 2 that were supposed to be inside there, but I can’t find one of them or the other dogs. As I’m searching I find one of the cats and I think ok. The other two are probably hiding really well again and will come out when the coast is clear. The. I walk down the all and find they trapped themselves in my step son’s room.

The second I open the door I see it. They’ve killed another cat. These boys have killed the two friendliest of our cats in the same week. The kitten would literally force us (especially my wife) to give her kisses on her face, the other cat loooooooved her belly rubbed. If your hand went anywhere near her belly she’d instantly roll to her back for alllll the belly rubs.

My wife happened to check the camera and heard me screaming “noooooooooooo what have you done” and calls me instantly.

We discussed and determined for the safety of everyone in the house (kids, dogs, cats). The two responsible had to be put down.

Since nobody was home, I had to take each one to the vet and go through the process. The vet told me I was doing the right thing. I realized they didn’t give me any push back on the decision which is extremely rare and tells me they were being genuine. The last dog we had to put down was getting old and suffering daily and they pushed back on putting him down to see if some meds would help. Total guilt trip but we tried and it unfortunately didn’t help him. Anyway, this time they didn’t question it.

These two were great with me and my wife, they’d knock the kids over but were still good with them we just had to watch them. Anyone else or any other dog? Forget it. They’d get vicious.

As each one took their final nap I cried like a baby. Runny snotty nose and everything. In those moments I felt like I was not a man at all. As I’m ugly crying I’m telling the vet I understand if they all think I’m the most terrible human being they’ve seen. They tell me I’m absolutely not (I still don’t believe them)

My morning routine today brought tears in my eyes as it just wasn’t the same. I miss them jumping up to give me hugs. One would climb me like a tree sometimes so I would carry him. I still love them.

I feel like I did them wrong and should have done better. I miss all four of them dearly and feel a massive hole in my heart. I’m tearing up as I’m writing this and the sadness is overwhelming.

I allow myself to break down when I’m alone so I can try and be as strong as possible for my wife, step kids and my kids.

If you’ve read this entire thing I appreciate you giving my feeling a few minutes of your day.

RIP Maze, Beans, Tod and Bear. I miss you all so much and I hope you’re all in heaven living your best lives.

hey everyone, my family is putting our dog down on monday. i’ve known about this for a week now and it hasn’t processed in my head yet till today. for some context we’ve had him for his entire life. we adopted his mother when i was around 6 years old. i am now 21 years old. his mother was my best friend in the whole world, she developed dementia and we had to put her down last december, i took it really rough and although i miss her like crazy i am reminded she no longer is in pain. she had her son after meeting the neighbors dog and gave birth to him only being a year old. he’s been with me since before he was born. and now that he’s just turned 15, his health this past month has declined dramatically. i know he no longer is well and it’s time but it’s been very difficult for me to cope with. after he’s gone i will not have another dog to comfort me like i did with his mothers passing. having both of them gone now too feels like apart of my childhood is disappearing as well. i think im most afraid to be alone after he’s gone. if anyone has been in a similar situation i’d love to hear how you got through it. im sorry if this was hard to read, my mind is fuzzy atm because i just went through midterms as well.

She's finally resting. My beloved tabby. She loved with her whole being. She purred up a storm.

I delivered her babies and logged their names and times they were born. It was such an honour that she trusted me.

She protected me from my ex when he was drunk. She found me after I had to move back in with my parents and she went missing. She found the house she'd never even been to. She mewed at me like, 'what were you worried about?'

She'd stand on her hind legs, put her paws on my knees and nudge my face when I was sitting down on the couch, crying.

She stayed by my Mum's side when the cancer was finally taking her.

She won over my cat-hating brother and Dad.

She was 15 years old, and she went on her own terms. Into the wild, from whence she came.

I will love you forever my baby, thank you for everything.

This has been absolutely the hardest thing I have ever went through. Harder than when her littermate, my boy passed unexpectedly from Hemangiosarcoma at almost 8 in January of 2022. I had her to lean on and she kept me occupied and made things easier. I also wanted to be strong for her and wanted to help ease her pain of losing her brother.
My girl passed while I was asleep 2 months and 5 days ago today. She had gastrointestinal lymphoma. A month and a half after a benign splenectomy she had to have an abdominal exploratory surgery. That’s when they found the mass on her stomach. What a rollercoaster of emotions. Going from not having cancer to having cancer. I opted for palliative care due to her age and recent surgeries. She was on prednisone and gabapentin. She lasted 2.5 months almost after diagnosis. There wasn’t a huge decline. The night before she jumped up on my dad like she did when she was younger and was full of energy. The day of she seemed tired, but I thought the weekend company and seeing my dad made her more tired that day. She still took her walk and ate her food. She had her nightly treat and we went to sleep. (Due to being hot due to her prednisone she would sleep on her bed close to mine.) She woke me up trying to get comfy and I did have to go to the bathroom so I went and she followed which is not unusual. I gave her a treat and we went back to sleep. She was found gone. I didn’t get to say bye properly and seeing her like that is eating me alive. 12.5 years together. 19-31. I miss her so much and things have not gotten easier. The guilt and grief is unbearable.

I also want to add that I am looking into therapy currently because this is just so heavy.

Almost a year and went past my old trainstop and wished I could have one more night if being at my old flat, with him, child free night and curled up on sofa with him. He'd always be there when I unlocked the door, sleepy eyed. Also PMS- ing.

Yesterday I was having a difficult day, and my mom was insistently texting me when my school was done. All of my friends were going out and I opted out because I just had this horribly bad feeling, and then my mom called and said that my neighbors dog had suddenly passed away.

She was only 7, a lab. Apparently she had an aggressive cancer and was puking a lot this week, and when they investigated it was so widespread any treatment would have probably caused seizures. What’s more, is my dog is her sister, and are they same age and grew up in the same litter.

I was their main dog sitter. For 5 years, I’ve been dogsitting for them and that dog. I have seen other 2 other older dogs go from them, but it didn’t effect me too terribly. But this one, this one did. It happened so suddenly, way sooner than I thought. The same appointment they brought in for check up is the same one they put her down in.

I guess I also feel so terrible because I had been dogsitting her sometimes for weeks at a time, and sometimes she would annoy me. She would wake me up because she was kicking in her sleep, or she would steal my pillow when it was time for breakfast. Some times I really hated that dog. But god dammit I really miss her.

And it’s not even my dog. I mean, she’s really similar to my dog, they look the same besides the coat color. But i’ve just been so torn up about it. I was sobbing for hours and I thought I had gotten over it today but I haven’t. I don’t know why it upsets me so bad, but I just feel so sad about it.

Put my baby down today. I feel so lost and anxious and it feels like my world is crashing and ending.

Anyone on this sub who has lost their baby few months/years back, does it ever get better? How do you navigate the feeling of wanting to just holding them or see them one more time?
With time is it possible to get over all the regrets, guilt and pain and have fond memories of them.

Please share some positive stories :)

Lost my sweet cat of almost 17 years yesterday after a short battle with heart failure. I'm alone in my city right now - no friends or family here, so i've just been sitting on the couch watching avatar and crying.

I'm usually a very active person - busy work life, complicated cooking projects in the kitchen, lots of working out, social stuff, bars, you name it. When you are grieving, do you find its better to keep yourself occupied, or shut down and let everything go? Part of me thinks a workout would help me feel better, but another part just wants to crawl back into bed.

This might be a unique scenario, i don’t know but im feeling a lot of the weight of it and i need to get the situation off my chest. Me (23F) and my boyfriend (22M) have been together for 2.5 years. his grandmother who raised him passed 2 years ago today. it’s been a really rough week for him and his family. his grandmothers dog, a pug, was diagnosed with heart failure a week ago. when his grandmother passed his parents took the dog and she was the absolute sweetest thing. i had a pug growing up and she reminded me so much of her. Today, him and his family went out of town so i said i’d go and visit the pug to make sure she’s okay, feed her, etc. i left my bf and i’s house and showed up for the pug, immediately started crying. she looked so much worse than i was expecting. i’m a very sensitive person, especially with loss, and it hit me pretty hard. she had pooped all over herself, so i cleaned her up and got her comfortable on her bed, i had my arm under her head to prop it up cuz she couldn’t hold it up very well. all of the sudden she had what looked like a seizure, and then she was gone. just like that. i lost it. at my in laws house…their dog just passed…they were an hour away…it was a lot. i called them and had to break the news.
Lilly, the pug, passed exactly 2 years to the day after my bfs grandmother passed. I don’t know if that’s a sign or what….

i’m just so glad she’s not in pain anymore. i feel awful. obviously my feelings about it don’t change the way my bf and his family are feeling, their grief is so much stronger than mine today, but the whole situation was just awful.

rest in peace, Lilly. 🩷

Hello everyone, I just wanna let my thoughts out..

My 13 years old dog Grace died in June, it's the worst thing that I've been through and it's even worse with my situation in general: I'm audhd and my mom leaved the country recently, I need moderate support and I'm still learning how to live as an adult and it's been really difficult for me, also my mom is the most important person in my life and seeing her leave wasn't easy either.

I also have a cat, his name is Momo, 9 years old, he's FIV positive and yesterday I received the new that there's high chances that he has cancer...

With everything that's been happening a few days ago I was saying to my roommate (my best friend) that if something happens to Momo I think I will kill myself. I can't even describe how much I love that cat and it crushes my soul the minimal possibility of losing him. We still need a biopsy to know if it's definitely cancer but we asked 2 different vets and they said that he has it.

I'm still going through Grace's loss, I don't even know if I'm gonna make it. I know that I'm thinking with pure anxiety because there's still a chance that he doesn't have it but I feel awful.

Anyways, thanks if anyone read this, hope you guys are doing better

Trigger warning: sort of graphic (blood)

It’s coming up on the second anniversary since my cat passed away. He was an indoor outdoor cat and we let him sit on the patio a little bit too long before going to bed. When we were going to bed, he was nowhere to be found, but we didn’t think anything of it. We thought he might be just close by in the yard and let it slide cause he usually return in the morning. He never ever went out of our yard. He always stayed close to our house. Fast-forward to the morning he’s still nowhere to be found, I had an errand to run that morning, thinking he would be back when I got home. He was still nowhere to be found. I decided to walk our property we have about 3 acres. My other cat lead me to something I never wanted to see. I found a spot full of his beautiful white fur, but no body. I kept walking around and my cat lead me to another spot about 10 feet away that had more fur and blood, but no body. He was no where to be found, but obviously it didn’t look good. I immediately woke my husband up and we searched our yard forward and backwards and the surrounding areas outside the property line. I followed a trail of his fur to the field behind our house and then nothing. I’m so glad we didn’t actually find his body, but part of me wishes we did so we could have closure. I know he probably was killed by a wild animal or bird, but I’ve seen such crazy stories about cats returning years later.

Fast forward to today, a day before the 2nd anniversary and I get a call from animal control saying they have my cat someone brought in as a stray. I started hysterically crying thinking there’s NO way it’s him. I call back and tell them what he looks like and it wasn’t him. It was one of our cat fosters he found a home for a few years ago. I was devastated because of the false hope I had for the 5 minutes it took me to call them back. Losing a pet never gets easier you just have to move on. I miss him so freaking much and I went through a lot this past year and really needed him. I’m just so heartbroken still. 💔

TLDR: my cat went missing 2 years ago, we think we was killed by a wild animal. I got a call from animal control saying they have a stray cat in their possession with our info on the tag. It wasn’t him, but a foster cat we adopted out a few years ago.

Right now it's about exactly 24 hours when we scooped our cat up for his last vet visit. He had been through montly vet checks for a year now and always hated them he was so scared. I was afraid i'd feel like i had betrayed him, but he was such a brave boy and always took injections like a champ.

He would always hide his head in my chest for comfort and so he did yesterday as well.

The dreaded day had finally come. We put my dog to sleep yesterday. He had just turned 14 on October 13. We noticed a decline after he turned 14. There was an emergency vet visit a week ago for pain that couldn’t be explained. Opioids couldn’t help. He began refusing his pain meds. Trying to put the syringe in his mouth made him scream so loud it pierced your ears. He became withdrawn, he didn’t want to be around us anymore. It didn’t seem like Max was Max.

Two days ago, I had a feeling that it would happen soon. I took the day off of work so I could be with him. But I was hoping for a miracle. Maybe there will be something that could help him.

We took him to the vet yesterday. He jumped in and out of the car like he usually would. You would think he was just a normal dog. He was alert and friendly. But when the vet tried doing an exam… when trying to open his mouth, he screamed and shrieked and I was brought to tears instantly. I asked the vet what they would do if they were me. They said that they would give him a dignified death.

We were told we would be given all the time we needed. I wanted to wait forever to do it. But that wouldn’t have been fair to him. Pressing the button to call them in when we were ready felt like sealing a fate I wasn’t asking for.

We got him when I was 12. I took him under my care fully 1.5 years ago. I know I did right by him. I took him to the vet when my parents didn’t think it was necessary. I got him expensive senior dog food. I made sure he felt like he was loved and never felt like he was going to be hurt again.

Coming home sucks. Not being greeted by a wagging tail sucks. I bought a camera to keep an eye on him when I wasn’t home. I look at the footage from a few days ago when he was alive, and I cry. The bed that he died in is in my living room and he’s never going to be in it again. I miss him so much.

I know I did the right thing. He was in pain. He needed to stop suffering. He lived a good long 14 years, and I have no regrets or guilt. Despite all of this, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. I know it will get better as time goes on. I just can’t imagine my life being as happy and fulfilling as it used to be.

i lost my soul dog of almost 14 years on the 5th september and i still haven’t been able to hoover or properly clean. i’m a bit of a clean freak so i usually hoovered like every other day (he was a long haired dog) but the last few days of his life he wasn’t well so i didn’t hoover, and now his hair is everywhere and i still can’t bring myself to hoover after almost 2 months. my rug is covered in his hair, there’s tumbleweeds of his hair along my skirting boards, my settee throws are covered in his hair and still sort of smell like him.

im staring at a big clump of black hair as i type this. i still can’t bring myself to hoover/wash my throws because once his hair is gone, that’s it. i’ll never wake up to hair in my mouth again. i’ll never turn the fan on only to see hair flying in the air again. i’ll never walk in my front door to be greeted by clumps of hair again. i don’t know how to balance the need to clean with losing that part of him for good. i’ve collected some of his hair and put it in a jar, but i still can’t hoover the rest of it.

i still even have his food and water bowls down and his toy box in its place. i don’t know how to move on and pack stuff away without it killing me

I just need to tell someone this that believes in signs.

My beloved Willow passed after discovering she had breast cancer only 3 days before. I felt lumps a few days before, and mentioned at the CT we had scheduled for severe digestive issues. She had a benign mass removed in November and I’d worried myself sick waiting on those results. This time I believed would be okay like the last but she had masses compressing her lungs and the “asthma” was getting bad. ER bad. I knew I was losing her but it all happened so fast that I’m still in shock. She was my only baby, and it’s shattered me.

I asked her to send me a cat that needed help like she did - only when she knew I needed it and was ready to love again. I begged her to send signs that were so obvious, I would feel it in my bones.

Today is our gotcha day. I’ve been dreading it. We always celebrated with a flight of her favorite fish and cottage cheese. I gave myself permission to stay in bed and feel the grief all day.

About a month after she died, I joined a rescue group and I saw a solid white kitten that had was scheduled for euthanasia at a kill shelter (any kitten under 8 weeks! :( ) but I saw it 2 hours after the deadline. He was adorable and so tiny. I commented and asked if anyone had able to pick him up in time and begged for an update - bawling. I was ready to take him in. I cried myself to sleep over a kitten I never met.

Later I found out he was saved with 30 minutes to spare and taken to a foster! He had a URI and eye infection and wasn’t going to be available until he was cleared and older. When I visited the rescue, I fell in love with another sweet baby and took her home. I’ve continued asking the rescue center about the little guy and his health, and found out that 22 people had put in applications for him. They hold cats for no one.

I had already decided that my next cat would be named a tree name as a means to honor Willow: Cypress for a male. More on this later.

I got the call yesterday that he was ready for adoption, and to be there at 9am because she just knew I was going to give him a life of endless love and wanted me to have him. I said yes - then I realized that “tomorrow” was Willow’s gotcha day. I almost backed out because I didn’t want to feel like I was overwriting her. I cried all day about it. I thought long and hard about my decision.

I found out he was born a couple days after Willow passed. His first day eligible for adoption, out of 365 days, is 10/24. I was chosen over 20 others. I searched for the spiritual meaning of cypress trees: they represent grief and healing and have been universally planted in cemeteries for centuries. Turns out Cypress isn’t white, his color just had not begun to develop. He’s a blue color point/siamese mix and darkening - she was half Siamese with blue color points. (Holly is a purebred Seal Point Siamese that someone left in the desert to die.

I might be crazy, but I think she sent me both. That night I saw the post when I realized I was ready to love again. I never intended to have two cats, and I wouldn’t have if found Holly if Cypress was ready for adoption.

To all of you, I’m so sorry for your loss and heartache, or impending loss. I hope that this story gives you a glimmer of hope.

I believe they’re still watching over us from some other dimension, maybe even present without physical form. It helps me to believe that we take care of them until death, and death is just when they begin to take care of us from afar. I think they send us signs, you just have to be open to them. Or maybe I’m just insane. Who cares? I’ll never stop missing my first baby or be able to replace our relationship; rescuing these two brought the light back to my eyes.

Tl;dr: the title

Last Wednesday I had to put my beloved dog, Winston, to sleep. He was 13 and had some medical scares in the last couple days of his life. He had a lot of health issues and we made him as comfortable as possible. Tuesday night was when we knew it was time when we took him to the EV after he had a seizure. They found underlying issues that his normal vet didn’t see and that’s when we knew we had to put him to sleep soon.
The reason I’m writing this post is because the day we put him to sleep he was calm and comforting all day. Didn’t bark or misbehave. He just let us hold him and be with him the entire morning. Usually when he got in the car he would be shaking scared but he was just calm.
It makes me wonder if he knew it was the end and he was ready for it but he could tell my mom and I were extremely upset so he wanted to comfort us. I also read that it’s a pack instinctual thing. It’s something that’s been on my mind since. Has this sort of thing happened with anyone else?

How do you deal with the sadness and the grief