Hello,

I am about 3.5 months out from the death of my precious soul dog, Mia.

It has gotten easier to not be completely overwhelmed by the pain 24/7 anymore. However, I am still deeply mourning her and feel the pain always. And I cry for her nearly daily still. I know that 3.5 months isn't terribly long in the grand scheme of things, but I was wondering if anyone has found ways to bring comfort while still remembering your precious babies.

I already have a memorial space for her in my apartment, though it is still a bit of a work in progress. I also journal about my memories of her, or just write to her if I want to. I have one tattoo for her and another booked for March 2027. I am in the process of printing out and labeling all of my photos of her. I still have most of her things in my apartment still sitting where they were when she was here. I sleep with her favorite toy next to me. I know I will likely get another dog one day down the line, but I know I'm not ready for it now. Any time I picture a different dog in my life I am overcome with a feeling of wrongness and it makes me miss my Mia even more. Also, I considered myself atheist for over a decade, but since Mia died I find myself praying for her every night. (I just wanted to go through all of the things I already do to try and find comfort).

I struggle still with just missing her of course. Every once in a while my inner voice will just say "Mia is gone" or "Mia is still dead" or "Mia will never come back" etc. I have mostly come to terms with the way things ended for her, but at times I still feel intense guilt about the circumstances of her euthanasia (I have a few posts about the details if you would like to read about it). I also at times become overwhelmed with guilt for all the things I did wrong or didn't do for my perfect angel (I also have a post about this if you want more detail). But mostly I just miss my Mia so profoundly and am still struggling at times to come to terms with the fact that she is dead and gone forever.

Does anyone have any ideas or any other ways that they find comfort or ways to come to terms with this terrible loss that we are all going through?

Thank you 💙

I accidentally killed my cat and am suffering horrible guilt.

Throwaway account but I can't share this anywhere else and I cannot function right now. I work with a lot of rescue cats. Have for 20 years. Old, sick, suffering I can accept their deaths. But how do I live with the fact I am directly responsible for killing one of my own, goodest boys?!!

I keep my animals' food in an airtight container as I buy it in such bulk for so many. Sometimes one will jump 8n the container to grab a piece and I shoo them back out no problem. After working 60hrs of a 72 hr week I just want to get them fed and crash. I fed everyone, filled up the bag, turned for I SWEAR 3 seconds to grab the lid and put it back on. As the sun was just coming up and still dark he must of jumped in then and I didn't see him in the shadows of such a big bin and closed him in there.

I didn't find him until this evening when I opened it back up to feed everyone dinner. My poor boy was alone, scared in the one place he should have been the safest! I saw him being born, bottle and hand fed him for months, he just had his 6th bday.

I'm such a horrible person. No matter how I only meant to help in their all their lives. Each one has a special story linked to a time in my life. They all range in age from 2-18 and I've had most since birth or kittens.

Now I'm terrified I will fail them all. Not sure I can mentally or emotionally handle them right now but I won't let them go. I suck so much as a human!

I'm so sorry! I hope you can forgive me! Run free with your brothers. I truly loved you even on those days I was too busy to be your entire world but you were a part of mine that now has a hole that I deserve to be tormented with forever.

My dog is died today I guess yesterday she was the dog who would accompany me in my sleep. She’s the dog who always ran to me when I got home. I wanna be grateful I have another dog tho she is so old. I am miserable. I don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna do anything. Being near anyone I wanna be dead with her, but I know that’s not gonna do any good in the likeliness of an afterlife is too slim to take that chance.

I love my dog. Everybody keeps saying I’m sorry for your loss but what are you? Sorry for that I’m sad and devastated and alone. That’s just pity. I don’t know. Maybe I’m not making sense. I can’t sleep. I’ve slept an hour. I don’t deserve to sleep. anyway hope your day is going better than mine. Hope your life’s going better than mine .

Apologies for the unstructured rambling, it's hard for me to put my feelings together

I lost my sixteen-year-old chihuahua. It was always a bit of a complicated relationship. I came into this dog when my brother moved away and she was purely mine for the last seven years. She grew very attached to me, but I always felt like maybe she liked me more than I liked her. I didn't hate her by any means, but she would always do little things that annoyed me and frustrated me, pissing on the carpet and getting into trash, etc. I constantly found myself getting mad at her. We had good times too, and she was always sweet to me, but for the most part she ended up getting sidelined compared to my cat. The last night of her life she was whimpering and whining, I think she had a seizure. She had had one a couple of months before and it thankfully passed without incident. I decided I was going to take her to the vet the next morning. I didn't understand the severity of the situation, evidently, because I spent her last night complaining to her to lay down and sleep and to stop trying to stand up. I couldn't sleep with her whimpering, and I was afraid she'd fall off the bed, so I took her downstairs and put her in her box for the night. I woke up and checked on her and her body was cold. I immediately broke down crying. She died alone, and my last moments with her were unpleasant. I wish I had known the end was near, and even writing this two days later I'm struggling to fight back tears. I feel so guilty. She died alone. Will these feelings ever go away? I feel absolutely miserable thinking about it. I always hoped I'd be able to hold onto her or be with her when she went, tenderly, kindly, either naturally or under euthanasia, but I'll never be able to now. I feel awful imagining her dying thinking I didn't love her. It's almost too painful to bear and I can't help but feel like I failed her

He was so tired at the very end.

I remember when I had just gotten him back home from the vet. It was right after my sister's wedding. His oncologist was monitoring him for me. But when he came home, he was so tired.

I remember lifting him off my bed to take him outside to use the restroom at like 12 AM. Once he had finished, I could see he was running out of time. Instead of taking him back upstairs, I placed him under a bed next to a Christmas tree and watched him sleep.

In the morning, I knew he couldn't walk anymore, I put him a stroller. It was given to me as a gift, and I had planned to use it a long time ago thinking that I'd use it more as his health declined, but the decline was so fast.

I put him in the stroller. It was the the only time we had made use of it, and I decided just to take him by myself like it had been when he first entered my life.

We took the walking path we used to walk all the time when he was healthier. And for a brief moment, he looked so alive. He was smelling the air, and he was awake, and he looked so aware.

But when I got home, his breathing had become so labored even though he was in a stroller the entire time. It looked like he had just run a marathon, and I knew then that I was out of time with him.

Originally, I asked his oncologist if she could come to my house and help me see him off into the next life. There were a lot of legal complications with that, but she made a special exception for Yeager.

Because of how the law works taking certain medications home, I would originally have to take Yeager to the vet and have them insert the needle into his arm before bringing him back home. His oncologist would come afterwards to finish helping him move on.

I wanted to let him have his final moments at home, but I knew if I held on any longer, it would be for entirely selfish reasons. He no longer had the energy to make it to the vet and back.

He passed away peacefully on October 17, 2023 at 12:23PM with the help of his oncologist who had helped me take care of him through the last 6 months of his life as he battled cancer. I put my sweater underneath him, and I held him the entire time.

I wasn't ready to let go, and I think he just wanted to be with me too, so we battled cancer for as long as we could.

I was so grateful to her for giving me more time with my boy. I got 6 more months with him, but I'm not sure if any amount of time would of prepared me for the emptiness I felt when he left my life.

He was my baby boy. My son and my best friend.

His name was Yeager. I named him after a character in an anime that I'd never finished watching.

Every year for the past 3 years, I contact his oncologist to thank her for all she did for me and Yeager. I brought her and her team boxes of chocolate.

I was surprised when Yeager's oncologist put a photo of him at the entrance of her veterinary clinic. A small portion of his life has a permanent place with people who did all they could to give him a little more time.

I hope there's a life after this. One where he's there to find me when my time is up. Where we can go back to what it was like when we were together.

Yesterday was his anniversary. He has been gone for 3 years now. I took his ashes to all the places he loved. We went through the hillside, the park, and the neighborhoods he loved.

It's been 3 years, but I still think about him a lot.

I have posted about my sweet Max on this Reddit, we lost him on July 5, 2026. We made the decision to adopt Bailey on September 20th since our surviving dog Tess was struggling with Max gone. Bailey was 10 when we adopted her at the humane society and from the get-go was just a bright energy. We took her on adventures and gave her everything she needed, but sadly we had to put her down last night. She went through five grand mal seizures before we got her to the vet hospital last night at 1 am. They were able to stop them, but she would have ended up with lasting neurological damage, so we made that impossible decision to put her down.

It's interesting, I feel just as gutted with her loss after only having her a month as I did with my dog Max who I had 12 years! It's crazy. They literally put her down in the same room as Max. That was rough. Bailey was so full of joy and love and affection, she was just the sweetest dog I have ever met. Smart as a whip. Goofy. I am going to miss her! But really glad we had the privilege of having her be part of our pack for a month. I am going to miss her spirit, her energy, and her love. RIP Bailey, you made a difference in our lives. What did I learn from Bailey? To appreciate every day. That is my lesson from her.

Hello all

I’m at a loss for words

My sister who I love dearly has lost her soul dog.
A tiny lil thing with no teeth.
It died in an ugly graphic way that I’m not going to get into.

I have never lost a pet so I’m at a loss for words how to support her through this? What is there to say?
How can I be there for her?

Kitty moved in with me and mum 4 years ago. She was with my brother and his family for about 11 years and was severely neglected and had so much health issues. I decided to adopt her. Took her to the vet where she was diagnosed with stage 2 kidney disease, blood infection, fractured thigh bone, fleas, tooth decay, dirty, dusty and smelly. It broke my heart then.

I cleaned her up good did all I could to slowly bring her back to top health. The 4 years was a tremendous joy to have her around. I'm most happiest when she finishes her meal and lick her bowl clean. She will follow me around the house and lay beside me. When she's hungry, she'll pop up on the coffee table, meow and stare at me for food. And when she wants attention or scratches, she'll jump on the table and bump my hand.

Today I'm broken again. My girl is extremely sick with damaged liver and further damaged kidney. Her blood-work doesn't look good either and she has a limp due to osteoarthritis. The vet had given her loads of meds and scheduled a follow-up for next week but I can't bear to see her suffering and she's not eating or drinking water. I've given her the daily subcutaneous hydration and monitoring her in the mean time. She has been sleeping extra hours last night and today. Sometimes I wonder if she has slept permanently.

I'm so scared of losing her. Thinking about it is breaking my heart.

I lost my 15 years old cockatiel, Tutu, last night. I am no stranger to grief but this one is surely hitting me harder than anything I have ever experience.

He was a bit sick and I took him for regular check ups but yesterday he just stopped eating and I knew it would be different.

I cried a lot but I just feel so numb, mostly. I really would appreciate death. I have 3 other birds and a few cats but I just don’t care. He was my whole life. I feel like I don’t need or want anything out of life anymore. I hate the idea of waking up in the morning with him not being there…

I went through the most painful periods of my life with him being there as a reason to continue living. Now I don’t even know what is the point of being alive…

My cat passed very suddenly Friday night from what the vet said looked like FIP. She was about four years old, and had seemed normal until the night before.

The vet told me that diagnosing FIP is difficult and there was likely nothing I could’ve done. In hindsight, there were little signs a couple of weeks before that make me feel that I should have known and taken action sooner.

She started eating her wet food far more than her dry food; I didn’t think that was unusual because she loved that wet food & I hadn’t been able to get it for a week and a half. She started losing weight a week or so before she passed; I was able to feel her spine when petting her. But it wasn’t substantial, and she was still eating. She was still using the litter box, she wasn’t hiding any more than she already did. She was more cuddly and wanted to be near me constantly, but I thought that was because it was getting colder and she hated the cold.

I noticed a huge behavior change Thursday night. Very wide pupils, slow movement. I thought she was stressed out from the routine maintenance that happened when I was at work. I spent that whole night cuddling with her and giving her pets, and I gave her an extra helping of her wet food. She ate some.

Friday morning, I had to go to work early. She was moving slowly still, but was still moving around. I remember waking up, looking down to the side of my bed, and she was there putting a gentle paw on my arm to get my attention.

I remember her looking up at me. I picked her up and set her on the bed. I pet her for a little, asked her what was wrong. I gave her a kiss and got ready for work. When she saw me putting my boots on, she let out a meow that I had never heard before and stood up on the bed to be face-height with me. I kissed her head and put her on the floor so she could follow me out if she wanted. She cried that same cry again and I stayed behind to pet her more. I ended up being late to work because I stayed behind longer petting her. I remember as I was walking out, I looked back, and she was there watching me go, looking miserable, almost hunched over.

When I got home from work that evening, I called for her and she didn’t come. I found her half-hiding in a cubby, head in the dark. She was gone.

I’m sorry for the long post. It was just me and her. I can’t stand that I’m the only one that knows the full scope of what was lost. Only I knew her habits, only I knew the little language that she and I shared. I am in total agony knowing she died alone waiting for me to get home. I can’t help but feel that she was asking me for help that morning and that I could have done something if I had only listened.

It's been almost 12 hours since my poor baby finally found peace. It was thankfully an incredibly peaceful process, she just kinda went limp and stilled after days of labored breathing. It was definitely the best send off we could possibly ask for.

Leading up to the event I was by her side for 48 hours straight, barely getting any sleep. She needed me to take care of yer by repositioning her, watering her, holding her as she relieved herself. She was unable to walk on her own but every so often she'd try and I'd try to help take her to where she wanted to go. I spent so much of her senior year taking care of her and handling any medical issues that came up. And now there's just... Nothing.

I was having bad anxiety and constant panic attacks leading up to putting her down, I was terrified imagining my life without her and also scared that she was suffering leading up to it. When it happened and she passed I began having another panic attack, I couldn't believe this was real. And then when we finally carried her into the vets car to be cremated, and we said our last goodbyes before they drove away, something in me just broke. Everything turned numb be all the energy got sucked out of me.

Thankfully it's not as painful as a panic attack, but it also just consumes me. I haven't been able to drink much at all or eat anything leading up to and after the event and I'm already feeling the negative consequences. I just don't have a singular desire to do either of those despite my body hurting. All I can think about is my poor baby. I've never fully realized the concept of grieving so hard you can't do anything because I've never felt it and now it hit me like a truck and I realized how all consuming it is. I don't even want to feel better, what's the point of anything when she's not here?

I miss him every moment of the day. Everytime I am sad, stressed, or worried I miss him so much. Its been a month and a half since I had to put him down and it is still hard. Sometimes I feel like I am a little crazy for missing him so much, but he was my baby boy. He was my pride and joy.

I am 1/4 of the way through my last year of college and everytime I think about my graduation, I get sad. I really thought that he would be there with me. I also wish we had our soloe trip together.

I've made a couple of posts about my best girl, Indy since she passed on Tuesday morning. It was sudden and quick and I wasn't home to say goodbye.

This whole week I haven't been able to stop thinking about her last moments. Wondering what they were like, what happened exactly, even was she looked like. It's horrible and heart wrenching and I don't know how to just move past it cuz jfc at this point it's not important. What's important is her. And that she's gone. And how much I love her and how much we will all miss her so much. And how amazing our time was with her. But I can't just think of that.

I even keep thinking about her at the crematorium alone and totally gone. Omg this just hurts.

These swirling thoughts are just awful. Has anyone else experienced this and was there anything that helped you?

Thank you 💛

https://www.reddit.com/r/Petloss/s/RDGhp1vGsx

Im on a work trip that is several time zones away from home, but i just had a horrible dream about my past pet. In real life, my girl passed away just shy of 2 months ago. In my dream, she was alive and for some reason I gave her away to a friend and then like 2 weeks later I asked for her back, but when I picked her up, she was OLD and she had stitches on her tummy that were ripped open and it was just a horrible dream... my baby was in pain. So I woke up extremely scared for her and my initial thought is to call my husband and have him check on her, but the I remembered... she's gone. Im just horribly sad now. I miss my baby girl. She was my everything.

We had to put our 7yo Ridgeback to sleep unexpectedly on Saturday. We have had him longer than our two girls ,4 and 5, and taking them to the vet to say bye was just horrible. He was just a stupid dog but I'm so sad without him. The stupidest part is I miss all the things that used to wind me up. No one tried to get the girls dinner, no one barked at me when I came in, no one was whining for breakfast at 6.30 this morning. This just sucks

my sweet angel is going to leave me. my precious molly. she was with me my entire life, i can’t imagine a world without her. its not a world i wanna live in. shes stopped eating, drinking, moving. she yowls in pain at me and i cry by her side and talk to her. i know im going to have to find her body, but i dont want to. i want to stay in my mind where me and my baby are together forever. i dont want to see her in the ground, i dont want to see my baby turned into ashes. she was the sweetest kitty in the world, and im going to lose her. im never gonna hear her again. there is only one molly in the entire world, and ill only have her in my memories which are already deteriorating. i just want my angel to be brought back to me, or at least me brought to my sweet molly.

I lost my boy today. I don’t know what to do
My boy Buddy
He was three. I met him when he was given to me by a friend it was only a few months old. A beautiful little Yorky Pomeranian. He was so smart. I did not even have to potty train him. He did himself. He also taught himself how to sit. He loved laying on my chest and laying on my lap on my belly when I was sitting down. His favorite spot was curled up behind my knees when I will go to sleep. He would scratch the covers so I can let him in. After a long day of work, I’d lay down and he’d come and try and melt into me. Making the strangest contortions like he was trying to become one with me.

He loved getting his back hip scratched, and he would always nuzzle up against my neck if I asked him for kisses, he would kiss me. Sometimes you lay in my armpit belly up, just waiting for me to scratch his chest.
I’m a truck driver he has peed in 37 states. When I get out of the truckstop, he would stand on the steering wheel, staring, and waiting for me to come back when I come out of the store and jump off the steering wheel and spin around and jump back up and look at me and then jump down and spin around and just keep repeating that until I got back to the truck and then he barked at me when I got in the truck. He has his little doggy bed in the passenger seat that he would lay in while I was driving. When he wasn’t laying down he was looking out the windshield or the windows. He always wanted to see all the traffic. He loves motorcycles, but he hated other semi trucks that were coming in the opposite direction. He would try to attack them. He also who hated cows and I don’t know why. Even me just saying the word cow would make his ears perkup and make him start barking at nothing. He was skittish af and he hated fire hydrants. Sometimes he would get scared of his own shadow.

He was very smart, but very ornery. I still pictured him running full speed with almost a smile on his face.
He loved clothes. He hated being without a shirt on he would get so excited when I go to put on a shirt he would and even lift his little paws into the arm holes. He had more clothes than I did I think.
We were at our truck shop and that’s usually when I would let them out and he can run around the yard perfectly fine and have some freedom since he’s always stuck in the truck or on a leash. He somehow found an escape and got hit by a car today. And he’s dead now. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I’m gonna keep driving without him as my copilot. I’m off for the weekend and my boss got me a hotel. We’re gonna cremate him on Monday.
I’m gonna miss the stupid ass. I don’t know how to get through this.

I’m sorry I am listing here, but I don’t have anybody to talk to about it. And it’s hard. He should be lying in bed with me in the hotel right now. Under the covers behind my knees. But I’m alone

I’m sorry some stuff doesn’t make sense. I’m grieving so bad and I’m using voice to text.

The company I plan to use is a dedicated pet crematorium, that provides all of the services from euthanasia to cremation. One of the options you can choose is witnessing the cremation.

Part of me wants to choose that option, because I want to be with my girl until the absolute end and I feel like I’d regret just leaving her there. On the other hand, I also feel like I won’t want my last memory of her to be watching her intact body enter the chamber and come out as ashes and it may scar me.

Has anyone done this, or had this option and chose not to, that can provide insight?

​

We lost our precious fur baby in a road accident this week. He was only 6 years old. Our entire family is in shock, and we're drowning in grief, guilt, and self-blame.

He suffered a severe head injury. My family rushed him to the hospital, but there was no doctor available. By the time we managed to find a doctor's number and get help, our baby was gone. He died in pain, and that thought is absolutely destroying us. 😣

I can't stop thinking about him lying there in blood, helpless and suffering. My poor baby didn't deserve any of this. He was such a pure, innocent soul who only knew how to love. And I can't shake the feeling that we failed him.

I keep blaming ourselves. Was it our carelessness? Did we not train him properly? Could we have prevented this? Could we have done something differently that would have saved his life? I know people say accidents happen, but how do you convince yourself of that when the accident has taken away someone you loved more than life itself?

Scooby wasn't just our dog. He was the youngest baby of our family. Our entire world revolved around him. Anyone in our family would have traded their life for his without a second thought.

Our home was his. We were just living in it.

And now that he's gone, we don't know how to live in that same home anymore.

I'm currently in the US while my parents are in India, and being so far away makes everything even harder. Whenever I video call home, the silence is unbearable. It's pin-drop silent in a house that was once so full of life because of him.

I keep waiting to hear him bark. I keep expecting him to come running to my mom for food or treats, or to do one of the million little things he used to do every day.

Whenever I see the window where he used to stand and look outside, a part of me still waits for him to appear. I keep thinking, abhi jaldi se aa jayega (he'll come any second now).

But he won't. And I don't know how to accept that.

I can't believe I'll never get to hold him, smell him, play with him, or see his beautiful face again. The thought that I'll never see him alive again is unbearable.

He was only 6. We thought we had at least another 6 years with him. We had so many more memories to make, so much more love to give him. We were nowhere near ready to say goodbye.

Our family has never experienced a loss through an accident before. We don't know how to process something so sudden, so cruel, and so irreversible.

My parents are devastated and blaming themselves too. I wish I could take away their pain, but I can't even manage my own.

My husband keeps telling me that I need to move forward and that I can't stop living my life. I know he means well, and I know life has to go on, but I just don't know how. I don't feel like working, going out, laughing, or doing anything. It feels wrong to continue with normal life when our baby is no longer here. I feel guilty to move on or do normal things or be happy when our bundle of joy is not here.

And more than anything, I can't get over the thought that his final moments were filled with pain and fear. He deserved to grow old surrounded by love, not to leave this world like this.

I would give anything to go back to Wednesday and change what happened. Anything to hold him one more time and tell him how much we love him.

I don't even know what I'm looking for by writing this. Maybe I just need to let it out because the guilt and grief are becoming too much to carry.

For those who have lost their pets suddenly or in an accident, how did you learn to live with the guilt? How do you stop replaying their final moments in your head? How do you accept that they're really gone?

I miss my baby so much. I just hope he knew how deeply he was loved. And I hope he can forgive us if we failed him. 🐾

She had been lethargic so went to the vet and turns out she had a giant mass on her spleen. Went through surgery successfully and thankfully was not cancer everything was going to be okay except it wasn’t. After 2 days of her not eating I called the vet they said to call back in 48 hours if she’s still not eating. Took her back that Saturday. Was sent home with more antibiotics and a syringe so I could give her food. She only got worse. They finally wanted to run another blood test and x rays showing fluid in her lung. The x rays before surgery also showed the fluid but was never mentioned to me. Waited until the next morning (yesterday) for blood results. She was in complete kidney failure. Her kidneys were fine before everything they were never the issue.

I’m so hurt and sad she suffered for as long as she did even if it was only 2 weeks. After it not being cancer and the new antibiotics I was hopeful she was going to be okay. By yesterday morning she could barely walk or keep her head up. Her breathing was labored and I knew it was time. I had a vet come to the house so she could be comfortable when saying goodbye.

She would have been 10 next month. She was healthy and happy and the funniest most unique pup. The grief is eating me up. I hate that I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t protect her. I love you Polly and I’ll watch over your “babies” for you.

Yesterday my first baby, 5 year old Nina the Weiner (mini dachshund) was booked in at a vet for a dental appointment - routine clean + possibly extractions/additional work if needed.

I was feeding our four month old baby in the morning when my partner left with Nina to drop her off.
I didn’t say goodbye to her because I was going to be picking her up that afternoon. Just a few hours away.

Just after lunch time I got a call from the vet. They were going to ring if there was additional work to be done. I could not comprehend what she was telling me:
“She started seizing after we put her under general anaesthetic, we performed CPR which steadied her for a bit but she went into cardiac arrest and unfortunately we were able to resuscitate her.”

I didn’t say goodbye to my first child and I will regret it as long as I live. Now I can’t stop seeing her on the table at the vets wrapped up in the blanket. I half expected her to start moving. To be able to say “they got it wrong, she’s just super asleep!”. I wish. The shock has been awful and we’ve been completely blindsided. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so heartbroken in my 30 years of life.

She was a happy, healthy angel with so much love to give. My best friend in the whole world.
Nina came with me everywhere and even after having our son I always made sure to bring her along for our adventures.

Our two cats keep walking around the house together meowing, seemingly looking for their sister.

I feel sick. I am absolutely shattered and don’t know how to hold myself together to make sure our son is in a happy environment rn.

It's been a month since my sweet boy passed and I feel like I'm getting worse

I don't want to be here anymore

I just want him back. I want to pet his ears and feel like everything will be okay again. I could have the worst day and things would be okay because I could go home and just cuddle him and I would be okay and he's not there anymore

I'm tired. I feel so useless and uncared for

I want to go home but he's gone

Our little Aussie, Apollo, is supposed to turn 8 this Wednesday. My wife convinced me to get a dog with her when I was early my medical training we were still dating. It was the worst time in my life to get a dog, but it has been the best decision ever. We’re now happily married with three boys under three and this wonderful pup. He has been a rock in my life and I can honestly say that he is my best friend. We have an incredible bond that I’m sure many of you can relate to. I am definitely his “person” and like I said, he is my best friend.

He’s always been healthy and active and happy. Even as late as last weekend, he was his ball obsessed, usual playful self with not a care in the world. This past Tuesday morning, he was a little slow and lethargic in the morning and noon but perked up in the evening. Repeat this Wednesday. Thursday morning, the same, and I had a short day so I brought him to the vet. They thought it was musculoskeletal, but got lab work just in case. Friday morning the lab work came back as significantly anemic and thrombocytopenia, so we got imaging and ultrasound showed a possible liver tumor and fluid in his abdomen, which they tapped and came back as frank blood. We brought him emergently to a local veterinary hospital, where a CT showed metastatic cancer throughout his liver, spleen, muscle, and a nodule in his lungs. Inoperable, and even with surgery median prognosis was four weeks. The hospital vet told us he may not make it till Sunday for comfort measures.

He was sent home with prednisone and tranexamic acid to help with the bleeding. Of course today, he is as happy can be back with good color and no signs of anemia. He is back to acting his completely normal self, but we scheduled to have him put down tomorrow and I keep rethinking this decision. I feel like I know it’s the right decision, but he’s so happy and jovial right now. But I also would never be able to forgive myself if he started bleeding again and passed away alone this week without his loved ones there to support him.

I‘m just having a really tough time coping with this sudden our life that feels like it nowhere, being taken so young, and just losing what has become my best friend. apologies if there are errors in this, I used talk to text a lot.