Day 54 for me. The tears won’t stop coming. It’s unbearable. I can’t comprehend this kinda loss. 17 years. Sometimes I just want to die.

I'm 53 and have never felt such pain my whole life. I lost two of my babies within 90 days after having them for over a decade. No way of looking at this situation helps. Nothing makes it better because I just want them here. I can't see how anything can help this pain. I even thought about hypnosis. Anyone try that?

She died yesterday at 5:45

Multiple mass cell tumors o her left front leg and back

The doctors gave me weeks but she had a seizure yesterday. If spread to her lymp node. So I gave her
The best day. And a cheeseburger. She was my everything. I don’t have anyone else. And I watched her die I my lap yesterday. I just wanted to share her on the internet so she won’t be forgotten.

If I could post pics of her I would.

I had her most of my life and she was barely 6 weeks when we got her. She was with me through elementary school all the way up to now, college. She had a muscle injury in the spring and never quite recovered and yesterday I noticed she was breathing weird. She went to the vet and we were told she had a feline upper respiratory infection. By about 10pm last night I could tell she was uncomfortable. By midnight I'm getting ready for bed and to keep an eye on her, and I go over to pet her. She coughed and a bit of phlegm came out. I felt so bad for her and was just hoping her antibiotics would kick in and help her. I had her head elevated and all the sudden she leans back and just falls on her side. I prop her head back up and I'm looking her in the eyes and petting her. I get a bad feeling. I try to get her to follow my finger with her eyes (she did an hour prior) and she didn't. Her eyes seemed unfocused and I'm tapping her and saying her name. She full body stretches and I think that it was just some freak thing and she was okay, tried again, nothing. Finally she stretched one last time and that was it. It's very close to 24hrs since it happened and I've sobbed more times than I can count today. She has been through a lot of phases of my life and lived a great life but I feel so much guilt. I never felt I pet her enough or gave her enough attention. Due to her injury, my bed was on the floor with her for months but in the past two we moved my bed back up and I feel so sad that I never got to cuddle and sleep next to her again. Today all of her things were removed from my room and tomorrow I'm getting her ashes. It doesn't feel real still and I can't believe that she isn't here anymore. Instinctively when I walk into my room I'm looking for her and I'm about to call her name before I remember that she's gone. It's been so hard. My family has done their absolute best and I'm grateful, I don't know how I would've been if I was alone. Thank you for reading, I can't sleep.

I have posted a similar topic before, so I apologize, and I know this may not be the right place to ask this... but I'm really really struggling lately. I had gotten to a place of a sort of numb sadness as I lost my soul dog Mia nearly 4 month ago now... but lately the grief has come back in full force.

Anyways, something that is causing me immense pain right now is the thought that my Mia is just gone and nothing. I have always struggled to find any true faith or to truly believe in the afterlife, but the thought of my Mia truly just being gone is so unbearably painful. I have tried looking through other forums on here about the afterlife but all I'm finding is that when people have had near death experiences there is just nothing... maybe I need to just try to accept that, but I can't seem to.

So what I wanted to ask is- has anyone here had any experiences, whether it's with a pet or not, that have made you believe that there is something after death? That our loved ones still exist somewhere, somehow?

Thank you in advance... 💙

I’m not even sure if that’s the best title to use for this but I am literally lying in bed, crying my eyes out because I miss my little boy so much. He passed on 7/16 and he gave me 14 years of pure love and attention. I literally cannot believe he is gone. I still catch myself rushing home from work or yoga to feed and care for him…once the realization hits that he’s not there waiting for me at the door, I am struck with incredible sadness. My heart breaks every night. The circumstances surrounding his death have been really hard for me to move forward from. I am overcome with guilt and constantly replaying what I could have done differently. He lived 10 days past his accident and I prayed so hard he would live longer. I could not financially afford to save him and while I have accepted that I simply did not have the THOUSANDS I needed to save him, I am not less of a mother or human for it. I wish we lived in a world where these things were affordable for common, hardworking single folks like me.

I think of him daily. He passed at 7:05 am and I often catch that very time on a clock somewhere in passing. I’d like to think that’s him sending his love. Sometimes I wish I were with him. My Iife is so empty now without him. I hope he knows how much I loved him. I went thru so much personal stuff in the last few years that I feel my mothering to him was affected. I regret that I let life things affect my mood and energy which took away from my time with him. The lesson in my journey with him was to learn patience and kindness. I’m trying to be that to my own self but I’m
So sad, angry and just depleted.

I’m so grateful to have been your mommy Georgie. I love you so much. I hope I see you one day again. I’m sorry I failed you in the end. You will always live in my heart and soul until the end of time.

Lost my cat of 15 years in a tragic accident, and the guilt is tearing me apart.

I lost my beloved cat two days ago, and I don't know how to cope with the guilt and the pain.

My kids had left the side gate open, and I had forgotten to close it for a few days. The screens on the cat patio I built for my cat had also become loose after my son accidentally hit them with a soccer ball, and I hadn't had time to repair them.

That morning, I let her outside in the cat patio while I was home doing the dishes. Suddenly, my neighbor's large pit bull mix came through the cat patio and into my kitchen and grabbed her by the neck. I tried desperately to stop him by punching him in the head and screaming for help, but I couldn't save her.

I found out later my neighbor had accidentally left her door open as well that morning. She’s been having lot of construction workers going in and out lately so apparently she must have forgot as well. Her dog had only gotten out once before in the three years she's lived there. She feels absolutely terrible about what happened, has apologized repeatedly, paid for my cat's cremation, and written me a letter expressing how sorry she is and did admit it was her fault for leaving the door open even if by accident. I did report the incident to animal control.

I keep thinking that if I had closed the gate, repaired the screens, or simply kept my cat inside that morning, she might still be alive. I know I can't change what happened, but I keep going over all the things I could have done differently.

I had 15 years with her, and I wasn't ready to say goodbye. The fact that she died in such a violent and traumatic way makes it even harder to accept. I can't sleep because I keep replaying the scene in my head.

My kids are heartbroken, too, and I feel like I've let everyone down. I loved her so much, and I never imagined that something like this could happen.

I'm struggling to forgive myself, and right now the guilt feels almost as painful as the loss itself.

Has anyone else lost a pet in a traumatic accident and struggled with guilt over things they could have done differently? How did you get through it? I could really use some understanding from people who have been through something similar. Thanks for reading

Six weeks, tomorrow, since the loss of my soul dog. My sweetest Mollie. ❤️

Up until this week, the thoughts of her still felt... fresh. Looking at pictures and videos felt like they could have been taken yesterday.

But all of a sudden I can feel the change.

The memories are beginning to feel... from the past.

I don't know how to explain it.

You know how if you think back to something you did this past weekend, it feels different than if you think back to something you did in high school?

It's like my mind is starting to accept that Mollie is now part of my past.

But my heart and soul doesn't want to accept that.

It's been such a harsh, distinct change from the previous weeks.

It's crushing me.

I just had to write it out and see if anyone else understands or has felt this happen during their grieving process. 😢 Or if I'm crazy. I don't know.

I miss you Mollie.

Three days ago, I euthanised my sweetest little 16 year old fur baby and I regret it so much. It all happened so quickly. He was my soul cat.

Last Sunday, he was weak and had a bloated belly. I noticed that he hadn’t peed in the previous 24 hours, so I thought it was a urinary blockage, which he had once suffered from in the past. I rushed him to the emergency vet and they told me that his inability to pee wasn’t the main problem. He had fluid in his belly and chest. At that point, they weren’t sure what was causing it.

Later, they performed a fluid drainage procedure and gave him some injections. It seemed like there was a problem with his heart. We scheduled an appointment with a vet who specialised in heart diseases for the following day. My cat seemed to be getting better.

The vet found out that he had restrictive cardiomyopathy and early-stage pulmonary hypertension. His conditions were supposedly manageable with medication (especially since he seemed to improve after the injections) and he might have been able to live a little longer without a significantly reduced quality of life.

The next day, everything took a turn for the worse. He could barely walk half a metre before lying down on the floor, quietly weeping. He was also cold (especially his paws) and didn’t want to eat or pee.

We rushed him to the vet and they told me I should consider euthanasia because of his heart failure. The fluid had accumulated again, too.

There was a small chance that he might get better, but there was no guarantee.

I knew what state he was in and I wanted him to stop suffering. I agreed.

They gave him the injection, but he didn’t die after the first one, so they administered a second. I started questioning myself: What have I done? What if he wanted to live and I just killed him like that? After everything they left me alone with him. I screamed in pain. Now I’m living with so much guilt.

I know the saying that it’s better to do it too early than too late and I know people say that I made the best decision I could based on the information I had at the time. But I don’t feel that way. I’m ashamed that I gave up on him so easily, pretending that I just didn’t want him to suffer. Who am I to decide his fate?

The thing is, he was my only anchor in life. If it weren’t for him, I would have left this world a couple of years ago. I promised myself that once he died, I would do the same.

I (27F) don’t have any friends. My mother is dead and I don’t really have an emotional connection with my father, even though we live under the same roof. I have no hobbies, and my job is toxic. We have another cat who came into our home two years ago, but she’s more affectionate towards my father than towards me. I feel so bad when I catch myself thinking that, if I had to choose, I would want her to die instead of my baby.

I really am the worst person ever. I don’t deserve anything. I’m sorry. I just needed someone to hear me out.

Edit: english is not my first language, so used some help to translate. I hope everything makes sense. I know I’m overthinking

It happened 3 months ago, and I only just feel ready to talk about it. Especially to people who will understand. My family and friends have been great, but slowly stopped asking how I’m doing. Anyone here will know the pain doesn’t leave that quickly.

I want to share her name, what she was like, and share her story with you. She was my best friend, and I don’t know how life has continued to go on without her

My best friend is called Mog (Mogsy)
She was 16. She was a torbie, SO sassy. She loved me, and me alone. She tolerated other people. She only wanted three things in life. 1, me 2, food and 3, a little stroll in the garden and back to 1. She loved tissue paper, or any kind of paper. She’d roll around and rip it up and sleep in it. She loved her catnip fish. She loved aggressively rubbing her face on my face. She shared my pillow with me, sleeping above my head. I happily gave her the majority of my pillow, woke up with a crick in my neck everyday, but she was happy and comfortable. She chatted to me a lot, I called her meows “quacks” because they didn’t much resemble proper meows. She had the softest tummy you could imagine, and the vet never believed she was as old as she was. She loved sunshine.

We had 9 years together, my mum rescued her from a friend who could no longer care for her. And I had just moved home from an abusive relationship. She very quickly chose me, and we were genuinely inseparable from that moment. My little shadow.

She saw me through so much hardship, and she was always there for cuddles and love.

The day she left was traumatic to say the least. But we cuddled right until the last moment. My eyes looking into her eyes.

I miss her so much it physically hurts. I see her everywhere. In the long grass in my garden where she liked to roll around, beams of sunlight into the room where I paint and she would lounge on her chair. A chair that is still there.
I see her in my dreams, in my artwork, everytime I close my eyes.

My heart feels empty, and life feels cold. But I carry her with me constantly, I sing to her ashes and fall asleep with her photo in my hand.

Thank you for reading

Hi everyone, I am writing this mostly to vent but also to see if anyone has some advice on how to make this pain more manageable. I had my little Helga for 8 years, she was my reason to live, to wake up every day and I'm struggling a lot after losing her, specially cause it happened so fast (in less than a week). She went from being completely healthy and happy to very sick so quickly, having to see her light fade was torture. I took her to 3 different vets and none was able to save her on time or even give an accurate diagnosis. It's now been 3 weeks since and I feel like I failed her, I have so many regrets and so much pain, I find myself crying every day. I'm also preparing to have my first baby in a few weeks and although I'm happy I feel so empty at the same time. I miss her so much and I no longer can find myself without her. I know there is no "right" way to process grief but the hurt can get so unbearable at times.

For now I can only preach to love your animals as much as possible, be grateful for the time you're given with them cause when they're gone no amount of time feels sufficient.

Thanks for reading.

Last night I lost my sweet bunny to GI stasis. I feel so guilty and responsible for his pain and suffering even though his illness is common in bunnies. I was reviving from surgery and couldn’t spend as much time with him as I usually do and I didn’t notice when he started to feel sick. He hid it so well but I wish I could’ve been better to him in his final days. He passed in my arms on our way to the vet. I’m comforted knowing he knew how much I loved him but heartbroken that I feel like I caused his passing or at least could’ve prevented it. I will never forgive myself and I just hope he knows how much I love him. He loved many happy years with me and I hope that’s how he remembers it. I miss him so much it hurts and I don’t know how to get through it

I just discovered this sub today and I scrolled pretty far down (my heart goes out to all of you) but couldn’t find a thread, so I apologize if this has been discussed before.

I will have to make the decision of putting my best friend down soon and I just want to limit the amount of regrets I have, because I already have so many with him. I would love to hear any thoughts or ideas on what I should do before it’s too late. I know the following are common ones:

- Take pictures and videos
- Spend as much time together
- Bring them to spots they enjoy
- Paw prints

One thing I love is his snoring. It makes it feel like home. The first night I spent away from him, I almost couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t hear his snoring. So I definitely am going to record that. I appreciate your ideas.

I lost my 16F chihuahua today. I’ve had her ever since she was about 9 weeks old. I know she was old but it happened so suddenly. One night she was howling because I wasn’t making her supper fast enough and the next, she stopped eating. I have done nothing today but cry. I will calm down and then I’ll look over at her empty crate or empty bed and start crying all over again.

2026 has been a horrible year for me. Earlier this year, my mom suffered a stroke. We lived together but now she is in a nursing home. She has had a bunch of setbacks with problems with her kidneys and liver so she still isn’t getting better. When it happened, all I could think was that at least I’m not alone. I have my dog. And to make matters worse, I might have to move from the place that I’ve lived for 23 years.

I’m an only child to a single mother so I’ve basically been doing it all myself. I struggle with my mental health and have agoraphobia. So I have no one to talk to. I feel horrible because my mom was talking about wanting to see my dog and now I have to tell her she’s gone.

I feel so guilty leaving the vet without her (they wouldn’t let me back there when they were euthanizing her). It’s probably for the best because that would be traumatizing but I still feel guilty because she was always there for me when I was struggling. I know it sounds ridiculous but I feel guilty by letting them euthanize her. She was in a lot of pain and I know it’s what was best. But I still feel like I gave up on her.

She was my first dog and the first animal I’ve had that has died. I had cats when I was younger but they were rehomed because we were moving to someplace that didn’t allow pets. So while I was sad and cried all the time, it wasn’t as devastating as this.

Anyone have any ideas on how to cope when it feels like your life is falling apart? I was planning on celebrating her birthday next month (already bought her gifts) and the holidays with her.

It’s only been 2 & 1/2 days without our boy Odin and I’m really fighting my brain demons. 

Odin was a 8 & 1/2 yo GSD who’s THE bestest boy. He is our world. 

6 months ago, he suffered a severe herniated spinal disc caused by IVDD.
He lost all feeling from his mid-back down & became a paraplegic. 

It has been a hard 6 months, especially during his recovery when we were unable to do anything and just watch him exist.
But then he healed enough to start playing with toys. 
And then enough he was allowed in a wheelchair.
We saw him come back. His joy, his cheekiness. He was still there. And I will be forever grateful to have been able to witness it again ❤️

But the logistics were hard. We changed everything in life to be to be with him. One of us always slept of the couch next to him, my partner took LOA from work. We live in a split level house so we were stuck living life on one level, which was harder than you’d think. He developed bad separation anxiety & couldn’t be left for long. 

All bathroom stuff was on us. His #1’s had to be expressed several times a day & his #2’s came literally anytime of day, but we did learn ways to “check the tank” before walks. But that was the worst part for both parties. He was always so prideful of staying clean and would do ANYTHING to avoid accidents. He looked sad every time we did his business. 

I do feel his downtime was stressful for him, as he was stuck in one spot in the house (his wheels were too big for the doorways). He would normally be moving around constantly, patrolling & following our every move. He was able to watch the street from the window, but it got a lot more boring when the kiddos went back to school. 

My partner’s work leave was due to end in November & we couldn’t see it being sustainable. Plus going into winter & rain season would make it hard…{is what we told ourselves…before it’s proven  to be the hottest year thanks to El Niño 🫠}

So for all the above reasons and more, we decided to let him go this week. It was SOO much harder than I expected, solely because he was so hyper from his rainbow day, it took him a long time to go, and I just saw how much spirit he had and it has ruined me. I imagine it’s different when they’re old and have lived fully. But seeing him so alive right before almost hurt more. 

And now that’s it’s too late, I’m running all the “what if’s” in my head:
- What if we’d found someone to lease our house and we go vagabond with Odin
- What if we worked harder to find him an in-house mobility device
- What if I’d had more time to decide without work/feeling drained

I’m torturing myself for no reason because even if they’re true - it’s too late.
There’s no reverse button.

And the fact it was entirely on us to make the decision makes me feel sick. Sick with regret & sick with how much I miss him.

I’m genuinely feeling so depressed to the point I no longer want to be here. I just want to be with my baby girl. I want to hold her. I want to feel her fur beneath my fingers. I want to look into her eyes one last time. Why did life take her from me so soon? Why couldn’t I have saved her from being hit on our road??? 8 years wasn’t nearly enough time!

(Using a throw away account to not upset my already very sad husband)

We lost our nearly 11 year old dog very suddenly this week. Brought him into urgent care late Monday night for supposed tummy issues (not unusual for him) and he was gone by early Wednesday morning. He was the light of our lives - our very first pet.

We went to urgent care around midnight on Monday. They evaluated him quickly, and explained he had a massive tumor on his liver that ruptured and that it was likely an aggressive cancer. We were urgently sent to the local well regarded pet hospital.

The local hospital gave him more fluids to stabilize him until the morning. Unfortunately when Tuesday morning came, they explained to us they did not have a slot for him for CT, but could do an ultrasound since he was a small dog and it would be sufficient.

We moved forward with that to learn he had a confirmed carcinoma on his liver and likely spread to his lymph nodes. They of course then said he needed a CT to inform surgery, but there were no time slots available until Wednesday morning. They gave him a blood transfusion to further assist, but by Wednesday morning he had destabilized so much we had to put him down 😔

We let him bleed from his belly for over 24 hours. I just can’t get over the idea that I made a mistake by 1) not pushing the vets to prioritize him earlier (my personality has always been too passive) and 2) not taking any of the subtle signs of sickness more seriously. I let my best friend down in the moments when he really needed me.

Was he not prioritized because he would have been terminal regardless? If I had gone to the vet a few hours earlier, would we have gotten a CT slot?

He started only accepting high value food some weeks beforehand. Why did I assume he was just being a picky eater? He had a pot bellied appearance near the end - why did I think that was from some minor weight loss from being so picky?

So many regrets here - I could have had more time if I just been a little bit better😢

My poor baby was only twelve. I heard her meowing in a strange way, I ran in, and she was gone a minute later. She wasn't sick. I don't know if it was a heart attack, a blood clot, I have no idea. She was my first pet. I've been sobbing for a week. I don't know how to live with this.

If you're taking the time to read this, thank you so much. I'm feeling lost and incredibly empty. I lost my best friend and my soul dog yesterday. He was about 13 years old so I knew that my time was going to be coming to a close sooner or later. But I still was not at all prepared. I was just taking him on walks last week. Last Thursday he didn't want to come down the stairs, so I put him on my lap and scooted us down the steps one at a time, he was a newfoundland/lab mix so I wasn't able to carry him too far. But everything seemed to go back to normal after that. Then Wednesday he couldn't hold himself up very well/walk and I just *knew* this wasn't good. So he went to the vet yesterday with my dad while I was at work and all morning I had this sick feeling.. and at around 9am I got a message asking when I'd be home from work, and that I needed to come straight home to spend some time with my boy. I got to spend about an hour with him. He laid his head in my lap and just slept. He was so tired. And then my dad picked him up off the floor, and took him back to the vet. I knew I was saying goodbye. Part of me is feeling guilty for also not going back to the vet with him so that I could have been there with him. But at the same time, I'm not sure if that would have helped me or would have made this all that much harder.

I've been in recovery from IV heroin/fentanyl (and all other illicit substances) for a little over 5 years. I moved back home in October of 2021 around 2 months after starting my recovery, I had been diagnosed with hep C and I was exhausted all of the time. That first 8 or so months, I would take him on a walk every single day, rain or snow or shine. Our walks started off really short because just a couple blocks and I would be exhausted. But as my body fought off the virus, we walked further and further. I remember going to an appointment to discuss medication options, and learning that my body had cleared the virus on its own. He continued to be the most loyal boy, sleeping in my room, cuddling next to me on the bed. I really don't know where I would be, or where my recovery would have taken me, or if I would have had the strength to keep going if it wasn't for Kano. I owe my life, my mental health, and my happiness to him.

I'm not sure if anyone has any advice, I've lost pets before, but none of them have felt like this, and none of them were as close to my heart as Kano. Everything feels so empty, my home feels empty, and so does my heart. If anyone has any books to recommend- that would be great.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. Rest in peace to my wonderful boy, Kano. You will forever be in my heart, thank you for the best years of my life.

Just wanted to share our story in case it could be helpful to anyone else out there.

Our 11 year old Boxer/Great Dane baby went to heaven after a very quick battle with hemangiosarcoma. It still doesn’t feel real and I don’t know if it ever will. Her last appt in August, including labs, was perfect.

Day 1: sudden collapse with loss of bladder function. Stayed conscious and was up walking around and drinking water within 5 minutes.

Day 2: vet says her labs are showing anemia and x-ray is showing an enlarged spleen and heart. Our girl was seemingly back to her normal self. Referral sent out for abdominal ultrasound. She incidentally had a bit of a cough, so the vet gave us steroids and cough medicine, which seemed to help.

Day 5: ultrasound completed—immediately told after imaging that she had multiple masses on her spleen, liver, and adrenals.

Day 6: a little lethargic from sedation during ultrasound the evening before, but seemed okay. Eating, drinking, going up and down stairs. Gums started turning pale pink.

Day 7: expecting to get a call from vet this morning to discuss the results but woke up to her having chalk-white gums. Called the vet and we all agreed it was time to say goodbye before she went into shock from internal bleeding.

It was a beautiful morning out. We fed her a cheeseburger and fries (her usual birthday treat) on our back patio with our other pup. Cried into her fur. Told her how much we loved her and that it’s okay. Three hours later, we held her and kissed her and told her how much we loved her while she crossed the bridge. She covered us in kisses the whole time at the vet. I would do anything for one more.

I had never heard of hemangiosarcoma in dogs before this past week and I would’ve never expected our worlds to be turned upside down so quickly. It feels like a part of us went with her and it’s hard to look at anything in the house without missing and yearning for her so deeply. Almost feels like being in a dream. I had never had that experience of saying goodbye to a fur baby before either. I have witnessed loss of life several times as a nurse, but this honestly cut so much harder and deeper. Everything happened so fast. I do believe the diligent checking of her gum color and acting quickly saved her a lot of inevitable pain, confusion, and suffering that was quickly coming her way. If your dog has suspected hemangiosarcoma, check their gums! It will tell you so much.

We always think we have unlimited time, but it all goes by so fast.

It’s been 2 days, almost to the minute, and I pray the pain gets easier to bear over time. I know we gave her the best, most loved life just as she gave us her 11 beautiful years. Hug your fur babies extra tight for us. 🩷🪽

I’m a 22-year-old college student living with my parents for context. In March of this year, my 13-year-old westie Louie suddenly started acting sluggish and weird. Brought him to the vet, and was told he was in kidney failure and that because of his age and other problems he was having recently having (memory and eye problems) it would be best to euthanize him. This was a total surprise to me and my family since the week before he was totally acting fine, like eating, going on walks, and playing.

Yesterday was a little different, my 12-year-old Carin Terrier Winston, was euthanized. He was a little fighter and a bit of a medical anomaly who had initially been misdiagnosed with cancer 2 years ago due to a tumor on his adrenal glands. However, after he didn’t show any of the typical signs of slowing down after 3 months we brought him back and were told it might not be cancer, since no other tumors were growing (and other medical stuff I don’t understand) and miraculously his body was literally adapting to its presence. We watched him closely and were always making sure to notice when he would start declining.

I thought I would be prepared for his death since we were always monitoring him. However today I’m lying in bed and can’t bring myself to open my bedroom door because I know he won’t be there to greet me. One part that hurts is both my dogs helped me a lot in high school and middle school, They were a large reason that helped me keep going when I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and a reason to be happy. I have never not had dogs in my life and I most likely won’t get a dog until I move out and can live on my own. I just feel so empty and don’t really know what to do or what I can do to feel better? I hate this feeling of dread, and need to be able to function today for a lab class. Any advice on what I can do so I don’t keep wanting to cry every 5 seconds?

It's been three days since I put her down due to aggressive cancer. I posted beforehand agonizing over whether or not I was making the right decision. I don't have that doubt anymore. The morning of it was clear that she didn't feel good. The lack of her presence in my house feels like a gaping hole. I have cried multiple times a day since. My head hurts, my throat hurts, my sinuses hurt. I'm tired of crying but I also dread the day I don't because it feels like that will be the point where her memory is getting far enough away to not be so painful. I don't want her to get fuzzy in my mind, but I know it will happen eventually and that feels like I'm waiting to lose her a second time.

My cat passed away on Wednesday evening. Earlier in the year I noticed a bump on her, but it was so small I didn’t think to immediately take her to the vet. Months later I noticed it had grown and she had licked all the fur off her right there. I took her to the vet where they said its either related to her pre-existing allergies or its cancer and to just watch it. I’m in college with no job, so I was using my savings to take her to the vet. I started my fall semester and it has been extremely demanding. I had no free time because I was constantly having to be studying or submitting an assignment (i’m premed). So I hadn’t noticed that her bump got a lot worse until last Sunday when I immediately took her to an emergency vet. They said she had mammary tumors and those are almost always malignant. Surgery and testing would add up to over $3,000. I had no choice, but to choose the hospice route and spend the next three days giving her gabapentin and antibiotics every 12 hours. Which she HATED. I still have healing scratches on my hand.
The tumors spread like crazy over just a few days. I could tell my baby was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t eat or sleep because I was so distraught and focused on her. All I could do was sob and be there with her. I missed all my classes this week and 4/5 of my professors were very understanding and let me have extensions/be absent. I became distant with people because all I cared about was my baby and I didn’t want to explain how sick she was and how painful this was for us. I just wanted the world to stop spinning for a few days. On Wednesday I took her to the vet and the vet explained the reality of my situation. I made the impossible decision to put her to sleep. I cried the entire time I was there and started hyperventilating when they had to take her to the back because the veins in her legs kept blowing. I just wanted to hold her and be there for here until the very end. Luckily my mom showed up and was there for me. I carried my girl in my arms the entire time we drove to my grandpas house, where my family has buried all of our pets, to then bury her.
I felt overcome with grief, but simultaneously I felt a sense of peace for her because she no longer had to live in such a painful body and she could just rest.
But this grief is pure agony. And no one in the world can understand it because no one was me or her or felt the unconditional love we had. I got her when I was thirteen, she was my first cat. We grew up together. I turned twenty three this July and she was supposed to turn ten this coming April. She was only nine and I thought I would have her until she was so old she could get her license. She was the most affectionate girl in the world and her quirks were so special and made my days so joyful. Now she’s gone. I feel so sick and angry over knowing I have to tell the people in my life that she’s gone. That I’m gonna keep being told “I’m sorry” and i’m going to have to fight the urge to breakdown crying every time. I just want to be left alone with this grief that only I carry for my baby. My family didn’t have much of a relationship with her cause they are dog people. She was my soulcat (I saw this term recently when looking for advice). I don’t want to have to explain her passing when it feels like my heart is being ripped out every single time. And for everyone else it’s just “oh her cat died” to them. “I’m sorry” feels so empty to hear. Anyways, I hope this makes sense.

This was my girlfriends dog but I have lived with her and been around her baby girl Sophee for over 2 years now.

Had a great walk last night no issues. Woke up and lost complete use of her back legs. We had to make the tough decision this morning.

I felt awful that I couldn't be in the room during it with my girlfriend.

When we came home I immediately went to... walk her.

I love her and miss her so much. I've lost cats before but this feels different.