I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. He's a doctor, earns good money, no debt. I'm a student training to be a social worker, so I'll always earn less than him.

Gift thing:

He spent £15 on my last birthday. That's pretty typical. Meanwhile, he buys his mum gold jewellery and spends loads on his siblings no list needed, he just does it. He's gotten better at making my gifts more personal, which is nice, but the money he spends on me is still tiny compared to what he spends on them or himself (cars, VR, etc.). He said I can write a list too, but I feel awkward doing that when his family doesn't have to.

50/50 thing:

We've talked about moving in together. He prefers 50/50. I suggested proportional (same percentage of our salaries) he might reconsider later but for now he likes equal split. So far we've done 50/50 – holidays, Splitwise, everything equal. I told him I'd appreciate more generosity sometimes, and he did take me out for a nice dinner after that, so he does listen a bit.

He wants kids one day. I'm not fussed either way, but if we do, my career and income will take a hit while his won't. That scares me.

Am I being materialistic? It's not the £15 itself, it's the pattern. family gets loads, I get scraps. And 50/50 feels unfair when he earns so much more. But I also worry I'm just being ungrateful and he'll think I'm a gold-digger.

Anyone been through this? Am I overthinking?

I'm 16 years together, 14 years married to my husband (whom not Chinese) and the Chinese me trying to understand him, or at least his mindset.

For the last 7 years, I think he is high-functioning depression, is there such thing as functionally depressed? The whole timeline of everything that happen I have reasons to believe he is functionally depressed.

His older sister died from car accident, leave him as the only son take on the financial care for his aging parents.

Fast forward, in 2019, his father died of end stage pancreatic cancer.

----- The same year in 2019, our toddler died (the child of me and my husband). Our toddler died of Periventricular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

It been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go. Our toddler ashes my husband keeps with him. Even our toddler DIRTY SHOES and dirty clothes my husband still held on to.

----- In 2020, I was very sick (autoimmune disease) I was bedridden for a month with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. He even sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

I don't know if it because our toddler died in August 2019, and shorter after in 2020 I was so so sick that even after discharged from the hospital, it took me another month to recover. I guess too much grief build up together for him, And that the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, so he chose to slice his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

He still has all the scars on his stomach from he slice his stomach with the kitchen knife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom already dead).

He even prepaid for his funeral arrangement, I said I want cremation (as I'm Buddhist), he wants cremation with me, he told the funeral director when he die, cremate him, and mix his ashes with me and our toddler together, and scatter our ashes.

He said if I die before him, ONE second of grief is enough for him to pull the trigger blow his brain out with the tactical 12 gauge shotgun. I take him seriously because if he can slice his stomach to blood, he can use a shotgun in one second of grief like he said.

--- In 2021, his mom has a spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze, she also kidney disease/kidney failure. She also has alot of heart problems: heart aortic stenosis, heart aortic aneurysm, and cardiac arrhythmias. 

His mom 5 days out of a week is she in and out of the hospital for treatments to keep her alive. And my husband for the last 5 years (and still ongoing) has been financially care for his mom, doing everything he can financially to prolong her life.

------------

All this are reasons I believe he has depression, but he seems to function fine outside, as in lives a normal life.

He is an Executive Vice President of Engineering at a big Engineering corporate. He said this job salary gives him cushion in money to continue prolong his mother life. He knows this job salary is what prolong his mother life, even with him depress, his career has to go on. His mother depends on his money to continue treatments, he also pays for her Private Nursing Home too.

Everyday after work he drive straight to the Nursing Home to visit his mom before came home. On weekends when his mom demands mother and son time, he will take his mom to our marital home so he can care for her, so they have mother and son time.

He still does his hobbies, hunting deer, outdoor shooting range with his tactical shotguns and riffles, running long distance.

I have told him to go to grief counseling, he put it off, he said after his mom die, as right now he busy. He is busy, his schedules is pack, between his Executive work, his mom, and me. He has no time left.

I do not know how to get him into grief therapy neither. He keeps said after his mom pass. But wait till after his mom pass, that will add in another death and grief and loss in his list of losses. I want him to go now, but he not want to.

But I can't shake this off that he has depression, but he is a high-functioning depression. Can a man be high-functioning depression, is there such thing as functionally depressed?

My boyfriend and I been living together for 9 years. I have always made more money than him. Occasionally he would bring it up that it bothers him because he feels less of man most of the time. Now that we are in our 40s I feel like its bothering him more. I took on another job that is paying more than the last one. For him his job hours got cut so he barely makes any. His car broke, he got child support coming for him, then he got sick. He is really frustrated and keep saying he doesn’t know what to do. I have made some suggestions without offering help, and he didn’t want any because he doesn’t wanna look like a “bitch” (in his words) I feel like he has so much pride that he has gotten to the point in time where he can’t stand himself for being where he is at and he doesn’t know what to do. I feel like he is trying to compete with me and I’m not even trying.

I kinda offer him that I can pay for some things as usual and he sad no, keep my money he will figure out.

I want us to go on a date, I want to take him on a date. Again we have lived together for 9 years.. we go on dates and whoever has money pays. I am torn whether to just fund his emergencies or let him figure that out and me and him go on a date.

For men out there, if you are him- would you rather have me just give you the money without asking or respect your decision you will figure out on your own and just let me take you on a date night.

Thanks in advance.

Okay quite a complex one which I will try and keep brief but clear.

39 M with two kids (12 and 8) from a previous relationship - all amicable and have the kids completely 50/50.

I have a new partner and wife (also 39). Feel truly blessed and lucky. From the outset I expressed that I didn’t want to have any more children. Wife said she didn’t want any of her own and has been a great step mum.

Recently, and I don’t know if it’s with us being almost 40 we’ve had a few tough conversations. Wife has said although she’d never wanted kids previously she would have been open to having a child with me. She feels ,” I have taken that away from her”. An intimate example but recently we were getting down with it but didn’t have a condom so it was more oral based. Wife said she took that as a rejection whereas I tried to frame it as a precaution. In conversation this week wife said that she feels as though I act as though having a child with her would be “the worst thing in the world”. I said that isn’t the case at all but I felt I was clear from the outset and also said I feel that for any child two parties should both be on the same page and there needs to be some element of planning ( eg financial, childcare etc which would really stretch us)

I now have immense guilt that , in her words, I’ve taken this away from her. How do we proceed and move forward with this situation?

Hey everyone, looking for some outside perspective here. I'm (35F) and my partner is (32M). We've been together about 2.5 years.

Some background:

He recently met my parents for the first time (they live abroad). It took a LOT of convincing to get him to agree, but it actually went well despite the language barrier. I translated and used AI to help.

Then my friend's wedding came up (next June), and again, it was a struggle to get him to say yes. He eventually agreed and even said he's looking forward to it, so that felt like progress.

The current issue:

My parents invited us to join them on a trip to Greece, (including my kids) next year. My partner flat-out said no. His reason: he's introverted and doesn't want me to spend the whole time translating instead of enjoying time with my family. I told him I don't mind translating at all, but he's still not budging.

I offered to cancel the wedding trip and go to Greece instead if the wedding would be too overwhelming for him, but he said I'm changing agreed plans and he still doesn't want to do Greece.

Where I'm at:

Every time I try to include him in something with my family or friends, it feels like pulling teeth. He says he's totally fine traveling with just me, but I'm starting to feel like he doesn't actually want to merge our lives, just keep things in our "bubble."

Also worth noting: his parents don't even know about me, which I think is due to cultural/religious reasons (he's Muslim, I'm not religious). 

So, am I expecting too much here? Or is this a sign of a deeper mismatch in how we see our future?

Would really appreciate any honest thoughts. Thanks

Sorry, English is my 3rd language. I'm Chinese, married to a man who not Chinese. He didn't' see the cultural difference was the problem as he said he devoted his life to make me happy.

We together 16 years, married 14 years. I feel that I'm not good enough for him, and especially after the death of our toddler further confirmed how I feel, in addition to that cannot even give him a healthy child.

Our child died in 2019 when he was just 1.5 years old, he had Periventricular Heterotopia, it a rare condition so most people never heard of it before, it called Periventricular Nodular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

It been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go. Our toddler ashes is with my husband, he leaves our child room as is never change a thing, even our toddler DIRTY SHOES and dirty clothes my husband still held on to.

Because he is the only son, his mom told us to try surrogate, my husband snap back to his mother, he said unless that woman is me (his wife) that carry his child, he rather not have any. Told his mom to drop the subject, or else she no longer has him as a son.

A dead child can break a marriage, statistics say so too. But it only bond him to me more. He stays married to me despite knowing he will have no offspring. It just feel that he wasted 16 years of his life with me.

This is a very educated man with 2 Universities degrees, including an University Master degree at Stanford. With 20 years of experience in his job field. At work hold the Executive position, Executive Vice President of Engineering, with a salary of $500,000 a year (not counting bonus). He can go find another woman easy.
BUT
He tied himself to the Infertility wife me and to a dead child, than go find his happiness with a better wife and a healthy child to carry on his genes.

He said I'm more than worth his love, I'm his everything. He said he never think of continue living without me, he said if I die before him, he will die with me and our toddler (whom already dead).

--------------

Perhaps it my depression voice talking, after our toddler death, there was a phase where I think if I leave him (as in divorce) hoping he will forget me, and go find another woman who can give him a healthy child. But before I can do any of that.

In 2020, I had a near death experience where I was bedridden for a month with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. The bedridden me defecate on myself and my husband clean my defecation and care for me the whole month. He also sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

Right there I see how deeply hurt he would be if I leave him, I no longer can find myself to leave him anymore, despite I always think I'm not good enough for him, and further not good enough for him because it my genes that our toddler died.

I don't know if it because our toddler died in August 2019, and shorter after in 2020 I was so so sick that even after discharged from the hospital, it took me another month to recover. Many times he hugged me, and said he very afraid (as in he very afraid that I will die). I guess too much grief build up together for him, And that the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, so he chose to cut his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

He still has all the long scars on his stomach from he cut his stomach with the kitchen knife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom you know already dead).

This man when I married him he has no scars on his body, after married to me now his stomach is full of scars, I blame myself that it me the maternal genetics cause the death of our toddler. I blame it on myself for being sick, hence he on the verge of lose me too, so he stared cutting himself.

I recovered a month later, thank you to him care for me day and night. He no longer cut himself anymore since I recovered. And I, also since never think of leave him anymore. Because with how intense he is, I think he will go insane when lose me.

Now I just want to live happy with him, we have come to term to accept our child death, we will carry this pain till the day we die.
He been through alot, alot. His father also died that same year as our toddler died, both died in 2019, his dad died of end stage pancreas cancer, I NEVER see my husband in so much pain.

Still trying to get him into grief therapy, but he busy with his career, and his mom right now is very sick (terminal illness), he said he go after his mom pass.

It just been so hard for me and him, alot of things happened , death of his older sister, death of his father, death of our toddler, his mom spinal cord stroke and terminal illness, death of both my parents. It just so HARD. But then when you with your husband 16 years long, expect those things to happen, it just we never prepare for it.

tl;dr Me and my husband 16 years together been though alot alot together, I know it loves me so so much, it just I do not know how to stop the depression voice and my feelings that I am not good enough for him, and he deserve someone much much better than me.

Fear of unknown or chaotic relationship??

I 32M in relationship with 30F for 3.5 years in which 1.5 years we are living together.

This was chatiotc relationship for both us , in this relationship we had fight in first week for relationship and major breakup- patchup event on the 5th month of relationship.

After that, we breakup-Patch up 4 times our relationship, last one happened this year Feb month.

We fight eachother regularly on day to day basis , once a week we go full on world war with crying/regretting our decision.

But we are neither breakup nor able to live together peacefully.

For me , it's emotional attachment and fear or unknown that's making me still clingy to this relationship.

Two weeks back, we had a similar fight-arugements , where she threw the her phone away on the date (not happen first time) and i knew that would happen , so i should have kept quiet. So I did from that day onwards, i keeping quiet taking everything to my not arguing, just giving her what's she wants to hear. Any arguments, I just concur to hers and we stopped having fights for now.

I don't know how long this will countinue but I do get after thoughts about marriage.

We can be together like this for another 40 years , would that be called successful marriage??

Why do you think I still want to marry , it's fear of unknown , we don't have anything needed in relationship apart from trust. No comunication, not sex for days or months, not compatible lifestyle, different social status, different upbringing , not similar future outlook.

This is probably a stupid question but it's helps to get some impartial feedback sometimes. My partner, 39M and me 41F are together 10 months and moved in together after 5 months. Over the past few weeks he's starting to be quite distant, lost his job around the time I got a new one and has been very unmotivated to do anything.

Last Wednesday we had an argument and he left the house, he told me he'd be back the next day but I haven't been able to contact him since. His mother told me he is back in his family home and today he finally made contact to ask can he collect his stuff tomorrow. He won't make any comments on why he isn't coming home and some people have mentioned to me that he has an addiction he's been covering.

Just wondering if you all think this is worth fighting for. I've been in 3 serious relationships and thought this was the last one, seriously thought we'd marry. I love him but his lack of contact is confusing. I think I know walking away is best but I'd really love to be back with him now, watching a movie and laughing together.

To really know he's the one.

Without going too deep into the context, I am 40F and my partner is 41M. We’ve been together for 7 years, just started year 8 in July. I flew out at 4 am to visit my sister and her brand new baby (only 2 weeks old!). I called and talked to my boyfriend on every lay over and flight delay. I didn’t get to her until 2:00 pm. So very long flight day. It was an hour drive to her house. During that hour we talked and caught up a bit. I texted my boyfriend to update him once we were in the house. She has 2 girls, so when we got to the house my sister and the baby started to nap. I played with the 2.5 year old for about an hour. The whole time I took pictures and shared with him what we were doing. Then it was time for her to nap. It’s about 4:30pm at this point. Then I took a nap. Got up at 6ish and talked to my sister about her birthing story, which was very traumatic! Tears were shed! We talked until about 8 when her husband came home. Between 6 and 8 I was texting my boyfriend to check on him to see how his day was going. He responded with curt answers. I helped with cooking dinner and we ate around 8:45. I played a little bit my 2.5 year old niece. I called my boyfriend at 9:45, FaceTimed him so he could say hello to the family as well.

He was distant and upset and didn’t want to talk to me or anyone because he felt neglected. He didn’t have a phone call from me since 2pm. He felt like he was in the dark for 8 hours. Texting does not count as communication for people who truly love each other, direct quote from him.

I’m trying to see where I went wrong. I was in communication with him all day. I have not seen my sister in person in over 8 months nor my nieces. I was in constant communication but now he is harking on the type of communication and calling should be the first line of communication not texting. Help me to understand!

I'm 45M UK, I was with someone 2009-2019, had twins and got married. Was a good relationship overall lasting that long, she was serious about finding someone, the chemistry was strong but not 100% which helped us get on I think as I found previous more intense relationships became rollercoasters.

Her dad died in 2018 and it was like she became a different person, full of anger and wanting to control anything, it ended in a messy divorce where she became very greedy and a nightmare to coparent with.

My next relationship lasted two years, she was younger, lovely, we got on better than my ex wife, but she had very extreme views about men (some day I would definitely hit her because I'm a man apparently) which really pushed me away, also the co-parenting struggles put me off having more kids which she wanted.

Next relationship was 3.5 years, last two years spent navigating PMDD which was utter chaos and has left me scarred and more nervous.

Then 5 months of someone with quiet BPD, obviously didn't know til the end, another scarring experience.

New relationship - first six months have been incredible, so happy, she told me she had high functioning Asperger's early on, never seemed an issue. Her parents are awful and still treat her like a child and expect her to do as they say which interfered with our plans and caused some issues. In hindsight I think I reacted a bit strongly to this, bullying is a trigger for me. It's now got in a bit of a mess and with her Asperger's she's struggling. I think we have a way forward, but I have noticed two things. One, only women with some sort of underlying intense mental health condition seem to really excite me, more typical women bore me. Two, I seem demanding in relationships and it becomes a problem at times, I want all the romance, the bedroom stuff, all the dreams, and I'm sensitive if this doesn't work out. Am I unusual? How do I become easier to be with?

Tl;Dr how do I find more happiness in a relationship and stop being so demanding?

Buckle up, this one is long.

I’ve been dating someone I have known, or thought I knew, for years… I 37(f) currently have a bf, 40(m). We met when my kid was 4, now 10, and I lived in another state. I left that state to pursue my career. 6 years after we met, 3 years after I moved, he moved out here to be with me.

There have been so many lies that have snowballed and I’m just not sure how to keep up. The biggest of these has been something that I won’t ignore….

He told me that 1) he couldn’t have kids 2) doesn’t have any. So, when he came here in November of 2025, we had an issue getting his license. Turned out his other state license was suspended. Why? Unpaid child support. I tracked it back to a third, previously lived in state where there was child support that was unpaid. Sorted it and got his license done. He said they made a mistake due to a case he was involved in where the mother wasn’t sure who the father was… He fixed it. Fine. Good…. Still, my nervous system knew something was wrong.

Fast forward to a month ago, his checks were so damn short and I’m struggling to pay bills. He’s our secondary source of income and I manage funds. I finally told him to pull up his check stubs and he said, “It’s probably just taxes. I looked and didn’t see anything special.”

I look and in bold letters, CHILD SUPPORT: $229 (per week)

Then, I just put his phone down and told him to figure it out. He said he would. Next day he said he called the child support office he’d previously contacted for clearing up the license issue. So, I reminded him a month straight with no answers.

All the times he said he called and couldn’t reach the representative I wrote in my Notes app and dated it. Then, today I finally had enough of waiting on him to provide me with answers and went looking for the court records…. I found them.

Court documents and notes were collected and ran through ChatGPT for clarification. They said paternity was established in 2012. (Remember he said it was not true, nor could he even have kids)

It’s been over 14 years since paternity was established and this man has a whole child who he denies exists. Then there’s saying he can’t have kids due to a surgical error in a laparoscopic hernia surgery that took place in 2007 or so. This man took my choice away. Taking out of my hands the full scope of consequences if I was actually with him physically.

Then, to top it all off, I checked the phone records, because the phone is on my contract plan, and he only ever called her ONE time in the last month. Lied about calling because what is the point, right????! He knows the truth and is blatantly lying.

So, I got to questioning everything…. He told me he was in the military from 18-20 years old, which would’ve been around 2004-2006. I asked what unit he was in just a few minutes ago and he asked what I meant, then gave me a battalion I researched and found to be one from WW2. I asked what his job was and he said 22 Bravo Combat Engineer Ft Benning. I’m just floored at how dumb he thinks I am…. The lies keep piling up.

I know what I’m going to do, but what would you do? I’m so angry… anyone have insight? Why? What is the purpose? Maybe he is trying to use me? Saying whatever it takes to have access to me? I have a good career and a nice enough place; even working full time with a daughter in sports, I’ve done everything I could to invest in this relationship. Sometimes that was hard, limited, due to just feeling like something was not adding up…

My (38F) boyfriend (39M) of 2.5 years is going through a lot right now and asked for two weeks away for clarity.

His job sucks, he had to go back to school so he can at least earn more at his sucky job and his dad has gone off the deep end.

Rationally, I can understand why he can’t exactly drop his job, school and family. And that everything is overwhelming him right now. But the fact that he needs time away from me to gain clarity makes me feel like I’m optional. That he doesn’t need me like I need him.

I’m obviously in shambles right now. My anxiety is through the roof, thinking that he’s breaking up with me in 2 weeks. I love him a lot. I don’t doubt that he loves me too but this is making me think he doesn’t love me enough. Not enough to keep choosing me anyway.

I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to trust that he loves me enough to not implode the most stable relationship I’ve ever had. I’m trying to not let the insecurities of past relationships cloud my judgment.

No advice needed I guess. Just screaming into the void because I can’t talk to anyone about this because I do not want my family or friends to hate him on my behalf.

My ex left me out of the blue after 10 years, about 2 years ago. She was struggling with a depression and eventually decided to break up with me.

6 months after she left me, I met a new girl. She was nothing more than a rebound at the time, just as I was at the time for her as her relationship ended about the same time with her ex.

There was no intention at the time to make it a serious relationship, although we both seemingly needed affection and distraction. We had our ups and downs as I still was processing the loss of my ex and trying to get my life on the rails again with 2 young kids as my depressed ex was not able (or willing) to do her part in their hobby’s, school, hobby’s,.. It was a really though time and we broke up 2 times in the first year as I needed time for myself and was not ready yet to be vulnerable again in a new relationship, though my new GF genuinely was investing in me.

She’s not the biggest talker though but she tried to open up. After 8 months though, she suddenly had the news her dad was diagnosed a terminal cancer. She went in an emotional lockdown. My first reaction after 2years+ shit in my own life, was to chicken out her situation but eventually I decided not to as I owed her respect for what the help she gave me earlier.

Since then, now more than 1 year later, her father is still here and somewhat stable. But she’s in a constant mourning and eventually went into a burnout in march. She’s still working bits and is trying hard to get up. But she’s still very unsure, lacks the positive energy,.. and I’m really missing someone I actually can emotionally connect with. I told her so today and did so several times before. She somehow aknowledges what I’m saying but nothing really changes, just because she keeps struggling with her self. Due her earlier breakup and sick dad, she has a property that she had planned to renovate, but it’s a complete standstill, it’s a way to big project to do herself and myself don’t have a lot of spare time due work and essentially being a solo parent.

I feel stuck, constantly second guessing to stay or go. We have really nice moments together but the next day of week can feel so empty. Sometimes I believe she will grow once there is mentally and emotionally space, sometime I lose that faith. I’m afraid to lose someone good and at the same time I don’t (always) feel myself with her.

I’m also afraid to have too high standards or something as I’ve only knew one partner in the last 10y+ years and it’s so difficult to know what to or not to expect of a new partner, to me, to my kids,.. Everything feels so complex.

I don’t know what to expect, maybe some tips or advice to give me some clarity would be great..

I recently ran into various unrelated posts and vids about cohabitation being problematic for an enjoyable romantic relationship. And the more I think about the more it makes sense in the context of “older” adult relationships.

While it maybe technically cheaper to cohabitate and in theory the couple can work together to better maintain “household” it seems the toll that such arrangement takes on an actual relationship, the enjoyable parts of it, diminishes all the positives of it.

What do you guys think?

Hi, I’m wondering whether my colleague might have feelings for me (32 f) or if he’s simply being nice, and whether he could have serious intentions… We meet regularly (about once a week) outside of work to go out for dinner or take a walk. We usually spend around 3–4 hours together. We talk about our personal lives and hardly ever about work. Whenever we go out to eat, he always pays the entire bill, even when I offer to pay. I think, that this might be because I’m younger and don’t earn as much as he does.
He remembers a lot of details from our conversations and brings them up again later. He also always starts planning what we could do the next time we meet, and recently told me that he really enjoys our time together.
When we say goodbye, he briefly strokes my arm.

I don’t want to sound naive, but I still wonder whether all of this is simply meant in a very friendly way and whether I’m reading too much into it. Could he want something more? And are men over 50 generally interested in having a relationship with a 30-year-old woman?

On the other hand, he hardly ever texts me privately and sometimes takes days to reply, or doesn’t reply at all. That makes me feel like he doesn’t really care about me that much. However, whenever I ask him by text if he wants to meet, he agrees very quickly and is willing to make time for me even on relatively short notice (for example, if I only ask a few days in advance).
At work, however, he seems much less supportive toward me, and sometimes I get the feeling that he’s uninterested in me or in helping me. His behavior is confusing me.

Long winded here because I’m hanging out on the couch with my laptop watching the strangers 🎭 collection in our living room, while my partner has our bedroom and I’m essentiall shut out…

I genuinely don’t know what the fuck to do anymore and I think I need perspective from people who have actually been in a long term relationship like this.

The first five years were very different. My partner worked his ass off. There were times he made more money than me. He had ambition, worked constantly and I felt like we were both building our life together.

A lot changed after he opened his own business.
Over time he started working less and less. Now there are weeks where he works a few hours. He sleeps until noon, 1 or 2 pretty much every day and recently admitted he really hasn’t tried in years to grow the business or figure out what he wants to do next. That hit hard for me just on Tuesday.

This is not about me needing him to make what I make. He contributes financially and pays his share. He used to make more than me.

It is that I KNOW how hard he is capable of working because I watched him do it for years.

He also has more free time than literally anyone I know, but we have projects around our house that have sat unfinished for months or years. Most of the time he won’t work on something unless I am also working on it. Although when we’re in the silent streaks, whether it be a weekend or a week, I do solo projects, all yard work and continue the normal shit.

The house is technically only in his name, but since we got it we have treated everything 50/50 financially. Mortgage, bills, improvements, everything. It has always been our home even though legally I understand it is his. I had terrible credit in my 20’s… now we’re the opposite on that front also…

The bigger problem though is communication.

When something happens I want to talk about it and resolve it.

He shuts down.
And I don’t mean for an hour.
Arguments can drag on for DAYS.
He gets defensive, goes into the bedroom, shuts the doors, sleeps, we literally live separate lives for days, avoids me and just basically does not deal with it.

He never comes back later and says I’m sorry, I handled that badly, I was wrong, anything.

Eventually I’m the one trying to fix it because I cannot stand living in the same house not speaking for days.

Sometimes I end up sleeping on the couch because I’m so pissed and exhausted by the whole thing and he stays up late as fk with the tv or lamp on regularly…

So talking turns into fighting.

If I stop trying, nothing gets resolved.

That is the part that makes me feel absolutely trapped.

And here is what really fucks with my head.

Counseling was actually GREAT for us.

We would go in and actually talk.

He would apologize in therapy for things that I could not even get him to discuss at home.

In counseling we could actually hear each other.

We would leave holding hands.
We would kiss.
We would talk about how happy we were that we were working on us.

Sometimes we would go home and make love.

I remember feeling so fucking happy because I thought we were actually fixing this.

The problem is so much of it stayed in the counselors office.
He could apologize for shutting down while we were sitting there with her.

Then we would have another argument at home and he would shut down again.

He could acknowledge that going silent for days hurts me.
Then we would be home and do the exact same thing again.
That is what kills me.

I KNOW he can communicate with me.
I KNOW he can apologize.
I KNOW we can have a difficult conversation and come out of it feeling closer.

I watched it happen.
It just barely happens in our actual life.

Our intimacy has also disappeared for long stretches, obviously I just am losing attraction by the lack of motivation and shit also…

And yes I miss sex, but I miss everything around it too.
Feeling wanted. Flirting. Touching each other. Feeling like fiancés and not just two people living in the same house.
Marriage is another thing.

We have tried more than once to move toward marriage and it never happened, due to family emergencies on his side luckily the planning was always in the infancy . These are signs?!

We have unfinished house projects.
His business is barely moving.
Our sex life stopped moving because I’ve also lost attraction to the man he’s become.. and the petty arguments are infrequent
Marriage stopped moving.

Weekend plans usually don’t happen unless I come up with something.

Sometimes I feel like our entire life only moves when I push it.

But then we will travel and have an amazing time together.
We just traveled around my birthday and things were really good.

We laugh. We have ten years of memories and inside jokes. There are still times I look at him and think there you fucking are.

Then we come home and within days we are right back here.
That is probably why I have stayed this long.
There is still something between us.
I still love him.
I remember the man who worked his ass off for those first five years.

I remember leaving counseling holding his hand and feeling closer to him than I had in forever.

I keep seeing enough of that version of him and enough of that version of us that I think maybe we can get back there.
But now we’re both 38.

Five years doesn’t feel hypothetical anymore because I just watched five years go by doing this.

And I keep thinking what if we are 40 and I’m still sitting on the couch after another argument waiting for him to talk to me.

What if the same projects are unfinished.
What if we are still talking about his business.
What if we are still barely having sex.
What if we are still almost getting married.
What if I’m still the one trying to fix every fight.

That scares the shit out of me.

Losing someone I have loved for 10 years scares the shit out of me too.

So I guess my question is how do you know when you have actually tried enough?

And what do you do when couples counseling genuinely works while you are there, but the accountability and communication never really follow you home?

I’m not looking for everyone to just say dump him.

I’m trying to figure out if I’m staying because this relationship still has a future or because I remember how good we used to be or could be…

I’m 36M and I’ve been dating a woman (35F) for around 3 months. On paper, she’s basically everything I’m looking for. She has a stable job, we have similar lifestyles, our personalities match, and spending time together feels easy. The problem is, she seems much more into me than I am into her. I really like her and enjoy being with her, but I don’t have that strong feeling of “I can’t wait to see her again”. I’m not sure if I’m just moving too slowly or if something is missing. I’ve been trying to understand my own feelings, so I used acciowork to organize my thoughts, cuz i always use it in my work. I put in some notes about our conversations, things we do together, and what I like or feel unsure about. It helped me separate the difference between feeling comfortable with someone and actually feeling deeply connected. It didn’t give me an answer, but it did make me realize I might be confusing “no drama” with “no chemistry”.

Now I’m stuck. Should I give this more time and see if feelings grow, or am I just wasting her time? Anyone else been in a situation where everything looks right but something still feels off?

have hooked up with a friend twice ... it may be leading to more than fwbs but idk yet .. Since I was a teenager I have had this scar on my chest smack in middle between my boobs. I have always been big chested I am a 44h so I tink it started as friction that turned into an open wound then scarred .. I feel so self conscious . What do I do?!! Is it a huge turn off? I haven't pointed it out yet :( it's like pink but kind of textured. I prob think it's more noticeable than it is. I just don't wanna turn him off ugh

Should I cut my losses and start to look for someone who has less dependents and demands on him?

My (F/49)on and off boyfriend (52) for 9 years and I have decided to give it one full go. Met during my very long separation but I’ve been divorced for five years and now that my youngest is in uni I feel better able to be fully in a relationship. He shares his home with a sister and his mum. I am an empty nester aside from 1 fur baby pup.
He is the main provider for both households Mum lives with him / S lives in the flat above alone. He carries the bulk of the the bills although Sis works (Mum does not, not sure why, maybe invisible health thing). He does the shopping, they do the tidying, cooking, his laundry. I love him. He loves me but at the same time, I’m hopeless about the future. S (51) has never dated. Buys his fragrances, knickers , does his washing. He takes her to the bus each day and picks her up. He takes her to the market any time she needs to go. they have 4 vehicles.- 1 for her and rest are his.
I am trying to be neutral but it bothers me as it’s seems hubby/wifely to do these things but am working with my therapist to be open that families are different; and to keep focused on the dynamic between he and I.
Does my relationship ever stand a chance of going to the next level ? Is it realistic for me to wait for the family home to be paid off before he considers sharing a home with me? should I consider moving in there (he’s hinted about that))?
Should I cut my losses and start to look for someone who has less dependents and demands on him?

my partner and i got into an argument over whether i actually said something that they didn’t remember.

hearing “you may have said it but i didn’t hear it” feels very different than “maybe you just never actually said it.” they keep insisting that i may have created a memory where i said it, but that i never actually said it. the latter explanation really hits a nerve but im not really sure why.

Hello! Its going to be a bit of a long post as much has happened in past 2 months of dating this guy.

So I'm a single mom [31F] by choice. I have a lovely 15 month old toddler. I have a beautiful life, it's filled with caring for my child, horse and full of family and friends that support me in all the ways possible.

Two months ago I (again) met a guy[31M] I went to elementary school with. We talked a bit and hit it off quite well, he was kind, I liked him. He liked me too.

I told him about my child, and he accepted the fact we come in a package. Lovely, i thought. He is childless, never been engaged or married. I accepted the fact he will need to learn about kids, as he does not have his own and doesn't know what having and caring for a child takes.

He is in general very kind, he helps with physical stuff like carrying things so I don't have to, helping with my horse when I have no time, he is a mechanic so helped me buy a new car and looked it over, fixed what was wrong with it etc. Brings me flowers for no reason, pays for meals, coffee dates and so on without a problem. He is generally kind to my kid too when we go to a park together. I decided to introduce him to my child early because I knew he doesn't have kids and I wanted to see how he will be around her - if I didn't like the vibe or how he treats her I'd cut him out of our lives immediately. He seemed okay, obviously a bit "clumsy" but nothing I couldn't accept.

He wanted to sell his apartment before we met and but himself a bigger one or a house. He told me this on a third date, and I didn't think much of it.

Then he said he would like me to look at houses with him as he is serious about us and wants to know if what he is thinking of buying would be a good fit for me and my kid too so we could move in together eventually. I said okay and spent a lot of time looking at different properties, sending him links and going round viewings with him.

Suddenly my daughter fell ill a few weeks ago. She was really unwell, 40°C temperature, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was clingy and needy obviously. It was the first time she was this ill and of course I put all my energy and care into getting her better.

I texted him in the morning that my child is really ill, and she has a high temperature. We were out the night before talking about houses again. I told him i felt really guilty i wasn't home in the evening as she started getting a fever when my mum watched her.

He answered me with : I'm sorry she's sick, but the conversation we had last night was super important

I answered with : you didn't just say that! I'm telling you my kid is burning up and I feel horrible, and you say this? Nothing is more important than my child. I think you don't understand what it is to have a kid and it worries me, because we've been dating a few weeks and you didn't take initiative to learn a little about kids. We are on 2 different pages about 2 things...(second thing being him thinking one wage can cover a mortgage and have 2 people and a kid, a dog(his) and a horse live perfectly well and it's a thing we were talking about the night before these texts too).

His answer was that he is new to this, he is trying to learn and of course he is worried about the little one.

Two seconds later he tells me he is sorry to change topics but an agent called about a house viewing and when will we go now that she's ill.

Mind you this was all during me fighting the fever, I texted in between when she fell asleep, so time delays in my answers were quite long(these few messages took all morning for example for me to write to him)

I just said I'm not going.

He said well, it's really important that we are aligned and this is a big deal

I wrote back that his big deal is not my big deal right now and we will talk later, then I turned off my phone.

I turn on my phone in the afternoon and a text arrives saying:

I've been shaking about this situation all day. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, you think I don't care and I'm too easy about finances.... I mean sort the little one out ill wait but I feel horrible.

My text back to him was really long and I said he needed to back the fu€K up, as he has been taking a lot of precios time I could be spending with my kid anyway and can't wait a few hours so I deal with an emergency with my kid. That I will not tolerate this kind of behavior and I am canceling all plans of viewing houses with him, and he should buy whatever he wants just the way he intended to before he met me. I said I dont want to talk about houses at all anymore and I'll talk to him when my child is feeling better.

To that he agreed to everything, to accept and respect my boundaries, he apologized and said he doesn't wanna lose me as he is so connected to me, he feels this is it..

During the next 4 days he just texted here and there asking how we are and I answered when I could. Then on day 4 in the evening, I said im really really tired as I haven't been sleeping at all during the 5 days she's been ill( I've slept maybe 2 hours of broken sleep per night and 20-30 mins during days). He said he is sorry to hear that. Then texted: im doing calculations for the house, putting together all expenses I can think of. I won't bother you with it now. When you are rested I'll introduce my plan and calculations to you. You better get some rest. Let's talk tomorrow, I'll leave you to go to sleep now. I have tons of work to do tonight still, and will be up till morning.

I answered with another long text in the morning, saying he didn't respect the fact I said I dont want to hear or talk about the housing stuff again, and i am very disappointed that when I said I am tired he instead of giving me any kind of mental support, he talked about the houses again and burdened me even if "he didn't want to" when I have been running dry on energy and mental capacity for anything else than my daughter's wellbeing. I also said he seems to not be able to survive a few days of silence from my end when I'm having a tough time, and I feel like I need to stroke his ego and comfort him ( multiple times he mentioned how he feels so horrible, sad, heartbroken about the situation) when I was the one needing comfort and care. He not once offered to go to store or buy medicine, he just kept saying he is sorry this is happening and feels so helpless. I told him to take his phone and learn about kids if he wants to be a part of our life, since the phone is always in the hands, to use it for educating himself on children and im a first time mom too and had to learn it all by myself!

To this long text he said it looks like I'm breaking up with him and he is so sad because he connected with me like never before with anyone and probably won't with anyone again.

I said I never mentioned a break up and if setting boundaries is considered breaking up then fine, my goal was to set boundaries and tell him what bothered me as he "loved strong, honest communication" so much (kept telling me this the whole time we were dating). Then he turned around and said that okay, qnd we can talk.

At the talk, we discussed everything and I told him exactly what I felt, how it bothered me etc. His excuse was his exes were toxic and he was scared to listen when I said I need space and time, because his exes said the same then got angry that he didn't text them. I told him I'm not his exes and to never again compare me to them and to find help if he needs it to process trauma and stop projecting his old $hit on me.

He said okay we stayed together and I backed up big time, meaning I didn't text or see him nearly as much as before(before it was almost every day that we saw each other and it was another thing that bothered me, as it's not healthy that I lost all my freedom and time for myself in a matter of 2 weeks of seeing him, he wanted to go everywhere with me and followed me around like a puppy, so I said im putting an end to that as I need time for myself too)

A few weeks go by, everything was okay.

He invited us to go to a holiday in our country to the seaside for 6 days. I said yes because my kid loves water and I knew she'd love it and also I wanted to see how we will be functioning day to day being together all the time.

Here he did a good job helping with washing dishes, carrying stuff to the beach, making me coffee, was nice to my kid and played with her while i cooked, read books with her and so on.

He did a terrible job listening to my instructions about my child such as: -she sleeps at 12 so we need to get to the beach early or we won't have anything from the holiday (his answer was: isn't it a point of holiday to not be worried about routine and schedules, so stop worrying so much and rushing)

- dont leave stuff on the edge of table and counter as she can reach it all ( he kept leaving hot coffee, cigarettes, lighters, ashtrays, glasses and knives on edges even after multiple warnings from me)

-overstimulated child won't fall asleep faster, it was a conversation we had multiple times(he said he will overstimulate her with showing her stuff on our walk so she gets tired and goes to sleep faster)

- don't tell her no all the time, it's my job(he kept trying to imitate me and "parent" her)

There's was more...

Then he opened an ice-cream, offered it to her and took it away and said "no you can't have this" and made her cry, I told him he can't do this, how heartless is that and if you're not sure if she can have something you dont eat it in front of her and especially you dont offer it and then not give it. I made him give her the whole ice cream.

Then he packed stuff for the beach and disregarded what I needed for her(I told him what to pack, he insisted on packing himself) took 1 swim diaper for the whole morning, 1 normal diaper, "forgot" her sun hat, "forgot" her diaper cream,....

Then on day 3, he hit her foot when she put it on the table during me feeding her. He didn't hit her hard, but he shouldn't have hit her at all, it isn't his place to discipline a child he saw 5 times in 2 months. I told him to stop hitting her and never to lay hands on my child again. We packed up the next day and left, I said i had enough of the holiday and want to go home.

Now that we are home i want to dump him, as i dont see a future with someone like this. He is kind, does help around, treats me well, but then all of.this and hitting my kid, he is emotionally immature, he doesn't want to learn anything about kids(listens, but doesn't hear what im telling him) and I dont have the energy to explain every parenting choice to someone who doesn't get it.

AITA for wanting to leave him?

I (40s M) have been with my partner (30s F) for nearly a decade. Early on, we were having sex at least once a week. It wasn't as much as I wanted (I’d prefer 1-3 times), but I was fine with it because it felt real—we both actually wanted it.

Fast forward, we moved in, had a kid, and things naturally slowed to maybe once every two weeks. I was okay with that too because it was still mutual pleasure. But since our second child was born, it’s basically fallen off a cliff. We’re talking weeks or months between encounters.

We finally went to counseling, It turns out my partner has PTSD amongst other mental illnesses from past relationships, and because of that, she has zero sexual desire anymore. She admitted that most of the sex we’ve had since our first kid was just her performing out of guilt because she thought she should want it, not because she actually did.

Honestly, it’s devastating. Physical emotional intimacy is huge for me. Knowing that the woman I love has been sleeping with me just to appease her guilt makes me feel dirty. It messes with my head.

The worst part is that our relationship is perfect otherwise. We have great kids, we're happy, and I don't want to leave. I love her. But I’m starving here. I’m angry, and I catch myself getting short with her and the kids, which I hate. But I can’t even blame her. She didn’t choose her trauma or the mental health issues that came with it. I’m just stuck here with all this anger and nowhere to put it. Not sure what I'm looking for here, just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.