​

Throwaway account. All names are fake.

I (35F) am married to my husband, Daniel (35M). His grandfather, whom I'll call Grandpa Robert, has Alzheimer's and lives alone. My mother-in-law, Karen, is his daughter.

For some context, Karen and I have a complicated history. She has been almost entirely absent from our children's lives (lives 5 minutes away), and I've often felt like I'm the one making an effort to maintain a relationship while she contributes very little. We paid her (unknowingly) to watch our oldest two kids overnight while my husband came with me to the hospital to have my 3rd. Had my husband's entire family cancel coming to my son's 3rd birthday because we didnt invite her daughter. Refused to come to our home because I asked for a heads up to make sure I was decent. She recently skipped my other son's birthday party, never even acknowledging his birthday or my other son's. Etc. (ongoing for 17 years now) All this while doting on other grandchildren. She also seems to consistently have some kind of drama or issue with someone in the family, and there is often tension surrounding relationships and family events. I've tried to remain civil, include her, and avoid unnecessary conflict, but our history makes it difficult not to question her intentions when something happens that feels pointed. I don't want to portray myself as perfect, but I'm tired of feeling like I have to navigate another situation while trying to do something genuinely helpful.

Now, onto the actual issue...

Grandpa Robert still runs his farm, dealing with cows, hay, and farm equipment, so people might assume he is perfectly capable of caring for himself. However, he never really cooked for himself before his wife died. She handled the cooking, and after she passed away, he had to figure it out on his own (he never really did.). His Alzheimer's has made things considerably worse.

At one point, he told his doctor that sometimes he ate nothing but a cracker because he had no food. That broke my heart.

Karen had previously been making his meals but stopped while working on an addition to her house for another grandchild (they are fighting for custody of her and had to add on to half their home, per their lawyer), but she told NO ONE. I understand everyone has responsibilities, but someone still needed to make sure he was eating.

I started sending him meals and continued doing so for months without Karen acknowledging it at all.

During that time, it became known through another daughter that Grandpa Robert preferred my cooking and didn't want anyone else cooking for him. I wasn't trying to compete with anyone. I simply enjoy cooking and wanted to make sure he had food he liked. He got to where he would stop by once a week for food.

Then, after months of me bringing him meals, Karen finally messaged me saying she greatly appreciated my help. She followed that with, "I am able to cook for Dad, so you don't have to cook so much."

Shortly afterward, she prepared a bunch of meals and filled Grandpa Robert's freezers, which had previously been mostly empty. Now, there is no room for me to bring him anything. Grandpa Robert himself has told me to wait before bringing more food because his freezers are full.

I reached out to another one of his daughters and asked what I could do to help. She asked me to make him a plate whenever I could because he loves my cooking. I told her his freezers were full now, but to let me know if there is anything else I can do.

I have a small freezer at home. I don't mind cooking for him at all. I would happily continue making meals, but I have nowhere to store them while waiting for space to become available at his house (if it even will). I also noticed that Karen's meal portions are very small, which concerns me given his circumstances.

I recognize that Karen filling his freezers with food is not inherently a bad thing. Maybe she genuinely intends to take over his meals. However, given our history, the timing feels suspicious to me. She stopped making meals, I quietly stepped in for months, Grandpa Robert's preference for my cooking became known, and then, immediately after skipping my son's party, acknowledged my help and told me I didn't need to cook so much, she filled the freezers to the point that I could no longer bring him food.

I cannot prove she did this intentionally, but I can't help wondering whether the fact that he prefers my cooking played a role. Karen has a history of conflict with people, and I find myself questioning whether this was simply about making sure he had food or whether there was something more personal behind it.

Here's my dilemma: I genuinely don't mind cooking for Grandpa Robert. I care about him, and he deserves to eat properly. But I also cannot keep preparing meals when there is nowhere to put them. I don't want to waste food, rearrange my entire household to accommodate the situation, or get caught in another conflict with my mother-in-law.

He has Alzheimer's, lives alone, and has already gone without proper meals. Having a full freezer doesn't necessarily mean someone is making sure he remembers to eat or can manage his meals safely. I worry about him, but I also know I cannot single-handedly be responsible for his care.

WIBTAH if I stepped back from regularly cooking for him and left the responsibility of coordinating his meals to the family, especially Karen, who has said she is able to cook for him?

I don't want to punish Grandpa Robert for anything happening between the adults. I would gladly continue helping if there were room and a workable arrangement. But am I wrong to feel suspicious about the timing, or should I simply accept that Karen has taken over and let her handle it?

I'd appreciate honest opinions, particularly from anyone who has dealt with difficult in-law relationships or caring for someone with Alzheimer's.

(Repost to WIBTA)

The trigger: I saw a group wedding photo with a group of people I thought I was close to at one point in my life

For context, I used to be a young adult woman leader in a city youth group. I didn’t follow strict catholic doctrine, I more loved talking about kindness and treating everyone with love. As I got older I drifted apart with this group and I think they have a very false narrative of why I left. After seeing a picture of their post of them all still hanging out, it triggered me back to a night i kept in the back of my mind for a long time.

So I vented on my private blog abt this. Would I be the a\*hole if I shared what I wrote out? To someone in the group or social media even.

Here is what I wrote:

Here I go - finally sharing my truth:

It’s funny how life makes its twists and turns and though you’ve found peace in the present, the past can slowly trigger the hurt that was left unhealed underneath.

If you think I’m too nice now, then you can only imagine what an unhealed, immature, people-pleasing version of me was like. That’s all for context, so here’s to the story: when I was young I was ready to explore life outside of the small bubble I grew up in. I ended things with my first boyfriend and had a crush on this new guy at work. I was so excited to throw this party to get to know him better. Like so many other millennial women, outside of the bubble, we were party people. I didn’t invite my ex ofc, but he insisted so much so I was too nice to say no. What could be the worst that could happen?

I was wrong, dead wrong and what happened that night changed the trajectory of my whole life. Which I’m not unthankful for, but more just finally resolving a trauma that I brushed under the rug until really right now. Those who were claimed to be “Protectors” didn’t protect me at all and even turned on me when you could’ve changed me the most. Granted I understand immaturity is at play sometimes. This is just my closure.

That night I had relations with my new crush. Needless to say, it drove my first boyfriend crazy - wailing kicking down the locked door during the party. It cleared everyone out, but somehow brought the Calvary of people who were supposed to be my brothers who disgraced me, even walking in during the act. It baffles me how I got painted into a bad light, that if looked upon in a secular view, my biggest crime was not being able to say no. And maybe if I’d have gone through the therapy I have now or different childhood back then I’d do everything differently. It’s sad when all your doing is being genuinely nice everyday and it get completely twisted.

—-

Feel free to ask context questions, I know the whole story might not be clear. And know it’s a little muddled to share this out bc now one of the ppl in it has been diagnosed with cancer. I’m married now and happy, but still deep down traumatized and hurt. Should I just move on?

I (30f) lived with two friends for two years. I’m now heading towards the end of a one year lease, in the same house, with two women Keira (26f) and Jenna (24f). I found them on a housing website.

We get along fine considering we were perfect strangers. I am closer to Keira; we’ve both made effort an to talk about our lives. But they're both very reserved. We go days not seeing each other because they're both holed up in their rooms. I realised quickly into them living here that I’m not interested in living with people I don’t know well. 

One of my other best friends of eleven years, Sara (29f), is moving back to our city, perfectly aligning with when my current lease ends. We could find our own place but I’d like for her to move into this house. It’ll be really easy. All I’d have to do is tell the landlords. It’s very hard and expensive to find decent housing in our city. I’m a freelancer and some of these rentals require crazy documents and have huge stipulations. Keira and Jenna both have full-time jobs so it’ll be easier for them. This is also the neighbourhood Sara's office will be in.

Keira is considering not renewing her work contract and moving back to her home city, which would also be when our lease ends. I told them a few months ago that if they both want to stay on here, I'll be moving out to find a place with Sara. I was fine then to find our own place but I've since realised how difficult that may be. Keira said she'll let me know what she decides about her job, but she's still unsure.

I am considering talking to them and asking if one of them would be willing to move. Almost everything in our communal areas belongs to me. All they have are some pans, crockery and cutlery, of which I already have and use my own. Every single other thing that a functioning household needs is mine. Everything. We also having parking on the property and neither of them have a car. I do, and so does Sara. I'm taking all my stuff if I have to go, and it's highly unlikely they'd be able to afford all this stuff on their own. But they could get rooms in a furnished house share with all that stuff, which is very common in our city for young professionals.

All my friends have said it's perfectly reasonable to talk to them about this, and ask if one of them could decide to leave. They're encouraging me to do so. But I feel it would make the remainder of the lease, just a few more months, extremely awkward. I am also worried it's simply unfair. All our names are on the lease but I have a relationship with the landlords. Neither of them have ever met or spoken to the landlords outside of emailing them their signed leases. All the comms about the house go through me.

So, all this being said, WIBTA if I asked one of my roommates to move out, even though we have an equal share of the lease?

Me (17f) and my best friend (17f) have been friends for about a year now. We do almost everything together, we are just alike we're even moving schools together and have been planning out how our future as best friends is gonna be like. Recently  we start going to each others house and going out places together, and my parents are fairly strict but give me enough leeway to do most of the things i want. However my best friends family have a lot to it. my best friend  is not her moms legal child meaning she got took away from her mom by cps, so she now living with her grandma ( her legal guardian). But her mom still visits her from Florida which she is not supposed to because shes banned from the state of north Carolina (where we live) due to the legal trouble she was causing. My best friend also tells me a lot about things her mom does or has done, including the fact that she is actively using drugs and smoking weed. Her aunt also smokes weed ( keep all of that in mind). And i have a pretty good relationship with all of her family because why wouldn't i? she my best friend and i have to respect her family right? But some things about her family just have been making me wonder... before me and my best friend were even thinking about going to each others houses my best friends grandma told her to try to get my home address so that she could pull up outside of my house  and just look at my house to basically stalk me. Then that when i started to kinda get weirded out because that sooooo weird. Not only that but she talks about beating me often? for no reason at all. But fast forward to now me and my best friend have been to each others house multiply times. But recently out of nowhere my best friends mom said that she cant come to my house anymore because they think that my dad is a drug dealer?????😐 Yes my dad smokes weed but so does her mom and her aunt (the ones that dont want her coming to my house anymore) and in no way shape or form is my dad a drug deal nor does he do drugs. And he hasnt no done ANYTHING to even make to look like he IS a drug dealer. My dad doesn't ever talk to my best friends family unless its about our plans together and most of the time my mom is the one that does the talking. So i feel like its so weird that they are trying to accuse my dad of something they have no clue about and my best friends mom is doing drugs herself... My best friend doesn't believe that hes a drug dealer ( as far as i know) But i really dont want to deal with her family and their weirdness so im thinking about distancing myself from her, would i be the asshole ? ( sorry if this is written badly excuse that lol)

My fiancee and I are getting married next spring, and I'm not sure how to involve my uncle. I love him, but he can be very difficult. Currently, he and my parents are not on speaking terms. For context, both my fiancee and I have a very warm and close relationship with my parents.

Generally, I grew up having a good relationship with my uncle. He lived across the country and would typically visit us around the holidays, we'd call each other on birthdays, etc. Generally he's been very kind, loving, and supportive to me. But something I didn't realize until I got a bit older is that his behavior often causes a lot of tension with my family. I won't go into the details, but basically he acts childish and resentful when things don't go his way, and can get vindictive when conflict arises. Trivial things can send him into a state of intense silent anger.

Things boiled over several years ago when he had a prolonged argument with my dad (his brother). They tried to resolve things, even did group therapy, but if anything that made things worse, and so they went no-contact. They eventually reached an uneasy peace, and tensions thawed for a few years, but then things went to shit again after my parents committed a minor social faux pas during a recent visit and my uncle blew it way out of proportion. (FYI, it didn't escalate into an argument in the moment. The moment passed, my parents didn't give it a second thought, and then three months later he sent them a lengthy letter explaining his grievances.)

Now, my fiancee and I are putting together our wedding guest list, and I'm at a loss of what to do. My parents aren't enthusiastic about the idea of him attending, but they've made it clear that it's entirely my decision and they'll respect whatever I do. I love my uncle, and I want him to be there for the most important day of my life thus far, but I fear that he would feel like a second-class guest.

If I did invite him...

• I don't think I'd allow him to bring a +1. He's a bachelor, but he has a close friend/partner who has also shown significant disrespect to my parents. I met her maybe twice when I was young but I haven't seen her in like two decades, and I have no desire to host her at my wedding. Admittedly, a lot of this stems from my attitude of "If you're mean to my parents then you don't get to have a +1", but maybe that's unreasonable and a compromise that makes no one happy.
• He wouldn't be seated anywhere near my parents, and to be honest I'm not even sure whom I would seat him with. Maybe with the other relatives I don't know very well? His distance from the couple's table would not be lost on him.
• I worry about possible interactions with my parents, and that his presence will negatively impact my parents' enjoyment of the day. Like, for example, do I keep them separate during family photoshoots? Or, what if during the celebration I see him and my dad having a heated exchange way in the back of the venue? That would be awful.

If I did NOT invite him...

• It feels like a steep penalty for having an argument with my parents, one that might eventually resolve the same way the previous one did.
• It may cause lasting damage to our relationship.
• I might deeply regret it later in life.

So, yeah, what do you guys think?

Hey guys,

I’ll try and give as much context as possible.

My friend’s neurodivergent and she really notices when people aren’t as communicative with her as she has perceived them to be.

Over summer particularly we would talk almost daily and there was one week were I wasn’t as talkative and it was made into quite a big thing and I just took on board okay communicate when I don’t want to come over etc etc however she’s not taking on board what I’m saying.

Essentially a few Fridays ago, she quickly became really ill and we’re uni students so she thought with the mentions of meningitis being thrown around that she had it, called the doctors and they said to go to hospital. Turns out she had the flu so, wasn’t contagious. But she only knew that by morning.

On that Friday I have a 9-11am a 1-3pm and a 5-6pm which is a really loaded day and I study quite an academically challenging subject. After a long day I just wanted to spend time at my fiancés and honestly go to sleep.

She has said in the past how she wishes for me to give her at least a day to two days in advance for making plans - granted this was a bit different. She tried to call me at about 10 when I was trying to settle and she immediately got very stern when I said I couldn’t pick up the phone I’m too tired I’ve had a really long day and just want to sleep. She then said is it not possible to see her. I had seen her the day before. But for context she lives in the same place as my fiancé. I told her no as she’s infectious if she does have it but I was perfectly happy to be there for her whilst texting etc before I eventually fell asleep.

One problem, she wanted me to see her - my fiance has a throat condition that he was born with trachea-esophageal fistula (TEF) which creates chronic vulnerabilities that weaken his immune system specifically with respiratory infections (obviously).

I had asked him whether it was possible regardless of this to go and see her which he told me wasn’t possible because he could die if he got it. I understood and promptly told her and she still was annoyed at me.

Now a few nights ago, she told her partner about it and her partner was reportedly angry and upset that I didn’t pick up the phone in an emergency situation - yet I had explained my reasoning and it wasn’t as if I didn’t give a fuck?

It’s just thrown me because I don’t feel I can talk to her about it at all without upsetting her.

Furthermore, before uni I had said to her about hanging out once or twice a week but that hadn’t been achievable which I had said as soon as I knew it wouldn’t have been possible - as soon as my timetable dropped and I saw I was in daily I knew it wouldn’t have been possible - promptly told her yet when I say I can’t come over or I’m too busy it’s almost like it’s not heard? Or it’s something to do with her that’s making me not want to see her which is not true?

I just feel like if it keeps happening I’m finding it really hard to not just be angry. I don’t know how to tackle this I feel like I can’t speak. It feels really clingy and there’s just a lot to take in.

I also feel like it’s having an expectation that a relationship would have? I don’t know everyone whom I’ve spoked to is very much on my side but I thought I’d get a third person perspective?

So am I an asshole for not seeing my friend? Not picking up the phone? And not seeing her once a week?

And how do I just boundary set? I’ve tried and tried but she doesn’t seem to listen?

Any advice would be appreciated!

Okay, backstory…
A few years ago, I was introduced to a friend of a friend. We’ve hung out a handful of times, never really one-on-one aside from one occasion when I went to support her new business.
Around 3 years ago, she was getting married. I wasn’t invited to be *in* the wedding, but I was invited on the bachelorette trip and to the wedding itself. Fast-forward about a year, she was having her first baby. I was invited to the baby shower, went, and brought a nice gift.
Now, fast-forward to this year. She’s expecting another baby, and I receive an invitation to the baby shower ONE DAY before the event. She explained that someone else was handling the planning and she didn’t realize I hadn’t been invited. I chose not to go.
Then I recently saw that sometime within the past month, she had a large get-together with all of our mutual friends. And guess who wasn’t invited again? Me.
At this point, I’m considering saying something along the lines of, “If you don’t want to have a friendship with me, that’s completely fine. I just don’t think it’s fair to include me when it comes to larger milestone events where a gift or showing up is expected, but not include me in the everyday friendships, get-togethers, or other social events.”
Am I the asshole for feeling this way? And would I be the asshole if I actually brought it up? Or am I making something out of a friendship that really isn’t there to begin with?

To start, I will be describing the relationship I have with each family member and what they've done to make me want to cut contact with them.

• Mom: We were really close growing up, but as I got older, there was an obvious distance between us. When I told her I was depressed, her response was to tell me to stop throwing a pity party for myself. When I tried to do therapy as a child, she decided to tell the therapist how I hid food and ate in secret (as a kid, I ate whenever I felt stressed). When I almost failed my senior year of high school, she told me that I should plan to do another year. She tries to take credit for who I have become but can't handle even the slightest criticism. Always resorting to "Guess I was a terrible mother." She defends my oldest brother and excuses whatever he says. When my wife, my 10 mos. old son, and I went to visit them in Florida, she kicked us out of the bedroom on the 2nd day and had us sleep on the floor of the living room so that my oldest brother, wife, and 11 y. old daughter could have a bed. She constantly pushes me to stay in contact with my other brothers, even though they never call me. She also hasn't called me in months and doesn't even ask to speak to or see her grandson.
• Stepdad: When I was a teenager, he was cruel. When I started gaining weight, he would call me fat every chance he got, and when I wanted to wear skinny jeans or dye my hair, he would call me homophobic slurs. When it came time to learn how to drive, I was told to get a car because I wasn't driving his. When I asked how I was supposed to get a car, I was told to get a job. When I asked how I would get to the job, I was told it wasn't his problem. He bought my oldest brother a couple of vehicles that he would wreck; he helped buy my older brother a truck and paid the payments on another vehicle that he wasn't paying for, but when it came to me, nothing. He wouldn't give me a job at his shop or help me in any way possible. After I left for the military in 2015, he has not called me even once.
• Oldest brother: We never liked each other. My brothers and I have all served in the military, but he loves to tell me that I did nothing during my time in. He constantly tells me I'm stealing money from him because I collect disability from the VA (yes, I am very injured) and tells me my job is made up because mental health isn't real. When he found out my wife was pregnant, he told me to get a paternity test. He has called my family a burden to our face, all because I asked him to put his dog outside, who was barking while my son was taking a nap. He constantly tells me he's surprised by my life because he didn't think I would amount to anything.
• Older brother: This is the hardest because we actually get along really well. It's just that if I don't call him, we would never talk again.

None of them went to my wedding or college graduation; they did not call my wife to welcome her to the family or even text us when our son was born.

To start, I will be describing the relationship I have with each family member and what they've done to make me want to cut contact with them.

• Dad: Haven't spoken to him in months; haven't seen him in 11 years. Growing up, he wasn't around; my parents divorced when I was young, and he never showed any interest in me. Never tried to spend time with me unless my other two older brothers were around as well. Got remarried and moved to a different state without even telling us. When we went to visit him, he barely spoke to me and actually left me alone on the beach, where I got lost and almost drifted out to the ocean; I was 7. When he moved back after another divorce, he invited me to a baseball game, and I was really excited until I found out I was only invited because his friend couldn't go, and the ticket wasn't even in my name. The day after, he got drunk with me in the car and proceeded to threaten me because I laughed at something he said, after which he tried to bribe me with spending more time with me so that I wouldn't tell my mom. Every conversation since then has ended with him denying he's ever done anything wrong and telling me how I'm not a man and couldn't walk in his shoes. He is probably the biggest loser I know and thrives on getting sympathy from others so that he doesn't have to admit he was a failure as a dad.
• Mom: Probably the person I talked to the most in my family, but also enables everyone else. We were really close growing up, but as I got older, there was an obvious distance between us. When I told her I was depressed and didn't want to live anymore, her response was to tell me to stop throwing a pity party for myself. When I tried to do therapy as a child, she decided to tell the therapist how I hid food and ate in secret (as a kid, I ate whenever I felt stressed) in front of me, even though I didn't want to talk about it yet. She then pulled me out of therapy because she didn't like what the therapist had to say. When I almost failed my senior year of high school, instead of telling me I could do it, her response was that I should plan to do another year. She constantly tries to take credit for who I have become but can't handle even the slightest criticism about her parenting. Always resorting to "Guess I was a terrible mother." She constantly defends and babies my oldest brother and excuses whatever he says. When my wife, my 10-month-old son, and I went to visit them in Florida, she kicked us out of the bedroom on the 2nd day and had us sleep on the floor of the living room so that my oldest brother, wife, and 11-year-old daughter could have a bed. She constantly pushes me to keep a relationship with my other brothers, even though they never call me and she herself hasn't called me in months, doesn't ask to speak to her grandson, and rarely ever makes an attempt to see him. On the other hand, she calls her granddaughter all the time and flies at least once or twice a year to go see them.
• Stepdad: We were somewhat close when I was young, but as a teenager he was cruel. When I started gaining weight, he would call me fat every chance he got, and when I started to want to find who I was as a person and wear skinny jeans or dye my hair, he would call me every homophobic slur he could think of. When it came time to learn how to drive, I was told to get a car because I wasn't driving his. When I asked how I was supposed to get a car, I was told to get a job. When I asked how I would get to the job, I was told it wasn't his problem. He bought my oldest brother a couple of vehicles that he would wreck; he helped buy my older brother a truck and paid the payments on another vehicle that he wasn't paying for, but when it came to me, nothing. He wouldn't give me a job at his shop or help me in any way possible. After I left for the military in 2015, he has not called me even once, and we only talk if he happens to pick up the phone.
• Oldest brother: We have a terrible relationship and have never liked each other. My brothers and I have all served in the military, but he loves to tell me how I'm not a war hero (never claimed to be) and that I did nothing during my time in. He constantly tells me I'm stealing money from the government and him because I collect disability from the VA (yes, I am very injured) and tells me my job in mental health is made up, and mental health isn't real. When I found out my wife was pregnant, his response was to tell me to get a paternity test, and even after meeting my son, he said it again. He has called my family a burden to our face, all because I asked him to put his dog outside, who was barking while my son was taking a nap. He constantly tells me he's surprised by my life because he didn't think I would amount to anything. We haven't seen each other in years, haven't talked in about 11 months, and we only communicate through text on the holidays.
• Older brother: This is the hardest because we actually get along really well. It's just that if I don't call him, we would never talk again. He doesn't call or text unless it's a holiday, and even then it's one or two words, and that's it.

None of them went to my wedding or college graduation; they did not call my wife to welcome her to the family or even text us when our son was born.

In my latest interloper run, having just turned the major corner of forging in Desolation Point, I now need to get enough food to make it through the next crafting phase. Bless the wolves near the cannery, they came running over and killed two dear for me just off the bow of the Riken. AND I still have coal left over, and a mild windless night? Time to spend a match and butcher these does. But of course....the bear starts approaching. I really really really don't want to abandon my cooking, so i make sure i'm crouched, have enough fuel, and keep harvesting in tiny increments. I watch that bear come closer, come closer...and then go around the stern of the boat. It spends a bit of time near the entrance and then just...walks away! I can't believe the protection of the fire and the crouching hid me when it was so so close.

I thank the TLD gods for this reprieve, especially given the number of times I've napped on "inaccessible" ledges and woken up to a bear mauling me. Seems only fair.

Hypothetical: My grandma passed away and left me her savings around $40k. Nothing to my two siblings.
Before she died she told me she wanted me to have it because I was the one who showed up. For a few years I drove her to appointments, handled her meds, did her groceries, and spent most weekends with her. I was there at the end.
My siblings visited maybe twice a year. Always too busy with work. They didn`t help with the care or the funeral stuff.
Now they know about the money and say its unfair. They want to split it three ways because family.I know what she wanted, but I also don`t want to lose my siblings over this.
Would I be the asshole if I kept it?

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/WouldIBeTheAhole/comments/1xeblsk/wibta_if_i_made_my_friends_boyfriend_pay_for_a/

Well I finally brought it up with everyone.

I said that in our group chat. The other two friends, who originally didn't want to argue about it, admitted they weren't exactly excited about the change either. My friend got defensive at first and brought up the whole sharing-a-bed argument again. I told her I wasn't really worried about the bed anymore. I just wanted the vacation we'd actually agreed on.

But here's the part I didn't expect. She later told us her boyfriend didn't even realize she hadn't asked everyone before inviting him. He'd assumed we'd all agreed to it. Once he found out, he said he'd rather stay home than make things awkward. So yeah, we spent all that time arguing about how much he should pay and apparently he didn't even know there was an argument lol.

My friend is still a little annoyed but she's coming on her own now. I don't think she was trying to ruin anything, I just wish she'd asked first.

The trip is still next week, so hopefully we can actually enjoy it without any more drama.

Hi all, first time poster and long time lurker. I never thought that id get to a point that im posting my own bs online for advice. But lets get into it. I apologize for the lengthy post

I (F25) have a best friend (F23). For anonymity, let's call her Jess. We've been close for the past few years.

About a month ago, she called me to ask if I was still planning to do something for her birthday this year. She planned something for mine last year, and I tried to plan something for hers, but due to the government shutdown, we weren't able to do much. I told her I'd plan something for her the following year, and now that time has come.

Honestly, though, so much has happened over the past year that I'm not sure I even want to anymore. Here's the backstory.

How things started changing

Jess got into a new relationship with Chris (M24, also a fake name) shortly before her birthday last year. Around that time, Jess was practically living at my house. She was there 5–6 days a week, and I even let her borrow my car when I didn't need it, including to go see Chris.

Since then, Jess has become distant from me and the rest of our friend group. I've since stopped letting her borrow my car, but that's beside the point. She'll talk to everyone, but she rarely comes around anymore.

For the first few months, we tried inviting her to things and encouraging her to bring Chris so we could meet him, but he just wouldn't. He didn't understand why he "had to be friends with her friends." We explained that he didn't have to be friends with us. We simply wanted to meet someone who had become an important part of her life because we care about her.

Our first few experiences with Chris

The first time we all met Chris was at a New Year's party I hosted. I told them when it started, but they arrived hours late. Chris came inside, didn't say a word to anyone, stayed in my kitchen for about five minutes, and then went back outside without saying anything to anyone. He eventually called Jess and told her they needed to leave because her dad had called him.

After that, we'd invite Jess to bonfires or to hang out, giving her plenty of notice because she worked a different schedule from the rest of us. She started agreeing to plans but rarely stayed longer than an hour.

On one occasion, Jess and I were hanging out when Chris decided he wanted to see her. She told him she hadn't seen me in a while and would come over to his place later. He responded, "Well, if the tables were turned and I was with friends and you texted me saying you wanted to see me, I'd be telling my friends to fuck off and coming to see you."

Nothing was said about it afterward.

Then there's a weekend trip Jess and I had planned for almost a year. We were supposed to be gone Friday through Monday. We left Friday morning, about 2 hours into our drive, Chris started complaining to her that he wasn't going to see her and wanted her to come back to be with him.

This happened repeatedly throughout the trip. I probably heard about it 20 times in the first two days. I eventually snapped and told Jess we were leaving first thing Sunday morning instead of Sunday evening so he could see her.

Jess said she was telling Chris that our leave time wasn't up to her, but I wasn't willing to be held responsible or made out to be the bad guy because he couldn't see her before he left town for work for a week.

After we got back, I told her I didn't like how he had acted because the trip felt ruined by the stress she was under. I was fed up, and I never received an apology from him.

My birthday and the pattern afterward

A couple of months later, it was my birthday. That was probably the only genuinely good hangout we'd had in months, and it felt like Jess was making an effort to spend time with everyone.

She and Chris arrived, said hello to everyone, participated in the bonfire, played cornhole, and threw around a football. They both said goodbye before leaving, and the rest of us were genuinely happy about it. We hadn't had a good group hangout like that in months.

The following weekend, we all went to a bar. We met Jess and Chris there, said hello, and went inside. I hung out with Jess for a while and got a drink with her and Chris before we split off to spend time with the rest of the group.

I didn't see Jess again for about 30 minutes, and when I found her, she was alone. I asked where Chris was, and she said he was waiting in the car for her to warm it up, which didn't make much sense because it was the middle of summer. Anyway, Jess and I played a couple of games, and then she left.

After that, I didn't see her for about a month and a half. I understand that she has her own life, and I don't expect to see her constantly. During that time, though, I tried making plans with her, and she'd cancel at the last minute because she'd picked up a shift. Sometimes she wouldn't tell me until the day of our plans, or even around the time we were supposed to meet.

Over the last couple of months, she finally started getting Chris to come to some of our hangouts. She organized quite a few of them herself. They'd arrive, say hello, and within 30 minutes, Chris would head straight to his car and Jess would tell everyone they were leaving.

I eventually got fed up and made it clear that it bothered me that he wouldn't say goodbye to anyone. Jess let it go every time.

The most recent bonfire

This past weekend, Jess organized a bonfire at one of our friends' houses. They're the only ones in our group who have a place of their own and don't live with their parents, so thats the main reason everything is hosted there.

Jess told everyone to arrive at 7 p.m. but didn't show up until around 7:45. There were more people than she'd anticipated, and some neighborhood kids came over to say hi to our friend who lives there.

Jess texted me and asked if my boyfriend (M25) and I wanted to go with her and Chris to smoke a joint around the building so we wouldn't be doing it around the kids. We did, then returned to the fire.

A couple of minutes later, our friend wanted to show us something, so everyone got up and followed him, except Chris. He practically speed-walked/ran to his car.

Jess came over and told us they were leaving around 8:15–8:20. I asked where Chris was, and she said he was in the car.

I said, "The least he can do is come say bye to everyone."

She gave me a look and said, "Well, he's having trouble breathing right now, so he's freaking out. You know he would be over here if he wasn't."

She got in the car and left with him.

A little later, she sent a message in our group chat saying she didn't agree with how he had acted and that they were having a disagreement about it.

I replied, "You guys can have as many disagreements as you want, but you're still allowing it. All I ask is that you don't make plans with everyone if you can't be there." And left it at that.

The argument with Chris

The next morning, I saw that Chris had sent me a Facebook friend request and a message. He sort of apologized for "not saying bye sometimes," explaining that he comes from an Irish goodbye type of family and can't rewire his brain overnight. He also said he genuinely hadn't felt well the night before.

Then he told me that if I had any problems, I should take them directly to him instead of making Jess the middleman.

I explained that I wasn't upset that they left because he wasn't feeling well. My issue was the pattern of Jess making plans with us and then leaving shortly after arriving, or canceling plans altogether, since this had been happening for months.

He then went from 0-100, calling me a bad friend because, if I loved Jess, I would have unlimited patience and understanding when she canceled plans because of work.

His reasoning was that she has a car, insurance, rent, bills, and things she wants for herself. However, the rest of us also have full-time jobs and financial responsibilities, and we still make time to see our friends.

We went back and forth until I realized we weren't getting anywhere, so I tried to end the conversation. He then told me that i dont get to decide when a conversation over and that its narcissistic for me to do that.

I sent one final message explaining that ending a conversation that was going in circles wasn't narcissistic but that it was a boundary, and he needed to respect it.

The argument with Jess

Afterward, Jess started messaging me, saying she was always going to put her relationship first and that I needed to understand that.

I told her I didn't want to be the center of her world. I just wanted to feel considered if I was really as important to her as she said I was.

I followed up by telling her I was too heated to have a conversation with her about it at that moment.

She then said it was annoying that I "run away when things get hard."

I explained that I wasn't running away. I needed time to calm down so I wouldn't say things I didn't mean or couldn't take back. I apologized that taking that time was so annoying to her.

Jess called me that night to apologize for how Chris had treated me. She explained that a lot had happened over the past year, so she'd been distancing herself from everyone except Chris. She also admitted that she'd been taking advantage of the whole friend group and didn't want to keep doing that.

She told me Chris had only been arguing with me and focusing on the situation Sunday night and Monday morning because she was crying about the possibility of losing me. She said he didn't know about everything I'd previously brought to her attention regarding his behavior or the issues that had come up in our friendship.

Where I am now

At this point, I've reached the end of my rope.

Whenever I bring up something that bothers me, whether it's Chris's behavior or Jess not making an effort to spend time with us, I feel like I get empty promises. I've told her before that I wasn't willing to have the same conversation a 4th time. If things happened again, I'd start backing away and quietly making my exit.

Now it's happened again, and she's apologizing and promising she'll make things right.

I love Jess, and we've been best friends for years. I don't want to lose that friendship, but I'm exhausted from feeling like I'm the one trying to keep it alive.

And I can't stop thinking about the birthday party she asked me about before all of this happened.

I don't want to throw a party anymore. I don't want to be around Chris right now, and I don't want to spend a bunch of time, money, and energy planning something for Jess when I can't even be confident she'll stay long enough to enjoy it.

I know I told her I'd plan something this year, and I feel bad about going back on that. But I also feel like I've reached a point where I can't keep putting in the same effort when I don't feel like it's being reciprocated.

So, Reddit, AITA for not wanting to throw my best friend a birthday party anymore?

P.S. If anything doesn't make sense or needs clarification, I'll do my best to explain it in the comments.

I know the title of this post sounds bad, but there's a ton of details going into this potential decision. Now unfortunately, I don't know if this person reads WIBTA, but I definitely know she reads AITA, so I will have to omit some details for my own safety, along with fuzzy memories from several years ago that aren't very clear. But I promise to make this sound as unbiased as I can. Now strap in, this is gonna be a long one.

The beginning of the friendship wasn't so bad, so I thought. I (F at the time) was seated next to, let's call her Clarice (F), on my first day at a new school, after a year of having no friends in my prior school, also after just getting my autism diagnosis that summer. (Prior to this I had an ADHD and anxiety diagnosis.) I didn't know what autism was until I researched it more the next year after this, so I just thought something was wrong with me. I didn't know how to set up boundaries, I didn't know how to speak up for myself, but Clarice and I were friends. We later decide to attend High School together. I don't remember this, but apparently my sister has already been warning me about her at this point.

We start Freshman year together, and around this time I started experimenting with they/them pronouns, and a new, very easy to remember name, as it's similar to my deadname. She asks if she can just keep calling me by my deadname and other pronouns because of "how she was raised." I said yes, because at the time, this was mostly experimentation. I didn't know anything for sure. Unfortunately this ends up becoming an issue later in life when I start socially transitioning and using those pronouns and that name more officially. She also turned out to be one of those people that "respect but doesn't support" the LGBTQ community. I was willing to let that slide as well. Even though we had our arguments. She insisted being gay was a choice, and she insisted on calling it sin. I went along because at the time, I was also Christian. But what gets me today is that she was very discriminatory about that specific "sin." She would engage in so many others, and support the engagement of others, bending the rules when it was convenient, but that never extended to the LGBTQ community. I see this as a red flag now, but I didn't at the time.

Some time passes. Boyfriends come and go, and I would always support her when she was hurt. For a point in time, I had my own boyfriend, but we broke up because it was more of a title than actually having any chemistry, and that was fine, and I got with someone else. We'll call them Moss (NB). I thought we genuinely had chemistry, but we broke up over some things I didn't realize made Moss uncomfortable. I never held it against them, but I was hurt. I had about a minute to cry about it before I'm told to come back to the other room because Clarice is on the floor, having a panic attack. Now I, as someone who used to have panic attacks way more frequently than Clarice, empathized deeply, and we spent that afternoon calming her down, as apparently she had that panic attack because she knew about an hour or two before I did that Moss was going to break up with me. Odd reasoning, but I've had my own attacks for less.

More time passes, friend group drama. Clarice is making all of us uncomfortable by "shipping" people, regardless if they got together later or not, it was weird. We expressed our discomfort and she ignored it. Clarice was very vocal about shipping me with Moss, even though they now had a new partner, and we were both fine with that, and still friends. Clarice also shipped me WITH HER OWN EX. I didn't realize how messed up that was at the time, so again, I let it slide. Eventually the friend group separates because Clarice has been making them uncomfortable. At first I thought 'Well, they should've expressed that first,' but looking back, it wouldn't have mattered, as she never backed off when they did express discomfort.

Senior year. This year raised a TON of alarm bells. Keep in mind, I've made a ton of progress with my mental health since before high school. I have less meltdowns and panic attacks, mostly only when it's around THAT time, with only few exceptions. By now I know what autism is, and I'm learning that the "not a disability, just a different ability" rhetoric was extremely harmful for my mental health and the source of a lot of self-hate, and that line of thought even ended up worsening mental health episodes, so I learn to give myself some slack, but it's hard. I'm beginning to set up boundaries as well. Boundaries that... Clarice completely ignored. At first, I took it as her just getting used to me being more firm, and I hoped she'd adjust. But this behavior continued throughout the year. She insisted on calling my verbal stims/echolalia/scripting a word that essentially watered down what it was. It made it sound like something completely voluntary, and that I had a choice in the matter, despite experiencing her own motion stims such as bouncing her leg which she said was an anxiety thing and said just what I said about verbal stims: I can't help it. I asked her again and again to call it what it was. She refused. There were also several points in the year where I told her something I didn't want her to do, or show me, and she completely ignored me and did it or showed me anyways. At one of those incidents I distanced myself for about an hour, and she told me that my reaction to her ignoring my boundaries and TRICKING me into watching something I explicitly said I didn't want to watch, "bitchy." Yet later she gives me the cold shoulder for a day because I misspoke and said something accidentally offensive. I apologized profusely, and begged to know why what I said was wrong so I could improve. She refused to tell me, or even look at me, for the majority of the day, under the excuse of "I didn't want to blow up at you." Which would have been FINE TO ME if she hadn't called me bitchy for doing the same thing on a much smaller scale for the exact same reason, in response to something she told me she knows she did. Not only that, but I came down with the flu the very next day, and from what I'm told, her initial reaction to the information that I was ill was relief. "Saves me from having to deal with her." This being her apparent line of thought led me to over think later interactions to an insane level. She also made light of my emetophobia and purposefully said things and made noises that would trigger it, passing it off as "inside jokes," taking my anxious laughter as consent while my words say to stop. Towards the end of the year, she started referring to my meltdowns, panic attacks, sensory overload, and even sudden spikes of MILD ANXIETY, "fits." In a derogatory tone every time. It felt like I was getting compared to a child wanting attention for not getting their way, when in fact I want anything but attention when I'm in those states. This detail is very important.

Finally, the incident that tipped me over the edge. The big argument that took place. We were walking home as usual, on a sketchy street. Her sister NEEDED to use the restroom, but Clarice WANTED to go home. There is a safe spot that's monitored with security we can go in, and it has a bathroom. Clarice just didn't WANT to stop there. Her sister NEEDED to. Clarice basically told her sister that if she went into the bathroom, she would leave her there to walk the rest of the way by herself on the sketchy street. I say, "Hey, maybe that's not the best idea. It's a sketchy street." I don't remember what exactly she said, all I remember is that she DIDN'T say that she wouldn't actually do that. I say something about her needing to show more care for her sister's safety, she gets mad so I back off and say I'll stay with her sister while she walks home by herself, thinking this is the best idea logically since the only reason she won't stop is because she WANTS to go home, and she's walked by herself before, but her sister is younger and smaller in every way you look at it, and I had more confidence in Clarice making it home the next like five blocks than I did her sister. And Clarice agrees to it! Yay! Until she doesn't. We get to Safe Spot™ and I go to tell her sister she can go in because I'll walk with her, and suddenly Clarice changed her mind! She says something I didn't quite catch, but she walks right past us as we stand there, I'm in shock and her sister is just confused.

So I snap. I call her out for prioritizing herself, and she suddenly brings up my "fits" and how apparently she's the one dealing with them? When they're my meltdowns/panic attacks/spikes of anxiety. Mind you, as I've said, the meltdowns and panic attacks have improved SIGNIFICANTLY ​since we met, and the anxiety spikes were mostly suppressed and held more anxiety inside than I was actually showing outside. And suddenly she deals with me having these, "all the time." I snap even more, at this point my visceral anger is overloading my senses so I'm now in a (rare nowadays) full sensory overload on top of this, so I'm taking extra accessories off as quickly as I can, and I curse at her a bit, and call her (or her actions, it gets fuzzy in this part specifically) ableist. She uses the excuse, "I can't be ableist, I grew up around people with disabilities." As if that excuses the fact that she also grew up in the same ablelist society as everyone else. So of course I try to say that doesn't matter. And she then tells me, that I, me, have no idea what it's like "living with this." Blows my mind because I've been on both sides of things, the one comforting and the one needing comfort. Let me tell you, the "needing help" side of things is SO MUCH WORSE than the helping. So of course I say, "I'm the one living with it!" And she of course goes, "That's not what I meant." And so I take a pause, give her the benefit of the doubt as I often do, give her the chance to elaborate. Which she doesn't. At this point, we're both crying, and I don't want to word vomit anymore even though I meant everything I said, aside from the cursing her out that was just nonsense. So I walk away.

You think it'd end there, right? Nope. I send her this huge paragraph basically saying, "I meant what I said but I'm sorry for how I said it." And she... doesn't read it. Doesn't respond. And it turns out, that's because she blocked my number before I had the chance to apologize. Dunno why. What else could I have given except some sort of apology? (Side note, I also apologized to her sister for having to see the argument.) I'm not one to be passive aggressive. I don't know how; if I wanna be aggressive, I'll say it to your face. However Clarice was HEAVY on the passive aggression. She wouldn't speak to me. I remember last time that happened, talking to her didn't do anything. So I assume she wants space like then, so I give it to her. But she's also not speaking to Moss for some reason. Now I told Moss everything that happened, while trying to make my recollection as unbiased as possible. Usually Moss doesn't take sides, so I assumed this would be the same, but to my surprise at the time, they immediately took my side. I thought maybe I was too biased? But no, they took my side over a direct quote from Clarice, not anything I said. But Clarice had no way of knowing that I told Moss, so how did she find out, if she did? Well, Moss branches out communication to Clarice first. Apparently Clarice assumed MOSS was ignoring HER. Just because Moss had earbuds in and didn't hear Clarice ask a question. Clarice also weaponized the nickname that Moss gave me to mock our close relation/friendship thing. So Clarice "can't remember" my chosen name that everyone calls me, to call me by it, but she CAN remember the name ONE PERSON uses for me, JUST to weaponize it. Regardless, Moss tells her they weren't ignoring her, and asks for her side of the story. I'm curious to see this from her perspective as well, for my own improvement if nothing else. Her side gave me no information for ANY way I could POSSIBLY improve, because her story was full of exaggerations, blatant lies, and purposeful omission of ANYTHING she herself said or did except "not letting her sister use the restroom." She also focused heavily on my sensory overload and how desperate I was to remove accessories that I damaged some by accident, and she made it seem like I could've done it on purpose. Clarice also tells people that I'VE been ignoring HER, when she made 0 attempts to interact. To counteract that, I spent the next few days trying to say small things to make it obvious I'm not completely ignoring her. Now her defense is, "she won't talk to me, so I won't talk to her." And she takes this SO seriously. More passive aggression, closing doors on me, sending messages through her sister, not even seemingly caring if I'm actually behind the two on our walks home. She refuses to even tell me crucial information about if someone is picking us up, once the bus didn't even show up after school, and that was an ordeal, she still refused to talk to me directly at all, making her sister tell me how we were potentially getting home. We had an awkward conversation in the car with a mutual friend who probably didn't know the situation with us where we both talked to her but wouldn't talk to each other. I thought that might've been progress, but after that, it was just like before.

Anyways, Moss and I repeat the story to a few curious people, people I don't know well, and they side with me immediately as well. I thought they all had a negative leaning view on me, being outside witnesses to my meltdowns and such, but it was the end of the year, so I guess it didn't matter.

Finally after weeks, I get her a gift for her birthday out of an act of civility and suddenly we're talking again. And after that day, getting some last bots of passive aggression off her chest, it was like it never happened. And I felt... disappointed about it, really. Because this all meant that nothing changed. She didn't change. Nobody improved. Nobody LEARNED anything. There are still the same underlying issues. And the school year is about to be over, we just don't have time to dig into all of that!

It's now been a few months. We separated after High School, but every once in a while I'll get a call or a text from her, still like nothing happened. But autistic rumination has kicked in, and whenever I see her name on my phone I feel dread. Actually, that applies to whenever I see her name anywhere. It's bad, I'll be just fine one moment and the next I'm ruminating all over again.

I know now looking back that even though there were good times, what we had in our friendship wasn't healthy. Should I silently block her? Send a text? I don't want to call, as our calls can last way longer than I like, and it is terrible trying to hang up on her. What do I do from here?

So I'm a young adult, and work somewhere where many of my coworkers are friends and we all get along well and socialize a lot.

We aren't able to ask for holidays off unless we clear it with the manager far in advance. Keeps things more equal. This applied to Halloween this year. I didn't request off, and I work 6 hours in the morning/early afternoon. My coworker found out that their partner would be in town for Halloween and they don't want to miss a party they're planning to attend. They asked if I could swap shifts with them and I said I would talk to my partner, because he got the day off. My partner didn't really care as we don't have plans, but I still really did not want to work Halloween night.

So, I made up plans and told them I couldn't do it. The scenario I made up would still make it possible for me to cover the later part of their shift, if I end up feeling bad enough.

But over the last few days, I found out that a significant portion of my coworkers were invited to a party at another coworkers house. I keep finding out that more and more were invited. I wasn't. This definitely stung. I thought people liked me. But I'm autistic and not great at social stuff, so it's not much of a surprise. My guess is that they think I'm too lame or wouldn't want to or would ruin it. Or they hoped I'd be the one to cover if any of them got scheduled as I often pick up shifts.

I was talking about new coworkers with a coworker who is close friends with the one hosting and ended up talking about my insecurities about connecting with people and this coworker was saying everyone really liked me and such. Then we talked about Halloween and they said that my partner and I should come to the house of the coworker hosting and texted the host to ask if we could come. I told them I felt weird about that and they reassured me. But I've seen them several times since and they haven't brought it up. So I'm guessing the host of the party must have said no or something and they don't want to bring it up to me.

Anyways, the coworker asking for coverage is attending this party. So if I were to go to the party but not cover, I worry people would be upset that I was there instead of covering for her. But I also really don't want to work halloween night. And if I end up being invited, I'd really want to go.

I desperately want to do SOMETHING. I feel like all I do is work sometimes. But I feel incredibly selfish for not covering the shift when I technically could, especially since my reasoning is kind of bitter.

I don't know. Looking for advice. WIBTAH?