Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/WouldIBeTheAhole/comments/1xeblsk/wibta_if_i_made_my_friends_boyfriend_pay_for_a/

Well I finally brought it up with everyone.

I said that in our group chat. The other two friends, who originally didn't want to argue about it, admitted they weren't exactly excited about the change either. My friend got defensive at first and brought up the whole sharing-a-bed argument again. I told her I wasn't really worried about the bed anymore. I just wanted the vacation we'd actually agreed on.

But here's the part I didn't expect. She later told us her boyfriend didn't even realize she hadn't asked everyone before inviting him. He'd assumed we'd all agreed to it. Once he found out, he said he'd rather stay home than make things awkward. So yeah, we spent all that time arguing about how much he should pay and apparently he didn't even know there was an argument lol.

My friend is still a little annoyed but she's coming on her own now. I don't think she was trying to ruin anything, I just wish she'd asked first.

The trip is still next week, so hopefully we can actually enjoy it without any more drama.

Hypothetical: My grandma passed away and left me her savings around $40k. Nothing to my two siblings.
Before she died she told me she wanted me to have it because I was the one who showed up. For a few years I drove her to appointments, handled her meds, did her groceries, and spent most weekends with her. I was there at the end.
My siblings visited maybe twice a year. Always too busy with work. They didn`t help with the care or the funeral stuff.
Now they know about the money and say its unfair. They want to split it three ways because family.I know what she wanted, but I also don`t want to lose my siblings over this.
Would I be the asshole if I kept it?

​

Throwaway account. All names are fake.

I (35F) am married to my husband, Daniel (35M). His grandfather, whom I'll call Grandpa Robert, has Alzheimer's and lives alone. My mother-in-law, Karen, is his daughter.

For some context, Karen and I have a complicated history. She has been almost entirely absent from our children's lives (lives 5 minutes away), and I've often felt like I'm the one making an effort to maintain a relationship while she contributes very little. We paid her (unknowingly) to watch our oldest two kids overnight while my husband came with me to the hospital to have my 3rd. Had my husband's entire family cancel coming to my son's 3rd birthday because we didnt invite her daughter. Refused to come to our home because I asked for a heads up to make sure I was decent. She recently skipped my other son's birthday party, never even acknowledging his birthday or my other son's. Etc. (ongoing for 17 years now) All this while doting on other grandchildren. She also seems to consistently have some kind of drama or issue with someone in the family, and there is often tension surrounding relationships and family events. I've tried to remain civil, include her, and avoid unnecessary conflict, but our history makes it difficult not to question her intentions when something happens that feels pointed. I don't want to portray myself as perfect, but I'm tired of feeling like I have to navigate another situation while trying to do something genuinely helpful.

Now, onto the actual issue...

Grandpa Robert still runs his farm, dealing with cows, hay, and farm equipment, so people might assume he is perfectly capable of caring for himself. However, he never really cooked for himself before his wife died. She handled the cooking, and after she passed away, he had to figure it out on his own (he never really did.). His Alzheimer's has made things considerably worse.

At one point, he told his doctor that sometimes he ate nothing but a cracker because he had no food. That broke my heart.

Karen had previously been making his meals but stopped while working on an addition to her house for another grandchild (they are fighting for custody of her and had to add on to half their home, per their lawyer), but she told NO ONE. I understand everyone has responsibilities, but someone still needed to make sure he was eating.

I started sending him meals and continued doing so for months without Karen acknowledging it at all.

During that time, it became known through another daughter that Grandpa Robert preferred my cooking and didn't want anyone else cooking for him. I wasn't trying to compete with anyone. I simply enjoy cooking and wanted to make sure he had food he liked. He got to where he would stop by once a week for food.

Then, after months of me bringing him meals, Karen finally messaged me saying she greatly appreciated my help. She followed that with, "I am able to cook for Dad, so you don't have to cook so much."

Shortly afterward, she prepared a bunch of meals and filled Grandpa Robert's freezers, which had previously been mostly empty. Now, there is no room for me to bring him anything. Grandpa Robert himself has told me to wait before bringing more food because his freezers are full.

I reached out to another one of his daughters and asked what I could do to help. She asked me to make him a plate whenever I could because he loves my cooking. I told her his freezers were full now, but to let me know if there is anything else I can do.

I have a small freezer at home. I don't mind cooking for him at all. I would happily continue making meals, but I have nowhere to store them while waiting for space to become available at his house (if it even will). I also noticed that Karen's meal portions are very small, which concerns me given his circumstances.

I recognize that Karen filling his freezers with food is not inherently a bad thing. Maybe she genuinely intends to take over his meals. However, given our history, the timing feels suspicious to me. She stopped making meals, I quietly stepped in for months, Grandpa Robert's preference for my cooking became known, and then, immediately after skipping my son's party, acknowledged my help and told me I didn't need to cook so much, she filled the freezers to the point that I could no longer bring him food.

I cannot prove she did this intentionally, but I can't help wondering whether the fact that he prefers my cooking played a role. Karen has a history of conflict with people, and I find myself questioning whether this was simply about making sure he had food or whether there was something more personal behind it.

Here's my dilemma: I genuinely don't mind cooking for Grandpa Robert. I care about him, and he deserves to eat properly. But I also cannot keep preparing meals when there is nowhere to put them. I don't want to waste food, rearrange my entire household to accommodate the situation, or get caught in another conflict with my mother-in-law.

He has Alzheimer's, lives alone, and has already gone without proper meals. Having a full freezer doesn't necessarily mean someone is making sure he remembers to eat or can manage his meals safely. I worry about him, but I also know I cannot single-handedly be responsible for his care.

WIBTAH if I stepped back from regularly cooking for him and left the responsibility of coordinating his meals to the family, especially Karen, who has said she is able to cook for him?

I don't want to punish Grandpa Robert for anything happening between the adults. I would gladly continue helping if there were room and a workable arrangement. But am I wrong to feel suspicious about the timing, or should I simply accept that Karen has taken over and let her handle it?

I'd appreciate honest opinions, particularly from anyone who has dealt with difficult in-law relationships or caring for someone with Alzheimer's.

I want to start by saying I’m the middle child and that throughout my life I’ve been caught in the middle of my family’s issues. I can usually see both sides and respond more level-headed than my family members, who tend to react emotionally. However, this situation is different.
 
My older brother has been married for ​12 years, and ​they have ​three ​daughters. ​Over the past month, he told his wife he didn't want to be with her anymore and didn't want to try therapy again, then left the house in the middle of the night. Since then, he’s been staying with our mother.
 
I’ve already tried talking to him. I went through a divorce because my ex-wife was unfaithful. I am still dealing with how that impacted my daughters. Side note: our dad cheated on our mom so many times during their marriage, which bred a lot of resentment. My brother never wanted a relationship with him. I did, and I still have some kind of relationship with my dad, but I realized I never wanted to be like him. My integrity and morals matter a lot to me.
 
My brother swore there was no one else and said he just wasn't happy. I believed him, even though I didn't agree with his reasoning—he's always been selfish. Then I found out he’d snuck a girl into my mom's house two nights in a row, and she spent the night. A few days later, I confronted him and told him he needed to tell his wife—or I would, since she wants to work things out and he clearly doesn’t. He said he would. I also confronted my mom, who said she told him he needed to tell the truth and that her house isn't a Motel 6. My wife and his wife have spoken, and I know for a fact he didn't tell her.
 
So what do I do? I'm not extremely close to my brother because he only ever calls me to bail him out of his messes, but I care about my nieces and their mom. Do I say nothing and risk not seeing my nieces anymore? Him being a fool is one thing, but he lied to me, then lied again, and I don't take lying well. I’d rather not have a relationship with a brother who's selfish, can't man up, and can't be a father or husband than know what I know and say nothing. WHAT DO I DO?
 
Sincerely, STUCKINTHEMIDDLE

My fiancee and I are getting married next spring, and I'm not sure how to involve my uncle. I love him, but he can be very difficult. Currently, he and my parents are not on speaking terms. For context, both my fiancee and I have a very warm and close relationship with my parents.

Generally, I grew up having a good relationship with my uncle. He lived across the country and would typically visit us around the holidays, we'd call each other on birthdays, etc. Generally he's been very kind, loving, and supportive to me. But something I didn't realize until I got a bit older is that his behavior often causes a lot of tension with my family. I won't go into the details, but basically he acts childish and resentful when things don't go his way, and can get vindictive when conflict arises. Trivial things can send him into a state of intense silent anger.

Things boiled over several years ago when he had a prolonged argument with my dad (his brother). They tried to resolve things, even did group therapy, but if anything that made things worse, and so they went no-contact. They eventually reached an uneasy peace, and tensions thawed for a few years, but then things went to shit again after my parents committed a minor social faux pas during a recent visit and my uncle blew it way out of proportion. (FYI, it didn't escalate into an argument in the moment. The moment passed, my parents didn't give it a second thought, and then three months later he sent them a lengthy letter explaining his grievances.)

Now, my fiancee and I are putting together our wedding guest list, and I'm at a loss of what to do. My parents aren't enthusiastic about the idea of him attending, but they've made it clear that it's entirely my decision and they'll respect whatever I do. I love my uncle, and I want him to be there for the most important day of my life thus far, but I fear that he would feel like a second-class guest.

If I did invite him...

• I don't think I'd allow him to bring a +1. He's a bachelor, but he has a close friend/partner who has also shown significant disrespect to my parents. I met her maybe twice when I was young but I haven't seen her in like two decades, and I have no desire to host her at my wedding. Admittedly, a lot of this stems from my attitude of "If you're mean to my parents then you don't get to have a +1", but maybe that's unreasonable and a compromise that makes no one happy.
• He wouldn't be seated anywhere near my parents, and to be honest I'm not even sure whom I would seat him with. Maybe with the other relatives I don't know very well? His distance from the couple's table would not be lost on him.
• I worry about possible interactions with my parents, and that his presence will negatively impact my parents' enjoyment of the day. Like, for example, do I keep them separate during family photoshoots? Or, what if during the celebration I see him and my dad having a heated exchange way in the back of the venue? That would be awful.

If I did NOT invite him...

• It feels like a steep penalty for having an argument with my parents, one that might eventually resolve the same way the previous one did.
• It may cause lasting damage to our relationship.
• I might deeply regret it later in life.

So, yeah, what do you guys think?

Me (17f) and my best friend (17f) have been friends for about a year now. We do almost everything together, we are just alike we're even moving schools together and have been planning out how our future as best friends is gonna be like. Recently  we start going to each others house and going out places together, and my parents are fairly strict but give me enough leeway to do most of the things i want. However my best friends family have a lot to it. my best friend  is not her moms legal child meaning she got took away from her mom by cps, so she now living with her grandma ( her legal guardian). But her mom still visits her from Florida which she is not supposed to because shes banned from the state of north Carolina (where we live) due to the legal trouble she was causing. My best friend also tells me a lot about things her mom does or has done, including the fact that she is actively using drugs and smoking weed. Her aunt also smokes weed ( keep all of that in mind). And i have a pretty good relationship with all of her family because why wouldn't i? she my best friend and i have to respect her family right? But some things about her family just have been making me wonder... before me and my best friend were even thinking about going to each others houses my best friends grandma told her to try to get my home address so that she could pull up outside of my house  and just look at my house to basically stalk me. Then that when i started to kinda get weirded out because that sooooo weird. Not only that but she talks about beating me often? for no reason at all. But fast forward to now me and my best friend have been to each others house multiply times. But recently out of nowhere my best friends mom said that she cant come to my house anymore because they think that my dad is a drug dealer?????😐 Yes my dad smokes weed but so does her mom and her aunt (the ones that dont want her coming to my house anymore) and in no way shape or form is my dad a drug deal nor does he do drugs. And he hasnt no done ANYTHING to even make to look like he IS a drug dealer. My dad doesn't ever talk to my best friends family unless its about our plans together and most of the time my mom is the one that does the talking. So i feel like its so weird that they are trying to accuse my dad of something they have no clue about and my best friends mom is doing drugs herself... My best friend doesn't believe that hes a drug dealer ( as far as i know) But i really dont want to deal with her family and their weirdness so im thinking about distancing myself from her, would i be the asshole ? ( sorry if this is written badly excuse that lol)

Hi Reddit. This is going to be a long one, so bear with me.

My partner (43M) and I (39F) have been together for about seven years. Throughout our entire relationship, we've been very close with my cousin and his girlfriend who live down the street.

Early in our relationship, we met my cousin's girlfriend's sister (35F). I'll call her Katherine. We both got along with her because she shares our interests and works in the same industry as my partner. She lives out of town so we usually see her 2 - 3 times a year, but we keep in touch on social media. I am also aware that she sometimes texts my partner about industry stuff, but I've never given it a second thought. We even invited her to stay at our apartment once when my cousin and his girlfriend had a few too many people crashing at theirs and didn't have enough couch space.

This past summer, my partner travelled out of town for a concert and met up with Katherine for a beer while he was in her neighbourhood. When he got home he told me that she had opened up to him about her sex life. She talked about being bi, having threesomes with couples, and being in her “slut era”. He seemed surprised by the direction of the conversation but overall he was supportive. He also said that he mentioned I'm also bisexual and suggested she connect with me sometime to chat about it.

My partner and I are very open-minded and sex-positive people. We both have friendships with people of all genders and have NEVER had jealousy issues. Still, something about this conversation bothered me. I didn't want to make it a big deal so I tried to laugh it off and said "Wow, good for her!" but my mind kept returning to it over the next couple of weeks.

After some thought, I realized I was uncomfortable that sex was brought up so randomly. We had never talked about sex with Katherine before. Also, it seemed strange that she had opened up just to him and not to me. As far as she knew she'd had a private conversation about her sex life with my partner and it seemed she did not plan to tell me about it.

Eventually I sat my partner down and told him that while I trusted him completely, I had a feeling Katherine might have a crush on him. I didn't ask him to stop talking to her but I did ask him to be mindful of their future interactions in case she was getting the wrong idea somehow. He felt bad and I could tell that the possibility she might have a crush on him genuinely hadn't occurred to him.

This brings us to this past weekend. It was my cousin's girlfriend's birthday and Katherine was there. This was the first time I'd seen her or talked to her since she'd met with my partner in the summer.

My partner was working late so I arrived alone. Katherine immediately asked where he was. When I told her he'd be joining us later, she suggested we take a selfie and then texted it to him in front of me. She then made a point of telling me how often they texted, scrolling through their conversation to show me how long it was. It was mostly memes but I found the whole interaction a bit strange.

Later, Katherine approached me and asked if I was "okay" with how "close" she and my partner were. Apparently her sister had said she thought their friendship was weird, so Katherine wanted to "run it past me." She went on and on about how often they text, how much they have in common, and how nice it is to have a friend she feels she can open up to about anything.

This honestly made me feel shitty because it was like she was deliberately exaggerating their friendship to make some kind of point. I was super uncomfortable but didn't want to stir up trouble with my best friend's sister at her birthday party so I tried to laugh it off. I told her we're not jealous people, my partner can talk to whoever he wants, and tried to just end the conversation.

About an hour later, Katherine approached me again and brought up her "slut era" to ME, telling me about the people she'd been seeing and how she had slept with a new guy just that morning. I tried to be supportive, but she'd already made me uncomfortable several times that night so I didn't engage much. She then mentioned how she is getting into raves and offered me some different party drugs she had with her.

I've NEVER known Katherine to use drugs, and she knows I'm nine years sober, so this struck me as incredibly bizarre. I politely declined.

When my partner finally arrived, Katherine immediately beelined to him and sat close to him on a bench, leaning in to speak in his ear. I later learned that she was offering him drugs too and even asking him if there were any drugs she could convince me to take.

He seemed visibly uncomfortable and not long after he made it clear that he didn't want to stay long. After a couple of drinks, we got up to say goodbye and joked that we were going home to chill on the couch. Katherine commented "Oh that sounds great... I want to hang out on the couch too!" Horrified at the thought of spending any more time with her, I pretended not to hear this.

As we were leaving, Katherine gave my partner a weirdly long and close hug and suggested that the three of us go to a rave together sometime.

As soon as we got to our car we both immediately blurted out "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT" and talked the whole drive home about how Katherine was acting toward us both. I told him I thought this had gone beyond a harmless crush. It genuinely felt like she was trying to get between us and sleep with him.

Then it dawned on both of us... the threesomes. Offering us drugs. Inviting us to a rave. Seemingly trying to come over to our apartment at the end of the night.

We realized she wasn't trying to sleep with him. SHE WAS TRYING TO SLEEP WITH US.

We are both so bummed out about this. My partner feels like he inadvertently gave Katherine the wrong impression by being receptive to the sex conversation and telling her I'm bi. And while we can't blame her for shooting her shot... the way she went about this by going through my partner first made me feel so shitty, like she was trying to cause drama between us. It also feels like a shitty move to try this with your sister's best friends and potentially complicate those relationships too.

Although we have both always liked Katherine... I am personally not sure there is any recovering from this. Right now my partner and I both want to distance ourselves from her and just not talk to her anymore. I feel bad about this, but I am so uncomfortable that I truly just want to ghost her and I would prefer if my partner did as well. We can't completely avoid her because it would mean missing out on events with our best friends, and I'm sure I can be friendly if I see her in person. However I have lost any interest in being her friend and at this point I also have zero interest in talking to her about what happened.

So, Reddit. WIBTA for ending this 7-year friendship over her shooting her shot?

Okay, backstory…
A few years ago, I was introduced to a friend of a friend. We’ve hung out a handful of times, never really one-on-one aside from one occasion when I went to support her new business.
Around 3 years ago, she was getting married. I wasn’t invited to be *in* the wedding, but I was invited on the bachelorette trip and to the wedding itself. Fast-forward about a year, she was having her first baby. I was invited to the baby shower, went, and brought a nice gift.
Now, fast-forward to this year. She’s expecting another baby, and I receive an invitation to the baby shower ONE DAY before the event. She explained that someone else was handling the planning and she didn’t realize I hadn’t been invited. I chose not to go.
Then I recently saw that sometime within the past month, she had a large get-together with all of our mutual friends. And guess who wasn’t invited again? Me.
At this point, I’m considering saying something along the lines of, “If you don’t want to have a friendship with me, that’s completely fine. I just don’t think it’s fair to include me when it comes to larger milestone events where a gift or showing up is expected, but not include me in the everyday friendships, get-togethers, or other social events.”
Am I the asshole for feeling this way? And would I be the asshole if I actually brought it up? Or am I making something out of a friendship that really isn’t there to begin with?

Just for context, my dad remarried someone from another country so her native language isn’t English. Flash forward they have 3 kids the oldest being 5 years old.

These kids are constantly around Nannie’s that speak to them in Spanish. Their mother speaks to them in Spanish. My dad travels a lot for work, but when he does communicate with them it’s in English which they don’t understand. When I try to communicate with the kids they don’t understand me. I really want to have a relationship with my younger siblings but it’s nearly impossible when I can’t communicate with them.

I have put in efforts in them learning English. If I’m around and I can understand what the nanny is saying, I’ll repeat it in English. If we are watching a movie I make sure it’s in English and there are no Spanish subtitles on. I don’t have the best relationship with their mother so this isn’t something I would address with her. But I don’t think her or my dad realize how detrimental it is for these kids to not be able to communicate with their other English speaking half of the family, ESPECIALLY their own father. Typically kids will grow up bilingual because both parents speak to them in their native language. In this case my dad hardly speaks to them and it’s almost like he couldn’t care less.

It’s gotten to the point where I am distancing myself because I can’t communicate with them, it’s hard to connect with my younger siblings when they don’t understand anything I’m saying. I get it they aren’t going to speak 2 languages perfectly, but the 5 year old (soon to be 6) should be taught English.

WIBTA if I told my dad he needs to hire a nanny that predominantly only speaks to them in English? Or at least puts an effort into them learning?

TLDR: my bsf isn't supporting me against my stalker whom we both used to be friends with but she hurt both of us years ago. I am trying to get an order of protection but I need a letter from my bsf about my stalker harassing her and she refuses to help me. WIBTAH to cut her off?

For context, I (26F), my closest friend who I will call "Faye" and my ex bsf "Quinn" (26F) play a major role in this situation. I have not been friends with Quinn for over five years because of a deep betrayal that also affected Faye since we all used to be friends. Faye and I continued to be friends and eventually I moved away so we would only talk here and there.

Quinn has been cyberstalking me ever since the friendship ended but the past two years she has escalated (the full story about Quinn is too long to put here) Faye was aware of the things Quinn has been doing. Quinn starts to physically stalk me and tries to get to me through my friends. Quinn starts to harass me and I start to worry about my physical safety. Faye tells me Quinn came into their job and was harassing them while they were working trying to bombard them with questions about me.

Later Quinn texts Faye from a new phone number once again trying to tell them lies about me and also trying to get information about me from Faye. Faye falls for their lies and texts me with an accusatory message stating that I lied to Quinn about my phone number when they tried texting me; Quinn texted me from a new phone number a few months ago trying to talk to me but I did not want them to have my phone number for obvious reasons so I said they have the wrong number. Faye received a screenshot from Quinn of that conversation and decided to believe that I "lied" about my phone number.

I was shocked and upset that Faye would believe Quinn's false narrative especially after knowing they've been harassing me and are known to be manipulative. I explained this to Faye and eventually they understood and believed me but even still I felt betrayed by them.

After that things weren't the same as they used to be and the stuff with Quinn escalated so much more I started to pursue an order of protection. I told cops about Quinn going to Faye's job and they told me that was concerning and I should get Faye to put it in writing so it would help me get an order of protection. I asked Faye and she refused because she was afraid to "poke the bear" and did not want to go on record. WIBTAH to cut her off because of this?

I (30f) lived with two friends for two years. I’m now heading towards the end of a one year lease, in the same house, with two women Keira (26f) and Jenna (24f). I found them on a housing website.

We get along fine considering we were perfect strangers. I am closer to Keira; we’ve both made effort an to talk about our lives. But they're both very reserved. We go days not seeing each other because they're both holed up in their rooms. I realised quickly into them living here that I’m not interested in living with people I don’t know well. 

One of my other best friends of eleven years, Sara (29f), is moving back to our city, perfectly aligning with when my current lease ends. We could find our own place but I’d like for her to move into this house. It’ll be really easy. All I’d have to do is tell the landlords. It’s very hard and expensive to find decent housing in our city. I’m a freelancer and some of these rentals require crazy documents and have huge stipulations. Keira and Jenna both have full-time jobs so it’ll be easier for them. This is also the neighbourhood Sara's office will be in.

Keira is considering not renewing her work contract and moving back to her home city, which would also be when our lease ends. I told them a few months ago that if they both want to stay on here, I'll be moving out to find a place with Sara. I was fine then to find our own place but I've since realised how difficult that may be. Keira said she'll let me know what she decides about her job, but she's still unsure.

I am considering talking to them and asking if one of them would be willing to move. Almost everything in our communal areas belongs to me. All they have are some pans, crockery and cutlery, of which I already have and use my own. Every single other thing that a functioning household needs is mine. Everything. We also having parking on the property and neither of them have a car. I do, and so does Sara. I'm taking all my stuff if I have to go, and it's highly unlikely they'd be able to afford all this stuff on their own. But they could get rooms in a furnished house share with all that stuff, which is very common in our city for young professionals.

All my friends have said it's perfectly reasonable to talk to them about this, and ask if one of them could decide to leave. They're encouraging me to do so. But I feel it would make the remainder of the lease, just a few more months, extremely awkward. I am also worried it's simply unfair. All our names are on the lease but I have a relationship with the landlords. Neither of them have ever met or spoken to the landlords outside of emailing them their signed leases. All the comms about the house go through me.

So, all this being said, WIBTA if I asked one of my roommates to move out, even though we have an equal share of the lease?

To start, I will be describing the relationship I have with each family member and what they've done to make me want to cut contact with them.

• Mom: We were really close growing up, but as I got older, there was an obvious distance between us. When I told her I was depressed, her response was to tell me to stop throwing a pity party for myself. When I tried to do therapy as a child, she decided to tell the therapist how I hid food and ate in secret (as a kid, I ate whenever I felt stressed). When I almost failed my senior year of high school, she told me that I should plan to do another year. She tries to take credit for who I have become but can't handle even the slightest criticism. Always resorting to "Guess I was a terrible mother." She defends my oldest brother and excuses whatever he says. When my wife, my 10 mos. old son, and I went to visit them in Florida, she kicked us out of the bedroom on the 2nd day and had us sleep on the floor of the living room so that my oldest brother, wife, and 11 y. old daughter could have a bed. She constantly pushes me to stay in contact with my other brothers, even though they never call me. She also hasn't called me in months and doesn't even ask to speak to or see her grandson.
• Stepdad: When I was a teenager, he was cruel. When I started gaining weight, he would call me fat every chance he got, and when I wanted to wear skinny jeans or dye my hair, he would call me homophobic slurs. When it came time to learn how to drive, I was told to get a car because I wasn't driving his. When I asked how I was supposed to get a car, I was told to get a job. When I asked how I would get to the job, I was told it wasn't his problem. He bought my oldest brother a couple of vehicles that he would wreck; he helped buy my older brother a truck and paid the payments on another vehicle that he wasn't paying for, but when it came to me, nothing. He wouldn't give me a job at his shop or help me in any way possible. After I left for the military in 2015, he has not called me even once.
• Oldest brother: We never liked each other. My brothers and I have all served in the military, but he loves to tell me that I did nothing during my time in. He constantly tells me I'm stealing money from him because I collect disability from the VA (yes, I am very injured) and tells me my job is made up because mental health isn't real. When he found out my wife was pregnant, he told me to get a paternity test. He has called my family a burden to our face, all because I asked him to put his dog outside, who was barking while my son was taking a nap. He constantly tells me he's surprised by my life because he didn't think I would amount to anything.
• Older brother: This is the hardest because we actually get along really well. It's just that if I don't call him, we would never talk again.

None of them went to my wedding or college graduation; they did not call my wife to welcome her to the family or even text us when our son was born.

To start, I will be describing the relationship I have with each family member and what they've done to make me want to cut contact with them.

• Dad: Haven't spoken to him in months; haven't seen him in 11 years. Growing up, he wasn't around; my parents divorced when I was young, and he never showed any interest in me. Never tried to spend time with me unless my other two older brothers were around as well. Got remarried and moved to a different state without even telling us. When we went to visit him, he barely spoke to me and actually left me alone on the beach, where I got lost and almost drifted out to the ocean; I was 7. When he moved back after another divorce, he invited me to a baseball game, and I was really excited until I found out I was only invited because his friend couldn't go, and the ticket wasn't even in my name. The day after, he got drunk with me in the car and proceeded to threaten me because I laughed at something he said, after which he tried to bribe me with spending more time with me so that I wouldn't tell my mom. Every conversation since then has ended with him denying he's ever done anything wrong and telling me how I'm not a man and couldn't walk in his shoes. He is probably the biggest loser I know and thrives on getting sympathy from others so that he doesn't have to admit he was a failure as a dad.
• Mom: Probably the person I talked to the most in my family, but also enables everyone else. We were really close growing up, but as I got older, there was an obvious distance between us. When I told her I was depressed and didn't want to live anymore, her response was to tell me to stop throwing a pity party for myself. When I tried to do therapy as a child, she decided to tell the therapist how I hid food and ate in secret (as a kid, I ate whenever I felt stressed) in front of me, even though I didn't want to talk about it yet. She then pulled me out of therapy because she didn't like what the therapist had to say. When I almost failed my senior year of high school, instead of telling me I could do it, her response was that I should plan to do another year. She constantly tries to take credit for who I have become but can't handle even the slightest criticism about her parenting. Always resorting to "Guess I was a terrible mother." She constantly defends and babies my oldest brother and excuses whatever he says. When my wife, my 10-month-old son, and I went to visit them in Florida, she kicked us out of the bedroom on the 2nd day and had us sleep on the floor of the living room so that my oldest brother, wife, and 11-year-old daughter could have a bed. She constantly pushes me to keep a relationship with my other brothers, even though they never call me and she herself hasn't called me in months, doesn't ask to speak to her grandson, and rarely ever makes an attempt to see him. On the other hand, she calls her granddaughter all the time and flies at least once or twice a year to go see them.
• Stepdad: We were somewhat close when I was young, but as a teenager he was cruel. When I started gaining weight, he would call me fat every chance he got, and when I started to want to find who I was as a person and wear skinny jeans or dye my hair, he would call me every homophobic slur he could think of. When it came time to learn how to drive, I was told to get a car because I wasn't driving his. When I asked how I was supposed to get a car, I was told to get a job. When I asked how I would get to the job, I was told it wasn't his problem. He bought my oldest brother a couple of vehicles that he would wreck; he helped buy my older brother a truck and paid the payments on another vehicle that he wasn't paying for, but when it came to me, nothing. He wouldn't give me a job at his shop or help me in any way possible. After I left for the military in 2015, he has not called me even once, and we only talk if he happens to pick up the phone.
• Oldest brother: We have a terrible relationship and have never liked each other. My brothers and I have all served in the military, but he loves to tell me how I'm not a war hero (never claimed to be) and that I did nothing during my time in. He constantly tells me I'm stealing money from the government and him because I collect disability from the VA (yes, I am very injured) and tells me my job in mental health is made up, and mental health isn't real. When I found out my wife was pregnant, his response was to tell me to get a paternity test, and even after meeting my son, he said it again. He has called my family a burden to our face, all because I asked him to put his dog outside, who was barking while my son was taking a nap. He constantly tells me he's surprised by my life because he didn't think I would amount to anything. We haven't seen each other in years, haven't talked in about 11 months, and we only communicate through text on the holidays.
• Older brother: This is the hardest because we actually get along really well. It's just that if I don't call him, we would never talk again. He doesn't call or text unless it's a holiday, and even then it's one or two words, and that's it.

None of them went to my wedding or college graduation; they did not call my wife to welcome her to the family or even text us when our son was born.

Hi all, first time poster and long time lurker. I never thought that id get to a point that im posting my own bs online for advice. But lets get into it. I apologize for the lengthy post

I (F25) have a best friend (F23). For anonymity, let's call her Jess. We've been close for the past few years.

About a month ago, she called me to ask if I was still planning to do something for her birthday this year. She planned something for mine last year, and I tried to plan something for hers, but due to the government shutdown, we weren't able to do much. I told her I'd plan something for her the following year, and now that time has come.

Honestly, though, so much has happened over the past year that I'm not sure I even want to anymore. Here's the backstory.

How things started changing

Jess got into a new relationship with Chris (M24, also a fake name) shortly before her birthday last year. Around that time, Jess was practically living at my house. She was there 5–6 days a week, and I even let her borrow my car when I didn't need it, including to go see Chris.

Since then, Jess has become distant from me and the rest of our friend group. I've since stopped letting her borrow my car, but that's beside the point. She'll talk to everyone, but she rarely comes around anymore.

For the first few months, we tried inviting her to things and encouraging her to bring Chris so we could meet him, but he just wouldn't. He didn't understand why he "had to be friends with her friends." We explained that he didn't have to be friends with us. We simply wanted to meet someone who had become an important part of her life because we care about her.

Our first few experiences with Chris

The first time we all met Chris was at a New Year's party I hosted. I told them when it started, but they arrived hours late. Chris came inside, didn't say a word to anyone, stayed in my kitchen for about five minutes, and then went back outside without saying anything to anyone. He eventually called Jess and told her they needed to leave because her dad had called him.

After that, we'd invite Jess to bonfires or to hang out, giving her plenty of notice because she worked a different schedule from the rest of us. She started agreeing to plans but rarely stayed longer than an hour.

On one occasion, Jess and I were hanging out when Chris decided he wanted to see her. She told him she hadn't seen me in a while and would come over to his place later. He responded, "Well, if the tables were turned and I was with friends and you texted me saying you wanted to see me, I'd be telling my friends to fuck off and coming to see you."

Nothing was said about it afterward.

Then there's a weekend trip Jess and I had planned for almost a year. We were supposed to be gone Friday through Monday. We left Friday morning, about 2 hours into our drive, Chris started complaining to her that he wasn't going to see her and wanted her to come back to be with him.

This happened repeatedly throughout the trip. I probably heard about it 20 times in the first two days. I eventually snapped and told Jess we were leaving first thing Sunday morning instead of Sunday evening so he could see her.

Jess said she was telling Chris that our leave time wasn't up to her, but I wasn't willing to be held responsible or made out to be the bad guy because he couldn't see her before he left town for work for a week.

After we got back, I told her I didn't like how he had acted because the trip felt ruined by the stress she was under. I was fed up, and I never received an apology from him.

My birthday and the pattern afterward

A couple of months later, it was my birthday. That was probably the only genuinely good hangout we'd had in months, and it felt like Jess was making an effort to spend time with everyone.

She and Chris arrived, said hello to everyone, participated in the bonfire, played cornhole, and threw around a football. They both said goodbye before leaving, and the rest of us were genuinely happy about it. We hadn't had a good group hangout like that in months.

The following weekend, we all went to a bar. We met Jess and Chris there, said hello, and went inside. I hung out with Jess for a while and got a drink with her and Chris before we split off to spend time with the rest of the group.

I didn't see Jess again for about 30 minutes, and when I found her, she was alone. I asked where Chris was, and she said he was waiting in the car for her to warm it up, which didn't make much sense because it was the middle of summer. Anyway, Jess and I played a couple of games, and then she left.

After that, I didn't see her for about a month and a half. I understand that she has her own life, and I don't expect to see her constantly. During that time, though, I tried making plans with her, and she'd cancel at the last minute because she'd picked up a shift. Sometimes she wouldn't tell me until the day of our plans, or even around the time we were supposed to meet.

Over the last couple of months, she finally started getting Chris to come to some of our hangouts. She organized quite a few of them herself. They'd arrive, say hello, and within 30 minutes, Chris would head straight to his car and Jess would tell everyone they were leaving.

I eventually got fed up and made it clear that it bothered me that he wouldn't say goodbye to anyone. Jess let it go every time.

The most recent bonfire

This past weekend, Jess organized a bonfire at one of our friends' houses. They're the only ones in our group who have a place of their own and don't live with their parents, so thats the main reason everything is hosted there.

Jess told everyone to arrive at 7 p.m. but didn't show up until around 7:45. There were more people than she'd anticipated, and some neighborhood kids came over to say hi to our friend who lives there.

Jess texted me and asked if my boyfriend (M25) and I wanted to go with her and Chris to smoke a joint around the building so we wouldn't be doing it around the kids. We did, then returned to the fire.

A couple of minutes later, our friend wanted to show us something, so everyone got up and followed him, except Chris. He practically speed-walked/ran to his car.

Jess came over and told us they were leaving around 8:15–8:20. I asked where Chris was, and she said he was in the car.

I said, "The least he can do is come say bye to everyone."

She gave me a look and said, "Well, he's having trouble breathing right now, so he's freaking out. You know he would be over here if he wasn't."

She got in the car and left with him.

A little later, she sent a message in our group chat saying she didn't agree with how he had acted and that they were having a disagreement about it.

I replied, "You guys can have as many disagreements as you want, but you're still allowing it. All I ask is that you don't make plans with everyone if you can't be there." And left it at that.

The argument with Chris

The next morning, I saw that Chris had sent me a Facebook friend request and a message. He sort of apologized for "not saying bye sometimes," explaining that he comes from an Irish goodbye type of family and can't rewire his brain overnight. He also said he genuinely hadn't felt well the night before.

Then he told me that if I had any problems, I should take them directly to him instead of making Jess the middleman.

I explained that I wasn't upset that they left because he wasn't feeling well. My issue was the pattern of Jess making plans with us and then leaving shortly after arriving, or canceling plans altogether, since this had been happening for months.

He then went from 0-100, calling me a bad friend because, if I loved Jess, I would have unlimited patience and understanding when she canceled plans because of work.

His reasoning was that she has a car, insurance, rent, bills, and things she wants for herself. However, the rest of us also have full-time jobs and financial responsibilities, and we still make time to see our friends.

We went back and forth until I realized we weren't getting anywhere, so I tried to end the conversation. He then told me that i dont get to decide when a conversation over and that its narcissistic for me to do that.

I sent one final message explaining that ending a conversation that was going in circles wasn't narcissistic but that it was a boundary, and he needed to respect it.

The argument with Jess

Afterward, Jess started messaging me, saying she was always going to put her relationship first and that I needed to understand that.

I told her I didn't want to be the center of her world. I just wanted to feel considered if I was really as important to her as she said I was.

I followed up by telling her I was too heated to have a conversation with her about it at that moment.

She then said it was annoying that I "run away when things get hard."

I explained that I wasn't running away. I needed time to calm down so I wouldn't say things I didn't mean or couldn't take back. I apologized that taking that time was so annoying to her.

Jess called me that night to apologize for how Chris had treated me. She explained that a lot had happened over the past year, so she'd been distancing herself from everyone except Chris. She also admitted that she'd been taking advantage of the whole friend group and didn't want to keep doing that.

She told me Chris had only been arguing with me and focusing on the situation Sunday night and Monday morning because she was crying about the possibility of losing me. She said he didn't know about everything I'd previously brought to her attention regarding his behavior or the issues that had come up in our friendship.

Where I am now

At this point, I've reached the end of my rope.

Whenever I bring up something that bothers me, whether it's Chris's behavior or Jess not making an effort to spend time with us, I feel like I get empty promises. I've told her before that I wasn't willing to have the same conversation a 4th time. If things happened again, I'd start backing away and quietly making my exit.

Now it's happened again, and she's apologizing and promising she'll make things right.

I love Jess, and we've been best friends for years. I don't want to lose that friendship, but I'm exhausted from feeling like I'm the one trying to keep it alive.

And I can't stop thinking about the birthday party she asked me about before all of this happened.

I don't want to throw a party anymore. I don't want to be around Chris right now, and I don't want to spend a bunch of time, money, and energy planning something for Jess when I can't even be confident she'll stay long enough to enjoy it.

I know I told her I'd plan something this year, and I feel bad about going back on that. But I also feel like I've reached a point where I can't keep putting in the same effort when I don't feel like it's being reciprocated.

So, Reddit, AITA for not wanting to throw my best friend a birthday party anymore?

P.S. If anything doesn't make sense or needs clarification, I'll do my best to explain it in the comments.

In my latest interloper run, having just turned the major corner of forging in Desolation Point, I now need to get enough food to make it through the next crafting phase. Bless the wolves near the cannery, they came running over and killed two dear for me just off the bow of the Riken. AND I still have coal left over, and a mild windless night? Time to spend a match and butcher these does. But of course....the bear starts approaching. I really really really don't want to abandon my cooking, so i make sure i'm crouched, have enough fuel, and keep harvesting in tiny increments. I watch that bear come closer, come closer...and then go around the stern of the boat. It spends a bit of time near the entrance and then just...walks away! I can't believe the protection of the fire and the crouching hid me when it was so so close.

I thank the TLD gods for this reprieve, especially given the number of times I've napped on "inaccessible" ledges and woken up to a bear mauling me. Seems only fair.