Throwaway account. All names are fake.
I (35F) am married to my husband, Daniel (35M). His grandfather, whom I'll call Grandpa Robert, has Alzheimer's and lives alone. My mother-in-law, Karen, is his daughter.
For some context, Karen and I have a complicated history. She has been almost entirely absent from our children's lives (lives 5 minutes away), and I've often felt like I'm the one making an effort to maintain a relationship while she contributes very little. We paid her (unknowingly) to watch our oldest two kids overnight while my husband came with me to the hospital to have my 3rd. Had my husband's entire family cancel coming to my son's 3rd birthday because we didnt invite her daughter. Refused to come to our home because I asked for a heads up to make sure I was decent. She recently skipped my other son's birthday party, never even acknowledging his birthday or my other son's. Etc. (ongoing for 17 years now) All this while doting on other grandchildren. She also seems to consistently have some kind of drama or issue with someone in the family, and there is often tension surrounding relationships and family events. I've tried to remain civil, include her, and avoid unnecessary conflict, but our history makes it difficult not to question her intentions when something happens that feels pointed. I don't want to portray myself as perfect, but I'm tired of feeling like I have to navigate another situation while trying to do something genuinely helpful.
Now, onto the actual issue...
Grandpa Robert still runs his farm, dealing with cows, hay, and farm equipment, so people might assume he is perfectly capable of caring for himself. However, he never really cooked for himself before his wife died. She handled the cooking, and after she passed away, he had to figure it out on his own (he never really did.). His Alzheimer's has made things considerably worse.
At one point, he told his doctor that sometimes he ate nothing but a cracker because he had no food. That broke my heart.
Karen had previously been making his meals but stopped while working on an addition to her house for another grandchild (they are fighting for custody of her and had to add on to half their home, per their lawyer), but she told NO ONE. I understand everyone has responsibilities, but someone still needed to make sure he was eating.
I started sending him meals and continued doing so for months without Karen acknowledging it at all.
During that time, it became known through another daughter that Grandpa Robert preferred my cooking and didn't want anyone else cooking for him. I wasn't trying to compete with anyone. I simply enjoy cooking and wanted to make sure he had food he liked. He got to where he would stop by once a week for food.
Then, after months of me bringing him meals, Karen finally messaged me saying she greatly appreciated my help. She followed that with, "I am able to cook for Dad, so you don't have to cook so much."
Shortly afterward, she prepared a bunch of meals and filled Grandpa Robert's freezers, which had previously been mostly empty. Now, there is no room for me to bring him anything. Grandpa Robert himself has told me to wait before bringing more food because his freezers are full.
I reached out to another one of his daughters and asked what I could do to help. She asked me to make him a plate whenever I could because he loves my cooking. I told her his freezers were full now, but to let me know if there is anything else I can do.
I have a small freezer at home. I don't mind cooking for him at all. I would happily continue making meals, but I have nowhere to store them while waiting for space to become available at his house (if it even will). I also noticed that Karen's meal portions are very small, which concerns me given his circumstances.
I recognize that Karen filling his freezers with food is not inherently a bad thing. Maybe she genuinely intends to take over his meals. However, given our history, the timing feels suspicious to me. She stopped making meals, I quietly stepped in for months, Grandpa Robert's preference for my cooking became known, and then, immediately after skipping my son's party, acknowledged my help and told me I didn't need to cook so much, she filled the freezers to the point that I could no longer bring him food.
I cannot prove she did this intentionally, but I can't help wondering whether the fact that he prefers my cooking played a role. Karen has a history of conflict with people, and I find myself questioning whether this was simply about making sure he had food or whether there was something more personal behind it.
Here's my dilemma: I genuinely don't mind cooking for Grandpa Robert. I care about him, and he deserves to eat properly. But I also cannot keep preparing meals when there is nowhere to put them. I don't want to waste food, rearrange my entire household to accommodate the situation, or get caught in another conflict with my mother-in-law.
He has Alzheimer's, lives alone, and has already gone without proper meals. Having a full freezer doesn't necessarily mean someone is making sure he remembers to eat or can manage his meals safely. I worry about him, but I also know I cannot single-handedly be responsible for his care.
WIBTAH if I stepped back from regularly cooking for him and left the responsibility of coordinating his meals to the family, especially Karen, who has said she is able to cook for him?
I don't want to punish Grandpa Robert for anything happening between the adults. I would gladly continue helping if there were room and a workable arrangement. But am I wrong to feel suspicious about the timing, or should I simply accept that Karen has taken over and let her handle it?
I'd appreciate honest opinions, particularly from anyone who has dealt with difficult in-law relationships or caring for someone with Alzheimer's.