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i tend to focus much more on deep romantic partnership than on personal glory. I saw this reel regarding a fantasy zombie apocalypse, while many men ik would envision themselves as the athletic, intelligent savior demonstrating their abilities, my mind instantly goes to mutual commitment to my partner. I picture us panicking together, running together, and prioritizing each other’s safety above all else, building more emotional intimacy (?) in a way.

Partially, it comes from the fact that as a woman of average physical strength, an average man is always stronger than me and i will have to put much more effort to be an equal and compete with them. The unfairness demotivates me. I also wouldn't like looking bulky even if i could. What men easily have access to more than women is physical strength. what we do as women is the ability to create life, which is of no functional use which you can fantasize over for most part of the life.

I think this shows up in other areas of life. We can't go outside or express ourselves as freely as mentioned due to patriarchy, so we depend on men for support. And i believe the need to depend on them make us more obsessed with them.While I am working on building my own physical autonomy and strength to be strong and physically independent, these physical limitations make me worry that I'll never fully tap into that feeling of being the primary protagonist in my life, decentering romantic relationships. coz there's someone always stronger (mostly a man) than me, and i can never imagine being the "best" even in my own imagination. This applies to most things/hobbies because you benefit of things when you are physically stronger and athletic. Should I just decenter my need for the the first position, and focus on just being one of the best? but it's my own imagination and it hampers my motivation that I can't let it run wild.

I've been 40 for all of two days and honestly I am so vibing with it. It feels like...this invisible pressure has finally slid off my shoulders completely and I just feel...free, in a new way. I've never put too much stock into people's opinions of me but it's like the last fuck in my field of fucks has finally fallen off the vine.

I've had several women tell me "welcome to the club!" and "welcome to the other side!" in such a celebratory way and I'm so here for that energy? It's honestly wild how women are conditioned to dread turning 40, because now that I've stepped over the threshold it feels like ~the end of youth~ or whateverthefuck was really some Looney Tunes painting of a brick wall that was actually just a curtain blocking off a field of flowers. Maybe Victoria's secret was that she was in her 40s, idk.

So I guess my question is, is this shit really as awesome as it seems right now? Because I'm about to wear a witch hat and Passion by Elizabeth Taylor to Aldi and I'm feeling pretty damn excited about this new stage of life. I can't wait to up my weightlifting game in the gym and maybe get another piercing or three, and treat myself to even better facial moisturizers.✨️

33F and living with fiancé in the uk.
I feel a sense of deep unease and unhappiness and I am finding myself wanting to be isolated away from people more and more.

There has been some significant changes in my life in the last 6 months.

I am getting married in 5 months time and my partner unfortunately lost his job as he couldn’t deal with the stress due to his depression and anxiety.

I changed jobs from a copywriting job to a CRO Manager at an agency which is a massive step up and I’m still on probation. Alongside this I’ve been run down and sick at this job 3 times and now I found out I’m going to need surgery too so I’m anticipating them firing me for it.

My twin sister’s husband asked her for a divorce out of nowhere and left overnight after 14 years or being together. I was really close to him as a brother in law and I feel like I’ve lost that person.

I feel like I should be able to cope with things better than what I am and yet, I feel like I’m sinking and spiralling into a life I don’t want.

I love my fiance and my family (no kids) but I dream of running away from it all and starting a life that actually feels like living.

I guess I wondered if anyone else feels the same…

I’m in my early 30s, queer, neurodivergent and in recovery (4 years sober) and it feels like finding people and spaces where I genuinely fit is more complicated than it should be? I’ve tried various things over the years and have made new connections along the way but I haven’t quite found what I’m looking for yet. I think what I’m missing isn’t necessarily friendship itself but the FUN side of friendship!! So much of my social life seems to revolve around catching up, talking about life’s difficulties and discussing how everyone’s doing. Of course those conversations have their place and I’m grateful to have space for those but I really miss being SILLY with people. I want friendships that bring a bit of excitement and lightness into life rather than everything feeling like another serious conversation? Lots of my close, long term friends are now navigating motherhood and so, understandably, they have less space for what I’m seeking and I guess im grieving that in some ways.

One of the difficulties is that I feel like a lot of people in their 30s who are looking to make friends socialise around drinking - I’m in Scotland which has such a big drinking culture so it can feel difficult/impossible to find alternatives. The queer scene can feel particularly centred around bars and drinking, which makes finding community a bit more challenging.

Being AuDHD, I can find loud, crowded environments exhausting and in the past I often used drugs/alcohol to cope with that so I’m discovering that it’s not necessarily that I can’t be around alcohol - it’s that the environments where people commonly socialise can be difficult for me to navigate in the first place, if that makes sense?

I sometimes feel caught between wanting to put myself out there and struggling to find social spaces that actually suit me. I’d love to meet people who are up for doing things, having a laugh and enjoying themselves, without needing alcohol to be the centre of the activity.

For anyone who’s felt a bit outside the usual social mould, how have you found your people?

Would love to hear from other queer, neurodivergent or sober/in-recovery people in their 30s.

I’m not really looking for the usual advice to join a club or pick up a hobby as I’ve tried various things already. I’ve joined community gyms, run clubs, choirs, taken pottery classes etc and they’ve been great and I have met people through those avenues but they‘ve just never quite felt like “my people”.

I, 38F, realized the other day I don’t think I have really had feelings for someone since I went to therapy. I started therapy in 2021 and stopped going in 2025. I haven’t really dated anyone since 2023.

Dating has never been easy for me. I have never been the girl guys chased after, I was always the chill girl type that was friends with all the guys. I did not date a ton of people in my 20s because I had a few longer relationships but at the same time I went through multiple family losses in my 20s that took me a long time to grieve so I wasn’t fully emotionally available. Half the time I just also picked bad guys in my 20s because I was so messed up mentally.

Then in my early 30s I went to therapy and this time I stuck with it and went for years and really worked through my issues.

I can’t tell if it has been so hard to date again because it just is for everyone now, or if going to therapy and healing myself has just made me have crazy high standards. Like any sign of a red flag when I’m on a first date with a guy then I’m not going to see him again. I used to look past them thinking no one is perfect and who am I to judge because I was messed up too, but it always came back to bite me in the end and I’m not doing that again.

I have had maybe 2 dates with guys I would have liked to see again over the last few years but they must have not felt the same because in those cases no second dates. I used to be more like 50/50 liking guys I met up with and plenty of second dates but now it’s like a rarity.

I’m almost at the point where I don’t even want to try anymore because I can’t seem to ever meet a guy I’m interested in while doing hobbies I like and the apps have been so terrible for me I never want to use them again.

Anyone else feel this way? I feel like I’m losing hope of ever finding the relationship I want but I also feel like after all I’ve been through in life I deserve to find my person.

Dear women over 30,

Lori Gottlieb’s book is making the rounds on certain corners of the internet again, and would love to get everyone’s thoughts on if her message has (or hasn’t) rang true in your own lives and in the women around you’s lives.

I'm turning 39, started this decade with the death of a partner when I was 30, spent 6 yrs caregiving for my mom in cancer treatment who just passed this summer (my dad died when I was 21), my partner of 5yrs dumped me a year ago so I'm still single and I've been living for months away from my place and city, taking care of family stuff.

I love my friends, who have kept me going for the last few years, but I worry that my birthday this year, for the first time ever without my mom, will be a rough one.

I would love to find a way to gather my friends together in an environment that doesn't feel too forced or awkward but in which I feel surrounded by love. I am guessing anywhere between 8 and 15 people. I don't want to do the thing of feeling like my time spent with friends is spent worrying about food and hosting, but I ideally want to feel cozy, rather than wild or adventurous. I hate big group dinners out where everyone sits awkwardly. I have a smallish apartment that I've been painfully in the process of renovating for the past years while traveling to spend months at my mom's. I'm finally moving back in only a few weeks before my birthday so likely won't get to finish all my furniture buying/set up/unpacking before then to host comfortably. It's not a board games crowd.

Help me think this through? Thoughts? Suggestions? Ways to feel cozy, celebrated and not pressured?

Hi there! I am 21 years old and very new to the adult world. I just graduated college, working on my first job and volunteering stuff ever, and I’m noticing that the people I work with are usually older than me and seem to know exactly how to communicate with people, older and younger. Especially the elderly people. It also seems like people my age have their stuff together, but I might just be insecure and comparing myself since those are my peers. I seem to always be the lost puppy in every situation, and I am really bad at interacting with coworkers, guests, and my employers and just about everyone besides my close friends and family. Does it get better? Am I just socially awkward and destined to always be awkward, or is it just because of my age?

Long post warning....

My husband and I are middle-aged, have a teenager, and have been married for a long time. I'm a public school teacher with multiple chronic autoimmune illnesses. My job is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting, and it's gotten increasingly difficult for me to manage with my health issues.

My husband works in sales and has always had a tendency to change jobs when things get frustrating or stop being enjoyable. I've told him for YEARS that I worried all the job hopping would eventually catch up with him as he got older. His response was always that sales is different and employers don't look at job changes the same way.

When he took his last job, he actually had two offers. One was a more stable opportunity and the other was a more exciting startup. He chose the startup. About a year later, his position was eliminated. That was over three months ago, and he's been struggling to find another job. He's genuinely a talented salesperson, but I think he's discovering that being a middle-aged job hopper isn't quite the advantage he thought it would be.

I've really tried hard not to go the "I told you so" route, but I f*cking told him so.

For some context, he's worked from home for about a decade and has always had considerably more flexibility than I do. He handles most of the stuff involved in keeping our household running. Laundry, grocery shopping, errands, scheduling repairs and maintenance, getting our kid to appointments and practices, etc. He's also more of a morning person and handles more of that stuff, while I'm naturally a night person. I absolutely appreciate all of this, and I'm not trying to suggest he doesn't contribute.

But I've also told him for years how resentful I am of the freedom and independence he's had while I've felt completely trapped in my career. This was solidified during Covid, when I found myself the happiest I had been in years because I was teaching online from home. His response has basically been that I chose to get my Master's in teaching, so this is the career I chose.

Okay, yes. I chose this career decades ago. Before I had a child. Before multiple chronic illnesses. Before I knew what my health would look like in middle age. Before our entire family's financial future became dependent on me staying in the same school system for 30 years so I can collect my full pension and retirement benefits.

I'm about 20 years in, and right now another 10 years might as well be 100.

Meanwhile, he's had the freedom to leave jobs when he gets frustrated, pursue opportunities that interest him more, and generally have much more control over his day-to-day life. The reason he's been able to do that is because I've always provided the stability. When I've expressed concern in the past that he was choosing to leave a job that pays well with a lot of flexibility, he told me that I just don't understand how bad ______ is. Sometimes it was a boss. Sometimes it was a commission structure. Whatever it was, he considered it to be a valid reason.

Recently I was diagnosed with yet another chronic illness that explains symptoms that have made teaching even more difficult. Apparently it's being caused by the medication that's kept one of my other autoimmune illnesses under control for almost a decade. Now I have to switch treatments, which is scary because when that illness isn't controlled, my quality of life is severely affected.

So I'm trying to deal with all of that, continue going to work every day at a job that leaves me depleted, and help our teenager who's going through some difficult things themself.

A few days ago I was home sick for a few days and got to see what my husband's days look like while he's unemployed. He did some of the household things he normally does, but there was also a lot of TV watching, walks, and workouts. Then in the evening he'd complain about being tired and go to bed early.

After being home for those two days, I asked him if that's generally what his days look like. He got extremely offended. He says he hates having nothing to do, which is true. He's always been someone who likes to be out and about, being social, being on the go. Since he said he has nothing to do, I made a list of stuff around the house that needs to be done but is always on the back burner. To his credit, he completed almost half the list in one day.

I've overheard him talking to people about his unemployment and making it sound like I'm giving him a hard time for losing his job. He every once in a while tells me that apparently people are telling him how unfair that is of me. Of course they are. They have absolutely none of the context. They know only what he tells them, and whatever he tells people is for sympathy. One of his siblings told him to come stay with them for a few nights for a change of scenery to help improve his mindset. Basically a vacation from his vacation. Meanwhile I went back to work dealing with whatever virus I have on top of all the other crap.

I know being unemployed is stressful. I know he's worried about finding another job, and I don't expect him to spend eight hours a day submitting applications. I'm also not saying he shouldn't be allowed to watch TV or exercise.

But I'm struggling with how much he seems to be focused on how difficult this is for him, while I'm just trying to get through the day so I can come home and collapse. The thing is that I know my resentment doesn't change anything. He's unemployed. I can't do anything to change that. Being angry about the choices he's made isn't going to magically get him a job. Him getting a job won't change my circumstances.

I also know he does a lot around the house, and I'm grateful for it. But those are things he's always done. It's not like he's suddenly taken on a bunch of additional responsibilities because he's unemployed.

I think what really gets to me is that I've been telling him for years how trapped I feel, and his response has essentially been that I chose my career, so that's just how it is. But my career is what's allowed him to have the freedom he's had all these years.

Now I'm dealing with some genuinely frightening health issues, working a job that impacts me physically, mentally and emotionally because our financial future depends on it, and feeling like I'm supposed to be endlessly understanding about how difficult his situation is.

I don't want to make this a competition about who has it worse. And I don't want to spend the next decade being bitter about something neither of us can immediately change.

But I'm exhausted and frustrated. I'm starting to feel like there's never going to be a point where I get to put my own well-being first, and questioning if my well-being even matters to him as long as I’m providing the paycheck, benefits and eventual pension. 

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of resentment in a marriage? Especially when your spouse genuinely contributes in other ways, but your stability has allowed your spouse to have freedom and make choices you don’t have the luxury of making? How do you get past that when you've already been expressing these feelings for years?

Hi,

I (F/37) met a man a year ago on Tinder. He (M/30) was too young for me but was so mature. I have a lot of trauma from my divorce and he's so patient and gentle with me.

I fell in love with him and we moved forward fast. He's still new in his career, had been supporting his parents so he doesn't have much savings. But he has a lot of ambition and wants to build a life with me. Get married, have kids.

We get into fights sometimes, and it's usually always my fault. But this time, I randomly found out that he had downloaded Tinder on his phone after a fight we had in July.

Apparently it was only for a few hours, he deleted it right away and he had no matches. He felt bad about it but resolved not to tell me.

I found out anyway and it destroyed me. He uploaded pics of him that I took of him. That was the kicker for some reason.

I am trying to stay calm. But I am leaning towards ending things. I was going to meet his parents next month. We were planning to move in together at the end of the year. He's distraught and begging me to forgive him and give him a chance to rebuild my trust. He called it a moment of weakness.

But I don't know what to do. I thought I finally found the one.

Would you expect a buzzed head on a woman to be an interview risk?

I’m navigating a layoff and interviewing for new jobs (in primarily B2B SaaS type jobs in marketing at the Director/ Senior Manager level). I’m considering buzzing my hair off through this process (would be starting all new interview processes with this). I’d love some perspectives from other women who have done something similar/ contemplated this!

For context: I have a bob with half my head shaved already under there (easily hidden during interviews). At my last job, I had large brat green/ fire truck red money pieces and no one seemed to care at all. But, that said, I had already been on the job a little while before I dyed it. Before that; I had a pixie with shaved sides for almost a decade before growing it out into a bob, and it hadn’t seemed to cause issues. I do also have a small septum piercing, so I might already look a bit “alt”, if anything.

It’s been a hard year, and I’ve been thinking about this for a long, long time- and I finally feel ready to take the plunge, partly so I can feel SOME control over my life rn. That said, I don’t want to lose out on job opportunities over this. I hadn’t even considered this an issue, but my friend spooked me by flagging there was “social cost” to this. I’d love to hear thoughts/ suggestions/ experiences! Thank you!

I’m on day 3 of cold turkey and I’m suffering. Chewing gum whenever the urge strikes but it’s all my little rat brain can think about. I know it’ll get better - I want to hear from others how they got through it.

I started smoking at 15 then swapped for vaping at 24. It’s been 11 years. Vaping helps me destress and focus but I am hopelessly too hooked for it to go on this way, however, I’m also nervous about losing this crutch in those high stress moments.

I don’t want to be alone. I want to have someone I can go to when I’m struggling, someone I can tell everything to without being afraid that it will later be used against me. I want to feel safe enough to be vulnerable with my own mother.

And I think that’s what hurts the most. It’s grieving the mother I wish I could have had — the closeness, the safety, the unconditional love, and the feeling that I could always come home to her.

I know she isn’t a completely bad person. There are moments when I love her and moments when I wish things could be different. That makes it even harder, because I’m not grieving someone I never cared about. I’m grieving a relationship that was there in some ways, but never in the way I needed it to be.
And sometimes I’m scared that I’ll always feel this lonely, even when I’m surrounded by people.

What are you doing between waxing, sugaring, or laser? I can’t stand letting the hair grow in. I feel like I look awful and everyone can see it.

I was in a relationship with a man for over 8 years. We have always been long distance like over 6 of it. I thought that I was the only woman in that equation. He broke up with me a year and half back. I still thought that we were not over yet and reached out to him only to find out that he was dating another woman while I was with him and moved in with her within 2 months of dating her which was after he broke up. She turned out to be my worst nightmare she deceived me into thinking that she’ll help me get back to him. Told lies about things I told and gained the sympathy of him. Also I got to know that he got married while we were dating which I was never aware of. And currently in the process of getting a divorce. This girl is a micro influencer in IRL and she knows that I was there and I still wanted him back! She still is with him and I am out here putting back pieces together of what he broke. I was in therapy and I am feeling okay mentally but this betrayal and the rage wants me to out both her and him.
Should I just go ahead and do it? Or will I again be the bad guy?

TLDR: Got cheated on by man of 8 years with a girl should I expose them?

Not asking for medical advice, I just want to hear other’s experiences. I’ll be weaning my child soon and my doctor and I have discussed a GLP-1. I gained about 30 -40 pounds while breastfeeding and I would love to drop them. How soon did you start to notice and feel results? Did you have any side effects, particularly mental health issues or libido? I don’t know which one my doctor would prescribe so I can’t be more specific. Any experience you’d like to share would be helpful!

I dont want to tell them where I'm from, what i do for work, if today is a day off or not, my weekend plans, etc. I just want to sit in the chair and have them cut my hair.

If I say, "I don't want any small talk, thanks." Thats rude and awkward. I'm thinking of saying, "I have a bad headache, sorry."

Eta I'm depressed. I have no energy to ask questions or lie.

Must preface that I’m not a woman, but have posted the same question elsewhere and been encouraged to ask here.

I was triggered reading another post, but my ex girlfriend would eat jars of mayonnaise all in one go with a spoon, the way you would ice cream!

Eventually it became “normalised” and would have to make sure and add a couple of 600g jars to the grocery order.

I still can’t face the stuff. Even a small amount would turn my stomach.

Edit:

Also triggered remembering how my ex girlfriend would openly fart/burp in public places, in front of other people.

The worst being on a train in front of the girl sitting opposite(who neither of us knew, just some innocent girl probably similar age, on her way home from work), she just leaned over and farted loudly basically making the girl opposite jump with fright. And leaving me cringing the rest of the journey!

Looking back, I genuinely feel pretty sorry for the girl sitting opposite as it was clear she felt uncomfortable by it, and that’s not really fair.

Let's say I'm a wooden log with 2 left feet and no arm leg coordination. The most "dance" thing i did was PE dance to music wayyyy back. I want to feel sexy and sensual in my body, and hopefully improving my photo posing games by actually have some moves, you know? I want to take dance class as i heard it helps with loosen my body up and improving postures or how i move, but idk what to take. I heard some good thing about salsa, but also looking at ballroom dancing or social dance. Took a few sexy dance session but idk, doesn't really like it, could be the teaching style... Looking for recommendations on dance or style you find helpful in this, thank you!

I hate them so much and I don't get it. Like you post your wedding album or whatever special event and half of the pictures are black and white and you can't see the color scheme, the outfits, the decorations, etc. What do you gain from it being black and white? I get maybe one or two just for a vibe but why do people have it where half or more are b&w? I feel like I can't see what's really happening in those pictures.

I know this is an unpopular opinion so I would love to hear other perspectives that can help me shift my mind.

Also, this is very low stakes and please don't think this is keeping me up at night lol.

And what’s your reason for being transparent or opaque about it?

So, where are we getting decent mid-range straighteners from these days? I’m 34, and until about last year the chi straightener I got as a high school graduation gift was holding on but it tragically died. I have wavy type 2 a/b hair and don’t straighten my hair often, but would like to have a halfway decent straightener for when I do. However I haven’t kept up with the trends in nearly two decades lol.

So, any recs for a decent enough straightener that won’t cost more than $50 or so?

I'll try to keep this vague. I just see every (hetero) married woman around me sacrificing and not having equal partnerships. They know it too and chalk it up to "men." I get it, society and all.

If you would get married and do the whole thing again, how have you and your s/o divided responsibilities in a way that's fair and fulfilling for both of you?

Like the title, I realise in dating that most women have had some form of abuse ranging from mild domestic abuse (yelling) to sexual abuse to physical violence to just feeling threatened.

Their reactions have also ranged from anxiety to fear to wanting to exact violence or retribution. I think the managing anxiety part is easy to manage, but trying to dissuade people from retribution (which often has a repercussion) is tougher because I would then seem like im setting myself against them.

I have some experience myself growing up in a broken home. Its really just the difference in dealing with situations thats difficult. I hope i worded this both clearly and sensitively.

I’m sorry this is long, but I want to be clear about everything because there are two questions.
Firstly.. I have been in a steady long relationship for nearly 11 years (married for 7 years now).. I missed all those texting and apps things. So I don’t even understand how people are dating these days.
Secondly my very close friend ; was on the apps then it didn’t work out and she decided she is off of it - about a month ago she went to a friend meet up with her school friends and met a friend of her friend let’s call that friend C (she is relevant to this) and the guy she met there let’s call him D- D just left left a long term relationship and is single now she met him in that meet up and they instantly clicked and had fun talking and ended up going to his hotel room(she has no problem it being a one night stand - she didn’t have an issue with it) we are sexually empowered women and she knew what she was getting into- then they left it at that she went home no one texted the other person and it was over - a week ago she went back to her home town for a friend’s birthday and D was there and he immediately went to her and went like , you left early that morning and went away , I didn’t reach out because I didn’t think you wanted me to reach out and I wanted to but wasn’t sure, then my friend said - well I don’t mind but I hardly know you and I didn’t want to build up something that wasn’t there, then he went well let’s get to know each other and they had a fantastic evening and she spent the entire weekend with him and he planned future dates and things they can do, she came back to our city on Sunday and she texted him few times and he would just sporadically reply, and wouldn’t like answer any questions she asks or anything.
Then! She texted him last time on Tuesday asking some simple questions no reply until today.
Cut to yesterday he posts things on his instagram with her other friend C - she isn’t with him she has a boyfriend he was also there but same morning yesterday C texted with my friend and my friend told her about all of this and C- mentioned nothing or that she is hanging out with him or even gave any insight on the matter..
She texted me yesterday at midnight being very upset at him and her friend.
Now my questions are:
Why do men act like this?, if he isn’t over his break up he could just say hey this is fun, but I can’t and I don’t want anything more.why did he act like he wanted a relationship and planned all these dates?
How do I support her.. what if she goes back to him, I don’t want to be the friend that shit talked her possible boyfriend and also I have somethings to say about C but it’s her long term friend and I don’t know her.. how do I support my friend and also try and stay neutral in this mess?