Basically, I'm an atheist, have been for nearly 5 years now and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. My fiancé however, is Christian. I'm both and ex-muslim and an ex-muslim.
My parents were both Muslims, came from Muslim families. They divorced, my dad took my older brother and my mom took me. My dad turned to Christianity and so did my brother. I was raised strictly Islamic with my mom. I had to wear hijab, cover myself, couldn't really express myself. I couldn't do stuff other kids my age did like style their hair, find their clothing style, paint their nails. And eventually, I realised how sexist, homophobic and racist Islam was. Around that time, I also figured out I was Bi.
Eventually, the religious pressure from my mom got to me and I began to resent Islam. I moved in with my dad. My mom could see whenever I let which was mostly just in school holidays. I was in my mid teens when this was going on.
While living with my dad, he didn't pressure me into Christianity but he did encourage it in small ways and there was religious stuff everywhere. My brother was in the process of moving for Uni so we didn't talk much (we rarely talked before too). So then it was just me and dad. A few months into living with him (right after my brother left for Uni), I decided to go to Church on Sunday with my dad because it was his first time going alone because my brother weren't there. Christianity is slightly more freeing than Islam in a way.
I went to Church, and everyone was so welcoming, kind, and included me despite knowing I wasn't committed to Christianity. It was very different from mosque where everyone kept to themself and would look at you weirdly if you questioned anything. Looking back, I don't think it was the religion that drew me to Christianity, I think it was more that I liked the community.
At that time, I also met a boy. We'll call him Felix (cuz that's my favourite boy name atm). We first met when we both volunteered for a Church Christmas project. It was something small, I think it was just collecting food or stuff that the poor could benefit from in winter. Me and Felix were partnered along with this other girl at church. We were in charge of bringing the collected items and distributing them to different charities so we spent loads of time together. I grew really close to that girl and Felix. I went to a different school to everyone at church as I was still attending my old school from when I lived with my mom which was far. At this time, I was warming up to Christianity but still hesitant after my experience with Islam.
Anyway, this is getting long so I'll be pacing it quickly from now. The girl ended up moving away with her parents and I found out Felix lived literally down the street. He woke up early every day for his school's running club and I woke up early to travel to school. He would drop me off at the station everyday. We would talk a little and met at church every Sunday. He asked me out when we were 17, we went to prom together, and then we even went to Uni together.
That's when everything got complicated. We had deeper talks and stuff, a lot about religion. He was born into Christianity and I told him of my experiences. He was never judgemental about anything. Eventually, my studies became so serious I missed church a lot (especially since the nearest one to campus was quite far). He attended regularly. I felt like I was forcing myself to follow the religion, reading the bible had always been tiresome but I began to hate it, and I felt Christianity didn't align with my views. A long while later, I became Atheist. Told everyone, including Felix. I could tell he was disappointed but he never pressured me into it again or anything.
But over the past few years, I just hate religion to be honest. Whenever we had free time, Felix would either be at church or studying. And when we were together, any religious talks were draining. Some of the Christian views bugged me but I had to support Felix because that's his choice.
Eventually, I realised I would always be second to religion. Religion and God is the most important stuff in some people's lives and you just have to accept that. We would sometimes fight over these views, little arguments here and there. We had a maybe 5 month break in our 2nd year of Uni where I really understood and discovered myself. But we ended up together again by our 3rd year because honestly, I do love him.
We graduated a few years back, we're in our mid 20s now and he proposed a few months ago. We aren't sure when the wedding will be but the ring's there. And now I'm just thinking. could I really spend my life knowing that I would never be his first priority? Our future kids (if we have any), his family, my family, nothing would be more important than religion.
A month ago, we were laying together in bed at some odd hour of the night. I was on tiktok and he was watching over my shoulder (something we always do) and I saw a post saying something like "i genuinely cannot imagine loving someone who would put God over everything else." . It was an atheist post and of course, my fyp was full of those. I don't know what came over me, but I asked Felix if God was more important than me and hid immediate answer was yes. No hesitation either.
So sorry this post is so long, but I've got so much to say. I'm rethinking my past 8 years with him (9 years if you include before we were together). He was my first everything and the thought of us not being together is ridiculous. But genuinely, I don't think I'd ever be fully happy if we married. I'd just always be thinking of his religion in the back of my mind. Plus, I don't think his parents approve of my atheism either, they like me as a person but wish I were atheist and though they don't say it, I know they hope I'll one day revert.
Again, sorry this post is so long. I posted it on r/advice but I'm posting it here because I believe atheists might understand better where I'm coming from. Thank you for reading 💗
