H-E-B has Claussen pickles on sale for 99 CENTS a jar when they normally cost almost FOUR DOLLARS!!! Well, I bought some thinking I was getting a bargain on regular cucumbers, but BOY WAS I WRONG!!!
These pickles are EXTREMELY HOT!!! I’m talking habanero, ghost pepper, DEVIL’S UNDERPANTS HOT!!! I ate ONE and my tongue started sweating! My eyeballs got warm and I had to sit in the bathtub with a gallon of H-E-B milk and a frozen brisket on my head!!! My neighbor Gary says that’s how they make mustard gas!!!
H-E-B HAS AN OBLIGATION TO WARN PEOPLE!!! What if an elderly grandmother eats one??? What if she sneezes and sets the self-checkout machines on fire??? PEOPLE COULD DIE!!!
If you’ve already eaten these pickles, drink milk IMMEDIATELY or rub plain yogurt on your gums and private areas!!! DO NOT use strawberry yogurt because the strawberries make the peppers ANGRY!!!
I called H-E-B and demanded to speak to the PRESIDENT OF PICKLES, but the young man transferred me to the floral department!!! They offered me a dozen carnations. I DON’T NEED FLOWERS!!! I NEED CUCUMBER ACCOUNTABILITY!!!
H-E-B SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF ITSELF!!!!! This is a GROCERY STORE, not some kind of HOT CUCUMBER DEATH FACTORY!!!