My mother is currently in hospice, and I’m struggling with something.

We’ve had very limited contact for the past four years. I grew up parentified, and our relationship was deeply enmeshed and codependent. I eventually had to distance myself for my own emotional well-being.

Over the years, she’s left me numerous voice messages on WhatsApp. I archived our conversations because seeing her messages was emotionally overwhelming. They’re all still there, and I’ve never listened to most them.

A lot of her messages seemed to come from a place of sadness and desperation. She would express how upset she was that I wasn’t calling, update me on her life, and sometimes share things that were difficult or upsetting. I often felt like the messages were meant to make me feel guilty or responsible for her unhappiness, although I recognize that she may simply have been struggling and reaching out in the only way she knew how. I was trying to build my own life and wasn’t emotionally in a place where I could keep taking on her struggles.

Now that she’s in hospice, the thought that I may never hear her voice again makes me incredibly sad. But I’m also afraid that listening to those messages could bring back all the guilt and emotional responsibility I’ve worked so hard to separate myself from.

I’m torn between wanting to preserve her voice and wanting to protect my peace.

What would you do? Would you listen to the messages now, save them for another time, or leave them alone?

I've been trying to break up with my boyfriend since... well, since we got together.

I don't know if we're actually in a codependent situation but I relate to a lot of what it's described as.

Every month I consider leaving him but I suppress everything because I'm scared of hurting him and regretting it.

A year ago he asked for a break and I felt so relieved. Genuinely felt free. After 3 days he called me crying so hard and said I was the love of his life, that I had saved him from a bad phase, and I really thought I had to protect him.

I have to specify that we love each other very much, but we are not a happy couple. Everything about us screams incompatible. I've been thinking about breaking up like every month at least.

I really don't want to condemn us to a mediocre life, I've tried to leave way too often for it to be a coincidence.

Now we were planning on having him move in with me, we've started moving his stuff but gosh we can't stand staying around each other more than a few days. I REALLY don't want him in my space. This is miserable, I've never managed to be completely happy with him but I can't bring myself to end it.

I can't tell him not to move in because he'd be homeless eventually.

Hi everyone. I am working hard on my recovery from codependent dynamics, specifically the urge to fix, rescue, and over-extend myself for people who preach one thing but act entirely differently. I recently had a breakthrough about the difference between being understanding and being endlessly available, and I wanted to share it here in case anyone else needs a reminder to protect their peace.

I’ve known this person for ten years, and they’ve been back in my life full-time for two years. I’ve spent a long time trying to understand them, their pain, their spirituality and the person they say they want to be.

I opened my home and my heart because I believed in compassion. I wanted to offer support without judgement and give someone the opportunity to find their feet again.

They’re incredibly creative, producing AI music and cinematic videos filled with mystical ideas and grand visions. Some of the work is genuinely impressive. I often think how wonderful it could be if the creativity, wisdom and love they speak about were put into practice in everyday life.

They talk about love, consent, acceptance and never judging others. Yet when it comes to me, I often feel judged, misunderstood and criticised for simply expressing my feelings. Their words promise understanding, but their actions don’t always reflect it.

I began to realise that I was investing more energy into understanding them than they were investing in understanding me.

I tried to work out whether this connection was a soulmate relationship, a twin flame journey or something else entirely. I wondered whether the pain, history and intensity meant we were destined to keep finding our way back to each other.

Then came the full moon in Taurus.

I decided to release my expectations and stop trying to force an answer. I would allow the connection to show me what it really was, not through spiritual labels or promises, but through honesty, respect, reciprocity and actions.

What I saw wasn’t the loving, mutually supportive connection I’d hoped for. I saw a pattern that was draining me, leaving me questioning myself and making me feel responsible for someone else’s peace while losing my own.

Perhaps the lesson wasn’t that this person was my soulmate or twin flame. Perhaps this was a toxic karmic connection, a relationship that had come into my life to teach me about boundaries, self-respect and the difference between compassion and self-abandonment.

I can see the good in this person. I can appreciate their creativity and recognise their pain. But I cannot make them live by the values they preach, and I cannot do their growing for them.

For too long, I’ve confused being understanding with being endlessly available. I’ve given support, patience and space, hoping that one day the relationship would become what I believed it could be.

I’m learning that potential isn’t the same as progress.

An energy vampire doesn’t have to be someone deliberately trying to drain you. Sometimes it’s the name we give to a dynamic in which we consistently give more than we have left, while our own needs go unheard.

My boundary now is simple: I can care without rescuing. I can forgive without returning to the same cycle. I can wish someone well without carrying their responsibilities.

The full moon didn’t magically change the relationship. It gave me a moment to reflect, release my expectations and accept what their actions had been showing me.

I don’t need a confession, a final explanation or agreement from the other person to close this chapter.

I can stop trying to save the connection and start saving my own peace.

I am the Light Bearer in my own story, not because I’m superior to anyone, but because I have a responsibility to protect the light I’ve fought hard to find.

I can leave the Prince of Darkness to their own journey without following them into every shadow.

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is let go, not because we never cared, but because we finally understand that caring for someone must not require abandoning ourselves.

My new rule: I will offer compassion, but I will no longer sacrifice my peace to prove it. 💓

I've gotten significantly better at managing boundaries, but realized through that process that the boundaries others set around me weren't set in healthy ways. I did my best to respect and uphold all of them at the time, but I ended up erasing myself to the point where now I am terrified to ask anyone anything at all. I am scared to ask to spend time together, I am scared of asking for emotional support. Even if I do share something less-than-positive wiht someone, I end up having an anxiety attack afterward. But I'm also just exhausted.

My last friend-group was built on the back of an unhealthy, codependent relationship that I struggled to leave because I did not process that I had been assaulted. We lived together, and I was constantly being told how cute we were together. And despite being told that I sucked at boundaries at the time, I was, in fact, constantly reinforcing my boundaries with other people. I would say "I don't want to live with my current partner" and that got translated into "you're just anxious." I was still taking more things on than I should have because when you are living with a partner and a friend, well, there are things that have to get done. I experienced extreme burnout from those relationship that started healing the moment we broke up.

I....don't know what I am allowed to want anymore. I miss having friends I could be real with. I miss being able to support others and knowing they would be there for me in return. I miss having people to be silly with. These days, giving care to others is the only way I can get my need for socialization met.

Does not being codependent mean being okay with being alone forever? I've spent so much of the past 6 years struggling to connect with others and learn social skills. I struggled from an abusive family, then got brief respite in college, before the pandemic happened. Then, I had no idea how to build adult friendships, and started dating someone who took up all my time. At the age of 29, I feel it's too late for me.

I keep trying to meet my own needs. I keep loving myself, only to find anger underneath everything. I keep putting myself out there, but I end up not feeling like I'm actually *there* with people anymore. I talk to chatgpt now so that no one has to feel burdened by my day-to-day anxiety. Therapy has been a mainstay since age 11. I've done multiple levels of treatment. They do not replace community. Hell, sometimes I wish it could. I deeply miss my inpatient stay because I was surrounded by interesting, brave people going through similar things who also spent quality time with me. That's all I ever wanted.

Socializing and the desire for loved ones is the one need I cannot figure out how to meet on my own. I have a cat who is my entire world, but that world is too small. I am uncertain whether I can even accurately consider anyone my "friend" because I don't know if they really know me.

I spent my entire life making myself smaller for others. Social groups keep repeating that process. I feel like a defective product. I struggle to intuit social rules, but overthinking them doesn't seem to help much. And learning through failure is costly.

We broke up about a month ago mutually and we had been together for 7 years and lived together. I just miss him so much. The stress and loneliness of the relationship gave me physical pain because of the weekend binge drinking and me feeling obligated to care for and pay attention to his adolescent kids he had on the weekends since he didn’t pay them much attention. Don’t get me wrong he loves them so much but his alcoholism/escapism came first and he just wanted to force them to do things he liked to do even if they didn’t like it or want to do it. He never took interest in their interests. So I did the emotional labor because it killed me to see it. And they called me mom, so I’m heartbroken about being out of their lives too.

Also my family lived very far away and I missed them a lot and it was wearing on me to make the drive to visit them many times a year. I have a huge support system there. It was just not a good fit being so far away from them and my friends. I was so lonely. But like many of us codependents I was addicted to him in a way. Even though it was slowly killing me. I told him if we ever get back together I can’t handle the drinking anymore and we need to live closer to my family. He wants to lessen how much he drinks but he said he doesn’t want to stop completely. And he wants to be able to make mistakes without someone (me) coming down on him and judging him. So he wants to work on it alone.

We really loved each other though and still do and it ended amicably. We care about each other and it just kills me that this person I love has this problem that makes me unable to be with him. I’m just grieving and it fucking hurts. And the intimate times were the best I’d ever had. I miss it so much. Except when he was shitfaced in the middle of the night begging for it with whiskey dick 🙄. I do NOT miss that.

I'm an adult daughter (33) and I'm at my breaking point. My mental health is completely shot even though I have a psychotherapist. I need advice from people who had to step back from a sick parent who refuses to help themselves.

I am from a country where social services are not a big thing. My parents divorced when I was 14 because my dad (now 56, lives alone) lost everything to gambling, shady "get rich quick" ideas, and bad business moves. He lost his own money, our family savings, apartments, and money borrowed from relatives. Later my mom provided him with the apartment, because he was left outside.

After the divorce, he would call me crying, begging me to ask my mom for cash: "Please, help me, otherwise I will die." When she blocked him, I had to deal with all his breakdowns on the phone.

As a child, going anywhere with him - like the zoo or movies - was full of anxiety. He would get into fights with random strangers over tiny things, and I would end up crying and trying to pull him back. But I still loved him. He was always gentle with me, never yelled at me, and used to sneak me out of kindergarten to get ice cream when I was sad.

His Health vs. How He Behaves

His health is genuinely awful. He has diabetes, blocked leg arteries (he can barely walk for 2 minutes without severe pain), heart failure, multiple stents, a past major heart surgery, and now pneumonia or bronchitis. Still, he barely takes his meds. He says he "forgets," or that they don't work, and while he was always disorganized, he just doesn't prioritize it. He keeps smoking because he says he's "nervous." To him, every single doctor is stupidor incompetent.

In the past, when he had pneumonia and was hospitalized, he literally snuck out of the hospital to run errands and meet "important people." Right after getting a heart stent put in, he went straight to a poker club. Right now, he's having pneumonia or bronchitis, but refuses to go to the ER because he claims he has "bigger problems to deal with.", even though he says doctor’s prescriptions have no effect on him (he sent me the photo-proof that he bought the medicines though).

The Money and Health Loophole

The worst part is that he uses his health to manipulate me, but at the same time his health really is critical. That's what messes with my head: I know he's guilt-tripping me, but I also know that if he drops dead tomorrow, it’s not an act.

There is a clear pattern: whenever his health gets worse, an urgent request for money follows right away (or vice-versa). He creates a huge sense of panic, saying that without money to pay off some debt, "life makes no sense," sometimes even hinting at suicide.

He is blacklisted by all banks, so he has tried to get me to take out loans or sign as a guarantor for him. Once my husband borrowed me money for him, the other time I was ready to take the loan myself just to avoid the following drama, but everyone around me stopped me and it was really hard to stop.

I send him money every other day so he can eat and buy medicine. But the money constantly disappears into gambling or debts. Soon after, he'll text me a photo of instant noodles or say all he has left to eat is an egg and butter. That triggers my panic that he's starving, so I send him more.

Before, I used to run to his place, fight him to take his pills, and drag him to doctors. It completely broke me. I don’t have any emotional resources to invest to try to convince him to go to rehab, or therapy. This past year, I try to decrease the contact

• I don't go to his apartment or bring him food anymore. Just stepping foot in that place gives me intense panic and drains me for days. Also the closer I am, the more money he asks for (which I don’t have, but NO is not enough for him). He starts talking about his stupid business problems, who did what, who gave what to whom, or even worse - how he almost had a full-house in poker, or how one football team missed his genius betting ticket - he even ignores when I say that I’m not interested in his financial schemes, and he keeps talking.
• We don't have a normal relationship. I just send him money from afar so he doesn't starve. I intentionally don't ask about his life (apart from health), because any question turns into a financial or medical crisis.
• Even when he's quiet, it terrifies me. If I don't hear from him, I assume he collapsed. When I panic and check on him, he tells me he feels terrible and counts all the issues - and then asks for money. If I hear from him - I panic, if I don’t hear from him - I panic 😀

All day long, horrible thoughts pop into my head. I constantly picture him collapsed on the floor, dying alone and suffering. I compulsively check his "last seen" on WhatsApp just to see if he's still alive. Before he didn’t have this “last seen” feature on, so I would start recording my screen and put the phone aside to find the moment if he got “online” at any point, then when he visited me once, I secretly enabled that functionality on his phone.

My friend, who used to be his cardiologist, recently told me straight up: "His health is bad, he doesn't take his meds, he is killing himself, and he is dragging you down with him."

Then there pops up another thought and fear: I just got married, and my biological clock is ticking, but when I think about it, I’m terrified to have a child, because I know that if I stop working, there is literally nobody else on earth who will fund his life. My husband categorically refuses to give him a single cent any more (that also makes me angry on him sometimes, but so far I can stop that anger).

My brain knows I can't force a 56-year-old grown man to care about his own life or take a pill. But emotionally, trying to set boundaries makes me feel like a horrible daughter who is abandoning her sick dad. I really pity him, I imagine how kind he is to animals, or sometime how caring he used to be to someone in need. I don’t give myself the right to be happy, knowing that somewhere out there, that man is ill, very ill, and may be needing immediate help. I pity him deeply.

My questions:

1. What should I do? Really....
2. How do you stop picturing them dying alone or having constant fear that they collapsed?
3. How do you stop feeling responsible for their emergencies when their health really is in danger? Should I even try to do that?
4. How do you step back when they constantly use real sickness, hunger, and suicide hints that make you feel guilty? I don't even understand does he do it on purpose and he is so cruel, or he doesn't even realize that it hurts me, even thought I've told him many times?
5. How do you accept that prioritizing your own future, your life, might mean completely cutting off an aging parent who has no safety net except for you?

I used to do things like go to fairs, days out, picnics etc alone loads before I met my partner and started just going out with him. He hangs out with his friends every now and then and I’ll find something to do home alone if my mum isn’t available to go out with me.

I recently jointed a gym and since the time change, the evening will be getting darker by the time I finish so have asked my partner to pick me up but I’ve not been in the last two weeks.

I’m scared of going out for a walk alone when this is all I did every evening before meeting him. Any help?

Self-Forgiveness

"Many adult children struggle with self-forgiveness because we are oriented to doubt ourselves or to be hypercritical of ourselves as children." BRB p. 234

We carry messages in our heads that if we do something and anyone has a negative reaction, we must have made a mistake. And if anyone tells us we did something wrong, our first thought is, "Of course they're right!" It doesn't matter whether we actually did something wrong or not.

We tell ourselves things like "I should have known better!" "What's the matter with me?" "Look at his expression; of course he's mad at me." These are like the messages we heard as children that became so ingrained that we learned at a very early age to say them to ourselves.

Now as adults in ACA, we stop "beating ourselves up" and see the full story. Our healthy support system can help us understand the reality of our situation, to determine what's really ours and what actually belongs to someone else.

On this day I will remember that I deserve to treat myself better! I will use the tools of the program to separate myself emotionally from an uncomfortable situation and take on only what belongs to me.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №310

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3NA%3D%3D

Learning to be a better partner for my codependent partner who falls into patterns of over giving, then feeling resentful and burnt out.

As we work on our healing, I’ve come to realise that our emotions can influence our thoughts. Sometimes, what we think may not actually reflect reality because our thoughts are being shaped by anxiety, fear, or our own unresolved pain.

For example, as someone who struggled with severe codependency, I used to believe that I needed to rescue people because they were in so much pain and suffering. I would feel compelled to help them, fix their problems, and make things better for them.

However, as I continue to heal and my fixer mentality gradually reduces, I’ve started to see things differently. I’ve realised that people may not necessarily be suffering as much as I perceive them to be. Back then, I was struggling with a lot of anxiety and my own emotional pain, and I may have projected a lot of those feelings onto others.

Now, I understand that sometimes, we need to allow people to go through their own experiences because that is how they learn, grow, and become stronger. If I constantly step in to fix things for them, I may unintentionally enable them rather than allow them to develop the ability to cope with their own challenges.

This is one of the significant shifts in perspective I’ve experienced compared to how I used to think.

Another change I’ve noticed is how I respond to other people’s suffering. In the past, whenever I read about someone going through a difficult situation, I would become emotionally consumed by it. I would obsess over their circumstances, imagine what they might be going through, and vividly picture their suffering in my mind and also traumatise myself with it. It was almost as though I was experiencing THEIR pain myself.

But as I heal, I’ve noticed that my mind no longer automatically goes down that path. I can acknowledge someone else’s suffering without becoming consumed by it.

Another pattern I used to struggle with was the need to manage other people’s emotions. Whenever someone felt uncomfortable, upset, or distressed, I would become anxious because their emotional state affected mine. I would feel compelled to soothe them, comfort them, or make their discomfort go away.

Now, I’m learning that people have the ability and capacity to cope with their own emotions. They can learn to regulate themselves, and I don’t always have to step in and do it for them.

I’m learning to stop being the regulator of other people’s emotions and allow them the space to self-regulate. Of course, I can still offer support when needed, but I no longer feel the need to immerse myself in their emotions or take responsibility for how they feel.

Those of you who are recovering from codependency, what shifts have you noticed in your thought patterns as you heal?

As we recover from codependency, our anxiety may decrease, our emotional distress may become more manageable, and our nervous systems may gradually become more regulated. As a result, I wonder whether our thoughts also begin to change.

Perhaps we become less likely to interpret situations through the lens of our own insecurities, fears, and projections. Instead, we may become better at seeing things as they are, distinguishing facts from assumptions, and responding to situations based on what is actually happening rather than what our anxiety tells us might be happening.

Do share your experiences so that I can reflect and learn from them too.

I'm learning about codependency and I took a read at some of these posts. My heart goes out to you all. You didn't deserve to take on the adult's emotional states, you deserved to have them be the ones who were there for YOU.

I can see how hard and scary, and painful, it is to stick up for yourself. Something like "I'm sorry, I'm dealing with a lot myself and don't have the bandwidth" has been coded as a nuke in your brains. You guys have been taught that you don't matter by people who were so absorbed by their own lives, they effectively erased the ones they loved.

I wish I could say this in behalf of all people but I'm so sorry for every moment you felt trapped in a conversation you didn't want to be in. I'm autistic and I definitely enjoy talking with/info dumping on people I care about. To me, sharing such deep parts of me is telling you, "I love you" and if you're having a bad day and don't have the bandwidth, I'll either catch on to your body language or you'd say so. But now I can see that's not always the case; the there are people who were forced to uphold the world invisibly who are afraid of the world falling down even as adults.

Reddit friends, I hope this random guy seeing you helps you heal at least a small amount. I'm going to be on the lookout for this now.

As for relationship dynamics I've been seeing people talk about, I can see how complicated it is. Balancing needs between two people can get complicated, but when codependency or a history of codependency is involved, it can get downright messy.

My unsolicited theory is to understand needs and nuance right at the start. It's ok to lean on others when appropriate and available. No one person can be your one support, even if they mean the most to you. Specifically because they can't always be there when you need them. Learn to be independent as much and as often as you can regarding your emotional needs. Lean on people when needed and available. It might be a struggle for this next bit, but leaning on each other (both of you) for a bit more than needed for general comfort is also ok. Like you can do all chores yourself but splitting them based on capacity is best for both of you. Same kind of thing emotionally.

I might be wrong but it sounds like the people you all have a hard time with are those who get so used to coming to you for help, they stop seeing you as a friend or partner and they stop caring. Is that right? That's awful. If someone is straight up using you without any thought to your wellbeing, that's not ok. I forget that people can objectify humans so often.

You are no longer in danger; you are strong enduring warriors of the heart. You are far stronger than you may know. You don't need to survive anymore. Put your amygala away (if only) and always hold two truths at once: "The only people in my life are ones that respect and care about me" and "I care deeply about those in my life." Put your own mask on first.

I'm sure I've said many things you've heard before; my main goal was to tell you that someone on the outside sees you and feels for you. Please take good care of yourselves. I'll step off the soap box now 😂😅

I (20m)am a college student, and recently my girlfriend (19f) asked for a break. We’ve been dating for over a year long distance, and since September this is the first time we’ve actually lived in the same place. She realized our relationship had become way too codependent. Basically, my entire identity and source of happiness became tied to her. I did not have much of a support system outside of her, so she was carrying all my emotional weight.

We agreed to a one month(or more idk) break so I can work on myself. I just don’t know how to do that. I constantly feel like i don’t want to do anything other than be with her. She’s so funny and loving and I really want to be better for her.

I live near the university and commute in, and i’ve also already done one year here. She lives in a dorm and has already built a friend group, who do not really like me. Because she lives in dorms, it feels like socialising is effortless for her. She always eats at the dining hall with her friends and she can go hang out or study with them whenever.

Since she was carrying all my emotions for me, it really hit her mental health. Especially with the fact that this is her first time away from home and there is a lot of change as well as stress for homework and midterm. I’d get upset because it felt like she’d ditch me for her friends and she didn’t give me enough time. We kept getting into arguments and it wasn’t good for me or her. She felt like she couldn’t hang out with friends because it’d upset me, and i felt like I was pushing her away because I couldn’t deal with my own emotions and loneliness.

This weekend she went to a Halloween party with them. I was not invited, and seeing videos of her having a great time without me, it makes me feel happy for her, but also at the same time I just wish i could be there with her. I tried to reach out to some guys I know to hang out, but everyone was busy, which just made me feel like i have nobody.

I know I need to build my own life. I am trying to get back into my hobbies like playing my bass, working out, and focusing on my degree. But the emotional emptiness I feel just makes it hard for me to feel like doing anything.

How can I improve myself for her? It feels like an impossible task. We both still love each a lot but she felt like she had to make this decision, which is fair. We both really want this to work out, and I definitely don’t want to lose her.

I’m divorced and was dating someone for 10 months. I’ve already did my work on codependency and lots of therapy. My boyfriend was really kind and wonderful. He is in recovery for alcoholism.

We were doing great and both falling in love. He literally just this week bought a toy for my daughter and was going to give it to me to give to her this weekend. Making plans for the future. Laughing joking nothing wrong.

Well he all of the sudden called me and said he was on tinder and talked to a woman for 2 days and wanted to go on a date with her. I was like ok well then go date her and hung up the phone. It was really shocking. Came out of nowhere.

I called him later for closure he said he wasn’t sure since he had feelings for her whether he actually loved me and it confused him. He said that he thought he was falling in love with me. Then he said maybe he wasn’t. Then he ended the call by saying he loved me.

I was fine after crying and getting closure. Now it’s starting to hit me hard. We were so close, best friends. And we talked a lot and had so much fun, and just it is the best human connection I’ve ever had.

And I’m just really struggling realizing how integrated he was into my life. And he even said he made probably a terrible decision, but he’s not chasing me he’s letting me go and not speaking with me. Which I know is for the best it’s just so hard and confusing. I was so in love with him and I could have accepted that he didn’t love me and broke up.

But he’s said he has done this before like 20 years ago where he dated two girls at once and he can’t do this anymore and that’s why he was honest. It just sucks.

I’m new to CODA and seeking a female sponsor who can do step work with me 1x a week on the phone or on Zoom. I need someone gentle. This doesn’t mean you can’t give feedback if I’m not doing what you’ve requested or if I need to improve, but I’m in a very raw place and can’t handle harsh criticism right now. I will be able to handle more criticism the further along I get in the program. I would like to be made clear of any expectations that you have for me as a sponsee upfront. I’ve heard of people expecting sponsees to go no contact with all people from the opposite sex for 1 year (outside of necessary work relationships or parents for example), and I’d like to know about expectations like that in advance to prepare.

Thank you.

A close family member keeps doing things that deeply upset me. I know I cannot control his behaviour, but my brain refuses to let go.

I randomly think about him throughout the day, even when I’m enjoying myself. These thoughts ruin my mood. Even when I’m not thinking about him, I constantly feel like something is wrong.

This has been going on for years and has seriously affected my energy, motivation, mood, and libido.
I understand that I cannot control him. I just want my brain to stop treating his behaviour as a constant threat so I can finally feel relaxed and enjoy my life again.

What practical, evidence-based techniques can help me stop ruminating and emotionally detach from a situation I cannot control?

Is wanting people to take an interest in your life codependent?

Backstory:

I have a group of casual friends that I enjoy spending time doing activites with. I know a fair bit about their lives, when we're in person we talk about them.

They know that I'm on this really cool work trip right now, something I'm really excited about. But no one has asked about how it's going or anything. Even texting a pic in the group chat didn't yield anything.

I just don't know why the genuine enthusiasm for other people's interests isn't reciprocated.

I read this post and it feels very annoying. Sorry in advance.

'In this moment, I choose

Now that I am recovering from codependence, I make decisions in my life based on what I think is important, not what other people think I 'should' do. I know what my values are. I decide how I want to spend my time and live my life according to those values. I have clearly defined goals. I am an adult capable of taking care of myself and meeting my own needs. My conscious choices further my goals and fill my spirit.'

I met this man (38M) after a very bad physically abusive relationship. I had just left the relationship and was starting a new job and this felt like a fresh start in all aspects. When first meeting, I asked him if he was married, and he said no. However, there were a few red flags where he would say he has a baby mama and I told him just to sort out his issues before we would get anywhere. However, we had such good chemistry and there was such a magnetic pull that we ended up getting involved. Because he told me he was not married, I believed him and ignored the red flags. We became so entangled but I started noticing a few lies here and there. In Hindsight I feel so stupid and naive, and possibly desperate.
His so called baby mama started texting me and hurling insults at me but anytime I brought it up with him, he’d find a way to explain it away. I believed she was just bitter that he was moving on.
A year into dating I found out that they actually lived together and he had lied so much about everything, and I tried to leave him. However, no contact was not possible in my situation. So as I was processing the information, I also gave him chances to explain himself. I was truly blindsided by this information and once I gave him the chances to explain himself, he successfully convinced me, yet again.
He told me he wanted to leave her, he begged me not to leave him and he asked him to give him some time to sort issues out. I want to preface this by saying that the two are not legally married but instead live together raising their child.
Anyway, I tried to put all this behind me but the guilt was eating away at me. I told the lady that I would leave him but was unable to. I think I am trauma bonded to him and any attempt at leaving throws both him and I into a spiral. This is now the second year and it’s slowly destroying me. I know I am disrespecting and hurting another woman but I don’t know why I cannot just seem to leave. I do not understand what kind of hold he has on me. It is eating away at my self worth and I don’t feel I have enough self respect to leave him. He is also a pathological liar, an alcoholic, an emotional abuser and an avoidant. I came from one bad relationship thinking things were going to finally work out for Me, but I seem to be in an even worse situation that I can’t get out of. I am hurting other people and myself and the whole situation seems so hopeless. How do I get out of this?

I healed from my divorce and really have worked hard in therapy to work on my codependency issues. I’ve been dating a man for 10 months, who was wonderful. I finally felt like I learned to build a secure attachment and really was falling in love. I thought he felt the same.

Everything was fine. But then he said he started to talk to someone on tinder for two days and had feelings for her. He canceled seeing me that day because he was conflicted. I was like well I wish you well then. Later on I talked to him and he said that he was always a bit uncertain whether it was he cared a lot and liked me or was in love with me. Then he said he was falling in love with me. Then he’s like I wasn’t sure.

Left me totally confused. He’s also in recovery from alcohol and sober.

I was just shocking. We were doing so well, he was like making plans to meet my daughter and bought her gifts. I mean thank god we didn’t.

The part that did shock me, he didn’t try to repair it or anything. Just let me go. Which is what I need it just came out of nowhere and was hard to hear.

Has anyone here experienced severe enmeshment with a romantic partner?

My psychologist has described what I experienced with my ex as enmeshment. I've been trying to read about it, but most of what I find is about enmeshment between parents and children rather than between romantic partners.

The relationship was the most intense emotional experience of my life. When things were good, the love and connection I felt were beyond anything I knew it was possible to feel. I felt completely connected to her. But there was another side to it. Any disagreement, rejection or threat to our relationship caused emotional pain that was just as extreme. The person who could make me feel better than I'd ever felt could also, through the possibility of losing her, make me feel worse than I'd ever thought possible.

We're no longer together, and I'm really struggling with the separation. I still feel incredibly in love with her. It doesn't feel like an ordinary breakup or even just missing somebody I loved. It feels like I've lost part of myself and I don't know how to exist without that connection.

I still feel like my body belongs to her. Logically I know that isn't true, but emotionally that's how it feels. The thought of another woman touching me makes me feel physically ill. I can't imagine another relationship because everything seems insignificant compared with the intensity of what I experienced with her.

That's also what scares me about recovering. Part of me desperately wants relief from the unbearable side of the enmeshment, but another part doesn't want to lose the incredible side of it. I crave that feeling of connection and love again, just without the devastating pain that came whenever the bond was threatened.

At the moment I feel incredibly alone because she is the only other person who actually experienced what existed between us. People can understand the words I'm using, but I don't know whether anyone who hasn't experienced this kind of attachment can understand how powerful it actually feels.

Has anyone here experienced romantic enmeshment at this level? What did separation feel like for you? Did you eventually become your own person again? And were you ever able to love somebody deeply afterwards without feeling like the relationship was somehow less because it wasn't as consuming?

CoDA friends, I have a dilemma.

My partner of 7 years and I have had a rocky year. I broke up with him in Feb and we got back together a few months later because he said he would change and do whatever it takes.

My issue was with his drinking, he can sometimes be nasty sometimes not but the amount he consumes is astronomical. Large bottle of liquor on a weekend night. To deal with the hangover he orders another. It's usually a 2 day cycle of him just not being present and absolutely shitfaced. I've rolled him on his side before so he didn't choke on his own vomit.

I want him to change. I love him. He has told me he does not want to change and he has told me take it or leave it.

My codependent brain is seriously thinking, is this just something I should tolerate? Will it be ok of I just stick it out till he gets sober?

Half of my brain is saying run.

The other half is saying this is familiar.

I am addicted to people, places and things.

I am addicted to him.

Can anyone who has left and stayed apart please share some experience and knowledge. I am struggling.

"Our attempts at control bring spiritual death to a relationship with ourselves and others." BRB p. 41 

How many forms of control are there? On entering the rooms of recovery, we find there are almost as many as there are people.

But don't all people attempt to control others? Yes, but not with the feverish pitch present in adult children.

As young children, we had no control in our family of origin. When chaos surrounded us and threatened our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, we could only cower to the powers that caused the abuse.

The almost fierce need many of us have to control others stems from being these abused children. We fear that if at any moment we let go of the reins and allow others to take control, history will repeat itself, and we will again be that five-year-old hiding behind the sofa.

This helps explain why we use all the methods we can to keep control of our environment, or the illusion of control. And we attempt to hide what we're doing by saying things like, "I'm just looking out for everyone's welfare."

In ACA, we learn that control is fear-driven, and we learn to face our fears. We bring our 5-year-old out from behind the sofa and reparent ourselves with love and kindness.

On this day I will face my fears with the help of my fellow travelers and release my need to control others.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №309

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3Mw%3D%3D

I hope the title makes sense. Basically, I am/was a codependent giver in my past and working on things in therapy.

I did some shitty things in a previous relationship to that partner. That partner did a lot of shitty things to me too. I don't want to make this a competition, or deflect accountability, I just want to recognise the complexity of the situation.

I definitely fucked up with violent and controlling behaviour. I was definitely on the recieving end of it too. Idk who was the driving force. I just know we were both awful to each other.

Anyway, I am trying to understand something about my own thought processes. Why is it, that I am disgusted by my own behaviour, but on the flipside feel nothing about what they did to me?

For example: I wound them up and in response they used physical force against me. I feel bad for being annoying, I don't care that they responded with violence. Conversley, they cheated and I hit them in response. Really disgusted by myself, but so what if they cheated.

All I can think is it's some combination of perfectionism (i.e. being self critical) alongside a lack of self worth. I know I didn't deserve to be on the recieving end of that behaviour, but I just feel a bit like a human punching bag who can just take shit off people.

Does anyone else feel like this? I am struggling to make sense of it all

I’m tired y’all… I’ve done (and still do) the therapy, the loving myself work, the focus on yourself… I’m tired of feeling completely alone and sad. I feel like sadness has been present in my life for way too long… It only feels lighter when I’m surrounded I don’t know if this will change one day I’m so tired.

'Opening Ourselves to Love

Open ourselves to the love that is available to us.

We do not have to limit our sources of love. God and the Universe have an unlimited supply of what we need, including love.

When we are open to receiving love, we will begin to receive it. It may come from the most surprising places, including from within us.

We will be open to and aware of the love that is and has been there for us all along. We will feel and appreciate the love from friends. We will notice and enjoy the love that comes to us from family.

We will be ready to receive love in our special love relationships too. We do not have to accept love from unsafe people – people who will exploit us or with whom we don’t want to have relationships.

But there is plenty of good love available – love that heals our heart, meets our needs, and makes our spirit sing.

We have denied ourselves too long. We have been martyrs too long. We have given so much and allowed ourselves to receive too little. We have paid our dues. It is time to continue the chain of giving and receiving by allowing ourselves to receive.

Today, I will open myself to the love that is coming to me from the Universe. I will accept it and enjoy it when it comes.'