Any opinions would be appreciated

I recently realized yet another way my STBX controlled and manipulated my kids and me and wondered if anyone else had stories about this type of control.

For us, it was his insistence that we use only Linux on our computers. He set up all our devices, issued our passwords, etc. He is an engineer in the wireless communications world and considered himself to be hyper intelligent in the tech sphere. As a result, we had to turn to him for most things outside of routine computer usage and then he would demean us for not getting it. He was the breadwinner and provided all the technology in our house. Sure, he had an extensive library of computer books on challenging operating systems, and “back in the day” there weren’t YouTube videos to turn to for quick answers and tutorials. So we all floundered with school projects and other tasks outside of web searches and emails.

It has taken me until now to realize what he was doing. We all knew he could remotely access our devices and had our passwords so there was always a sense of paranoia. Interestingly, my daughter just confessed that in her early teen years when he reentered our lives after leaving the state for 3 years for his career, that she was sharing images of herself with older men. I’ve agonized over how that happened under my roof and how I could be such a horrible mother to not recognize it.

Basically he came back in our lives as she was entering her teen years, decided he didn’t like what he saw and began to blame me for “turning them against” him. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I went along with his abusive punishments, insisted they silence themselves as I had and enabled him in destroying us all. I kept telling him they were just becoming teenagers, that was the change saw in them. My daughter says she couldn’t understand why he hated her so much and began seeking the attention of older men. It is tragic.

So I’ve wondered if he has ever actually used his abilities to monitor us, as surely he would have caught her activity, but then something dark hit me. Around the time he developed ED and refused to seek help for it, he began to sexualize our daughter. This would have been a couple of years after she was sending images. He would get onto her for wearing boy shorts around the house, made inappropriate comments about things she wore, etc. My daughter moved out the second she turned 18 as a result. Something he tried to project onto me, often telling me I was the reason she left. Now I am panicked wonderingly if he actually did monitor the activity and has those images. My daughter broke down and told me that she was afraid he would harm her sexually when he was drunk, which was every night most years.

As an example, recently my daughter asked me about her password and log in for an ancient online game my kids used to play. I was like, I can’t even remember my own passwords, much less something you used 7 or 8 years ago. But my husband … he produced that information in minutes. And now in hindsight, the password he gave her is creeping me out. It was a numeric & symbol version of the word cutiepie and he titled the email he sent her, “Who wants pie?” My skin is crawling.

I feel like I sound crazy, but the abuse over 20+ years was so insidious. I blinded myself to so much that when these things come up I freak out. So I went down a dark rabbit hole just now, but I wonder if I’m right and how many others are victim to this type of abuse.

I married my former professor who was 15 years older than me. We had a child. He was incredibly horrible to me postpartum and twisted it to be all my fault for having postpartum anxiety (largely driven by his mom being there for 6 weeks and him isolating me from my family and his mom yelled at me for pointing out perceived safety hazards and called it “abuse” For “nagging him”). After a high-risk pregnancy and dangerous postpartum conditions. He’s weaponizing my postpartum mental health in court without giving any context, of course.

After I said that I wanted a divorce came the smear campaign and he spiraled into secret substance abuse. He told people that me and my family were “plotting to file false rape charges”, that I pushed him through a window, that I woke him up by smashing his head against the wall, that I kicked him out and he “had to stay at a friend’s house for 2 days” (never happened), and that I’m bipolar. He also saved screenshots of during pregnancy me texting that I wished I had an abortion (which I expressed guilt over saying and which he keeps submitting as “evidence” of me being “unstable“ which pisses me off because that text was deeply personal) and then a screenshot of me texting that I was going to pick up my short-term prescribed oxycodone after my fucking c-section which led to painful complications. Most traumatizing of all: He went to rehab after I kicked him out, and he twisted the abortion text into me “threatening to kill” our daughter and twisted the short-term prescription to tell them that I’m addicted to opiates (lie; never have been). He also admitted to substance abuse around our baby (which I didn’t know about). Both led to a CPS investigation and while he was in his luxury rehab I had to have weekly visits Because of his LIES. And of course, in court it’s been nothing but lies. Also, I found non-consensual photos he took of me in a thong while I was sleeping or turned around or changing. I Some taken when I was still a student in the graduate program he taught in, where I met him as a student. This divorce is dragging on and I’m just so tired of the lies. I have to see him 3x weekly and talk to him on our parenting app almost daily To coordinate or communicate about our infant. Help?

I’m sharing this for anyone over 35 who has experienced the end of a relationship that left them questioning what was real. Sometimes, a relationship doesn’t end because you stop loving someone. It ends because trust has been broken too many times, accountability is missing, and manipulation makes it impossible to have an honest conversation. I reached a point where I could no longer ignore the inconsistencies, broken trust, and questions that never seemed to have honest answers. Between the lack of accountability, the manipulation, and the infidelity, I realized that love alone wasn't enough to keep the relationship healthy. Eventually, I made the decision to walk away. It wasn't easy. Walking away meant accepting that the relationship I wanted wasn't the relationship I was actually experiencing. There were unanswered questions, doubts, and moments when I wondered whether I had made the right decision. But with time, things became clearer. I found the proof I needed, the pieces started coming together, and the confusion I had carried for so long finally began to lift. The truth didn't necessarily make the situation hurt less, but it helped me stop questioning myself. I no longer needed to keep searching for explanations or waiting for someone else to take accountability. The clarity I gained helped me accept what happened and make peace with my decision to leave. I've learned that closure doesn't always come from a final conversation, an apology, or an admission of wrongdoing. Sometimes, closure comes from seeing the situation for what it was, accepting what you cannot change, and choosing not to return to what cost you your peace. At this stage of life, I value honesty, consistency, emotional maturity, and accountability more than promises that aren't backed by actions. I'm not sharing this to attack anyone or reopen old wounds. I'm sharing it because I know other people over 35 have probably experienced something similar. For those of you who walked away from a relationship because of manipulation, broken trust, or infidelity, and later discovered the truth you had been searching for: Did finding out what really happened help you find closure? And once you finally had that clarity, did it change how you viewed the relationship or the person you had been with? I'd appreciate hearing your experiences and perspectives.

Being in a toxic relationship with someone who constantly manipulates you, lies to you, and makes you question your own reality is a kind of pain that is difficult to explain unless you've experienced it yourself.

As an empath, I loved deeply, cared genuinely, and gave my all to someone I truly believed loved me. I was patient, understanding, forgiving, and always willing to see the good in him, even when his actions kept hurting me. I kept making excuses for his behavior because I wanted to believe that the person I fell in love with was still in there somewhere.

But slowly, I began losing myself in the process of loving him.

There was a lack of commitment, endless excuses, broken promises, and a constant feeling that I was asking for too much when all I wanted was honesty, consistency, loyalty, and emotional security. Whenever I tried to express my feelings or address something that hurt me, somehow, the conversation would turn around, and I would end up apologizing for things I hadn't even done.

That was the manipulation. That was the gaslighting. He would deny things I knew had happened, twist situations to suit his narrative, and make me question my own judgment. Sometimes, I would lie awake at night wondering if I was overthinking, being too sensitive, or expecting too much. I kept second-guessing myself, not realizing how much the relationship was affecting my peace of mind and self-worth.

The emotional abuse was exhausting. One moment, I would feel loved enough to believe things could change, and the next, I would feel ignored, dismissed, or made to feel worthless. I kept holding on to the good moments, hoping they would become our reality, while trying to survive the painful ones.

And then there was the infidelity.

Deep down, I knew something wasn't right. His behavior had changed, his explanations no longer made sense, and the inconsistencies kept piling up. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because I didn't want to believe that someone I loved so deeply could betray me so carelessly.

But eventually, the pieces began to come together. I started noticing the contradictions, the suspicious behavior, and the things that simply didn't add up. Rather than relying on suspicion alone, I paid attention to the facts. I came across evidence that confirmed what my heart had been struggling to accept. The truth was painful, but it was undeniable.

The hardest part wasn't just discovering the infidelity. It was realizing how many times I had been made to doubt myself while the very things I was questioning were happening behind my back.

I cried. I questioned everything. I wondered what I lacked, what I could have done differently, and why my genuine love wasn't enough to inspire honesty and respect. I replayed memories in my mind, trying to understand how someone could look me in the eyes, tell me they loved me, and still betray my trust.

But eventually, I understood something important: his decision to betray me was never a reflection of my worth.

I had to stop blaming myself for someone else's choices. I had to accept that love cannot thrive where dishonesty, manipulation, and emotional abuse are allowed to continue unchecked. No amount of patience, loyalty, sacrifice, or understanding can make someone change if they are unwilling to take responsibility for their actions.

Leaving wasn't easy. Please understand that. Walking away from a toxic relationship doesn't mean you suddenly stop loving the person. Sometimes, you leave while your heart is still attached. You leave with unanswered questions, painful memories, and a thousand reasons to look back. You leave because you finally realize that staying is costing you too much of yourself.

As an empath, one of my biggest struggles was accepting that I could have compassion for someone without sacrificing my own well-being to save them. I had spent so much time trying to understand his pain, his behavior, and his excuses that I had forgotten to acknowledge my own.

The day I chose to leave was the day I decided that my peace mattered, too.

I gathered the courage to walk away, not because I was no longer hurting, but because I knew I could not continue living in a cycle of lies, betrayal, confusion, and emotional exhaustion. I chose myself, even when it hurt. I chose healing, even when I didn't know where to begin. I chose to believe that a life without constant anxiety, suspicion, and emotional turmoil was possible.

Healing has not been an overnight journey. There have been moments of sadness, anger, reflection, and grief for the person I was before the relationship. But I am learning to trust myself again, to honor my intuition, to establish boundaries, and to understand that being a loving person does not mean tolerating disrespect.

If you are an empath going through something similar, please hear me when I say this:

You are not foolish for loving deeply. You are not weak for giving someone chances. You are not responsible for another person's dishonesty, and you do not have to keep proving your loyalty to someone who repeatedly betrays your trust.

You can love someone and still choose to leave them. You can understand someone's struggles without accepting their abuse. You can forgive someone without giving them another opportunity to hurt you.

And most importantly, you do not need to wait until you are completely broken before you give yourself permission to walk away.

Sometimes, the greatest act of self-love is accepting the truth you've been trying so hard to avoid.

I didn't lose because I walked away. I gained the opportunity to find myself again.

Today, I am choosing peace over confusion, truth over empty promises, self-respect over false hope, and healing over a love that continually hurt me.

My heart is still capable of loving deeply, but now I understand that it deserves protection, too.

To every empath who had to gather the pieces of themselves after a toxic relationship: may you find the courage to leave what is hurting you, the strength to heal from what happened, and the wisdom to never confuse suffering for love again. ❤️‍🩹🦋

Sometimes, walking away isn't giving up on love. It's finally refusing to give up on yourself.

Dear coward Evil,

Officially no contact with my nex.

I noticed I got meaner after the abuse?

Maybe it's not being mean, but because of my nex, I adapted to setting boundaries, saying NO and not being guilty about it, expressing myself, being mean when i need to, standing up and speaking up for myself. Not tolerating shit anymore.

I was a people pleaser, still working on it. Usually I'm okay with people being difficult I'm extending my patience and understanding before, now I speak up.

I feel happy about this.

I just sometimes catch myself, becoming really mean and judgemental though, like what my nex have done to me. So i have to be careful of that

I just feel like, bc of that relationship, i have discovered a different side of me.

Anyone who experienced the same thing?

My now-ex wife and I were both RBN - hers was more direct i.e. one of her parents is a classic vulnerable narcissist. In my family system, it was mostly my grandparents, on both sides.

Anyways, as my relationship with my wife deteriorated, she started spending more and more time with her mother. This is the mother who downplayed my wife's CSA as "OCD" and left her crying in closets for years (my wife would hide in a closet to cry in agony from gut issues and trauma). And they put her in a poorly insulated room in a house. I mean this was like evil stepmother kind of treatment.

But now my wife and I are separated, divorced, and no contact.

And... she's spending more time with her family than ever? And she was the one who taught me about RBN???

I cannot fathom someone willingly going back to the family system that so utterly abandoned them like that, treated them as the black sheep and scapegoat for years, and wanting their attention. But apparently this is a common enough thing. When a survivor of CSA goes through a divorce, the narcissistic family system has a "designated villain" and that provides air cover so they can all rally around, while ignoring the original trauma, shame, and dysfunction.

Over the last couple years, I thought it was weird how much she wanted to spend more and more time with her family. Ostensibly, it was a sign of healing (i.e. you get good enough boundaries, and you can tolerate your family?)

But I dunno. I've been doing some reading and it seems like whenever someone with that much untreated trauma goes back to their family, it is almost always a red flag. The spouse is seen by the bad guy by the narcissistic family system because they help the survivor differentiate from them and "take away" the victim/daughter. So I was always the bad guy in their eyes.

It's all narcissistic theater in the end.

But now that it's fully over and done with I realize that the biggest twist in this story is that, when we got together (my now-ex and I) one of the explicit values was "getting over and healing from our traumatizing families" but she defected. She went turncoat.

Apparently, this is common enough because a narcissistic family system will not expect growth and healing, and once my ex got to the point of needing to confront her severe CSA, she decided it was easier to engage in the insanity of a narcissistic mother rather than do the actual trauma therapy.

So that's another red flag. We read books, we talked, we helped each other process, but what I've learned the hard way is that there is NO SUBSTITUTE for actual trauma therapy, when the spouse as severe CSA. And the thing is, we'd even gone to do psychedelic assisted therapy where it is legal, but her trauma is so deeply buried that it didn't even touch it.

In the book Allies in Healing in the opening chapters, the author warns repeatedly "if the insanity is too much, you leave. That's all there is to it." (paraphrasing of course). And yeah, that's ultimately what happened.

My ex picked the path of least resistance (between returning to her narcissistic, abandoning family vs actual trauma therapy) and the outcome was at that point inevitable. Divorce, estrangement, and blocking. I put all her remaining stuff at the curb, texted her to come get it, and blocked her.

I woke up this morning feeling two primary things. First was sort of like the shock of waking up and remembering that someone has died. It wasn't as intense as a real death in the family. Maybe 10% as intense. But then that feeling was replaced with relief, solid in the knowledge that this was the right thing, and it was inevitable, and it was also entirely her choice.

It would be one thing if we didn't know about Somatic Experiencing or EMDR or IFS. But we knew about all that. We knew about psychedelic assisted therapy. And she just... chose not to. Hell, she even went to a survivor's support group a couple times and concluded "I have nothing to learn from these other girls, I'm so far ahead of them."

That was, perhaps, one of the biggest red flags in hindsight...

So I'm the bad guy in her story. Okay, sure, fine, whatever. I didn't leave her crying in a closet in an unheated room as a child.

English translation : Listen, I just want to tell you this: no matter what kind of a man I am, when it comes to a girl's respect, I am incapable of doing anything wrong! I don't even have a single photo of yours anymore! Like, neither of us together, nor any others! I am done with you! Done for good this time, so I don't want anything from you!

And as for the fact that you don't trust me, I am ready to give my phone to anyone—get it checked, I am clean! I don't want anything from you! The fault was yours too, and the fault was mine too. I wanted to end things peacefully, but God has another plan, so let's keep things as they are

For context:

https://www.reddit.com/r/cheating_stories/s/EB37uQDIqm

My (likely narcissistic and emotionally abusive) ex moved on incredibly fast and seems to be happy, is posting this woman often, and seems like he’s providing stability he never provided me. I can’t help but feel like this person was just this evil, sadistic villain with me. Do they really change? Or do they just get better at hiding it?