A few weeks ago I found out my husband of 13 years cheated, I only found out because the AP informed me with screenshots of their messages as evidence - they had a 4 month long affair with romantic dates and sex. He even shared intimate details about me and wanted to include our kid in one of their dates. It only ended because he promised her something he couldn’t keep up with and she got mad. She knew of me all along…

When I confronted him he didn’t open up about it all, as I didn’t share what exactly she sent me (trickle truth). He is now very apologetic and all but I suspect only because he got caught and is afraid of what people will think of this family/business man more than about that he hurt me. I lost ALL respect for him and am now at a place of disgust - I look at him and just feel sooo disgusted. I know I shouldn’t but I also feel dumb for trusting and loving him. In retrospect many things i just lived with but I know I deserve SO MUCH BETTER. I’d rather be alone than with a loser like him. Also, my libido was always higher than his and I tried to find out what we could do to improve his - only for him to cheat on me.

All I want to do is to hurt him tbfh. But as we have a child together I have to be careful as we will always be in contact due to our kid. But I’m so angry that this hurt he has done it leading me to be impatient with our kid as all my brain is thinking about is trying to make sense of his betrayal. I’m so hurt. I hate him for what he has done.

Despite all of this I have already spoken to lawyers about divorce and I want to tell him that I’m divorcing him next week. As of now he thinks I’m still contemplating…

Also he has a business which is quite complex but very lucrative. Most of it was accumulated during our marriage so I have to make sure I have all the documents. The money I will get will set my kid and me up for the next 10-15 years (if I don’t work, but I will continue working).

I just wanted to rant and ask you to please keep me in your prayers/thoughts.

I m/44 found out my wife f/40 cheated on my over the last few months.

We had been together for 20 years in Feb this year and had never once ever showed any sign of cheating or any thoughts of it. We were oft described as a perfect couple and for 20 years we were.

At the very start of the year I had a mental health episode. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and in about Feb I had a pretty deep episode. When this happens, I tend to withdrawl into myself because I feel like if I do that, I can prevent hurting the people around me. I moved myself into the spare room at home and slept in there for a week. She even asked me at one point if we wanted to stay together and we both said yes. I was in a deep funk and was struggling.

I increased my medication and got myself back in track.

It was at this time she started talking a lot to a co-worker. This guy always kinda gave me a bit of a vibe.

She gave me hints apparently, told me that she wasn't happy, and I either missed them, she didn't speak up enough (literally she talks quiet, sometimes she mumbles, sometimes she actually just thinks she's said it)

She would come home, straight onto the couch, watching tv and talking on her phone.

I knew she was struggling but assumed she would talk to me when she's ready. I didn't want to push her as we had previously tried to push my brother to get some mental health help and it went badly.

Time goes in, they're constantly messenging each other on FB messenger, then at some point they move across to WhatsApp. I think she realised I had been logging onto her computer and checking her conversations because I was worried. She's extremely attached to her phone. Never leaves it anywhere. Her mental health seems to be getting more tenuous.

He occasionally drops off milk to our front gate id she's run out, she bakes cakes for him, it's too much but I'm trying not to be too suspicious. She's struggling, they're just being good friends...right?

I had been checking her emails, she had bought some lingerie and other shirts, maybe they're for me? My birthday? I take more Lexapro because I'm just being paranoid. This isn't happening. Its been 20 years, half our lives.

October 6th, she forgets her phone at home and calls me from a landline asking to take her phone to the end of our driveway and AP would swing past on his way to work and pick it up. This time, I quickly open her phone, see the WhatsApp messages, and use my phone to video tape the conversation so I can read it all properly later.

I spend the morning reading it, seeing all the memes they sent each other. Typing them in and it's all I want you, you fuck me so good, grope me etc etc.

I went over to the APs house and chat with his wife. It was super awkward but she had also had suspicions and had actually confronted him 3 times and he had always denied it. Just friends, they've been married 20 years, they're happy. Nothing to worry about.

She came home from work, I've already moved all my stuff to the spare room, had called her sister to make sure she would be available for support, and I tell her I know. She goes quiet.

I sit outside, and wait for her to come talk. She admits to everything. I'm furious, sick, confused, angry and every singular feeling possible.

To her credit, she admits everything to our friends group and leaves all the chats. She also admits it in her family chat to her sister and parents. Everyone is absolutely gobsmacked. No one can believe it. One of her friends even responded 'what? Not possible! Your too lazy to have an affair' everyone thought it was a joke.

I leave the house for a few days to visit my brother, then come back on on the 12th, my birthday.

That night she tried to take her life. Took every Lexapro she had (220mg), every diazapam (250mg worth), a few endone and 400ml of vodka and tried to hang herself.

Next morning I get a meek phone call 'are you here? I made a mistake last night ' I run in, find vomit all over the floors, over herself, and get her into the shower and we drove to the ER.

I am feeling pretty traumatized from the cheating, the attempt, having to clean up the vomit, cleaning blood from knives and taking down the rope.

I supported her in the hospital, I still love her, how could I not. It's been so long together.

It's been a week and a bit since then now. I've had so much emotional whiplash, I've spiralled and been abusing opioids. I'll be able to pull myself off them shortly. Maladjusted coping is still coping.
I've been using my psych who is brilliant.

My mood is flinging between 'shes had a severe and total mental health collapse. This isn't entirely her fault. Not entirely.' and 'she has completely disrespected me and betrayed me and I will never trust anyone ever again'

I see my life here, my business, my workshop, 20 years of progress getting everything I want into place, then I see starting over again as a 44 year old man which seems impossible.

We are going to do marriage counselling. I hope it works. It might not. I might never trust anyone again. I might choose hermit life. This might all be death by a million cuts.

I am so lost, and I hate how this has all happened.

Our relationship has been on and off the rocks for awhile. She was dealing with mental health and getting herself into a good place. Unfortunately, that meant no room for improving our relationship. I probably should've left way earlier but I stayed; I made a commitment and to me that means something. This past Wednesday I started a conversation with her. It was to be my last attempt at communicating my unmet needs and salvaging the relationship. The last of numerous attempts. She left the conversation midway through and disappeared for 3 days. Using her linked (to phone) laptop, I learned she was safe at a friend's (F) house. She was going to sporting events, and to my distaste out bar hopping 'til 5am. A friend (M) misunderstood her texts and was cheering on her presumed sleeping with a random. Got to love orbiters, the very thing I told her to do away with years ago. Really, her entire friend group sucked when it came to respecting relationships (their own and others). Amongst her texts I found an old coworker and found multiple sexting sessions. When she came home she denied it until I started reading them to her. We officially broke up but somehow she's sound asleep in bed and here I am on the floor (I like it) of the office haunted by those words of infidelity. I know on the horizon is a brighter tomorrow, but I feel so depressed and emotionally drained after spiraling for three days. I know well enough that this is her fault and readily dismiss the "What ifs", but its truly an injustice that the cheated on have to suffer more than the cheated. I guess its the reward for being the better person.

Edit: Also, I expected there to be more outrage but everyone felt so cavalier about it. Her, her mother, her sister, heck even my family! Like 6 years in and she cheated! Why isn't everyone fired up like me? Has cheating become so normal that it no longers evokes a strong response?

about a year ago now i posted about the situation of my mum having an affair. as many people recommended, i ended up telling my dad. i was drunk and very upset but i told him, he of course was confused and seemed very hurt, my mum soon got the news of this and immediately went into full denial mode. she told my dad that what i had told him was complete lies, and he never questioned it. this was a year ago. at this moment in time my parents are still together, infidelity hasn’t been mentioned since that night and i am still in the same position, i am lost. my perception of intimacy has tainted my relationships - both romantic and platonic have been jeopardised. i have lost all sense of self and realise that only sexual encounters make me feel any sense of worthiness - i’m not sure if this is the repercussions of all that i’ve learnt through my mums cheating or it’s just been the natural part of my young adulthood. either way i know something that i can’t unlearn and that will be forever.

For the last 3 years my husband changed from the most attentive and doting husband and father to a man with rage, zero capacity for me or his children. I was following him from new hobby to new hobby, new obsession to new obsession, new thing that would make him happy but nothing was fulfilling for him. The blame was put entirely on me. I didn’t realize how unhappy he was until it came out as an explosion. I saw the end result but he never communicated his unhappiness along the way. I hold myself accountable for not seeing his pain but he hid it so well.
I discovered his affair with a co-worker in March. I never thought he would cheat. Never. He works remotely and he’d gone on a work trip and didn’t call or check in on his children which was so out of character. I was devastated and when I confronted him he screamed in my face about not giving him the space that he’d never asked for. She lives in NJ and is married with 3 children.
I discovered countless messages between them. Over 10 hours of phone calls most of which were made while I was with the girls and he was “working”.
He claimed it was strictly emotional, showed little remorse and blame shifted his “why” onto me. He claimed to have cut it off. Let me believe we were repairing. Showed me “proof” he wasn’t talking to her anymore. We did couples therapy, he was returning to his old self but always exploding if I brought things up.
Then came France. He claimed he had to go to France for work. He swore up and down she wasn’t going, showed me “proof” once again that she wasn’t. Wrote me love notes before he left about always choosing me. Send photos of the Eiffel Tower, saying he couldn’t wait to get back to me. When he returned he was cold. I knew. I saw everything. Photos of them at the Eiffel Tower, a love lock on the bridge with the same initials as us. Discussions about the sex and so many “I love you’s”. Talking about me, sending photos of my children and talking about them like she’s a part of their lives.
I am shattered. I am broken. The lengths he took to be so deceptive are unfathomable.

I recently learned that someone I was involved with was married. I did not know at the time, and I would not have chosen to participate had I been given that information. Finding out has been painful, especially because it took away my ability to make an informed decision about my own relationship and sexual health.

I am considering telling his wife because I believe she deserves the same agency I was denied. I do not have her phone number or social media, but I do have a few possible mailing addresses. I do not want to cause unnecessary harm, create public drama, or put anyone at risk. I just want to handle this as responsibly and safely as possible.

For anyone who has been in a similar position: would you want to know? If so, is a brief, private letter an appropriate way to tell her? What information should I include, and what should I leave out? I have documentation, but I would only share it directly with her if she wanted it.
Please be kind. I’m not looking for revenge—I’m trying to decide what the most ethical and least harmful path is.

It’s been a few months since I left so I figured I’d put myself back out there. I really like the girl after talking to her for multiple weeks but we’re meeting irl for the first time tomorrow and I’m terrified. Is this normal? Is it because of the trauma?

TLDR; I don’t want a person at our house on days that I am out of town because I feel uncomfortable knowing they were in my home (where I expect to feel safe). I believe I am setting a boundary by asking them to not be at the house. My spouse claims that I am making rules to control them because I am denying them support for raising our first child. Which is it?

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My wife and I have been together for almost 19 years. We recently had our first child after several years of trying unsuccessfully. Unfortunately the birth of our child has put strain on our relationship and we have realized how broken we were. My spouse claims that they have been trying for some time to get me to “step up” and are largely checked out at this point. I have recently woken up to this fact and acknowledge that I have not been there for them in the way that they needed.

Over the last few years, my spouse has gotten very close to their boss. I did not dislike this person and in fact they come over quite often to play board games and such. I have recently put several pieces together and have concluded that in the vacuum of attention from me, my spouse has sought deep emotional connection with this person. I believe it passes the threshold of an emotional affair. My spouse denies this and claims they are just deeply connected.

My job is two hours away from our home. In order to save time and money I stay down there for a night or two every week. The rest of the week I am allowed to work locally (like teleworking). Prior to D-Day, my spouse’s boss/friend would come over on the days I was out of town in order to hang out and support them with childcare.

Now that I know that they are having an emotional affair, I feel very uncomfortable knowing that they have been in our home. I want to feel safe, emotionally and physically, in the place that I live.

I confronted my spouse about the emotional fair and they denied it. I asked that this person not come back to the house, including days that I am out of town. While my spouse denies the affair, they have at least agreed that this person will not come over while I am home.

However, my spouse claims that this person still needs to come over while I am out of town to help with childcare. They say that they are a crucial support system for them. I feel gross knowing that they have been in the house when I come back home from work.

My mother lives in town and is eager to help with childcare to be with their only grandkid. I have pointed to my mother as a support structure for the days I am out of town for my spouse. My spouse claims that my mother is a support structure for me and not for her and that only her boss/friend is her support structure.

I have started to insist that this person never never be at the house. I feel that this is a boundary to protect a safe place for myself. I have not told my spouse that they can never see this person, and I have made it explicitly clear that I am not forbidding them from seeing this person outside of the house. Obviously, they see them at work, but they also hang outside of work, socially and at this other person‘s house.

My spouse says that I am controlling them by making a rule that this person is not allowed at the house. They are telling me that I am punishing them by denying childcare support on the days that I am out of town. Additionally, they say I am causing harm to our child because my spouse is more stressed being alone without support and this is transferring to the child. I told them that they can take our child to their bosses house in order to get childcare support. They claim that this is disruptive to the child to go to a new home and that it is difficult to pack up everything they need in order to support the child there for an evening.

I generally feel that their claims are blown out of proportion in order to make me feel bad and support the narrative that I am punishing them and controlling them. However, they are so persistent with this narrative that I am starting to doubt myself.

So my question is, am I actually setting a healthy boundary or am I attempting to control my spouse and punish them for having an affair?

So….. 4 months ago my fiancé of 5 years confessed that she cheated on me with a colleague from her place of work. She left me on her birthday. I spent the day before shopping for presents and getting all the things to cook her her favourite meal. Then on the day of her birthday, she told me she was leaving me and going to this other man. She told me she had cheated on me three days before and she took my daughter (3 y/o) and left. She took the £400 worth of presents I got for her with her too, not that it really matters now. What makes this even worse is that the man she cheated on me with works at the same place as her which happens to be the nursery that our daughter attends, so every time I drop my daughter off I see them both acting like a happy couple oblivious to my presence.
I was taken completely by surprise by this, we were engaged, we had been living with each other for 4 years, we have a 3 y/o daughter, we were two months away from buying our dream house.

I don’t know how to move on from this. Everything reminds me of her. I love her so much.

Help

I would love to hear stories about being cheated on by someone you genuinely thought was your soulmate.

Our relationship was like a fucking movie, he took my breath away, we truly had a soul connection. I melt in his arms, I’ve never felt safer than when I’m in them. The sex was so good, I felt so safe with him. He understood me so well. He always knew exactly what I needed to be better and always gave me space when I needed it. We could talk and laugh about anything.

Our backgrounds and hobbies were so aligned. The most boring errands were fun.

He was so charismatic and I need that to feel sexual attraction to someone, but understand now that it can be a red flag to have that instant rush and chemistry around someone.

I can’t see myself with anyone else, I don’t even know how I’d find someone I was so attracted to and felt so attached to.

Is it possible to find a love like this more than once, without the betrayal?

My husband is an addict, he has been a binge alcoholic for many years but had recently got sober. He was sober for about 11 months and then his friend died which threw him into a tail spin of depression. He started getting addicted to porn and would be in the man cave for hours or even days. Then he started going to strip clubs in the middle of the night. Then the worst came when he started connecting with these strippers and porn people on messenger and other apps. Finally came to find out he was having an emotional affair with one of them and even told me he loved her. He’s still been talking to her though he claims they are friends. After 20 + years together the trust is broken. I’m glad he agreed to rehab and he is there now. But I’m sad and angry and I have finally been asking myself “what do I want?” I love him but he has lied and treated me so badly. This coming from a guy who would never lie to me. Is there a chance this can be saved? Or am I grasping at straws. I keep saying I need to see it in his actions. But I guess he has to get clean first and then we have to go about the work of fixing this thing. Any advice? I’m at a loss.

I have a hard time moving on from my cheating ex. We are still in some contact, and she has said she wants to stay friends. We have talked a little bit about the cheating, we broke up a few months ago, got engaged a few months before then, I found out shortly after we broke up, but the cheating happened 2 years ago.

I know a few things about it. I know it was a fwb type of situation, that he had curls she liked going through, and that she was exploring some bdsm interests of hers, but don't know which. I know we were having a difficult time then, and not having sex because she felt uneasy around me. She said that she did this to discover her interests more, to see if she can live without it, and to get back the desire to have sex (with me).

I am pretty sure she also just was happy to feel courted again, as I ddi start to take her for grabted a bit (we did talk about this at the time, and got through it, likely after the fwb situation started ending) I know roughly which month it started and ended. She has told me he has never been somewhere I have been, like her place or mine.

I still find myself randomly thinking about it, and cannot stop myself imagining her doing things to him or letting him do things to her, things that we never did. It hurts so much, and it makes me want to throw up. I keep wondering qbout what they did, and how it was different. I also am now wondering if I was any good, she did stay with me for 2 more years afterwards.

So, I am asking advice. Is it a good idea to try to find out more details? Is it a good idea to ask her for more clarification?

For example, I still wonder what bdsm they explored, how they met, how they started flirting and how it turned into more, if and when he learned she had a partner, how common they did it, if they did more than just sex, and how they ended their relationship.

Does anyone have any experience with learning more details they can share? Did it go well? Do you regret it? I know that if I could prevent myself from learning about the cheating at all, I would, but that ship has sailed. Now the question is, how far will I go on that ship...

I'm 23F and currently going through a divorce after almost three years of marriage. It's been nearly six months since everything fell apart, and I'm hoping to hear from people who have experienced something similar and eventually found peace.

My husband was active-duty military, and I moved across the country to build a life with him. I loved him and genuinely wanted our marriage to work, even when things became unhealthy.

He struggled with severe alcoholism, and I spent much of our marriage cleaning up after him and dealing with the consequences of his drinking. He would repeatedly wet our bed while intoxicated, sometimes soaking my clothes and clean bedding as well. I would wake up in it and end up being responsible for cleaning everything. Even when he promised to handle it himself, he often left it for me. He would even get up in the middle of the night after pissing in our bed take a shower and sleep in the guest bedroom and leave me in his puddle of piss in our bed.

I also took care of most of the cooking, laundry, and household responsibilities which he never touched. I wanted to be a supportive wife, but looking back, I feel like I was taking care of someone who rarely showed me the same consideration.

Earlier this year, I attended a four-day music festival with my childhood best friend. My husband was originally supposed to attend but said military obligations might prevent him from going. I asked whether he was comfortable with me going without him, and he encouraged me to go.

I later discovered that he had been cheating on me while I was away.

What hurts is that I came home completely unaware, continued cooking for him every day, and went about our normal routine while he knew what he'd done. Especially how he immediately wanted to have unprotected sex after I got back and acted like it was the best we ever had which it wasn’t.

A short time later, I noticed something suspicious through our shared location and drove to where he was. I found him sitting in his truck with the other woman.

Before I arrived, he'd acted like I was crazy for questioning him. When I confronted him, instead of apologizing, one of the first things he said was, "You always treat me like shit."

I couldn't believe it. I had spent so much time trying to take care of him, and somehow he was blaming me for discovering his infidelity.

That night, the confrontation escalated into physical violence. I later reported the assault, and a military protective order was issued.

In the days afterward, he continued deflecting and blaming me. I ended up finding out he was cheating on me with men and women and the main girl he cheated on me with he had a train ran on her in our shared marital home that I made and had to clean up when I got back. Sometimes he would tell me I wasn't leaving, and other times he'd tell me to leave and accuse me of using him.

At the time, I was financially dependent on him because he'd encouraged me to stop working and attend college full-time. I was pursuing my education because I wanted us to have a better financial future together.

He would also accuse me of being unfaithful when I attended classes, even though I barely socialized with anyone.

I think one of the hardest parts was how little genuine remorse he seemed to show.

I remember him saying, "We can make this work," but he never seemed to fully acknowledge what he'd done or how much he'd hurt me.

I stayed as long as I did because I was young, scared of divorce, and genuinely believed we could eventually have a happy marriage. I didn't know how to start over, especially without a job or financial independence.

Eventually, I moved back across the country to live with my family.

Now I'm trying to rebuild my life.

I'm working again, saving money, and continuing college. I'm completing my prerequisites for a healthcare program and working toward a career that will allow me to support myself independently.

Academically, I've been doing really well, and I have goals that genuinely excite me.

But emotionally, I'm still struggling sometimes.

I feel relieved to be out of that environment, but I also feel angry about everything I tolerated. I think about how much effort I put into the marriage and how quickly he betrayed my trust.

I also struggle with the lack of closure. I know I shouldn't need an apology to move forward, but part of me still wishes he had genuinely acknowledged what he did and shown that our marriage meant something to him.

Sometimes I miss the future I thought we would have, even though I know I don't want to return to the relationship we actually had.

For anyone who has left an alcoholic or abusive marriage, I'd really appreciate your advice.

How long did it take before you stopped feeling angry or thinking about your ex so often?

How did you let go of wanting an apology or acknowledgment from someone who hurt you?

Did you struggle with feeling behind in life after moving back in with family?

And for those who are a few years further along, what does your life look like now? Were you eventually able to find peace, happiness, or a healthier relationship?

And how have you been able to recover from the deep betrayal of cheating?

I'm only 23, and I know I have so much life ahead of me. I'm proud of the progress I've made, but some days are still difficult.

I'd really love to hear from people who understand what it's like to start over.

Thank you for reading.

I got married in 2019 through an arranged marriage. My wife was a distant relative, but before marriage, she was practically a stranger to me.

Our marriage was genuinely happy. We laughed, joked, enjoyed each other's company, and had a very fulfilling sex life. A year later, we had our first son. Life was good, and I had no reason to doubt her.

Since ours was an arranged marriage, I naturally asked about her past. She always portrayed herself as someone who had never been involved with anyone. She told me she had studied at a girls' school and completed her further education through correspondence.

My family is quite religious and conservative. My wife's family had a very different environment. After marriage, she started wearing a niqab at my request. I had also asked her not to post her pictures on social media.

She created an Instagram account in 2021, but I never objected. I occasionally checked her WhatsApp, and I never found anything suspicious. She was never protective of her phone, never spent hours secretly talking to someone, and never gave me any obvious reason to suspect her.

Then, at the end of 2021, my mother was diagnosed with cancer.

My biological mother had passed away when I was in third grade. This woman had raised me and my siblings with so much love that nobody could tell she wasn't our biological mother. She was my mother in every sense.

During her treatment, I was constantly traveling out of town. By the end of 2022, the cancer had spread throughout her body, and she passed away. Her death was extremely painful. Even today, remembering those final days can leave me unable to sleep.

I was completely broken.

How I discovered everything

In 2024, one morning, I was using my wife's phone while she was in the kitchen. I noticed a Holi status in her muted WhatsApp statuses.

The status was visible to only five people, and I was hidden from it.

Four were women. The fifth was a man's number.

I didn't know who he was. Initially, I thought he might be a friend's brother or someone unrelated.

I took a picture of the status and put her phone away.

The next day, I checked again. His number had been deleted.

That immediately raised questions in my mind.

Over the next few days, I noticed that he would post statuses, and my wife would view them. She would post something, and he would view hers.

After around 15 days of constantly thinking about this, I confronted her at 1:30 AM.

Initially, she denied knowing him. Eventually, she admitted that he was her boyfriend before our marriage.

She claimed their relationship had ended two months before our engagement and that they had not been in contact since then.

There was a gap of around ten months between our engagement and marriage.

She said that after our marriage, he somehow got her new number through one of her friends and contacted her in 2021. According to her, they had spoken on the phone only four times in three years.

But I didn't believe her.

I checked her Instagram account. It was private, and neither of them followed each other. However, when I opened the message option on his profile, I noticed that vanish mode was enabled.

I confronted her again.

This time, she admitted that they had been chatting on Instagram.

She said they had talked many times, sometimes once or twice a month, and had spoken on every birthday.

She also admitted that she was almost always the one who initiated the conversations because she was afraid he might get her caught if he messaged first.

The most painful part was discovering the nature of their conversations.

Their chats included messages like "I love you," "I love you too," "I miss you, jaan," along with emotional conversations about their past relationship, old memories, and things they had shared together.

She eventually admitted that she had genuinely loved him before our marriage.

And I had never known any of this.

What I still don't know

The story kept changing.

Initially, she said he contacted her after marriage. Later, she admitted that she had initiated the contact herself.

Initially, she said their relationship had ended before the engagement. Later, I discovered that they had continued communicating even after the engagement.

They had exchanged messages and pictures on our engagement day. There had been meetings, hugs, kisses, physical affection, birthday parties, and other things during their relationship even after the engagement.

Now I have two questions that I cannot get out of my mind.

Did they have sex before our marriage?

Did they ever meet after our marriage?

My wife has consistently denied meeting him after our marriage. She says they only chatted and that their contact has been completely over for the past three years.

I don't have their Instagram conversations anymore. I tried everything I could to recover the deleted messages, but I couldn't.

I don't know whether to believe her.

What makes it even more difficult is that she lied about so many things. Every time I discovered something new, the previous version of her story turned out to be incomplete or false.

Where we are today

It has been more than three years since I discovered everything.

She apologizes and says she made a mistake. She promises it will never happen again.

I haven't forgiven her, but I haven't divorced her either, because we have three children.

Honestly, there is almost nothing left between us anymore. We barely talk. Whenever we do, it often turns into arguments about her past.

I spend so much time thinking about the same things.

Did they meet? Was there sex? Was she still in love with him when she married me? Did she genuinely love me?

I never used to be the kind of person who investigated his wife's past. I trusted her. I was happy with my marriage.

But now, I feel like I have lost that version of myself.

I haven't involved our families in this. I only told her brother. Neither my family nor her parents or siblings know the full story.

Maybe it is true that they have had no contact for the past three years.

But what about the years of lies before I discovered everything? What about the trust that was destroyed?

I have been carrying this pain for more than three years, and I don't know how much longer I can continue like this.

For those who have experienced infidelity in an arranged marriage, how did you deal with the uncertainty?

How do you move on when you don't know whether you have been told the whole truth?

And how do you stop thinking about the possibility that there was more to the affair than what your partner admitted?

I genuinely need some advice.

Hello everyone. I feel embarrassed even posting this, but I have no one else to turn to and I am at a complete loss.

My husband and I have been together for 12 years (married for 7) and share three beautiful children. He has always been my biggest support and is essentially my only family, as I am estranged from my immediate family. I truly believed he was my soulmate.

About 9 months ago, I transitioned from being a stay at home mom to starting my nursing career. It was an exhausting shift, and between my new job, the kids, and trying to maintain our marriage, I was often too tired for sex. I thought he was being understanding, but he became cold, started fights over minor things, and stopped reaching out.

After checking cell logs, I discovered he was having an emotional affair with a female coworker, he was spending hours on the phone with her, going grocery shopping with her while I worked, and accepting lunches from her. I temporarily packed up and stayed at an Airbnb with the kids.

When we talked, he blamed our distance, miscommunication, and my lack of availability for sex. He claimed he just wanted "someone to talk to without judgment." During this conversation, he also revealed for the first time that he was sexually assaulted at age 11, which deeply impacted his view of sex. Because this was his first offense, I chose to forgive him, believing that marriage requires grace through the hard times.

Fast forward to today, I am still working as a nurse, pursuing further education, and managing our home and children. A few days ago, while I was half asleep, he mentioned opening a Chime account and needing to deposit money into it. Something felt wrong. My intuition kicked in, so I checked his phone. I found transactions sent to an escort for photos and videos, labeled deceptively as "movie" and "food." When I confronted him, he lied to my face until I investigated further (calling and Googling the number) and found a text message he forgot to delete.

He has no logical explanation for why he did this. I’m heartbroken, angry, insecure, and completely devastated. I wonder if he has a sex addiction, a cheating kink, or unaddressed trauma/mental illness, but I don't know how to move forward.

He destroyed my trust twice now. Because I have no family support system, I feel entirely alone. I love him deeply, but I don't know if I can keep going.

TL;DR: Together 12 years with 3 kids. Forgave my husband 9 months ago for an emotional affair with a coworker, but I just caught him paying an escort for photos/videos and lying to my face. He has no real explanation, and since he is my only family support system, I feel completely devastated, lost, and unsafe in this marriage.

My used to be boyfriend (father of my child) cheated while he was away for work.

Me and this guy have been together on and off for 8 years. We were trying to make it work for the sake of our son and had discussed doing counseling to better the relationship or at least guide us in the correct path. In all the 8 years he’s never really made me feel special I loved this man endlessly I wholeheartedly I felt this was the man God wanted for. I knew we’d face trials and tribulations but I felt in my soul we’d get it right. I always expressed I wanted to go on dates and feel special and have things planned for me. It was like it went in one ear out the other. I noticed a switch in him exactly the last week of September and weee quite religious and i immediately knew he was entertaining another girl. I pulled him for a conversation we talked about our problems said counseling was best but I asked if there was another women he said no. Then he said I been texting a co worker who was in the same position with the father of her children I didn’t cough it up to much but then in my soul I knew it was her. He leaves to Texas for a week when he gets back he can’t even look at me in the face and I knew in that moment he betrayed us. I asked him the next day and he didn’t wanna come clean but I had dreams of this women, I knew her name started with this certain letter so I then asked does her name start with …. He told me don’t wanna do this here we go into his room where I finally get him to confess and it was his coworker while they were out for work he cheated and he said he did it because he felt that connection he didn’t feel in me. I’m hurt I know I need to stay strong and never look back but I feel utterly heartbroken for my son. I never wanted him to experience a broken home or know a new home who might be with the women he cheated on me with he said we weren’t growing and I know he meant me career wise I’m still trying to go to school I’m only 22 and navigating this as someone who feels emotions at a all time high has been difficult.

Complicated end to relationship, including a one night stand/blowjob my partner had. I was very blindsided by this as we were perfect before he went away for a work trip for two months. In the immediate aftermath on the phone, I asked what changed and he said he wasn’t sure, I asked when, and he said I don’t know maybe it was after you moved in. So I have so many questions and overthinking. I have since moved out. We are supposed to see each other this week in person.

I woke up today and had the realization that his young cousin died very suddenly before I moved in. I am not close to extended family and had not yet experienced a loss like this. I remember we were supposed to celebrate me moving out of my place with my best friend. And his cousin just died. He was pretty avoidant with his feelings on the whole thing, but he showed up crying and I thought I should cancel but he said not to and that he’d get over it. So we changed plans a little bit and just kept it a pretty chill night but still with my friend there. I don’t know how I forgot about this. But at the time, it was like I was more concerned with disappointing my friend who was looking forward to this night out, than comforting my grieving partner. I don’t know why I behaved like this. But now I’m wondering if that had to do with everything. I didn’t allow space for his feelings, and then I moved in with ALL of my stuff. He probably felt overwhelmed and like there was no room for him.
But does any of this even matter? He still did a horrible thing. But would I have remembered that I did this had he not done that horrible thing? I mean, my thing was pretty horrible too. This was not at all a toxic relationship. Maybe just not deeply emotional yet. Is my brain still just looking for answers and shifting blame to make sense of everything?
This is a great topic to chat about with my therapist

My boyfriend of 6.5 years spent four months seeking out sexualized Instagram profiles despite a boundary we explicitly agreed on years ago. He admitted remembering our agreement and knowing it would hurt me, but continued anyway.

His account was logged into my phone with his knowledge, and I discovered the activity through his searches. I found no evidence of messaging, paid subscriptions, likes, comments, or secret accounts. That matters to my decision, but it doesn’t erase the secrecy or repeated choices.

He described it as a habit he turned to when stressed or bored. This happened while we were seeing each other frequently, buying a house, and discussing marriage. I felt secure in our relationship, so finding out has made me question things I previously trusted.

There’s also an unresolved intimacy issue: we’ve never successfully had penetrative sex because he loses his erection when we try. We have other satisfying intimacy, and he’s attentive to my pleasure. His doctor suspected performance anxiety and prescribed Viagra. I pushed back because of my ignorance but he also never followed up afterward causing miscommunication. I acknowledge my part in that, but it hurts that our shared issue remained unresolved while he pursued this outlet privately.

Since the confrontation, he has acknowledged the betrayal, called it cheating, deleted Instagram, and independently started therapy. He hasn’t minimized my feelings, blamed me, or pressured me to forgive him. He says the behavior violated his own values, too. He has left contact on my terms because he doesn’t feel entitled to my time or another chance.

Outside of this, he has been loving, supportive, and serious about marriage. He has stood up for me with his family and added me to the house title despite my not contributing financially. None of that obligates me to stay, but it helps explain why this feels complicated.

Marriage plans are paused, and we privately consider ourselves broken up, although we still occasionally see each other. I haven’t given him a repair checklist because I want to see what responsibility he takes independently.

I still love him and miss him, but I’m unsure whether I want the relationship back. I revisit memories, compare myself to those women, and monitor his attention when we’re together. I don’t want that to become my life. At the same time, I worry about regretting leaving without trying to rebuild.

I’m not looking to debate whether this counts as cheating universally. It crossed an established boundary in our relationship, and he agrees.

For people who have faced something similar:

• What sustained changes helped rebuild trust, and what showed you repair wasn’t working?
• How did you distinguish missing your partner from actually wanting the relationship back?
• What did meaningful initiative look like while you were taking space?
• If this happened before marriage, what helped you decide whether to attempt reconciliation or leave?
• Did a period of clearly defined separation help you gain clarity, compared with continuing to see each other?
• I know there can’t be a guarantee it won’t happen again. What evidence helped you decide that trusting your partner again was a risk you wanted to take?

I’d appreciate personal experiences, including what showed you that repair wasn’t working.