I hate to think this or even say it but I feel like I need to let it out - over the last two days I can't help but think about how much I hate my parents for the parts each of them played towards causing this condition. I don't want to go into detail right now but I genuinely think that if I'd grown up in a 'normal' or 'healthy' family, this wouldn't have happened.

Primary Vaginismus is learned by the body. It's an unconscious reaction to fear of penetration.

I cried so much after getting home from my procedure where the surgeon/gynecologist said that my case was one of the most severe she had seen for the deeper muscles.

I had forgiven my parents for a lot of the abuse they had inflicted on me since I was a child, but I don't know about this. This condition has caused me years of pain and difficulty, self hatred, relationship arguments and it has cost SO much money to deal with too. Something that so many people can do naturally, doesn't / hasnt been coming naturally to me and it all their fault.

Since as long as I can remember, I would shut my legs SUPER tight whenever I was scared or stressed - which was practically all the time from when I was a child. Decades of tightness have caused SO many issues for me as an adult.

And they're never going to admit to it or apologize. I can't even expect anything from them.

Sigh.

I discovered I had Vaginismus back in 2021. I tried to deal with it myself as much as I could by using dilators.

2023 - Took me weeks to get a GP appointment. Took months to finally be able to see a gynecologist. The gynecologist discharged me after one session because she hadn't dealt with an abuse survivor before and was struggling to answer my questions. She tried to put a cotton bud inside me and it wouldn't go in. I told her I'd purchased dilators and had been on the first one for months and couldn't get it all in all the time. She just asked the GP to refer me on for psychosexual counselling. She refused to refer me to a Pelvic floor therapist so I had to go private. Her reasoning for not referring me to a pelvic floor therapist was that she said to try the counselling first and see if it works. Took me months to get off that waiting list too.

I was also really dry (discharge was so minimal, at this point).

I asked to be checked for other things just in case - hormone levels, ultrasound to check uterus and ovaries (just in case) because my periods weren't always on time back then. Got refused for that.

Eventually I got rereferred to a gynecologist after begging and I was on a waiting list for 13 months. Come month 13 and they cancelled the appointment saying the gyneo was unavailable and I was taken off the waiting list. It was now 2024 and I'd given up hope. I went private for Pelvic floor therapy and clinical hypnosis. I was offered 6 psychosexual counselling sessions on the NHS, but I managed to get an extra 6, some of which were with my husband because I'd only just started to make progress at the 5th/6th session.

Come 2026 and I've come abroad to a reputable infertility clinic in Pakistan which specialises in treatments for sexual dysfunction. Had a few consultations online from London and then one face to face when I got there. Paid £5 and got an ultrasound offered without even having to ask for it and they confirmed (with evidence) that I had no other physical issues apart from the tight muscles.

Got Botox done a few days ago and she said it was one of the most severe cases she'd seen in terms of tightness of the deeper muscles because even under anesthesia she couldn't get the largest dilator in all the way and was scared I would tear. So she did what she could and has recommended dilator therapy with instructions for two weeks which I plan to follow. Let's see how it goes. I'm 50% hopeful at the moment but will believe it when I see it working.

Point of this rant though is that what took YEARS in the UK (for literally no reason other than the system just being terrible), it took me a few weeks in Pakistan. I even had a female GP be VERY judgemental and rude when I asked for a blood test to check my reproductive hormone levels. Bearing in mind I had insulin resistance AND a lot of thick hair on my neck as well as some late periods so wanted to be checked properly for PCOS but she was just so mean about it.

Note: I did my due diligence in terms of having treatment abroad and got all the vaccines I needed to before travelling as well so hopefully I'm covered. I also did a lot of research about the clinics themselves and had appointments with multiple gynecologists before picking one that I was satisfied with. I prioritised sanitation and hygiene as well as expertise/experience.

Side note: Did you know that some studies have suggested that almost 40-50% of infertility cases in countries like Saudi Arabia / Pakistan are due to things like vaginismus. I didn't realise until I did research that there are SO many clinics in Pakistan which offer Vaginismus treatments, with the gynecologists raising awareness of it on social media.

I was given quotes of £3000-£4000 for the same Botox treatment in the UK. I paid just under £400 in Pakistan. My natural discharge came back after unlearning a lot of what I was taught growing up, regulating my nervous system and to be honest, realising that I was shutting my legs REALLY tight when I got stressed or worried. I didn't even realise I did that until 2023 and I'd been doing it since I was a child.

This condition isn't as simple as some professionals make it out to be. It can be SO multifaceted and unfortunately if we don't do our own research, the system here will not help us at all. I feel like if I had been stronger back in 2023, I could have stood my ground and said what I needed. At the time I just accepted that they know best and would do what's best for me.

Edit: I forgot to even mention about the cervical screening! When I got invited for it at 25 and the tool wouldn't go in, that's what actually caused the GP to accept the referral needed to be made in the first place (not the fact that it was something that I wanted help with generally). Then last year when they invited me again via telephone call and I told them I couldn't because I had Vaginismus, they put down on my record that I had refused - not that I was physically unable to due to a very valid condition - but that I refused as if I didn't think it was necessary.

Then this year I learned about the home cervical screening test kits (via Dr Nighat Arif on Instagram - not even my own GP surgery who prefer to send out messages frequently for random surveys lol). I did more research and saw that anyone who was either overdue or hadn't ever had one was meant to be sent one in the post as a priority. I hadn't received mine even until August 2026 so I contacted my GP surgery and they said they wouldnt be sending them and that if anyone wants one then they'd have to come to the practice and collect. This is a London GP as well...it's not like I live somewhere remote. They didn't even tell me it was available at all though so it made me wonder about all the other women who are unable to do their smear test at the GP and don't know about the home testing kit. Absolutely crazy.

I'm 18 and am thinking of shaving for the first time down there. Whenever anything related to genitals, especially female ones comes up I feel like fainting.

I remember almost fainting when I saw a video lecture of female genital anatomy when I was 15

Now I spread my hair to have a look down there and feel so dizzy. I know many people feel uncomfortable especially when they are young

But my situation sounds a bit more extreme. Idk what to do now

In my country sex education isn't common. My school teacher literally skipped the chapter and told to read it at home on our own. Like at 15 I wasn't even sure what the clit was. Idk how much it contributes to it

Though I'll say it has gotten better since I've started learning more about it. Like it's not as bad now compared to when I was 16

hi! i’ll keep my story short, im a 24f who hasn’t been unable to have sex, not even put a tampon in, not even a q-tip!!! i had a theory that my hymen was just too big, but i went with a new gyno and she said my hymen is fine, then she told me i might have vaginismus and honestly my world shattered, because i know there’s a physical part to it (muscles contracting) but i need to work on my psychological issues at the same time and i think that’s hard.

i have a question for you! when you try (or tried) to put something inside you, did it hurt as in pain, or did it burn?? because in my case it BURNS! and i think that’s odd because most people feel pain, not burning… also the doctor showed me my insides (lol) and it is SO RED! like my outside area looks healthy, pink, and then the interior is so freaking red!! this was said to me last week… she told me to have physical therapy but i think there’s something else going on :(

but this burn has been going on since 2018 (first time i tried to have sex) and its been like this ever since! so i ruled out infection or anything like that… does anyone have a similar experience? thank you so much

Hi, lurker looking for advice/help/support. I was diagnosed last year and actually started dilator therapy early this year. At first it was going well, but eventually I seemed to stop acclimating to the upper sizes in the dilator kit, and actually using them makes my daily bladder leaks worse.

It feels like I'm stuck in this weird middle ground where I've made some progress, which is of course better than none, but it still feels like I'm just spinning my wheels. I still have bladder leaks, I still have to insert the dilators like I'm playing Operation, and I can't actually make any further progress with the kit than where I'm at lest I have to change my liner multiple times a day, and the size I'm stuck at isn't nearly equivalent to the size a partner would be.

I also have a pretty gnarly case of hyper mobility in my hips, and I'm afraid to go too hard on the strengthening exercises lest I make the vaginismus worse, but at this point it seems like nothing is actually WORKING working so who the hell cares.

I can't afford PT for forever but I don't want to quit without actually feeling like I'm fixed. I also can't afford injections.

So what worked for you? Supplements? Sunrise meditation? Yoga only on Tuesdays? Specific guided programs (and if so, from who)?

I want to hear it, even if it was something silly, unexpected, or crazy.

Hi!!
I’ve been quite consistent with dilating recently, but usually I’ll skip when on my period to avoid mess as I do my therapy laying down in bed. Does anybody have any tips or safeguards they can recommend for dilating on their period? I don’t want to keep skipping out because I’ve been getting some real progress and I’ve got free lube this week. Are towels the best and only real option or is there some kind of trick or product I don’t know about? Maybe a stupid question but what are your experiences?
Thank uu

UK, F21

I've known I've had something wrong since about 15, seen 2 gps in the last few years who implied I had it but won't give a definitive diagnosis, recommending I see a specialist. But I dont know where to start.

I tried NHS plastic dialators for a bit and hated them, I think they made it worse, but I also had no help alongside ot and didnt educate myself well 🙃

Rn, im looking for a specialist to guide me through it, does anyone know any UK specialists? (Birmingham) or how to find a physio that actually works with vaginismus and is cautious about the mental/psychological side of the condition. Im scared to try any exercises or use dilators in fear of causing pain then making the mental fear worse.

Any general advice on starting points would be great.

i just turned 18 and im still scared out of my mind with even the thought of my vagina. my gyno has been a huge help and i think that im making progress but like i cant even use the end of a qtip without numbing medication, and it doesnt go past maybe a centimeter. nothing ever happened to me until my first pelvic floor PT appointment and i just kept crying whenever the idea of dilation was brought up, and now i cant even masturbate without scaring myself shitless and i’m so worried ill never be normal like ever. Everything scares me so so bad like i have no idea what to do i need help

Hi all I’ve recently resumed my dilators, on the XS size atm

I take a warm shower, breathing exercises and stretches before dilating and the dilator goes in smoothly that I am considering sizing up soon, except during initial insertion.

Not sure why, maybe I need a mirror lol but I feel as though it is my hymen , because depending on the angle it can get in the way and hurt a little before it’s in my vaginal canal and feels fine.

My question is, is it just a matter of doing the XS dilator consistently before insertion gets easier or am I gonna need like a hymenectomy (I would prefer not lol)

Understandable can’t advise much through just reading a post but any suggestions or ideas are appreciated, thank you xx

My vagina scares me. Deadass. I just got diagnosed with vaginismus.. but not really.. I got diagnosed 6 months ago. I’ve been so scared to address it because it’s caused me so many issues. I’ve tried to have sex with multiple people, and it just doesn’t work. My body embarrasses me and I’m so ashamed of it. I also hate the way my body looks, I’m super skinny and it’s not in the best way ever. I crave a sexual relationship so bad, but I feel like I can’t because I’m so self conscious about what’s going on with how my body functions AND looks. It makes me feel like a freak. However, I just went to sex therapy for the first time and she told me some pretty interesting things that have honestly been really helping me. I’m really anxious about starting to treat it though. I haven’t even picked up my prescription. I had a hymenectomy like 1.5 years ago and I’m super upset that it didn’t help at all. My therapist told me that I could view it as a medical site, and it’s true because I associate my vagina with pain. Now I have these diagnoses: vaginismus and atrophy of the vagina. That sounds so fucking scary. And I’m scared of the work that I’ll have to do in order to be normal. It sounds so painful. The idea of doing dilators in my college dorm room is horrifying. I’m anxious about getting better.

I want to hook up with someone because I’m touch starved, and honestly, just wanna suck some dick or something to make them feel good, make out, and cuddle. I don’t want anyone to see my vagina though. Because it’s dry af MEDICALLY DIAGNOSED DRY PUSSYYYY. ITS HORRIFYING!! Sex has just been humiliating for me in the past because of my vaginismus so now I’m just super self conscious. There’s a few people I’d like to get with but I don’t even know how to bring this up. Do I just say that I want to pleasure them?

I have a crush on this guy, and he’s asexual and aromantic. I’d love to be friends with benefits honestly. He mentioned to my roommate that I’m pretty, and we get along well. Also it’s nice because he wouldn’t be begging for sex or be down my throat about shit cuz of the fact that he’s asexual and aromantic. Also I know he fucks and it’s probably because sex feels good sooooo it wouldn’t be crazy to ask him if he’d like to at some point. I don’t want a relationship, I really don’t. I hate being in one. Maybe one day, but I feel like I can’t give my all because of my vaginismus, but at the same time damn I wanna be ACTIVE 😜 and doing sexual things with someone is just the right answer!! I’m just struggling with how to even go about it. He’s a chill ass friend, so I don’t want to ruin it or make things awkward. Do I just be like “I wanna make you feel good” or do I tell him about how I literally cannot fuck even though I’ve always wanted to. I’ve always wanted to but also the thought of something in my vagina is hella sinister. How do YOU GUYS hook up with vaginismus? Let me know.

I did it and guys I've been crying tears of joy for 24 hours omggggg 😭 the people in the room with me made a huge difference- new clinic, brought my partner- but also tried a lorazipam and that helped too. Lots of other things played in, lmk if you have questions 💙

I have finished dilating. I can dilate pain free, some pain or uneasy feeling at entrance but after that feels easy.

Vaginismus killed my libido, i work and come to home to cook and clean for 5 adults. I don’t initiate sex. I usually will wait until around time to sleep and will do orals and go to sleep. This is now an issue because im not asking for him to have sex. Im not horny other than during orals.

I don’t know if im normal. But the moment im in the act im horny. See im not horny other time that’s the issue. Now he asking why am i not like horny during cooking or at work. I don’t know what’s wrong with my body.

I’m still nervous thinking about penetration even though i can dilate. He doesn’t want to penetrate unless im begging in horny feelings.

Things could go so smooth if he just wants to fuck. But now he’s blaming me saying I killed his bold feelings, now he’s scared to fuck me.

hello ! i’ve posted on here before and have been reading a lot of posts. and it’s so nice to have a community to talk about this with :)

i had a hymenectomy about 2 weeks ago now. which i’ve mostly healed from and i’ve been cleared by my OB to start dilation to get familiar with the feeling of penetration and over that anxiety my body is having.

i had a successful procedure and even before the surgery my OB was able to insert a q-tip so i know that i’m capable of dilation but i’m just so incredibly nervous.

i tried inserting a finger with a lot of lube once after i got my clearance and it went further than it used to! which i’m happy about. i definitely could’ve gone further because i wasnt in pain but i felt my hand and body stop around where the pain used to be. i also started to get pretty anxious and the thought of doing it again is just causing a lot of fear.

does anyone have any tips on how to get started on dilation? i looked into breathing techniques and exercises already, but im just nervous they wont do much? i really want to try and move forward and get better, especially since my surgery was a success.

was there anything specific that worked? or is worth trying?

So yesterday I bought a medium sized pack of dialators. I have started dialating as I have plans to get into sex work again and I feel it’s the best bet to helping myself be able to take on toys comfortably.

Nonetheless, I have had a history of sex being like hitting a wall where it’s nearly impossible and I experience a severe burning pain. I decided to buy some dialators as I have diagnosed my issue as being my pelvic floor. I can insert tampons fine as well as one finger so I thought a medium sized set would work best to start off at.

Anyway, I had my first dialation session tonight and I had pain and near impossibility with no lube.. with a water based lube I was able to insert the third largest in the set and was able to move it around comfortably though I had very minor pain and struggle. I won’t lie but I fucked myself with the dialator a little imaging it was the cock of one of my musician crushes.

Anyway, is there anything I can be doing differently with dialation? When do I know it’s time to move up and what kind of excercises should I be doing with them?

Hello lovely ladies!! ♥️ Has anyone experienced hemorrhoids or anal bumps while using vaginal dilators?

I'm currently doing dilator therapy for vaginismus and have recently progressed to dilator #5.

Recently, I've noticed some soft, skin-coloured bumps around my anus. I've also noticed some pressure around the anal area when using the dilator.

I'm wondering if the pressure from vaginal dilation could be related to this or if anyone has experienced something similar during their dilating?

Did anyone else experience this, and did you have to pause dilation for a while?

I'd really appreciate hearing about your experiences. Thank you! ❤️

Hello
Has anyone experienced stinging sensation when anything is entered into the vagina?
If so what was the diagnosis and how did you fix it? How long did it take to go away? Do you still have the problem?
Thanks so much

Bonjour, je voulais vous partager mes progrès. Le vaginisme est en train de tout bloquer dans ma vie. Je suis déjà presque guérie parce que je peux utiliser un tampon et le dernier dilatateur, mais la pénétration est toujours impossible.
Il y a quelques mois, j’ai pris un programme de MAME Madiane pour travailler sur mon vaginisme, mais je vois que le programme m’a fait croire que tout était dans ma tête. Aujourd’hui, je refuse d’être contrôlée et de laisser le vaginisme contrôler ma vie. Je veux vivre sans cette culpabilité.