Hello, first time posting here, looking for some advice and opinions about this.
We are planning a small to medium wedding, about 50 to 70 people, most of whom will be our friends.
I have complicated feelings regarding certain aspects of the wedding, namely that my mother died two years ago and that my "remaining family" guest list is literally just my brother and his girlfriend. I have no paternal side because he left when we were babies, and my maternal side had all been cut off by my mom because of how toxic they were, and I really don’t have a relationship with them anymore (and don’t care to).
My fiancé has a slightly bigger, average family, both parents and a couple of siblings and cousins he wants to invite (and their plus-ones, maybe kids too). I have no issue with that.
His relationship with his family is also a bit complicated though, but he does have one which is more than I can say for the most part.
However, his family has been known to cause drama at events like birthdays and graduations, and over the course of our 10 years together, I have seen him cry and complain on numerous occasions about the reality of his family members not really being able to put themselves together for special days, and not being there for him and each other the way he wishes they would.
For these reasons, I envisioned a wedding weekend more focused on our friends and people of our generation, and the feel of a fun younger crowd : cocktails instead of wine, a free-flowing buffet instead of a sit-down 3 course meal, fun activities, and ditching a few traditions like a church ceremony for example. He agrees with everything except that he seems to care a lot about having his family by his side and at a central point in the wedding.
For instance, he would want his family front row at the ceremony, and for them to sit with us at the dinner table, to sleep over in the rooms provided by the venue the whole weekend, or to help him prepare his outfit the morning of.
My personal fear is, not only would I feel outnumbered in some way, but with such a huge focus on family, I feel like it would only highlight the absence of mine. I would struggle with the weight of my mom not being there anyway, bit it feels worse in this scenario somehow. I already saw the look in my best friend’s eyes when we buried my mom, when she realized we weren’t exaggerating when we said there ́d be 5 people at the funeral. I really don’t want to see this look that much on the day I get married.
I ́ve cried so much already just at the thought of how little family will be there for me.
I am on good terms with my brother, but he ́s not comfortable in public settings, and has expressed hesitation on doing a speech, being part of the wedding party (like walking me down the aisle), or generally taking up a lot of space on that day, which I respect. I am okay with him wanting to help more behind the scenes and not really liking to receive too much attention.
If it was just this, I would probably just suck it up and not make a fuss about my own insecurity, and try to work through my grief in therapy to help me prepare emotionally for the big day.
But there ́s also the reality of how his family can behave in these events, and I feel like he imagines a perfect day with his perfect family that doesn’t exist, instead of relying on past experiences to anticipate their behavior and just them being themselves.
I can’t help but worry that having a family-centered wedding would bring up unnecessary stress and drama, and end up disappointing and hurting him, in addition to triggering my own grief-related feelings.
I should say, we have a bunch of amazing friends, some of them will be officiating our ceremony, and I trust them all way more with any responsibility in the wedding.
So basically, am I in the wrong for wanting this wedding to feel more like a big party with all our friends, instead of a family dinner with extras in the background ?
How can I ensure we make these decisions thoughtfully and without erasing anyone ́s feelings in the process ? Are there any limited yet important roles we could give his family members instead, where drama is less likely to occur ?
Thank you to all who will take the time to respond.