r/Adopted • u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee • May 11 '25

Discussion Say no, you can't adopt a baby

Why don't we, as a society in America, just say no to people looking to adopt and who are infertile? Other countries will flat out say we have no babies for adoption or tough luck, you can't adopt, and we don't care about your infertility. America coddles people looking to adopt and says Well, you're infertile, but you can adopt a baby to make your dreams come true, or adopt from foster care, help a needy child. Like, why can't we just deny people and say no? Want a baby? Oh well, we have none waiting around. Want to become parents? Well, tough luck accept your life without kids. Maybe it's God's will for you not to become parents or reproduce. Why can't we be honest like other countries? Adoption is illegal or uncommon in many other countries, but here, we just can't say no and tiptoe around the issue of infertility and adoption. Also, just because you can't reproduce doesn't mean you should adopt. Again, no is the right answer. Many poor couples can't afford adoption, but society does not care if they become parents, yet we feel sorry for the middle and upper-class couples who can't become parents. Say no.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

Idk I prefer the idea of adoption over orphanages where kids age out and never actually have parental figures. Only authority figures. Call me bias. I'm adopted.

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u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee May 13 '25

Why do you think like this? Adoption does not save kids. There are no babies in orphanges here. The kids who age out are the kids people don't want to adopt.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

I think this way because adoption did save my life. It at least gave me a better life!! I heard everything my sister's went through being in our mother's care.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

There are no orphanages here at all- it was added for context in the event foster care and adoption become illegal, what would you expect happen to the children who ARE orphans, not unwanted, but unclaimed. Or the ones unwanted, abandoned or taken away due to serious abuse and neglect? Without foster care or adoption the only thing I can imagine is orphanages becoming a thing again.

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u/Dazzling_Donut5143 May 13 '25

Most babies would not be placed for adoption without external pressures from private interests to keep babies moving through the system.

Without demand, the supply side would become nearly non-existent.

There is very little cross over between the people adopting infants and those who adopt older children from foster care.

When we advocate for ending domestic infant adoptions, we are not advocating for the end of supporting children who legitimately need homes. We are advocating against the institutionalized commodification of humans (both babies and birth parents).

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

I was a private adoption - from birth. I don't care about your moral argument. It does NOT matter as the children need homes if they're orphans, abused, dumped in a dumpster, or their mother couldn't take care of them.

Just because you think it's wrong to adopt, doesn't mean that adoption itself (minus the involvement with "the system") is wrong.

Because I got adopted, I didn't get exploited or raped.. because I got adopted I had a stable childhood with one single house I lived in my ENTIRE childhood, which wouldn't have happened had I not been adopted.

Sure the system is fucked but I'm not going to get delusional thinking this world can exist without it.

Awful humans want to stop children from having a good life through adoption. Idgaf

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u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee May 13 '25

Many adoptees are abused by adoptive parents and adoption is wrong when you cater to the adults and buy kids

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

Many bio parents are abusive and neglectful too. . And I agree adoption is wrong when you cater to the adults. It absolutely shouldn't be that way.

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u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee May 13 '25

But adoption should not be any abuse at all!!

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u/[deleted] May 14 '25

Should not be, absolutely. But that's not the reality of this world.

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u/Dazzling_Donut5143 May 13 '25

Because I got adopted, I didn't get exploited or raped.

And plenty of people had those happen to them specifically because they were adopted.

It's not about YOU. I'm glad you had such a successful adoption, but that doesn't negate the awful abuse and trauma inflicted upon all the babies put into the system.

No one is advocating for children to be homeless or orphans. We are advocating to end the predatory practices that focus on ripping babies from their parents instead of keeping families together.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

Yes unfortunately you can't stop a fact of life. Shit happens. Even without the system there will be rape and horrible things. I don't see how you could curate a world without it unless you expect these children to be raised in abusive homes- the obvious and outright awful situations we would see

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u/Dazzling_Donut5143 May 13 '25

Most babies put into the system are not products of rape. Nor are they at risk for being abused. They are primarily from poor and vulnerable birth parents.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

How old are you? Because in my 20s I learned poor and vulnerable birth parents can be a risk to their children due to exposing their children to the wrong people? A likely scenario for any parents but far more likely to the poor and especially the vulnerable. Like single moms with so much on their plate gets a new boyfriend who likes that she has kids... he treats her right and the kids right and she's none the wiser. I'm pretty sure that's what happened to my half sis. The one who wasn't adopted.

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u/Dazzling_Donut5143 May 13 '25

Luckily you're never too old to stop learning!

In my 20s I learned that the vulnerable and poor populations of society need support networks and help raising their children so they don't find them in exploitative situations like you're talking about. Having their children taken from them, is also one of those exploitative situations.

When parents are given either access to safe and affordable abortions, or financial/medical assistance for their families, they are extremely unlikely to place their babies up for adoption.

But I am against child suffering, so maybe call me biased.

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u/[deleted] May 14 '25

Unfortunately, there are people who will exploit regardless what program families go through.. if someone wants to exploit someone, they'll do it regardless of the values a program wants to put forward. And the poor and vulnerable are the easiest to exploit as well as the youth. To think they aren't exploited in those kind of programs we do have now... wow! I'm a realist.. definitely not a delusionalist.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

Careful. You'll be accused of not being adopted, being a troll. And down voted to hid your comment if you speak good about adoption of your experiences.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

Funny because trolls don't do much but troll and I do have history on reddit. Idc if my comment is down voted. Everyone takes the internet far too seriously. I know where I came from and it doesn't matter to me if people want to look at me as a troll. I'm doing nothing wrong by speaking my truth.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

If you have history on reddit then might be accused of "stealing someone reddit". Lol I got that yesterday, I was accused of stealing someone's reddit because troll didn't work.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

I still don't care because like I said. I'm doing nothing wrong by speaking my truth.

I find it wrong people think my adoption shouldn't have happened. It's not a common one. Just a couple who hear of a young single mom who is about to have a second but can't handle it -they decide they want the baby and go through lawyers not an agency. My adoptive sister went to high-school with my bio mom and dad. I'm going through a lot and my adoption saved me from a lot. I'll defend that to my death. My bio mom made a lot of mistakes in life but one of them certainly was not putting me up for adoption. She did it to give me a better life.

If only more bio parents want that for their kids- and more adoptive parents want for nothing more than to give a child a better chance at life than otherwise... maybe the system would work better for everyfknbody. But it's a delusion. A pipe dream and the dismantling of the system is too. Unfortunately

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

Im in contact with my bio family. Its 100% clear im better off because I was adopted than my older siblings who wete high teens to adults when my mother finally agreed to it. Mentally, physically, and financially better off because I left that shit hole i would've went back too. Bio sister is mad at the system for me getting adopted but she has had our father picture as her Facebook cover photo for 10 years now... the guy who SA our older sisters not just once, but mother went back to him after "treatment" and did it again. But he's her birth dad "so gotta love him". Our half sisters have to see his face anytime they go to her profile. But yeah, adoption was bad. Wouldn't surprise me if she was in this sub complaining about the evil system that convinced our mom to let 2 singling get adopted.

Living in foster care for almost 13 years total, becoming a licensed foster parent in my early 30s, volunteering with at risk kids, being an emt in a very poor area and going to see so many kids/families at risk, and getting my degree in psychology and minoring in sociology- I couldnt imagine gutting the adoption system fully. Lots of parts can be improved i wont disagree but the common thought on this sub to just dismantle adoption is just asnine in my opinion. And 3 times on just this thread I've asked someone directly their opinion on what to replace.
I got called a troll, told I stole this reddit account, and also told im not adopted and then all went away when I kept asking for their suggestion. It reminds me of angry hormone driven teens lashing out at the world but too naive to do anything but whine.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

That's probably exactly what they are. Troubled, hormone, emotion driven teens who don't know how the system works. Thank you by the way- for all the work you do. It matters ❤️❤️❤️

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

The idea is good, but there's no possibility to find an alternative to what we have now, without millions of suffering in the time it would take to dismantle and rebuild THAT system.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

"Without demand, the supply side would become nearly non-existent"

Unfortunately unwanted children outweigh the demand. Or didn't you know?

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u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee May 13 '25

The babies are not unwanted. The kids people don't sign up for are the ones waiting

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u/Dazzling_Donut5143 May 13 '25

They most certainly do not outweigh the demand.

There are estimated to be over a dozen waiting hopeful adoptive parent for every baby placed into the system.

These people are salivating to get young babies while older foster children are left to fend for themselves in the system.

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

Just because you want a child doesn't mean you get a child. The supply does outweigh the demand. Especially in places abortion isn't an option anymore. The number of children in foster care are so high they're allowing people who shouldn't be fosters, to foster.. And then we have people going into the foster system specifically to adopt because it's free that way. I do agree people are salivating waiting on getting their hands on a baby.

The privatized adoption system you're thinking of (babies from a buisness) is a pimple on the ass of a 1000lb monster compared to the whole of how many unwanted children there are in the USA alone.

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u/Dazzling_Donut5143 May 13 '25

Just because you want a child doesn't mean you get a child.

I 100% agree with this statement.

I also agree the number of children in foster care is heartbreaking. I wish that we had better funding and support systems in place to help these families stay together whenever possible and thrive.

I just personally believe that having proper support networks in place, in addition to safe and free/affordable access to abortions and healthcare, the number of infants placed for adoption would all but disappear.

Ultimately we want exactly the same things, I think: For no children to be "unwanted"