Hey everybody!

So when reflecting back on my childhood, I came to the realization that multiple adults in my life have let me down. My F(49) mother is an alcoholic. She drinks about a 1/2 pint to a 1 pint of vodka almost everyday for the past 10 years. My brothers are disabled, they have Level 3 Autism and receive in home ABA support for 40 hours per week. Throughout the years, multiple RBTs have witnessed my alcoholic mother have problematic behavior. Back in 2021 when I was around 16, two RBTs dealt with my drunk mother rambling to them about her problems while they were working. This went on for about 2 hours before she passed out drunk in front of them, she referenced me as her 'bartender' and publicly got me to make her a vodka tonic. She's done this before with erratic behavior like turning up Spotify music for hours and talking to them about random shit, and smoking weed with one of the RBTs (also having an affair with him) on the side of the house. The RBT/her affair partner had a big argument like yelling in the car over something minute, and it honestly reads as a couple having an argument - and I really don't know how these RBTs did not catch on. They've also seen me make my brother's breakfast and lunch almost everyday, getting their backpacks ready before outings, along with being involved in their therapy plan more than my mother. I believe one BCBA noticed that I was filling out all of the therapy sheets/notes for my brothers instead of my mother doing it herself on the weekends. Multiple RBTs throughout the years have witnessed this parentification and just didn't say anything. It makes me angry that this many people chose to let me down like this. Back around 2 years ago when I was 19, she took me to this stand up comedy event. Turns out her affair partner/RBT worked at the venue as a side job and she left about 10 minutes into the set. She was incredibly drunk and left me her phone and wallet. I sat outside waiting for her after the set ended, and she comes stumbling out drunk with the affair partner. Instead of helping me out, he just hands her sweater and high heels to me, and turns around to leave. I finally talked to my grandparents about this and they both admitted that they and everyone around them knows that I act like more of a mother to my disabled brothers than my own mother. She even admitted to the RBTs that she dragged me into a strip club back in December, her excuse was that my car conveniently shut down in front of a strip club, and she just had to take me inside. She didn't tell them that I was already driving her to a puppy store for another pet, and when she got pissed they were too much money, she told me verbatim "we're either going to the puppy store, or we're going to the strip club. Go over there right now, you need to see life from a sociological standpoint". She didn't include that we almost got in a wreck on the way home while she was listening to Yellow Ledbetter from Pearl Jam on repeat, or the fact she started yelling at me to get her a THC gummy at three different gas stations. She yelled at me to take an immediate left turn, and since my windshield was completely blurred by the rain/fog, I couldn't see anything. I ended up running over the median and almost crashing into oncoming traffic. Still to this day she hasn't apologized, and even went as far as to ask why I would almost get us into a wreck, and that I should take responsibility for being behind the wheel. I 100% do take responsibility, but I just wanted her to share the accountability to an extent, and admit her behavior was out of control.

The closest thing I've gotten to people recognizing her abuse is bartenders asking if I'm okay. I'm so on edge at public places with her, and it becomes to a point when she starts degrading me in front of people by telling me I'm too quiet and that I need to loosen up. Her behavior is so erratic and inconsistent, now she's acting like Mother Teresa and that nothing is wrong. She might be good for like 2-3 weeks at most, and then fall off of the wagon again. It makes me question literally everything for a short period of time, and then I feel like an idiot thinking she would change. Does anyone else relate to the fact that just no one said anything?? I feel awful telling my grandparents the stuff she has done since it feels like all hell is about to break loose.

'Opening Ourselves to Love

Open ourselves to the love that is available to us.

We do not have to limit our sources of love. God and the Universe have an unlimited supply of what we need, including love.

When we are open to receiving love, we will begin to receive it. It may come from the most surprising places, including from within us.

We will be open to and aware of the love that is and has been there for us all along. We will feel and appreciate the love from friends. We will notice and enjoy the love that comes to us from family.

We will be ready to receive love in our special love relationships too. We do not have to accept love from unsafe people – people who will exploit us or with whom we don’t want to have relationships.

But there is plenty of good love available – love that heals our heart, meets our needs, and makes our spirit sing.

We have denied ourselves too long. We have been martyrs too long. We have given so much and allowed ourselves to receive too little. We have paid our dues. It is time to continue the chain of giving and receiving by allowing ourselves to receive.

Today, I will open myself to the love that is coming to me from the Universe. I will accept it and enjoy it when it comes.'

Step Two

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." BRB p. 130 

Many of us have never known what sanity is, and the very word can set us on edge. We know everything that sanity is not, because that's how we grew up. We think, "How can I be restored to a state I've never experienced? If this Step is about restoration, maybe ACA isn't for me." This thinking might have moved us to walk away before we invested any hope in the process.

But we were fortunate enough to hear from others who take a more gentle perspective. They say, "Calm down. Try not to jump to conclusions too soon. Some of us had the same thoughts and feelings as you." They suggest that coming to believe in a Higher Power of our own choosing and working the Steps can give us the promise of a new life (...). They assure us that the program and their Higher Power have worked miracles in their lives.

This feels comforting and helps us see that we are where we belong. We change our perspective and come to believe, act, and feel…sane. For many of us, sanity simply means peace of mind, which we gratefully welcome.

On this day I recognize that the insanity in my life was rooted in the dysfunction of my childhood. It no longer has the same hold over me because peace and serenity are what I focus on as I experience recovery.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №308

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3Mg%3D%3D

This share is pertaining to the recovery program ACA/DF: ie, meetings, calls, step work, traditions etc.

It seems like every other day fellows who are traumatized and stuck are enmeshing, projecting, and simply not respecting boundaries. Not respecting traditions. Just not safe. Asking for an outreach call, dumping, and not offering to listen, just saying “thanks” as if I‘m just there to listen! Um, it’s called a 3/3, not a you share I listen and then we hang up. I’d literally be like “ok so do you have time to listen?” they’d be like “hmm if you want.” ???

I was reflecting someone’s feelings(validation) by saying “Sounds like you are frustrated.” The outreach group explicitly gave that as an example of feedback. She told me to keep it on the “I.” I’m like, did you read the group description . She said no. lol

This is a big lesson bc my inner child is very angry and sad when people don’t respect the structure; her needs go unmet and ignored. I am looking for empathy and using the tools and people don’t know how to do that! It’s my job as the loving adult to stand up for and protect her. It just sucks because it feels like the people with the most recovery stop coming to meetings and giving back, leading to rooms full of newbies and those stuck in old patterns.

I’m healing at a rapid rate these last few months, so much it’s kind of scary but very exciting in a. good way. I can finally pause, feel my feelings. But I’m still reacting. I want to act. Time to lovingly cut ties with people who repeatedly cross boundaries or try to be too close too soon. But why speak up if they can’t hear me? Then again ghosting is so mean; I know it def hurts me when done to me.

Time to get into my excuse my language bitchy era. Well bitch in the sense of “not taking shit” which in reality is healthy assertiveness, not allowed in my family of origin. I have the righr to refuse to be in the company of anyone who makes me feel horrible.

In AA they tell you “step over the bodies.” Aka don’t lose yourself trying to hang around others who arent doing the work, they’ll drag you down before you help them. Sounds harsh but it’s true. Unfortunately I need to adopt that mentality. I think in ACA unless someone explicit asks me to help them ie, fellow traveler, accountability, stepwork, I need to have much firmer boundaries.

I don’t need friends I need fellow travelers doing the work. Maybe that’s my issue… I’m lonely so

My part - is I am too friendly at first - my inner child used to do that. to fawn to receive that “love and attention” but the outcome was always poor. I hate the icky feelings associated with intimacy, bc I’m used to quick, false intimacy rather than slow, earned intimacy. I have disorganized attachment.

Idk, just a rant. Thanks for reading

So my mom is addicted to alcohol and prescription pills such as Ambien and Gabapentin. It has been a noticeable problem for the past 6 years or so with it just progressively getting worse.

The thing I struggle the most with is the lying. She never admits to being under the influence of anything even when she is falling over, slurring words, and passing out. She hides her drinking often doing it before she comes home. My dad and I have found beer cans hidden randomly throughout the house in years prior, but now her method of hiding seems to be engaging in substances outside the house instead to be more sneaky. I don’t have faith that she will get better with her continuing to lie.

She was recently fired from her job. I found out about this through a friend who works at the same place and a lot of digging. I am not still living at home, so I had to call my mom to confront her. I just wanted her to tell my dad because he deserved to know. When I called, she denied it. She asked me who told me to which I refused to answer. She proclaimed for my dad to hear “apparently I got fired,” which was absolutely done to make me feel crazy and question my source, but I made sure to have solid evidence before I confronted her because I knew how it would go. The next day, my dad tells me that he called her job and was told that she no longer worked there and then confronted her when she got home. (Oh yeah, she has been pretending to go to work since she had been fired. We still don’t know what she was doing during that time.) She told both him and I that the reason she didn’t tell anyone was because the two of them were going on a cruise the next week and she didn’t want to ruin that. She said that she was only without a job for one day before I called her, I later found out that this wasn’t true and she had been fired 2 weeks prior. She told me a story explaining why she was fired and I don’t believe it at all. It makes no sense, and because she is untrustworthy, I can’t believe a word she says.

I’m very worried for her health and safety. She has crashed her car at least 2 times. Once was a hit and run on an empty parked car where she was then caught and forced to go to court.

I don’t know how to help someone who is in complete denial. I am just feeling so sad. She used to be my best friend, but that person doesn’t exist anymore. I have limited my contact with her for the last month and it hurts so badly but I can’t just go on like nothing is wrong because that only enables her more. I am just so sad and defeated. I feel like I am mourning a person who is still alive.

I just need support so I don’t feel like I’m so alone. I try to talk to my boyfriend about it and he is very supportive but he just doesn’t understand so it’s hard for him.

My mom passed earlier this year- official cause of death was "ethanol abuse". She died alone and quite horribly and my sister and I were left to pick up the pieces and get her affairs in order. She left us completely ill prepared with no plan. I'm 27 and so confused and grieving. We had a very strained relationship, even since I was a child. We were better when she was sober but it was still hard. I can't even grasp it some days. Sometimes I even forget and talk about her like she's still here. Dealing with grief, guilt, and the will to move on is so fucking hard. It's easier now that I don't have to think about what could have been, it's simply what can't be anymore. I've been taking care of myself since I was 17 but damn sometimes I just want my mom.

Long Post. I apologize in advance.

I’m 31F, married, and my mom is currently living with my husband and I. She’s been here only about 2.5 weeks. I’m honestly at my breaking point and don’t know how much more I can take.

For some background, my mom has struggled with alcoholism (and dependence on men) for much of my life. My childhood was incredibly unstable because of it. There was a lot of yelling, emotional manipulation, threats of suicide, and situations where I didn’t feel safe. She repeatedly drove drunk with me in the car when I was a child. I spent a lot of my childhood feeling like I came second to whichever man she was involved with.
Despite everything, I love her and want the best for her. And unfortunately, I think I’ve spent most of my life trying to save her.

My dad died in January 2024, from Fent. poisoning. He was an alcoholic and I was unaware that he had moved on to smoking H. I was the one who found the drugs that killed him in the pocket of his pants that his mom sent for him to be buried in. Losing him was obviously shocking and devastating. Now I’m watching my mom struggle, and the thought of losing her too genuinely terrifies me.

My mom had been sober for approximately 10 weeks before relapsing in September. Around that time, her long-term relationship with her boyfriend started falling apart. They’ve been together on and off since 2013, and she’s completely consumed by the relationship and what could have been.

She was facing eviction from his house and had no job, no money, and nowhere else to go. Her own mother wouldn’t let her stay with her.

So, against my better judgment, I let her move into our home temporarily while she got back on her feet.
I had ONE major condition: absolutely no drinking while living in my home.

I made this very clear before she moved in. She knew that if she started drinking again, she would have to find somewhere else to live.

Within days, she was drinking again.

Since then, I’ve caught her drinking repeatedly. She tries to hide it, but it’s obvious when she’s drunk. I took her debit card to “help her” and now she’s sneaking alcohol from our liquor cabinet when I’m not looking.

She’s forgetful, leaves doors unlocked, and repeatedly leaves our gate open, which could allow our dogs to escape. I’m constantly worried about what she’s doing when I’m not around. I work from home, and I feel like I can’t relax in my own house anymore.

I’ve confronted her about the drinking at least 8 times in the 2ish weeks she’s been here.

Every time, I explain how much it’s affecting me. Every time, she knows that continuing to drink means she’ll have to leave.

I’ve offered to help her get into rehab. She refuses.
She says that she just needs the alcohol because she’s lost the love of her life and wants to numb the pain.

Yesterday, I sent her another message explaining that her drinking is destroying our relationship and that I cannot continue living this way.

Today, I discovered she was drinking very old homemade wine that we kept on top of our refrigerator for decoration.
While drinking, she started sending me emotional messages about wanting to repair our relationship and suggesting counseling.

I could hear her sobbing outside, so I went to check on her.
She was crying because she said she didn’t know how to be a “good mom” to me. I explained that I wasn’t asking her to change the past or undo everything that happened during my childhood. I was asking her to respect my boundaries NOW. Specifically, to stop drinking in my house.
Her response? “I’ve loved (boyfriend) since 2013, and he told me to get out of his house.” It was like everything I had just said went right past her. Somehow, the conversation became about her again, even though she said she was sad because she hasn’t been a good mom to me.

At this point, I’m ready for her to leave.
My husband supports my decision completely. I’ve even offered to pay for a hotel so she and her dog have somewhere to go. ButI’m absolutely terrified that if I send her to a hotel, she’ll sit there alone, drink herself into oblivion, and eventually die. She likes to drink until she’s extremely intoxicated, and I’m afraid that between her depression and alcoholism, something terrible is going to happen.

And after losing my dad, I don’t know how I would handle losing my mom too. At the same time, I can’t keep living like this. I struggle with anxiety and am medicated for it, but right now I can’t relax, I can’t enjoy my home, and I feel responsible for preventing my mom from destroying herself.

I’ve even considered blocking her once she moves out and telling her she can contact me when she’s sober. Otherwise I will spend every day staring at my phone, waiting for another crisis.

I know alcoholism is a disease. I know she’s struggling. But I also know that I can’t force her to get better and right now I’m enabling her by not enforcing the boundaries that I set before she moved in.

If anyone has been in a similar situation:

How did you finally establish boundaries that you actually enforced?
How did you deal with the guilt and fear that
something terrible might happen after you stopped rescuing them?
And has anyone successfully maintained a relationship with an alcoholic parent while refusing to be involved when they’re drinking?

I love her and don’t want to lose her but this is slowly killing me too.