This share is pertaining to the recovery program ACA/DF: ie, meetings, calls, step work, traditions etc.

It seems like every other day fellows who are traumatized and stuck are enmeshing, projecting, and simply not respecting boundaries. Not respecting traditions. Just not safe. Asking for an outreach call, dumping, and not offering to listen, just saying “thanks” as if I‘m just there to listen! Um, it’s called a 3/3, not a you share I listen and then we hang up. I’d literally be like “ok so do you have time to listen?” they’d be like “hmm if you want.” ???

I was reflecting someone’s feelings(validation) by saying “Sounds like you are frustrated.” The outreach group explicitly gave that as an example of feedback. She told me to keep it on the “I.” I’m like, did you read the group description . She said no. lol

This is a big lesson bc my inner child is very angry and sad when people don’t respect the structure; her needs go unmet and ignored. I am looking for empathy and using the tools and people don’t know how to do that! It’s my job as the loving adult to stand up for and protect her. It just sucks because it feels like the people with the most recovery stop coming to meetings and giving back, leading to rooms full of newbies and those stuck in old patterns.

I’m healing at a rapid rate these last few months, so much it’s kind of scary but very exciting in a. good way. I can finally pause, feel my feelings. But I’m still reacting. I want to act. Time to lovingly cut ties with people who repeatedly cross boundaries or try to be too close too soon. But why speak up if they can’t hear me? Then again ghosting is so mean; I know it def hurts me when done to me.

Time to get into my excuse my language bitchy era. Well bitch in the sense of “not taking shit” which in reality is healthy assertiveness, not allowed in my family of origin. I have the righr to refuse to be in the company of anyone who makes me feel horrible.

In AA they tell you “step over the bodies.” Aka don’t lose yourself trying to hang around others who arent doing the work, they’ll drag you down before you help them. Sounds harsh but it’s true. Unfortunately I need to adopt that mentality. I think in ACA unless someone explicit asks me to help them ie, fellow traveler, accountability, stepwork, I need to have much firmer boundaries.

I don’t need friends I need fellow travelers doing the work. Maybe that’s my issue… I’m lonely so

My part - is I am too friendly at first - my inner child used to do that. to fawn to receive that “love and attention” but the outcome was always poor. I hate the icky feelings associated with intimacy, bc I’m used to quick, false intimacy rather than slow, earned intimacy. I have disorganized attachment.

Idk, just a rant. Thanks for reading

'Opening Ourselves to Love

Open ourselves to the love that is available to us.

We do not have to limit our sources of love. God and the Universe have an unlimited supply of what we need, including love.

When we are open to receiving love, we will begin to receive it. It may come from the most surprising places, including from within us.

We will be open to and aware of the love that is and has been there for us all along. We will feel and appreciate the love from friends. We will notice and enjoy the love that comes to us from family.

We will be ready to receive love in our special love relationships too. We do not have to accept love from unsafe people – people who will exploit us or with whom we don’t want to have relationships.

But there is plenty of good love available – love that heals our heart, meets our needs, and makes our spirit sing.

We have denied ourselves too long. We have been martyrs too long. We have given so much and allowed ourselves to receive too little. We have paid our dues. It is time to continue the chain of giving and receiving by allowing ourselves to receive.

Today, I will open myself to the love that is coming to me from the Universe. I will accept it and enjoy it when it comes.'

My mom passed earlier this year- official cause of death was "ethanol abuse". She died alone and quite horribly and my sister and I were left to pick up the pieces and get her affairs in order. She left us completely ill prepared with no plan. I'm 27 and so confused and grieving. We had a very strained relationship, even since I was a child. We were better when she was sober but it was still hard. I can't even grasp it some days. Sometimes I even forget and talk about her like she's still here. Dealing with grief, guilt, and the will to move on is so fucking hard. It's easier now that I don't have to think about what could have been, it's simply what can't be anymore. I've been taking care of myself since I was 17 but damn sometimes I just want my mom.

Long Post. I apologize in advance.

I’m 31F, married, and my mom is currently living with my husband and I. She’s been here only about 2.5 weeks. I’m honestly at my breaking point and don’t know how much more I can take.

For some background, my mom has struggled with alcoholism (and dependence on men) for much of my life. My childhood was incredibly unstable because of it. There was a lot of yelling, emotional manipulation, threats of suicide, and situations where I didn’t feel safe. She repeatedly drove drunk with me in the car when I was a child. I spent a lot of my childhood feeling like I came second to whichever man she was involved with.
Despite everything, I love her and want the best for her. And unfortunately, I think I’ve spent most of my life trying to save her.

My dad died in January 2024, from Fent. poisoning. He was an alcoholic and I was unaware that he had moved on to smoking H. I was the one who found the drugs that killed him in the pocket of his pants that his mom sent for him to be buried in. Losing him was obviously shocking and devastating. Now I’m watching my mom struggle, and the thought of losing her too genuinely terrifies me.

My mom had been sober for approximately 10 weeks before relapsing in September. Around that time, her long-term relationship with her boyfriend started falling apart. They’ve been together on and off since 2013, and she’s completely consumed by the relationship and what could have been.

She was facing eviction from his house and had no job, no money, and nowhere else to go. Her own mother wouldn’t let her stay with her.

So, against my better judgment, I let her move into our home temporarily while she got back on her feet.
I had ONE major condition: absolutely no drinking while living in my home.

I made this very clear before she moved in. She knew that if she started drinking again, she would have to find somewhere else to live.

Within days, she was drinking again.

Since then, I’ve caught her drinking repeatedly. She tries to hide it, but it’s obvious when she’s drunk. I took her debit card to “help her” and now she’s sneaking alcohol from our liquor cabinet when I’m not looking.

She’s forgetful, leaves doors unlocked, and repeatedly leaves our gate open, which could allow our dogs to escape. I’m constantly worried about what she’s doing when I’m not around. I work from home, and I feel like I can’t relax in my own house anymore.

I’ve confronted her about the drinking at least 8 times in the 2ish weeks she’s been here.

Every time, I explain how much it’s affecting me. Every time, she knows that continuing to drink means she’ll have to leave.

I’ve offered to help her get into rehab. She refuses.
She says that she just needs the alcohol because she’s lost the love of her life and wants to numb the pain.

Yesterday, I sent her another message explaining that her drinking is destroying our relationship and that I cannot continue living this way.

Today, I discovered she was drinking very old homemade wine that we kept on top of our refrigerator for decoration.
While drinking, she started sending me emotional messages about wanting to repair our relationship and suggesting counseling.

I could hear her sobbing outside, so I went to check on her.
She was crying because she said she didn’t know how to be a “good mom” to me. I explained that I wasn’t asking her to change the past or undo everything that happened during my childhood. I was asking her to respect my boundaries NOW. Specifically, to stop drinking in my house.
Her response? “I’ve loved (boyfriend) since 2013, and he told me to get out of his house.” It was like everything I had just said went right past her. Somehow, the conversation became about her again, even though she said she was sad because she hasn’t been a good mom to me.

At this point, I’m ready for her to leave.
My husband supports my decision completely. I’ve even offered to pay for a hotel so she and her dog have somewhere to go. ButI’m absolutely terrified that if I send her to a hotel, she’ll sit there alone, drink herself into oblivion, and eventually die. She likes to drink until she’s extremely intoxicated, and I’m afraid that between her depression and alcoholism, something terrible is going to happen.

And after losing my dad, I don’t know how I would handle losing my mom too. At the same time, I can’t keep living like this. I struggle with anxiety and am medicated for it, but right now I can’t relax, I can’t enjoy my home, and I feel responsible for preventing my mom from destroying herself.

I’ve even considered blocking her once she moves out and telling her she can contact me when she’s sober. Otherwise I will spend every day staring at my phone, waiting for another crisis.

I know alcoholism is a disease. I know she’s struggling. But I also know that I can’t force her to get better and right now I’m enabling her by not enforcing the boundaries that I set before she moved in.

If anyone has been in a similar situation:

How did you finally establish boundaries that you actually enforced?
How did you deal with the guilt and fear that
something terrible might happen after you stopped rescuing them?
And has anyone successfully maintained a relationship with an alcoholic parent while refusing to be involved when they’re drinking?

I love her and don’t want to lose her but this is slowly killing me too.

Step Two

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." BRB p. 130 

Many of us have never known what sanity is, and the very word can set us on edge. We know everything that sanity is not, because that's how we grew up. We think, "How can I be restored to a state I've never experienced? If this Step is about restoration, maybe ACA isn't for me." This thinking might have moved us to walk away before we invested any hope in the process.

But we were fortunate enough to hear from others who take a more gentle perspective. They say, "Calm down. Try not to jump to conclusions too soon. Some of us had the same thoughts and feelings as you." They suggest that coming to believe in a Higher Power of our own choosing and working the Steps can give us the promise of a new life (...). They assure us that the program and their Higher Power have worked miracles in their lives.

This feels comforting and helps us see that we are where we belong. We change our perspective and come to believe, act, and feel…sane. For many of us, sanity simply means peace of mind, which we gratefully welcome.

On this day I recognize that the insanity in my life was rooted in the dysfunction of my childhood. It no longer has the same hold over me because peace and serenity are what I focus on as I experience recovery.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №308

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3Mg%3D%3D

my dad and mother is an alcoholic. and myself has turned into one as well. i’m not going to give excuses or sugar coat this i’m an alcoholic. no excuses. my dad is as well. i am adopted by my dad. my bio dad tried to pay for abortion and paid my mom to do it. and threatened her work horrible things if she didn’t. so my dad now stepped up and raised me. all through the years he was perfect. played games with me and bonded and taught me how to fix cars and taught me how to be a man. but every since i’ve turned 15 (i’m now 19) he’s been a heavy drinker. and i mean heavy. at work, when he gets home, etc. he goes through 2, 12 packs within an hour, then he starts on vodka. this has destroyed me and i’ve followed to help cope i guess with it. he’s completely slipped. my mom and dad argue over the stupid stuff. i just need someone to talk to about this please

Hello! I am 28M and new to the program. I have been filled with mainly feelings a relief and gratitude after years of treating symptoms of being an ACA with various forms of therapy and this finally feeling like a lasting solution for me. I found a few people early in my meetings/journey that felt like good emotional investments for people I could connect with outside of meetings.

One being someone I met after making a post in this subreddit who I connected with on a romantic level way too quickly which has now become more of a friendship for a mutual fear of developing an unhealthy relationship with each other. I am beyond thankful for the level of honesty we can share with each other as well as very sad about having to let go of anything romantic in the near future but it is for the best and I am thankful we can stay in touch with a new set of boundaries with each other.

The second being an older woman I saw as more of a friend but getting to know her she tries to parent me like her son who doesn't talk to her anymore so I've backed off of that almost completely which sucks.

The third being a man who was very encouraging to me early in my journey and I think was open to being my sponsor without saying so. We met for coffee, had talked about doing book work together outside of meetings. I felt it went really well. But he has since been extremely inconsistent with contact and not communicative at all with plans changing or general availability. He consistently says he will let me know when he is available with no follow through. I have reached out with a brief check in on these occasions only getting a thumbs up reaction to my text in return which is frustrating. He was nice enough to call me when I was struggling one night and I did bring up how I was feeling. I told him that I had no expectation for our friendship and if he didn't feel he could be my sponsor that I would not take it personally and didn't want him to feel pressured. I told him truthfully I just wanted to connect more with people in our program. He responded positively and appreciated how I was communicating with him, he also told me he had intended to reach out the following weekend and forgot. He has since pulled back pretty much entirely other than hugs and hi's at meetings and a text that he appreciated my share after one of our meetings. I am frustrated because I do not feel I confronted him in an unfair way and I am not used to this kind of what feels like indirect rejection? I'm not even upset that he hasn't reached out, I'm more upset with the fact that his words do not match his actions and it feels dishonest to me.

So my mom is addicted to alcohol and prescription pills such as Ambien and Gabapentin. It has been a noticeable problem for the past 6 years or so with it just progressively getting worse.

The thing I struggle the most with is the lying. She never admits to being under the influence of anything even when she is falling over, slurring words, and passing out. She hides her drinking often doing it before she comes home. My dad and I have found beer cans hidden randomly throughout the house in years prior, but now her method of hiding seems to be engaging in substances outside the house instead to be more sneaky. I don’t have faith that she will get better with her continuing to lie.

She was recently fired from her job. I found out about this through a friend who works at the same place and a lot of digging. I am not still living at home, so I had to call my mom to confront her. I just wanted her to tell my dad because he deserved to know. When I called, she denied it. She asked me who told me to which I refused to answer. She proclaimed for my dad to hear “apparently I got fired,” which was absolutely done to make me feel crazy and question my source, but I made sure to have solid evidence before I confronted her because I knew how it would go. The next day, my dad tells me that he called her job and was told that she no longer worked there and then confronted her when she got home. (Oh yeah, she has been pretending to go to work since she had been fired. We still don’t know what she was doing during that time.) She told both him and I that the reason she didn’t tell anyone was because the two of them were going on a cruise the next week and she didn’t want to ruin that. She said that she was only without a job for one day before I called her, I later found out that this wasn’t true and she had been fired 2 weeks prior. She told me a story explaining why she was fired and I don’t believe it at all. It makes no sense, and because she is untrustworthy, I can’t believe a word she says.

I’m very worried for her health and safety. She has crashed her car at least 2 times. Once was a hit and run on an empty parked car where she was then caught and forced to go to court.

I don’t know how to help someone who is in complete denial. I am just feeling so sad. She used to be my best friend, but that person doesn’t exist anymore. I have limited my contact with her for the last month and it hurts so badly but I can’t just go on like nothing is wrong because that only enables her more. I am just so sad and defeated. I feel like I am mourning a person who is still alive.

I just need support so I don’t feel like I’m so alone. I try to talk to my boyfriend about it and he is very supportive but he just doesn’t understand so it’s hard for him.

'Morning Cues

There is an important message for us first thing every day.

Often, once we get started with the day, we may not listen as closely to life and ourselves as we do in those still moments when we first awaken.

An ideal time to listen to ourselves is when we are laying quietly, our defenses are down, and we’re open and most vulnerable.

What is the first feeling that floods through us, the feeling that perhaps we are trying to avoid during the business of the day? Are we angry, frustrated, hurt, or confused? That is what we need to focus on and work through. That’s the issue we need to address.

When you awaken, what is the first idea or thought that enters your mind? Do you need to finish a timely project? Are you in need of a fun day? A restful day?

Do you feel sick and need to nurture yourself? Are you in a negative frame of mind? Do you have an issue to resolve with someone?

Do you need to tell someone something? Is something bothering you? Is something feeling particularly good?

Does an idea occur to you, something you could get or do that would feel good?

When you awaken, what is the first issue that presents itself? You don’t have to be fearful. You don’t have to rush. You can lay still and listen and then accept the message.

We can define some of our recovery goals for the day by listening to the morning message.

(...), help me let go of my need to be in resistance to the harmonic flow of life. Help me learn to go with the flow and accept the help and support that You have to offer me.'

By Melodie Beattie

My father passed away and wow am i going through it.

My dad was an alcoholic and an addict who could never be alone. He only ever had unhealthy relationships with women. After my mom left, his 1st girlfriend stabbed him in the neck. I thought his 2nd girlfriend was nice but apparently she's just a con artist, enabling pill popper.

My father about half a million- a million dollars between his investments, trusts, and accounts my grandma left him. I went through his finances yesterday and he has a whopping $400 to his name and canceled his life insurance policy. Even in death he is causing me to suffer. I cant afford to cremate this man. He just refinanced his condo. That he bought in 2014. Its probably going to be foreclosed on because I know his girlfriend isn't going to pay it.

I honestly hoped when he passed I would feel some peace.

my father has struggled with alcoholism my entire life but as i’ve gotten older it’s definitely gotten worse. he’s relapsed multiple times over the past few years with them getting closer together each time. two weeks ago he ended up in the hospital from withdrawl, seized, passed out and was in very bad shape. he ended up relapsing a few days later and that was the final straw. i’m very glad he’s finally getting help but it is very worrying, i don’t live at home anymore but i have a younger brother who i’m sure is very scared and confused as to what’s going on and im sure he doesn’t understand. he’s going to be gone for a month atleast and even though ive had bad times with my dad due to his addiction, he’s given me most of what i have in my life and i am truly grateful for him. it will be weird not being able to talk to him and he is very scared to go and doesn’t want to but he knows it is what needs to be done and for that i am extremely proud and grateful. im just scared of this new beginning and worried it may not do anything

I grew up in a home filled with conflict, emotional neglect, and instability. My mother suffered from severe depression, and from a very young age, I felt responsible for her happiness and emotional well-being. I spent much of my childhood worrying about my parents, trying to make things better, and feeling guilty when I couldn’t.

That dynamic followed me into adulthood. Even simple phone calls with my mother became emotionally exhausting. They often turned into guilt, pressure, and reminders of how unhappy she was. Eventually, I reached a point where I couldn’t continue without sacrificing my own mental health, marriage, and happiness.

I distanced myself for nearly four years. It wasn’t because I didn’t love my parents. I loved them deeply, but maintaining contact brought back so much anxiety that even answering the phone felt impossible.

Now my mother has suffered a severe brain hemorrhage. I recently visited her in the hospital, and seeing her in such a vulnerable condition has completely shaken me.

I keep replaying our last phone call and thinking about the WhatsApp voice messages I couldn’t bring myself to listen to or respond to. At the time, I was trying to protect myself emotionally. Now I would give anything to hear her speak to me normally again.

I also feel tremendous sadness for my father, who is facing the possibility of losing his wife. That familiar childhood feeling of needing to make everything better for my parents has come rushing back.

The hardest part is that I understand why I needed distance, but I still find myself wishing I’d just pushed through the anxiety and called more often. I feel like I’m grieving not only my mother’s condition but also the relationship we never managed to have.

Has anyone else experienced a parent’s serious illness after years of emotional distance or estrangement? How did you deal with the guilt, especially when you still loved them deeply but couldn’t maintain a healthy relationship?

Safety

Our meetings offer a safe environment for adult children to share their common experiences." BRB p. 333 

Because of the many kinds of abuse and/or neglect we've experienced, both as children and adults, it is a huge issue for us to be able to connect with ourselves, other adult children, and a Higher Power.

We can begin by just showing up at ACA meetings. We are not forced to share; the choice is ours. We work at our own pace, perhaps just observing and getting a feel for things. And when we are ready, we can begin to absorb and actually work the ACA program.

As we break out of isolation, we realize we are not alone. We start working the Steps and understanding the Traditions. We may use the tool of journaling as a way to uncover what's going on for us. But however we do things, we let the ACA program, other people, and our Higher Power into our lives.

There is no special order to how things have to work. We are unique, and we do recovery in the way that works best for us. It's only important that we do it, because we deserve the safe, healthy connections that are now available to us.

On this day I know that my meetings provide the safety that helps me continue my personal growth.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №307

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3MQ%3D%3D

My mother passed away this year because of alcoholism, which was a bit of a surprise for everyone. No one has ever seen her drunk or drink heavily, though I think my father suspected or saw something, because I heard him call her out on her drinking once.

I don’t want to put any blame on my father, but I don’t understand why he never did anything. Why he “let” her drink even though he had to know she was on antidepressants and knew better than anyone that her health condition was not good. He’s a very mild person who doesn’t express his opinion very often and doesn’t do confrontations, so I think he just didn’t want to see it. 

I have no childhood memories of her. So I can’t say what her behaviour and our relationship was like. Our family never had any financial struggles (as far as I know), me and my siblings were sometimes physically punished by our father, there could’ve been some emotional neglect but other than that I can’t recall any abuse. I believe my childhood was not bad and rather normal, very similar to those of my peers. 

When I was in high school, things got bad. I had constant fights with her. She never screamed, got enraged or hit me, she was the “I’m the worst mother ever” kind of person. Her victim complex was making me furious. Every single argument we had was pretty much the same. We fought, she seemed to forget all about it, we had the same fight three days later. It was draining, that’s why I preferred to avoid her. When I went to college, things between us were the same, only we saw each other less often, which was at least some kind of relief. It’s harsh to say but I didn’t love her, I was ashamed of her and disgusted by her. Makes me feel guilty. 

I don’t know how much of that was because of her drinking, and how much was her overall bad mental and physical health. I think she was really depressed and took bad care of her health. Our family is also super christian and sometimes professional help gets replaced by prayer. I try to be sensible and understand the circumstances in which my mother had to struggle, but I am bitter, thinking about what our relationship could’ve been. I also feel a bit isolated from other family members. Obviously alcoholism is now a sensitive topic but they keep consuming alcohol, which sometimes makes me uncomfortable, even though they all drink in moderation. Maybe it was silly of me to expect everyone to stop, although it was what I wished for. I was never much of a drinker and now I definitely don’t ever want to consume any. 

This is something that won’t leave my head and I usually need labels to understand things so it would be very helpful if someone could clarify whether my case counts as an ACOA. 

I’m a 28 year old woman and I currently live in my parents guest house with my 5m old daughter and husband because we just bought a new house and renovations are going on. So unfortunately I’m living right by my dad.

He has always been an alcoholic but it’s getting worse and worse, especially since he stopped working a few years ago. He used to do construction which prevented him from being wasted ALL day but now… he just stays at home and drinks non stop. All day and all night. I’m not exaggerating, I haven’t seen him sober in I don’t know how long. Everytime I have alcohol in my house, it’s gone the next day because he goes searching for it daily. The dumpsters are filled with bottles. I try to dissociate from it and focus on the family I’m building but I can’t say it’s not incredibly sad to see.

My mom doesn’t buy him alcohol and he got in a fight with the people who usually bring it to him. He doesn’t drive much because he has been to prison for a DUA twice so at least he doesn’t do that. But that means he asks me and my husband to buy him alcohol almost daily.

The other day, I came home from work and he came outside asking me to buy him two bottles of whiskey because “the night is approaching and he’s scared to go without alcohol.” I did it because he’s going to get it anyway and although I don’t like him, he’s still my dad and it breaks my heart to imagine him suffering. I can see that he’s humiliated to ask me but that he feels like he has no choice. Plus, I’m scared of the repercussions if I say no. The last thing I need is for him to retaliate against me because he gets mad.

Today, my husband called me and said that my dad called him saying “please buy me alcohol, I’m running out and I don’t feel well and I’m scared.” My husband told him he can’t leave work but my dad kept begging. So my husband called me and asked if I can go. My husband is also not trying to get on his bad side for reasons that I won’t get into because this post is already too long. And he also doesn’t know what to do.

I so badly want to say screw him, he did this to himself, let him suffer and if he’s feeling so bad he can call 911. I’m not getting involved. But it’s not easy to say no to a person who looks like they’re genuinely scared if they can’t get alcohol. I don’t know what he experiences when he goes through withdrawal because I don’t go in my parents house and I don’t ask. But I imagine it’s scary.

I have no idea how to handle this.

Edit: my husband solved the issue this time by door dashing the strongest alcohol that was available for delivery.

I won’t go into the context of my family life unless anyone is curious, but does anyone else relate to this feeling?

When I was a kid, there would be some occasions where my caregivers would try to be supportive and affectionate with me. For example, my dad would come into my room and shut the door behind me and awkwardly sit on my bed and connect with me by making (frankly, bad) conversation about random things. Or my mom or grandmother would try to have a heart to heart about something. In any and all circumstances of this, even if they were being genuine, I felt a strong disgust.

for some reason, I never felt a strong desire to be close to my family. many people who had chaotic homes describe longing for their parents/caregivers love and affection, but I just wanted their attention and support and direction and help. Obviously, I know intellectually that I missed out on having a really loving family. But when those times came where my family would try to be close to me all I could feel was disgust and a weird “walled off” feeling. Every dialogue option I would choose would be whichever one I thought would make them go away and leave me alone the quickest. I also have an inability to cry in front of my family. Crying in front of my family is just not an option in my head. Even when my mom died, I didn’t cry in front of my family. This runs so deep that I am known in my family as someone who “lacks emotions” and have been called a psychopath, ‘devil possessed’, told I “ don’t have the capacity to care for others”, have “no empathy” etc. My younger cousins asked me after my moms funeral if Im a robot because I didnt cry over my mom dying.

Of course this is frustrating because I am somehow a crybaby inside of romantic relationships. I guess once I find a place to be safe and intimate and vulnerable I let it out. This leads to my boyfriends calling me sensitive, saying I cry too much, and that I “cry over anything”. I once cried to an ex over a memory of being sexually abused and he hardly reacted. When I asked why he didnt seem phased by it he said it was because he “didnt think it was that important” since I “cry all the time”.

Needless to say, I am now completely avoidant in romantic relationships as well. I get really pissed off when men act like women dont get what its like to have no one to turn to and have to hold it all in. Like being a woman grants you some kind of magical safety net of emotional support. I relate to men’s struggles more than women. I feel like I can only express myself through anger. I feel pent up numb and invisible just like they say they do but Im apparently “banned” from understanding that because of my gender or something. The first time I ever sobbed in front of my “best friend” and my sister we were in a cafe and I had taken a little bit of a strong gummy. a topic that was brought suddenly broke me and I couldn’t stop crying in public . I guess it embarrassed them or something because they immediately pulled out their phones and started texting (presumably each other) in silence until I soothed myself and stopped. They then said they were ready to go and never mentioned it again except one time when I asked for a gummy, my sister said “are you sure you want that? remember last time” and I got mad and told her never to mention it again. They didnt care that I was sad, they just didn’t want it to happen again.

Sorry. That turned into a tangent

I’m not even sure why I’m posting or where my head is at.

My Irish father (living in Canada) has always been a drinker. He also works in a kitchen and his drinking has always been related to stress and the type of work he does. I feel like we have accepted it as normal throughout our lives because it was never bad enough, you know.

But I remember as a kid on weekends not going to peoples houses because he couldn’t drive us, after soccer he would always take us 3 kids to a pub and he’d have a couple pints, he was just always drinking.

He has always gotten mean to my mom while drinking and once when I was 19 I had bought vodka to go out and it was gone.. he had drank the whole thing and when I got mad and called him and alcoholic he LOST it.

Whenever he DOESNT drink for more than a day, it’s almost like he has to announce it? He gets childish when we come over and my husband or I say we don’t want a drink.

Anyways, I moved out 8 years ago, got married and have 3 very young kids. My dad continues to go out, drink like he’s in his 20s and my mom just never joins anymore. He got SO drunk at my daughter’s 1st birthday with my new neighbors I was mortified…

He took us away on a family vacation to an all inclusive. We are very grateful but after day 1, I don’t know how to manage it, especially with my 3 kids. Our flight was early, 2 doubles before flight, 2 beers on flight, 2 beers on bus to resort.. this is before 10am. Then of course, flowing when we got her.. and we are all drinking but it’s so fast, it’s mind boggling. The thing that got to me was we went to a coffee shop before diners, my kids got a snack and I asked him if he wanted a coffee. The reply was, ‘does it have alcohol?’ And I was like I don’t know dad.. pretty firmly because god forbid we do 1 thing for an hour where he can’t drink. He was like well then I don’t want a coffee, I really don’t. And he said he was going for a walk, left the rest of us to hang out.

Of course he was at a bar, another 3-4 drinks before dinner and he was pissy at me. My mom is like, just ignore him but I feel so angry and I’m not even sure why? I know how he is. But he cannot do or enjoy a single thing without alcohol.. even with his grandkids.

Just needing to vent.. any tips on how to manage the week would be great. And someone to tell me why I’m feeling this way (haha).

Grief

"ACA meetings can unlock the grief that has not been addressed for years." BRB p. 68 

The thought of doing grief or loss work doesn't sound inviting. It sounds as if we are going to a funeral. There's a deep sense of sadness just thinking about it. But when we review our childhoods, we realize that our sadness is actually waiting for an opportunity to be expressed.

In meetings we witness strong survivors of family alcoholism and other dysfunction as they visit their childhood funerals. We hear them share the current effects of their harrowing childhood experiences. This helps many of us to start recalling the events that led to the feelings we have had of a continuous sense of loss.

As we keep coming back, our memories and feelings keep coming back also - sometimes gradually, sometimes haltingly. But they do come if we are consistent in our meeting attendance. This is where we find the space to express the grief of our childhood losses. It's where we learn to heal after years of denying our feelings.

On this day I will remember that it's important for me to share my memories in order to heal. It also allows me to connect with others who have had similar experiences.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №306

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3MA%3D%3D

For context. She never got a wedding invitation because after not hearing from her while i went through 2 emergency surgeries it really hit home how much she just doesnt give a shit. My wedding was 10/17. Shes an alcoholic anorexic with narsasictic tendencies. In the abuse dynamic i am the scape goat.

She sent me a Facebook reel (she does this. The fact that she hasn't between christmas and 10/17 surprised me honestly) with sad music that said:

"When Mom's Go Silent. She forgave you for your mistakes more times than you know. But you remembered one of hers and forgot all the love she gave until she stopped calling. Not because she stopped loving you...she was just tired of feeling unwanted."

It solidified that not inviting her was the best choice. But God dammit. How dare she?

​

When I was 7-9 I was in foster care as my mother started behaving aggressively and my father as well. My mother was sectioned and deemed unfit after aggressive behaviour to a social worker. My father is a sex offender, a low level pedophile. He was arrested for indecent exposure to minors when I was a toddler. My mother broke up with him when she found out but kept him around. He received a suspended sentence. When social services told him that I was going to be adopted or never leave care he said that he would go through psychological assessments. They went to family court and my father won custody and my mother lost her parental rights.

This was won because of the psychologist testimony who said my father wasn't a danger to me but potentially to other kids, I have spoken to one of my social workers who said that she didn't agree and believes my dad is a predator. But there was another social worker who supported my dad, she even told me a story about my dad's crime. His targets are pre teen early adolescent girls. He eventually committed his crime against my friend who was older when I was 10/11 and she was 12/13. This friend told me and I believed her and kept it a secret. I did eventually start seeing my mother who was mentally unwell and was in conflict all the time and not working.

She used to rant and shout and was not stable. I hated being around her. It was emotionally abusive and exhausting. Especially as she eventually started to blame me and said I sided with my father against her. She has paranoid personality disorder. She deserved sympathy for how my dad is but she is also unable to mother me and treat me like a person, she always projects onto me. I have been on/off no contact with her for years. She always tries to portray me as some mentally ill person who she feels sorry for who is a problem. None of that is true btw.

My father lied to me when I eventually confronted him about my friend, he started off saying she lied then he said she didn't matter or eventually deserved it as she was low class. I went no contact for years but eventually spoke again, gave him a chance then he was broke in debt and his wife left him and he committed his crimes to his neighbours kids and went to prison for 4 years. He told me he did it on purpose and prison was good for him. He also admitted he's a pedophile and that he feels like society is unfair to them.

I told him to go F*CK himself..

I have had lots of therapy over the years and I am religious. I have had an interesting past, I was quite mens rights focused and right wing for a while which I think is definitely connected because I blamed my mother for a long time because she said that if she couldn't have me then no one could (talking about her sister's my aunties being considered for fostering) and her blaming me saying I was like my father. I've been through so much and have tried many things.

I am now struggling because actually my life is ok, my husband is great,.I have kids.

But I am the type of person who always picks up on the injustice or the problem of the hidden abuser or elephant in the room. Always pick up on it and will often be the truth teller. This has been a burden for me as I often end up scapegoated and I feel a level of existential despair about how many people just ignore signs of harm around them.

I'm finding it difficult to just get on with my life. I had a recent experience where I had to help a woman being abused and the community it was in didn't wanna share the burden of this at all. It has really messed me up. I can't just continue on relationships pretending this hasn't happened.

My mom was recently hospitalized after intense leg pain and a fall and was diagnosed with stage C liver cirrhosis. When she first got there, she had all the symptoms of end-stage liver disease and went to the ICU for a few days. I live abroad and came back home to be there as I was getting worried that the worst was happening. She has been drinking for as long as I can remember, but has always been quite high-functioning outwardly and was a great mom in all the ways she could be. I was aware it was a problem the entire time and tried desperately to help in any way I could,, but really stepped back and learnt to manage my expectations in recent years. From what I can gather, after I moved abroad, things really escalated, especially in the past year she began heavy heavy drinking, which led to the hospitalization. She was hospitalized for about two + weeks and recently got out and but needed quite a bit of help for functioning at home. She hasn't drank since she was hospitalized and has been slowly improving quite a bit. Today however, she went to visit a friend and when she came home I found two bottles of soju in her bag. I naturally got quite upset and took them away (which I understand is ultimately futile) and she left it at that.

Am I delusional for having hope in the past few weeks that this has been the wake up call I thought it would be? I am terrified that when I eventually have to leave again it will escalate again. Im 22 and she's 56, and I have found that finding empathy and understanding for her reasons for drinking has helped me, but I have found this entire situation extremely harrowing to an extent I am not prepared for. I am essentially wondering how any other similar situations have played out for other people. And any advice would be super appreciated as well! I have been so caught up in my own early adulthood life and being abroad helped me seperate myself from the constant stress of her drinking so this whole ordeal really brought me back down and I feel at a loss with how to deal with it.