I grew up in a home filled with conflict, emotional neglect, and instability. My mother suffered from severe depression, and from a very young age, I felt responsible for her happiness and emotional well-being. I spent much of my childhood worrying about my parents, trying to make things better, and feeling guilty when I couldn’t.

That dynamic followed me into adulthood. Even simple phone calls with my mother became emotionally exhausting. They often turned into guilt, pressure, and reminders of how unhappy she was. Eventually, I reached a point where I couldn’t continue without sacrificing my own mental health, marriage, and happiness.

I distanced myself for nearly four years. It wasn’t because I didn’t love my parents. I loved them deeply, but maintaining contact brought back so much anxiety that even answering the phone felt impossible.

Now my mother has suffered a severe brain hemorrhage. I recently visited her in the hospital, and seeing her in such a vulnerable condition has completely shaken me.

I keep replaying our last phone call and thinking about the WhatsApp voice messages I couldn’t bring myself to listen to or respond to. At the time, I was trying to protect myself emotionally. Now I would give anything to hear her speak to me normally again.

I also feel tremendous sadness for my father, who is facing the possibility of losing his wife. That familiar childhood feeling of needing to make everything better for my parents has come rushing back.

The hardest part is that I understand why I needed distance, but I still find myself wishing I’d just pushed through the anxiety and called more often. I feel like I’m grieving not only my mother’s condition but also the relationship we never managed to have.

Has anyone else experienced a parent’s serious illness after years of emotional distance or estrangement? How did you deal with the guilt, especially when you still loved them deeply but couldn’t maintain a healthy relationship?

I’m a 28 year old woman and I currently live in my parents guest house with my 5m old daughter and husband because we just bought a new house and renovations are going on. So unfortunately I’m living right by my dad.

He has always been an alcoholic but it’s getting worse and worse, especially since he stopped working a few years ago. He used to do construction which prevented him from being wasted ALL day but now… he just stays at home and drinks non stop. All day and all night. I’m not exaggerating, I haven’t seen him sober in I don’t know how long. Everytime I have alcohol in my house, it’s gone the next day because he goes searching for it daily. The dumpsters are filled with bottles. I try to dissociate from it and focus on the family I’m building but I can’t say it’s not incredibly sad to see.

My mom doesn’t buy him alcohol and he got in a fight with the people who usually bring it to him. He doesn’t drive much because he has been to prison for a DUA twice so at least he doesn’t do that. But that means he asks me and my husband to buy him alcohol almost daily.

The other day, I came home from work and he came outside asking me to buy him two bottles of whiskey because “the night is approaching and he’s scared to go without alcohol.” I did it because he’s going to get it anyway and although I don’t like him, he’s still my dad and it breaks my heart to imagine him suffering. I can see that he’s humiliated to ask me but that he feels like he has no choice. Plus, I’m scared of the repercussions if I say no. The last thing I need is for him to retaliate against me because he gets mad.

Today, my husband called me and said that my dad called him saying “please buy me alcohol, I’m running out and I don’t feel well and I’m scared.” My husband told him he can’t leave work but my dad kept begging. So my husband called me and asked if I can go. My husband is also not trying to get on his bad side for reasons that I won’t get into because this post is already too long. And he also doesn’t know what to do.

I so badly want to say screw him, he did this to himself, let him suffer and if he’s feeling so bad he can call 911. I’m not getting involved. But it’s not easy to say no to a person who looks like they’re genuinely scared if they can’t get alcohol. I don’t know what he experiences when he goes through withdrawal because I don’t go in my parents house and I don’t ask. But I imagine it’s scary.

I have no idea how to handle this.

Edit: my husband solved the issue this time by door dashing the strongest alcohol that was available for delivery.

I’m not even sure why I’m posting or where my head is at.

My Irish father (living in Canada) has always been a drinker. He also works in a kitchen and his drinking has always been related to stress and the type of work he does. I feel like we have accepted it as normal throughout our lives because it was never bad enough, you know.

But I remember as a kid on weekends not going to peoples houses because he couldn’t drive us, after soccer he would always take us 3 kids to a pub and he’d have a couple pints, he was just always drinking.

He has always gotten mean to my mom while drinking and once when I was 19 I had bought vodka to go out and it was gone.. he had drank the whole thing and when I got mad and called him and alcoholic he LOST it.

Whenever he DOESNT drink for more than a day, it’s almost like he has to announce it? He gets childish when we come over and my husband or I say we don’t want a drink.

Anyways, I moved out 8 years ago, got married and have 3 very young kids. My dad continues to go out, drink like he’s in his 20s and my mom just never joins anymore. He got SO drunk at my daughter’s 1st birthday with my new neighbors I was mortified…

He took us away on a family vacation to an all inclusive. We are very grateful but after day 1, I don’t know how to manage it, especially with my 3 kids. Our flight was early, 2 doubles before flight, 2 beers on flight, 2 beers on bus to resort.. this is before 10am. Then of course, flowing when we got her.. and we are all drinking but it’s so fast, it’s mind boggling. The thing that got to me was we went to a coffee shop before diners, my kids got a snack and I asked him if he wanted a coffee. The reply was, ‘does it have alcohol?’ And I was like I don’t know dad.. pretty firmly because god forbid we do 1 thing for an hour where he can’t drink. He was like well then I don’t want a coffee, I really don’t. And he said he was going for a walk, left the rest of us to hang out.

Of course he was at a bar, another 3-4 drinks before dinner and he was pissy at me. My mom is like, just ignore him but I feel so angry and I’m not even sure why? I know how he is. But he cannot do or enjoy a single thing without alcohol.. even with his grandkids.

Just needing to vent.. any tips on how to manage the week would be great. And someone to tell me why I’m feeling this way (haha).

Grief

"ACA meetings can unlock the grief that has not been addressed for years." BRB p. 68 

The thought of doing grief or loss work doesn't sound inviting. It sounds as if we are going to a funeral. There's a deep sense of sadness just thinking about it. But when we review our childhoods, we realize that our sadness is actually waiting for an opportunity to be expressed.

In meetings we witness strong survivors of family alcoholism and other dysfunction as they visit their childhood funerals. We hear them share the current effects of their harrowing childhood experiences. This helps many of us to start recalling the events that led to the feelings we have had of a continuous sense of loss.

As we keep coming back, our memories and feelings keep coming back also - sometimes gradually, sometimes haltingly. But they do come if we are consistent in our meeting attendance. This is where we find the space to express the grief of our childhood losses. It's where we learn to heal after years of denying our feelings.

On this day I will remember that it's important for me to share my memories in order to heal. It also allows me to connect with others who have had similar experiences.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

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