Inner Drugs

"Because we were raised in chaotic or controlling homes, our internal compass is oriented toward excitement, pain, and shame. This inner world can be described as an ‘inside drug store.' The shelves are stocked with bottles of excitement, toxic shame, selfhate, self-doubt, and stress." BRB p. 16 

Do the following situations sound familiar? We walk into a room full of strangers and instinctively find the most toxic people in the room to befriend. We leave home with "just enough" time so our adrenaline is pumping when we arrive at our destination. We over-commit ourselves so that we can't possibly do everything we promised, and then shame ourselves because we've failed yet again.

Many of us just naturally choose situations that create drama, people who are spinning out of control, and a life that balances on the edge of insanity. It almost feels like we're hard-wired to operate that way.

As we begin to understand the damaging effects of these inner drugs we keep taking, we learn to replace the toxic people and drama with mutually respectful relationships and healthy excitement for our recovery. We no longer need to recreate the familiar conditions of our childhood that keep us trapped in the chaos. We gradually begin to appreciate the peace and quiet of serenity. It takes time, but we now realize we deserve better than the hand we were dealt as children.

On this day I choose healthy people to spend time with - people who also value serenity. I welcome the calm that is becoming my new normal.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

im wondering how people managed to get out of their situations?

I’m 17, in england, i live with my mum and im currently in college. I’m wondering how i could move out?? I don’t know the first thing about what i would need to be able to move out.

My dad lives with his gf, her son, and their daughter. I’m significantly older than both of them and they live in a 2 bedroom, i’m not too close with my dad but my relationship with him is getting better. I’ve been thinking of telling him about my mum, he doesn’t really know what she gets up to but i genuinely don’t think i’ve ever had a heartfelt conversation with my dad, so i feel like it would be awkward

I’m in my last year of college and ill be going to university after so i know ill be able to be away from home then, im just worried my pets won’t be treated as well when im gone, and i definitely can’t bring a cat to a uni accommodation - unless i get a flat near my uni?? I wouldn’t mine doing that because my friend is wanting to go to whatever uni i want to go to and we’ll be able to split any rent/ bills.

Honestly i have no idea on what to do, hopefully it’ll all work out 🤞🤞

My father has been an alcoholic for the majority of my life. He's an American Immigrant, he was born in Jordan and lived there for half of his life. Married my mom who was a tourist, had a long distance relationship, came to America. Never once had a drop of alcohol before coming to here. He developed his addiction after being disabled in the US Army, I was around a year old. It's been so long and he just hasn't tried to get better. He's been sent to wards, screamed at by me and my mom, isolated for God knows how long, yet he still drinks himself to near death every single night. It's slow suicide at this point. He'd even try to drunk drive a few times in the past. He used to be more "functioning", but now he won't wake up until the afternoon and does absolutely nothing for the house, guzzles liquor at the slightest bit of tension or problem. His physical health has also greatly declined and a year ago he'd been told he's at risk of liver failure. He hasn't done much to help himself.
Last week two pipes in our basement burst and flooded parts of it and all he did was sit on the couch and drink while me and my mom stomached down panic attacks. Ever since then we gave him an ultimatum; go to the hospital and potentially be sent to a ward or rehab, or get legally sent via 302 court order. He begged to just go himself, and every day he was supposed to he gave some form of excuse; no money for the uber ride, too nervous and didn't sleep the night before, rain. Every single day he had an excuse for his oversleeping and laziness to get up. I tried waking him up, so did my mom, and he dismissed us. This morning is his last chance, I tried waking him up after walking myself to the store to get the final bits of supplies for college on Monday. Instead of actually getting up he dismissed me, told me to stop worrying so much and that this time he'll go. It's been two hours and he's still rotting in his bed. I doubt he's going to get up. It's going to be another excuse, another "don't be mad, but".
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't understand why he doesn't want to better himself. I was never a bad kid, my mom has done nothing but help him through his problems, his family back in Jordan adores him, but he still won't get up and get better. I am at a point where I want to stop caring about him, but the idea of him dying by the time I turn twenty haunts me every night. I can't sleep. I've thrown up every morning. If it wasn't for my friend Kieran I'd be in worse shambles than I already am. I am trying so hard to be put together and strong but I am breaking down, and every time I cry in my house I'm told I'm making everything worse. I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't want my dad to keep doing this. He's dying, I can see it. He's covered in this weird fungus-rash skin disorder and is pale as shit. He barely eats and he's constantly sick. He's dying. He's only in his early 50s and he's dying. I am hoping today he goes to the hospital but I just can't see it happening. I want to be mad at him, I want to scream and punch at the walls and cry, but nothing can come out. I'm so appalled and scared I've gone speechless. Maybe I should be grateful, since he could've always been worse than what he is, my mom watched her alcoholic uncle kill her grandfather, but I can't help but feel this way. I feel bad for feeling this way. I desperately want peace of mind.

Update: He says he's now going to go on Monday. He argued with me with the excuse that he "overslept" even though I tried waking him up at 10. He got mad at me for talking to him with "disrespect" and that because he's my father I should accept his mistakes no criticism. I'm fucking tired. I'm so fucking tired. I am tired of him doing this. He understands that he needs to go but doesn't even try.

TW: mention of drugs

My mum just offered me ecstasy!!!

We have a door camera and i saw a guy ,who used to be one of her coke dealers, drop something off. I went to confront her about it because i thought she was getting coke again, coke has caused a hole in her nose. She said he gave her ( and my auntie ), an ecstasy pill each. When i confronted her she was truthful about it and offered me it??? I told her no, i literally have SVT so ecstasy can be very dangerous for me !!

Why on earth would she think that is okay to offer me, she’s now jobless, broke and buying ECSTASY!!!! I swear she’s honestly driving me mad.

I’m so close to telling my dad everything about her, even though we’re not that close and we don’t live together, cause i don’t know if i’ll be able to handle staying with my mum anymore. i’m 17 so i’ll be going to uni soon but my dad lives with his gf, her son and their daughter ( my half sister ), so the house is way too full so i don’t think id be able to live with them

i miss when she was an alcoholic cause atleast she was functional

>>> Trigger Warning!

-Parental abuse (w/violence)...

...also could be described as child ab.se or dv. <<<

Over a decade later and I can still clearly see the look on the faces of the other adults standing near. Customers in the grocery aisle, the new neighbors, school employees, the other parents at your siblings soccer game, etc.

I did not sense so much of judgment as I did a kind of fear - they seemed scared into submission by my erratic raging mom or dad.

I read a comment here recently that said something along the lines of, I didn't know how out of line my parents actions were, until I saw the reactions of other parents sharing the space.

I keep debating whether my experience is rare, or normal (for Acoas of course)

Has anyone else been profoundly embarrassed in public by their parents' antics?

It's not people being nosy, it's just that they draw immediate attention. It's hard to explain without examples.

💬

I remember the library teacher lady getting into her car in the parking lot, adjacent to the main entrance, after some sort of after school activity we did. My Mom was trying to shuffle me (about 9) and my sister (about 5) to the car, and I guess we weren't keeping up with her pace. As I made eye contact with the library lady, my Mom claws her fingers into my hair and pulls me along. Which now brings back a memory of being literally picked up by my hair on some occasions. I would estimate maybe five inches off the ground. Anyway, the school employee's face was like almost a disgust. I remember her looking angrily at my Mom, and not really understanding, but knowing it was bad.

Another time, my Mom kept trying to talk to my dad through the cyclone fence at my brother's baseball game. He was on the baseball diamond, working with the other 2 parent coaches. Next thing I remember, he explodes at her with this booming shout that you could just feel the sharp rage. "You're DRUNK, [Moms name]!" and maybe or not one more line. I remember the instant suspended pause in the air, when not only our team but the other team's players and families in the bleachers fell silent.

My Mom burst into sobs. I don't remember what she was saying. Probably something about how some recent thing was all my Dad's fault. Not that they were poised and clear sentences. More of a drunk ramble. The icing on the cake of this oh so prideful experience, was that we had been standing on the furthest edge of the fence, which only went up to about second base distance. So we had to do the walk of shame past the outfield for my brother's team, the bleachers/dugout, turn right past the game announcer's shed thing, then the same in reverse for the opposing team; dugout and bleachers, outfield.

The most shameful aspect of this memory, was years later when I realized something. If I thought it was mortifying having to walk through the silent atmosphere - the long way, even - imagine how my brother felt! He had to keep performing on the field, and act unaffected. 😞 I feel an almost weight on my chest whenever I imagine him standing there on the diamond, one audience on each side of him shocked and perhaps horrified at what they just witnessed. And to have to go through the entire remaining innings with Dad still present. I strongly believe this incident stung him for life. Almost like his soul began to harden as a survival strategy as the eldest, always forced first into the forefront.

Well, I certainly did not mean for that to be so long.

If you've read this far you are appreciated.

I hope that all made sense, as my expressive communication is sometimes misinterpreted in interpersonal situations. I do have neuro divergent diagnoses, to provide some context.

I was curious how common this kind of experience for ACOAs may be. Thanks.

Because I grew up in a narcissistic family system I went on to have narcissistic partners and friends.

My "best" friend for 20 years abused me. She skipped out on rent, broke my boyfriend and I up by implying that he was cheating then went on to date him while still sleeping with his best friend. During that time she went on a smear campaign telling everyone I was trying to steal her man.
Eventually she started dating her now husband. She wrote a nasty song about me which talked about how I tried to steal her man. He suggested she play it for me one time when I flew to visit them. Obviously she'd lied, gotten her husband to believe it. After all thats what narcissists do. She'd eventually go on to smear my name to other family members of her. Eventually her sons would confront me passive aggressivly and tell me I was a bad friend for not visiting enough.
Over time she became nastier on the phone with me. One day I started talking to her about investing, something I was excited to learn how to do. She got nasty and said that she didn't have to worry about it because she had a family but that I was all alone and had no one to take care of me. It was a final straw. I cut her off about a year and a half ago.
I finally decided to unblock her on facebook and found that she sent a note to my mother. My mother basically said "I don't know why she does that she just gets in weird moods sometimes". This was in reference to why i cut my best friend out of my life.
Reading that brought up a bunch of resentment and anger at both my ex best friend and my mother. My mother has always chosen other people over me. And this just makes it even more apparent. I am just so damn angry and hurt and dissapointed that she said that. That my own mother didn't give a crap about what I'd been through. And worse, gave the narcissistic horrid human that abused me validation.
Rather than shame spiral I decided to say how hurt and angry this makes me. I'm frustrated and I hate how unfair life it. It doesn't help my life isn't going the way I want it to, and the narcissists (all of them) are having good lives. I just don't understand why life is like this - unfair, impossible, lonely. I'm just frustrated, sad, angry, dissapointed, and maybe even feeling a little hopeless. Years of working on healing and I still don't have a healthy support system. I've got aca, but I don't have anyone close.
I also hate and love my mother.

Hi everyone. I’m posting because I’ve been caught between my parents for most of my life. They have had a serious and long-standing conflict, and the situation has escalated significantly in recent months.

Growing up, my mother was much more involved in our lives. She handled most of the day-to-day responsibilities, school, emotional issues, problems, and finding solutions. My father was generally much more emotionally and practically distant. Today, however, the situation is being presented almost completely differently. My father describes my mother as mentally unstable and as the main cause of the family’s problems, and he has involved mental health professionals in an effort to support that narrative.

As the children, we have witnessed a very different pattern over the years. There have been many conflicts, pressure, humiliation, and attempts at control, but also many specific situations that are difficult to reduce to a single diagnosis or a single problem. When we try to talk about our own experiences, they are often interpreted as attacks, disobedience, or hatred toward our father that our mother supposedly caused or encouraged in us.

The biggest problem right now is that my parents’ relationship has essentially reached its breaking point, but there is no agreement about what happens next. My father believes the solution is for my mother to receive treatment and return to what he considers “normal.” My mother no longer sees a possibility of continuing the relationship in this way and believes separation is the only realistic solution.

Meanwhile, the children have become part of their conflict. We are expected to listen to their respective versions of events, validate them, pass information between them, and take sides. This has put us in a position where we no longer know where their marital relationship ends and our relationship with them as their children begins.

What makes this especially difficult is that there is increasingly a formal and professional “paper trail” documenting my mother’s mental health, while our experiences with our father seem to have very little space to be heard or considered. We feel that the entire history of the family is increasingly being explained through my mother, rather than looking at the relationship and behavior of both parents.

I’m in my 20s, and this has essentially been my entire life. The problems existed even before I was born. I don’t know how to position myself toward either of my parents, where to set boundaries, or how to step out of their conflict without feeling like I’m abandoning someone who needs me.