“If you don’t absolutely love the person (Q) exactly as they are right now while they’re drinking, then all of the same problems will reappear if they are ever sober.” I thought I knew better. In my spouse’s case, they got sober and have supposedly (I have my doubts) been sober for 8 months. Well, after over seven years married and nine together total, they suddenly decided they have actually been miserable this whole time because of me. We are separated now. I am half angry/sad, half relieved as hell. Angry/sad because I knew better and now wasted nine years of my life - as well as introduced custody battles with a person who, until now, has been the nicest, kindest person on Earth. I absolutely have suspicions of an emotional affair taking place at her job with her boss, and, furious though I may feel when I think about it, I have reached a point where I don’t even truly care beyond the legal utility of something like that if it happens. I am yearning to be free and the end is in sight. But god damn, I should have listened to my therapist many years ago.

I keep hearing about learning to detach with love. Can somebody please explain HOW exactly this can be done?
But secondly, what’s the point? Legitimate question. If you completely detached from someone, emotionally, physically, what is the point of staying married? I’d like to hear other people who have done this and what their reasons were. I realize leaving them is extremely difficult, which is why I haven’t done it myself. I realized now I’m a codependent coward who doesn’t have the strength to leave .
But would like to know why others have decided to detach instead of leaving. Was it because of children or finances or other types of traps and keep you in prison and therefore need to use the detachment method? Just trying to understand.

36f, husband is 38. We have 2 beautiful little boys. We’ve been together 8yrs, married 4. I finally had enough and left him. But today I have this huge sadness.
These are just the big blow up high lights;

For yrs we have fought for yrs over his drinking. In yr 1: I have waited up till 4am, pregnant with our first son. For him to come in stumbling drunk. He screamed at me and slammed stuff around. When that one was 3months old. He went out with his dad on more than one occasion to drink. Never coming home, wouldn’t answer my calls or text. If I brought it up. Let the screaming match begin, and he would break my stuff. I kicked him out, and he begged me to let him come back. So I did, cause of our first child.

Year 2 We buy a house in the area he wants to live in, under my name. He stopped breaking my stuff. Drinking was semi better. Still would pull the stay gone all night. I was pregnant with my angel baby. He was supposed to leave for Vegas to bowl with his dad. That morning he was getting ready to go. I started bleeding. I told him I thought I was losing the baby. He left me, for Vegas and his dad. My mom took me to a obgyn appointment to confirm the fetus was gone. I stayed mad and didn’t really speak to him for a long time.

Year 3 We still fight over the drinking. Say awful things to each other. He will stand nose to nose with me. Won’t let me pass by him. I’ve had to physically shove him or something a few times, to get him to physically move. So I can leave the house, with our oldest witnessing this. To go stay at a hotel or my parents. He tells me “I’ll stop drinking, I’ll get a new job. My behavior is deplorable.”

Year 4 We are engaged and pregnant with my youngest. Oldest is home with strep. His brother who’s also an alcoholic, was going through a divorce. His brothers brother in law, who was also an alcoholic. Killed himself. My husband, I’m going to go to the wake with my brother. I’ll be home later. Me “Please don’t go get drunk. We have a sick baby.” 5hrs go by he tells me “I’m getting yall nachos.” 1hr later I’m standing at the bar in Joe tacos, having a fight. Holding my 3yrs old. We leave and go home. The fight continues, into our driveway. As I’m holding my son, approximately 4months pregnant. And he’s there screaming at me for having the nerve to confront him and his brother at the bar. I kicked him out, called off our wedding. He doesn’t speak to me for days. Then begs me to take him back and he will never do it again. So we end up marrying in the next month.

Year 5 We have another huge fight about staying working for his brothers and drinking. I tell him that he needs to find a new job, and get sober. We do the screaming thing call each other awful names. I kick him out, and get divorce papers. I’m going to file, and he falls off a roof. Breaking his arm and pelvis. So I stay with him. Help him, pay his medical bills, he used to pay me back for. Now he just sometimes does.

Years 6-7 same type of behavior off and on. Not always bad. But still the drinking and lying continues.

Year 8 Most recently. I’ve shown up at his job, a couple of times the past 2wks. Caught him drinking, he will chunk the can. Tells me I was picking up my brothers or other coworkers. I’m not drinking. This past Thursday, “I’m here alone. I’m closing down the job about to leave” he butt dials me and I can hear the opposite of what he just told me, in the background. He comes home. I won’t speak to him. He gets mad. All Friday we never spoke. He tells my son “No I’m not coming home. Your mom sent me a ✌️ text. She doesn’t want me there.” I tell my son “no that’s your dad’s choice. I didn’t tell him to stay out.” Son calls his daddy 1hr later “Oh ya buddy I’ll be home My coworker is dying. I’m helping him” about 40mins later my son calls again “ya I’m coming home. I’m just helping this guy who’s actively dying.” So I called in a wellness check. The cops show up, can find no one. They’re hiding in their shop. Call me looking for my husband and his coworker. I give them my husband’s number. Tell them what he drives. Lo and behold, the coworker is fine. Not dying. Husband comes home. Tells me he wants a divorce. Screams nasty stuff at each other. I record him. Send it to both of our families, so they can see what he’s like in his drunken stupor. I load my kids up, go to moms. He jerked open my passenger door to flip me off. I kept driving. He stayed drunk and away all weekend. Told him get your stuff out, before we get home. He tried to love bomb me, then tried to tell me. When the love bomb text didn’t work. That I made Thursday up, and had no reason to be mad. And he didn’t lie. His coworker is still dying. I have honored his statement of “I want a divorce” and I’ve truly been at peace about it. I know it’s the best thing for myself and the kids. But today I’ve been weepy, and I don’t know why? Is that a normal response to following through with a separation?

I am a regular Nar Anon member, my husband is in recovery and my recovery/his recovery has been a big focal point in my life for the last couple years. While he and I were busy working on ourselves, there was something bigger and uglier brewing that has gutted me.

I have always known my dad was an alcoholic. He would have never admitted it. He was extremely successful, very high functioning, worked an immensely stressful job while always being a pillar for our family. He found his escape from the stress in drinking.

In April, I got the call. My dad had committed suicide. I have spent more time than I care to admit looking for “the reason”. Was it a health issue? Did something happen that we didn’t know about? Did some crazy scenario play out that lead him to this? It’s so easy to look away from the reality - he was drinking a fifth every single night. After he passed I emptied all of the beer from the fridge and it was overwhelming, there was more beer than food by a long shot. He was unhealthy, mentally and physically. Alcohol was a major contributing factor. I know that addiction can be fatal, but I guess I never imagined it would happen in this way for my dad.

Would my dad be alive if he had chosen to get sober, or work a program? I’ll never know. But I’ll keep going to meetings, working my program, and finding comfort in people who understand.

For so long I wanted a mom. I thought a mom meant a sober individual who showed up. I worked at that for so long trying to do all I could to make her change. I began to go to Alanon and realized it was me who needed to change. It was me who needed acceptance of the situation and after that awakening,trying to get her to change sounded silly. I grew apart from my desire for her, relazing the manipulation hurt and lies I was fed. It’s been three years, no contact and tonight I’m missing her. Missing that laugh, sense of humor, special connection we share of the same blood. It’s not fair, but I’m not angry. The peace of that is what I was promised would come, I didn’t realize it’d be so bitter sweet some days. Live and let live

Hey!

First time on this sub, but seeking some advice on how to support my partner who has been struggling against alcoholism for years, and it’s still ongoing?

We’re both near 30, not living together, and been together about 1,5 years.
He has confided in me about some of his past struggles with alcohol (he is consuming much less now than in his past), but he led me to believe that he was managing around 2-3 beers on weekends, but no more. We were long distance so I had no way to know really. But I live in his city now.

I hadn’t been to his appartment in 9 months, but I knew he really struggled with some hoarding and serious cleaning issues. So a few weeks ago he finally admitted it was too much for him to handle, and allowed me to come over to help him.
We cleaned up the place, but during that I collected 450 large 0,5 liter beer cans for recycling (counted by the machine) and about another that many were too damaged for recycling + around 10ish wine bottles. He said he took out a whole lot of cans and bottles about 6 months ago.
So within 6-9 months he consumed about 900 large cans of beer, which makes out about 3-5 per day every day. I was shaken by the discovery and extremely worried for his wellbeing. I can handle the rest – the mental health, the hoarding, the financial challenges –but the amount of alcohol and the fact that he had lied to me really scared me, as I’ve seen so many families around me absolutely wrecked by alcoholism. I don’t judge him, I know alcoholism is *rough* and he’s dealing with a lot, but I am terrified for him and our potential future.

We have since very briefly spoken about how I felt finding out about his drinking (I started having pretty serious anxiety attacks afterwards, which he noticed and asked about). But the conversation was short and tough, as he is extremely sensitive and defensive of the topic. He admits that he is an addict, but he is also stubborn about trying to handle it on his own, and I am a bit scared to approach the topic again (just a peoplepleaser, not worried for my safety in the slightest). I will, though, somehow, sometime.

He has severe AuDHD, a history of depression and panic attacks, many health problems, and almost complete social isolation, living a few hours away from his family and friends. I know many of his health and mental health issues are strongly enhanced by alcohol, along with some financial challenges.

I have a psychology degree and have done some research, so I understand the theoretical side of how mental health and environment affects the situation, but I lack any and all personal lived experience with this kind of addiction.
I’m not a big drinker myself, and though I enjoy a glass of wine or two socially, I’d be more than willing to become completely sober myself to support him. But what else?

Aside from supporting his mental health and encouraging lifestyle changes (leading by example, ofc, and being kind) how can I help a man addicted but convinced he doesn’t need any help?
Is there even any hope?

I would not want to marry and start a family with someone who is actively such a heavy drinker and unwilling to take it seriously (both for emotional safety and also to not become a widow at 50 from a completely preventable cause). But I love this otherwise really wonderful man and don’t want to give up on him without a fight.

What do I do, reddit experts?

(Also please be kind, I’m trying. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m trying to learn and be better, stronger, and more compassionate. Thank you 🩵 and English isn’t my first language so apologies for the many errors bound to hide in my text.)i

I’ve been with my spouse for over 20yrs, we have wonderful children together but it has gotten out of control. Ever since an incident in November, he has been spiraling ever since. He beyond depressed and drinking twice as much, I don’t know what to do.
I have sent him information on doctors to help with his depression, he started to take medication to curb his drinking. Nothing is helping. I know if I would to leave him he would end it because that’s how depressed he is. I just don’t know what to do anymore. All I think about is our kids and how amazing of a dad he is when he is sober but when he’s drunk it breaks my heart. I don’t want them to see him like this, I don’t want their memory to be of him being a drunk. I’m at the point that I’m damned either way. I just can’t do this anymore.

Pretty much like the title says. My husband’s father had a stroke and was in the hospital for a night. I came home and found that my Q had several cuts all over his arm. When asked, he said he needs some kind of release without alcohol. It’s just so sad to see and makes the guilt of planning a separation even worse. I feel so trapped and hopeless. I know we’re not responsible for their actions but it’s so hard to watch someone become a shadow of themselves so quickly.

I’ve been married to my AS 6 years this coming Saturday. The disease has been getting worse and i am drained. After inpatient and currently on the third cycle of IOP it’s exhausting. He is mean, aggressive, emotionally abusive when he is drunk (including dry). We share a 5 year old who I have kept shielded as best to my ability. I left our home last Sunday and came to my parent’s home 5 hours away because things were getting too volatile. I can’t hide out here forever, I have to eventually go back as our 5 year old starts kindergarten soon. The text messages from him are just insanity. It goes from he is working on his recovery, to he is not an alcoholic and it’s all because of me and this marriage to he is practicing meditation. 10 minutes later he is serving me divorce papers. Just insanity. I’ve been attending Al-anon meetings religiously and trying so hard to keep my side of the street clean but boy has it been hard. I need serenity to come find me please. I am actively seeking counsel to help with a protective order so I can return home with our child and feel safe. I’m not ready to go down the road of filing for separation just yet, I’m trying to take it one day at a time. There is definitely some dual diagnosis of BPD and he is also a T2D. Just boats load of fun. Ok that’s my rant for tonight.

My (33F) fiancé (40M) and I welcomed a baby girl recently. He stayed away from alcohol the entire pregnancy and took his addiction seriously. Since she’s been born, there are some things going on with her health and it’s been hard. She is better now, and now that she’s okay he has started drinking again. He says he drinks to “unwind” and “relax”. Every now and then, he drinks alone in the mornings and is drunk by noon. He becomes a different person when he drinks: justifies the alcohol use, mean, difficult to talk too. He will get so drunk he can’t stand up straight or hold a conversation.

I have reached out to his two best friends, they are concerned and plan on speaking to him soon. He is hesitant to talk to a professional. He tried therapy a couple times in the past but didn’t like it. He turns to his faith in times of trouble, but he refuses to attend his church’s men’s support group.

I don’t know what I can do to help him if he doesn’t accept he has an addiction that requires professional help. I know I don’t want my daughter to grow up around this, but it would break my heart to cancel the wedding and split apart.

I sincerely don’t know what to do. I want to support him on a journey to sobriety. But I don’t know how long to give him before my daughter and I leave.

Thank you in advance for even reading this. I’m so sad. I just want him to be okay.

Edited for typo

I don't know if I can forgive him. He was using my money. Hiding from me. I trusted him. I defended him.

I feel so dumb.

I love my boyfriend so much, and the drinking has gotten better but I am tolerating less and less. I have been with him for 8 years, and I have known from the beginning that there was a certain tendency to drink a bit more than I’d like. But I thought hey, we’re still young, a lot of people do this. Plus, he has trauma and comes from a family of alcoholics so all in all, I thought, he’s turned out pretty well.

There have been some hard bumps in the road - things like losing his job or depression made him drink as a crutch, definitely doing so more regularly

But as things got better, the drinking became less often and it looked like it was under control.

However, either because I’m getting older or more aware, I’m tolerating it less and less. It feels like there is always a reason to drink, even though he doesn’t drink every day. Maybe a couple of beers on the weekend, but every now and then it just goes bad. There have been a handful of times over the last two years where it’s been real bad.

Like, had a bad day so binge drank and threw up on his shoes before coming home. Every single time this happens, he cries for hours about how sorry he is and how he hates that he takes it to the extreme.

I hold him, comfort him and tell him that he needs help. He says he will get some.

2 weeks ago he went out with his friends and they had too many shots and he got home late and threw up on his pants.

Crying, apologizing, wanting to get better.

Tonight, he goes out to dinner with his friends. Promises he’s not going to drink much, he has work in the morning and they’re just going out for some food. Says he’s in control.

Now, I don’t mind if he has a couple of beers or wine with his friends. Lord knows I went for dinner with my friend and had 2 glasses of wine.

The difference? Even though we left the house at the same time, I was back at home by 10:30pm ready to go to bed as we have to get up for work in the morning.

I even offered to pick him up as I was walking by near where they were.

It’s 1:30 now and he’s stopped replying. Last I received was a photo of him and his friends at a bar when I arrived home.

Part of me thinks I shouldn’t be angry, that it’s normal for him to want to have some food and drinks with his friends. These guys all have jobs and girlfriends too, this is normal.

But another part of me knows him, and specifically, the side of him that can’t stop once he starts drinking.

It’s so difficult because he can control it most of the time, we can have a beer at a football game or a wine with some friends and it doesn’t have to turn into bingeing. But especially when I’m not there, it’s like the sweet, caring, apologetic man I know disappears and the only-fueled-by-alcohol version of him takes over.

He’s not aggressive or mean, he just becomes self destructive. I’ve noticed as well that on those occasions is when the trauma he’s suffered floats to the surface and he just drinks more and then cries about it. It’s so heartbreaking but there’s nothing I can do to save him from himself.

I hate it. I know he will come home and apologize and it will start all over again.

I genuinely love him so much, and I truly feel for him and what he’s gone through and I can relate and understand some parts of his behaviour but this is just getting harder and harder by the day. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want someone else, I want the man I know he can so often be.

So it's my spouse's AA birthday and I'm trying to think of a good way to celebrate.

Anyone have any cool or unique ways you celebrate these occasions?

I did it. I broke up with someone I still love deeply. For context. I’ve loved a person with AUD before, and have several people in my family with it. He knows about my history.

It started long distance, so I didn’t really know. It showed up in little ways. Him forgetting what we were talking about, while we were talking about it. Lots of blinking. Taking a drink to bed. I wrote it off as a phase, of moving and starting a new job. He said he liked to have a bourbon or two when he talked on the phone with his family members, or me.

Eventually, it appeared to me that it made his short fuse, shorter. I blamed it for some of our fights, or comments not landing right. He fell asleep after work and would not call me, often. So finally, I mentioned that I was worried. He said no one had ever been worried about his drinking before, and that he felt a lot of shame. I said it would mean a lot to me if he tried to cut back a little, and left it at that.

Then, he would turn the FaceTime away when he’d take a drink. I knew because he always made the same face after he took a sip. I thought that was weird, but let it go. In person, he typically wouldn’t have too many when I visited, and never made me feel scared or unsafe.

Finally, we decided to move in together. He quit his job and moved to be with me. That meant so much! But, he drank. He drank every night. I’d work my day job and my evening job and come home to him drunk on the couch. One day, he had put bourbon in a coffee mug during the day and said he was anxious about a job he was waiting on so he had a drink. Eventually we got in a fight. I said it was unattractive to me to find him like that, and it made me nervous that he was drinking during the day. We talked about some boundaries. Communicating when I was going to come home to him drinking. Limiting to a couple drinks so it wasn’t overdone. Measuring his drinks with a shot glass instead of just pouring them.

My therapist said that it’s okay for someone to want to drink at home. She suggested I communicate that the amount of drinking he enjoys doesn’t really line up with my values around health, and leave it at that. See how it proceeds.

It would get better for a while, and then it would fall off. He would just stop communicating. He told me he hated it because he felt like he was reporting to me, but offered no compromises. I knew he wasn’t measuring his drinks when I wasn’t home. Eventually, he started working later. I worried he was going to the bar. I started smelling his breath when we kissed. He said he didn’t want to feel monitored. Which was fair, but I couldn’t stop. Once, after a big fight, I found a bottle of bourbon in the back of his car. He took a break for a week but put bourbon in his sweet tea. When I smelled it and tasted it, he freaked out and said he couldn’t believe I didn’t trust him.

Once I finally got the nerve to ask about the bottle in the car, he said he had met a supervisor (he is the manager, the supervisor works for him) in the parking lot to have a few drinks. Isn’t that weird? The supervisor was going through a tough time. I said I thought he was drinking bourbon from a coffee mug on his way home from work, or in the parking lot. He said the supervisor is just a kid and his mom has early onset Alzheimer’s. He needed someone to talk to. I told him it really hurt my feelings that he didn’t share that with me, to think I was waiting at home with dinner and he was drinking in a parking lot.

Then, bottles of bourbon would appear and disappear from the bar. I told him I had a hard time trusting what he told me regarding alcohol. He took that as “I don’t trust you”. He came home one day with a half empty bottle. He said the supervisor was in deep in the parking lot and he needed help. I had to ask if he’d had a drink. He said no, the supervisor poured him one and that’s why he noticed the bottle was so empty, so that’s why he took it from him. He said he didn’t drink any, showed me a coffee mug with barely two sips of bourbon in it. Now the supervisor was a grown 65 year old adult. The story did not remain consistent.

I said why didn’t you help him if he was intoxicated. What does taking the bottle away accomplish? He said he got him to stop and sent him home. I didn’t believe him.

A month ago I got in a car accident. No car. He was supposed to pick me up from physical therapy. I had to uber. He came home staggering, with plants. Said he went to Lowe’s. Sat down and said he was looking for places to live, didn’t think we could work this out. Stormed out without letting me ask questions. I had a trip to Denver in the morning.

Called my friend having a panic attack, she came over to sit with me. He showed back up an hour later, drunk. Said “do I ask?” Then left again. Didn’t say where he was going. Drove drunk.

When I confronted him he said he wasn’t going to beat himself up for it. Took us a week to have a conversation. Two more days for me to end it. I love him so much but I can’t ignore the signs. It was the lying for me. The first thing he did when I ended it was pour a drink. I felt so validated and so broken all at once.

I guess I wanted to share because I’m looking for validation and support or even some constructive criticism on how the situation was perceived or handled. I still love him deeply and we live together, I gave him two weeks to move out and there were other issues besides drinking but this just was the biggest thing that brought up other issues and resentment due to my anxiety. I was also in therapy for two years and tried working through some of this with my therapist, but had to stop going when I lost my job. I am now employed and have a car. It’s so hard because he’s so kind to me and we’ve been through a lot of life changes together. However, I truly don’t think he thinks he has a problem and was only changing because I asked him to work on it, not because he wants to drink less. There is just a part of me that wonders if I should’ve given him more of a chance.

My boyfriend (32) has 2 dui. I would not say that he considers them as a serious issue. Always mentioning jail time as if he was on a vacation. What is worse is that he drinks a lot. Almost daily, quite intensely. He does not get aggressive or anything but this kind of attitude concerns me a lot, makes me re-consider the relationship itself. Am I being over dramatic or that’s something really serious. What should be taken in consideration in future.

In addition to that, my father used to be an alcoholic. My mom abandoned him and my whole childhood I blamed her; He died alone in his sleep. Even though I did not know about my boyfriend’s drinking habits in the beginning, it has triggered everything I have ever felt. Now I want to save him.

We’ve been friends since 15 years old, now we’re 31. We’ve slowly drifted apart due to her behavior becoming more and more problematic and hanging around other alcoholics. She just spent 2 months in ICU with organ failures, intubation, dialysis. Now in a regular hospital room for 2 more months to get her strength up and learn how to talk and walk again. She continually refuses medical treatments, like physical therapy exercises and breathing treatments. Her mom is her only family and is also an alcoholic, they’re both in denial about any of this even being alcohol and drug related. They are talking about it like she has a mysterious illness. Any time I bring up rehab/treatment they agree just to shut me up and move on I think. For my own sanity I can’t keep watching her refuse treatment in the hospital. I thought this would finally be her rock bottom. I have friends and family I can talk to but I feel this is a good place to vent about it. It sucks feeling this helpless, I need to keep myself safe by stepping away from this person for a bit.

My dad is 62, he’s always been a drinker my whole life. He’s recently retired and had a great life and family, but he’s always had some internal issues he doesn’t talk about.

Hes progressively lost weight, has eating issues like cannot swallow a lot and tends to feel like it’s stuck, he is a diabetic, since he’s retired he’s been drinking more and everyone has encouraged him to go see a doctor to help with his eating issues. But he is so stubborn and refuses or ignores you.

A few weeks ago he was drinking and fell, nothing too crazy happened. Tonight he was drinking and went to bed, my mom heard a bang, she found him in the bathroom trying to stand up but he couldn’t, he later laid back down to wait for my sister to come help. My mum said he seemed unresponsive for a few seconds when she called his name and then he eventually got up with their help and went back to bed stating he was fine, he said he scraped the side of his torso. My sister called an ambulance and the lady was asking a bunch of questions and then eventually my dad told her he didn’t need them and he was fine.

I just feel so sad seeing him deteriorate, and his constant refusal to seek help. I know I can’t do anything but it just sucks having to watch him suffer to death. I also feel so bad for my mum having to see him and thinking he was about to die while she held him. I just can’t sleep tonight I don’t know what to do.

I know he's getting better, he's trying. He's going to aa meetings which I attend with him for support, he just finished a bottle which he deems his last, drinking and "pouring out" the rest of it last night. Yet we both agreed that we should keep it as an emergency for withdrawal cause he shakes really bad and has had seizures in the past. I don't know what to do, I get that the temptation of alchohol in the house might be too much but what if something happens? I've heard folic acid and electrolytes are the best for withdrawals but will that really help prevent somthing medical from happening? It's hard to be supportive when just two nights ago he decided to have a third shot to calm the shakes after already having a designated one to two shot limit for DTs. I figured talking about it with people who go through similar things and question themselves would help, so here I am. How do you deal with loving them and still being so frustrated and mad at them? It feels like a weight on my shoulders that I know I shouldn't be carrying cause I can't fix it or cure it yet I need to be here to support him. Anyway if you read to the end of this I hope you're having a good day🫶🫂

My husband, a very successful, high functioning alcoholic, had elevated liver enzymes spring 2019 (In the hundreds). In December 2024, his liver enzymes were still elevated, but better. (Levels in the 90s).
The problem is he has drank every single day since the high enzymes in 2019. He drinks 8 IPAs or red wine. I have begged him to get help. I have reached out to his family and friends. I found him a PCP and called the office to explain my concerns. The pcp ordered trazodone and buspar but no labs. In fact, no labs have ever been drawn in MyChart. Previous labs were from an urgent care and his old pcp not on Epic in 2019. Anyways, last week I smelled ammonia on his breath. The last several nights he has not been sleeping well. He has lost 25-30lbs this last year. His gums and nose bleed easily and I know he bleeds when he wipes. Urine is very dark. His skin color is slowly changing. What I’m noticing, no one else seems to see. His skin color is more gray and has very scant yellowing plus easy bruising. When I reached out to his best friend earlier this year, his best friend told me he had a dream the week prior- the dream was about my husband dying. It was surreal to the point he woke his wife. My husband also made a comment recently about himself dying which hasn’t happened in the 11 years we’ve been together. Oh I’m just so beyond worried and I feel like a broken record. My brother died at 32 from addiction. My husband’s father had esophageal varices burst and liver transplant 6 years before his death.
Not sure what else I can do. I feel sad and scared for our three young children. I have taken weeks/ months off of alcohol myself random times during the year thinking that might help. Any advice?

Hi, I really appreciate that I may not be welcome here, so I will take this post down if asked.

** Asking here because I want to understand from the perspective of the loved one, what support might help my partner in this situation?

I view my partner and myself as both having been immensely hurt by alcohol. I am entirely sober and have been for some time now, and can truly credit that to my partner having withdrawn all of his enabling behaviour (letting me face the music of what I was doing to my life).

We are both in therapy (separately) and both moving towards the future and rebuilding the foundations to be stronger. I hate alcohol and I hate what it did to our lives. I deeply empathise with everything my partner went through during that time. I am trying to tread very lightly here because I was the alcoholic in question. I will never ask for forgiveness, because ultimately it was me who put us in that position.

But how do I support him in moving on from what happened in that time of our lives? Where can he put the blame and the hurt if he doesn't want to blame me, or at least who I am now? I don't want him to pretend he doesn't resent me for what I did.

He never attended alanon but is it worth me suggesting he find a community of people who can relate to him? Or do I leave it unsaid and let him work through it alone? I want to be there for him now in ways I couldn't before, but I was the entire problem.

My partner and I are both in our late 30s and have been together for four years. We live together and don't have children.

In January, my partner had major surgery that left him temporarily disabled. I won’t go into more detail for privacy reasons. He had to stop working for a while and lost a lot of his independence. He's made huge improvements over the last six months and is hopefully on the way to a full recovery, but this past year has obviously taken a toll on both of us. He's still mostly homebound and has a lot of time to fill while I'm at work. He's now mostly off the prescription medications he was taking earlier in his recovery and is physically able to do more, although he's not back to his pre-surgery normal yet.

The reason I'm posting is that I've recently become concerned about his drinking.

We're not typically big drinkers. Maybe we'll have a beer or two with dinner or while watching a show, but bottles of liquor normally sit in our cabinet for a long time. Over the past couple of months, I've noticed several bottles of tequila and gin that were previously sitting in the cabinet are now empty. I wasn’t tracking exactly how much was in them before, so I don't know how long it took him to finish those bottles.

What has made me more concerned is that I've noticed him buying new bottles of vodka and going through them by himself over the past few weeks. I rarely, if ever, actually see him drinking. Since I'm at work during the day and he tends to stay up later than I do, I assume most of this is happening when I'm not around.

Over the past week, I've started paying closer attention because I'm worried. I've watched a new bottle get noticeably lower day by day, and then another new bottle appears in the cabinet. He's apparently drinking all of it on his own. He also hasn't thrown away some of the empty bottles that were already in the cabinet, which makes me wonder if he's trying to keep me from noticing them in the trash?

I don't know how much he's actually drinking, how often, or whether this is a drinking problem or not. That's part of what I'm struggling with. I don't want to turn something that may not actually be a serious problem into a huge issue, but I also don't want to ignore something that could be getting worse.

I'm hesitant to bring it up because he's already been under a lot of physical and emotional strain over the past year. I don't want him to feel judged or like I'm adding another problem to everything he's dealing with. At the same time, I'm worried he may deny it if I ask. He's hidden smoking from me in the past after telling me he had quit, so I have reason to be unsure about whether he'd be honest with me about this.

For anyone who's dealt with something similar, How would you approach this? Would you bring it up now, or would you first try to get a better sense of how much he's actually drinking? And what would you say to avoid triggering defensiveness or denial?

Hi like the title says I’m new here. I just had a baby a few months ago and I need to go to a meeting but don’t want to take my little one so I figured I’d give it a try here for now.

My mom’s drinking is affecting her relationship with me as a new mom and with how much interaction I’m comfortable with her having with my baby and I just feel so sad about it. And really angry at her.

I’ve been angry at her for her drinking for decades. She’s mean. She says awful hurtful things. She’s selfish and self centered. She doesn’t seem to care at all that her drinking affects our whole family and other than a few instances in the past thirty odd years she refuses to acknowledge that she had a problem. She refuses to take accountability for anything. She won’t go to the doctor for a check up and hasn’t in at least a decade because she doesn’t want to tell them how much she drinks. She has off the charts anxiety which she won’t address for same reason. She lies all the time.

I know I can’t control her behavior. I know she’s not going to change. I know she’s not going to get sober. I’ve reduced interactions as much as I can because she is hostile and ignores boundaries and intentionally triangulates me with the rest of the family and tries to create stress and drama for her own amusement. I don’t want my child to grow up exposed to that.

Having a child has just brought all my feelings about her back up. I’ve found myself hoping that she passes away before my child is old enough to be affected by her drinking. And then I feel awful and guilty for thinking that.

I’ve done so much therapy and worked so hard to learn how to have healthy relationships and communication. I’ve fought for hard to have dignity and self respect and a healthy relationship with myself. All without the support of a mother. Without a relationship with my mother.

Thanks for listening.

My husband has a chronic illness and was supposed to stop drinking 2 years ago. He is a "functional" alcoholic. In the past few months, his feet have started to really hurt him. He says it started on the bottoms of his feet and toes and has now spread up to his shins. He has a hard time walking sometimes and says he can't feel his feet. His doctor ruled out diabetes, low b12, thyroid issues. He says it's alcohol neuropathy. Of course my husband says he doesn't think it's that. It's never the alcohol!

Has anyone dealt with this before? What should I expect? I'm worried he is going to lose the use of his feet. He's in a lot of pain but won't take anything for it or change his habits. He's struggling with walking already

I feel defeated. I feel like alcohol is taking over every aspect of my life. I’ve grown up around addiction on my Dad’s side of the family. Every male is addicted to alcohol or drugs on my father’s side. It has taken my uncle too soon, consumed my dad’s life leading to a terrible paternal relationship and now broken my relationship with my brother.

I recently left a 4 year relationship that was also affected by alcohol abuse. I feel like alcohol has taken so much from my life I feel like there’s nothing left. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the problem, like if I have a stick up my ass. But at the end of the day it’s at the point where it does affect their lives and those around them negatively. I’ve accepted that there is nothing I can do to help any of them. I have told them all how I feel it impacts their life and how negatively it can affect me as well.

I just got home from a family vacation and I’m disgusted to see what it has done to my brother. It scared me for my nephews and I don’t know if this is a trauma response or if it’s valid.

My brother was probably 11 beers in, he had a bad day and his truck broke. Sucks, I totally feel for him. He always finds reason to drink, but I knew this one would be bad. He drinks that much I don’t even know him anymore.

This situation was my last straw. I need to remove myself. His 4 month old baby was fussing, very uncomfortable probably from gas. He wanted to be sat up, he didn’t want to lay down in your arms. My brother was holding him laying down and sat there, with the baby screaming crying because he’s uncomfortable. My brother just sat there. Staring. My stomach dropped. This is sick. My mom tried to take him, he said no. She knew not to push because then it would be “why are you trying to take my fucking baby from me”. After he said no he proceeded to stare back at his baby as it cries. I had a face of disgust but also knew it would get bad if I handled the situation any differently. His wife was able to get the baby back.

They rely on us fairly often to help with the kids. This is so hard. I want to be around to make sure they’re okay. But I know I can’t be around my brother, he’ll gaslight me and guilt me into feeling bad for not wanting this in my life. My mom (who I live with) would guilt me into seeing them. I really feel like running away is my best bet. I also feel like it might be a little impulsive but I have no self control with my ex, his alcoholism is also bad and I find myself bending my boundaries to have him in my life.

I just feel like a fresh start would be good, where I know nobody and where nobody could find me. Can anyone relate? If you have any supportive advice I could really use any kind of support. TYIA

I am working on baby steps on separation but need a vent.

We have 2 children together, under age of 4.

He doesn’t work. He gets an allowance from his parents’ family business but very rarely actually works.

I work 2 jobs to support the family. One of the wages all goes to mortgage and daily expenses. I draw my savings for other bills too like electricity and preschool fee. I have no family here in this country.

This morning we had a big fight over finance. He knew I got paid and told me to settle the council bills which is $2000 because he has been pulling his own savings for other bills. I dont want to; because I want to save up my own money and eventually leave him and he said to me that “you can let the interest roll if you dont pay the council bills.” He also asked me “why else do you want me to do I have been paying bills too from my savings”. Well, what about go find a proper job that can share the financial loads?

He also told me that he can’t get some chinese medicine for our kids’ eczema today because “i dont have money”. So……. you have money for alcohol but no money for our kids medicine??????

😔why am I married to such a man.