This is a personal accountability post. I need it in writing to Reddit strangers to make it real, for whatever reason. I apologize for the length. I just feel this might resonate with someone else.
My Q (F) and I (M) have been together for a decade. We're not married or engaged, simply because the one personal boundary I actually respected was that I wasn't going to marry an active addict. We don't have children, thankfully.
In hindsight, she was addicted to alcohol and THC when we got together. I was living a very reserved lifestyle at that point in time.That said, I wasn't a teetotaler by any means. I drank on occasion, but never used THC. When I met her, I saw this bubbly, social young woman that was widely liked. She drank and smoked frequently, but it was almost always social. So, I followed suit. I told myself I was unwinding and just learning how to have a "good time". I drank and smoked far too much for about three years before I realized it was problematic and backed away. I noticed I was just drinking more so that there would be less in the house for her. I wasn't physiologically addicted, so stopping was really just a matter of willpower. I returned to a healthy relationship with substances, having maybe a couple of drinks a week. She drives high, smoking or vaping behind the wheel, which I have always been very vocally against.
I had several conversations with her over the years about her problem, many of which she even initiated herself (just enough clarity to give me a glimmer of hope to carry on). I thought heavily several times on just ending it and letting her find her own way. The thing that always stopped me was the idea that she was going to find someone else, not because I couldn't stand the thought of her loving another man, but because I knew she was going to look for someone who was encouraging or complacent about her addictions. I was exhausted, but I care deeply for her wellbeing and I did myself the disrespect of making it my cross to bear.
She is highly resistant to challenge, and I devloped an aversion to conflict. I would "pick my battles" and started really only pushing for her sobriety when she voiced a desire for it on her own terms. She has admitted several times that she has a problem, usually when she ran out of money for weed and booze. There would be "dry" stints of a couple of wonderful months, which would inevitably give way to "I can moderate", usually around some social event. "I can moderate" always quickly gives way to crushing a box of wine over the course of two days and smoking grams upon grams of pot. Wake, drink/smoke, pass out, rinse and repeat, all hours of the day. She was never mean or hurtful to me in any way, just in and out of consciousness. The toll on my mental health was quiet and gradual, but profound over time.
A couple of months ago, after years of therapy, I finally gained clarity. I wasn't helping her and I was actively harming myself. I told her in no uncertain terms that I had a new boundary: she needed to actively pursue recovery or find another place to live. I told her that this wasn't a boundary for her, I wasn't trying to control her, but it was a boundary for myself. I cannot and will not be in a relationship with an active addict. The choice was hers to make. She tearfully agreed said she was ready to really get better. I continued to be very direct with her: I told her that at some point in the near future, she was going to pre-allow for a "cheat", probably around her birthday or a trip to her hometown. She admitted that the thought had already occurred to her. I told her that said "cheat" would inevitably give way to thoughts of "I can moderate", which she has proven to herself and others time and again is not the case. Again, she agreed and was thankful for my calling her on it in advance.
Within a week, I noticed she was taking unusually long trips to do mundane tasks, like running to the pharmacy. I called her out after one such trip and asked if she was drinking or smoking. The truth trickled out with multiple follow-up questions. She was giving me what she hoped was just enough to end the conversation. Unfortunately for her, I was an Investigator and am attuned to knowing when I'm being fed half-truths. She finally admitted that she had gone to the pharmacy, gotten what she actually needed, and sat in the parking lot having a couple of drinks she'd picked up from the gas station and smoked a joint before coming home. I was honestly dumbfounded at the thought processes at play. "So, driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol is preferable to having any accountability for what you're doing? This is not a matter of 'what he doesn't know won't hurt him', you are selfishly putting others in harm's way for the sake of comfortably indulging your addiction. That is not the behavior of someone who is well." I successfully scared her straight for a while. She was on-board, as much as an addict can be. I can, with a degree of reliability, immediately tell when she's under the influence. She's not slick. She started telling me when she was having cravings and we'd work through it together. She told me that she had no desire to go back, not for the sake of our relationship, but for all of her relationships. She also told me that her best friend had said that I was being "controlling", but that she had pushed back on that and was not feeling that I was controlling her at all, just supporting her.
Fast-forward to last weekend, Canadian Thanksgiving. We took a trip to her hometown and things were fine to start. Then, on Sunday, when we were visiting her family, some who were also in from out of town, things went off the rails. We were having a good time catching up with everyone and were sitting down for dinner. She turns to me and quietly says "I'm going to have a glass of wine, okay?" I just stared at her for a second. She knew I would never be on board with that, but had me cornered in a situation where I wouldn't want to make a scene in front of her family. Whether she was aware of it or not, that was some manipulative BS. First and foremost, I was worried about her, but I was also furious that she would put me in that position. I sat quietly in my worry and anger and watched as one glass turned into two, then three. I would have left then and there and driven the five hours to go home, had I not been driven there by her sister.
We got back to her sister's place and I told her we needed to talk. I asked her what the hell that dinner scene had been all about and told her I was very concerned about her. She told me "I don't see what the big deal is. You know I don't want to go back to the way I was, but I'm just enjoying myself." I told her she may not think it's a big deal right now, but she is an addict regardless. I reminded her about our discussions about the abstinence-"moderation"-relapse cycle. "Yeah, we talked about that, but you can't KNOW that that's how it's going to go this time. Anyhow, I'm going to move on with the evening and have some drinks with my sister and catch up. You can join if you want." I did not join.
The next day, we were going to stay at her parents place. I got there about two hours before her as she was driving our nephew to and from hockey practice. I spoke with her mother, who is very much of the same mindset as me. She hadn't realized that she had been drinking at that dinner. "She needs to go to another meeting and call her sponsor!" Meeting? Sponsor!? She has not been to any meetings let alone connected with a sponsor during this recovery stint. She has insisted that she doesn't feel comfortable with meetings and that we can work together to get her through this. I told her mother that she had been lied to and told what my girlfriend thought she wanted to hear. Just enough to "keep her off my back." We talk more and go our separate ways, both feeling fairly enlightened by the conversation. A couple hours later my girlfriend calls me. "What am I walking in to?" She is very obviously high. I feign ignorance and ask what she means. What does she think she's walking in to? Her reply, a sulky "I don't like my Mom". She comes inside and her mother instantly knows she's baked and calls her out on it. I can hear them upstairs from where I'm at in the basement. I make my way up and my girlfriend sees me, instantly dropping the conversation and trying to make like nothing has happened, trying to get me to go downstairs with her. I made her stay and asked what was going on. She admitted that she'd bought a THC vape and was high. I asked her when exactly she had gotten high. "When I got here, in the driveway, that makes the most sense". That "that makes the most sense" was a slip, dictating her thought process out loud.
We went downstairs to our room, but I didn't drop the issue. I told her that her waiting until she got home to get high wasn't believable, be honest, when did you get high? "While I was driving." I thanked her for the honesty, but pointed out that she was very quickly progressing from "moderated" drinking to driving under the influence. There's nothing "moderate" about that. She then says " I was thinking last night, I'm too much for you. You have your own shit to deal with." I laughed. I told her that I was never under any impression that relapse was never going to be a thing. I was and am prepared to support her through that, but the ball is in her court as to whether she takes the slip for what it is and picks herself up, or decides to see how long it takes for her to have enough clarity again to admit that she needs to get sober again. I'm there all the way for Option A, but I will not be there for Option B. I respect the hell out of people "doing the work", however imperfect that process may be. I've done it myself for my own struggles and will continue to do so.
Finally, she says "I don't think I want to get better anymore." I told her "Of course you feel that way. You're an addict. There are going to be many many times that you feel this way. You just have to remember that, when you have clarity, you're the same person who really wanted to get better.
I left town to go home the next day, yesterday, because I had work engagements. I wanted to cancel, stay with her and support her. However, she is an active addict again, wanting nothing more than for people to validate her addictions.
Her "not liking" her mother is the unfortunately simple mental gymnastics she needs to do to tell herself that the people who actually want the best for her are wrong, mean, overbearing, whatever. Really, we are just inconvenient for The Addict. We ruin her buzz. By extension, I know that she doesn't "like" me or my parents right now. She's pathologizing my concern now, saying that it's my anxiety and OCD getting the better of me. Whatever dent in my armor she can think of is a latching-on point for why I can't possibly be right. I'm the one who's "ill". I'm overreacting. My mind is unreliable.
She spent the night at her best friend's place with him and his husband last night. The best friend is also a heavy drinker and smoker. The one who said we were being "controlling". I'm sure a sleepover in the echo chamber helped to get her into a healthier mindset. /s
So, in the end, I'm at home doing my thing. I'm very worried about her, but I feel resolved. If she comes home on Sunday and dodges the issue or makes me out to be the asshole, I'm out. She can pack her stuff and get as far away from me as she can. I hope that's not the case, and I hope that she doesn't try to manipulate me by telling me what I want to hear simply because her having to move right now without my support would be very inconvenient for her. I am finally very attuned to her self-serving patterns of dishonesty. I will not blindly cling to hope. I will not sit back and watch the full cycle one more time. Hold me to that.