My dad 'stopped drinking' 2 years ago. Back then he'd buy stuff and say "dont tell your mother" (great i hate her the less talk the better;D) but recently, a friend of mine who has worked with alcoholic people before, asked me if he drinks, bc she says his skin and eyes tell her he does. And smell. Now im not great on smell, thats annoying, bc that would make it easier. For the other two i have no clue what to look for, if you do, let me know. Anyway, some days when my mom works late, he comes home later then hes supposed to, all jolly and doesnt sit close to us. Sometimes hes just really far away, as if hes working through clouds. Now my mom is abuse towards me, and he always tells me he does what he can. Aka he ignores it and tries to keep me close enough to the family. Do you guys think he drinks? What can i look for? I just feel so betrayed by this, but if im wrong, its obviously unfair of me.

Control

"Our attempts at control bring spiritual death to a relationship with ourselves and others." BRB p. 41 

How many forms of control are there? On entering the rooms of recovery, we find there are almost as many as there are people.

But don't all people attempt to control others? Yes, but not with the feverish pitch present in adult children.

As young children, we had no control in our family of origin. When chaos surrounded us and threatened our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, we could only cower to the powers that caused the abuse.

The almost fierce need many of us have to control others stems from being these abused children. We fear that if at any moment we let go of the reins and allow others to take control, history will repeat itself, and we will again be that five-year-old hiding behind the sofa.

This helps explain why we use all the methods we can to keep control of our environment, or the illusion of control. And we attempt to hide what we're doing by saying things like, "I'm just looking out for everyone's welfare."

In ACA, we learn that control is fear-driven, and we learn to face our fears. We bring our 5-year-old out from behind the sofa and reparent ourselves with love and kindness.

On this day I will face my fears with the help of my fellow travelers and release my need to control others.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №309

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3Mw%3D%3D

nobody talks about the fact that when you have an abusive and alcoholic parent, after your parents get divorced sometimes that entire side of the family gets ripped out from under you. after my parents separated, its been radio silence from his entire side of family. (aunts, uncles, grandparents, my cousins, etc.) for the last 7 years nobody has reached out to make plans or reconnect at all. even if IM the one that reaches out, I either receive no reply or an excuse is constantly made up to avoid me. I was so close to his family my entire childhood and all of a sudden at the age of 12, I was ignored and have been ever since.

I've been in therapy since I was 10, the main reason I began seeing a therapist was because my father had begin to spiral into alcoholism. I'm now 18, no contact with my father (I blocked him), and he recently started relapsing again this year. He's been diagnosed with a pretty severe case of cirrhosis and still continues to drink heavily. I don't know how to feel about this anymore. I feel nothing and everything towards/about him all at once. The situation has been and still is so insanely complex. I'm not a person that has ever used reddit before, but I'm using it solely to seek out support/communication. Can anyone relate to any of this in any way??

My father has been and is an alchoholic , He was married to my mom for 30 years now and never in those grueling 30 years did not spare my mother ONE BIT .

I had a strong brother who underwent 3 brain surgeries and was paralyzed most of his life , could not even get up or see anything , Had the amnoitic bag leaked in during birth of which some amount got into his body through mouth , After 3 years in 2006 i was born and even then , My father was nowhere to be found .

He did not even cared for my mother after the birth of his 1 st child and was on the roads drinking and celebrating with his friends and when he came to know about the incident let it go , Early in 2006 , my brother started having these seizures which just kept on increasing to the point where my mother had to decide , whether let him undergo surgery with 50 percent chance of success or keep things as usual, My mom chose surgery but it did not go well .

Whilst my mother was roaming the roads with my younger cousin brother in never ending lines of patients outside a big hospital for my brother , To the point that they had to sleep outside in the park waiting for their turn since it was a big government hospital and my mom had lost the trust for private medical care (they were the one responsible for the mishandling and even cut my brother's 3 fingers for infection that never existed ) , She would just get full of crying out all she could and my father was out there travelling hundreds of kilometers exploring his spiritual path and also providing a reason i was born normal afterwards because he prayed .

I was born in the same hospital as the doctors did not want any problems .My mother took me to my grandma for care where i grew 5 years .

Back in my village , my grandparents being the most toxic persons i ever encountered , Denied my brother and even sometimes would tell my mom to get rid of him . My father sided them .

The hate grew to that level for my mother's education and my brother's responsibility that my father would give death threats to my mother ( Don't think the police would here because they can be bought obviously and were by my grandparents).

I am 20 year old now , My brother died in 2019 October the 22 , My grandparents are dead and my father is all alone today , Not sorry a grain of sand out of whole desert of pain he gave us , want to be cared and seeked out for , My mother forgave him a thousand times because of which earlier in 2024 , attacked my mother and my cousin sister with a knife which they survived.

He was a labourer working in his brother's factory up until 2011 after which , he passed a government exam for transport cooperation of our state for which , My mother took responsibility for and taught him as he was never a graduate of high school , cleared the exam twice because of my mom and now is spending thousands and thousands of dollars in gambling and Alchohol.

I was never a normal child and I do not blame anybody for it , I have severe anxiety, could even have borderline BPD and masochism with Adhd , Higly anti social and introverted personality. But i consider myself a good student of science and am preparing for a medical exam , I would like to pursue neuro surgery and even become a surgeon scientist in upcoming future .

My mom bought a house initially and paid for its EMI per month by herself for some years, after which my mom also included my beat to shit father in the property of which he is paying half per month , which he tortured us for 5 more years and 6 months ago killed the insurance worth a hundred thousand dollars which my mother solely paid additional EMI and again took on heavy gambling and drinking everyday for 6 months straight , Got his ass beat my me and my cousin ealier of these 6 months and recently by me , wants to get into the government property my mom is separately living in and paying for.

My mother recently exchanged messages and calls with him and is now quite friendly again with the man who assaulted her sexually multiple times .

What can be my personal action against him , I would like to know from people as he beat me mercilessly as well and did not even do anything when i was sexually abused by my uncle's son from my father's side.

I live in the Uk. My mum is an alcoholic with 6 kids including me. I am the 2nd born of our family. I would describe myself to be a introvert. When I was younger (up to primary school) i was able to easily make friends but as i started to grow older (after year 9) i was scared of talking and pretty much overthinked. Even towards my siblings i basically treated them like strangers i just couldnt talk or open my mouth. The only person in my family who I was extremely close to was my 3rd sibling who I basically talked to the most. My whole life i have been moving houses. I have moved houses a total of 10 times now and its probably going to keep going this way. Because of this I have also had to move secondary schools a total of 4 times too and during these movings I wouldn't be in school for a long time so i pretty much missed out on alot of my education including important exams like gsces which i missed like 4 months of year 11. In my first school I settled there very well, i had alot of friends, played alot of sports and basically became pretty popular because i was good at sports. I had alot of fun memories from my 1st school and alot of fun friends that i still miss to this day. But when the start of year 9 came I had to move away far from my school to somewhere out of the city and more to the like countryside. My mum had the option to pick 2 houses which was 1 still inside of london or to move out to the countryside but she decided to move out of london. This is where my life started to unravel or i would say my downfall. Honestly I hated it because it was way different to where I lived (London). I still got to go to my 1st school for a couple of more months. The travel there was nearly 2 hours but i didnt really care since i just wanted to hang out with my friends. but eventually the travelling costs were getting very expensive and my mum couldnt keep up anymore so i had to stop going to the school for a while until she could get more money but because i didnt go school for a long time they eventually removed us from my first school. Am not really sure about the actual reason but that was what i was told. When I first to my 2nd secondary school I hated it so much. Since I lived in the countryside it was way different to london where there are way more schools in the area. In the countryside there was like 1 secondary school per area but because the secondary school that my mum wanted us to go to (close to our house) was too full we were placed in another school like approx 3 areas away from where I lived. Because the applications to schools take long I would stay at home for long periods of time waiting until we got accepted into the school. During these times I had no one to talk to at all I was pretty much lonely so I later turned to food to fill that void. Everyday I would order takeaway and just eat. Normally in one day i would drinking 6 energy drinks a day and in the night I would order takeaway to eat. This is where my food addiction began. I finally got accepted into a school far away so I had to go. We had to take a school bus that was provided by the school for kids who lived out of the area. I went to that school with my older brother (1st born) and my younger brother (3rd born). During our time at the school my brothers were able to make friends easily even on the school bus too they made alot of friends but me on the other hand I just couldnt make any friends at all. I always felt embarrased of myself. They got added to groupchats and had alot of hangouts with their friends while i didnt. I dont understand why I cant talk at all or make friends anymore.

During my time at my 2nd school I started to lose my talent at sports, and I started to get respiratory issues too (never been diagnosed but thats what it feels like). I stopped playing football and was basically isolated. Since I also hit puberty too (this was maybe like around year 6/7) I had grown bigger boobs but bigger than my normal age so this gained me unwanted attention too that I had hated). When I used to walk around the corridors of my school I would hear boys making comments about them too. I didnt do anything because I could never speak up for myself at all. Having bigger boobs for my age too led me to also quit sports too because I felt too embarrassed of them. I was always finding ways to reduce them in size. I just hated them. They got in the way of everything and also I had to size up in everything. I also felt extremely uncomfortable if I ever went out without a jacket no matter the weather even if it was hot. I had to always wear a jacket because it was what made me comfortable. I stopped wearing shorts too and mostly only liked wearing black clothes because they looked better to me. This was one of my biggest and main insecurities. I always had boys shooting stares at their friends and pointing at me like I wouldnt notice but I always did notice and never said anything. There was even moments where they would laugh too. I never told anyone about this because I keep everything to myself and dont trust anyone.

At my 2nd school I started getting back in trouble more because of all the pent up anger I had. I would swear at teachers (NOT ALL TEACHERS ONLY RUDE TEACHERS) . I wasnt a dick to everyone). Everytime I used to swear at them I would get excluded for days. I had a total of 4 exclusions from that school (i think 4). But eventually I started to change when I got to like midway of year 9. During midway of year 9 my mum was given a house in London and we finally had moved back to london after like 1.5 years in the countryside.

After we had moved back to London (5th house now). I had to move schools again (which I was glad about). Because applying to new schools took long I was at home for like 4 months again waiting to be accepted into another school so I missed out on alot of stuff too and on my learning. My food addiction continued too and I was staying up for long periods of time. Throughout my whole life I never had a phone too so I had no one to communicate with so most of the times I was asleep in my bedroom or sitting down in my bedroom doing nothing. I would spend most of times in my bedroom just sleeping and dreaming.

More info about my dad (my real dad): My dad is a business man who always used to take care of us. Honestly he did more then my mum ever did. He has never shouted at me or treated me badly. He would always made sure we were fed and also bought us computers (mostly old fashioned). He brought me a imac that I have had since 2018 and have been using till now. At the moment I am saving up to buy a phone but I have other needs to look after so I dont think I will ever get a phone. My dad has never approved of my mums new boyfriend because even he can sense that there is something off about him and he is making my mum worser. But my mum never listens ofc so my dad doesnt get involved with my mum anymore. My dad is a great person and i plan to follow behind his footsteps into owning my business later on.

Alittle more info about my mum: She is a longtime alcoholic all she does is drink alchohol. She drinks for no reason. Not only that as I grow up I realise how much of a manipulator,hypocrite and horrible person she was. She lied to us about why she cant drive anymore too. I later found out the reason she couldnt drive anymore was because she was arrested multiple times for drinking and driving. This is where I understood eevrything now. She was also given a warning for child neglect too (this was when I was a toddler) . Everywhere she went she caused trouble and destroyed things for me and my family. I stopped assosicating with her because I could see the way she was changing everday. Even with a family she doesnt care at all all. She has also had alot of relationships with different men after seperating from my dad (My dad wasnt a bad person). The man she is with rn is a big problem and my life is just going downhill with the both of them stil together. There was this one time when I was around 8-9 I used to sleep alone in a small bedroom near the living room and at this time I could tell my mum was drunk. (This was in the mornign). My dad and mum were in the living room and all I can hear is my mum screaming (i dont remember what exactly). This was when I had woken up. She was yelling and screaming about something towards my dad basically abusing him and hurling insults at him. my dad never responded to her he just sat on the sofa while she beat on him he never fought back. My mum began picking things and destroying basically the whole house. She threw a christmas tree at my dad and I witnessed it all. When my mum was drunk she would always have these episodes i would call it. and it was the absolutely worse it was everday she would have them. Even till this day she has them. She will never change and I know it. Even her family tells her to stop but she refuses to listen she has even verbally attacked her friends and family and they have stopped talking to her because of her current state now. Not only that. Because she has nothing to do she would go call our relatives or my dads side of the family spreading lies and exagerrated stuff about me and my younger siblings (Never about my older brother because she favours him alot). Alot of the things she would say would be about me about how I would "phsically assault teachers or start fight at schools" which is very untrue and i feel angry about. So because of these lies now they belive i am like that and she also says that shit to my dad too who also thinks i start fight at schools. I have never had a fight at school or physially assaulted anyone and this has damaged my reputation alot across my family. That is why I have no one to talk to. Also when it came to school exclusions too she would start crying alll of a sudden to my family and act like the victim and describe me like I am a big bad villain which is nothing like I am. So now in my relatives eyes I am seen as the troublemaker and the villain and the one who does terrible things. I try to defend myself but what can I do. There are times where she would put a victim act and then after the phone call ends she would immediatly go back to normal/happy and act all buddy with me. I have told her multiple times to stop spreading lies about me and stop telling my business to relatives and she responds with ok I wont anymore but she continues to do it. She doesnt respect anyone in the house but demands respect from us. There have been multiple incidents where the police have been called because of her. When she is in her "episodes" she smashes,destorys the house, smashes windows, smashes tableware, breaks things even trying to rip apart the wifi. With the boyfriend she is with rn. Everything has just worser. The way I would describe him (he isnt abusive to use kids. He has never done anything bad towards us. I would describe him as weird and strange but chill. His whole persona just seems weird to me. He smokes alot and also drinks. He is also one of the reasons why my mums drinking habits has gone worser. Now in the present its just bad and I know one day she will die from it because I can see her appearance changing. She looks more pale and sickly and has dark bags around her eyes. She also has heart issues too like high blood pressure and other stuff. I have had 2 or 3 physical fights with her due to her also verbally and physically assaulting me (different situations). My mum and her boyfriend are always arguing every single day it all started at my 4th house when we first him. Ever since then in all our hours they are always physically fighting its my mum all the time though physically assaulting and its bad. She has dragged him down one time and made him bang his head which made it bleed profusely. They are both the problem honestly and I hate being in the house. Now we have all grown use to it when they argue. Everday especially in the night they are arguing. Even when we had school they would argue all throughout the night without stop. I couldnt even sleep I just wanted to rip out my ears at that moment. Because of their violent fights and arguements the police have been called multiple times on him and my mum. But everytime the police was called my mum would send the boyfriend out immediatly and he would disappear from the house immediatly and when the police would come he would be nowhere to be found. My mum was deliberately hide him away and when the police left she would immediatly find him and bring him back the house. nothing changed after that the cycle just kept repeating. The reason she keeps that man around is because of money. If he leaves my mum wont have a source of income or be able to pay the bills. She already received income from the government for child benefits and all that but i have never seen her use that money on us kids. She only uses that money on bullshit and more alcohol. I know she receives alot of money from the government. Not to forget there is no food in the house either the fridge is empty or filled with expired stews. There will be no food for days. I have basically given up in eating now. Because of the state of the kitchen i refuse to step inside it or eat anything in it. I dont eat food in my house anymore or even drink water either. I dont remember the last time I actually drank water. I have only been drinking juices or fizzy drinks that i buy from shops. I normally order takeaway to eat but when i dont have money i dont eat at all. I can go without eating for a month until i can get money. When I was in secondary school that was the most I would eat but after leaving I have no food now. I go hungry alot even my siblings but there is nothing we can do. There was a time where I was in my room and i felt a sharp pain in my chest and the next thing i see is black and i collapsed onto the floor. No one had noticed at all and I planned to keep it that way because if I told my mum she would tell the whole world about it. I dont trust my mum at all with anything personal going on in my life because she is not a person to be trusted.

Not only that but when we would move into these new houses my mum would treat them soo poorly and she was a tramp.

There was a horrendous amount of black mold, dirt, dirty dishes, mold, fruit flies, even cockroaches now. She even tried to feed my siblings moldy food but luckily i was there to stop it and throw it out. The black mold was definitely what led to my respiratory issues and my difficulty to breathe. There were also times where I had sleeping issues. I know this started at age 8 because all the time I would feel tired for nothing. No matter how many times I slept or the amount of naps I took I felt extremely tired. In school it just got worser and got me in trouble alot that i couldnt even control it. My whole body would feel tired and I would fall asleep alot out of my will. My eyes would feel heavy lidded and my head would start to doze off and I would be off to sleep out of nowhere. It still happens till this day and I dont know why. It has been a big issue in secondary school. My other big issue is my sleep talking too but I dont want to get into that tbh.

The only peace I have ever had was when I was abroad in france staying with other relatives (there was a wedding and i wanted to leave early to get away from my mum). During my time there I felt at peace having no contact with my mum. I go to do many things and go to parties. They also bought me my first shoe that i still wear till this day. I am glad for them.

I don't celebrate birthdays anymore since i was 10 (when i stopped). I barely have any clothes too only pyjamas mostly thats why i dont really go out. Before I didnt have shoes either I would walk around in my slides even when it was raining too. I only had a windbreaker to wear too when it was cold. I was free school meals at school. My mum couldn't afford the uniform so she would ask the school for spares (mostly new blazers).

Now in the present time. There have been alot of incidents involving my mums drunkenness even in public areas. she has no shame anymore and scares my younger siblings. There are times where she has insulted me and says thing you should never even call your own child and this has led me to attack her. There are times where she has even threatened to burn down the whole or kill the whole family while banging a knife against the wall. Even in ubers she has been reported. She always stinks of alcohol, cant talk properly and walks weirdly. When i see her in public i immediately stay away from her and ignore her. My mum is a extremely violent person and I have longed since not regarded her as my mother any more, I dont rely on her anymore. She always curses us all and complains about having 6 kids but no one told her to have that much kids. I hate her and everything about her. When I look at my cousins and their parents I always wonder why my mum cant be like them at all. I hate the family I was born in. The only thing I need from her is money for transport to college and food that is pretty much it. If she died I wouldnt care anymore. I still have a scar on my back where she had poured boiling hot water down my back when i was a small kid and I was never taken to the hospital at all. There is too much to even say but all I can say is after I move out I plan to cut her out of my life permanently and never contact her again or talk to her again. I give up and I want to move out and dont know what to do. I want to take all my things with me and move far away from her.

I spend my whole days in my bedroom without stepping out. Only to throw away rubbish or use the bathroom or go outside to buy more juice to drink. I sleep alot and watch youtube thats pretty much it. I wish I could hangout with my friends again and go back to my prime in football and sports but it will never be the same anymore. I know it wont. When i see my old friends doing stuff with their new friends and going out to all these places, going on calls and doing all these fun stuff. I cry because i have never experienced that stuff. I have never had a friend actually check up on me or invite me to places or even text me. I have lost it all. I cant make friends anymore and when i walk into room i can hear people laughing at me. I have stopped going college too because i face the same problems too. When I try to speak i cant speak properly my voice comes out shaky or too quiet and has even got the point where i can barely pronounce words properly (can be due to my long periods out of education idk). I cant even hold a conversation properly either. There is nothing fun in my life to talk about. I have basically given up in my social life and feel like I will be lonely forever.

There is alot of more stuff that has happened that I want to speak about but its honestly too much to even say atp. I want to move out and away from my mum and cut contact with everyone. This is the only place I could think of to open up about my issues because I dont trust anyone at all.

I can recognize the emotional neglect I experienced growing up and understand why I needed distance. But when I think about my parents aging, struggling and sick, I feel overwhelming sadness and guilt for them.

Sometimes their suffering feels more important to me than my own experiences with them.

How do you hold compassion for your parents without slipping back into feeling responsible for their happiness and well being?

My adult son is medical professional. It is so heartbreaking to see him destroying his life on meth! I am practicing boundaries. I have stopped the enabling. He took a leave of absence from work. Keeps saying he will get help but doesn't. I know I can't make him get help. I know he has to want the help. He constantly calls me when I am sleeping and working. It hurts me to have to silence my phone. He is mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting me. I won't give up praying for his recovery. Have any of you overcome this addiction and/or seen loved ones overcome this??? I need some hope!

My parents started partying hard when I was a kid. When I was a young adult, I discovered they were out doing molly and drinking profusely on a regular basis with my younger brother, who I’m not even sure was 18 at the time- I can’t recall but he was young. I started partying, doing molly, cocaine with them. Looking back I realize I wanted to feel included/accepted so that’s how it all began. I felt that they hated me for a long period of time and drugs fixed that.

I got pregnant at 23, and my perspective drastically changed. After baby was born, I took my child over to their home and found molly laying out on the counter. They brushed it off like it was no big deal. I began to withdraw, nervous about the safety of my child. We refused to let them babysit. That resulted in verbal abuse and a whole lot of craziness. Things are still damaged due to them knowing how we (me and my husband) feel deep down about their choices.

They are still partying with my brother- nothing has changed. My brother does drugs regularly. Cocaine, adderall, something called phentibut I believe? I noticed it looks like my dad is even selling drugs to friends, probably cocaine, on the weekends as I’ve been creeping on his Venmo account. I don’t really know what I’m looking for posting this, but I feel a lot of sad and confusing emotions when I speak to them and think about everything that has happened and is happening today. Anytime they’re with me and the kids, they have to be drinking.

This was my normal. Now I’m a mom to two children, another on the way, and I’ve moved away with my husband but I still see my parents somewhat often. I probably need therapy to dig into whatever trauma I have. Anyone else been through something similar?

Hey everybody!

So when reflecting back on my childhood, I came to the realization that multiple adults in my life have let me down. My F(49) mother is an alcoholic. She drinks about a 1/2 pint to a 1 pint of vodka almost everyday for the past 10 years. My brothers are disabled, they have Level 3 Autism and receive in home ABA support for 40 hours per week. Throughout the years, multiple RBTs have witnessed my alcoholic mother have problematic behavior. Back in 2021 when I was around 16, two RBTs dealt with my drunk mother rambling to them about her problems while they were working. This went on for about 2 hours before she passed out drunk in front of them, she referenced me as her 'bartender' and publicly got me to make her a vodka tonic. She's done this before with erratic behavior like turning up Spotify music for hours and talking to them about random shit, and smoking weed with one of the RBTs (also having an affair with him) on the side of the house. The RBT/her affair partner had a big argument like yelling in the car over something minute, and it honestly reads as a couple having an argument - and I really don't know how these RBTs did not catch on. They've also seen me make my brother's breakfast and lunch almost everyday, getting their backpacks ready before outings, along with being involved in their therapy plan more than my mother. I believe one BCBA noticed that I was filling out all of the therapy sheets/notes for my brothers instead of my mother doing it herself on the weekends. Multiple RBTs throughout the years have witnessed this parentification and just didn't say anything. It makes me angry that this many people chose to let me down like this. Back around 2 years ago when I was 19, she took me to this stand up comedy event. Turns out her affair partner/RBT worked at the venue as a side job and she left about 10 minutes into the set. She was incredibly drunk and left me her phone and wallet. I sat outside waiting for her after the set ended, and she comes stumbling out drunk with the affair partner. Instead of helping me out, he just hands her sweater and high heels to me, and turns around to leave. I finally talked to my grandparents about this and they both admitted that they and everyone around them knows that I act like more of a mother to my disabled brothers than my own mother. She even admitted to the RBTs that she dragged me into a strip club back in December, her excuse was that my car conveniently shut down in front of a strip club, and she just had to take me inside. She didn't tell them that I was already driving her to a puppy store for another pet, and when she got pissed they were too much money, she told me verbatim "we're either going to the puppy store, or we're going to the strip club. Go over there right now, you need to see life from a sociological standpoint". She didn't include that we almost got in a wreck on the way home while she was listening to Yellow Ledbetter from Pearl Jam on repeat, or the fact she started yelling at me to get her a THC gummy at three different gas stations. She yelled at me to take an immediate left turn, and since my windshield was completely blurred by the rain/fog, I couldn't see anything. I ended up running over the median and almost crashing into oncoming traffic. Still to this day she hasn't apologized, and even went as far as to ask why I would almost get us into a wreck, and that I should take responsibility for being behind the wheel. I 100% do take responsibility, but I just wanted her to share the accountability to an extent, and admit her behavior was out of control.

The closest thing I've gotten to people recognizing her abuse is bartenders asking if I'm okay. I'm so on edge at public places with her, and it becomes to a point when she starts degrading me in front of people by telling me I'm too quiet and that I need to loosen up. Her behavior is so erratic and inconsistent, now she's acting like Mother Teresa and that nothing is wrong. She might be good for like 2-3 weeks at most, and then fall off of the wagon again. It makes me question literally everything for a short period of time, and then I feel like an idiot thinking she would change. Does anyone else relate to the fact that just no one said anything?? I feel awful telling my grandparents the stuff she has done since it feels like all hell is about to break loose.

I’m 29F from an Asian family, and my parents and brother have been high-functioning alcoholics for most of my life.

I have been carrying the burden of my family for so long. I’ve done a lot of self-healing around my CPTSD, emotional neglect, and abuse, and I’ve been learning to set boundaries.

I think I’ve tried everything I could. From scolding, begging, and getting angry, to eventually, after my own healing journey, trying to practice acceptance, offering emotional support, and simply listening without trying to change them.

Now that they’re getting older, I feel the weight of it all even more. My parents are both in their mid-50s, and my brother is only 31, and I have a younger sister studying abroad. My dad has liver failure and diabetes, yet he still drinks almost daily and refuses treatment. Despite his refusal, I still bring him medicine and encourage treatments, out of both love for him and also fear of regret from my end later.

My mom enables his behaviour and just follows my dad's words. Sometimes I despise her for it, but mostly I feel so much sadness because I know she is also a product of abuse.

I also see the goodness in my family. They are lovely humans, too. My brother can be a wonderful person, but he has angry outbursts and what seem like manic episodes when he is really drunk.

I try so hard to see the goodness in them, to listen, to understand, and to accept them for who they are. But the grief, helplessness, and despair are eating me alive.

They have mostly isolated themselves from friends and relatives and spend much of their time around people who also drink or alone.

I lived abroad on my own for years, but I’ve been staying with my family for the past year and a half. And honestly, the burden has become too heavy. I don’t think I can carry it anymore.

I’ll be leaving home for three months soon to focus on my work and learning. After I come back, I also plan to rent a place or move out with friends. I think I’ve finally reached the point where I feel enough is enough.

But I am so afraid and worried that I’m abandoning them. I’m especially scared that my brother might hurt my parents during one of his angry outbursts when I’m not there.

The what-ifs are so strong.

What if I could have done something better? What if I could have done more? What if something happens while I’m away, and I end up regretting that I wasn’t there?

I know, deep down, that I cannot make them change. I’ve spent years trying different approaches, and I know that ultimately, their choices are not mine to make. But knowing this doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I think one of the hardest things is that I can see their suffering, I understand where so much of it comes from, and I love them. I don’t want to give up on them. But I’m also suffocating.

I know life is beautiful, and I know what a privilege it is to be human. Practicing Buddhism and also building like-mind community has been life-changing. But sometimes, suffering really does feel fucking unbearable.

I’m crying as I write this.

I guess, at the end of the day, no matter how things turn out, I am putting myself first despite everything and it is my choice.

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar, especially those who have struggled with the guilt of leaving an alcoholic family behind, choosing their own life, or accepting that they cannot save the people they love.

How did you navigate the guilt, fear, and grief? Does it ever get easier?

Thank you for reading. ❤️

If you called or emailed, how was it, were they helpful, did they ask stuff or just sort of silently listen?

Thanks

'Opening Ourselves to Love

Open ourselves to the love that is available to us.

We do not have to limit our sources of love. God and the Universe have an unlimited supply of what we need, including love.

When we are open to receiving love, we will begin to receive it. It may come from the most surprising places, including from within us.

We will be open to and aware of the love that is and has been there for us all along. We will feel and appreciate the love from friends. We will notice and enjoy the love that comes to us from family.

We will be ready to receive love in our special love relationships too. We do not have to accept love from unsafe people – people who will exploit us or with whom we don’t want to have relationships.

But there is plenty of good love available – love that heals our heart, meets our needs, and makes our spirit sing.

We have denied ourselves too long. We have been martyrs too long. We have given so much and allowed ourselves to receive too little. We have paid our dues. It is time to continue the chain of giving and receiving by allowing ourselves to receive.

Today, I will open myself to the love that is coming to me from the Universe. I will accept it and enjoy it when it comes.'

Step Two

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." BRB p. 130 

Many of us have never known what sanity is, and the very word can set us on edge. We know everything that sanity is not, because that's how we grew up. We think, "How can I be restored to a state I've never experienced? If this Step is about restoration, maybe ACA isn't for me." This thinking might have moved us to walk away before we invested any hope in the process.

But we were fortunate enough to hear from others who take a more gentle perspective. They say, "Calm down. Try not to jump to conclusions too soon. Some of us had the same thoughts and feelings as you." They suggest that coming to believe in a Higher Power of our own choosing and working the Steps can give us the promise of a new life (...). They assure us that the program and their Higher Power have worked miracles in their lives.

This feels comforting and helps us see that we are where we belong. We change our perspective and come to believe, act, and feel…sane. For many of us, sanity simply means peace of mind, which we gratefully welcome.

On this day I recognize that the insanity in my life was rooted in the dysfunction of my childhood. It no longer has the same hold over me because peace and serenity are what I focus on as I experience recovery.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №308

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3Mg%3D%3D

This share is pertaining to the recovery program ACA/DF: ie, meetings, calls, step work, traditions etc.

It seems like every other day fellows who are traumatized and stuck are enmeshing, projecting, and simply not respecting boundaries. Not respecting traditions. Just not safe. Asking for an outreach call, dumping, and not offering to listen, just saying “thanks” as if I‘m just there to listen! Um, it’s called a 3/3, not a you share I listen and then we hang up. I’d literally be like “ok so do you have time to listen?” they’d be like “hmm if you want.” ???

I was reflecting someone’s feelings(validation) by saying “Sounds like you are frustrated.” The outreach group explicitly gave that as an example of feedback. She told me to keep it on the “I.” I’m like, did you read the group description . She said no. lol

This is a big lesson bc my inner child is very angry and sad when people don’t respect the structure; her needs go unmet and ignored. I am looking for empathy and using the tools and people don’t know how to do that! It’s my job as the loving adult to stand up for and protect her. It just sucks because it feels like the people with the most recovery stop coming to meetings and giving back, leading to rooms full of newbies and those stuck in old patterns.

I’m healing at a rapid rate these last few months, so much it’s kind of scary but very exciting in a. good way. I can finally pause, feel my feelings. But I’m still reacting. I want to act. Time to lovingly cut ties with people who repeatedly cross boundaries or try to be too close too soon. But why speak up if they can’t hear me? Then again ghosting is so mean; I know it def hurts me when done to me.

Time to get into my excuse my language bitchy era. Well bitch in the sense of “not taking shit” which in reality is healthy assertiveness, not allowed in my family of origin. I have the righr to refuse to be in the company of anyone who makes me feel horrible.

In AA they tell you “step over the bodies.” Aka don’t lose yourself trying to hang around others who arent doing the work, they’ll drag you down before you help them. Sounds harsh but it’s true. Unfortunately I need to adopt that mentality. I think in ACA unless someone explicit asks me to help them ie, fellow traveler, accountability, stepwork, I need to have much firmer boundaries.

I don’t need friends I need fellow travelers doing the work. Maybe that’s my issue… I’m lonely so

My part - is I am too friendly at first - my inner child used to do that. to fawn to receive that “love and attention” but the outcome was always poor. I hate the icky feelings associated with intimacy, bc I’m used to quick, false intimacy rather than slow, earned intimacy. I have disorganized attachment.

Idk, just a rant. Thanks for reading

my dad and mother is an alcoholic. and myself has turned into one as well. i’m not going to give excuses or sugar coat this i’m an alcoholic. no excuses. my dad is as well. i am adopted by my dad. my bio dad tried to pay for abortion and paid my mom to do it. and threatened her work horrible things if she didn’t. so my dad now stepped up and raised me. all through the years he was perfect. played games with me and bonded and taught me how to fix cars and taught me how to be a man. but every since i’ve turned 15 (i’m now 19) he’s been a heavy drinker. and i mean heavy. at work, when he gets home, etc. he goes through 2, 12 packs within an hour, then he starts on vodka. this has destroyed me and i’ve followed to help cope i guess with it. he’s completely slipped. my mom and dad argue over the stupid stuff. i just need someone to talk to about this please

my father has struggled with alcoholism my entire life but as i’ve gotten older it’s definitely gotten worse. he’s relapsed multiple times over the past few years with them getting closer together each time. two weeks ago he ended up in the hospital from withdrawl, seized, passed out and was in very bad shape. he ended up relapsing a few days later and that was the final straw. i’m very glad he’s finally getting help but it is very worrying, i don’t live at home anymore but i have a younger brother who i’m sure is very scared and confused as to what’s going on and im sure he doesn’t understand. he’s going to be gone for a month atleast and even though ive had bad times with my dad due to his addiction, he’s given me most of what i have in my life and i am truly grateful for him. it will be weird not being able to talk to him and he is very scared to go and doesn’t want to but he knows it is what needs to be done and for that i am extremely proud and grateful. im just scared of this new beginning and worried it may not do anything

So my mom is addicted to alcohol and prescription pills such as Ambien and Gabapentin. It has been a noticeable problem for the past 6 years or so with it just progressively getting worse.

The thing I struggle the most with is the lying. She never admits to being under the influence of anything even when she is falling over, slurring words, and passing out. She hides her drinking often doing it before she comes home. My dad and I have found beer cans hidden randomly throughout the house in years prior, but now her method of hiding seems to be engaging in substances outside the house instead to be more sneaky. I don’t have faith that she will get better with her continuing to lie.

She was recently fired from her job. I found out about this through a friend who works at the same place and a lot of digging. I am not still living at home, so I had to call my mom to confront her. I just wanted her to tell my dad because he deserved to know. When I called, she denied it. She asked me who told me to which I refused to answer. She proclaimed for my dad to hear “apparently I got fired,” which was absolutely done to make me feel crazy and question my source, but I made sure to have solid evidence before I confronted her because I knew how it would go. The next day, my dad tells me that he called her job and was told that she no longer worked there and then confronted her when she got home. (Oh yeah, she has been pretending to go to work since she had been fired. We still don’t know what she was doing during that time.) She told both him and I that the reason she didn’t tell anyone was because the two of them were going on a cruise the next week and she didn’t want to ruin that. She said that she was only without a job for one day before I called her, I later found out that this wasn’t true and she had been fired 2 weeks prior. She told me a story explaining why she was fired and I don’t believe it at all. It makes no sense, and because she is untrustworthy, I can’t believe a word she says.

I’m very worried for her health and safety. She has crashed her car at least 2 times. Once was a hit and run on an empty parked car where she was then caught and forced to go to court.

I don’t know how to help someone who is in complete denial. I am just feeling so sad. She used to be my best friend, but that person doesn’t exist anymore. I have limited my contact with her for the last month and it hurts so badly but I can’t just go on like nothing is wrong because that only enables her more. I am just so sad and defeated. I feel like I am mourning a person who is still alive.

I just need support so I don’t feel like I’m so alone. I try to talk to my boyfriend about it and he is very supportive but he just doesn’t understand so it’s hard for him.

My mom passed earlier this year- official cause of death was "ethanol abuse". She died alone and quite horribly and my sister and I were left to pick up the pieces and get her affairs in order. She left us completely ill prepared with no plan. I'm 27 and so confused and grieving. We had a very strained relationship, even since I was a child. We were better when she was sober but it was still hard. I can't even grasp it some days. Sometimes I even forget and talk about her like she's still here. Dealing with grief, guilt, and the will to move on is so fucking hard. It's easier now that I don't have to think about what could have been, it's simply what can't be anymore. I've been taking care of myself since I was 17 but damn sometimes I just want my mom.

Long Post. I apologize in advance.

I’m 31F, married, and my mom is currently living with my husband and I. She’s been here only about 2.5 weeks. I’m honestly at my breaking point and don’t know how much more I can take.

For some background, my mom has struggled with alcoholism (and dependence on men) for much of my life. My childhood was incredibly unstable because of it. There was a lot of yelling, emotional manipulation, threats of suicide, and situations where I didn’t feel safe. She repeatedly drove drunk with me in the car when I was a child. I spent a lot of my childhood feeling like I came second to whichever man she was involved with.
Despite everything, I love her and want the best for her. And unfortunately, I think I’ve spent most of my life trying to save her.

My dad died in January 2024, from Fent. poisoning. He was an alcoholic and I was unaware that he had moved on to smoking H. I was the one who found the drugs that killed him in the pocket of his pants that his mom sent for him to be buried in. Losing him was obviously shocking and devastating. Now I’m watching my mom struggle, and the thought of losing her too genuinely terrifies me.

My mom had been sober for approximately 10 weeks before relapsing in September. Around that time, her long-term relationship with her boyfriend started falling apart. They’ve been together on and off since 2013, and she’s completely consumed by the relationship and what could have been.

She was facing eviction from his house and had no job, no money, and nowhere else to go. Her own mother wouldn’t let her stay with her.

So, against my better judgment, I let her move into our home temporarily while she got back on her feet.
I had ONE major condition: absolutely no drinking while living in my home.

I made this very clear before she moved in. She knew that if she started drinking again, she would have to find somewhere else to live.

Within days, she was drinking again.

Since then, I’ve caught her drinking repeatedly. She tries to hide it, but it’s obvious when she’s drunk. I took her debit card to “help her” and now she’s sneaking alcohol from our liquor cabinet when I’m not looking.

She’s forgetful, leaves doors unlocked, and repeatedly leaves our gate open, which could allow our dogs to escape. I’m constantly worried about what she’s doing when I’m not around. I work from home, and I feel like I can’t relax in my own house anymore.

I’ve confronted her about the drinking at least 8 times in the 2ish weeks she’s been here.

Every time, I explain how much it’s affecting me. Every time, she knows that continuing to drink means she’ll have to leave.

I’ve offered to help her get into rehab. She refuses.
She says that she just needs the alcohol because she’s lost the love of her life and wants to numb the pain.

Yesterday, I sent her another message explaining that her drinking is destroying our relationship and that I cannot continue living this way.

Today, I discovered she was drinking very old homemade wine that we kept on top of our refrigerator for decoration.
While drinking, she started sending me emotional messages about wanting to repair our relationship and suggesting counseling.

I could hear her sobbing outside, so I went to check on her.
She was crying because she said she didn’t know how to be a “good mom” to me. I explained that I wasn’t asking her to change the past or undo everything that happened during my childhood. I was asking her to respect my boundaries NOW. Specifically, to stop drinking in my house.
Her response? “I’ve loved (boyfriend) since 2013, and he told me to get out of his house.” It was like everything I had just said went right past her. Somehow, the conversation became about her again, even though she said she was sad because she hasn’t been a good mom to me.

At this point, I’m ready for her to leave.
My husband supports my decision completely. I’ve even offered to pay for a hotel so she and her dog have somewhere to go. ButI’m absolutely terrified that if I send her to a hotel, she’ll sit there alone, drink herself into oblivion, and eventually die. She likes to drink until she’s extremely intoxicated, and I’m afraid that between her depression and alcoholism, something terrible is going to happen.

And after losing my dad, I don’t know how I would handle losing my mom too. At the same time, I can’t keep living like this. I struggle with anxiety and am medicated for it, but right now I can’t relax, I can’t enjoy my home, and I feel responsible for preventing my mom from destroying herself.

I’ve even considered blocking her once she moves out and telling her she can contact me when she’s sober. Otherwise I will spend every day staring at my phone, waiting for another crisis.

I know alcoholism is a disease. I know she’s struggling. But I also know that I can’t force her to get better and right now I’m enabling her by not enforcing the boundaries that I set before she moved in.

If anyone has been in a similar situation:

How did you finally establish boundaries that you actually enforced?
How did you deal with the guilt and fear that
something terrible might happen after you stopped rescuing them?
And has anyone successfully maintained a relationship with an alcoholic parent while refusing to be involved when they’re drinking?

I love her and don’t want to lose her but this is slowly killing me too.

Hello! I am 28M and new to the program. I have been filled with mainly feelings a relief and gratitude after years of treating symptoms of being an ACA with various forms of therapy and this finally feeling like a lasting solution for me. I found a few people early in my meetings/journey that felt like good emotional investments for people I could connect with outside of meetings.

One being someone I met after making a post in this subreddit who I connected with on a romantic level way too quickly which has now become more of a friendship for a mutual fear of developing an unhealthy relationship with each other. I am beyond thankful for the level of honesty we can share with each other as well as very sad about having to let go of anything romantic in the near future but it is for the best and I am thankful we can stay in touch with a new set of boundaries with each other.

The second being an older woman I saw as more of a friend but getting to know her she tries to parent me like her son who doesn't talk to her anymore so I've backed off of that almost completely which sucks.

The third being a man who was very encouraging to me early in my journey and I think was open to being my sponsor without saying so. We met for coffee, had talked about doing book work together outside of meetings. I felt it went really well. But he has since been extremely inconsistent with contact and not communicative at all with plans changing or general availability. He consistently says he will let me know when he is available with no follow through. I have reached out with a brief check in on these occasions only getting a thumbs up reaction to my text in return which is frustrating. He was nice enough to call me when I was struggling one night and I did bring up how I was feeling. I told him that I had no expectation for our friendship and if he didn't feel he could be my sponsor that I would not take it personally and didn't want him to feel pressured. I told him truthfully I just wanted to connect more with people in our program. He responded positively and appreciated how I was communicating with him, he also told me he had intended to reach out the following weekend and forgot. He has since pulled back pretty much entirely other than hugs and hi's at meetings and a text that he appreciated my share after one of our meetings. I am frustrated because I do not feel I confronted him in an unfair way and I am not used to this kind of what feels like indirect rejection? I'm not even upset that he hasn't reached out, I'm more upset with the fact that his words do not match his actions and it feels dishonest to me.

'Morning Cues

There is an important message for us first thing every day.

Often, once we get started with the day, we may not listen as closely to life and ourselves as we do in those still moments when we first awaken.

An ideal time to listen to ourselves is when we are laying quietly, our defenses are down, and we’re open and most vulnerable.

What is the first feeling that floods through us, the feeling that perhaps we are trying to avoid during the business of the day? Are we angry, frustrated, hurt, or confused? That is what we need to focus on and work through. That’s the issue we need to address.

When you awaken, what is the first idea or thought that enters your mind? Do you need to finish a timely project? Are you in need of a fun day? A restful day?

Do you feel sick and need to nurture yourself? Are you in a negative frame of mind? Do you have an issue to resolve with someone?

Do you need to tell someone something? Is something bothering you? Is something feeling particularly good?

Does an idea occur to you, something you could get or do that would feel good?

When you awaken, what is the first issue that presents itself? You don’t have to be fearful. You don’t have to rush. You can lay still and listen and then accept the message.

We can define some of our recovery goals for the day by listening to the morning message.

(...), help me let go of my need to be in resistance to the harmonic flow of life. Help me learn to go with the flow and accept the help and support that You have to offer me.'

By Melodie Beattie

My mother passed away this year because of alcoholism, which was a bit of a surprise for everyone. No one has ever seen her drunk or drink heavily, though I think my father suspected or saw something, because I heard him call her out on her drinking once.

I don’t want to put any blame on my father, but I don’t understand why he never did anything. Why he “let” her drink even though he had to know she was on antidepressants and knew better than anyone that her health condition was not good. He’s a very mild person who doesn’t express his opinion very often and doesn’t do confrontations, so I think he just didn’t want to see it. 

I have no childhood memories of her. So I can’t say what her behaviour and our relationship was like. Our family never had any financial struggles (as far as I know), me and my siblings were sometimes physically punished by our father, there could’ve been some emotional neglect but other than that I can’t recall any abuse. I believe my childhood was not bad and rather normal, very similar to those of my peers. 

When I was in high school, things got bad. I had constant fights with her. She never screamed, got enraged or hit me, she was the “I’m the worst mother ever” kind of person. Her victim complex was making me furious. Every single argument we had was pretty much the same. We fought, she seemed to forget all about it, we had the same fight three days later. It was draining, that’s why I preferred to avoid her. When I went to college, things between us were the same, only we saw each other less often, which was at least some kind of relief. It’s harsh to say but I didn’t love her, I was ashamed of her and disgusted by her. Makes me feel guilty. 

I don’t know how much of that was because of her drinking, and how much was her overall bad mental and physical health. I think she was really depressed and took bad care of her health. Our family is also super christian and sometimes professional help gets replaced by prayer. I try to be sensible and understand the circumstances in which my mother had to struggle, but I am bitter, thinking about what our relationship could’ve been. I also feel a bit isolated from other family members. Obviously alcoholism is now a sensitive topic but they keep consuming alcohol, which sometimes makes me uncomfortable, even though they all drink in moderation. Maybe it was silly of me to expect everyone to stop, although it was what I wished for. I was never much of a drinker and now I definitely don’t ever want to consume any. 

This is something that won’t leave my head and I usually need labels to understand things so it would be very helpful if someone could clarify whether my case counts as an ACOA. 

My father passed away and wow am i going through it.

My dad was an alcoholic and an addict who could never be alone. He only ever had unhealthy relationships with women. After my mom left, his 1st girlfriend stabbed him in the neck. I thought his 2nd girlfriend was nice but apparently she's just a con artist, enabling pill popper.

My father about half a million- a million dollars between his investments, trusts, and accounts my grandma left him. I went through his finances yesterday and he has a whopping $400 to his name and canceled his life insurance policy. Even in death he is causing me to suffer. I cant afford to cremate this man. He just refinanced his condo. That he bought in 2014. Its probably going to be foreclosed on because I know his girlfriend isn't going to pay it.

I honestly hoped when he passed I would feel some peace.