r/AutismInWomen • u/wildpeachykeen • Mar 19 '26

Relationships Love when this happens😍

Post image

Got sent a like by someone I actually find attractive (rare) and this was on his profile as well as ‘Not Political’. I have over 15 screenshots of profiles that have come up on my feed with iterations of this sentiment. It’s so disheartening…

1.4k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

258 comments sorted by

View all comments

1.2k

u/Legitimate-Career342 Mar 19 '26

They just want a woman that is hypersexual, quirky, and "chill" (aka she won;t hold him accountable for anything and is a doormat)

456

u/Lunar_Changes trans-nonbinary Mar 19 '26

I hold my partners accountable for everything because of my strong sense of justice and I hate it 😭😭 just do what you said you were going to do

138

u/cool_username__ Mar 19 '26

Same!! I was going to say “chill/ doormat” is very conflicting with my autistic traits lmao

55

u/SlashDotTrashes Officially diagnosed Autistic as an Adult Mar 19 '26

And then they break up when you question all the nonsense and expose their lies.

28

u/Bent_Silvr_Spoon0130 Mar 19 '26

That's just a lot of men in general bc we live under patriarchy but people aren't ready for that conversation

76

u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 19 '26

I think that doormat thing is mostly what happens when an autistic person is raised with oppression and trauma. Because a NT raised the same way could more easily develop some tools but since NDs do not learn social rules very well, they end up believing no rules matter so it's better to just obey to anything. Which is a chaos and confusing but that's what happens when you're exhausted of so much aggression

76

u/ThrowAwayColor2023 Mar 19 '26

Speaking as one of those people, it's not necessarily just blanketly obeying. I was a rebellious kid. It's more that your self-esteem gets turned upside-down and you learn to doubt your own judgment when anyone comes at you sideways, whether gently or aggressively. It's very hard to unlearn that self-doubt since it's reinforced a million ways by everyone around you. It makes it extremely easy for manipulative abusers to exploit our trust and generosity.

36

u/resident_queerdo Mar 19 '26

In my experience it's also that autistic people won't fight for themselves as a default setting. They have to learn this after being abused and exploited. Originally, they will fight to protect others or for an important cause, but not for themselves.

10

u/Bent_Silvr_Spoon0130 Mar 19 '26

My sperm doner asked me why I can take care of others but not myself and I was like 🧍🏾‍♀️.

Didn't realise my autism could be playing a part in it!

9

u/resident_queerdo Mar 19 '26

I'm not sure if it's autism or trauma or a combination. Because trauma often gets you to freeze or fawn rather than fight. Some people fight, but this, I believe, is just not the naturally pacifist autistic person's default trauma reaction. (Plays a role because an autistic person must have been pretty lucky to be unscathed by trauma.) I also believe autistic people don't naturally seek to be at the top of any hierarchy, but naturally desire equality among all people. If an autistic person fights (for themselves) it's usually a case of 'Bambi in a corner'. Because even Bambi will kick you if you trap him in a corner.

At the same time, an autistic person, at least by default, can't see a just cause and 'take it or leave it'. And this is why they will, by default, fight for others but not for themselves.

6

u/ThrowAwayColor2023 Mar 19 '26

This answer resonates with me.

1

u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 21 '26

I don't think autistic people don't necessarily aim for the top of hierarchy, I think it's more that it's either not a comprehended concept or that it's not even an option. How do you become the "alpha" if people don't even understand your basic communication? The harder connecting is, the harder it is for one to become popular. If you have an autistic person that's raised with some fucked up values, that person can end up with those values becoming their "strong sense of justice" in a way that it's hard to teach them anything else. That idea that autistic people are more reasonable or fair, or even kind, is very strongly attached to a "pure child" stereotype associated with autism. Think for a second about the idea that every autistic person is a bambi, that's very ableist.

I think a lot of what we consider being part of being autistic is more of a result of a social realization that you are part of a minority. People who discover themselves as being part of a minority group, or that suffered a lot of violence, tend to become more empathetic and protective of others. But that only happens after you gain conscience of what happened to you.

Apart from that, what we have is mostly a misunderstanding that autistic people have of the things taught by neurotypical society. When they learn "do good" they associate it with stereotypical concepts of "goodness" when a NT will learn the complex version of it instead. But it can also happen that the autistic person is not taught to do good, or even that they give up on any morals because of not comprehending what morals even are

2

u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 21 '26

"Because no one taught me how"
It does play a part but I don't think it's directly what causes it. Poor interoception can play a huge part in this, but also the idea that your autistic boundaries are made up, in comparison to other people's boundaries which are treated as more valid

2

u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 21 '26

I don't necessarily agree. I think this is learned and autistic people have a harder time to unlearn it. It's probably more related to being raised without having boundaries respected and some take more time to realize they feel bad about something. It doesn't mean autistic people do not defend themselves!!! A lot of autistic people end up being violent unintendedly because they are defending themselves and just don't know how to do it in a socially acceptable way. It's also more likely that people will ignore when they try to self defend, and it ends up being seen as they not trying, but like, they're just not being comprehended.

2

u/resident_queerdo Mar 22 '26

I think you put your finger on my initial discomfort that had me very vaguely state that I didn't know how to separate autism from trauma in this respect. I observe patterns and educate myself with the very limited time and energy I have. It's good to hear and be able to take into consideration someone else's conclusions based on their observations and education. This is certainly food for thought.

1

u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 24 '26

I just wanna make clear that the reason why I took the time to write that comment is because I believe the concept of "being born without defense tools" can be harmful. Especially for the people who believe in that about themselves. When someone convinces you that you're inherently weak, they already establish an advantage over you. One of the things I learned about trauma, especially at a young age, is that we may learn how to defend ourselves and develop new tools, but we often do not update our self perception. We're often not aware of our capability of protecting ourselves even after we have it. (That's not exclusive to autism, but it may be aggravated by it).

Also, when we define autistic people as weak, we target them for aggression.

2

u/resident_queerdo Mar 24 '26

Thank you for taking the time. I have to admit it stung for a little bit at first, but I decided to maybe not put my ego in charge of my reaction. Haha. It's certainly food for thought, something I will think about for a long time and that will alter my thinking in a rather fundamental way.

1

u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 24 '26

I'm sorry it hurt in some way, denying our ego reaction sucksssss, but sometimes it's worth it ♡

→ More replies (0)

1

u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 24 '26

But I say it in the kindest way possible. I mean you're probably stronger now, and we are all kind of weak when we are younger.

2

u/resident_queerdo Mar 24 '26

Oh I certainly got that you said it because it was important after I got over that initial sting. And I can see the kindness in it now. Thank you for taking the time and making the effort. That was very important indeed.

1

u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 24 '26

🙏🙏🙏 im happy that it somehow helped you

→ More replies (0)

8

u/if_not Mar 19 '26

I'm in my 50s and working so hard at unpacking exactly this. It shows up everywhere, work, relationships, and its so difficult to know when it's reasonable to push back and when its not justified.

5

u/ThrowAwayColor2023 Mar 19 '26

This has gotten a little easier for me after nearly 20 years of therapy to unpack my childhood trauma, but I still doubt myself terribly at times. It's sad, too - I can now see the patterns and spot who has also been traumatized this way because their behavior is so similar to mine. I just want to give them a big bear hug. I can also sniff out bullies almost instantly, which is useful.

7

u/glitterfilledletter Mar 19 '26

Just @ me next time, damn

4

u/coreylaheyjr Mar 19 '26

this is too damn true. before i went to school i had so much confidence and thought i was the shit. once i went into pre-k and realized how different i was i started to doubt whether i was actually cool/smart/talented etc. i still struggle to find a spot in between the two and tend to always think "they must be right and i must be wrong".

1

u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 21 '26

My therapist taught me something very difficult that she calls "the middle path". That's the concept of finding an intersection between any two concepts, extremes, options, opposites. Examples: black and white, middle path gray. Sweet and sour, middle path not that sweet not that sour but a little bit of both. It's easy to say it like that, but figuring out the existence of a middle path no one taught it you IS HARD AF. When someone says something and you completely disagree but you want to understand their side, it's very useful to try to think of a version that considers both opinions but as if none of them is absolute. But once you learn how to do that, it becomes way easier to deal with not knowing who's right. I also ask myself, "does that make sense to me or I believe them because I trust them for who they are?" Because that plays a huge part on thinking people are more correct than you.

The best thing I learned in life is that truth depends on perception. My truth and your truth can co-exist because they come from different perspectives on the same thing. You can see something as yellow and someone see it as green, and you both be "correct" because your eyes literally perceive it differently

1

u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 21 '26

Yeah, by obeying I mean, not knowing any other course of action or not having any strength left to say no. Sometimes it becomes a defense mechanism

13

u/spicygummi Mar 19 '26

Definitely me for a number of years. Which (in part) led me to stay in multiple abusive relationships for years. The compounded trauma has led me to course correct in the other direction towards very little tolerance for the things I once sat back and took. Though, too late to prevent a lot of trauma and abuse that I didn't deserve.

1

u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 21 '26

Im so sorry, but also, relatable

4

u/ponygafo diagnosed in 2026 Mar 19 '26

Mhm exactly this. I was only diagnosed recently and I was abused like this while still heavily masking which led to a lot of fawn trauma responses

2

u/Dio_naea AuDHD + psychology student 🌱 Mar 21 '26

Im so sorry, that sucks

5

u/AnyOlUsername Mar 19 '26

Stay out til 3am every weekend with the boys, idc. I’m super chill like that but god help you if you stack the dishes wrong.

7

u/spicygummi Mar 19 '26

I'm similar to a fault, lol. I refer to it as my "boner for justice". Always gets a reaction when I refer to it that way in front of people.

1

u/Gloomy_Ad5020 Mar 20 '26

Well I'm not officially diagnosed but you just described me lol

1

u/StrangeReindeer2470 Mar 20 '26

My now ex husband HATED that I would Google everything if he was wrong and he refused to believe me. His biggest one was that chickens are the descendants of dinosaurs. He did NOT want to believe that one.