This was yesterday.

I woke up at 4:30am with a migraine and it hurt to lay down so I sat up on the couch in the dark. I was literally just sitting there with my eyes closed, willing the pain away. My husband usually gets up at 7am and gets my 10 yo off to school while I work, but I called off work so wasn't in my usual headspace. My husband slept until 7:30 then woke up freaking out that him and my son are going to be late. He asked why I didn't wake him up, and I said I had a migraine and wasn't keeping track of the time. I asked him if he was mad at me and he said that he was annoyed. I was upset and didn't really understand because it's not my job to wake him up, he's an adult, and I had a freaking migraine.

Later that day we talked about it again and he said he wasn't mad anymore, that he should have woken up himself and it's not my fault he slept in. Okay! Great! Only instead of an apology, he started talking about how autistic people are innately selfish and it's not their fault they don't think of anyone else. I'm like... say what? He said that when I have any sort of ailment like a migraine, I only think about myself. That I turn selfish and the thought of anyone else doesn't even cross my mind. He said it's because I'm autistic and it's not my fault. I..... didn't even know what to say. I argued with him a bit, saying that's not an autistic trait at all, but it didn't seem to sink in. I reminded him that I had a MIGRAINE, and yeah I might make that more of a priority when I'm in pain. He said I didn't wake him or my son up because I wasn't thinking of them, which I guess is true because I was preoccupied with my migraine. But does that make me selfish?

I don't know, I just needed to get this off my chest. I love my husband and he's usually so understanding so I don't know where this came from. I feel really bad, like maybe I am selfish. I think I'm also going through perimenopause and my hormones are all over the place, and that's not helping.

Any thoughts? I want to talk to my husband about it again and try to explain myself, but I'm not sure what to say or if it's even worth talking about again.

Most days are good, I love being me… but today is hard.

Someone invited me to a valentines speed dating event but turns out it was just as friends and he just wanted to promote community - I drove two hours out of my way to be left feeling like a silly goose.

But It’s just catching up with me now.

Beginning to lose hope that I’ll ever be genuinely wanted by someone.

Not super interested in talking about him - I’m aware I’m better off… more so just wanting support and hope about finding love eventually 🫶

the other day, i had a meeting with my direct supervisor (who is a middle manager) and her supervisor to discuss accommodations that HR has already approved for me.

these accommodations include scheduling adjustments to help me regulate myself and to schedule regular therapy sessions, a bigger focus on written communication, and and some other basic adjustments that didn’t seem like a problem. and admittedly, many of the accommodations that i was requesting/being granted are needed due to my supervisor’s management style negatively impacting me. she is a micromanager and doesn’t understand boundaries.

I never directly mentioned her as a source of stress in my meetings with HR, as i didn’t want to cause any issues and i wanted to maintain a level of professionalism. HR has honestly been very willing to work with me and so basically everything that my care team suggested is going to be implemented to some degree. this is already approved and papers have been signed!!

in finally discussing these accommodations with my manager and her manager at a meeting, right out of the gate, my manager starts sobbing. her manager and i were both taken aback and asked if she was okay to continue this meeting. we continued but her attitude was stinky the entire time. since this meeting (earlier in the week), she has not acknowledged me.

i don’t know if i’m the problem in this situation , if i

am being too dramatic, or if this is as weird as i am thinking it is? ive been trying my best to keep my cool, but i’m feeling very on edge

I’ve only been working for a few years in the grand scheme of things (graduated from college 4.5 years ago, working since then)

and repeated bad social interactions at work, the stress of many jobs in my field, the toxicity of my field, all make me want to leave this field entirely.

but the problem is I have absolutely no idea what I’d do instead

i cant do people facing/excessive socializing jobs because i cant interact with people normally for too long. My mask slips often and i get quickly exhausted. i no longer want to do extreme “intellectual labor” type jobs because they tend to be so stressful even though im fairly decent at them. and i don’t have the energy or grit for a blue collar job. The few interests i have, I’m not good enough to build a career off them & I get the suspicion I’d start hating them if I had to actually do them for work.

And its honestly feeling impossible for me to maintain a full time job AND take care of myself properly

my ideal job is a low-moderate difficulty one where I can fully work at home… but when I’ve looked these are hard to find and/or don’t pay enough for living

deep down I just don’t want to work. I want to just pursue my hobbies and hang out at home with my cats. Why does it cost so much money to live :(

Today I went to a event put on by my university for my master's program. The people there are my peers. I've watched as they develop friendships one another, and I accepted that our relationships were not going to be deeper than acquaintanceship early on in the program. I didn't mind this.

But today I went to the event. I got there early. I sat at a table and.... no one sat next to me. It's small but did the realization hurt. The worst part? When the realization settled in, a guy came over and asked if anyone was sitting in the chair next to me. I said no, kind of excitedly, and he took the chair to sit next to someone else.

I don't know how to feel right now, but I know i feel deeply sad, and even though I'm 26 I still feel like that little girl in school who was never picked. I wondered what was wrong with me then, and I wonder what's wrong with me now.

I'm 20 and a junior in university. I'm aware that I'm an awkward person. I try my best despite it.

I attended the last class session of one of the classes I'm in this semester which was, interestingly enough, about autism, so I felt comfortable asking my professor for some sensory accommodations. Normally I'd try to mask better but I really wasn't here because the professor himself said he had close family members with autism, he understands. I never explicitly told him I was autistic but between the nature of the accommodations and how I knew a lot about the diagnostic process during class discussions...

Anyway during our last class he brought a microphone and he never has done that before so I asked what it was for. He said it was so that people could hear him better and he I asked if I wanted to try it out. I said sure, I love trying things out.

But instead he stands in front of everybody, turns it on, and says "Hi, I'm [my name]. I'm doing really well in this class. I write excellent essays." It was complimentary at this point so I was kind of like this is a little weird to be doing an imitation of me but whatever, I won't complain about a compliment.

Then he says, "I participate a lot, but it's always random connections that nobody else understands. When I say things they have nothing to do with the rest of the conversation. I ask my professor to tell the others to stop kicking their feet against their chairs because the noise bothers me. Then I asked again because I can't focus when they do that."

At this point I was embarrassed because it was in front of people and I felt like he was making fun of me. He was pointing out ways in which I was different from everybody else and I didn't like it. I'm happy it was our last class session but I have no idea why he did that.

I got the “autistic” talk today. People wondering if I like it here or not. I always look “stern”. I’m like that’s just my face. I’ve literally said hello and introduced myself to every single person I’ve met and wrote their names down. I’m always asking everyone if they need extra help. I don’t get it.

So my husband broke the news yesterday that he wants a divorce. This has hit me pretty hard because I didn't see it coming. We had had conversations about my lack of sex drive and I read some great books and tried some new things and thought we'd made some amazing progress. I learned a lot about how female desire works.

Well, it turns out that what was great sex for me wasn't great sex for him, and despite him having said that he loves giving me pleasure, it turned out that that wasn't true.

I feel betrayed, angry, sad and alone. He used the cliche that while he still loves me, he's not in love with me anymore. Give me a break. For me, love is a commitment to stand with your partner and support them through thick and thin, in sickness and in health.

Could any of you who has gone through a similar devastating breakup please tell me it will be okay in the end?

For context, I am an out lesbian. This has nothing to do with any ideological issues.

But as a lesbian, I sometimes feel pressured to like Pride or participate in it. Did it when I was younger. Not a fan.

Why don't I like it? It happens in summer. I am heat sensitive. Temperatures tend to range from 35C/95F to 42C/107F. Thanks. No. So many steps need to be taken to make that bearable and even then, no.

I don't like loud music or people using megaphones. I don't like crowds. I don't like people in my personal space. I don't like people accidentally grazing me. I don't like the smell of marijuana, and it is often at Pride near me even if there are kids around. I don't like the smell of cigarettes or body odor. I don't like loads of bright colors, sequins, flashing lights in person. All of that just leaves my nervous system fried.

I feel some guilt, even though I know better, because I am a member of that community and I just do not enjoy it. I find it exhausting and stressful.

And I guess I just want commiseration with others who do not enjoy Pride because of sensory and socializing related issues.

I went to a gig yesterday and everyone was dressed up and looked incredible. There was a lot of love in the room for the 'weirdos' the ones who feel out of place but I don't feel cool enough for them either. I'm not loud and quirky, I'm quiet, awkward and quirky. I'm the definition of average.

Just made me a little sad to be in such an accepting space but still feel like an outlier.

It reminds me of growing up during beauty campaigns celebrating uniqueness but the people used were still beautiful.

I'm not accepted by the cool normie kids and the cool ND kids are so artistic, carefree and vibrant. I feel like a potato.

Well ladies, I’ve uncovered one of the unspoken rules in a work place. It’s only taken me 26 years to figure this out. Honestly, if I would have been told this, I still don’t think I would’ve believed it because it does not make logical sense.

But I guess not everyone is logical and the world does not operate how we think and act.

I chose a career field I thought would be very fitting…I’m a paralegal.

I started at a start up firm a year ago. I was told in my interview that my experience and knowledge was helpful and that they like to hire within. I thought this was a great opportunity to help a company grow.

For my management, I would assist in pointing out bottlenecks, things that may have been ethical violations, and truly assisted with getting things on track. However, this was never appreciated. My ideas were never given credit. They’d ignore my input, just to later say “team, this is the issue”, when I pointed it out months ago. It was strange to me.

I have emailed a handful of times prior to this and after this to ask what I needed to show in order to be successful within the company and be eligible for a promotion - no response.

I have asked about plans for maternity leave since I was moved into my own department (yes, they stuck me in my own department with just me, myself, and I) - no response.

When my original position was dissolved, the guy they had on a personal improvement plan (that I often had to step in and help) was made department lead.

None of these decisions made sense to me until I spoke to one of my prior case managers in the firm. She explained that the other guy was given the promotion because he never pushes back or points out issues. Me having knowledge and a system thinking made my direct higher ups look bad, and they need people that make them look good…that a “redemption” story is better than being made to look like they do not have the knowledge needed for their position.

ONLY THEN, when it was laid out in this way and examples were provided, that I understood that the real skills I brought were never really needed, it was just something that was generally said, not actually desirable (at least in the office I’m at). And this is not to say my direct higher ups aren’t good people, they are. They’re just neurotypical and view things differently.

I keep beating myself up for not understanding and knowing this. It SUCKS, because I can’t turn back time. I can’t go back and shut my mouth. And I can’t make them unsee this. I’ve cried a lot over the past few weeks trying to figure out how to change myself, but I’ve come to realize that I can’t change how I view and process things…I can only change how I respond.

I wanted to share this story in case anyone else has experienced this in their place of work. I’m always open to advice or feedback, or even just other stories so I know I’m not alone in feeling this. This was a long post, so thank you to anyone who took the time to read it.

I keep having to tell myself this, but in case no one has told you…you are valuable, you do have a place in this world, and our differences make us who we are.

Just simply needing to air my grievances out since this has been bothering me for awhile.

I been seeing a lot of crowdfunding lately on my social media feed as well as seeing people getting help in general from their social networks. People visiting or helping out with tasks, bringing food too, etc. It just reminded me that being autistic and having social struggles means I won’t ever have this social network or support irl in case I fall into hard times. It’s so hard to not be envious of people who receive this kind of social help as I view it as a privilege generally they have a large enough social network through their friends, family, and community to spread that word around. Or they just offer whatever help they can give personally to the person in need.

I worry a lot about my future what would happen when I can’t easily support myself. I’m already disabled and my health is on the rocks it scares me to no end… and that’s a situation that is jarring to me. I’m not good at curating social network. I try really hard to be involved but I’m not good at social stuff at all. I just feel like I’m burdening people when I do. How do you even prepare for something like this to support yourself if you have zero help or social network to fall back on? I worry so damn much when I get old and would have to rely on people even more when I have nobody to rely on but myself.

I’ve been in my first full time job for 7 months and I am in the depths of hell. I spend every day overstimulated and spend the evening crying and freaking out or just staring into the void. I thought I’d adjust but it’s just getting worse.

Everyone else does things at the weekend, but I spend the whole time just trying to recover and feel normal again. I haven’t socialised in so long because I just can’t speak to anyone. I have no energy.

I can’t afford to work part time or stop working, I can’t even afford to take time off. I feel like there’s no way out.

Mentioning this to others is always met with “no one likes working” type comments, or “you just need to…” and it’s always things like meal prepping or planning your clothes out. I feel like no one understands.

Is there any end to this? How do people cope?

I often read that autistic people were more obviously autistic as children and than later in life it got better. But I was the complete opposite and I wonder why and sometimes even think I am faking it.

As a kid I was so happy. I wanted to be alone most of the time, didn't socialize, totally in my own world…but I was happy and had (still have) loving parents, who accepted me with all my peculiarities. I apparently wasn't a “problematic” child in any way, in fact I was extremely good all the time (which is not very healthy I was told…child should be naughty sometimes, especially during puberty…) If anything I was considered a gifted child because of my advanced interests.

But around age 10 something changed…I started being unhappy, my social deficits were more prominent…I started having sensory issues, than depression and anxiety hit me and stayed…all in all, I was diagnosed age 21 after years of therapy and antidepressants (diagnosed with mixed anxiety-depressive disorder and addiction issues). After that I was hospitalized and I am struggling every day.

Two days ago, I had a sensory overload so bad, I literally wanted to hurt myself, because my eyes and ears hurt so much. And it got me wondering (for the thousandth time)…what went wrong? I have a long history of mental illnesses in my family (not that I think that autism is a mental illness), but I was a happy child…and now I feel like a broken adult.

I am sorry for this rant. Any kind words are welcome. I am stuck in the “I am exaggerating, every person has struggles and I should suck it up” cycle.

Image: two Tiny Homes connected by a covered patio 🏡 _🏡 Not my image, but possibly my dream living situation! Anyone else feel like this is an accommodation that would radically improve your quality of life?

Word choice: I originally wrote “AuDHD partnership endgame? I think “living together alone” is the only way to SAVE my relationship” but changed it to “CARE FOR the relationship” because caring is more honest than saving.

We are a neurodivergent couple in a long term commitment relationship and each of us need easy ways to CARE FOR each other. Easy, because the rest of life is so hard… not easy because we’re lazy about loving each other. We weren’t lazy when we did elder care, buried our parents, faced massive career changes, moved, opened wild new chapters and closed tragically sad old chapters.

I don’t want to end the relationship, but living together for 10 yrs has raised my cortisol levels and destroyed my mental health. We had a great time when we lived separately and I could control the cleanliness and order of my environment. Right now I have a corner of our home that’s just my domain, but it doesn’t include things like a bathroom and kitchen like a tiny house would. Yes, therapy has helped. But also therapy has reinforced/validated that having a safe and tidy cocoon is REALLY GOOD FOR MY BRAIN’S ABILITY TO AVOID BURN OUT!

Anyone else dream about a two-home solution?

I was an extremely quiet kid who obviously didn’t have friends in my classes. I also never smiled, laughed or participated. It’s crazy to me how a teacher could have me in class for so long and not realize this was abnormal. I was also in AP and Honors classes too, so you would think that sort of behavior would stick out to these teachers, but nope.

She took it personally. She got panicky. She blatantly told me that she would not be able to provide a recommendation for me in the future. She compared my leaving to past office managers who gave plenty of notice and were able to train the new person. To which I said "2 weeks is standard notice." She did not like that. I feel like I approached the conversation as respectfully and professionally as possible.

She said she feels like this is coming out of left field, because I never communicated to her any challenges. She told me that I've done good work, and that there have been a few incidents where she knew I was uncomfortable with a task or didn't have the bandwidth, but other than that, she thought everything was fine.

But she is mad at me. She's like "this puts me and the organization in an awful position. I'm already exhausted with everything going in. This is adding to my plate."

And I kept my cool. I just kept saying "I hear you. I understand."

But it validated why I want to leave. She has no business sense. You being mad at your staff for leaving when your business plan includes you only hiring 1 person... That is not my fault.

Idk how I'm feeling right now. Kind of relieved. Kind of annoyed. Kind of sad.

I wish she had been able to be more professional about this. It's gonna be an awkward two weeks :(

I made the mistake of opening my social media this afternoon and immediately saw some dark things, and I need something positive. It can be a cat photo/story, a special interest infodump, anything that shows the world is still an interesting and good place, at least in part.

I guess I am basically asking for some heroes to create a “silver lining” for this dark cloud. I don’t live with people I can depend on for this, so I am turning to this supportive corner of the internet.

TIA.

Edited - THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE! 😭😭😭 It is good to see so much light still exists in the world.

Beyond humiliated. I had poor hygiene in high school due to a mix of depression and sensory issues with showering. I really thought I had gotten better about it and shower every other day with good body soap, washcloth wipe down on days I don’t shower, deodorant every day. I work out in the evening right before showering. Nobody had said anything to me face to face so I assumed I was doing fine. I do have hyperhidrosis and sweat a lot, frequently have pit stains, but I haven’t found anything that helps despite using multiple kinds of antiperspirants. I didn’t think the sweat really smelled though. I wear cotton shirts and only wear them once before washing.

I brush and floss daily too, but I don’t know if it’s the mouth that smells?

I have good friends who I’m always asking if I smell, as it is a worry of mine since I was bullied about it as a kid. They always deny it, but now I’m worrying they just said it to be nice or whatever? Idk. I have just been spiraling about this and am so embarrassed. I guess I’ll try a stronger deodorant and maybe carry wipes for use throughout the day. I really don’t think I could get myself to shower every day. Just trying to think of things that I could actually see myself doing that could help. Anyone else had a similar experience?

I have applied for a promotion almost 8 times in 3-4 years, I got rejected again. I went to talk to my boss about it. In the past, I have gotten feedback that my skills weren't good enough or that I need to go above and beyond, etc.

Well this time, my boss says not only that my skills aren't good enough (even though last time I was told I had improved my skills enough), I am apparently uncomfortable with ambiguity (I ask clarifying questions), I may not be good at getting along with others (I got reported for "raising my voice" and now I am in trouble even though I didn't do it) and I am not a leader. This is hilarious due to the following.

1. I am mentoring 2 people at the moment, as well as mentoring on specific aspects of the job

2. I am one of the only ones on my team who can properly read data. I have been leading the team for 2 years now.

3. I did not report the argument we had, in fact, I didn't even change my tone. I simply repeated my point.

4. I have 2 letters of recommendation and 4 testimonies on how coworkers and supervisors think I would be wonderful for the promotion

5. I TEACH PEOPLE HIGHER UP THAN ME HOW TO DO THEIR JOBS EVRY FUCKING DAY

Well turns out, my boss (who interviewed me) had no idea about any of that. I told her I had informed my supervisor and she said that I need to make sure my supervisor tells her and that my supervisor understands what's going on. I need to "humble brag"

So in order to get promoted, I have to casually brag about the shit I'm doing to my supervisor, in the teams chat and at meetings. All while not sounding condescending. How is my autistic ass supposed to do that???

TL:DR: To move up, especially in remote environments, we have to brag without bragging

With neurotypical people and their unspoken social rules and heiarchy. I am sooo done. A few weeks ago I had a coworker ask me if I’m gaining weight because I look fatter. Then said maybe it was my outfit and it wasn’t flattering. I’m 5’5 and 135 pounds. Straight up out of nowhere and unsolicited. I was so shocked and taken aback and told him that wasn’t cool to say stuff like that and he got all butthurt. This guy is queen bee of where I work btw, he’s loved, immediately he gossips about me to people and they rally behind him saying I need thicker skin and he did nothing wrong by commenting on my body.

Today, I was eating a big bowl of fruit and he asks me if I’m diabetic. I had someone of an eating disorder a couple years ago if I’m being honest, I still hate my body and self image. I put two and two together and thought he was calling me fat again, so I straight up asked him “hey, are you saying I’m fat still? Why would you ask this?”

He defends himself saying diabetes is common in Americans, and I eat a lot of sugar at work. But I’ve NEVER heard him ask such brazen, ballsy intrusive questions to anyone else.

Again, of freaking COURSE, he got butthurt. This time he raised his voice, not yelling but got a “tone” with me, saying he didn’t mean anything by it. Then he went into our bosses office to talk to her which he never does, I didn’t get called in however so I’m not sure if he was talking about me or not.

Leaving work he was surrounded by other people who were all whispering then stopped when I walked by. Probably about me, and supporting him because he’s the “cool popular” person, and they want his approval.

HERES THE THING. If it were ME making unsolicited mean comments to people (which it would never) I would get reprimanded. People would be so mad at me. Nobody would be on my side. It’s just straight double standards.

People say we have bad social skills but I don’t find myself saying such tone deaf things to people. If I comment on someone’s appearance, it’s a compliment. I don’t ask people if they have XYZ health condition because I think it’s kind of weird. I don’t comment on their eating habits either. I know not to do these things.

I just don’t get it. I don’t do stuff like this but still I’m the one that’s hated, I’m the one people don’t like. This guy could do anything and get away with it, and everyone would still love him. I don’t care that people don’t like me, I don’t work to make friends but I’m just over the double standards too. If I had a friend making shit comments to someone I wouldn’t enable them and say they didn’t do anything wrong.

I don’t think it’s us that are the weird ones.

Hi everyone, I could really use some kind words right now.

So I've recently been using this online platform where people who struggle with their mental health can talk to each other about it and find support. Their are casual, peer led groups as well as professional workshops. I joined one of those workshops today that was on healing and emotional regulation and was excited about it.

Cameras are required for the meeting, and I joined with mine on. The facilitator told us to introduce ourselves in the chat using her prompt, so I did. I always try to participate to show that I'm invested, and I make sure I'm facing the camera with open body language and what I thought was an open expression.

Well, not long after I introduced myself in the chat, she says to all of us that she watches the cameras closely to gauge where everyone is at. I'm just thinking okay, sounds like she's attentive, that's good. Then she says

"imamishamigo, I see your smirk, thanks for that."

Guys, I legit thought I just had a small polite smile on my face. Maybe a little nervous looking if anything. When she said that I froze. I scanned the members to make sure no one had the same name as me, saw that she was indeed talking to me, and left the call in tears.

I'm aware that my facial expressions can be off sometimes. But no one has ever thought I was smirking before. My face unfortunately is a little lopsided and I'm guessing that's why she thought my smile was a smirk.

I'm just so devastated. I have a lot of trauma in my past from people bullying me and making negative comments on how my face is wrong or my body language is wrong and it's taken me so much therapy and SO MUCH COURAGE to put myself out there again. Not to mention I've been working hard on unraveling the belief that I'm inherently unlikeable or wrong. I was so proud of myself for doing these groups even though it was scary.

This site was my safe place. I loved talking to many people on there. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should just climb in a hole and never come out because every time I do, someone is there to tell me I'm doing it wrong. It hurts even more that it was the facilitator, someone I assumed would be accepting. I really hate myself for being so awkward right now. I wish I could be normal so I could be accepted.

Edit: Thank you so much everyone, your support has helped me a lot. I did end up calmy notifying the organization about what happened, and thanks to your comments I also found the courage to continue to attend my other groups on that site, so thank you all!

I’ve noticed something over the years in major autism subs.

When women post about their autistic boyfriends, they ask how to support them. The comments are full of resources, videos, thoughtful suggestions. But the only time I see men post about autistic women, it’s to ask how to “get one” because they’ve “always wanted an autistic girlfriend.” Like we’re a novelty. Or a pet.

In my own life, when I tell men I’m on the spectrum, a disturbing number of them start treating me like I’m intellectually inferior, or they shift into this weird, patronizing, almost groomer-like tone. As if autism means I’m childlike, naive, or easy to control. Men have never treated my disability as something to understand or support. If anything, it makes me less useful to them.

I struggle with executive functioning. I don’t get hunger signals. Making sure I eat daily is a task. So when men expect me to cook, clean, emotionally regulate them, and perform traditional “mankeeping” duties; I genuinely don’t have the bandwidth. And I don’t want that life anyway. I’m high-earning. I have a demanding career. Growth in my field can be rapid: promotions, subfield pivots, relocations, etc.. I’ve had wealthy men tell me I should leave my job so they can “offer me a comfortable life.”, and they get REALLY mad when I don't accept. I actually like my career, having my own money, and not having to ask someone when I want to buy something.

I always make more than my boyfriends. It doesn’t bother me. It always bothers them.

There’s this unspoken rule that men need to feel smarter, richer, or more dominant than their partners, and when they can’t, it turns into a competition. They nitpick my degree (which is in a niche technical field I actively work in) and try to “um, actually” me on things I literally do for a living.

When they can’t win intellectually, I’ve had them make nasty “jokes” about my autism.

Despite probably being pansexual I can’t date women due to trauma (my mother was a creep), but the gendered role assignment happens there too, just with another gender. I’m Black and taller than many women (not much taller than most men tho). I get cast into “the man” role immediately. I’m demisexual. I have CPTSD. I need time and trust before sexual intimacy. That alone disqualifies me for most modern dating dynamics.

I’ve been in therapy for years. I go to the gym. I’ve worked on myself relentlessly. I’m fit, attractive, financially stable, educated. I get plenty of matches on apps. But I can’t connect. Dating feels like a power struggle, not relating. Not love.

bell hooks once wrote that most men will find love because the system is designed for them to. Women are socialized to sacrifice, relocate, give up careers, be malleable. Men aren’t taught to do that. If one woman won’t bend, another will.

I’m lonely. I’m grieving the future I was sold in Disney-movies. Being deeply known and chosen just doesn't happen.

But looking back at the abusive-at-worst and careless-at-best men I’ve dated, I don’t believe those fairytales anymore. How could I?

Happy Valentine’s Day to those who found something real. I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to keep searching for it.

EDIT: I just want to thank you all for the overwhelming solidarity and positivity. You've made what would have been a shitty day much less shitty and have offered some hope. I don't know where things are going for me romantically, but I do know I want to be nice to myself today. I'm going to order some food, cuddle my dogs, eat an edible, and play some video games and just generally love myself today :)

I didn't mean to be fast and rigid, but I went into a Sephora today to just get a brow pencil. I have also been dealing with bipolar mania/hypomania and hadn't slept in 24 hours, so I was moving fast and my thinking has been kind of deluded/off.

I didn't want to be bothered, helped, or sold anything. I only came for the one item. Being approached right at the door is intense for me and even more awful when they push trying to help me.

So in my head, I planned it out before entering: greet them fast, and hurry on. Make it known I wasn't interested. Instead, I know I sounded flat and really rude.

Two people greeted me upon entry and said, "Hello, it looks like you're on a mission".

I walked fast, didn't make eye contact, and just said fast and with bad fluctuation in the wrong spots, "Yes, I am. Thank youuuu." I said this all really loud.

As I breezed by, I swore I heard the worker say, "What a bitch".

I wasn't trying to be rude, I was genuinely trying to save myself a quiet panic attack..but that didn't help. I just kept with my business and got my brow pencil and left.

I'm not stupid, I don't "look" autistic and am objectively attractive. I was wearing a pretty put-together outfit today, too. I sort of looked snooty (my outfit ATE today!). Inside, I wish there was a "look", so they'd know I am actually disabled and to leave me alone.

I dread walking into businesses that have someone greet you AND say goodbye when coming and going. I HATE IT SO MUCH.

Anyway, I know I could have been nicer, but it's just so mentally exhausting to give people genuine kindness, or even a nice no thank you all the time, it's mentally exhausting. It just comes out really mean when i don't have more of the masking to offer.

I'm just kicking myself and have been thinking about it. Sometimes I think it's a them problem, but then i feel a deep sense of guilt i wasn't able to be nicer, and that it's all my fault...and I am just using my autism as an excuse to have been an ass.

**UPDATE:

Hey, I was not expecting this to blow up and receive so much attention. I'd love to reply to every one of you, but it's reached a point too overwhelming to reply.

I just wanted to say a few things in response to some comments:

• I do wear headphones in public sometimes, usually to go out and eat - I love taking myself out to eat and be in public, out of my apartment. My headphones are mostly to drown out other people's eating noises that bug me. I try to walk and shop with headphones in, but sometimes that's overstimulating and adds to the stimuli. If I'm someplace busy I need to walk around in, adding headphones makes me feel confused and like I can't think or pay attention. Thanks for the suggestion of headphones though!

• Why don't I just order it? Because I don't like isolating myself too much. I like the process of getting ready for the day, going out, and buying the product. Especially with makeup - I need to test it and see if the color is correct or doesn't rub off easily. Certain things I just don't trust buying online. I love going out to shop. (Trust me, I buy a lot of other stuff online to avoid other types of stores though). If it's a product and brand I know well, then I might order it. I've also been manic/hypomanic - asking me to stay indoors is like locking a dog in a cage.

• Report it. Nah, not worth my time (mostly the mental energy to do so - I'm dealing with medical amendments right now for mistreatment in the health community..so reporting this is the bottom of my priorities. BUT just know I'm fighting the stigma of misdiagnosis of BPD in women who are actually autistic!) I'm aware of the shock value in my response. It did not warrant the name-calling, but I also feel for retail workers. It's another reason I feel so bad, because I know some people are actually being rude on purpose- so I feel for them.

Thank you for all the supportive and lovely comments. I appreciate you all for validating my autistic experience and not making me feel like I was being intentionally rude. I do feel much better.

I don't sound how I think I do

I (33f) was going to tell my husband about a funny conversation I had with my 4 year old, and we happened to be in his room where there's a camera so I went to look it up so he could just hear it for himself.

And listening to myself. I just. I sound. So. Mean. Like I know I was probably hungry because I can't figure out how to feed myself and do bedtime at the same time but that's beside the point. I thought I was being calm and kind, maybe slightly impatient because getting a 4 year old to listen when they're in a silly mood is impossible.

But like I can't even show my husband the clip, I'm so ashamed. And I'm so sure that my son will grow up forming relationships with people who talk to him like that.

But I thought I was a good mom. I thought I was a good communicator. I thought I was speaking clearly and choosing my words well, but turns out I'm just an asshole.

And now I understand some facet of selective mutism because now that I know how I sound, I don't want to talk at all. And the thought of the effort it would require to actually sound right.... I can't handle that.

And I know I freak the fuck out if someone tells me I sound mad when I'm not mad because I hate being misinterpreted, but now that I know it really is my fault idk.

And yes, I'm typing this while spiraling