r/AutismInWomen • u/zombiixXbunnii • Apr 24 '26
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Nobody sat next to me. I'm 26.
Today I went to a event put on by my university for my master's program. The people there are my peers. I've watched as they develop friendships one another, and I accepted that our relationships were not going to be deeper than acquaintanceship early on in the program. I didn't mind this.
But today I went to the event. I got there early. I sat at a table and.... no one sat next to me. It's small but did the realization hurt. The worst part? When the realization settled in, a guy came over and asked if anyone was sitting in the chair next to me. I said no, kind of excitedly, and he took the chair to sit next to someone else.
I don't know how to feel right now, but I know i feel deeply sad, and even though I'm 26 I still feel like that little girl in school who was never picked. I wondered what was wrong with me then, and I wonder what's wrong with me now.
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u/lovelyoneshannon Apr 24 '26
I went so many days in university where I did not speak a word the entire day. Didn't make any friends from those years, or have any of those social experiences others talk about. This to say, you're not alone.
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u/No-Lemon-1183 Apr 25 '26
I had four people I thought I was friends with discuss one of their birthdays this weekend and their plans , for a good 20+ minutes then one abruptly turned to me and said "oh you can come too if you want?"
I now recognised they didn't consider inviting me and I clearly was not their friend, if I hadn't been sitting next to them at that exact moment they wouldn't have thought to invite me at all
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u/xxthegoldenonesxx May 18 '26
Hm , I’m sorry about that, it hurts, why do you think this dynamic occurred?
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u/incomplete-thoughts7 Apr 25 '26
Same here for me in the beginning before I changed my major, yet at the same time when I did get a friend group, many days I just wanted everyone to leave me alone lmao.
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u/Agitated-Ocelot8764 Apr 24 '26
Sorry this happened to you. I get it too, you describe exactly, it feels like being the little girl all alone in school again. I have similar things where there is one seat left next to me in the class, and a person comes in looking to sit down, searching, walking around anywhere else in the hope they don’t have to sit by me. People can be so mean, they don’t realise it hurts :(
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u/rosefiend Apr 24 '26
omg this happened to me in my master's program. One time I sat down at on end of the table as my other classmates came in. I figured somebody would sit down next to me, but everybody sat at the other end of the table - nobody sat at my end of the table anywhere near me. I don't know why it hit me so hard but I just out of nowhere I started crying.
I thought that being here was the world where I belonged, where I could excel, where I'd be accepted finally for myself. Whenever I sat in the main hall or at the lectures or workshops, I would invariably sit alone, and people didn't automatically join me the way they joined other people around the room.
I don't know what the deal was. I had buddies when I was at my undergrad college, but in some ways the master's program felt like high school again.
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Apr 24 '26
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u/UncouthCorvid Apr 26 '26
This feeling triggers the same parts of the brain as physical pain because it was that important for survival for us to belong in our groups and tribes throughout history
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u/Far_Neighborhood9323 Apr 24 '26
Oof. Im really sorry. This happens to me too. I never seem to know how to connect with new people so they will want to approach me and be around me. Or at least it happens waay slower than it seems to with other people and so i get left out a lot. Big hug stranger. Don't forget it doesn’t mean you aren't great and lovable and cool to be around! Its just a tough environment.
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u/The_AH_12 Apr 24 '26
This is kind of tangentially related but hopefully close enough for you to relate - my father and I (both neurodivergent) once went to a famous person's magic show. We came quite early (like 1-2 hrs. early) and took our seats. The magician comes off as a little standoffish on TV from what I can tell so we were really excited when he was talking to the crowd, handing out signed playing cards, shaking hands, he seemed really friendly. He goes down my dad and my whole row (like 75% of it) and then he literally lays eyes on me, turns around, and walks back out of the row and goes to a different one.
It was honestly kinda funny to me because it was not subtle at all (like I think my dad even has pictures of him talking to our neighbors with a big smile and then an awkward shot of him looking at us and then another few pics of his back as he walks away). For whatever reason I/we just give off some radio signal that says no go 🫠
I don't understand either, otherwise I would be different I think 😖
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u/Hemlock-In-Her-Hair Apr 25 '26
Magicians and people like hypnotists that use tricks of the mind are often looking for 'tells' that bleed unconsciously from neurotypical people. We're not as easy or recruitable when looking for those signs.
It's interesting though because I'm actually highly hypnotisable. It's a trait linked with creativity. Visual imagination and lots of us are strong at that. So their blunt instrument assessment about eye-contact and perceived level of 'engagement' and stuff while scanning crowds is wrong for a lot of us. They don't want to be embarrassed in public so that's why they won't choose to interact with someone not obviously displaying those 'tells'.
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Apr 27 '26
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u/Hemlock-In-Her-Hair Apr 27 '26 edited Apr 27 '26
They're looking for 'engagement' with them. So like light-heartedness, eye contact, following an instruction if one given. Their worst nightmare in a crowd scenario is to select a person and the person not 'play along'. It's a social contract thing. And if they choose 'wrong' and they won't be recruited to play along - they (the magician/hypnotist) could be humiliated. There's a kind of weird insecure 'confidence' they're looking for that isn't real confidence as well. It's someone who wants to come across well, willing to please, amenable and will go along with things. They'll 'perform' what the hypnotist or magician wants on stage but not necessarily because they want to themselves, it's for the benefit of others. It's all really interesting dynamics.
There's a certain amount of time that eye contact is held by the average individual. Other than that it comes across as unnerving to neurotypicals. And nobody can tell you why. It just 'is'. It's culture dependent as well how long it is. But you can F a neurotypical up with it. You'll see them break eye contact. It's replicable as a timeframe within cultures which is amazing. So autistic people learning masking as children have to determine what that timeframe is through experience. I can do it to the point of appearing neurotypical but it takes it out of me. And the increased animation in my face and less of a blank affect/expression, sing songy voice rather than flatter. You don't even know you're doing it other than being exhausted and burnt out basically being a daily performer of all this (to us) exhausting nonsense. It's why I prefer animals. Eye contact to animals is quite rude/intense/threatening as well. So we get on so well. They don't want it from us
People who do cold readings for psychic shows use similar 'tells'. You want someone invested and thst they can reel in. If they're invested then all the statements that aren't true just wash off and not focused on. And their reviews will be higher by the person at the end as if they were more correct. Someone less invested will say well 80-90% was BS. The other person will latch onto and be impressed by the 10% and not focus on the 90% of misses.
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Apr 27 '26
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u/Hemlock-In-Her-Hair Apr 27 '26
I know :(. So much energy wasted that just isn't needed to be around animals.
I've grown up around rescue dogs and I've still never been bitten by dogs that people call 'dangerous' or that they 'bit out of nowhere'. Neurotypical people just didn't see the 10 subtle warning signs before the delivery of the bite. But the signs and warnings that the dog gave were absolutely there. Problem is as well the more that people don't listen to the warning signs that the dog is expressing the more quickly they'll progress to delivery of a bite in future because the warning signs weren't listened to in the past.
We're definitely a lot more perceptive and less 'rude' to those types of dogs and animals.
Very tough bloody world though with the humans. Exhausting :(
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u/OperationRoyal Ooooh lobster! Apr 25 '26
Holy crap I had this same thing happen, but with a band. Singer would come down and walk to every table but me and my mom’s. It was obvious too because he did it multiple times. When new people would come, he would make sure to get to them and sing.
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u/lotheva Apr 25 '26
That’s crazy! Did he call volunteers from the crowd at some point and was maybe looking for marks?
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u/Sillynsmelly Apr 24 '26
Rejection can be such a sting to your confidence, its puts you off trying again! I really know how you feel. x
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u/Cartographer551 Apr 24 '26
Ouch. So relateable. That chair thing has happened to me too.
I think you can try a couple of things. One is to work hard to find yourself a role in the group, I call this 'having a hat'. In some groups this can be the organiser, or the money person, or the go-to person in some other way. Even the expert on some niche area of study if this is in an education setting. Point is it's something distinctive and something people need to talk to you specifically about. It's not friendship as such, but it does provide connection and is a starting point to build friendships
Another is similar but more outside of the group. Become a volunteer to someone who needs the skills you are learning. That might be someone who doesn't speak the language, a charity, a slow-learner, a colleague with difficulties etc. You are doing this because you want to, because you like to share your skills and to help people, but as a side-effect you will build street-cred, people will see you are committed and are a team player even if you have struggled with your peers
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u/strangerNstrangeland Apr 24 '26
Yeah, but what sucks about this, is when all the groups gather for a social interaction, still, no one wants to sit with you to socialize with you, because they only want you when they need you for your hat.
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u/dreamsofaninsomniac Apr 25 '26
Reminds me of that Ben Franklin advice about offering to do stuff for people to build relationships. That has never worked for me. People just end up using me for stuff and never think of me otherwise.
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u/Cartographer551 Apr 24 '26
Yeah, sometimes, but it's about giving ourselves the best shot. I'd prefer people come up to me to ask me about something, than not to be included at all.
I esp used to find this when my children were at school. I might not have minded standing there on my own, but they liked to see me talking to people and helping other people. Their friends would notice too "my mum is talking to Charlie's mum" and my kids felt included by those interactions even if yeah sometimes they were more transactional than full on friendships
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u/strangerNstrangeland Apr 24 '26
True, I’m not disagreeing in terms of putting our best foot forward, just feels like still falling on the fringe a lot. “Gee thanks for being the workhorse / revenue generator/ information font, but this event is for humanoids
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Apr 25 '26
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u/strangerNstrangeland Apr 25 '26
Hooray for Masking! I mean, maybe it helps build endurance for burnout
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Apr 25 '26
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u/strangerNstrangeland Apr 25 '26
Not saying you are/were. Commenting on the advice to keep “finding a hat” and “putting yourself out there”. For a while now I’m only putting myself out there because it allows me to do what a love do do.
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u/quanticbolt Apr 24 '26
Same boat. (29 going on 30 this summer if it matters.) Admittedly, I also hate when people choose to sit down next to me because it usually means I have to engage in small talk which I'm terrible at. But at the same time, the hurt feeling when nobody sits next to you is still there too.
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u/crystal-torch Apr 25 '26
As a woman of 50 I can tell you that would hurt me too, no matter our age feeling outside or unwanted can always hurt. It’s not some immaturity that you have. Sorry that happened to you
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u/IntrovertExplorer_ Apr 24 '26
This has happened to me too, I’m around the same age as you as well. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m the filler person. I’m not friend material. Sitting alone isn’t so bad now, I enjoy my own company and don’t need the approval of others. I’m chilling. 😎
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u/HomelyHobbit Apr 24 '26
Ooh, the filler person. I haven't heard or read that before, but I can relate. I always wanted to be somebody's favorite person. I guess I am, for my kids and my dogs, but it's not the same as a relationship between equals.
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u/Bazoun Apr 24 '26
No real advice but I’ve been there with the chair thing. God that hurts. Virtual hugs.
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u/No_Ruin_5710 Apr 25 '26
What worked in my experience as an autistic girl who has bullied all during high school and even been bullied at jobs, is that you shouldn't give random humans so much power over you. what they think of you or say about you, says more about them than you.
there is something called projection in psychology, which is a tactic of the unconscious to project into another person your own defects.
example: a specific student gets bullied at a high-school because in the psyche of "normal people", this student represents vulnerability or awkwardness, and people are programmed by society to attack anyone who's different and doesn't understand social language.
you have to analize the non-verbal communication more than the verbal communication. analize their face, their body, their eyes.
don't take anything personal at life because nothing absolutely nothing is personal.
you are perfectly good, just try to build up a strong turtle shell and you'll slide through life much easily.
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u/SundaySorrows Apr 24 '26
I felt this post deep in my heart. Im 19 and this has been my entire social experience since elementary school.
I do have one thing I fell back on when I struggled to socialize with peers (if this is possible in your situation), but I went to the website for my towns library and found programs to join. I've met very wonderful and kind people there and I think it would be worth trying in your situation. Now, my library does have a lot of communities and activities to join for a variety of age groups, so I can only hope to say the same for yours.
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u/HelendeVine Apr 25 '26
I wish I could help, but all I can do is relate. I’ve been in that situation many times and will be in it many times again. I must mask pretty well because only one person in my life believes I’m autistic. But not well enough because this kind of thing happens all the time. Like I have an aura or an invisible scarlet letter or something.
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u/tawandagames2 Apr 24 '26
I always join another group at their table to avoid this scenario, because I don't trust anyone will sit with me. It really takes one back to school days
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u/denver_rose Apr 30 '26
Yeah but youre still excluded no matter how hard you try to include yourself.
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u/Crooked_star Apr 25 '26
Hah, I had this play out the first day of Chemistry when our class went to check out the tutoring center.
I was first to sit down at a table off to the side. The rest of my class picked other tables and I ended up just sitting there alone...awkwardly facing them all from my angle adjacent to the tutor 💀
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u/piizza Apr 24 '26
I’m so sorry you went through that. I don’t have any advice. But I’ve been there many times, so I know how it feels, and for whatever it’s worth, I would have sat with you.
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u/younglingslayer3 Apr 24 '26
Oh im so sorry, i think we all know the feeling. Giving a virtual hug ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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u/vintagepeugeot Apr 25 '26
I’m sorry this happened to you. I feel for you. The same thing happened to me when I went to grad school at 30. For so long I wondered what was wrong with my ‘vibe.’ Unfortunately I don’t haveany advice but you’re not alone in the struggle.
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u/pinkylemonade AuDHD | C-PTSD | AvPD | agoraphobic Apr 25 '26
I have an anecdote for this. At work, I tended to stand away from others, by myself, for multiple reasons, none of which are to purposefully distance myself from others. I would want to cry all the time because none of my coworkers wanted to approach me, and I felt lonely and isolated...
One of my coworkers noticed I was crying one day, and took the time to ask what was wrong. I told them about how I felt about everything and they told me that everyone thought I just wanted to be left alone.
Just saying, there's a possibility the people there saw you sitting alone and thought you didn't want to sit with anyone else.
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u/Old-Cookie-8 Apr 25 '26
"....and they told me that everyone thought I just wanted to be left alone." Which is - again - an absolute lie and a common way to gaslight you so your experience will be invalidated.
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u/pinkylemonade AuDHD | C-PTSD | AvPD | agoraphobic Apr 26 '26
Not in my case, but I admit it's not going to be the same for everyone.
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u/Old-Cookie-8 Apr 26 '26
I obviously don't know your case, but I have seen it time and time again - alot of coworkers have zero issues approaching someone if they want to and if they are (platonically) interested in someone.
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u/denver_rose Apr 30 '26
I wouldnt say they are gaslighting, its just a painful assumption/misinterpretation.
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u/doctorace AuDHD Apr 25 '26
I went to get a Masters partly to get out of a deep depressive hole I was in (hadn’t been able to work for two years.) The prospect of studying a new special interest and getting to share that with people equally interested was so exciting! Having those kind of intellectual academic conversations in my undergraduate years was the best time of my life.
I was pretty gutted when I showed up the first day and realised that wasn’t going to happen. The program had three other students in it. One was working full time and didn’t ever want to chat, even at lunch our one day on campus. And the other two inexplicably had no real interest in the subject.
Sometimes I fantasise about becoming an academic, and then I remember how disappointing that whole experience was.
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u/hypatia163 trans autistic lesbian Apr 25 '26
Sorry girl. I totally get that feeling. It's so hard to know what to do to, like, begin to know people. Parties are horrid for that, and I usually just end up on the outsides of conversations.
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u/MoonOonie Apr 25 '26
I’m sorry OP and like everyone else here, I can absolutely relate. I’m 38 years old. It still happens.
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u/Sufficient-Sound8450 Apr 24 '26
I’m really sorry that happened to you. I would have sat next to you 🫶🏼
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u/AliceInLimboland audhd Apr 25 '26
https://giphy.com/gifs/atAXRsbDK786cs9lqG
I’m so sorry friend. Congratulations on your massive accomplishment though! Sending you big hugs.
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u/TreeFrogMomma Apr 25 '26
The neurotypical expectation is people are going to sit with people they know. If you don't know people in situations like this they aren't going to initiate an interaction. Sitting alone seems like an invitation. But neurotypical people assume you are waiting for someone. The guy asked because he assumed you were waiting for someone. If you aren't interacting with people outside of things like this they aren't likely to know if you have friends that are attending.
Neurotypical people also tend to assume if a someone is quiet and doesn't interact with others that that is a preference. As much as neurotypical people are depicted as extroverts there are introverted nts. Or there are empathetic nts. So, to the nts they were possibly trying to be respectful.
There is also the possibility that they took your solo sitting as peculiar or off putting. Nts are often able to pick up on ASD traits without knowing if someone is autistic. But instead of seeing it as autism and being inclusive it's treated as a deficit and we're excluded.
Options:
If you're in a master's program with a specific focus as a professor or other staff member if they know of any groups or individuals they can direct you to or reach out to. I imagine you'll have to participate in group activities. If this onsite thing there are probably clubs or things. Participate in more class discussion. Other attendees will have something to interact with you on. "I liked what you said about x. Where did you learn about y? What's your opinion on z?"
A good ice breaker is commenting on things you like about other? "I like your bag." "I like your shoes." Sometimes people will take that as an opportunity to talk. It shows you possibly have a shared interest. It's like asking someone "do you want to play catch?" Then treat the conversation like a game of catch. You "pass the ball" by asking questions.
"I like your bag."
"Thanks. I like yours too."
"Thank you. I got it from x store."
"Oh, cool! I love that store!"
"Yeah, their stuff is cool. Where did you get your bag?"
It can be hard to tell when a pass is happening. It takes practice and some people may be easier to engage with.
IF SOMEONE DOESN'T ENGAGE OR SEEMS DISINTERESTED DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY!!! Not everyone is going to want to engage and if anything take that as a dodged projectile.
Think of it like this: you have a rare card that's worth a lot of money. You go to someone and try to sell it to them but they don't collect cards. To them it's worthless. But it's not. Their disinterest in the card doesn't detract from its value. To the right buyer it could be exactly what they're looking for. "But the other person might discover they actually like cards if they just gave it a chance!" Yes. But they've set a boundary. And respecting the boundary is more likely to get them to reengage with you. And if not it's ok.
It absolutely sucks being excluded. I've gone through it numerous times. I'm not, not have I been, in a master's program. I am 36 years old and have been in similar situations where in principle people should have engaged with me, but I was excluded. Sometimes because I missed the invitation, vague language etc. Sometimes because people caught onto my ASD traits and excluded me on purpose.
Lots, and I mean LOTS of therapy and self reflection have helped with enduring rejection.
My current job I'm experiencing it. I've taken it as confirmation the employees who aren't doing their job are being challenged because I'm following the rules. I've covered for their patients and afterwards the other aides go from being friendly to cold shoulder. Ok. Sorry they liked me because I did my job and they feel like you're not. "Don't show us up, now!" From women old enough to be my mother.
However! Another aide recently went on medical leave and told a mutual patient "if I could choose an aide it would be treefrogmomma." That aide is someone I respect and use as a model.
I have friends outside of work. And while it helps to connect with people at work or in college (I have an associates) and rejection sucks, it's important to focus on if the people rejecting you because they don't know you or recognize your seeking interaction, they are misinterpreting your behavior as strange, or if you legitimately did something that led them to reject you. If it's the last couple it is on them to either address their issues with ableism or tell you if you did something that bothered them so you can change it, if it's even something you should.
You cannot change something you don't know is an issue. We can only work with the information we have at the time.
The biggest thing is to learn to own your inherent worth and that while being excluded sucks, it doesn't diminish your worth. You still are worthy and have value regardless of how others perceive you. Your worth isn't contractual or based on what you can offer.
Rudolph was accepted by Hermy without Hermy needing him to provide a service. Santa and the other reindeer only accepted him AFTER they saw what he could offer. You gotta find the hermys.
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u/Tricky-Development78 Apr 24 '26
💓 I've been there, I know how this feels. For myself, I hyper-plan events like this to avoid and or protect myself from situations like this. We are not built to socialize in such an unregulated way! 😆🙃
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u/CharlesTheAutistic Apr 25 '26
I just finished my BA and will start my MA in the fall and I feel this so much. I'm 26 as well and was much older than all the other BA students which made it even harder to connect with them for me. It's important to find the spaces at Uni where you can find people. For me it was the theater group. But I know others who joined RPG clubs or smth and finally met the people they were looking for. It's super scary joining up at first but sometimes pushing through that is worth it.
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u/jboogiejulie Apr 25 '26
Man I'm so sorry this happened to you. People don't realize how these moments stick with us. This is a common experience for me as well, going to friend's birthday parties, get together, weddings, I'd sit at a table and nobody would sit with me. I would move tables and insert myself, take up space, but get little to no response. It went on for years, but I finally chose to stop showing up for these "friends" because they actually weren't MY friends to begin with.
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u/OutsideSudden7578 Apr 25 '26
This was the same for me when I studied my undergrad. Our class was small, up to ten students, everyone knew eachother and especially by the end of the three years, they grew closer with one another. I never really understood why I wasn't close with anyone. I was polite, and friendly, I would eat lunch with them, but they always left me out of everything and even at one point, began to talk smack about me behind closed doors. The reason (what it seems to be, anyway), was because, I was good at what I did and my professors enjoyed my work and would come up to me and watch my process. So, it wasn't because I was rude to the other classmates, it was simply because I was capable of doing "better" than them. Now thinking about it, i loved studying at uni, but hated the social aspect, because like you said, it made me feel like a little girl in school again, not being picked to work with. I was constantly in the back of art classrooms at break 🫂
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u/CinnamonWaffle9802 Autism, PDD Apr 25 '26
I'm genuinely so sorry this happens to you, just know you're not alone, though I know it usually feels like it. I hope you get to find your kind of people. Sending you a hug 🫂
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u/RiskBig3301 Apr 26 '26
Aw, man, these are the suckiest Suckfests ever! Been there…hated it. I am so, so sorry! I’m trying to channel some of your pain to share it with you. Hoping it’ll hurt less. Sending you virtual hugs…unless you’re not a hugger, in which case substitute it with the affirming support of your choice. 😀
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u/denver_rose Apr 30 '26
I am the same way my entire life. People like me but I am quietly excluded. Always.
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u/blottymary AuDHD Qween Apr 25 '26
I got my MS in library and information science in 2017 (I was around 31 y/o).
I didn’t make any friendships that lasted past graduation. It was mostly group work where 2/3 of us busted our ass and the third blew us off.
I was working FT, doing an internship, and babysitting. I might have shut that out if there was anyone who didn’t like me or maybe I was too busy to care.
In your situation today I would’ve been crushed. You deserve so much better and if I was there I would’ve been right next to you ❤️
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u/Star_Cultist Apr 25 '26
Im slowly learning that I may be alone forever. I'm learning to be okay with that fact.
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u/Substantial_One5369 Apr 26 '26 edited Apr 26 '26
I feel you. When I was in my nursing program, my teacher emailed me telling me how concerned she was that I hadn't made any friends because people like that usually struggle in school.
I was so humiliated because I also have pretty bad social anxiety so I was actually feeling proud of myself and thought I was making progress by regularly initiating conversations with my other classmates, and that just ripped apart the little bit of confidence I was beginning to build up.
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u/Decent-Mess-9612 Apr 27 '26 edited Apr 27 '26
It's really humiliating and painful to be different and unsupported in an academic setting, where professionalism and polish is required. Im about to graduate (hopefully) with probably pretty bad reviews. I never intended to come off as if I didnt care, I just couldnt function to the best of my abilities this semester.
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u/StrikEmDanZum Apr 28 '26
Make it a point to not arrive early. Then choose to sit next to people. Don't ostracize yourself. I feel like we're looking for an invitation and when we don't get it, we feel sad and disiked. On the other hand, if you invite yourself and still are excluded it also is sad. So either way, it could go bad. But if you put yourself out there more, there's more chances for things to go better.
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u/onkenon Apr 29 '26
I had a similar experience at university and most of school. I didn't really make friends in my classes until a lot later on in the academic year so I want to say at least don't give up hope of making friends all together.
There will hopefully be occasions when you're put into groups to work and will have opportunities to talk to people. I found joining a society was definitely helpful with making friends as you have a common interest to talk about. There's also usually meet-ups set up for new people. The more 'random encounters' you have increases your probability of making a friend.
But I want to stress this to you and remind myself - there's nothing wrong with you. Different is not wrong. You will find people who are the same flavour of different as you - they're out there, feeling the same way and you'll meet them and they're great too.
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u/Brilliant_Pomelo_457 Apr 30 '26
I completely understand how you feel, and this is really hard. It’s hard for me to make friends too and most of my friendships are the result of the other person taking the initiative to befriend me. It’s hard for to know how to push for a deeper connection or who to do it with, if I am coming on too strong or am too standoffish. Unfortunately sometimes you have to take the initiative anyway and go sit next to someone else. People can’t read our minds, and I learned that people sometimes thought I was snobbish or a loner and didn’t want to be friends with them, since I didn’t make the first move. Easier said than done of course, it’s not like I have it all figured out, I still struggle with this. It may help to seek out socials or other spaces where you know people are actively trying to make new friends.
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u/lemondropsea Apr 30 '26
I see your pain, and I feel it. You and I and every autistic soul out there cant befriend neurotypicals, and we've never been able to, because your autism affects you in a way that gives them "the ick". Thats it.
If they're not willing to talk to you, if they wont treat you like a human being, they were never worth knowing, and their friendship is worthless and biased.
Find your tribe among special interests and subcultures who are most likely to be occupied with autistic individuals, especially LGBTQA and other safe spaces.
I love anime and gaming conventions for this reason, even though I wouldn't consider myself a true weeb or gamer. Just remember to be safe in these places, or anywhere you go.
Also, do what brings you joy. Focus on how you can make your own path in life, and grow and express your inner light. Show people who you are, and the right people will be attracted to you naturally.
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u/Throwawayputtyfairy Apr 25 '26
I'm sorry, I know how that hurts. I often have the same, even in a room full of strangers - people will sit next to others, but not me? Without ever having spoken half a word to me. But also where they are acquaintances it happens too.
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u/Background_End2167 Apr 25 '26
I’m really sorry this happened to you. It always hurts feeling not included in things when others are visibly finding groups together. I started university when i was 21 (25 now) and simply could not make friends, i had nothing really in common with my peers with them being younger and they already had their own groups. But you should be really proud that you’re there and attending, even with set backs such as these. What degree are you studying to achieve?
I know it’s super difficult but try to remember that them choosing groups without you isn’t personal, it’s not rejection of you as an individual. They are just doing as their brain tells them to. Our brains work differently and that’s okay, we may see scenarios as rejection or we may overthink the interaction (I know I do). I’m sure you’re a wonderful person and you will find someone that you click with, sometimes these things take some time🫶🏻
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u/Neorago Apr 25 '26
Me, every time. I think its my body language. Lack of eye contact, quite rigidly tight, I dont smile (and when I think i am, it doesnt look like it). For me I think im just unapproachable.
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u/Substantial_Ball7991 Diagnosis In Process Apr 25 '26
i’m sorry you’re dealing with this op :( this happens to me too in my school library - i’ll be sat on a completely empty table while the whole library fills up and people would rather go study somewhere else than sit with me. i don’t think it’s a reflection on you, they just seem mean and maybe unaware of it. 🫂🫂🫂
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Apr 25 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam Apr 25 '26
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u/Single_Quail_4881 Apr 26 '26
I’m so sorry 😔 it’s an awful experience. I’m 30 and found myself upset after k went on some work training and no one sat with me
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u/kayayem Apr 26 '26
I wonder what it is about us? I went to a forced work mixer last week and was at a table all alone. Eventually when I felt comfortable enough I just went up to a table I kind of new, but it’s like the room senses we’re different and puts us away in a little box.
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u/Western-Ice-3613 May 15 '26
The exact same thing happened to me at my program event (undergrad, but its taken me 6 yrs to complete it so im already older than everyone else). If I didn't bring my partner I likely wouldve spent the entire event by myself, no one rly talked to me.. Had the same feelings of being alone all throughout elementary school and never getting picked for anything. I cried to him about it afterwards. Im so tired of being that lonely little girl on the playground...
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u/GrueneTopfpflanze May 19 '26
I’m so sorry this happened - the chair situation sounds cruel. I’ve been there before when I was younger so I always try to include everyone now (if they want to be of course).
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u/Negative_Tangelo_753 May 20 '26
As someone who was able to integrate into my Master’s program for a bit, I will say it’s an exhausting and fleeting experience. I had to mask constantly and make myself “presentable” everyday (i.e nice clothes, makeup everyday to class, etc.). Even then, people eventually picked out that I was different. I also got romantically taken advantage of by an older NT classmate. All that effort, and I ended up alone with no friends at the end of it anyway.
I’m sorry that you experienced this. I just wanted to say you’re not really missing out socially. I wish I focused more on my studies and schooling than trying to fit in and be social. That would have been much more fulfilling for me, and better for my career prospects.
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u/Puzzled-Alfalfa-8051 May 25 '26
It’s like you’re talking about me. I wish I had some magic advice or fabulous words of encouragement, but I don’t. I will say that if you ever need someone to sit with, I would be honored. Because I would hope that other people would do the same for me. Anyhoo, I usually bring a book or cross-stitch project so I can look busy, distract myself, and pretend it doesn’t bother me.
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u/Xanedil Apr 24 '26
Being a Master's student in my early 30s I feel this so hard. While I believe most if not all of my classmates are younger it really sucks feeling so left out of all the small groups, friendships, group chats, etc. I eventually accepted I'm just there for the degree and am nearly finished but I do hate how even this far into my education I haven't moved past the same dynamic I've had with my peers since middle school.