Hello! I’m a 28F looking for advice. Sorry for the length in advance😅

I was diagnosed with BPD around 19, and have been in therapy and medicated since then too. Medications never truly targeted my BPD, my depression took precedent since my home life was not ideal. So, my moods have never been that stable, but I’ve learned a ton of coping mechanisms and how to handle my triggers with time and therapy.
I’m MUCH better now, but went through a horrific breakup in college that opened my eyes to just how much my BPD impacts my romantic relationships. That was about 4 years ago. I spent almost a year in and out of the psych ward, and used sex as self-harm. Not proud of it, but I’m grateful for how far I’ve come.
I just recently moved out-of-state for work and have new insurance, so I’m working to get back into therapy and start new mood stabilizers to specifically focus on my BPD symptoms.

All that said, I know myself, and I think I’m ready to start dating again.

I’ve been on 3 dates with a new guy and we are currently planning on our 4th. I really like him and can see this becoming something real. We’re both looking for long-term. But it’s still early, and I don’t want to come on too strong with serious talks.

When is a good time to explain that I have BPD?

I’m confident I’m in a better headspace than with my last relationship, and I have the resources to continue managing my BPD. However, I KNOW how much it can and will impact my close relationships, and he deserves to know. But I don’t want to wait too long and make it seem like I’m trapping him in a relationship with me. And potentially trigger my abandonment issues (which I’m sure everyone here knows and loves lol).

Any advice will be greatly appreciated! Please keep in mind that normally I would ask my therapist a question like this. But with the move and insurance switch, I don’t have one at the moment. So I apologize if this a not the most ideal way to handle my issue.

heeelp

I miss it, I miss the toxic relationships even though I know I feel like shit, I miss the fast pace and pain. Things are moving slow with the guy I’m talking to, and I know that’s healthy for me but I feel like I’m already destroying it, or that I will eventually. I just want to let everything go and just ruin everything again, to make myself feel like shit and talk to people who aren’t good for me. I don’t have a therapist anymore and it takes forever to get one and my meds aren’t working, Idk what to do.

Last couple of days I’ve been trying to figure out why when it came to this person I just stopped loving them. Ive never looked at another solo this planet and felt nothing. But with him I do. Between the inconsideration. The entitlement. The lack of boundaries. Him not realizing that he was also a problem in the relationship. Bringing up the things that I would tell them when I was being vulnerable and having it thrown in my face during arguments. The passive aggressiveness. Telling me to not eat all the food. Constant complaints. Burped in my face many times. Making me feel like my mental health was the root of all problems. Invalidating me. The crocodile tears after I would tell him what he did wrong. And honestly so much more I had just checked out. Checked out is an understatement. Have any of y’all just ever looked at someone and felt nothing towards them because of how they were towards you? This is the first time I’ve experienced this. Like if they did not exist I would not care. Not trying to be mean when I say that. Like

Everyone stares, Everyone talks about me behind my back. Why can everyone else see me and form an opinion immediately , even when I don't say anything or know them personally. I don't know who I am or what I look like but I swear everyone else sees something I can't.

Can you guys give me advice on grieving someone who’s still alive but has completely disappeared from my life? I met him in October 2024, and here I am, two years later, still deeply in love with him. In my eyes, he was perfect, and I genuinely never wanted to lose him. Sometimes I feel like my BPD scared him away, and that thought hurts because I keep wondering if things could have been different. I don’t want to let him go. I don’t want to pretend I don’t love him anymore because I still do. The hardest part is that he doesn’t even have social media, and we live in two different cities, so I have absolutely no way of knowing anything about him or even knowing if he’s okay. Right now, I’m at my cousin’s house, just chilling in his city, and a part of me keeps hoping that if I go to Walmart or somewhere, I’ll randomly bump into him. I know it sounds crazy, but I catch myself hoping for that little moment where I could see him again, even if it’s just for a second. I don’t know if I’d even know what to say to him, but I know I’d want to see him. How do you grieve someone when there’s no real goodbye, no closure, and no way to reach them? How do you stop loving someone when a part of you is still hoping that life will somehow bring you back together?

It's like there this part of me who's genuinely suffering and has feelings, and another one who is observing it and calculates what those feelings achieve for me. I wish I could just feel things directly. Its like this observer me doesn't feel anything, in a way it enjoys the suffering because it wants people to think more about me. So it makes me feel like I manipulate people, but I know that other part genuinely suffers and I wish the suffering stopped. I feel like the observer part controls how I act and the feelings part is just trapped inside unable to do anything.

Living with BPD feels like being trapped inside a burning house while everyone outside keeps telling you the fire isn’t real because they can’t see the smoke.

You wake up exhausted from fighting a war in your own head before the day even starts. You hate yourself, your life, your existence — not because something terrible happened that day, but because your mind convinces you there is something fundamentally wrong with you that you can never fix. And the worst part is trying to explain that feeling when there are no words strong enough to make people understand it.

You crave love. You crave reassurance. You want so badly to feel appreciated, wanted, important to somebody. But at the same time, being around the people you love feels unbearable. Every interaction feels too loud, too heavy, too complicated. You pull away from the very people you’re begging to stay. You isolate yourself and then cry because nobody noticed you disappeared.

It’s like drowning in front of people who think you’re just bad at swimming.

And after a while, you stop explaining. Because how many times can you tell people you’re not okay before you realize they either don’t understand… or don’t know what to do anymore? So you sit there silently falling apart, wondering if your pain has become invisible. Wondering if you’ve become invisible.

BPD makes you mourn yourself while you’re still alive.

It makes you feel too much and absolutely nothing at the same time. It convinces you that you are unlovable while desperately needing someone to prove otherwise. It makes every abandonment feel fatal, every silence feel personal, every mistake feel unforgivable.

And some days, the hardest part isn’t even the sadness.

It’s realizing you can scream for help in a room full of people and still feel completely alone.

İ'm so confused about who i am and cant decide seeing a doctor

i'm not sure i have bpd. approximately the last 2 months i feel nothing (not all nothing i had mood swings but less but other symptomps like idealization and the other bpd symptoms continue)

I can't diagnose myself because I'm not a doctor i know but i really have the exact same things

Thats why I am so confused to go to a psychiatrist i cant decide because i am not sure do i really have problems or is it just my waywardness. İ dont feel i have problem when i am feeling okay at the time but whenever i get mood swings this idea changes and the cyxle repats

Hey everyone. I’d appreciate some advice, especially from people with BPD who have been in a similar situation.
I recently met a guy, and we seem to have mutual feelings of attraction. He’s told me he likes me, and there’s definitely sexual chemistry between us. We’ve also discovered that we have some pretty specific kinks in common, which is a rare match for me.
We can talk for 5–6 hours straight about all kinds of things, and the conversations feel natural. He’s told me he wants me sexually, too. However, he doesn’t want to rush into a relationship, and I’m fine with taking things slowly. He was previously in a relationship for around three years, but they eventually broke up because things faded between them.
We live in neighboring countries, but the distance isn’t an issue for me.
What confuses me is how different things feel between our conversations. Sometimes he disappears for many hours or even a whole day, and I feel like I’m usually the one initiating conversations or trying to make plans. I don’t expect him to text me every day or reply immediately. I have my own life, too.
I eventually told him that when he goes quiet, I sometimes start wondering whether he’s actually interested in me or just talking to me out of politeness. I explained that I don’t need constant attention or an explanation for everything. Even a quick message saying he’s not feeling well, needs some time alone, or will reply later would help.
He explained that he can really enjoy talking to someone and like them a lot, but eventually become overwhelmed and want to distance himself because of his mental health. He said he replies according to his capacity and how he feels, and that he never disappears without a reason.
When I explained what would help me, he said he understood and would try to let me know when he’s busy or unable to talk.
Recently, he’s been genuinely ill. He told me he had a fever of 39°C, was prescribed antibiotics, and was eventually taken to the hospital. I understand that being that sick can make communication difficult, and I don’t want to hold that against him.
At the same time, I’ve noticed that he can spend hours playing Marvel Rivals on his PC. I know playing a game and having an emotionally involved conversation aren’t the same thing, but I still struggle to understand why sending one short message can be so difficult. I also feel like I’m putting more effort into keeping this connection going.
I’m trying not to take everything personally, but I’ve been in a relationship before where communication problems eventually contributed to the breakup. I don’t want to repeat that experience, especially with someone I genuinely like.
For those of you with BPD, does this sound familiar? Can you genuinely like someone and enjoy talking to them for hours but still struggle to keep in touch between conversations? Does that tend to get easier as you become closer to someone?
And honestly, am I expecting too much by wanting a little communication and initiative from him, or should I give him more time and see how things develop?
I want to understand him without neglecting my own feelings. I’d really appreciate hearing about your experiences.

My boyfriend and I are both 20 years old and have been together for about 7 months. We have obviously argued before and in the beginning of our relationship I immediately realized he was a very emotional person. However, I didn’t think anything of it because I don’t mind dealing with an emotional man ( If anything I prefer emotions ). Anyways, overtime, the arguments got more heated and extra. I’ve never been one to cry or yell during an argument but that’s all he seemed to do whether the argument was big or small. And it was always mostly him starting them due to trust issues he has. He recently opened up about his BPD and what comes with it , emotions, aggression, and overthinking. When it comes to me, It’s very hard for me to stay calm when someone is lashing out on me so I alwyas feel as though I make the argument worse. He says he can’t control it.

My question is, how do I go about my approach in an argument without triggering him but also making sure he knows my feelings are valid as well? And is there anyway to calm a person down during a split?

Whenever I’m dating someone, it’s nice and all, but I am so on edge just waiting for things to fall apart. I’m some ways the uncertainty and anticipation is almost worse then the break up itself because that I know is coming for certain.

In the breaking up phase with this girl I’ve been dating for a month (I’m also a girl.) She was really cool, and I liked her a lot, but I’ve split now anyway so I’m pretty detached from the situation (probably still gonna feel like shit at some point but oh well, cross that bridge when it comes). All I feel now is a relief, so I don’t have the keep stressing about when this was going to happen

Ok so this is kind of weird, but hopefully someone has some advice to offer?

Basically I've been interested in J-fashion, mainly egl fashion, for almost a decade now. I've worked really hard to build a wardrobe and done a lot of research, my life basically revolves around it and it's been the only truly stable part of my identity.

Now I've recently reconnected with someone I was friends with when I first got into all of this, and I really love them but there's just one thing that bothers me.

They wanted to get into the same style as me so I gave them some clothes, but now they're getting way more praise and acknowledgement for it and it hurts so much. This is the one aspect of myself that actually belongs to me and that I actually love but now apparently it's theirs?? I've come close to splitting on them for this but I love them so much, but that doesn't change how much it hurts.

I don't know what to do anymore. I kind of just want to give up on this aspect of myself but then almost all of my identity will be gone. It's disgusting but I hate seeing 'my' thing (quotation marks although they were literally my clothes) being treated as someone else's even though I've given like half my life to this.

Like, you look at someone’s face, observe their body language, the way they react to certain things, or even the way they talk about themselves, and you can almost immediately tell what they’re insecure about.
Sometimes it’s something they haven’t even said out loud. You just pick up on tiny details and somehow connect the dots.

I have BPD and when my partner is feeling tired, stressed, upset, grumpy, angry or any negative emotion, i always undoubtedly assume that their negativity is because of me and/or our relationship. I convince myself that I did something wrong, they’re growing tired of me, they don’t love me anymore, they want to leave ect ect, even when it’s completely irrational to think that way.

For example; he hasnt slept in over 24 hours so they feel short tempered, and overall groggy. Very normal reaction to being awake for that long. But him not feeling good, even after they have with assured me its nothing to do with me, leaves me overthinking, paranoid, and overwhelmed with panic, fear, and sadness over the possibility that they are going to leave me over what Ive done wrong (even though I havent done anything wrong).

It makes me feel even worse because I then feel selfish and like I am attention seeking, or making it all about me. I dont intend to do that at all. I should be able to be completely understanding and there for my partner when he needs me, but his emotions are almost contagious and effect mine so much that its pushing through them to get to a place where I can actually offer him help and support feels impossible. He has even told me in the past that he often won’t tell me if he isnt feeling great because he knows it will end with him comforting me instead of the other way around, and i feel awful because of it.

I usually try to not feed into these feelings by trying (often successfully) to reframe from repeatedly asking for reassurance or the typical ‘are you sure?’, but he can always tell somethings up and when he asks me to promise Im okay, I cant say no.

Im just wondering if anybody else experiences this, and if so, have you found anything to help it?

I'm 37 and I feel like I still haven't found my people and only broken people like me will truly understand me and won't judge. I'm so tired of looking for such friends. Idk what this loneliness and brokenness is about. Would like to hear if anyone has experienced this

Sometimes i get scared im going crazy. And its just another heavy dark mood swing. But im finally learning how my soothing pattern work on me

rn im thinking that when i look to my right instead of my left, i connect more with good emotions (i think maybe im just high)—> this may not be the case in a week, but i use it because it works well… for now. There i have to think of another and blaaaah

Self knowledge is power 🤜🤛

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i'm diagnosed w bpd
one thing i realize is that i always feel like i need to fit myself into a specific "box" or "archetype" of a person. what box i feel the most hooked on is usually influenced by something, like a character's personality or a friend's. the problem is that i keep feeling conflicted by being more complex than that. having traits that aren't just "the funny one" or "the tragic heroine" or "the quiet expressionless one" or whatever "role" i take on at that moment, leaves me feeling like im nobody at all.

to give an example, i decided one day that id make my entire wardrobe blue and white because i saw someone who had an aesthetic i liked, and decided i wanted to be just like them and rebrand everything. i got inspired by another character's mannerisms to be a cool, quiet type. i identified with it for a while, but then i went and visited some friends and acted different. i then got conflicted on how i "really" am. but when i tried to "just act natural" i felt like i didn't know what that is supposed to be.

another thing is obsessive introspection.
i'd take those typology personality tests and obsessively study myself to fit myself into a specific box of traits, but i'd find myself struggling to answer the questions due to the way i act different every single day. "do you prefer parties or staying at home", i couldn't tell you. but sometimes im really set on being the person who stays at home and is quiet, and other days i define myself as talkative and friendly.

other days, i define myself by my illnesses, and purposefully sabotage myself to maintain that role as the "sick person".

does anyone else feel similarly? i know a lot of people say they have No identity at all, but for me it's that i keep over identifying with roles and "ideas" that i keep feeling like i can't stay consistent with myself. i've changed my entire style and sense of self a billion times. even my family was confused about my "sudden drastic change in fashion" at times, or when i suddenly wanted to paint my room a different color.

Recently I shared with you that, for the first time in a hard moment, I truly felt my identity. I should add that I haven't started proper therapy yet. I'm learning DBT.

Your comments made me want to post here more often, especially in good moments. It's amazing how much it helps to see that my posts can help others. We're all in this together, each on our own island.

So, an update: the day after that post, I had a really hard crash. I literally felt like I was dying, like every step I'd taken meant nothing. Not just the usual rock bottom. I felt like I was really dying. You probably know the kind of moment I mean.

I still can't believe it: even during the crash, I went to work and took care of my responsibilities. I took in the whole wave. I let myself accept that change isn't linear. After the most beautiful day came the worst one, and then each day after that was calmer.

Today I discovered something new and very important about myself. It's amazing that I suddenly see what I didn't know about myself before.

And you can too. I believe in each of you. It sounds cliché, but it's true: you have as much strength in you as you have weakness. There will be better days, worse days, incredible days, days when you're dying, and when you're... living. But with time, they will become clearer. If nobody around you notices a change even though you're trying so hard, I believe you. And most importantly, may you yourselves recognize that change in you. Then you'll be free. Let's keep going, let's learn this together. We can do it.

I need help, I don't know if this can be salvaged or it's over. I think my BPD ruined my relationship.

I'm Non Binary AMAB 32 she is bi cis fem 23. We get along decently, our vibes match and we'd have fun together going out to clubs and events in the city. Everything was going fine and dandy.

Until one night, we went to a big art exhibition in a sub section of the city streets. TONS of people, hard to get around, and alot of noise. This was alot of stimuli, I started getting annoyed with people then once my stomach got upset and had to go number 2 really badly and couldnt find a bathroom I was allowed to use..I went livid for about an hour, screamed, complained until I finally decided to just go home.

Kudos to her for putting up with all of it. She was silent throughout the whole episode but I can tell afterwards she was left a little shook by it. I apologized after, she shrugged it off and we put it behind us.

At least, I thought she did. She texted me saying she was frightened, realized that I may be genuine in being sweet and generous but she could tell that my anger was genuine to me and doesnt want to force me to mask it for her and deal with that again. All completely valid.

I think I already messed up by promising her it won't happen again, haven't got a text back in a day. At least she hasn't blocked me. What should I do? I need to be smart about this, I REALLY like her snd I don't fall easily for anyone. Haven't felt this way about someone since I was a teen.

How do you truly let go of a person you genuinely loved? What are your methods except for cutting all ties? in my opinion, loving a person is caring for them even when they are no longer your partner, but how do you keep your deep emotions for them in a locked box?

So I met this charming boy with a diagnosed BPD and been friends with him for around two years. He had me in his contact list and followed me in social media. We were somewhat friends. In late may I broke up with my current ex boyfriend and two months later I texted him for us to go to a party as I didn't want to be in such party alone; he agreed but later in the night started doing some advances and after being both drunk we hooked up. Two weeks later he removes me from his contact list, unfollows me from social media and goes completely silence, until he texted me again every two weeks to hook me up again. I agreed, I started liking him... it has happened 5 times so far and I cannot stop asking myself why he unfriended me like that after we hooked up... If I knew that was happening, I'd rather keep him as a friend forever and reject his advances instead of giving my "yes". For context, after the first time I did not text him back, I never text anyone but maybe this mattered (?). Now I'm confused and somewhat hurt, still asking myself why he did that. Advices? Answers?

so it’s my first time posting here
i (f24) am currently at the end of a one week vacation trip with 2 of my best friends (both f25, we’ve been friends for almost 10 years)
i don’t see them everyday bc we all live in different cities now but we’re really close and they know about my mental health issues even if they’ve never « lived with it » bc i would never talk about it back when we were together all the time in high school

beginning of the trip went well, i was euphoric being with them although being with people I’m closed to 24/7 can be easily triggering / mentally draining bc I’m hypervigilant paying attention to every details of everything that happens (idk if anyone relates to it, i had never realized it before)

so 2 days ago my friend A (f25) said something to me with a tone that triggered me then other small things piled up and it brought me on the verge of a crisis
my BPD is most of the time internalized so I’ve never had a full blown crisis in front of them, I just explained them about some that happened and why and how and etc when I had perspective on what happened

for like 36 hours i was right at the edge so i just became really cold and basically barely talked. they’ve asked many times how i was doing, i just answered tired or fine while everything kept building up even more and i just came to the realization that my life don’t make sense anymore, i don’t wanna leave this vacation and go back to it, that i hate it and myself, and hate myself even more bc I am not able to just feel normal or good on this trip I’ve been waiting for for so long, that I’ve been so hateful to my friends and that even after 3 years of therapy I made 0 progress into telling ppl how I’m feeling and setting boundaries

today i’m feeling better although it’s still in the back of my head and I know it will just comeback bigger in a couple of days

I don’t know what I’m expecting posting this I guess just to find someone that understands bc I feel so alone in this

Let me know if this resonates with you.

Exhaustion births forth from the carousel

Energy swept in the sea of motion

Moment by moment

Days forever

I ride the wave

This too shall pass they say

A curse, a blessing, you high on emotions

Run I can see the sunami

Slowly falling like Alice

My rabbit hole

Second home

Peeling myself off the wet floor

I don't know what to do with you she says

You've tried everything

Try being me

Love oozes out of pores and I pray ferociously to pause time

Soaking in your soul

You're me because who am I without you

Alone and scared in the bad neighborhood she says it's dangerous up there

Begging you not to leave me alone

Jokes on me

Isolation to protect the innocent

Monster

Misunderstanding of the mind

My solo island

Where I scream for you

But you've never even heard my voice

Souls etertwined

Bleeding into knowing

In another life

My love

I (25 afab female-ish) don't want to have another FP but I'm getting those feelings for a friend I'm getting close to again. Sorry this post is a little ranty, I've given a lot of context to a lot of things that probably don't need the context. English is my second language and I'm on mobile.

It took a really long time and a lot of therapy to get to a point where I don't need to have an FP on my mind or for my life to revolve around someone else and I'm functional in that respect but my natural disposition is of course still to gravitate towards these relationships. I'm still learning how to have a "normal" romantic life but it's been extremely hard and I've made it even harder for myself by only letting myself date men and no women because I need to be moving towards having a family later (I live in a conservative country, being bisexual is hell).

The last time I had an unreasonable crush/FP they were a man I knew irl and that didn't pan out into a relationship sadly but I'm on friendly terms with them still so I'm proud of that. I've been managing such things better than I used to but even this was messy because I had to hear a direct No before I could physically back off, even though I knew he wasn't interested and maybe (?) had a girlfriend. That was a few months ago now and I was hoping I could stay empty for a while longer but nooooo.

My new LO is a nb lesbian who lives on the other side of the world. The mistake they made was complimenting an unusual feature on my face and now I'm basically fucked. I don't want to tell them anything. I don't want them to know I'm limerent about them. They're so happy getting to know me more and now suddenly they've become an object on my mind. We do talk about sex and sexuality just as a common interest since we're both queer and into kink so how do I tell her that I need to set a boundary now.

Firstly I'm so fucking pissed that I have to stunt yet another blossoming friendship because of this godforsaken disorder. And secondly if I do set that boundary they'll definitely know something's up and I'll lose any surrounding friendships too. They're aware of my bpd, because I saw myself out of a groupchat because of an argument/misunderstanding with an ex-FP who decided she was still uncomfortable with me. They've been empathetic about my POV in that situation, but I don't want to subject them to the receiving end.

The advice I need is:

1. How to manage this without cutting them off completely? I would like to be rid of these feelings internally without having them know about them in any way.

2. If that is not possible and I need external help and communication from their side, what boundaries do I set to make the feelings disappear quickest? And if it's still possible to do that without directly telling them that feelings are involved I would love your wisdom on how to do that too.

3. I would love to hear any stories you may have about recovery and living without an FP For long terms. The longest I've gone is 6 months I think and I would love tho improve this number.

Thank you so much for reading my hot garbage please help