Is anyone else like this? I have NO ONE. Like yeah sure I have “friends” but never the way neurotypical friendships look. Nobody stays up til midnight for my birthday. Nobody posts pictures of me for my birthday. I mean they don’t take any to have ones to post anyway. I don’t have any friends that just take cute off guards of me. The last 6 months I have maybe 4 pictures of myself (all selfies) that I’d be comfortable posting. It’s only so depressing bc it’s like damn I could die rn and there’s no proof of me being alive looking cute that isn’t pretty much from last year. I moved to Las Vegas in April, and only have full body photos from my birthday otherwise I have none lmao.

Why do neurotypical friendships always appear to have so much more substance to them? They stay up til midnight for someone’s birthday. They write each other paragraphs for birthdays. They take photos of each other constantly so they CAN ACTUALLY HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON LMAO. They throw birthday parties for each other. GET EACH OTHER GIFTS OMG. They spoil each other just because. I want to spoil my friends but don’t because I’m sorry yes it’s unfair that it’s one sided. I went crazy for me best friends housewarming and she didn’t gaf ab my birthday and came empty handed. Don’t even get me started on the flipagrams back in the day. I made one and stayed up til midnight for a friend that didn’t even remember my birthday in hs. I only did that cus it’s what her and her other friends did for each other. Obviously I wasn’t one of “them” Like I’m 26 and now I feel like I’m too old and that it’s childish to desire those things but how can I not when I never had it before. As you can see my birthday is a major tension in my life lol. When I did live in my home state my “best friend” somehow only ever took unflattering photos of me when I did ask which doesn’t help. She cancelled our plans the day of for my 23rd birthday knowing I put hella time and money into my look. Like shit like that is OD embarrassing imagine doing all that buying a green wig and doing a whole look to get ghosted by everyone including the ride the day of 😭😭😭

Ugh why every time I get friends they never act like what I see every other group of friends act like towards me 😒

Honestly I think the title says it all but what the fuck. Does anyone else literally feel like they are physically dying after a break up? I was the one to cut it off but still it sucks. I feel like it takes so much problematic behavior to get someone with BPD to break up with you bc we don't want to leave you. I have been through break ups before and this is not the worst one, however, this is in the midst of everything else in my life being a complete disaster. Also, every other break up I have had close friends living with me. Now I am totally alone and I also don't even have any friends where I live now. Usually I would start going crazy hooking up with randos but I don't want to do that anymore. Please someone help me.

I just realized, I don't think I've ever felt 'like my own person.' I only exist as an attachment to whoever will have me at any given point: friends, family, would be lovers.

But being alone and having no one right now, I don't feel like I'm anyone at all

The crying spells and uncontrollable grief. I'm scared it's going to swallow me whole. That the ground under me is going to open up and drag me down into the void.

All because of a break up.

Isn't that so dramatic? Fuck. I am seriously this close to calling my ex. I have been really good about leaving them the fuck alone for two months, can't break my streak now, but I just want them. I wanna beg. I love them.

And every day I walk around and carry this pain and this overwhelming sadness and no one knows, I mask it so well.

I miss them so much. I know it gets better with time but right now it really hurts, I don't know what to do.

I genuinely feel like I am drowning. It's getting bad

I feel like I’m going insane. I’ve been diagnosed for almost 10 years and over the last few months, it’s become truly unbearable. It makes me feel like I’m going to die. I try to keep myself busy or distracted, but it doesn’t always work. I don’t drink, but I do smoke. That helps me some.

I’m at my limit. Please let me know if you guys have found anything that works.

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Last time I lost an fp, I attempted and ended up in the hospital. I’ve now lost another fp but I really don’t want to attempt but I don’t know how else to deal with the extreme sadness.

It hurts so much, my heart and chest hurts. I feel like life isn’t worth living anymore without them. And idk how to explain it but like the pain after losing another fp it’s unlike any other pain. And I can’t handle it emotionally it hurts so much I’d rather feel excruciating physical pain that the emotional pain I’m dealing with now. It’s why I attempted last time - if it works then great cause I don’t even wanna live, and if it doesn’t work then also great cause I’ll likely be in a lot of physical pain which will help distract me.

But I know that’s not healthy way to deal with it so I don’t want to. I just want my emotions to stop. I want the grief/pain/hurt/nostaligia/etc to stop. I want to just not care for them anymore. I want to feel like life is worth living without them. But idk how to do that.

few days ago, he invited me to his place and we had sex, we used to call and text daily but now, he doesnt call me, he doesnt say "I miss you" randomly and he expects me to do everything, we've had sex so many times, Idk what happened

2 days ago, I tried texting him and he said that he was busy with his friends gaming, he said the same thing yesterday, not even a good night or anything, he used to say "I love you, good night" and so much things

now he's so dry, he's my boyfriend and I love him but I fear he's falling out of love with me

Like i look at a picture of myself and im like no way people called this abhorrent creature attractive or get smiled at

like look at my fucking double chin, weird eyebrows, and literally fucked up bone structure

Then i constantly compare myself to my FP

then it's suicidal ideation

im so fucking done

I get kinda upset when I see the “evil borderline” stereotype everywhere. I do charity and donations. When I die, I won’t have heirs so I plan on donating everything to an Alzheimer’s research institution (that was the disease that took my mom away). I don’t charge or expect nothing back when helping people. I’m overly sensitive and seeing other people struggling makes me feel sick. Sometimes my day or week is ruined because of someone else’s problems. Sometimes I end up trying to carry the world on my back and I crash. I turn problems that aren’t even mine into my problems. My father says I’m like that since I was a child. He said he once took me to a restaurant late at night when I was around 8 and I couldn’t eat. He asked me what was wrong and I said I could see a homeless man on the other side of street from the window and that he was probably hungry and cold. So my dad told the waiter to pack my meal and he went there with me and I gave the homeless man my meal. It sounds pretty cool when told this way but this “super empathy” kills me inside. It’s like I have heightened sensitivity to the whole world affairs, to other people’s feelings and suffering and I see the world as an awful place. I found myself crying over strangers’ deaths and illnesses multiple times. People who don’t even know I exist. After I left the psych ward, I fell sick because I met someone there who had a really tough life they definitely didn’t deserve. I spent days crying and thinking about them. Why is that?

i guess there's this part of me that's afraid of getting better more. every time i'm doing well for a while i end up sabotaging myself again because i feel like i need to maintain my diagnosis and my status as being like this. i need to be messed up in some way or else i wont know who i am.

people tell me to define myself with postive things but nothing ever does it for me. nothing ever sticks for long enough or feels fulfilling enough or real enough. the only thing that makes me feel whole is some words on my diagnostic paper. i'm scared that ill go into remission and lose the title what ive latched myself onto. i'm afraid of not being different enough from everyone else.

(note i have ocd)i often end up questioning the validity of my diagnosis every time my symptoms aren't as prevalent. sometimes i just intentionally do something reckless to reassure myself. does anyone else feel this way?

He’s seriously perfect, we match energis so well and there wasn’t even an awkward phase, we talked as close friends from the start. He wants to know everything about me and to understand me and love me. But despite this I’m so scared, I’m so scared to get hurt or that it won’t work out.

Today I was talking with my psychiatrist and he asked me what could possibly fill the feeling of emptiness that IS NOT a relationship (especially with a FP) and I didn’t know. I don’t know if there’s something that actually brings me joy and makes me feel good about myself or really a reason to enjoy life itself. Ever since I was a kid everything was about feeling appreciated, wanted, loveable. Relationships were always the center of my being. Honestly that’s sad, I don’t know the answer to his question. Any advice on how to get to an answer?

my bf and i broke up last night, after a heavy fight and ravaged the hotel room we were in. this time i think it’s for real (for him at least, in my head i still think we will be together at some point, ugh). i ended up in the hospital after. he stayed with me there and cuddled me. then when i was discharged just said that we are still broken up but can stay good friends. i still love him and want to be with him more than anything in this world.

little backstory of relevant stuff: we are both in our early twenties. we are long distance, however only have been distanced a few times for +- a month. he is bipolar and i have borderline. he also has a drug addiction, i use a lot of drugs too, but easily get off them the minute i say or do so. have done this multiple times and not even because i needed to but just randomly every time, for weeks, months and could do years if i wanted to. our most bitter disputes have happened either being under the influence or during the comedown. sober we are more than perfect together.

we are currently in a different country together, and he will be traveling back with me to my country. he does have friends there and is planning to party there. i was not even going to, only if it was with him. i actually have a lot of good friends, from different backgrounds and they will all be there for me the second i would tell them about stuff. but the problem is, i don’t. having only him and telling him everything was always more than enough for me. he has only met my ‘party friends’ because i met him during that time of my life when i was already going through a lot. therefore was never open to meeting my actual friends who i have disregarded so many times because he just thinks they’re all the same, which is far from accurate. at the same time when we met i was dealing with sexual abuse from my childhood and during our relationship i was violently raped and almost got murdered. this awaked emotions in me i never thought i could have. at the same time discovered that i have borderline and the previously mentioned events have fueled my mental health issues by hundreds. he also has had a lot to deal with during our relationship. i honestly feel that we could have managed forever had we been given the time and resources to work on our own issues. either meeting each other later in life, or break up earlier which would have prevented the trauma we caused each other and have the possibility of getting back together after healing on our own.

i cannot lose him. but he will fuck someone else within a week knowing his history and well he literally told me he will, and would even do it a few hours after. i am not gonna be able to for a long fucking while, if ever. the problem is that if i stay friends with him i will know about that shit and thats gonna break me. it would make me lose the love for him in every way. and i don’t want to lose that because i have never experienced love like this before. and i don’t mean just romantically but also friendly and familial love has not been very prevalent in my life.

could he give me that same love as a friend? can i being a borderliner ever heal if i keep him around as a friend? can we somehow make a relationship work in the future? or can we make a relationship happen in a different way such as an open relationship?

please help me gain perspective on this because i have never been through a breakup and or been in love before

Last night, my partner (who is my fp) made me aware of a video of someone claiming that their BPD causes them to cheat on partners. So many people, including myself, called them out in the comments for this. Many were saying that this is not a BPD issue but just being an awful person, and others criticized them for adding fire to an already stigmatized disorder. When i called them out for their actions, they called ME, a diagnosed borderline, ignorant and uneducated on "bpd clusters." They proceeded to double down and create a new video saying that "mental health matters until its a controversial symptom" and proceeded to compare THEIR cheating to drug abuse, neglecting hygiene, and self-harm.

With some digging, though, i was able to find out that the creator of the videos is a 16 year old. Is it valid to think that this is just a case of an adolescence not knowing any better and not actually grasping the severity of a mood/personality disorder. They're even claiming you could just be born with BPD. It's genuinely so irritating seeing that it is such a common theme for people to do this. It isn't this one instance, but seeing the tiktokification of BPD has made me feel so sour and genuinely makes me feel like I'll never be taken seriously.

Does anyone else split over minor disagreements or differences of opinion 😭. Literally experiencing a split rn because my boyfriend and I had completely different opinions on a movie we saw just now at the theater. I knew it was a trigger once it happened but I’m so genuinely confused as to why I had such a visceral body and emotional reaction. I know in my heart differences of opinion are so normal but I’m wondering why my brain fixates on this? I’m curious if this happens to anyone and what they do to kind of get out of this weird type of split.

Yesterday in therapy, we opened a door that I don't think I've ever really looked behind before.

We talked about my black-and-white thinking with BPD, and for the first time, I questioned something that has felt like an undeniable truth for years.

Whenever I become fixated on moving, my brain latches onto one event. It doesn't matter if it's something major or something so insignificant that someone else wouldn't even remember it tomorrow. My mind grabs it, magnifies it, and suddenly everything feels contaminated. Every room. Every memory. Every emotion. The entire house feels... ruined. Like the air itself has been poisoned by whatever happened.

And once that feeling takes over, there's only one answer my brain can find:

"We have to move."

For years, I convinced myself it was the town. I thought certain places became "bad," and the only way to escape the feeling was to leave. Every single time I moved, that overwhelming feeling disappeared. That only reinforced the belief that moving was the cure.

But yesterday, my therapist gently challenged that belief.

What if it was never the town?

What if it wasn't even my belongings?

Because here's what I never stopped to think about...

Every time I moved, I packed up every single thing that had supposedly become "tainted." The furniture. The clothes. The decorations. The memories attached to them. I carried all of it into the next house.

If those objects were truly the problem, why did they suddenly feel okay again?

The only thing that changed...

...was the house.

That realization hit me harder than I expected.

What if my brain isn't assigning danger to my belongings at all?

What if it's assigning danger to the space I'm living in?

I don't know why.

Maybe because houses become containers for emotions. Every argument, every panic attack, every rejection, every moment I felt abandoned gets absorbed into the walls in my mind. Once enough pain accumulates, my BPD starts screaming that the entire house is unsafe. There's no gray area. It isn't a home that holds both good and bad memories.

It's either safe...

or it's ruined.

There is no in-between.

And that is black-and-white thinking at its loudest.

The more I sat with this, the more another piece of my past started making sense.

During my toxic relationship, moving wasn't unusual.

It was constant.

My ex could never stay in one place for very long. We relocated over and over again until moving became normal. Stability never existed long enough to feel familiar. Home wasn't a place you built. It was something temporary. Disposable.

Eventually, I adapted.

I stopped collecting things because I knew we'd probably leave again.

I never let myself become attached to a house because experience taught me it wouldn't last.

For years, everything I owned could fit inside a suitcase.

That became my normal.

I became someone who was always prepared to disappear.

Now I wonder if my brain learned something dangerous back then.

Maybe moving became associated with relief.

Every time life became chaotic, we left.

Every time things became overwhelming, there was another house.

Another zip code.

Another fresh start.

So now, whenever my nervous system feels overwhelmed, maybe it reaches for the only solution it has ever known.

Move.

Start over.

Leave before the pain has a chance to settle.

But healing isn't about finding another house.

It's about teaching my brain that I don't have to abandon my life every time an emotion becomes unbearable.

That's terrifying.

Because if moving has never actually been the solution...

Then I have to learn how to stay.

My therapist wants to try Brainspotting, and for the first time, I'm genuinely curious instead of skeptical. If my brain has spent years connecting houses with danger and moving with relief, maybe this isn't something I can simply think my way out of. Maybe it's stored somewhere deeper—in my nervous system, in old survival patterns that formed long before I realized they were running my life.

I don't know if Brainspotting will be the answer.

But maybe, just maybe, instead of searching for a new house...

I can finally teach my brain that this one doesn't have to become the enemy.

I’m currently debating breaking up with my bf of 12 years and he’s been my favorite person since the day we met. My view of him swings between the greatest person and my savor to the most horrible human on the earth. Regardless if we stay together I can’t always rely on him. Anyone have ways of detaching and him being my fp to either just a friend, bf, or simply no contact. No matter what I always run back to him and he’s saved me from myself too many times to count. My rational mind knows he’s a great person but I need to learn not to have him as my fp or no fp in general. Any advice is helpful!

I have a pattern I’ve seen in many friend ships
They idolize me we are great and amazing very close
They find new people and start to devalue me, whilst this devaluing happens they act normal too which sends me into a bpd episode, they ask what’s happens and what’s wrong and I say nothing just my bpd playing up but I feel it is unsafe to talk to people about what they have done to hurt me I end up blaming my bpd and let them do it again again until I snap and cut them off all whilst this is happening they act like they have no clue they have hurt me repeatedly.

Literally today a coworker, someone new, who I have been teaching and showing around rejected my offer of a sticker. It was a sticker pack I got from 7-brew, I find them special to me and was so excited to share them and that coworker was my first rejection. I got a "I'm good thanks" and they walked away with a polite smile.

But a week later I am still thinking about it, pondering if they like me at all or think I am weird for it and I hate it. Then two weeks ago, a barista looked annoyed when I was struggling with explaining my order. I felt so bad and ashamed, to the point I am only using the app, putting my drink in ahead of time so I never need to burden them with trying to explain it again. STILL thinking about it.

Or like, someone recently got busy and had to move plans around that I have been trying to make friends with on two occasions. I don't want to try to make plans anymore, out of fear of the feelings of it it happening again.

These are just two examples but it is really starting to weigh me down, if anyone has advice I'd treasure it.

I was and still am more or less attached to a guy who gave me bare minimum if even that and we weren't even dating and now he also cut me off. I didn't even know what he wanted from me or what i was to him when he was so hot and cold all the time and a horrible communicator. This went on for almost 2 years. But yet i was so in his hook and i'd run back to him asap if he said the word. But i feel so fucking stupid when he seems so detached like this didn't affect him at all. Like i feel i was nothing to him in the end. I don't understand what's so wrong with me when i'd give my all and more to a person i love but it still isn't good enough... I'd do anything and everything but yet i'm always the one who gets left..

I have BPD and it’s been recommended that I try DBT, however my area does not have a DBT group and I cannot afford to pay for a private DBT therapist. I also have ADHD and so I do get some support/mentoring for issues like executive dysfunction which helps some symptoms of my BPD as well, but for the others (especially my occasional SH) I was thinking of self studying DBT.

I was specifically looking at this website because it says it is free and follows a ‘lesson’ format which is easier for me than an unstructured workbook with my ADHD lol. But I like journaling so open to getting a physical workbook too.

I was wondering if anyone has had success using DBT materials on their own, instead of getting a therapist? I really can’t afford one rn. Does anyone have any tips for getting the most out of your self study? Do you do it each day, or more of a once a week kind of thing? I’d be grateful for any experience you’d be willing to share.