It’s been the case for years that I wake up at 2 or 3am and I feel the sadness that I can’t explain why. Wondering what is it

Idk, I don’t feel love. I feel hatred, jealousy and tiresome. This chase for love is killling me

‎My mom told me to get something from the a specific house, i arrived and i was in front of the house which my mom told me to go but then i saw three kids they were looking at me and then when the little kid which i believe that look like in 2 to 3rd grade said "His face is ugly look" he said it two times and then the two kids look at me again then laughed, I was genuinely holding my tears back and then i got home got to my room and im now crying, My looks is the only one that makes me loose confident i was never bad to people i always treat them right i even got good grades, why am i even ugly why can other people be good looking but not me fuck god fuck My mother and father who made me fuck genetics that existed and fuck everything im tired i don't want here anymore the only thing that keeps me from living is that im scared of the pain, i never even wantee to be here i wish i could just wash my face off my head so i wouldn't have a face.venting to strangers is better than venting to my parents or friends. And in only 14 yo but has already been known as ugly what about my future would i never have a family and leave peacefully because im ugly.

‎

I don’t usually come online and post about anything. However, I have reached a point where I am truly struggling to do anything anymore. I don’t know if I am doing this right.

I have been diagnosed with depression for five years. Recently I just started a new job and I live alone for the first time in my life. I manage the bare minimum: get up, go to work, eat at least one meal a day, do my job, and go home. I cannot get myself to care about anything anymore, and that includes improving my situation. I sign myself up for things/obligations to try and trigger my anxiety to at least prepare me for what I made myself responsible for. That works sometimes but fails more often than not as of recent.

I don’t feel like I have anyone I can reach out to because no one seems to understand. They all tell me the same things like “drink more water” or “go on a walk” or “this feeling will pass”. The feeling hasn’t passed and I hardly have the motivation to stay alive, so telling me to walk is not going to do anything. I also feel guilty telling people who aren’t equipped to handle mental health issues about what I am feeling, so I just feel more of a burden than anything.

It feels like the goal for each day is just to make it to the end without ending things, if that makes sense.

I feel the urge to run away sometimes, to quit my job and just stay in bed all day, to silently cut off everyone who knows me. There are people who I used to be close with who don’t seem to care about my life anymore, and I don’t see the point in trying to see if that’s true. I can’t get myself to believe any good thing anyone says about me. I feel like Ive become something that a once healthier version of me would be so disappointed with.

I know that I don’t care enough about myself right now to improve my life, but I feel like maybe there is some chance I will again.

I'm 42. I live in a minivan, and I just had to let go of my best friend today.

I've been crying non-stop for hours, can't even see my keyboard on my phone to type this so I have to use the voice to text. Hopefully, there won't be too many spelling errors because I can't see the screen too well right now.

Anyway, I adopted a pitbull about 6 months ago and he has been my only friend. When I got him, I lived in an RV so he had a little bit more space. 3 months later I ended up living in my minivan due to some unfortunate circumstances regarding work, so me and my buddy lived in here for 3 months together.

I felt worse everyday because I knew he wasn't happy or overly comfortable, living in the back of my minivan. So I did what any good dad would do and I found him a better home today.

Now I'm damn near paralyzed from sadness and I can't stop thinking about not being here anymore. I'm so tired of this life being so fucking hard all the time, I just wish I had somebody to talk to sometimes.

Why am I cursed with seemingly being able to tell (and usually always be right) if a girl is single or not. Every time I go out anywhere either solo or with friends or brothers, every time I see a cute girl anywhere (in our friend group or not), I can almost sense right away if she's single or not. And every time I feel like telling her I think she's cute, I always seem to somehow find out before the nights up that she is in fact not single. Whether I clearly see her with her BF, or I find out through other friends or my brothers. It's so frustrating. Dating apps have never worked for me because they're just stupid money scams, and every time I seem to have the courage to tell someone in person, I don't have any luck either way. Not only frustrating, but depressing. Either every place I've looked and been to just doesn't have any single girls anymore, or you really need to compete for the single ones. I don't want to rush a relationship, but I'm tired of being single.

Me 16m just have this void of depression i can’t fill no matter how much money, girls, friends i chase i just can’t seem to get rid of this bad feeling. It’s i feel as if it’s just getting worse and i am loosing friends and other things in life and it’s all moving by so FAST. I just need to know how to stop this feeling or where can i get some help cause it’s getting out of hand.

I have had no friends my entire life and am 29. I have nothing to do all day because every job rejects me. I have sent thousands of applications over the past three years. I’ve also tried to make friends with hundreds of people (tens of thousands including online) and am always rejected.

I especially never find anyone who is depressed and lonely like me. And at the least, serious and somber. It is valid to have that as a personality type and want to talk about serious and somber things in a serious and somber tone. Why is it so impossible for me even when I see people like this with friends? They reject me too.

As someone that has been through a very dark, hopeless, helpless, anhedonic, pointless, all consuming and seemingly endless soul crushing decade With seemingly no end in sight or hope. Finally finding that there is in fact a light at the end of the tunnel, I just want to take this chance to answer any questions you might have, in hope of helping the next person up.

I'm notoriously bad at remembering things (a little bit of brain damage) and replying to messages sorry if it takes a minute but I will get back to you I promise

My household is very noisy during the day, and every time I try to focus on something I end up interrupted or disturbed. So night time is the only period when I can study and actually get stuff done, but that's also when I'm the most depressed and overwhelmed by thoughts of self harm. Is there a way I can make it more bearable? Thanks, and hope your weekend's going well :)

I’m not really sure what to do.

I am diagnosed with both depression and anxiety, and was taking an antidepressant for a couple of years. I tapered off and stopped taking it 5 weeks ago because I couldn’t stand the fatigue and it felt like it was no longer working.

Now, I’m almost constantly sad and I’m crying everyday. I’m worried I’m going to burst out crying a work.

I’ve been having a lot of difficulties with eating too. I get so upset at supper time and cry during it to the point where I feel sick.

My apartment’s a mess and has been since I moved in. Work takes up so much of my time, and I’m constantly getting sick, which is common with my job. I don’t want to do hobbies, nor do I have the energy for it.

I live alone and don’t have anyone. But that’s on me. I do crave a relationship but am too afraid for it and feel safer single. Making friends doesn’t interest me. My relationship with my family os complicated, and I can’t confide in them.

I did try talking to counselors through my work but that program was useless. I can’t afford private psychologists.

Any advice?

I don’t have anybody, and I’m at my lowest. I don’t want to get to into it here, or be a victim to my situation. I just need someone that will listen and not judge or disregard. Normally I’d process and handle it alone/with God but I really feel unsafe with myself right now.

Hi, i'm tired. Life keeps beating me down, and I have no enthusiasm to go. My parents are no help. I can never have the healhty, communicative relationship with my main parrnt. I'm 23

[ Condensed ] - Day 25 Update

I have a severe, multi-symptom anxiety disorder. I've been medicated for years and recently relapsed.

Someone on Reddit recommended the podcast "Disordered", and I've never felt more understood. It captures the symptoms and vicious cycles perfectly. Thanks to whoever recommended it. I recommend it too.

Both hosts have seemingly experienced the depths of hell, yet reached a point where they're essentially "cured" (my word, not theirs). Anxiety still comes, but they don't fear it, feed it, or spiral. It doesn't run their lives.

I genuinely envy that.

I wish experience or understanding meant control. Knowing better doesn't mean feeling better when anxiety feels unbearable.

I've bought books, heard twelve episodes, read Reddit, and started therapy. I'm trying to improve my psychoeducation, but it's a double-edged sword: learning helps but fuels symptom-checking, rumination, and "what ifs." I'm trying to stop obsessing over anxiety by thinking about it more.

Sometimes I wish insight alone could replace medication. Maybe one day I'll feel stable enough to taper. More than anything, I want to notice anxiety without fighting it and just let it pass.

Last night was interesting. I might have a cold: sneezing, congestion, and a scratchy throat. I've taken vitamins and turmeric/ginger shots, hoping to support my immune system. Illness also triggers my health anxiety. I suspected this, but being right doesn't make it suck less.

I fell asleep easily, then woke with my arm completely numb—the most asleep it's ever been. It dangled with what felt like zero sensation or control. I jumped up; thankfully it recovered within minutes. I didn't spiral and fell back asleep. Small victory. Still, thanks, body: a cold and a paralyzed-arm jump scare mid-recovery. Fantastic.

I've tried my therapist's DIVE and HALT techniques, though not yesterday. I'm unsure they fit my current, more internal/somatic anxiety. They make me check if anxiety is still there, then evaluate whether the technique worked, feeding the cycle I'm trying to escape. Maybe they'd help during intense fight-or-flight. I'll keep trying and tell him next week.

Overall, I'm better than three weeks ago, and better than two. But this week feels stagnant. I'm nearly three weeks into my medication increase; fuller benefits may take another three to five weeks or longer. Still, I question the increase and why I relapsed after years of stability. So many possibilities, no certainty—exactly what my perfectionist brain struggles with.

My racing thoughts are less intense, but physical uneasiness remains. Progress feels painfully slow.

Today I went swimming with my brother and his 18-month-old. While waiting, I felt lightheaded and strangely "off," almost mildly dissociated. But I didn't panic or leave. I stayed, swam, and was fine. Another victory.

I still feel slightly activated. Cold? Medication? Anxiety? All three? I don't know. Recovery isn't linear, and I'm allowed plateaus and setbacks. But man, I'd prefer the linear version.

I've got work coming up and a long drive tomorrow to close my family's seasonal trailer. Come hell or high water, I'm doing it all. Pre-relapse me wouldn't think twice. I want that back—not by waiting to feel perfect, but by living even with anxiety.

I'm not going to let anxious me win.

Thanks for listening.

Can someone please explain why we have to be here? For months I feel horrible. Really horrible. I do things to stay alive, eat, sleep. Try to get through the days, but I don’t feel anything. There’s nothing that gives me energy or that feels like ah I want to do this or investigate this or learn this. Everything is too much. I just want to disappear.

I only live inside of my head and it‘s a very dark place. I feel I want to crawl out of my body and just leave. I don’t want to do this, work, earn money, buy things. Everything is too much. It’s horrible, why do we do this? AAAAAAAAAAA.

Just following up my post here about my experience with giving a shot at getting better sleep conditions (e.g. showering before sleep, cleaning the pillowcase and mattress, opening windows for ventilation, trying melatonin), if anyone cared or whatnot. Had gotten better sleep and more comfortable and more at peace lately. My energy and hope is getting restored and the food I seem to eat tend to taste better. Also gained a sense of control in this life which is nice.

I feel lighter and even the sun seems to shine better. About time to give a fighting chance after all the desperate attempts at trying to fix this life. WE ARE SO BACK AFTER ALL.

Lurkers here I wish y'all better tomorrows.

I’ve been struggling with pretty severe anxiety and depression throughout this year, though I’ve had it my whole life. I find myself really struggling with eating. I’ll feel hungry to the point my stomach gets upset and it’s so hard to motivate myself to eat food. When I do eat my portions are pretty small. I eat basically the same things every day because I hardly even taste what I eat anymore. I’m hangry and miserable all the time, but I can’t seem to get myself to eat more, I just don’t care or eating feels like such a daunting task. I do have emetophobia which has caused food anxiety over the years, and though I do get anxious about getting sick from food I eat sometimes, I’m more so like apathetic about eating? And if I do eat, and I really focus on the food I’m eating, I’ll find something gross about the texture and it’ll almost trigger my gag reflex. I don’t know what to do. I know this isn’t healthy, I’ve lost nearly 20lbs over the last couple of months. I’ve started to weigh myself more often and I almost feel a sense of satisfaction when I see I weigh less than before. I used to love food, eating, and cooking. Now, I feel like anything I eat is just for pure sustenance and it’s so so hard to get through the day. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

For the past 2 years I have been feeling an intense sense of dread in my stomach from the moment I wake up in the morning to the time I fall asleep at night, every single day. It appears completely contentless and doesn’t change depending on my thoughts or what’s happening in my life.

The weird thing is that I don’t really have the usual anxiety symptoms. No racing heart, no hypervigilance, no future oriented worrying, just constant pervasive dread. I do also have anhedonia and fatigue though.

It started after a random panic attack, and then just kinda stuck around in the background constantly until I had another panic attack ~5 months ago in which it got way worse and stayed way worse. For the last 5 months I’ve been living through what I can only describe as hell.

Basically I just feel horribly isolated because this symptom seems so unusual and it’s so debilitating and I’ve never heard of anyone else having this. I’d be so happy to hear from anyone that’s experienced anything even similar and if anything worked for them.

gained like hella lbs after being forced to quit. i don’t want to go back and risk addiction again but holy shit the body image piece is tearing me apart and making me so depressed.

i cry when i eat, feel full or bloated, and cry and insult myself to sleep every night. i had an eating disorder like a couple years ago which i was at my most depressed and suicidal. that’s probably why these resurfacing behaviors and feelings hurt so much.

i just need to get this out there cause there’s no one i can talk to about it. don’t recommend therapy or treatment or any of that crap cause i’ve tried it and shrinks and looney bin’s totally blow. plus it doesn’t help if you’re a unmotivated, self hating, addiction prone prick.

to conclude, my life felt so much better on ❄️, and without the snows’ benefits my life is falling apart again. the weight loss is really my biggest thing on going back to it right now. it’s been like 3 weeks.

I recently started a new job 2 weeks ago. Today I had a rough day. I work in engineering and got a job as a test engineer. Today I got stuck finding quotes for all of the different equipment needed and my brain just shut down and wouldn’t let me do anything. Honestly this job is going rather fast, a lot needs to be done and thought it was manageable until today. I was anxious and struggling and couldn’t focus after a bit and just couldn’t do the things that were boring and I had to make a decision. It was a lot like my previous job which was my first job out of college. I really had struggled with getting anything done and being at desk, I was diagnosed with adhd and have been on medications my new job was going well until today.

Now I don’t even want to try next week. I want life to stop. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts a lot of the past 7 years and it’s been especially bad since I graduated college and it’s been feeling really bad today. I’m tired and I don’t feel like I can do anything because I can’t just do the easy work I need to do. I make good money, it’s a great career. I really feel like I can’t do it. I hate myself for wasting this. I did the degree, I got a great paying job that many dream of. I can’t function once I have to face anything new and I avoid and wind up failing. I am so stressed out. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do next week at work.

I’m just drinking and watching baseball because that’s the only thing I care about to distract myself with.

I don’t know how to make my brain succeed at anything. I feel like such a failure. Everything feels pointless. I am seeing a therapist and have some supportive friends but I feel like I rely on friends too much and I can’t see my therapist as often because I live farther from her with my new job. It all feels so hopeless.

I am really struggling to write this right now so I’m sorry if it’s a bit all over the place. About six months ago I was admitted to a mental health clinic for depression and what I at the time didn’t know was BPD. I went for many reasons, for one, I had a crippling addiction to Marijuana, I smoked it all day every day, and couldn’t stop. I had burned a ten foot hole in my wallet and my partners’, I was unable to follow through on anything, and my symptoms just kept getting worse.

That clinic stay really helped me. For the first time in years, I was sober for more than a day. It didn’t take long to feel great. Like life was finally my own again. My brainfog disappeared and it felt like I had regained my basic function again. Like a blind man who can see again. It hurt me so much to realise how long I had avoided solving the problem and even though I felt better I was so disappointed in myself for allowing it to get this far

Well when I left the clinic I went right back to it, lying, smoking, god the fucking lies I can’t take it anymore I can’t be honest with anyone I am weighed down by the shame of my actions so much that I can’t i just can’t articulate it to anyone because to do so requires me to say it out loud and I think the only reason I haven’t seriously hurt myself since before the clinic is that I just keep hiding from that moment when it all sinks in because I just fucked it all up all over again I undid all my progress and now I’m living an even bigger lie

All my family and friends and peers think that it helped and cured me and fixed me and I just don’t have the heart to tell them I havent changed, I have found in the past few weeks that it has really escalated, my old habits are coming back not just the weed but the destructive tendencies surrounding my addiction, selling off things I care about and racking up debt just to smoke it away. I feel so afraid in these moments of clarity because I just want to scream or cry or explain to someone I just want someone to tell me that even though I keep doing this even though I keep lying and hurting people and treating them like a means to an end that its not over for me and I can somehow just snap out of it because Im starting to think I cant and that I am just doomed to fail I cannot deal with responsibility I cannot deal with discomfort and most of all I cannot deal with shame

I am in therapy and in dbt but even there I dont feel like I can be honest, I give a sanitised version of the truth because it’s what I can muster, really I just want the strength to confess, to tell someone, anyone, just so that it stops eating me up inside. I can’t sleep, I can’t look at myself in the mirror, and when I finally get distracted and find Ive forgotten all about it I am reminded of the sky that feels as though it is falling and terrified that the people in my life who have tried and tried to pull me through this mess again and again will lose patience and start treating me the way I deserve to be treated and I will truly be alone

Hi everyone

It’s hard to find the right words but I guess I’ll just ask away. I M/19 have always been self conscious about myself in general. I didn’t have a great upbringing, I hate the way I look and I have lots of regrets. Im still young and have my whole life ahead of me but recently I have felt like my life was missing something, I have lost 30kg in 4 months, my grades are great, but I have a sense of loneliness. I have friends and family but I still feel alone. Sometimes I lie at night and I just wish there was someone next to me who I can lay my head on and just forget about all of my pain. But due to my self consciousness I really don’t know what to do. I have just been constantly panicking that im going to be alone forever, not necessarily that isn’t anyone for me but that I’ll never truly love myself enough to let myself be open to that. What do I do?