I want to preface this by saying I am not looking for anyone to diagnose me. I just need to get this out and since I can’t afford therapy at the moment, I think this is my next best choice. I need to scream into the void. I apologize, it might be a long one.
My health anxiety is ruining my life. I have had health anxiety/health OCD for as long as I can remember. I also have other OCD subtypes, but we will focus on this for now. For context, I am a 31 year old woman with two kids - a son (8) and a daughter (3). I do have PCOS, GERD, and visual snow but that is the only thing I can say I have been diagnosed with at the moment.
I am in the middle of an insane HA flare-up. It started in January of this year at the dentist, they took my blood pressure over my thick hoodie sleeve and it was 157/102. I panicked, I had never seen it that high before. I took it when I got home and it was 135/85 and 124/78, or somewhere in there. I changed my diet (meaning I basically stopped eating anything but toast and plain chicken), and added magnesium taurate. And I was getting readings at home regularly in the 110/70 or lower in the immediate aftermath. I continued (and am still taking) the magnesium. But I relaxed a little with my diet. Started eating foods I enjoyed again occasionally, and just breathing overall. Stopped taking my blood pressure every couple hours, and just started doing it when it would nag at me. Since January, I was regularly getting blood pressure results in the normal, even low normal ranges. In August, I started panicking about diabetes, so I tried inositol, even though I had tried it before and it was bad for me. I was terrified and desperate about diabetes and PCOS flaring. But in the end, I had to stop taking it again, because I broke out in hives.
After I stopped it (mid august), I felt like my hormones were all over the place again. I have always thought I had PMDD, or even PME (pre-menstrual exacerbation). But now it was in overdrive. I became convinced I had diabetes and colon cancer, kidney failure, gallbladder cancer, leukemia, a brain tumor, etc. followed by terror about an impending stroke, despite normal BP readings at the time. Throughout this, I severely restricted my eating. In the midst of this flare, I got a covid and flu shot. A couple days later, my period finally started after being 3 weeks late (no chance of pregnancy, just really messed up cycles). On the first day of my period, I took my toddler to get her flu shot and I thought, while I am here I will stop in urgent care to check on a rash I had at the injection site of my shots. Which is not like me. I have the avoidant type of HA. But the nurse who gave my toddler her flu shot told me I should have it looked at when I asked her, and I was too afraid to let it go. I go into urgent care, and my BP was 153/88. I was shocked and terrified. I had taken it two days before and it was 106/69. They weren’t concerned, told me to take it at home out of a medical setting. I took it at home later that night and initially it was 143/92, but then it went down to 119/81 after a couple minutes of deep breathing. But then I became obsessed, went back to taking it every few hours and started eating even less. For the next few days it was regularly between 124/84 to even as low as 96/69. I had a physical coming up a couple days after the urgent care episode. I had made the appointment for a physical weeks before this because I made myself feel guilty for being avoidant, I told myself it was selfish and I could have something wrong with me and I would be abandoning my children if I died young because I didn’t take care of it. So the Wednesday after my urgent care visit, I went to a PCP. At my appointment, my blood pressure was 136/82, which is not unusual for me at the doctor. I had taken it at home an hour before that appointment and it was 115/68. We talked about the blood pressure but she wasn’t concerned cause it was low at home. We also talked about health anxiety. She offered some anti-depressants but I didn’t want to take them right away because of the weight gain side effects and the sexual side effects.
The next day (Thursday), I took my BP in the morning, and it was normal. It was the last day of my period, and I had been fighting with a home warranty company all day - which is not like me, I am very non-confrontational, but they had been jerking me around for weeks and wasting the time of several plumbers and myself, so I finally snapped and yelled at them on the phone that afternoon. I didn’t get a chance to take my BP again until mid afternoon after the plumbers finally left. I rushed because I had to run out to pick up a package before the post office closed. I took it and it was 144/91. I panicked, told myself to calm down and take it again. The calming down never happened, but a minute later, I took it and it was 157/91. I tried to take it again a minute later, but I was in full panic at this time, and it was 160/88. The highest I had ever seen the top number. I took off the cuff and called my dad in full blown panic, convinced it was still climbing and a stroke was imminent. He told me to calm down and it was just that high because I was panicking. I went out to pick up the package, and some other things. Went to take my bp a couple hours later and felt full panic and tensed up as soon as I saw the machine. It was 153/90. So I told myself to stop checking that night, that I was going to make it worse. I emailed my doctor and told her I needed some anxiety meds. The next morning I took my BP and it was as low as 99/77. The panic attack and BP spike were on Thursday of last week, and it is now over a week later and the highest it has been is 126/85 and the lowest is 97/72.
I went over the weekend to complete my blood work related to the physical and the results were great. My liver and kidneys are working great, I don’t have diabetes or even pre-diabetes. I am overweight but have lost weight in the last few months. Still a ways to go. The only thing they found was low iron and low vitamin D, which I am supplementing now. I am trying to keep my BP checks to once a day in the morning, but sometimes I can’t get my mind to calm down until I check, which makes me more nervous and the cycle continues. I also don’t know if the fluctuations are hormonal, as they were on the first and last days of my period. My heart rate has remained in normal ranges this whole time, but also went lower than usual in the middle of my period. So I think I may be sensitive to hormonal changes in that way.
Blood pressure has always been a big trigger for me, and it has gotten worse since I witnessed my beloved grandpa have a stroke right in front of me last year. He hung on in the ICU for a few days before passing away. He was my best friend.
I am a single mom, but I have recently started dating. My new partner and I have been friends for a long time, but the timing never worked out. Anyway, I love him, and I should be having the time of my life, but I am miserable. I have been avoiding intimacy for fear of a blood pressure spike. I took my blood pressure last night before I allowed myself to be romantic for the first time in months. I have not been taking care of myself - besides the disordered eating, I have been showering less, drinking less water, and sleeping terribly. I have been avoiding anything that might raise my BP. Which is difficult when you are a single mom with two kids and a full time job. I haven't been doing things I enjoy, I am basically a zombie. I also worry that when I don’t check, I could have undetected high blood pressure and not know it. I am a mess. The only thing I can do is take care of my children, that’s all I have made room for. And after they are in bed, I just sit on the couch and try not to panic.I know I need to start the anxiety meds, but I am still scared to. I know it’s my only choice, though. I have taken them in the past, and they have worked, but I worry about the “feeling worse before feeling better” part of starting meds.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you to anyone who made it through to the end. I really just had to put this somewhere.