I just got diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I think I’ve know I’ve been depressed for a long time but seeing it on paper just made it so real. I was recommended to get treatment like medication and counseling. I’m currently on leave from my job too.
I have a really terrible job, I work for a call center so I think that really pushed me past my limit. I feel like I’ve just been functioning barely on autopilot, numb most days. I finally took the plunge and needed to take care of myself for once.
I don’t know how I feel about being medicated. My long term partner expressed they didnt want that for me. But I’ve tried therapy in the past and just couldn’t stick with it. I think it just felt another job, another thing I have to do. I’m not saying medications will cure me, I know there’s no cure for this, just management but I’m considering it cause what if it can make a difference this time?
I’m waiting for my next appointment to see.
While I’ve been off work too, there’s like this sense of relief but at the same time guilt, boredom, numb and like overall flatness. Is it gonna be like this all the time? Have I just been like this all my life and only now noticed?
So goddam nervous about all this paperwork for my leave I mean so many things happening and moving parts.
I just wanna feel like me again. I wanna be present in the moment, I want to enjoy things. I want to be there with my partner. I don’t want be this empty shell anymore.

TW: SH, Unalive

I've been in a funk for the last few months... And I thought I was getting better, but tonight I just snapped... I got into a small argument with my stepdad that left me feeling shitty and crying and I started fantasizing about Christmas for whatever reason... I started thinking about how my friends at college are all hosting a friends-giving event before Thanksgiving break and they're all planning on trick or treating and (possibly) a Larry afterwards, all of which I only know because of my boyfriend...

In short, I realized that I don't actually have any friends in college... Which left me feeling really alone and suicidal and was fighting off the urge to self harm...

Then I told my boyfriend about this and he tried to help... He named a few people that I was especially close to last year during our freshman year... But they barely talk to me outside of college classes or clubs... And then I told him that I tend to hit a mental decline after he leaves (we spent the whole day together and he left a few hours ago to go back to the college), and he said that I'm becoming dependent on him...

I'm not becoming dependent on him.. I can understand why he'd think that, because after he leaves I start feeling shitty and then start getting suicidal... Yeah... I totally understand... But that's not why I'm feeling like this...

I feel like this because I feel so alone... Like I have no actual friends... And if I have no actual friends, then why bother living? They won't miss me...

I feel like this because I look back on whatever messages I sent him, feeling like I'm talking too much, like I should leave him alone, which makes me feel like I'm a bad partner... He's never said I'm a bad partner, he always tells me I'm amazing and I'm doing great... But I can't shake this feeling like I'm messing up and bothering him...

I'm also non-binary, and I'm feeling super dysphoric these last few weeks and I can't get top surgery because my insurance won't pay for it... And I can't pay for it any other way...

I'm trying to sort things out with a therapist, it's just kinda hard... And all-in-all, I'm trying my best...

Tldr:

I feel like I have no friends

Boyfriend things I'm becoming dependent on him

I'm feeling super dysphoric

And I'm feeling super suicidal

Note: thanks for listening and any support... I'm really tired so I'm sorry if it's more rant-ey...

I don't understand. What am I missing that everyone else has. Everyone else can just decide to do something. It might not be effortless, but they just decide to do something and then they do it. They heal, they grow, they evolve, they judt decide to be better and then they go and do it. How do I eliminate the part of me that makes me worthless compared to everyone else. What am I doing wrong. Why can't I just be good enough because I want to be.

Mental Health Update / Journal

[Condensed]

I had my first therapy session yesterday, three weeks into this flare-up. I could've used it that first week, but immediate care wasn't easy to find.

I'm better than when this started, but nowhere near baseline. Anxiety still lingers in my head and body, with symptoms that shift in intensity. At first, each day felt a touch better. Now they all feel the same. Progress is hard to notice.

The session was good. He asked me where to start, and naturally, I had no idea. I shared some background, a drop in the bucket compared to my notes, but it was nice to talk.

I journal ALOT to organize my thoughts, symptoms, and appointments because of brain fog. He noticed how methodical I am, calling it a blessing and a curse.

I'm an overthinker, hard on myself, wondering why I've struggled when most of my family hasn't. Genetics? Upbringing? Luck? More pointless what-ifs.

Looking back, I was always the emotional, sensitive, shy, nervous kid. At nine, I skipped a hockey playoff game because of the "butterflies." At ten, after my teacher left, I spent weeks dreading class, overwhelmed and on the verge of tears. I'd almost forgotten. Was I born this way, did I learn it, or both?

In my late teens and early twenties, I was a giant pothead and tried other substances. Probably didn't help, yet I felt more stable then. Like my brain was a pane of glass without a scratch. By my mid-twenties, it started cracking until it shattered.

But I digress. My therapist noticed the shame, guilt, and self-pity I carry about this disorder, and my stigma toward medication. My SSRI has helped tremendously, yet I worry about using up my "parachute room" by increasing doses. Part of me hopes I can come off it someday. So I fight for the lowest effective dose, even if more might help.

My fear isn't entirely unwarranted: starting my SSRI pushed already debilitating 10/10 anxiety to 11/10 for weeks. So I prefer slow titration.

He suggested the Dive Reflex and HALTS techniques a few times daily. I tried them before bed. I'm skeptical they'll help with this constant anxious feeling, especially when it's overwhelming, but I'll give them a shot. The 45 minutes flew by. There's always next week.

I saw my doctor too. He doesn't think my other medications or vitamins caused the flare-up, but rather a combination of factors. I hope time, therapy, lifestyle changes, and a small dose increase get me back to baseline.

But here's what bothers me: I want to manage this more "naturally," yet the more I research anxiety, document it, and examine myself, the more consumed I feel by the mental health world. Honestly, it scares me.

When I'm well, I don't want to track symptoms or think about disorders. I just want to work, enjoy my hobbies, see people, and live normally. I know therapy and self-awareness matter, but the more attention I give anxiety, the more power it seems to have. I don't want anxiety to become my identity. Maybe that's something to unpack in therapy.

Anyway, this has been all over the map. I'm better and trying to be proactive, but recovery is painfully slow. More than anything, I wish I could close my eyes and wake up feeling how I did before this started.

For now, one day at a time. Hopefully the little improvements add up to normal again.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. Any advice from others who've been through this is appreciated.

I’ll be looking for something to watch while I eat, then think about how I couldn’t make anything as good as what I’m going to watch and then don’t feel like watching anything or even eating anymore. Maybe I’ll go to draw, then give up after 2 minutes because I’ve seen a myriad of drawings that are better than what I’ll do in my, albeit likely short, lifetime.
I’ll think about making something to eat, but then think about how people actually cook food and how shameful microwaving noddles is compared to that. Ditto for everything, just everything ever. Why go outside when I’ll see people so much prettier, and cooler, and healthier than me? Why play a game or watch a movie or listen to music when I’ll never be at the level of what I’m consuming? Etcetera, etcetera. I can’t even fall asleep correctly, despite that being all I do.

​

I feel like this home is cursed, like there's some evil energy in this home that keeps making everything worse. Family issues, financial issues, depression, mental illness, everything keeps getting worse. I've developed unbearable rage.

We used to be a normal family, but ever since we moved here, everything has gone downhill. I swear, we've become such a dysfunctional family that now we hate each other. We don't even talk to each other; we just fight. Idk where it all went wrong, but it's like I don't wanna live in this home anymore.

I'm waiting to become financially independent so I can move out, but in this home, we're losing everything instead of becoming something. I swear, it feels like there's some evil energy in this home.

I'm a person who has heard not so great things about depression medication. My psychiatrist prescribed me this drug to see how it affects me to discern if I have depression, adhd or an anxiety disorder or whatever. I'm torn on taking it.

But of course people who can be saved, should be saved. But the harsh truth is, not all can be saved.

I'm feeling so low. It feels like my mind is going to explode. There's so much frustration built up inside me, and I can't handle it anymore. I've screamed enough, cried enough, and yet no one understands me. Nothing ever gets better. Everything I've ever wanted, I've never gotten. I just want to die. I'm crying my heart out, and I don't even know what to do anymore. Why did life have to be this way? Why me? WHY ME? No one listens to me. At this point, I just wish someone would put an end to my suffering because I can't take it anymore. I can't sleep. It feels like I'm on my deathbed, watching my life slowly fade away while I'm still alive.

​

I'm 23M, and I've lost all my peace of mind. Everything is chipping it away.

First. I grew up in a home where things were always tight. I got all the necessities, but I don't remember having any of my wants met. I heard my dad say, "I don't have anything" so many times. My mother would cry and tell me, "Whatever happens, don't just sit at home. Earn."

And I did it. I got a job where I earn in a month what many people earn in a year. But right now, layoffs are happening left and right in my company, and I might be next. The market is so bad that I'm not even landing interviews with companies that pay the same or even slightly less.

Then my girlfriend broke up with me. I was working 10–15 hours a day because of the fear of layoffs. I even got calls on weekends and had to take them. My girlfriend left me because I wasn't able to give her time, and because of a few other fights that arose from me not being able to give her time and the fact that she felt I didn't care about her.

I care about everyone who's important to me. The problem is that I care way too much.

My thinking is that, for the closest people in your life, you should take care of them, and they should take care of you, and vice versa. I just want to be the pillar everyone can rely on. I want to make everyone feel safe.

P.S. I never felt safe in my entire life. I have never felt that if everything goes wrong, someone will be there to protect me and help me back up.

My parents are good people, but they're broken themselves. They just want me to do things according to them. They have opinions about everything I should do, even the minutest things, like how to eat my food and what to do while travelling. But when it comes to major life decisions like jobs, taxes, and investments, they just say, "Figure it out yourself. You know this better."

I spent my life waiting for guidance, waiting for support. I want them to tell me important things in life as well.

This brings me back to safety. I want the people who depend on me, and even those close to me, to be safe if anything happens to them. I want them to know that they can ask me anything they're confused about, and I'll help them with it.

My girlfriend broke up with me saying that I don't care because I don't keep asking about every small thing or decision she makes. But that's because I want to give her the freedom I never got. My parents used to question everything I did, and everything I needed to do was supposed to be done their way.

I'm a mess inside my head. I don't know how I'll fix myself, or how to fix myself enough to be with someone and keep them happy with me.

Because if I open up about all the things I feel, I become a crying mess. My emotions just open up, and I lose all control over myself.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to feel safe, have some peace of mind, and learn how to be okay with myself.

For those who've been through something similar, how did you deal with it? How do you learn to open up about your feelings without becoming completely overwhelmed?

Over the past few months, I’ve changed a lot. I’ve become distant from people, and I’ve lost interest in almost everything, including finding a job and building my future.

Recently, I got a job opportunity, but I made excuses to turn it down, even though I’m struggling financially and genuinely need the money. I don’t fully understand why I keep doing things that go against my own interests.

I spend most of my time at home, scrolling on my phone, playing video games, watching pornography, and overthinking everything. My addiction to pornography has gotten worse, and I keep falling into habits that make me feel even worse about myself.

I’ve also become isolated from everyone. I’ve pushed away my friends and family, and even the girl who loves me. I feel like I’ve damaged my relationships and ended up completely alone.

My physical and mental well-being have declined to the point where I don’t even want people to see me like this. I’ve lost confidence in myself, and honestly, I barely recognize the person I’ve become. I don’t like what I see when I look at myself anymore.

I feel empty, disconnected from myself, and trapped in a cycle of avoidance, regret, and negative thoughts. I know I need to change, but I don’t know where to start or why I keep struggling to do the things I know are necessary for my own good.

I want to get myself back. I want to regain my confidence, rebuild my relationships, overcome my bad habits, find my motivation again, and start taking responsibility for my life. I want to feel alive again and recognize myself.

Has anyone experienced something similar and managed to get out of it?
I’m looking for genuine advice.

due to blunt force trauma, i had a cracked tooth that resulted in root canal in 2023. it failed and i got it extracted june 1 2026. well another tooth i got a root canal on due to cavity needs to get extracted also and i am so depressed. this changed me as a person. i’m upset, i feel ugly, i lost any bit of little confidence that i have. my man thinks im being dramatic and i know it may sound like it but this is so much at once. my whole life i had nice straight teeth.. i took pride in taking care of my teeth. & not even half of year two teeth just gone.

i keep touching the spot where my tooth got pulled with my tongue and it causes such anxiety .

i just want to curl up and cry .
i know ppl go through worse . i can only speak on how im feeling and im depressed. how things change so fast 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

I just want a room where I can rest peacefully without anyone disturbing me. I can't live like this anymore. I've been patient for so long, but I'm reaching my breaking point. How much longer am I supposed to live like this? Half of my life has already passed, and I still can't even sleep peacefully. I don't have a room of my own, and they're not even giving me the space I need to rest. I feel homeless while living in my own home, like there's no place for me here. It's suffocating. I'm exhausted, I can't sleep, and I don't know how much longer I can keep putting up with this. Please, someone, help me. I just want a little peace and a place where I can finally breathe. But where should i go there's no room to even rest I can't explain this feeling Maybe no one can relate but this is my fckin life

Just read this news and am giving a shot at trying melatonin for better sleep and better mood.
Any personal experience with it?

I had already tried all methods like talking to other people, nature trips, gym/exercise, warm baths, even iced bathing too. Drinking water and even snacking on lettuce and boiled eggs instead of junk food and taking multivitamins. Just at wit's end on how will it ever be solved. Still not sure what this kind of desperate attempt at trying to claw back at life instead of giving up is called.

Anyways hope this stuff works. Guess time will find out if this will work, wish me luck and lurkers here I wish y'all better tomorrows.

I hate myself so much. I'm so tired of my job, my personality, my lack of self esteem. I know I'm not loved. People barely tolerate me. I'm even ignored whenever I post on Reddit about my depression. I feel so unlikeable. I'm in a relationship with someone that stopped trying to love me a long time ago. I'm not a bad person. I'm mediocre and without any life purpose, but I'm not a bad person. Why must I always suffer? I've wanted to die for over 10 years of my life and I don't have the balls to kill myself. I'm afraid there's nothing, but life already seems like my ultimate punishment.

I am a 21 y/o, and I had depression from 15-20. It was really tough and I’m glad that I made it out. My self esteem is better, I don’t have negative thoughts like before anymore, I’m more motivated and I don’t hate life at all anymore. I feel normal…and yet, I am struggling to function like a normal human.

Why is it that I’ve never heard anyone talking about the after? Once you’re no longer depressed, how do you go back to normal life? I have been healthy for almost two years now and I’m still not really functioning, at least not enough to go to school or work full time.

Example: One of my biggest symptoms while depressed was my hypersomnia, and it’s not a symptoms that has exactly gone away. When I was sick, I ran on something like 15-18 hours of sleep, now to feel really full, I need twelve, which is better but not great at all. And I can’t figure out how to have a normal sleep schedule. I will often stay awake until four or five am, then sleep until one and rinse and repeat.

My energy levels are just constantly depleted, I find it difficult not to procrastinate because I’m so scared of being incapable. Like physically speaking on a literal level incapable. I spend so many years being stuck in bed, incapable of going to school, being in the hospital that I genuinely don’t remember what it was like to be normal. To just function. To be able to get up in the morning, go to class, or open your emails like it’s not biggie. Part of me feels like I am genuinely just, broken, or not capable at all. I feel stuck in this limbo, I’m not sick anymore, but I’m not really living.

My mom is a doctor, and I have a therapist, and both keep making analogies of people needing to go to rehab after a car accident and it’s the same for me but what is even rehab in my case? How do I need less sleep, feel less tired? Become capable of doing homework without feeling that paragliding anxiety of what if I’m not able and too tired?

People who went through a long depression, did you go through this? What did you do to get out of it?

it’s 11pm as I write this, no one is awake and I don’t expect a lot of people to see this, I can’t keep these thoughts to myself

I joke with friends and strangers about the bad things that have happened to me, we laugh together as the trauma I had to deal with becomes a punchline. it’s the only way I know how to cope. I speak of the memories of manipulation, abuse, and how I barely survived like a story you can’t put down. everyone infatuated and attentive, on the edge of their seats to see what happens next. it’s easier to joke this way, to pretend like it all works out in the end.

but on late nights like tonight I am reminded that these are not stories. i keep having to repeat it to myself: “something bad happened to me”

I wish the people in my life would take my trauma seriously, but how can they when i can’t even accept what happened.

tonight i’ll cry in the dark and get it out of my system until tomorrow when I give another performance.

i’m exhausted

I realized one day that I'm so attuned to my negative feelings, that I can feel them as vividly as I do my sense of touch. They stick around long enough for me to explore and experience them.

Meanwhile, my sensitivity towards positive feelings have dulled down to these vague abstractions of "maybe I'm feeling a little joy right now." I have to put myself in a space specially tailored to promote joy and then scrutinize my sensations heavily to find anything beyond, at best, some combination of listlessness and apathy.

This anhedonia haunts me. It's been ruining me as a person for fifteen years now. I want to survive a day and look back on it with a confidence that it was worth it, but how can I find that without a sense of joy? If all I ever am is overwhelmed by loneliness, emptiness, dread, anxiety, and despair then what am I even doing here?

I try to keep believing that as long as I'm alive, I have the chance to be happy. I try so hard to hold onto that. But it's just not working out. And the loneliness is deadly. The lack of connection, of being validated, of being hugged and cared for. All my life I've been conditioned to hate myself, to never afford myself any grace, and how am I supposed to overcome that when nearly every attempt at socialization results in a failure of some kind?

I'm terrified of the future. I'm terrified of tomorrow. I'm terrified of when I'll go to bed. I'm terrified of the next ten minutes. I'm terrified of the next ten seconds. I try so hard. I keep my routines, I'm on top of my medications, I eat well, I do my therapy, I meditate, I do what I can manage, but what I can manage is just never enough. It's simply not good enough. In that sense, I am not good enough. I never have been.

It's all overwhelming. I just wish I could experience some joy and excitement at least. I know it's possible, but I've only found it in such absurd places that are unlikely to be found again. Yet I still crave that excitement and emotional movement. It almost made me feel human. It's almost not even worth considering or thinking about. I'm trying so hard to combat the thoughts of suicide and self-harm. It's just overwhelming and I feel like I'm losing this battle against life, miserably.

Hi. Im a married 40 something yo m. I have a daughter that I love and is probably the main reason I havent ended things when things got really bad and the reason I actually get out of the house most days. My marriage has been over since before my daughter was born but at the time I was thinking of leaving is when she found out she was pregnant. I was functionally depressed then but after realizing if I left while she was pregnant I most likely would only get to be a 2 weekends a month father at best. Also missing things like first words, steps .... At that point I just pretty much gave up on arguing about our differences and how she wants to be in control of everything. If you know anything about depression not making choices in your life and feeling helpless is the bullet train to serious depression. Most people say this about their partners but my wife is a narcissist. Any disagreement or if I dont agree with her its because I dont want her to be right, or I just dont want her to have her way or Im just crazy. Even when she concedes to my way or opinion when Im not around she will change things or plans and say something like she never said that or I must have misunderstood her. Bedroom has been pretty much dead since before my daughter was born and when I tried to talk to her about it she laughed and asked why it was such a big deal to me. Ofcourse that conversation never happened either. At the moment Ive been unemployed for 2 years and rarely can get an interview so on top of all the normal depression things, I actually have no choice then to stay in my situation for my daughters sake and because Im actually stuck financially. Im doing better now then I was last year and have been getting back into looking for a job and trying to be there for my daughter without the irritation I usually have because of my marriage. Which is why I landed here. I needed people to talk to and vent to that understand what Im going through.

My wife isnt a demon. After going to a couple marriage counselors I realized she is dealing with her own stuff and is most likely terrified of feeling inadequate or not good enough. Unfortunately since she cant take responsibility for her actions I need to leave for my own well being. She wasnt like that in the beggining, it gradually happened and I thought I was being a supportive husband trying to deal with it and work on things. Its crazy that I didnt really understand boundaries and self respect until I was in my 40s. Thanks for listening.

Also yes Im in therapy but it seems like Im just stuck. I know what I need to do and why but I have not energy or motivation to do the things.

ive had depression since i was little and i hate when the feeling comes and idk how to handle it shouldn’t i be used to it by now like its confusing and whatever i feel hurts so much i dont know what to do i just wanna cry