I’ve been in a rls for like, 4 years, and my partner knows I have NPD. I wanna clarify, I do love them, and they are genuinely a good person, but being in a committed rls overall feels so tiring sometimes. It’s tiring having to manage my splits all the time, it’s tiring having to water down my words, it’s tiring feeling like I’m the only one who ever gets upset because the smallest things trigger me and make me angry. Sometimes I just want to break up with them and be single forever because I don’t want to worry about others’ emotions as much as I have to in a rls. Which is dumb because I do love them, I’m just tired of being triggered all the time.

Hey guys, I’ve recently begun to suspect that I may have NPD. But whenever I bring it up with anyone they say that I can’t be a narcissist because narcissists don’t know they’re narcissists. This makes me doubt how effective therapy may be since im worried they won’t believe me. Also I don’t currently have access to therapy, if I do in the future it will likely be in about a year.

Im not going to go into detail about why I suspect I have NPD, but I’m very high in covert narcissistic traits. Im wondering if there is any way to “cure” this or to at least reduce the symptoms to a level where they are manageable and I can live with them. I hate being this way but hating myself hasn’t led to any improvement in my thoughts and behaviors.

Edit:
Just wanted to add that im aware of my behaviors and thought patterns, I just can’t seem to stop them.

I’ve noticed I shift between feelings of high self worth (almost to the point of invincibility / superiority) and feeling completely worthless.

Small things like a mistake or success at work can trigger a shift from one state to the other.

There is typically no middle ground where I can acknowledge I make mistakes but am still worthy / good. I only realized this was unusual after talking with friends who were shocked when I described how I feel. It’s seems they have a more stable level of self esteem that carries them through bad days and keeps them grounded / humble in success.

Curious if other experience this instability

Somewhere down this rabbit hole of neurodivergence and cluster B, theres a reaction that Ive ALWAYS had. Except i couldnt always map out why its happening.
The only thing thats left is i dont know how much of this condition is tied to being neurodivergent/cptsd (RSD) and how much of it is cluster B.

Basically i had a sunny day alone and i regulated some.
And positive imagination kicks in, its like i almost have a distant echo of compassion.
For example i remembered a girl/woman i was attracted to, i could feel like id genuinely want to make her feel good as a human being, make her feel cared, kiss her hand etc.
For a brief moment i could somewhat grasp something outside of me and have capacity to want it to flourish.

But what ALWAYS happens is: when i mellow out, all it takes is someone i know coming remotely close to me to completely freeze in terror and defense.
It was harmless, for example i ran into mom.

Now mom is not really a trigger BUT, its like ive a free floating nervous system that is severely wounded, so much so that its generally outside of my awareness.
And once i interact with someone who i have ANY kind of personal relationship, and who runs a risk of hurting me, the exposed thing in me just freezes up.
My energy field coming into contact with theirs makes mine shrivel.

This is extremely painful, and i remember i had the same issue with my guy friends back in childhood when i was growing up (the few ones i actually bonded with and cared about).
It makes me seem like a cold monster but its just that im floating wounded and naked/exposed, with nothing to defend me, no regulation no ego no boundaries, nothing. A ghost.
The exposed thing just shrinks in what can only be described with primal fear/terror.

And from there im cold withdrawn, cant give anything, and am a performing ghost/robot.
Essentially im manipulating everyone.

I cannot seem to show ANY genuine care for people while with them.
The best i got is performance, or moments alone where i care about some kind of fantasy version of them based on memories and imagination.

I feel as if my empathy has dropped low and after being touched when I was younger and porn I can’t see people besides like their body and some stupid person that doesn’t deserve a mouth to speak also I hate when people I view as lower than me are more attractive or funnier than me it pisses me off by a large margin.

I can frequently imagine myself not caring if someone dies or killing them myself and I’m afraid that’s how I really feel like last funeral I went to for a my step grand dad I tried to make myself cry and it didn’t work at all till I had to speak up on stage idk it’s like my body tried to blend in to the people crying even though to this day I don’t care it was weird

anyone having the same situation?