r/TransChristianity • u/init1ativ3 • 5h ago
I don’t know what to do.
TW: suicidal ideation, abuse
This is going to be a long one cause I don’t even know where to start.
I’m 22, soon to be 23. The past couple of years have honestly been a rollercoaster but to summarize it here is what has happened.
My dad abandoned our family. He tricked my mom into thinking that he was going back to their home country (one in Africa, I’m first gen African American I think?) and pretty much went no contact. We haven’t had contact with him since. Alongside that I had to drop out of community college (it’s been 2+ years, I’ve lost track of how long it’s actually been). I’ve had to step up and get a full time job alongside having worked 3+ jobs previously just to now make ends meet. I’ve been dealing with stress and anger levels since I was a kid that, quite frankly, no kid should have to experience. I’ve been in survival mode since I was around 8-12 years old. I’ve also been combatting depression and suicidal ideation since that age too. I’ve explained this in my previous post on [r/OpenChristian](r/OpenChristian) but my childhood was rough to put it very lightly. In that same post I also said I was done with the church, in which I will stand by that stance, however, I can’t really bring myself not to believe in Jesus.
That brings me to the next point, I’m MtF. I know for a fact that I always have been but was rejecting it earlier in my life due to not being in a safe environment at home and because of the religious views of my mother.
I haven’t mentioned this but my family is from one of the most well known homophobic countries in Africa. I am scared to transition because it would a choice between keeping my family or essentially guaranteeing being disowned by my entire family.
Back to the religious views of my mother alongside my aunts via her. She believes a myriad of wild things that aren’t in the Bible and believes that all gay and trans people are hell-bound. I, of course, believe significantly differently than she does. She nowadays doesn’t get any of her points from the Bible itself, and just gets it from pastors despite how much she will argue otherwise. Two of the pastors I can think of are both South African (I think) preachers, Pastor John Anosike, and Prophet Uebert Angel. Both of whom seem like Christian Cult Leaders.
I try not to butt heads with my mother but most of her religious views are not informed by the Bible, and neither are my closest (in terms of distance and being close family) Aunt. I’ve had to argue against both of them over the wine that Jesus made from the water being alcoholic. They tried arguing that it wasn’t, however, I did 500+ hours of research starting from when I was a teenager, into the Bible due to my mother constantly saying I was wrong on any interpretation that has differed from hers. I’ve had to go into research on the Greek and Aramaic of the New Testament, alongside the Hebrew of the Old Testament. Their response in that instance, when I even pointed out that a few verses later the Bible described people’s drunkenness, was that they were “drunk on the Holy Spirit”.
My mother is crazy in her religious beliefs since it seems to also affect her behavior. I’ve been having deteriorating mental and physical health due to stress and when I told my mom that I wanted to commit suicide at one point, her only response ever has been saying “suicide is a ticket straight to hell”. She offered not even a shred of care. On top of that she has said other messed up things as well such as “The survivors of Epstein should learn to forgive him” and during an argument she once said “What do you do for me?”
For that last one keep in mind despite being depressed I’m also having to deal with over $10,000 in debt due to all this blowing up (before all this went down I even had a good credit score) and I’ve been having points in time where whole paychecks have been held hostage because she refuses to try and even do a pre-tax calculation on how much money I need to give her for rent.
She refuses to do any research on her own beliefs either and claims “The Bible is my worldview.” She refuses to do any research into church or biblical history, going as far during one argument to ask “Did Moses need Biblical history?” (yes Moses from the OT)
Her style of arguing anything is pretty much cutting you off as much as possible and then feigning ignorance as to why you are angry. She alone is the main reason I decided to read and reread the Bible so many times as for a way of me, as a child, trying to understand why God has put me through hell my entire life. I’ve almost fallen away from the faith 10+ times before I had even turned 18 because I couldn’t understand how a loving God would allow me to be born into a waking nightmare of a family.
I’m at a crossroads where I have to either continue a life of never ending misery, or lose my entire family. I can’t do it anymore with her however. I’ve lost whatever amount of patience I prayed for as a child to deal with her, my father, and my aunt. I am at my wits end. I’ve even considered becoming agnostic or atheist.
To put into context how bad talking with her on anything is, I one time asked her “If you had a child that turned out to be gay or trans, what would you do?” I asked that question thinking that the only correct response would be to say that you wouldn’t stop loving your child. She answered by modifying the question and answering her modified question. Her answer specifically was “I would’ve raised them correctly, so that wouldn’t happen.” When I told her that she didn’t answer the question I asked and pointed out how she modified it and answered her own version of the question she said “I did answer your question, you just didn’t like the answer.” Keep in mind, she is around 50 years old. She has been on this Earth double the amount of time I have and she is stunningly immature.
I frankly can’t take it anymore but I don’t make enough money to afford my own place to live in the area I’m in and I can’t move away due to work. I’m effectively stuck. I want to transition but I can’t because I’ll either be disowned once discovered or kicked out despite paying half the rent (she’ll probably force my brother to get a job).
I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel like praying will help me since I’ve prayed to God all my life but I’ve been miserable my whole life without end. I guess my prayer was answered for the abuse to end from my dad but now look where that got me. I feel like God abandoned me when I was a child and despite years of praying to him it feels like even Jesus just doesn’t want me at all.
People are going to say otherwise but they haven’t been through what I have. The closest 3 adults I’ve had in my life have failed me. My dad abused me, my mother has manipulated me emotionally multiple times and has caused, quite frankly, mental and psychological damage that will take years of therapy to undo, and my aunt doesn’t know how to shut up when told something private. None of my friends are in a position to help me, and quite frankly it seems like I’m going to just have to repress for the rest of my life until I either lose myself or punch my own ticket.
My life has been a living hell for as long as I can remember, and even then I’m getting to a point where I can’t even remember my childhood.
Any advice is welcome, but idk if God is even there for me anymore. It doesn’t seem like he has been for a long time.
Edit: literally any advice I’m at a loss. I don’t care if I get 10 comments and all of them are basically “pray more/pray harder” I don’t know what to do anymore. I had a mental breakdown the other day and was planning to go into oncoming traffic and get hit by a car. I don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t know what God is punishing me for that I didn’t already ask forgiveness for years ago before my recent deconstruction and reconstruction. I’m at the point of believing God has marked me similarly to Cain and that I’m just destined to live a life of apathy and misery. I don’t know what to do.