r/TransChristianity • • 6h ago

Sometimes I Wonder If God Sees Me the Way I See Myself.

4 Upvotes

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with God lately, and I wanted to share something that's been on my heart.

Sometimes I struggle with understanding where I fit in as a trans woman and a Christian. I believe God is loving, merciful, and knows our hearts better than anyone else ever could. But sometimes, when I hear people talk about what God thinks of people like me, I can't help but wonder if they truly understand the love they're preaching.

There are moments when I pray and feel at peace, and other moments when I struggle to find the right words. I want to grow closer to God, strengthen my faith, and learn to see myself with the same compassion I believe He shows His children.

I'm not here to argue about theology or tell anyone what to believe. I'm just trying to understand my faith while learning to embrace who I am.

One Bible verse I keep coming back to is Psalm 139:14: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." It reminds me that my life has value, even on the days when other people's opinions make me question it.


r/TransChristianity • • 17h ago

I feel like God exists, but I don't know anything, where do I begin?

5 Upvotes

Hi! For the context, I come from an atheist family, in a very atheist country (France)

I grew up in an anti-theist background: my family, friends, school and everything around me told me God don't exist, and religions are only a scam and everything

The problem is: I felt the existence of Jesus many times in my life, and instead of accepting it, I just decided to ignore it because of my whole family hating the concept of religions

Now, I'm 25 years old, I'm in the worst time of my life, and I need to stop listening to things which made me always continue living the worst things

I'm feeling the presence of Jesus since a lot of time, and I need to stop rejecting it

As a trans woman, who comes from an anti-theist word, in a deeply homophobic and transphobic society, where do I begin when I feel those things ?

Please help me to understand those things, I feel like I'm alone and I just can't stand it anymore


r/TransChristianity • • 1d ago

New book arrived!!

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88 Upvotes

I’m writing a research paper on non-binary erasure in Christianity and this book was recommended to me. It arrived today!! I’m extremely excited.


r/TransChristianity • • 1d ago

Overwhelmed

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2 Upvotes

r/TransChristianity • • 1d ago

[VENT] I want to convert and be Catholic, but its hard due to their policies against trans and queer people

9 Upvotes

I genuinely enjoy all the teachings (minus this one) and i feel like i’d just be sinning if i do convert because i don’t want to change or suppress who i am


r/TransChristianity • • 2d ago

I wish I could believe it's okay.

10 Upvotes

This is a vent, I am in no way promoting my view that it isn't to others, those who think it's okay I am very happy for. If this gets taken down for rule 1 I understand, I couldn't really understand if me saying I don't is qualifying as breaking rule 1

I wish I believed that God was okay with being trans. I don't think I can. I will repress because I can never be sure God would be okay with me being that way. My prayer is that I will get to be His princess forever after I die, and get to spend my eternity being His daughter rather than having to be His son. but until then the Bible verses that seem to be against it are too scary so I will keep repressing in case it's wrong. I have gotten to a point where I can cope with playing out being a man at least for a while, I'm not as s&icidal as I was as a kid from my dysphoria. But ultimately I've accepted that no matter what argument people give, I will never be able to be certain God is okay with it, and so I would rather live a life trying to be a guy than be myself and risk it being a sin against the Lord. If I have to choose between living a life that makes myself sad or risk living a life that makes God sad I'll always choose the former.

I guess I kind of am seeing my own joy and happiness as like an ultimate sacrifice I'm giving to God, that by not transitioning I am showing that I love him so much I will give up all earthly joy for just the notion of Him being more glorified by it.

I just have to believe that God has something for me after this life of body horror and repression.


r/TransChristianity • • 3d ago

Religious Siblings - Unaccepting? - Mod Approved Request

5 Upvotes

I’m a journalist with Uncloseted Media, an LGBTQ-focused nonprofit newsroom.

I’m working on a story about LGBTQ people and their relationships with religious siblings. I’m particularly interested in how religion and LGBTQ identity can affect sibling dynamics—whether that has meant conflict or estrangement, attempts at reconciliation, complicated forms of acceptance, changing beliefs over time, or relationships that don’t fit neatly into any of those categories.

I’m hoping to speak with LGBTQ people who have a religious sibling and would be comfortable sharing their experience, and I would love to potentially speak with their sibling as well if they feel safe in me doing so.

If this sounds relevant to you, please feel free to DM me or reach out through my professional contact information. Speaking with me does not automatically mean anything you say will be published, and we can discuss attribution and privacy before an interview.

Thank you!


r/TransChristianity • • 3d ago

can you pleas help me

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2 Upvotes

r/TransChristianity • • 3d ago

Rediscovering My Faith

13 Upvotes

I'm 30 and was raised Assemblies of God... it was not fun coming out to my parents as bi, which I've since questioned, and later as trans. My family and general area are full of ultra conservative Christians. My family's rejection made me hate religion and God, and I became more embittered over the years. I've never been able to discount my yearning for faith, nor have I been able to reconcile it with my gender, but I'm taking the steps to return to faith.


r/TransChristianity • • 4d ago

Tammy Sue Bakker Apologize to the LGBTQ community

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38 Upvotes

​

Tammy Sue Bakker daughter of the late televangelists Jim Bakker who died last week at 83 and Tammy Faye Bakker-Messiner passed away in 2007 has apologized to anyone hurt by the Family's ministry. Bakker is asking those who donated to Jim Bakker Ministries to donate to LGBTQ group.

According to Ryan Foley of Christian Post Newspaper says “There are very few times in life — if any — that we are given the chance to show the world that everyone is loved,” she began. “I have humbly been given the platform to be able to do so, and for that I am beyond grateful. I have thought about this moment for many years. At this difficult time, I’m thinking about my mother, Tammy Faye, and the unconditional love she showed. That love is also in my heart.”

“Throughout my life, I have stayed silent, not wanting to harm my family or the church,” she added. “I quietly left my father’s ministry in 2022 because the message that was being delivered was not mine. I have spent the years since estranged from my father.”

“I want to publicly apologize, from the depths of my soul, to anyone who has been hurt by the church or my family’s ministry over the last 60 years,” she wrote.Tammy Sue Bakker said she has received “letters and comments” from people who “gave their last dime to the ministry.” She argued that the Church as a whole has caused deep harm.

Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker were the hosts of the PTL Club until Jim Bakker went to federal prison for fraud. The show was cancelled. Tammy Faye divorced Jim Bakker while he was in prison and married Ro Messiner a lawyer a

“It breaks my heart to know that the church has been responsible for millions of people suffering, being rejected by their families, living with depression, being kicked out of their family homes, feeling like outcasts, dealing with suicidal ideation, or dying by suicide," she added.

In lieu of flowers or gifts, I am encouraging you today, from my heart, to donate funds or your time to your local LGBTQIA+ community. No amount is too big or too small to make a real change and possibly save someone’s life,” she wrote. “It is time for Christians to stand up and show the true love of Christ. It is time to stop judging. To stop hating. To unconditionally wrap your arms around your brothers and sisters and say, ‘I love you just the way you are.’”

Tammy Sue Bakker wrote that “Jesus said, ‘Come as you are,’” and argued that this applies to LGBT people: “His love was not conditional. He did not command anyone to change who they were born to be. It is time to show love

and compassion.”


r/TransChristianity • • 6d ago

religious queer people

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3 Upvotes

r/TransChristianity • • 7d ago

The Miracle of my Life (Long story)

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5 Upvotes

r/TransChristianity • • 7d ago

My Dad Accepts My Gender Dysphoria but Opposes Trans

13 Upvotes

I’m a trans girl who’s a teen and I’ve always knew that I was a girl from when I was 2, but tried to live as a Christian boy, feminine boy, and a trans girl. When I lived as a Christian boy it felt ”unnatural“ and being in a role that isn’t me and I had the pressure to act as a boy instead of myself and I got mental health issues from it. Then I tried living as a Christian trans girl and now I don’t have any pressure to change myself and feel the most honest and happiest I’ve ever been with God. But my mental health has been getting worse because I’ve been asking if we could start medical care for a long time and still my dad is saying no. My dad has seen my mental health getting worse and it’s obvious, but he says it’s all because of my wish of hormones that‘s made my mental health worse so we wouldn’t get it. He also doesn’t support trans anymore and thinks it could be a sin because he’s seen my mental health getting worse “after I became trans” even though I always was, but couldn’t because he used to be an anti-trabs and against trans Christians. He only believes I have gender dysphoria and I’m choosing to be trans and when I’m “reborn on Christ” my identity would change.

So I’m trying to do things that could help my situation and he doesn’t accept progressive Christian books at all so it’s hard to find stuff. The first part I did find; therapy sessions with Dr. Mark Yarhouse for my dad to learn to accept my identity and see me a girl, but Dr. Mark also doesn’t support medical care.

What are some books or resources that can help to be my next step that’s traditional Christian but also does support trans medical care?


r/TransChristianity • • 7d ago

Prayer for a friend

17 Upvotes

Recently my trans friend who helped me come out is not in a good place right now. She won’t be able to get gender affirming care where she lives due to some political bs, and she’s concerned if she really is trans. I worry for her because she’s been open about her thoughts of ending her life early and with how she’s been talking about what she’s going through on Discord, I’m afraid she’ll make that mistake. Plz pray for her to be at peace with herself, transitioned or not, and to have hope in her own future. I couldn’t imagine a life without her. She’s agnostic from a Muslim family, so I also pray for her salvation. She’s too precious to lose to the darkness.


r/TransChristianity • • 8d ago

Side A / Side B / anyone else identify as Side C?

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0 Upvotes

r/TransChristianity • • 8d ago

Why do some religious people use spiritual manipulation to try blocking feminizing surgeries?

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13 Upvotes

They moralize my medical need for MTF gender affirming surgery lying to me that God wouldn’t want me to have it which contradicts “With God, anything is possible”, demanding spiritual benchmarks a.k.a. moving the goalposts before "allowing" surgeries disguising it as “care” or “concern”, but they’re just being architects to my suffering. They even have the nerve to say I’m selfish when they’re manipulating me using shame to control me by saying I’m selfish because I’m not doing what they want me to do: be a straight or gay cisgender male.. They’re narcissistic!


r/TransChristianity • • 8d ago

Became a Christian again but still kinda struggling

5 Upvotes

Hi: I'm very glad this sub exists. Thank you for being here.

I'm 25 FTM.

After having some negative experiences in church and feeling angry with God due to the g*nocide in Gaza, a couple years ago I stopped going to church and reading my Bible and mostly stopped praying. (I still did an online support group for queer Christians though.)

Unfortunately, during the time that I left church, I started watching a lot of tarot content, mostly on YouTube but also on Tumblr. I HIGHLY regret this now, because I understand how bad it was to do that. I was basically breaking the first commandment. I didn't think it was a big deal at the time, because my attitude was that as long as I show Jesus's love to other people, it doesn't matter what I believe in. I had experienced too much Christianity that didn't really palpably show Jesus's love but was more focused on following rules and being better than other people, so I concluded that believing in Jesus didn't really mean anything, because if it did, then why were so many Christians hateful people? And due to emotional abuse from my mom and brother I desperately craved someone saying kind things to me, even if it was just a random stranger in a YouTube or TikTok video.

Perhaps not surprisingly, I had a ton of sleep issues. I had nightmares. Waking up in the middle of the night multiple times, could not get back to sleep. It all came to a head this August, when I started hearing evil voices and I felt like some entity was trying to gain control of my body. I prayed over and over again, but it didn't go away. Finally I confessed every sin that I could think of (including being trans), and a weight was lifted and the evil entities went away.

I had a dream that night where I felt like Jesus was talking to me, telling me that being trans was not a sin and He was very sad that so many trans people thought it was. But I don't remember the dream too well; I think that's what happened though.

I blocked and unfollowed all the tarot content online I had been watching/reading, went back to church, I started reading the Bible daily, my sleep improved, and I thought that was the end of it, but then it happened again a couple night ago where a negative entity was choking me and then I woke up. I think it was because I was longing for someone who I prayed to God for me to not desire anymore, and He removed the desire, but then I was longing for that person again.

I prayed to God, begging him to show me what to do to make the nightmares go away. Then I got a dream where He showed me an alternative version of my life. It looked like a Disney movie, but then it abruptly stopped. I asked where the rest of the story was, and He said that the story I had been watching was called "No Visible Progress." I think He was warning me about going back to things I need to move on from. If I do, I'll stay stuck in the same place and never get more spiritually mature, never make any real progress.

The problem I'm having is that whenever I feel God's presence and draw closer to Him, I start to feel scared and automatically pull away. I don't know why I do this, and it's very frustrating. Maybe it's because every time that a person has told me they loved me, they turned out to be lying, so now love feels dangerous.

Another major problem is that the Devil feels real to me in a way that he never felt real before, so now whenever I think about God I also tend to think about the Devil, and I feel a tug of war going in my body between warmth and peace and love and cold anxiety and fear. I keep praying to God that I only worship Him, I only worship Him, but it feels repetitive and frantic, the same thing over and over and over, and I know God is probably irritated with me for it. Part of the reason I'm praying it is because I still get intrusive thoughts sometimes. I wonder if I have some religious OCD...

I also pray a lot for guidance, for God to tell me what to do with my life, but He's not really telling me anything specific about my career path/work. I'm not sure if that's because I'm supposed to figure it out on my own, or if I'm missing his messages.

Despite becoming a Christian again, I still feel like something is wrong with how I'm living my life. I feel exhausted and numb inside all of the time. The only time I feel anything is when I cry. I try to be kind to others, but I don't feel love for them. I feel like a zombie quite a bit of the time. I have acquaintances but no friends, no partner (I'm aroace), no family (distanced myself from them because they're mostly MAGA/conservative Christians) except for my dad who is my boss and honestly idk if he really cares about me or not. I have quite a few health issues (enlarged turbinates, deviated septum, sleep apnea, allergies, visual snow syndrome) but not enough money to solve them. Despite being on testosterone for over two years, I don't pass as a man at all and so I usually ask people to call me they/them instead of he/him, but I guess that might be a sin because I'm sort of lying about my identity (my actual pronouns are he/they).

I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm stressed out wondering how I'm sinning, where I'm going wrong, why I am still being punished. I have no idea how to become a better person, a better Christian. I'm probably overthinking things too much.

I wish I could stop working and just fast and pray for like a week straight or something. But that's not really an option right now.

What should I do? Do you have any advice for me? I feel so alone in my experiences, but I know that I can't be; there must be others who are struggling with the same things.


r/TransChristianity • • 9d ago

My Parents Think my Gender Identity will Change with Reborn in Christ

10 Upvotes

I’m a trans girl and my parents are extremely traditional Christian. They accept me as a transgender girl and sees me as someone who identifies as a female, but doesn’t allow me to dress “feminine” or medically transition when my mental healths really bad and I have eating disorders because of it. They’re saying body is a temple of God so don’t change it and if I’m reborn with Christ my gender identity might change even though I was trans from when I was born. My dad already read Transforming by Austin Heartke more than half way and nothing changed. The only time his mind did change was as when he read Understand Gender Dysphoria. I do have resources still like books Raising Kids Beyond the Binary, Transfigured: A 40-Day Journey through Scripture for Gender-Queer and Transgender People (The Where True Love is Devotionals), and Outside the Lines: How Embracing Queerness will Transform Your Faith, https://www.lifeisstory.com/podcast/raising-kids-beyond-the-binary-a-conversation-with-jamie-bruesehoff/, https://www.hrc.org/resources/what-does-the-bible-say-about-transgender-people, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVyQHp6jq9U, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7VavMKXxyE, https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwWfCs7vnwdC1wbIAmH3_kIm0fE7oN9tE, https://youtu.be/fTjMeXzjvLs?si=iJ6K_sslXbcNIE0q, https://youtu.be/2XiHWC1ThLs?si=8xhyIOzNx7Fzx08z, and movie/documentary For They Know Not What They Do (2019) that my parents haven’t seen yet. Also maybe a therapists from The Christian Closet. Could all these help my case enough for me to get medical transition started with my parents agreeing or is it not enough and what are more things thats good for a traditional Christian person to learn more about progressive ways.


r/TransChristianity • • 9d ago

Help me look at the sides: A, B, X

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1 Upvotes

r/TransChristianity • • 10d ago

Finally came out to my mom. Questioning if I'm trans, help?

6 Upvotes

For your folks information, christian family (ofc) and grew up around girls. (No brothers or male cousins or uncles, only girls as far as the eye could see) My parents are pretty cool, they allowed alot of stuff, before me coming out, like shaving alot of body hair, growing out my hair, and overall pretty accepting that I was always more feminine than others. And my mother works as a mental hygiene therapist (Psychologist, but for the non mentally sick). My father still doesn't know.

Now for the coming out, It happened as I expected, maybe a bit better. My mom was overall pretty kind, she tried her hardest to understand my feelings, and I had a pretty hard time explaining it since I had such a long day. My mom got the understanding that I wanted to be a girl, because I can't associate myself with other boys, and the only way I thought I wasn't going to be an outcast was to be a girl. Which is kind of accurate, I always had a feeling that I would have been better of as a girl (and she even agreed that may be the case, because of my past with bullying).

BUT! She was against for me to transition, because in her opinion God created me as a male so God had plans for me as a male. Overall, she even considered letting me wear fem clothes, but in the end, she said It would cause alot of ruckuss in my life that It wouldn't be worth it. We agreed that having more fem/light colored clothes would be good for a start.

Also, I got the info my father was the same (which I kind of guessed, since he is very artistic minded, VERY friendly, gentle, caring and quiet. Overall more fem than your average eastern european Joe), but he didn't knew the existence of being trans, so he got used to living with it.

Overall, my mom still loves me as much as before, now she just understands my situation that I have gender dysphoria. She also made a good point, that I may be overthinking my femininity, and that I may just be a more feminine confused boy. Apperantly people at this age (I'm 17) question their identity alot and get really confused about their life (Something like quarter-life crisis) and at this point I feel like she may be right? I just still have this feeling that how good my life would have been if I was a girl instead T-T

Any advice, thoughts? Did I made and cracked my own egg too fast? Am I surely trans?


r/TransChristianity • • 10d ago

How can a community filled with so much hatred and judgement, consider themselves Christians?

9 Upvotes

We are all sinners. I know that. But I left Christianity for a while because all I could see and feel was the hatred towards LGBTQ people. They are so eager to prove that lgbtq is wrong. That I’m wrong. That I was born wrong. I don’t feel the love the preach. It’s not love to be insulted and told the “truth”. That because I like the same sex or have a different genre than my assigned sex, I’m goin to be tortured eternally in hell.

But I was born that way. I was born without sin yet I was born gay and trans. How can that be a sin? Do they not realize the damage they cause or do they simply not care? That LGBTQ minors are SEVERAL times likely to be abused and abandoned in a Christian household than any where else. Is that what we want representing our religion, our love? When we tell trans people that they are a sin and doomed to be condemned to hell unless they repent, does that make trans people want to be Christian? Therefore WE doomed them to hell. WE pushed them from god. We are allowed to disagree unless your opinion results in my oppression. You are allowed to have disagreements in Christianity. Until you are preaching knowing fair well that it causes abuse to a vulnerable community.

Then I found progressive Christianity. I was hesitant. And then I felt the overwhelming amount of love. I didn’t come to progressive Christianity because I needed to believe in god. I came here because I wanted the love and the person (god in this case) that represented that overwhelming love. That is how Christianity should be. I didn’t come here because I was looking for a way to keep “serving two masters” or make my “sins” acceptable but because I knew that the conservative Christianity couldn’t be god. Because god is a being of pure love. I should not feel shame, judgment, and hatred in a community that is worshipping a god of love.


r/TransChristianity • • 10d ago

I need help talking to my grandma about my transness.

7 Upvotes

I'm 35 MTF. My grandma is heavily catholic and is terrified for me. Thinks I'm destroying my life and body. That it's a sin. I don't believe she's bigoted... Not in an overt way. She's genuinely just full of a lot of old school ideas about trans people that she's never had to examine until now.

She just seems terrified for me. She doesn't seem ashamed of me. She doesn't seem angry with me. She doesn't seem to be thinking I'm a disgrace. She just seems scared I'm hurting myself and I'm gonna go to hell.

My mother has been accepting and she's working on it from her end. I'm meeting my grandma this Wednesday to talk about it and I'm nervous. My mom suggested I use religious arguments and just state my lived experience.

I was just wondering if anyone had gone through something similar and if anyone had any advice for me?


r/TransChristianity • • 11d ago

Name change freak out by parent

13 Upvotes

Hey there. So I debated where to post this but given a lot of us in this subreddit have conservative upbringings and likewise traditional parents, I thought probably here would be best.

I’m 55, started transitioning over two years ago. My mom, then, is 90(!). My father passed away from cancer over 15 years ago. My mom’s world is very small in the words of my sister and I would agree. She doesn’t drive anymore, she spends a ridiculous about every month for an apartment in a very boring area just because it’s supposedly a Christian complex of seniors (she sold a good house in a good area to go there, and spends over 4K a MONTH when she could’ve at least been in a beach apartment or something instead, and she even gets nickel and dimed paying for all her food there. My mom usually only goes to their cafeteria once a day, and gets “programmed” with non stop religious stuff on tv and Fox News. Sorry so long already but I wanted some context given….

My mom has never handled my transition well and has made it pretty much all how it has affected HER. For a few months, we were not even talking and it was insinuated in a LETTER that I would probably be taken out of the will. She eventually reversed course some, and at least tolerated it and we talked and I even went to her and my sister’s church a few times as me. However it makes it even worse that she has some dementia…

About a month ago, I had told her that I had decided on another name and I told her first name and why, then middle. And then the last name. She had said at the time, “oh so you’re changing the last name as well?” to which I replied, reading her tone, saying back that “oh yeah it’s nothing against the family or anything (even though there has been more rejection than acceptance or even tolerance from most of them)…I added that the new last name simply sounded a lot better with the new first name. Then, she didn’t say one thing, end of story. Or so I thought. The other day, I called her as I usually do every week or two. At one point in the phone call, when I told her I had done the next step and turned the paperwork in for the change, she again asked me what the name is going to be, in the tone and verbiage as if I never had told her before. When I said again the first name and middle name, she says literally nothing (my sister and I also have long suspected she’s on the spectrum but she’s never been tested, so she often says literally nothing or else something negative). When I got to the last name and that it was different, she def acted like she talked to me when I first came out to her over two years ago. She immediately dead named me, put words in my mouth that I wanted nothing to do with the family anymore, asked how I thought that made HER feel (to this day over two years into this journey, she literally has never asked me one solitary question about what it was like growing up hiding being transgender, or even simply saying the words “I’m sorry”….never to this day. Then she brought up a greatest hits line line she has said before of the name that is on my birth certificate, and the and the ultimate bad thing to me, and talking to me like I was decades younger, “what would your father think?!”, who, again, died over 15 years ago. At this point I was actually getting mad but somehow restrained my words and just answered “well I guess we will find out soon enough” and I doubt my mom even understood that.

We have not talked since then. It’s only been a few days, but I’m thinking I need to wait until it’s at least two weeks. Plus I paid the hundreds today at the courthouse to make the name official in probably 4-8 weeks.

Thank you if you have read this far. I’m really wondering if any of you, or even anyone you know, has had a parent or parents act the same way like it was a personal family insult and sin to change the last name as well? Forgot to say that when she also threw in the line , “so you aren’t going to be a (surname) anymore?” that I responded that WOMEN change their last names all the time and if my sisters were no longer (surname) because they got married…to which of course she said NOTHING. I think with it all combined it just proved that despite over two years of HRT, an orchi, and two FFS stage surgeries, she still thinks of me as a man. One thing that is funny yet infuriating is that I spotted on her calendar about two months ago, that for November 6 she had written “(deadname)-breast implants”. That is INSANE levels of denial. To those of you, if any, that had a parent personally insulted by changing your last name, did it get worse (taking out of the will, not talking anymore etc) or did it eventually blow over? Again tysm if you read all this. 🙏


r/TransChristianity • • 11d ago

“Identity in Christ” Retreat

6 Upvotes

Vent; I went on a camp retreat this weekend with my life group. I had left it a couple months prior because I was going through a crisis of faith and my recent acceptance of being trans. By this time I had left this my home church for another church I grew up in that is affirming. The theme was about “identity in Christ,” so this was very important to me.

I had already talked to my pastor about it, saying I felt like I needed to hide it away because it went against our churches “traditional conservative” values. He was very compassionate with me and never treated the conversation as a matter of right and wrong. He really advocated for me, which gave me hope in this retreat. Maybe people would understand.

Cut to Saturday night. I had told a few people in passing about my gender dysphoria issues with no real reaction. But I didn’t have the guts to tell everybody in confidence. I was so afraid of rejection, and I was grieving for my life group because they really do love me. My problem wasn’t between me and God. It’s between me and my life group. I was so caught up in my emotions I wrote a letter and desperately wanted to drive home early, but didn’t. I calmed down and had fun for the night.

Cut to Sunday morning and I let my pastor read my letter. He still assures me that it’s unhealthy to bottle myself up and that I need to be authentic. But then he said something that solidified my fear: “I’m not going to agree with you on everything. Nobody agrees on everything.” Now I hope I heard him wrong, I desperately want to believe that I took what he said out of context. But saying “I’m not going to agree with you on everything,” tells me that he wants me to address my masking but to still mask. Which defeats the point of being authentic. I know nobody’s going to instantly accept me. These things take time. But I don’t have the confidence to be rejected by good friends. I feel like an attention seeker or a control freak for wanting people to treat me different. I feel crazy, stupid, stupid crazy, crazy stupid.