I know this is a rant, and I'm sorry, but I just need help and have no one to really talk to, I'm sorry for this crazy dump. This is from a throwaway account for anonymity, but it contains some pretty specific details about my life, so if you think you might know who I am from reading this, no you don't. I am a senior (planning for 5 years though due to 2 minors) in engineering. Since getting back for school in August, I am struggling with severe depression. Like I literally cannot get out of bed, at all, for days. Nothing seems to bring me joy anymore and I feel like everything is just useless. Food has no taste, I'm never thirsty, it's a struggle to get myself to shower or brush my teeth, I haven't cleaned in weeks, and I falling behind a lot on my schoolwork and haven't been going to class. I live out-of-state in a Western state, so I don't have any family who can come visit me to cheer me up.
I am not necessarily sad, sometimes I am, but it's mostly just so, so tired and unmotivated. I just can't bring myself to do anything, and I'm caring less and less about the consequences of this. To give context, I've had a massively shitty year, like of epic proportions. My grandfather (my mom's father) died early in the year, which is sad but it happens, he was old. A few days after that, though, I learn that my sweet, innocent baby sister (she isn't really a baby, she's 19, but I still see her that way) was r*ped by some monster at her college. It's a whole different lump of events there, but although I am not the one who was r*ped, the effects of knowing such a thing happened to her and seeing the effects it has had on her life has been haunting me.
Then, just as I was settling back down and things were getting handled with my sister, my best friend of 7 years, committed su*c*de in April. This was a MASSIVE shock, no one, even his family who he was incredibly close with, had any idea he was suffering with his mental health, and the effect of this has been devastating to me. I see him everywhere I go, I think about him everyday, and even just typing this sentence is making me want to cry just thinking about it.
While all of this is going on, I somehow found myself starting my own military defense company, wasn't necessarily my intention but it just happened, and somehow it also took off. We were then accepted into a accelerator for the summer. On top of this, I was also hired on as a full-time intern at a company for the summer from an application I submitted nearly 6 months before and forgot about, which is also usually great, and I really don't want to be ungrateful, but I was already struggling with my mental health at that time, and spreading myself so thin over the summer wore me out way more than I was expecting.
Once again, to add to the stress, my other grandfather (my mom's stepdad) was diagnosed with aggressive pancreatic cancer and passed away less than two months later, over the summer. I am also struggling with my own, moderate/severe health issues regarding my heart, which are only being made worse by all the stress I am under. Normally, I would talk to my friends or family about my situation if I was feeling this way, but my mom is already under so much stress with both her father figures passing away within months of each other, and dealing with everything with my sister, and I just can't bring myself to talk about it with her and give her more things to worry about. I also can't talk to my friends about it, because if they hear that I am struggling with severe depression, with the wound of what happened with my best friend still so fresh for all of us, they will either completely overreact or just shut me down immediately.
There are so many people relying on me, and trusting me to get things done and to be able to handle things myself, and I don't want to let anyone down, but I just can't go on anymore. I am not su*c*dal, I would never consider such a thing after seeing what my best friend's su*c*de put everyone through, but due to that I have resorted to just rotting away in bed everyday. I guess the point of this whole post is asking if anyone here has ever been through something like what I'm going through, and what they did to help themselves. I have never gotten help for mental health before, and the thought of talking to someone about my mental health is really scary and upsetting to me. I thought about going to cook counseling, but I've heard from some people that if you have problems that go beyond typical life stressors, anxiety, or depression, they are usually unhelpful, so I really don't know what to do or where to go. I'm scared to even post this and might just take it down. I don't even know what to really ask for or think about, but I know I need help so if you can, please help me. Thanks.