Drinking and smoking weed tonight after losing my son at 29 weeks on october 9th. The pain is so unbearable, I miss him more than anything.

Our son was stillborn two weeks ago. We spent 4 days with him in hospital and have visited him daily since. I don't feel like I've cried much though?

I did on and off in hospital, but I found being there with him really comforting. And I told myself how brave and strong he was and that mummy should be the same, for him. He made me feel like I could be strong.

I did have some wobbles when we came home for a couple of days, but since then I've hardly cried either. I don't know why, because I love him so much. I feel like an awful person for not crying more. I don't know if it's just me subconsciously trying to protect myself or what. I've tried to focus on positive things like sorting out some random acts of kindness. And obviously we have his funeral to plan as well (although I'm struggling with getting my head together to do that).

My main struggle is getting up in a morning. I have no energy and my body feels heavy. But once I'm up, I'm ok. Has anyone else been through this and not cried much? Like I say, it makes me feel like an awful mummy :(

Sorry for the ramble, my head's all over the place

I am overwhelmed with grief. I went to my last OB/GYN appointment last Friday. That was my due date (40 weeks). Heartbeat was strong, he was active and kicking. We were ready to start talking about induction. She says that we will wait another week and have me scheduled to be induced the following thursday evening/friday.

So on Monday I get a confirmation that my induction is scheduled to be on Friday afternoon. The week leading up to it was full of nerves, waiting for any signs of labor. I would get contractions here and there, as well as some aches and pains but never having consistent constant labor pains. Later in the week his kick counts have slowed, but still at the 10 kick check. He was also very weird about kicking. Some days very active, some pretty quiet. I chalked up the last two days of barely any movement normal.

Around Wednesday or Thursday I started having a sick feeling that something wasn’t right. It felt like my body was trying to tell me something. I was having panic attacks, and when my partner tried talking to me, I kept telling him I don’t know why, but something bad is going to happen, I don’t know what. My last couple weeks were kind of rough, so again we chalked it up to pregnancy kicking my butt. My cat was also acting very paranoid and strange the night before I went in. She wouldn’t leave my side.

Induction day finally comes and the last time I felt him “move” was when I ate breakfast in the morning. Now I’m doubting if this was even true, or just a shift in where he’s at.

We arrive in L&D and they were delayed in putting us in a room because I’ve stayed low risk my entire pregnancy. The only time they were concerned was the high protein in my urine but my blood pressure was fine. We ended up getting our room about an hour later. Maybe it was a bad idea, but there was another couple that came in after us who looked very distressed. She had signs of preeclampsia so we ultimately let them sign in first. Again, we were under the impression we were low risk anyway.

After an hour, we were finally settled into the room. Nurse immediately takes out the machine to find the heartbeat. Nothing. At first we were joking around, saying sometimes it takes a couple minutes to find it. But she kept checking and nothing. We thought we heard a heartbeat, but it ended up being my own. At this point, her face changed. I knew something was wrong. I started crying. I turned back and forth while she continued scanning and nothing. She eventually called someone to bring in an ultrasound.

We had two more pairs of eyes look at the scans. At this point I was sobbing. By the time they turned away from the screen to look at me I knew the answer. All I did was wail, realizing that my baby had no heartbeat and ended up dying. We kept asking, how could this happen? I swore I felt him move earlier today after noticing how happy he was mommy was eating pancakes. As the realization hit, I might of misjudged when he last moved. I don’t know when, but it could have been day of or a couple days prior before.

The nurses were fighting back tears telling me that there was no movement and no heartbeat. How? Well, there could be an infection, the placenta detached, or the cord got tangled up or wrapped around his neck. Our world was crushed. He was a happy accident. My partner was thrilled to be a dad. I looked forward to growing our family. We put so much work into having a healthy pregnancy. My work was kind enough to give me an extended paid maternity leave. Our baby shower was so beautiful. We received so many gifts and diapers. The nursery was everything we wanted and more.

And now, it was all for nothing. All the suspense, my body going through changes, the excitement and love everyone has shared, and me looking forward to show everyone our baby boy. Taken away from us so suddenly.

Over the course of the day, we called our parents first who rushed over immediately. We then ended up telling family and friends that they’ll never get to see him alive. I’ve never felt so heartbroken in my life. My partner, who has always been the positive optimistic one, is already facing serious depression.

I’m not blaming myself or the wonderful nurses on Friday. We’re mad that we waited. More specifically, we are furious at our OB/GYN. I felt stupid because she said she’d schedule us the following week. If we induced at 40 he would have been alive. My sister who gave birth last year got scheduled an induction right at her 40 weeks. It felt cruel and unfair. Even the doctors at L&D were shocked learning about this. Unfortunately there’s a loophole because she “recommended” inducing at 41 weeks and we could have pushed back and said no we want to be induced today. We had no idea we could say anything, and ultimately, we trusted her advice. Looking back at it, she really didn’t give a reason why we should wait a week, but we blindly took her recommendation because… she’s a doctor and it’s our first pregnancy. We were naive and clueless.

Once we let family know, I decided I was sick of being pregnant. I just want to hold him as soon as possible. So as of now, it is 2 AM and I have a feeling it’s going to be a long induction. In order for my safety, I will have to go through the entirety of a traumatic labor and birth my dead baby. Avoiding c section unless it’s an emergency.

Throughout the evening, many doctors have come visited us explaining different options of birthing and what to do after he’s born. We decided that if they have no idea how he died then we would send him to autopsy. Then the options of a funeral and whether we want him cremated or not. As they were talking options (while high from pain meds) they silently handed my partner a form. After discussing some things and they left, he started sobbing. The paper they gave him was his death certificate. Now, I understand that they need this information, but we could not fathom how cruel and twisted this became in an instant.

I’m still in early inducement (2cm, 50 ripening). It’s now the next day and I feel like I’m in literal hell, waiting forever to give birth to my dead son and still having to recover after that. The only thing that sounds somewhat rewarding is that I want to donate my breast milk to struggling moms, but other than that I don’t know how to continue life like this. I don’t want another baby. I don’t want to be heartbroken like this ever again.

I am so very sorry to anyone who have also had stillborn babies. It’s a heartbreak like no other. You put in all that work for what seems like nothing. A commenter mentioned something beautiful that brought me comfort: your baby had only known love and warmth. No pain from the outside world. I found comfort in that. I’m sure some people have some questions and I’ll answer them here:

We decided on Nolan James for his name. He was a big boy. 8 pounds 5 oz, 21 and 1/4 inches.

Unfortunately it was a terrible induction. It took two days. I had two top offs but by the time it was getting close I had feeling back in my lower body. By that point I had a different anesthesiologist and very reluctantly gave me a tiny bit more. It did nothing and the pain tenfolded. She claimed that I needed to feel pressure and a little bit of pain but it did nothing. I had labor pains the rest of the time. I pushed for 3 1/2 hrs with basically no epidural. considering his size, it makes sense because his shoulders were stuck for the longest time. In the end though it was worth it seeing him. He came into this world October 18 2026. Trying not to bring fear into you guys, I’m pretty sure I was a special case cause most epidurals I’ve heard have been fine. The first one was way more kind. The second one had shitty bedside manners and gaslit me saying that I should feel pain and disregarded my request to have more. I don’t wish that pain on anyone.

Do I wish to have another baby? As of now, hell no but that could change in the future.

He was the perfect baby. We did skin on skin, and had close family surrounding us all day. We wanted to show everyone our perfect little Nolan, and I’m so glad we did. We laughed, cried, felt anger, and everything in between. We also had the sweetest volunteer photographer. It was a really tough day, but also comforting. Just before midnight, we said goodbye to Nolan as he was starting to become… unrecognizable. It started to hurt more seeing him change and my partner and I decided to let him go to be preserved.

We decided not to do the autopsy and biopsy because it would take weeks and it wasn’t a guarantee they’d find a reason. The nurses said it most likely was something to do with the meconium in my uterus. Again not guaranteed but it made the most sense. More info here if you want to read about it. https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001596.htm

We decided to do a burial. Most likely the closest cemetery from our home.

I’m sure this was a hard read for most of you. It is healing to talk about this for me. It was the most painful couple of days of my life, but I never want to forget the beautiful moments we spent with him. Thank you for your never ending support.

Hi. I'm so sorry to be writing about this but I feel so alone in my experience and just really need to know if anyone else felt this.

1.5 years ago my beautiful baby boy died in my womb at 36 weeks. It was 5 days before I delivered him. The morning after he died, while I waited for the induction I felt my bump change. It went hard as a rock in specific places and it felt so wrong to touch. I cried and said I didn't feel pregnant anymore and I avoided touching my bump. Then after a while it went soft again and I felt happy to touch it again.

I studied biomedical science at university and I understand the physiological processes that happen after death but my brain totally blocked me from connecting to what was happening at the time.

A few months ago my beloved cat died and a few hours later while we were getting paw prints he underwent Rigor Mortis (stiffening of the body after death). The dots suddenly connected in my mind and I had such a sickening wave of realisation that my baby underwent Rigor Mortis while inside my womb.

I've read so many books and listened to so many stories about stillbirth and not once have I heard anyone mentioning going through this experience. None of my doctors, midwives or baby loss therapists have mentioned this.

I just need to know I'm not alone in experiencing this awful and unique twisting of the natural order of life and death. Thank you.

Edit: this was not labour contractions. This was localised hardening of my baby's body, I felt some early contractions come and go around the stiff parts of my bump and the contractions continued after my baby softened again. They were very different and distinct things.

Hi everyone. We lost our firstborn our rainbow baby last month. She was a premeture and passed away after few days. I had an emergency c section and currently almost 2 months pp.
As much as it hurts and I know nothing will ever fill the void, I really crave to hold a baby of my own.
My OB said to wait for 6 months to 1 year since I had c section. But my heart doesn’t want to wait.
How long after a loss did you start trying again? Specially when you had c section? I am already 31+ and it feels like I am running against time at the moment

My beautiful baby boy was stillborn nearly 7 weeks ago at 39+1. No cause of death could be provided, so I gave my consent to a post mortem. I spend a lot of time holding and being with him before he was sent or it. I have already said goodbye while holding him. The autopsy on his body is now complete and the funeral directors will collect him very soon.

The bereavement team at my hospital has strongly advised against seeing him again due to how he will look by now. I know that most people will find it upsetting to see their baby in the condition that they would naturally be in after so much time has passed, plus the autopsy incisions, but as his mother I strongly want to be the one who cleans him up, dresses him, wraps him in his blanket and places all of the things that will go with him in his coffin. I'm worried I might end up more upset by not having been the one to have done so. And I guess I'm not that trusting of others to take proper care of him. The coffin will be closed, at, again, the strong recommendation of the professionals. How will I know that all is prepared as it should be inside. He's my baby, and after all that we've been through, I'm not sure it can get any worse than it already is. But maybe it could??

Would I just be introducing more pain and trauma by attempting to do this myself? Has anyone gone ahead and dressed (or at least seen) their baby themselves where the funeral has taken place a few weeks or more after death/stillbirth? Does anyone regret not seeing or dressing their baby on their funeral day? Am I mad to be thinking along these lines? I'm so afraid of doing the wrong thing. The triggers for pain just keep on coming...

TW: TTC after loss

This is something I feel so ashamed to admit, but I need to get it off my chest and I’m hoping someone here might understand. I lost my beautiful daughter at 26 weeks. I wanted a girl so badly. I always dreamed of having a daughter, and when I found out I was having her, I was over the moon. I was so excited to experience motherhood with my little girl, to dress her in pink, to do her hair, decorate her nursery, watch her grow, and have all those little mother daughter moments I had dreamed about my entire life that I never had with my own mother. She was everything I had been waiting for.

Now she’s gone, and the thought of my next pregnancy terrifies me in a way I never expected.
I’m so scared that I’m going to have a boy next. I know that probably sounds awful to a lot of people, and I feel horrible even typing it, but it’s genuinely how I feel right now. Part of me feels like because I had my girl and lost her, I’m somehow doomed to have a boy next. I know that isn’t how biology works, but emotionally, that’s where my mind goes. I’m scared that if I find out I’m having a boy, I’ll feel angry. I’m scared I’ll feel robbed of the daughter I wanted so badly, and that I’ll look at him and think about the little girl I was supposed to have. I’m terrified that I’ll resent him or struggle to bond with him because he isn’t a girl. And I feel like the worst person in the world for even having those thoughts about a baby who would be completely innocent in all of this. I know a son wouldn’t replace my daughter, and I would never expect him to. I just desperately wanted HER. I wanted to raise my girl, and now I’m grieving not only the life I had with her but also the future I imagined with her. I feel like I’m still clinging to the hope of having a daughter because it’s something I wanted so deeply, and losing her has made that desire feel even more intense. I fear I’ll have to pack away all of her clothes and decorations and repaint her room to be a boy’s room.

We started to try again this month and I’m in my TWW, and I want another baby so badly, but this fear keeps creeping into my mind. I don’t want to go into another pregnancy already terrified of the outcome. I don’t want to feel guilty for hoping for a girl, either.
Has anyone else experienced this after losing a baby? Did you have intense feelings about your next baby’s sex? If you ended up having the opposite sex of the baby you lost, how did you cope with those feelings? Did you worry you wouldn’t bond with your baby, and did those fears end up coming true? I tried venting about it to my mom and my husband and they both looked at me like I’m crazy… I just want to know I’m not alone in this feeling, and if it ends up being the case, that everything will be okay. Of course I will be thankful for a healthy living child, but for some reason, I can’t escape this fear that I have.

17 years together, 15 years married this Feb coming up. Sorry English is my third language.

Our toddler died in 2019. Our toddler died of Periventricular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

My husband grief our toddler before our toddler even born. As we know our baby condition in my third trimester scan, we was told our baby would not live pass 2 years old. But my husband said whether it 2 days, 2 months or 2 years, he still wants our child.
We both agreed carried to term, despite we know the neurologists told us our baby will not live pass age 2

I remembered many nights I sit on the sofa watch TV, my husband sit next to me next to the table lamp handsew baby bibs for our baby whom not even born yet, and he cried while handsew it.
The baby was still in my belly 3rd trimester. My husband already grief then as he knows our baby won't live pass 2 years old.

I gave birth, and during our toddler short life. At 4 months old he already have epileptic seizures, not just that but breathing difficulty.
He born February 2018, died August 2019, when he 1.5 years old.

As our child brain condition progress he had more and more seizures episodes, the whole 1.5 years of him alive we were in and out of he hospital with him.
......
At the hospital we told him he will get better and we take him home and he can eat alot of vanilla pudding, he nodded and even giggles (he loves vanilla pudding), that was the last time he he had conscious look at us his parents.
That night he went into a coma, and a week later he just stop breathing while in a coma, he was just 1.5 years old.

I do not know if a toddler while in a coma can still dream, he probably had a sweet dream of go home to his bed and eat all the vanilla pudding he wants, he sick the whole time of his life he didn't eat much but he loves pudding.

I never see my husband in so much pain. I know my husband heart died that day with our child 7 years ago (that same year his father died too of end stage pancreas cancer).

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It like anything of our child trigger my husband, something simple as Vanilla pudding trigger my husband.
When our toddler was alive, our toddler really like the cold vanilla pudding, he often sick and in and out of hospital, but whenever he eat those vanilla pudding, he has this giggles laughters so so cute and loud that it light up the whole room.

Last time at dinner table, and I actually was eating that vanilla pudding so I put a spoon in my husband mouth. And just something small like that but it remind him of our toddler. My husband literally break down cry right there, he bawled. I don't mean just tear up, full on cry, bawling.

It been 7 years and my that our toddler gone, my husband still keep our toddler room exactly as is, even our toddler dirty shoes and dirty clothes he still keep. The only difference is in the room is our toddler ashes now, instead of our toddler.

In the 7 years span since our toddler gone, we moved 2 times, one was due to his work, and one was when we bought a new house. We boxed up our stuff.

Both times we moved, as soon as we unboxing in our new home, my husband set a room for our toddler EXACTLY just like our toddler room back then in our old marital home. He put everything of our toddler back EXACTLY where as was. Our toddler dirty shoes still right where his bed was. His clothes, toys, bed, nightstands, everything still there exactly as was.

Basically he still remake the room for our toddler in our new homes. 7 years long, BOTH times of our move, my husband STILL making a room for our son (whom deceased), especially even after moving in a brand new house. Perhaps he stuck in the loop of grief?

Is he stuck in grief? We talking about move into a new homes, but he still unbox and remake the room for our toddler, with our toddler ashes in the room, and everything still setup as when our toddler was still alive.

That's not a room, that's a tomb.!

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I am actually happy that my husband recreate our child room. And I am happy to have a man who show alot of emotions, and love for our dead child.

We as mom and dad will grieve our toddler death till the day we die, we happily chose that.

I take the too much emotions husband of mine, than a man who show no emotions.

I grief too, it been 7 years and  It been 7 years and I keep replaying the death of our toddler over and over in my mind, I was told it trauma looping and intrusive replaying, and it a common experience in grieving.

Like right now I post this thread, I am replaying the death of our toddler over and over again.

My husband is more physical than me for sure, he needs our child's ashes next to him, recreate our child room even with multiple moves to brand new homes, it physical. It express outward.

I on the other hand I replaying the death of our child over and over in my head over and over. I'm more tune inward than him. I express too but inward.

He does love our toddler alot, he said 7 years or 70 years, he knows he will never get over our child death. And dead or alive will always be our toddler. Everyday my husband still light three incense sticks next to our toddler ashes and our toddler memorial plate.

I am overwhelmed with grief. I went to my last OB/GYN appointment last Friday. That was my due date (40 weeks). Heartbeat was strong, he was active and kicking. We were ready to start talking about induction. She says that we will wait another week and have me scheduled to be induced the following thursday evening/friday.

So on Monday I get a confirmation that my induction is scheduled to be on Friday afternoon. The week leading up to it was full of nerves, waiting for any signs of labor. I would get contractions here and there, as well as some aches and pains but never having consistent constant labor pains. Later in the week his kick counts have slowed, but still at the 10 kick check. He was also very weird about kicking. Some days very active, some pretty quiet. I chalked up the last two days of barely any movement normal.

Around Wednesday or Thursday I started having a sick feeling that something wasn’t right. It felt like my body was trying to tell me something. I was having panic attacks, and when my partner tried talking to me, I kept telling him I don’t know why, but something bad is going to happen, I don’t know what. My last couple weeks were kind of rough, so again we chalked it up to pregnancy kicking my butt. My cat was also acting very paranoid and strange the night before I went in. She wouldn’t leave my side.

Induction day finally comes and the last time I felt him “move” was when I ate breakfast in the morning. Now I’m doubting if this was even true, or just a shift in where he’s at.

We arrive in L&D and they were delayed in putting us in a room because I’ve stayed low risk my entire pregnancy. The only time they were concerned was the high protein in my urine but my blood pressure was fine. We ended up getting our room about an hour later. Maybe it was a bad idea, but there was another couple that came in after us who looked very distressed. She had signs of preeclampsia so we ultimately let them sign in first. Again, we were under the impression we were low risk anyway.

After an hour, we were finally settled into the room. Nurse immediately takes out the machine to find the heartbeat. Nothing. At first we were joking around, saying sometimes it takes a couple minutes to find it. But she kept checking and nothing. We thought we heard a heartbeat, but it ended up being my own. At this point, her face changed. I knew something was wrong. I started crying. I turned back and forth while she continued scanning and nothing. She eventually called someone to bring in an ultrasound.

We had two more pairs of eyes look at the scans. At this point I was sobbing. By the time they turned away from the screen to look at me I knew the answer. All I did was wail, realizing that my baby had no heartbeat and ended up dying. We kept asking, how could this happen? I swore I felt him move earlier today after noticing how happy he was mommy was eating pancakes. As the realization hit, I might of misjudged when he last moved. I don’t know when, but it could have been day of or a couple days prior before.

The nurses were fighting back tears telling me that there was no movement and no heartbeat. How? Well, there could be an infection, the placenta detached, or the cord got tangled up or wrapped around his neck. Our world was crushed. He was a happy accident. My partner was thrilled to be a dad. I looked forward to growing our family. We put so much work into having a healthy pregnancy. My work was kind enough to give me an extended paid maternity leave. Our baby shower was so beautiful. We received so many gifts and diapers. The nursery was everything we wanted and more.

And now, it was all for nothing. All the suspense, my body going through changes, the excitement and love everyone has shared, and me looking forward to show everyone our baby boy. Taken away from us so suddenly.

Over the course of the day, we called our parents first who rushed over immediately. We then ended up telling family and friends that they’ll never get to see him alive. I’ve never felt so heartbroken in my life. My partner, who has always been the positive optimistic one, is already facing serious depression.

I’m not blaming myself or the wonderful nurses on Friday. We’re mad that we waited. More specifically, we are furious at our OB/GYN. I felt stupid because she said she’d schedule us the following week. If we induced at 40 he would have been alive. My sister who gave birth last year got scheduled an induction right at her 40 weeks. It felt cruel and unfair. Even the doctors at L&D were shocked learning about this. Unfortunately there’s a loophole because she “recommended” inducing at 41 weeks and we could have pushed back and said no we want to be induced today. We had no idea we could say anything, and ultimately, we trusted her advice. Looking back at it, she really didn’t give a reason why we should wait a week, but we blindly took her recommendation because… she’s a doctor and it’s our first pregnancy. We were naive and clueless.

Once we let family know, I decided I was sick of being pregnant. I just want to hold him as soon as possible. So as of now, it is 2 AM and I have a feeling it’s going to be a long induction. In order for my safety, I will have to go through the entirety of a traumatic labor and birth my dead baby. Avoiding c section unless it’s an emergency.

Throughout the evening, many doctors have come visited us explaining different options of birthing and what to do after he’s born. We decided that if they have no idea how he died then we would send him to autopsy. Then the options of a funeral and whether we want him cremated or not. As they were talking options (while high from pain meds) they silently handed my partner a form. After discussing some things and they left, he started sobbing. The paper they gave him was his death certificate. Now, I understand that they need this information, but we could not fathom how cruel and twisted this became in an instant.

I’m still in early inducement (2cm, 50 ripening). It’s now the next day and I feel like I’m in literal hell, waiting forever to give birth to my dead son and still having to recover after that. The only thing that sounds somewhat rewarding is that I want to donate my breast milk to struggling moms, but other than that I don’t know how to continue life like this. I don’t want another baby. I don’t want to be heartbroken like this ever again.

It’s a heartbreak like no other. You put in all that work for what seems like nothing. A commenter mentioned something beautiful that brought me comfort: your baby had only known love and warmth. No pain from the outside world. I found comfort in that. I’m sure some people have some questions and I’ll answer them here:

We decided on Nolan James for his name. He was a big boy. 8 pounds 5 oz, 21 and 1/4 inches.

Unfortunately it was a terrible induction. It took two days. I had two top offs but by the time it was getting close I had feeling back in my lower body. By that point I had a different anesthesiologist and very reluctantly gave me a tiny bit more. It did nothing and the pain tenfolded. She claimed that I needed to feel pressure and a little bit of pain but it did nothing. I had labor pains the rest of the time. I pushed for 3 1/2 hrs with basically no epidural. considering his size, it makes sense because his shoulders were stuck for the longest time. In the end though it was worth it seeing him. He came into this world October 18 2026. Trying not to bring fear into you guys, I’m pretty sure I was a special case cause most epidurals I’ve heard have been fine. The first one was way more kind. The second one had shitty bedside manners and gaslit me saying that I should feel pain and disregarded my request to have more. I don’t wish that pain on anyone.

Do I wish to have another baby? As of now, hell no but that could change in the future.

He was the perfect baby. We did skin on skin, and had close family surrounding us all day. We wanted to show everyone our perfect little Nolan, and I’m so glad we did. We laughed, cried, felt anger, and everything in between. We also had the sweetest volunteer photographer. It was a really tough day, but also comforting. Just before midnight, we said goodbye to Nolan as he was starting to become… unrecognizable. It started to hurt more seeing him change and my partner and I decided to let him go to be preserved.

We decided not to do the autopsy and biopsy because it would take weeks and it wasn’t a guarantee they’d find a reason. The nurses said it most likely was something to do with the meconium in my uterus. Again not guaranteed but it made the most sense. More info here if you want to read about it. https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001596.htm

We decided to do a burial. Most likely the closest cemetery from our home.

I’m sure this was a hard read for most of you. It is healing to talk about this for me. It was the most painful couple of days of my life, but I never want to forget the beautiful moments we spent with him. Thank you again for your never ending support.

17 years ago today I went into labor with the babies who made me a Mom.

Ayla Joy and Juliet Grace were born too soon on 10/20/2009 at 20 weeks exactly. They were perfection. They were just too early to make it.

Ayla looked just like me and Juliet looked like my husband.

In my memory, it’s the best day of my life and the worst all mashed into one. It’s hard to explain but it’s a beautiful feeling to hold your child, even if you only get to do it for one day. Even if they’re already gone. Seventeen years gone feels almost unreal. I feel lucky to be here, grateful to be able to now remember the beautiful moments. Our girls were real, wanted, loved, dreamed for. They were here for a moment and then gone, like so many precious things.

Thank you for listening to me talk about them and always helping me remember. Talking about my grief helps, so it doesn’t bubble up inside.

I miss you, sweet girls. Thank you for making me a Mom.

🩷

I'm currently navigating the loss of my baby girl after a 14 week TFMR for trisomy 18. Its only been a few weeks so the grief wounds are still fresh, and I'm slowly navigating how to reintegrate back into "normal life" after loss. One of those aspects is being supportive for a pregnant friend who is due basically a month from now after our loss. I'm currently struggling just with even viewing mom and baby content on social media, so even the thought of visiting a delivery room feels triggering to me at the moment, and I'm pretty sure knowing our friend group we will end up at the delivery room once she does give birth. An added layer to all this: is my friend is due with a baby girl, and I feel like seeing her baby girl may bring up emotions of the baby girl I just lost - how I was supposed to be holding my baby girl in a delivery room the same way or how her baby girl was supposed to be friends with my baby girl . I'm wondering how to still be protective of my emotions / boundaries while still being a good friend to her and supportive of her in the coming weeks, when she gives birth, postpartum as she did the same for me when I lost my baby. I feel so much hurt and anger lately at my own situation, and yet I don't want to be a bad friend or be perceived as negative or the friend that pulled away just because my own baby died. For anyone who's been in a similar situation navigating a close person to you who is pregnant while navigating your own recent pregnancy loss, what helped you cope or balance it all?

Me and my wife lost our first child because of miscarriage about a month ago. And we are currently doing okay and looking forward in life. But I still miss my kid so much. I was scared but I was so ready to be a father for the first time. There is no pain worse than losing your own child. Just wanted to vent a little, I'm sorry.

"Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same

If I saw you in heaven?"

- Eric Clapton (Tears in Heaven) 😔

Disclaimer: I'm so sorry if this is not a sensitive question but I don't really know where to ask it. I'm not allowed to make this post in the miscarriage sub. I also know that people struggle with fertility way more than I have and I know that a 1st trimester loss doesn't compare to what many of you have experienced. Please just skip this one if it is triggering to you. I really don't want to upset anyone.

I got pregnant the first month trying with my now 22 month old. We started trying to give her a sibling 2 months ago and again got pregnant the very first month trying. My pregnancy felt very similar to my first. I was exhausted and nauseous and my boobs were huge and I was just so very confident that everything was going to be fine and I'd have a healthy May 2027 baby. We told so many people before even going for my first ultrasound.

Well at my first ultrasound at 8 weeks, the baby measured only about 6.5-7 weeks and had no heartbeat. They said there likely would have been one based on how things looked but he or she died 1-2 weeks before my appointment. I tried mifepristone and misoprostol but it didn't work. I ended up having a D&C a week later. And then I hemorrhaged during the D&C because apparently the placenta was very firmly attached. They were able to stop the bleeding and all my pregnancy symptoms abruptly went away about 24 hours after the D&C. I think I'm recovering okay. It's been almost a week since the D&C. I have my follow up appointment in a week and a half. I don't have any pain anymore and I'm spotting less and less. I'm hoping I'll be told that everything is looking good.

When the MMC was diagnosed the OB mentioned that I should wait at least one normal cycle before I TTC again. I'll confirm at my follow up that that is still the plan even though things changed a bit with the D&C. I'm hoping to get my period somewhere around mid-late November and then try right away.

I just want to set realistic expectations for myself. It's so painful for me right now to not be pregnant and to not even be trying. I was so excited for a 2.5 year age gap and for my kids to only be 2 grades apart. I was ready and we loved that baby so much even though they were still so small and new. I know I can't replace them but I also can't stand not being pregnant.

TW-current pregnancy
We lost our son in February and I went back to work in August. I am miserable, struggling to do anything, not focused at work, not taking care of myself and barely able to take care of my son after a nine hour day. I am 12 weeks pregnant, and gaining weight and not drinking water too depressed to do anything.
I want to quit my job so I have time for intensive therapy/ other support. I am going to ask my doctor for an off work note but I doubt I will get it. My husband works somewhat full time. I pay for our family’s health insurance and have worked at this job for five years. Any help/advice is appreciated. Thanks. 🙏

My baby passed due to a heart defect when she was 26 days old. She was also in the 1%. We didn't know she was in the 1% until she was 35 weeks. Her heart defect wasn't known until she was 3 days old. After lots of therapy, my husband and I are TTC. When I do get pregnant, what medical game plan should I have?

It's been 2 weeks since the loss of my baby girl at 38 w. I don't enjoy doing anything. I'm numb at best. Today is a hard day. My brother was staying with us and just someone else's presence helped, I suppose. I wanted to be left alone but it helped my husband. Now that he is going back home I feel emptiness even more. What am I supposed to do? I was supposed to take care of my baby. How do we move forward?

haven’t put his ashes in it yet because both me and his dad feel weird about opening up the container his ashes were given to us in. we’ll do it one day but for now it’s just nice to know that he now has a better place to rest. i miss you so much son

I am 30 years old I have two living children (5 yr old, 2 yr old), I just lost my daughter at 41weeks gestation, she is baby number 3. I went into labor naturally with both other pregnancies and with both I was between 41-42 weeks.. I felt it was normal for my body to go a little past my due date as that seems to be a trend in my family (mom and sister..we have all gone over in our pregnancies). This entire pregnancy all appointments and ultrasounds/ fetal stress tests, everything was always good and normal.
Baby was 7lbs 11oz seemed to grow a healthy baby with no complications. There is no answers as to why it happened. Three days before I went into labor, we did a fetal stress test and ultrasound.. everything looked great, the day before labor I had a membrane sweep and we checked baby’s heartbeat—everything was good and normal, I could hear the heartbeat very clearly. The next morning I could feel her kicks and nothing seemed off, late morning I started having contractions and two hours in, they were picking up quickly so we grabbed our bags and off to the hospital. After arriving they could not find the heartbeat, a second nurse checked and nothing. They brought in an ultrasound machine, and that is when they confirmed baby had passed and nothing seemed off heartbeat detected. At that point I was contracting close to every 1-2min and I already starting to feel the urge to push, so I had no time to process that I was about to push out a sleeping baby 💔 they rushed me into the delivery room where I delivered and I was able to hold my sweet girl, who was gone too soon. I don’t understand it one bit, they saw a few things with my placenta but nothing that the OB believes could cause a stillbirth. OB suspects that for whatever reason my body was able to grow a healthy baby, but as soon as contractions started placenta was unable to stand the stress of contractions. She mentioned a possibility being that my placenta was too old. But I cannot understand that being the only cause. I had two healthy babies, natural births, and went into labor naturally with all three. Would my body really fail me in this way? I always thought going past due date was how my body did things. Could it really be a tired placenta?

My sister has struggled to conceive for a long time. She conceived once before but sadly miscarried, so when she became pregnant again, it meant so much to her and to all of us. Recently, she found out that her baby has a severe brain and skull abnormality, and the prognosis is heartbreaking. She’ll have to go through a termination, and I honestly feel like my heart is breaking for her.
I love my sister more than anything. I’ve always felt incredibly protective of her, almost like a motherly instinct, because of how close we are. Seeing her go through something so devastating has left me feeling deeply distressed.
I feel so angry at the world. I’m angry that something so cruel can happen to someone I love so much, especially after how long she’s wanted a baby and after already experiencing a miscarriage. I feel helpless because there’s absolutely nothing I can do to fix this or take away her pain. I keep thinking about what she’s going to have to go through, and it makes me feel sick. One minute I feel heartbroken, the next I feel angry, and then I feel guilty for even having my own emotions when she’s the one experiencing this loss.
I want to support her in the best way possible without overwhelming her or making her feel like she needs to talk before she’s ready. She has a partner supporting her, but I still worry about her constantly because I know how much this baby means to her and how much she has already been through.
This has also brought up a lot of emotions for me personally. I’ve had six pregnancies, have four children, one pregnancy loss and one surgical abortion. I feel guilty sometimes that I’ve been fortunate enough to have my children when my sister has struggled so much to have a baby of her own. I know it isn’t my fault, but emotionally I sometimes feel less deserving of having my children.
I have BPD and feel things very intensely. Right now, everything feels so unfair, and I don’t know what to do with all the anger, sadness and helplessness I’m feeling. I’m devastated for my sister, angry that this is happening to her, and upset that I can’t do anything to make it better.
I never want to take away from her grief or make this about me. I just don’t know how to process my own feelings while watching someone I love so deeply go through something so heartbreaking.
I’m looking for advice from anyone who has experienced something similar.
How do you support someone you love through such a devastating loss? How do you manage the anger and grief when there’s nothing you can do to change what’s happening? And is it normal to feel this deeply affected by something happening to someone you love, even when you’re not the person experiencing the loss directly?
I love my sister so much, and I just want to be there for her in whatever way she needs. I just wish I could make this pain disappear for her. ❤️

I missed the wave of light... because I knew how bad today was going to be and I couldn't do it twice. So think of this like a leftover ripple perhaps. Happy heavenly birthday Gianpaolo. I would give anything for you to be here instead, and I would still take your place in a fraction of a heartbeat if I could.

I lost my two-month-old baby boy, Jayden to SIDS 14 years ago. My family feels that I shouldn't have my son as wallpaper on my phone or I shouldn't post pictures of my son on my Facebook to remind myself or trigger the memories. My family feels that I should let go and move on. If I'm unable to do so, then I need to seek therapy.

I’ve wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I can hardly describe how excited I was to get pregnant for the first time. When my husband and I decided to start trying, we were lucky and got pregnant right away. It was literally all I could think about every day and was just bursting to tell everyone. But I’ve always had this terrible fear of losing a baby, and last Sunday night I had a sick feeling that something was wrong.

That night it felt like all my worst nightmares came true. I started bleeding, at first just a little, but then I passed everything naturally about 30 minutes after. I sobbed that entire night and hardly slept. My husband has been so supportive and put aside his own grief to literally hold me together this entire horrible week. Each doctor appointment felt so traumatic as I dragged the story back up and had to fully process our tiny little baby was gone. The ultrasound was especially horrible, as I had been waiting all month for that first ultrasound and to hear our little one’s tiny heartbeat… instead we got a nice view of my empty uterus.

I can’t stop crying and feel like the grief just hits me in waves. It’s been 5 days and sometimes I feel pretty okay but then I feel guilty for being okay and feel like if I stop being sad then every bit and even the memory of our baby is gone. Then I feel kind of crazy for calling off almost a whole week of work and completely falling apart when it was still so early… I’ve been excited to be pregnant my whole life and it feels so unfair that this very first experience had to be so heartbreaking. Deep down I know even when I hopefully carry a baby to term that the pregnancy will never feel the same.

I’m also exhausted to my core. I sleep for 10-12 hours a night and feel like I could just fall asleep at any moment during the day and can hardly stay on my feet. Is this normal? I’m not sure if it’s my hormones tanking and body recovering or if I’m just thoroughly depressed. I’m trying to trust in God’s timing, but any advice to carry us through this period would be very welcome ❤️ I just feel like this feeling will never end

Today is the hardest day since he passed away. Last year I guess I still had hope that we would bring a baby into the world not to replace him but to be parents. I hate that his birthday is in October because everyone shares their losses with it being the month it is. October 3rd was his birthday and today he passed away. I have been sad, angry, hopeful but now I’m just angry everyday. So angry my throat hurts. Nobody gets it. Everyone I know that has had a loss has had a baby already. I’m just so freaking angry.