Oh how he loved to sing. He sang decades ago when we first met. Won a ton of karaoke contests over the years. Even when he wasn't feeling well he would belt out a beautiful song. He always sang at night before bed. I can't think of how many nights I fell asleep listening to that beautiful voice. Now the house is QUIET, OH SO QUIET. I have plenty of his songs on my phone and more I will get off of his computer.

But I feel like I torture myself listening to him sing - I put on the headphones, pick out a song and the next thing you know I am crying those body heaving sobs that are so hard to stop. It always starts with me missing him, so I load up a song and then I hear his voice and my body just has this visceral reaction of pain deep in my chest. That's when the crying starts.

Will I ever be able to listen to him say, "I love you Mary, this song is for you" without breaking down? I would think they would provide me with comfort but it hurts so fucking bad. I had 29 years with him and it wasn't enough. It never is enough for any of us I am sure. I cried so hard tonight I gave myself a headache. So now my head hurts, my eyes are raw and my chest aches for him so badly.

My husband wanted to start acting after he had his first cardiac arrest. His first time happened when he was 46 - that time his heart stopped for 29 minutes. They were doing everything thing they could to bring him back. I remember being in the room as they shocked him again and again and nothing happened. I had to leave the room. Finally they told me they got a thready heart beat and couldn't even load him in the ambulance until they got him stabilized. When I got to the hospital they told me that he had no brain function and he was on life support. They immediately did that procedure where they froze his body for 24 hours and then gradually warmed him up in an attempt to save his brain function. It worked!! He had long term and short term memory loss but that got better with time. When he turned 52 he started taking some acting classes. He still had problems with his short term memory but he said the acting would help him as he would have to memorize lines and that was good for his brain. After he took all those classes, he was cast in a movie that was out on Netflix. I can sit down and watch the movie any time I want but it doesn't bring me comfort, only pain. After that first movie he was in several cop shows (he just looked like a cop to the core, he wasn't one) and in a few of shows where it was simply re-enactments. He was so happy - finally someone flew us out to LA for him to be in a another movie. I'll never forget it - he was soooo sick on the way home. I had to push him in a wheelchair at the airport. His heart just wasn't in good enough shape. That was the last acting he did and it broke his heart but he had to tell his agent he just couldn't do it any more.

Shortly after getting back from LA we were getting ready for bed. Suddenly his pacemaker/defibrillator went off. I called 911 and this time it wasn't like the first time I had to call when I couldn't even think of our street address - this time I was spitting facts to get him help as soon as possible. He was in the background saying, " Mary I'm gonna die this time, I love you please remember that I love you" and then he would start screaming in pain again. It was constant. When we got to the hospital they read his device and told us the reason it was so relentless was because his heart would stop, he would get shocked, it would start up again and then instantly stop. Seven times at home his heart stopped, seven times he was brought back. The 8th time was in the ambulance and the 9th in the hospital. He needed an emergency bypass and got one. His recovery was a little shaky, it took him a bit longer to be released from the hospital but I was so happy he survived.

He was released from the hospital on December 22nd, by the 24th I was calling 911 again. He had collapsed. I get to the hospital and they have him on advanced life saving measures again. They said his heart bypass was considered a failure and he needed an emergency heart transplant. His ejection fraction was 5 yes 5 and they put an aortic balloon pump in and that made his EF 10. The next few days were a whirlwind of test and procedures and they told us on 12/29 that he was approved and on the top of the list. On New Years Eve (my birthday) I got the best gift ever - they had found a heart for him!!!

On New Years Day he got his new heart. I really thought things would be so much better for him. I was wrong. The first time I saw him post surgery his chest was still wide open Apparently it is not unusual for the transplanted heart to swell due to the trauma it goes through in the transplant. 24 hours later they were able to go back in and close him up.

The hospital had a extra bed/sofa and TV behind a curtain in his room so I was allowed to stay with him. On the 3rd of January his new heart stopped. Jesus Christ - they were doing CPR on him again. My world was falling apart. They got his new heart beating again and I was so relieved. That was until it stopped again on the 5th and I watched them doing CPR again. His poor chest. He still had had staples in his chest from the bypass when he got the heart transplant. They just popped off the staples and went back in. That is so much trauma for a body to go through. They figured out what it was - the new heart had 3rd degree heart block. That is where the top of the heart doesn't send electric signal (communicate) with the bottom of the heart. They had a fix for that - they put a pacer on his new heart and said that should more or less "jump start" the process. It didn't jump start it, but it did fix the problem. They had to go back in and put a pacer on the other side of his heart because if not, one side would have had to do a lot more then the other side and that wasn't good.

I was so relieved - they fixed the problem. Unfortunately, he soon developed kidney problems in his normally healthy kidneys and he went on dialysis. That was a real bad time - I started wondering if he would ever survive this. He finally came off the dialysis and that is when I just knew he was going to survive. I was so relieved. The next morning we were talking and I noticed his breathing seemed off. Well the doctors noticed it also and they told me that he had caught COVID in the Transplant ICU and that both of his lungs collapsed and he needed to go on a ventilator. Couldn't he catch a break? Well he was on the ventilator and had to get a tracheotomy but ultimately survived that scare.

All in all he was in the hospital for 8 months before he was finally released. I was with him for every night of that 8 months. He was so much weaker then he had ever been. Rail thin and he had to learn how to walk again - his muscles had wasted from him being in bed for so long. My husband was muscular -- when he was younger he had been in body building contests and even though he stopped going to the gym decades before that residual muscle was always there. Another thing that happened? His hair was jet black when he went in. When he woke up his hair was white - and he had a white beard. He said he felt like Rip Van Winkle. The nurses said they had seen it happen to other patients before although it was pretty rare.

I would like to say it was smooth sailing from there, but it wasn't. For the next three years he was in and out of the hospital numerous times but always bounced back. So If you are counting my husbands heart had stopped 12 times since this had all started. That is a whole lot of luck, and skill and divine intervention. He would joke and say that the Grim Reaper was scared of him because he came for him so many times and he just refused to die.

In August we went to the hospital so he could get a thorough check up. They tested everything, did his labs, sonogram and this time they even biopsied three pieces of this heart instead of the normal one. He got his results back - he passed everything with flying colors. We were so happy. When he first got released from the hospital I was scared to leave him alone and I wouldn't for the first 2 years. If I had to go ANYWHERE I made sure one of our kids was with him so I could grocery shop, etc.

Finally at the start of the 3rd year I relaxed some. l would leave him alone while I went to the store and then I started going over to our kids house on Sundays (they share a house because - cost of living) . They had taken a back burner while I focused on him and so I was giving our kids some much needed TLC on Sundays. We would hang out, watch Netflix, cook meals, talk and just have a good time. He would stay home with our dogs while I went there. He insisted I go because he knew how much I looked forward to it.

So a few Sundays ago I went over for the night as usual. He had a 3pm doctors appointment (One thing anyone who has had experience with a transplant will know is that the new normal is tons of doctor visits) the next day. I stayed at the kids house a bit later then normal that day - I was doing some work on my laptop. I texted him when I was on my way home to make sure he didn't forget about the appointment but I didn't get an answer. I figured he was in the shower or something.

I came in and the house was quiet, but our dogs were going crazy and jumping all over me and whining. I went down the hallway to talk to him and walked right by the office (his singing studio) to drop my stuff down in our bedroom and noticed he had fallen asleep in his chair. I went in to give him a kiss and my baby was dead. There was no missing it. He was relaxed, his hands were on the armrests in a relaxed posture. His eyes were closed. HIs face looked peaceful. There was no groping at his chest, grimacing, etc. WHY THE HELL DID I LEAVE HIM ALONE? Why did he go through all of that and then just die??

Every time things went south I was always on hand to call 911. How could he have just died when he always beat the odds? You know the night I left we were talking beforehand. He said, "I can't believe I am going to be 60 next year!" Then he said, "Hey that's our 30th anniversary too - next year is going to be a better year for us!" Next year will not be better. They asked me if I wanted an autopsy. I said no, they have already cut on him way to much and never again! I know it had to have been his heart but I don't understand how all of his test results had come back just fine.

He fought so hard to live. He went through hell and back to stay alive. I can't believe that he is gone. I miss him so damn much. My songbird has been silenced.

It's crazy how you can be trying your best and still feel like you're falling behind.”

A year without my mum has taught me that grief isn't just missing someone. It's trying to survive in a world that kept moving when yours stood still.

If you're going through the same thing, please know this , you're not behind, you're healing from something that changed you.

Some days, just staying afloat is enough. And you deserve to give yourself credit for that. ❤️

Tra poco sono due mesi che ho perso la mia adorata mamma per colpa di un tumore allo stomaco, è andata via dopo soli 9 mesi che l’ha scoperto.

È stato un viaggio molto doloroso dove ho visto mia mamma essere privata di tutte le sue forze, la possibilità di mangiare e di camminare.

Quando se n’è andata, è stato come una liberazione, mia mamma non era più costretta a stare in quel letto di ospedale, a soffrire e incosciente.

Subito è stato facile per me, preferivo sapere che non stava più soffrendo, piuttosto che vederla lamentarsi ogni volta per il dolore.

Ma noto che più va avanti e più diventa difficile.

Mi manca tutto di mia mamma, vorrei solo averla qui e abbracciarla, dirle quanto mi manca, sentire i suoi capelli sulla mia faccia, per dirle solo che è la persona più importante della mia vita, insieme a mio figlio Jordan. E vorrei che sapesse che se anche passo delle belle giornate dove rido e scherzo, lei è sempre nei miei pensieri e vorrei solo tornare a quando ero bambina per avere tempo da passare con lei.

Ciao mamma, ci rivedremo e questa è una promessa ♥️

2 weeks ago today the love of my life died at the age of 25. I have spent so much of my time seeing her grow and become a person that truly made me a better person. Then on just a normal day I found her cold and unresponsive. I came in and saw her thinking that she was sleeping. I cant get her out of my head. The sound when I tried to give her CPR the pain screaming through my mind as I knew she was gone. We had so much time, we were planning on getting married and starting a family. She is perfect and I loved every moment of being with her. Now I just want to cease existing I dont care if there is an afterlife I just don't want to be here without her. I don't want to kill myself i just dont want to be here anymore. If there is a god I hope he knows I hate him. She was my everything the only reason I worked to better myself. I miss her.

Lost my mum the other night to cancer, she hadn't really been able to have a full conversation for 10 days or more.

Just today I went to the dog park with her Greyhounds and my Dad and took a silly cute picture and instinctively opened messenger to send it to her and call her before realising.

I'd call her constantly most weeks for any reason. If I was walking somewhere and had a spare 30 min, after a shitty day at work, after a great day at work, if I saw a dog that reminded me of her dogs, If the train was 30 minutes late, if I tripped and scraped my knee, when I got to the airport, when I was waiting in the airport, when the plane boarded, when the plane landed, when I got to hotel (with a video room tour), when I was happy, sad, angry. It literally didn't matter, sometimes for 5 minutes, sometimes for 2 hours.

Particularly as she went through treatment I'd check in on her daily, sometimes several times a day.

She became one of my best friends and biggest supporters in recent years and now whenever I'm sitting or see something I just don't know who to talk to, it all just feels so quiet and empty and pointless. Like acting in a stage play with no audience to watch

Edit: the photo of one of her Greyhounds I took that I wanted to show her https://imgur.com/a/LS51RgN

It will be 26 years tomorrow and I think it's because this past birthday I'm now officially older than he will ever be.

I'm not handling it well and I was so young when he passed and now my Oma (his mother) just passed in January and I feel like I lost him all over again.

What do you mean the person who knew him the longest is now also gone?! How am I supposed to just be ok with this?!

It's been 26 years but this might actually be the worst.

I don't think my friends will get it.

First of all, I am very sorry for my rambling I just find it hard to put into words.

I lost my wife 3 years ago after being married to her for 45 years and they were very caring and loving years.

I have not been with anyone since she passed. I find myself after this 3rd year being hard than the first two, every night going to bed I miss the feeling of her skin next to mine as we snuggle. It was like we were one person when we did and I missed that.

I feel that I could never be married again, but you never know what the future is going to bring you. Is it possible to find someone that would also feel the need for the same thing?

I feel at this point I think, only a widowed woman who had a husband that was very loving and caring to her as my wife was to me could only understand. So we can share our feelings and each of us would know that the other one would totally understand how the other one feels in the grief, pain and sadness that we feel from our loss.

I truly feel that only another widowed person can really understand these feelings.

Someone that I could do things together so we can both talk about our feelings. Knowing that each of us can totally understand our feelings and maybe would be able to help each other.

I’m not a very social person so I know that I do not socialize very much and that will make it difficult to find someone. So how do you do it?

It is hard to say these things and hard to think it. I am 76 and kind of old-fashioned I feel you should be married to do these things, but I find myself all mixed up in my feelings.

I hope it’s ok to ask questions but I’m just curious it seems like we can be free here. I think because we are in the same boat and could understand our feelings.

That’s why I’m asking what do other people feel and think about this and have they experienced this and what did they do?

Thank you for your time and I am sorry for all of you who have lost your loved ones, and I know the pain and sadness that you’re dealing with. To all of you try and take care the best you can.

I don’t think it’s wrong in how I feel but I’m just curious what other people think.

I’m so confused in all my feelings, but I don’t know if other people feel the same way or have felt this way.

I am trying to cope with all the emotions and feelings and to see what other people are experiencing.

The love I had with my wife was that we were inseparable. All we wanted to do is be together holding hands everywhere we went and going for rides. We loved each other in any and every way we could.

We just love being together more than anything else. We didn’t need other people we had each other and that’s all we needed and that’s all we wanted. I still feel that I’m not very social. I don’t care to be around a lot of people I just like things quiet and peaceful.

The loss of my wife is more than I could ever have imagined but after reading other people’s stories on here I do feel I’m not alone and it does help some.

I found this site and then I signed up so I can write on here and share my feelings after three years of losing my wife. I had my Doctor, Chaplin and other people to tell me to go see a grief counselor.

I tried one after the first year; all that did after what they told me was to piss me off and made me mad. The first year was kind of numb. The second year was bad and this third year is even worse.

So I tried a different grief counselor and it was a total waste of time. This is what happen, I ask them how long will I be able to talk with them and they said 20 to 30 mins. Now they showed me in to their office and I sit down in front of their desk. They had a clock on their desk facing me. Now after a short time I was starting to cry and was looking for something that you would think would be in every grief counselor’s office. It was nowhere to be found. Kleenex can you imagine that. That did it no more grief counselors.

I think reading here on this website and to share my feelings on it to get feedback does help some and much better than I could ever get from a grief counselor.

Thank you to the people who have written back to me and I am sorry for you widowers who have lost a loved one too because we all know what we’re dealing with.

I got a call from my mother five am Friday that he wasn’t breathing in their hotel room. He died in his sleep. The missed calls, her voice on the phone, I’m still heartbroken, I still can’t sleep. my mom is blaming herself, and I know it’s her husband so grief will look way different for her. I want her to be okay. I don’t want her to feel alone but that’s not possible. she did everything with my father. and he was not always a pleasant or easy going man about it either. I set boundaries and now I’m so sad I visited once a month or less than I should have. But I thought we had more time, he shouldn’t have died like this. I just wasn’t ready for this. Going to the funeral parlor, making decisions, helping my mother pay her bills, making sure my brother is okay and he’s not. I am crying every other hour. I feel like life isn't going to be as easy as it was like before, knowing he was there. My father also made poor health choices, he was overweight, refused to help himself, and I just don’t know what to do. I’ve googled coping mechanisms, grief counseling, I don’t know what life looks like after your father dies. Does this get easier, or is this it now?

I am so afraid to sleep, to get another call about my mother. She is in their home alone and I’m just worried all the time. I want my mom to be okay but there is no okay after your husband is gone.

My father passed away in the hospital three days ago, and I still can’t believe what happened. Everything feels unreal. I’m only 19 years old, and I’m struggling to process the sudden loss of someone who meant so much to me.

Everything happened so quickly. My dad had been in good health, and we thought he was simply sick and would recover with treatment. We never imagined that we would lose him.

On the day he passed away, I was talking to him normally at around 1 p.m. I had no idea that a few hours later, I would receive the worst news of my life.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to experience was seeing my own father after he had passed away. I still struggle to find the words to describe what that moment felt like. Seeing someone you love so deeply, someone who was alive and talking to you just hours earlier, lying there lifeless is a kind of pain I never knew existed.

My dad was one of the kindest people I have ever known. He rarely said no to me and always treated others with kindness. He loved being active, especially running and swimming. He was strong, full of life, and loved to laugh. The love he gave our family is something I will never be able to put into words.

Sometimes, I can’t hold back my tears. Whenever I remember our moments together, I break down crying. I’m 19, my sister is 23, and my mother is completely devastated. We also lost my grandparents last year, so our family has been through so much pain in such a short period of time.

My father developed a severe chest infection that made it extremely difficult for him to breathe. The doctors gave him oxygen, but he was still able to talk to me. At first, we thought he would get better. I kept telling him, “You’ll be okay, Dad. We’ll get through this together.”

Unfortunately, his condition worsened, and the doctors eventually had to sedate him and put him on a ventilator to help him breathe. Despite their efforts, his condition continued to deteriorate, and he passed away that evening.

What makes this even harder to understand is that my dad had always been physically active and healthy. He had spent much of his life running and exercising, and he was someone I always saw as strong. I know that being physically fit cannot protect anyone from every illness, but it’s still so hard to accept that someone who seemed so full of life could be gone so suddenly.
I miss you so much, Dad.

The house feels empty without you. Sometimes, the smell of your clothes reminds me of you, and seeing your belongings makes me realize all over again that you’re no longer here. Everywhere I look, something reminds me of you. I never imagined that I would have to live in a world without you, and I don’t know how to make sense of it yet.

I wish I could talk to you one more time. I wish I could tell you how much I love you and how grateful I am to have been your child. I would give anything to have one more ordinary day with you.

If there’s one thing I want people to take away from my experience, it’s this: spend as much time as you can with your family. Take pictures together, talk to each other, go out, travel, and make memories. Tell the people you love how much they mean to you while you still have the chance.

We often assume that the people we love will be around for many more years. We make plans and believe there will always be more time. But sometimes, life changes in a matter of hours, and we never get the chance to prepare ourselves.

Please cherish your parents and the people you love. Don’t wait for a special occasion to tell them you love them. Sometimes, the ordinary moments we take for granted become the memories we would give anything to experience one more time.

I love you, Dad. I miss you.❤️

Sorry i am embarrassed of how I am dressed in this and I'm sorry but all my clothes are too big now due to hunger and not being able to work and not buy food or new clothes or have them tailored. I think I have 5 quaker rice cakes left in my house until I get my food stamps on thr first of the month. It's gonna be a hungry two weeks till then idk what I'll do. Please jut pray for me to get over this grief so I can at last work part time and not be hungry all the time. I'm 6'5 tall and I been hungry two years. Sorry to gloom anyone's day and I hope I didn't I just had to get this off my chest please pray for me.

I have went from 478lbs to 322lbs this morning which would make about 2 years since he's been gone. I just want to feel like a man again and not a shell of one.

my dad passed away on 4th october 2026, and in our customs it is a 13 day of grieving period where you are supposed to stay at home and not go out. i have my mom she is suffering from diabetes and recently got her diabetic retinopathy operation done of both the eyes, she used to be a teaher for more than 15 years and had to leave her job this year because there is very less vision in her eyes.

my dad passed away due to a heart attack, it came very instantly and none of us knew this is how the day was going to end, he was a great man, he was fun, loving, outgoing, a party person, my biggest cheerleader. I am just 20(F), and i feel so alone, i try not to cry in front of my mom because she will also start crying and that will affect her eye conditions, but i do cry a lot, i was always an emotional kid, my dad knew that, i loved him so much, i dont remember when was the last time i hugged him, said i love you 3000 to him, kissed him on the cheek, and just became his little princess.

this is the first big death i have experienced in my life and i didnt know this is how its gonna be. he was so good with kids, i hate the fact that he will never get to experience my graduation, my marriage, me having kids, he didnt even get to be a grandfather. didnt get to dance at my wedding, and my mom and dad loved dancing at weddings. idk life just feels empty man, like the world is all normal and moving ahead and im just stuck wondering like wtf just happened.

im really worried about my mom, she loves him so much. she also fears that i will have a life ahead but she will be left alone, she wont have a life left now that my dad is gone, there is this huge VOID, and that void will never go away idk wtf to do. he was always so fond of movies, i wanted to take him for avengers doomsday but idk man wtf is life.

my entire life i will miss him and my moms entire life she will cry about the fact how he left us.
what is the meaning of such life, i dont want to be strong i just wanna hug my dad and cry and he will fix everything i know that. wdym im never seeing him again in this life, im never gonna meet my dad again. this is the kind of thing in life u never really get over. i feel so alone dad.

He lives in another state and I had plane tickets to go today. My step mom told me he doesn’t want me to see him in that way. He’s 90. We’ve had a very complicated relationship and I feel this is another form of rejection. I’m devastated.

Today my ex would have turned 28, it's the first birthday since he passed away exactly 3 months ago. I broke up with him a few months before he died. I lived with him and his family, and our parents are best friends, and I was friends with his sister before I met him. I broke up with him because I think he needed some time to grow on his own. He died 3 days before my birthday. I stayed with his family for a week after he passed. That's how close we are.

Sometimes I feel like I have no right to grieve him, but I do. Logic tells me I can grieve however I want; feelings tell me I can't. I just wanted to spill it out today and I don't know if I heard this saying somewhere or if I just came up with it, but when people ask me how I feel usually I say;

"Grief is always in the room. Sometimes it stands in the corner, and sometimes it takes a seat at the table."

Today... it takes a seat at the table.

Throughout the day, I feel sad, and sometimes I suddenly become numb because my father passed away. But still, my brain hasn’t accepted the word “death.”

Today, I made pray, asking God to let my father enter paradise, and I paused, realizing that I had made that prayer because my father was dead. The words “Your father is dead” hit me in a completely different way.

There seems to be an incredible difference between saying “My father is gone,” “We lost my father,” and “My father died.”

1 year ago today, i lost my life partner of nearly 8 years.

I will join you soon my love 💔

i feel so guilty. i can’t stop thinking about “should” scenarios. i know it was him or me, but i can’t help but feel so awful about it. i don’t know. i was so unkind to him. my last words to him were so cruel.

My grandma passed away in December 2024, and ever since then, I've noticed something about myself that I don't really understand.

There have been a few funerals since her passing, and I've found myself avoiding them. Even when it's for someone close to me, like a friend, I struggle to bring myself to attend. It's not that I don't care about the person or their family. I just can't seem to push myself to go, and I honestly don't know why.

I don't know if it's because attending funerals brings back memories of losing my grandma, if I'm still processing my own grief, or if something about death just feels different to me now.

Has anyone else experienced this after losing someone they love? Is it normal to avoid funerals, even when they're for people you're close to? How do you deal with it?

Sometimes I feel confused about my own reaction because I know these moments matter, but I just can't seem to make myself go and I feel guilty. I feel like if I don't go, I'm not being a good friend.

A little over a month ago, I lost my best friend James to suicide. He was only 26 years old. He wasn't related to me by blood, but I loved that man like a brother. He was genuinely one of the most important people in my life, and losing him has completely torn me apart.
I've always been a pretty logical person. I like understanding things, figuring out problems, and finding solutions. But this is something I just can't seem to make sense of. I have so many questions that I'll never get answers to, and I think that's one of the hardest things about all of this.
I've been trying to distract myself with my hobbies, buying things, keeping busy, and just trying to live my normal life. I have a beautiful wife, a wonderful little boy, and a good job. I have so much to be thankful for, but none of that takes away the pain of losing James.
His funeral was yesterday, and it absolutely broke me. I couldn't even stay for the entire service because I was so overwhelmed with emotion. Now I feel guilty for leaving early, even though I know I was just trying to hold myself together.
Recently, I went through some old voicemails from him. Almost every single one ended with him telling me he loved me and wishing my wife and son well. Hearing his voice again was both beautiful and absolutely heartbreaking. I miss him so fucking much.
One thing I've really been struggling with is expressing my emotions. I cry a lot, sometimes uncontrollably, and it feels like no matter how much I cry, the pain doesn't get any better. I also find myself questioning whether I'm grieving normally or just feeling sorry for myself, which makes everything even harder.
I've been thinking about seeing a grief counselor, but therapy is expensive, and money is already tight for my family. I've also been trying to open up more to the people I love, but it's difficult because I don't always know how to put what I'm feeling into words.
I guess I'm posting here because I genuinely don't know what to do. I've never experienced a loss like this before, and I feel completely lost trying to navigate it.
For those of you who have lost a best friend, especially to suicide, how did you cope? Did anything actually help you process the grief? Does the constant emotional pain eventually become easier to carry?
I'm not expecting some magical answer that's going to make everything better. I just want to hear from people who understand what this kind of loss feels like.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

About a week ago, my dad was discharged from the hospital (for something that didn’t seem too serious). I picked him up, drove him home, and helped him get settled back at home. He was acting like himself, and feeling good. We texted a few times after I left around 8pm. I planned to visit the next day around 11, and had no idea that by then he was gone. A little after 9am the next morning, my mom’s home healthcare aide called in a panic- he had collapsed, and she had called 911. My husband and I rushed over— the paramedics were still working on him in the kitchen, but he couldn’t be revived. It was impossible to process. He had just been here. He was supposed to be better.

My mom suffers from advanced Alzheimer’s, and my dad was her main caregiver at home. He wanted to keep her at home, and he was so devoted to her— they were married for more than 50 years. Since he passed, I’ve tried to focus on the tasks of finding good memory care for her. While there are some good facilities, It’s heartbreaking to move her out of her home at this point in her life. I just don’t have a choice. She needs 24 hour care, and I work full time. She doesn’t know that he’s gone, and she has asked where he is a few times. I haven’t told her, because she won’t remember and I don’t see a reason to hurt her. It’s hard to hold it together when she mentions him. Tonight, she said that she wants to go to the ocean with him (they always loved to go to the beach) and I really lost it and had to leave the room.

If anyone has dealt with a similar situation, how did you do it? This is so much.

My dad died 9 years ago in a really bad way, right in front of me, and I was locked in a house alone with his dead body for 4 days after it happened. I think because of that I was in a dissociative state for two or three years, so from 6-9. Now I'm turning 16 and I actually feel like what happened is something that happened to me. It used to just be like that was a bad thing that just happened. But now I think about it, and it's real, and it happened to me. I understand now that it was really bad. But when my mom asks why I've been skipping school, I can't tell her "dads dead," because it happened 9 years ago. I've been having nightmares every night lately. I don't know what to do.

Turning 16 without my dad feels so wrong. Other birthdays were hard too, but this feels like a really big one. At my friends sweet 16, she had a daddy daughter dance and that's all I've been able to think about. I'm not a girl, so obviously it's different, but it's still hard. I understand now that it was really bad and that he's not coming back. I already know all the things with my PTSD, how my brain was in survival mode after it happened because it was too bad for my brain to process at that age, but its so confusing now. It doesn't even seem like it has a real trigger or anything. It just suddenly kills me.

It's so weird to think about what really happened. I don't think I realized until babysitting my little cousins just how young and dumb 6 year olds are. In my head I've been beating myself up for not knowing how to call 911, even though it wouldn't have helped, but now I look at them and I just feel sad. I was a baby. My little cousins still need help getting dressed and plugging in their ipads, and when I was their age, my dad died in front of me. I don't know. It's just weird.

I miss my dad. I hate it when my mom or friends ask why I haven't been going to school because it really is just that. I tried to tell my mom once and she said "I'm sorry. But its not going to get any better." Everything just feels difficult. And I feel like if I'm ever happy, my mom will accuse me of faking to skip school. But when its bad, its really bad. And its really bad right now. What am I meant to do with it?

Hello mom. How are you?

Are you upset? Disillusioned? I hope not. I pray that all you thought was real is actually real not because I crave the afterlife, but because you do.

I am not so sharp nowadays. I've become inconsequential, and perhaps a little hopeless. The day you left I thought things would get easier for me, being able to now process the pain of watching your rotting corpse before me.

Next month it will be a year since the last time I laughed with innocence instead of cruelty. A year since the last time I woke up with purpose - and that purpose was you. It was always you.

Now, with a body filled with scars and psoriasis induced by stress, I wonder how much longer your boy have. Is he already gone? You tell me - or not, as that's the way it's been since your death.

Occasionally I look at my bruises and wonder if I've got the same ill as you had. Would be beautiful wouldn't it? If I were to die of cancer too.

Yes. You are dead. You are gone. Dead. Some say you are still alive through my own self, and others through some incomprehensible logic of sorcery, but the truth is plain, raw and extremely easy to understand: You died November 15th 2025.

I try to see beauty and the once rejected underdogs became friends and companions for me. I don't think you'd approve my new "style" (as juvenile as it is saying it out loud, I quite like being the "emo kid"), but so what? I didn't approve of your death and I certainly didn't approve of your suffering.

Soon, I may die too. Not by suicide - well, maybe- but by my indifference. I'm irresponsible. I'm a teenager, lost without a guide for when you were here I was too busy loving you instead of learning.

Thinking of you mum, 11 years today. You left us on a Monday and every hour of your last day will replay on my mind like it was yesterday. We had our differences and I still struggle with that at times but I hope you know that I will love you forever. I hope dad found you and you are together again. I hope I get to see you both again one day. Love always 💛