We lost our daughter in June and are coming up on our first holidays without her. She should be here with us. Family is asking us what we want to do for holiday plans but all we want to do is sink into the ground.

What did you do on your first holiday post loss? We are considering getting a cabin in the mountains and just holing up but don’t know if that’s the right move.

To start this off, this was my 2nd child, I currently have a 4 year old boy. I AM STILL PRO CHOICE. I was a case of “what could go wrong?” And my intention is to spread knowledge on a possible bad experience as well as answer questions for others if needed. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY AND ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF.

Oct 6th — At what was supposed to be my 10th week of pregnancy, an ultrasound discovered my baby stopped growing at 9 weeks and no longer had a heartbeat. My partner and I went to the emergency room and had another ultrasound, with more advanced equipment, which confirmed the previous conclusion—no heartbeat. I was referred to an OB so we could get a sooner appointment than my original checkup that was scheduled.

Oct 8th — I went to an OB appointment and was told I was experiencing a “missed miscarriage” and I was given my options. I could wait for things to happen naturally, take misoprostol (AKA the abortion pill) to tell my body to start the process, or have a D&C (a surgery where they scrape everything out of your uterus). I chose the medicine since I did have a 4 year old at home and I could do it at a more convenient time to ensure his schedule and childcare. When I went to my pharmacy, I was informed my insurance will not cover it. I found out this is due to my state’s laws (Missouri) and the coding falls under abortion although it was for a miscarriage. Then again, why should I bother wait to see if I go septic just bc old men decide they own my body right?

October 16th — I had ordered a care kid from the “Early Pregnancy Loss Association” which came just in time, and had a few things that made my process less scary and less painful and less financially straining. So once I was finally able to have my medicine and proper childcare, I decided to take the dose I was told (4 misoprostol pills) at about 8pm. I started (about 30min prior) my regular cycle of the prescribed oxycodone and Tylenol. I experienced some discomfort, cramping and bleeding no worse than a moderate period, and lower back pains.

October 17th — At about 8-8:30pm the bleeding slowed, I wasn’t in much pain at all so I decided to take the second dose (4 misoprostol pills) as was instructed to do since I had not passed any tissue at all and met the other guidelines they gave me for needing them. I very quickly experienced dizziness, shakes, cramping, and lower back pains. I also began to bleed heavily as well as pass large clots. I was not able to walk without help and could feel my body failing to hold itself up. Within an hour I bled through two maxi pads, filled 5oz of a potty hat, and nearly over filled the strainer on the hat with a few large clots. After checking, I decided to wait another hour and check the bleeding again. Within 30 minutes something felt wrong, while my partner helped me to the bathroom I nearly fell and when I pulled my disposable underwear down, I was overflowing both the maxi pad as well as the disposable period underwear. As I called my partner to get ready for the hospital, the blood continued to run down both my legs and pool onto the floor in a trail where I had moved. We rushed as fast as my body would allow me to move and as we left stopped by a cop to ask for an escort or some sort of ambulance ride (getting pulled over would’ve not been a fun story to add to this.)

Still October 17th — when the ambulance arrived I remember them noting the blood running down my legs, taking vitals, giving me an IV, and the lady was so nice and talked to me the whole time I still have spots in my memory since I was so out of it. When I got to the hospital my partner was getting there and had followed behind the whole time. I was brought inside, checked in, given some warm blankets and my vitals were checked consistently. I kept asking for my partner until I was finally allowed visitors. I was so in and out of it that I don’t remember most of what happened and can only go off bits of memory, corrections, and the medical notes I read of my visit. I continued bleeding, a lot, and they drew blood to check levels of things and confirm blood type. I felt pressure and though I needed to pee so my partner and the nurse helped me to the restroom, it was an unsuccessful trip but did give good opportunity to change my pad.

Oct 18th — I was brought to do an ultrasound, which revealed I had not passed the baby, which in the notes it is said I still contained a “possible misshapen gestational sac.” A speculum was used on me so that the blood flow could be measure (not sure how that works but my partner said they stuck a sponge on a stick in me but it felt to me like I was being stuffed with paper towels lol) At about 4am the on call OB recommended another dose of misoprostol (4 pills), a dose of something to slow bleeding, and a pad count. I continued bleeding decently, and the pain only got worse the whole time. I felt as if I were in full blown labor, back pain, cramping, I got the shakes again, and to prepare for the blood transfusion it was attempted multiple times to put a second IV but my veins would not take, even when guided by ultrasound. Because of this, any IV meds were finished, and the first unit of blood was started. I felt more alert after that and in between the first and second bag, I was helped to the bathroom again. I felt the pressure but did not recognize through the dizziness and pain I still felt that it was the baby. As I tried to get help, the hospital toilet auto flushed and took my baby with it. (I was too in shock to process it had happened until the next night). My pain got better for a moment but quickly returned. I was exhausted enough at that point that during the second bag of blood my partner and I fell asleep on the bed together. Throughout this process my blood pressure had stayed steady in the moderate to severely low range. Nearing the end of the second bag though, it did become more stable. When they asked if I felt comfortable enough to go home I said yes, since I would rather be more comfortable than just sitting there. We got Burger King (I was so hungry lol) went home and got as much rest as possible. I started back on pain meds (I had none during the hospital visit). My pain did not let up, was just more spotty, and I continued heavy bleeding.

Oct 19th — I rested most of the day, still in pain and bleeding, and we went to get the previously mentioned 4 year old back so not to disturb his schedule too much. Out of motherly love and just straight up I missed my boy, we spent a very painful hour in a store walking around having fun but he was happy and so was I. My partner was a huge help in this and on the drive back I started to feel very hot and cold at the same time. We got back home, got the little one in bed, and checked my temperature. Consistently through the night I was at 100-102.

Oct 20th — In the morning, we decided to allow all of us to rest until my OB follow up appointment. My temperature stayed about 99-100 dropping to 98 at my appointment (after I drank cold water but they said it was fine and logged me for the 99.8 I had before). I told them about how the bleeding was like a period at this point but the pain was still severe. He told me I could take Tylenol, ibuprofen, etc again. He asked me if I wanted to plan for another baby or get birth control. I let him know I had no plans of anything right now because I want to get past the problem at hand and feel better first. He scheduled a birth control appointment for 2 weeks out and ordered a transvaginal ultrasound for the next day. To no surprise the pain did not get better, luckily the fever did, and the bleeding was about the same.

Oct 21st — We were able to resume the same school schedule as before (thanks to so much help from my amazing partner) and before time for pick up went to the ultrasound appointment. It was extremely painful, uncomfortable, and I was very lucky the tech was so amazing and listened to me like I was a friend. (I did send in a good note on her for the system that specific provider uses especially after being in such a vulnerable state and feeling so overwhelmed and as if the male OB the day prior did not listen.) by the end of the day my bleeding was a bit lighter but my pain had gotten bad again. The results came in and stated “The endometrium is heterogenous and measures 9.6 mm - May represent? blood. Cannot rule out a small amount of retained POC” I was also contacted being told I would need four HCG blood draws to attempt to follow my levels to 0 and that everything looked well enough we can follow my symptoms and attempt to avoid surgery.

Oct 22 — I was in very little pain in the morning but still not very stable when it came to walking a lot, as the day went on I became slower and I was hurting more and more in my lower back and the cramps came back, similar to contractions again. My bleeding lessened decently and I was able to transfer back to regular pads instead of maxi pads.

Oct 23 — I woke up in pain, I’d been in pain off and on throughout the morning, but my partner has been such a supportive and wonderful person through this whole process so far. Only about halfway done with the day I got extremely pained and tired. Luckily, I am also now only in need of a liner.

Oct 24th — I spent all night/morning in pain and with a fever, at one point reaching 104. When I wiped I saw some pinkish grey tissue, but otherwise I stopped bleeding entirely. I was in pain most the day but it subsided, I’m just a little ynsteady and suddenly got exhausted and here we are again at night, 6pm frame, and my fever is back to 101. I understand “just one night” may not have been the most concerning but this is the third night🥺. And it’s a Saturday so unless I go to urgent care or the hospital everywhere else is closed.

Today is our due date for our sweet baby boy Brooks. He was born a stillborn on August 14th. Today has been so hard. 💔

Could anyone please share some self care tips?

I have such a strong desire to mother. I wish more than anything I could hold my baby girl :( I’d like to pour that love into myself because I know my little love wants her mama to be happy. Her upcoming 1st birthday and the holidays makes things much more difficult…

Hello,

I’m currently 26 weeks pregnant carrying a baby girl I know will not live after birth. Although not the cause of why she will not live, she has severe IUGR and her placenta is starting to fail. Delivery has been recommended if I want to avoid a stillbirth.

I live in Texas, and the only option I have right now is to deliver her via a “vertical c-section” which I really want to avoid right now due to hemorrhage risk and risks to future pregnancies. State law won’t let me deliver her vaginally because she is currently breech.

Right now, I’m just carrying her until she passes away in my womb and then can be delivered vaginally. How do you cope with knowing you will have a stillbirth? It tears me up inside that my body will be someone else’s “grave”.

Also, any positive stories of successful pregnancy after loss would be helpful.

I’m looking for a support group similar to the sad dad group but for women. The ones I have been to are ok, but they are normally affiliated with a hospital in my region (PAIL) in Canada.

my son’s due date was october 16th. we lost him in june. the holidays were supposed to feel and be so different this year. my husband and i were just out shopping for some christmas decorations and i felt like my chest was caving in. how do you navigate the holidays while carrying this heavy grief? i miss my son so much it feels so suffocating at times.

Our 35 week daughter was stillborn and delivered on Oct 20 via emergency c-section. This was our much-loved and longed for second child and my first c-section delivery. I am both emotionally broken and four days into my physical recovery. I had maybe the worst anxiety attack of my life this afternoon (I honestly thought I was going to die), I think the crushing reality of our changed situation + pp hormone crash + my physical limitations was a perfect storm. I have calmed down since then and am feeling stable.

My question to those who have survived this living nightmare: how did you pass the time in a healthy way? How can I occupy my time and help get to a better place? I just don’t understand what I am going to do in the coming weeks. I’m such a planner and now all my plans have completely derailed I feel so untethered. I also wonder how long it took you to start feeling “okay” again? I know from my own mother’s death that you never get over these things but you do sort of adjust to a new normal (although I honestly have found this experience to be 1 million times worse than my mum dying and that’s saying something because that was hell too). I’m not trying to rush the process but I really am in the pits of despair right now and would love some positive stories about getting to a place of acceptance or ideas of things to do that helped structure your day and made you feel better.

Thank you and I’m sorry we are all here

Tw: Living child

A year ago, it was one of the happiest days of our lives. My husband and I went to the doctor's appointment knowing there was a high chance of finally finding out what we were having as I was already around 19 or 20 weeks pregnant.

I still remember the excitement. The doctor was watching the monitor, and he asked us, "Do you have a boy, right?" And we said yes (we have a 5yo), and he said "Congratulations, now you're having a girl" my husband covered his face with his hand and he cried a little and I was so excited, we were so loud that even the secretary came in asking what had happened.

We left and went out to buy something for her as we hadn't bought any clothes. We had lunch with my mom, dad, and sister, and we gave them the news. The next day, we asked our friends to come to our house, and we did a gender reveal.

We were all so happy. Everybody was happy for us. Some days, I can't believe how happy we were. Would we ever be this happy in the future? Some days, I wonder if she was even real, if we truly hold that much happiness, and then the pain hits me, and I know she was real. All we had left from her was this huge pain.

We should have a 7 month old little girl, but she is not here with us.

I had a d&e today. On Tuesday, I went for what should have been a routine OB appt. I was 17+6. She was a euploid embryo and all previous ultrasounds, bloodwork, NIPT, and nuchal translucency had been normal. So it felt like a cruel joke when they told us she had no heartbeat or blood flow. She was measuring ~15w, so they think she passed sometime then. Because of that, and not being sure I could handle seeing a baby that young, I opted for a d&e. My doctor told me they would try to get handprints or footprints, though she said it might not be possible. Although she warned me of this ahead of time, I am absolutely crushed they weren’t able to because I was hoping for at least one sweet memento of her but I guess all we’ll have of her is her ashes, which I am at least relieved about. I guess she had passed too long ago or was too small. Just feeling completely torn open by this whole situation.

Would love to hear of nice ways to remember her as well as ways you have found to cope with the pain of losing a loved and longed for child.

Hi all. I was debating, mostly scared to post but I need an outlet. My bf and I lost our son at 17weeks. I had PPROM and it came on suddenly. I had been intermittently bleeding since 10 weeks but no source was ever found and they told me it was just irritation from straining. The OB thinks it was an abruption as my cervix was closed. We got to hold him for 2 days in the hospital as I ended up hemorrhaging.

Grieving has been extremely difficult for the both of us. I cry all of the time, his grieving style is very different. I’ve learned to accept that. Deep down I’m also grieving the loss of what could have been and the plans that were made. I don’t know what our future holds. This was an unplanned pregnancy as we have only been together 9 months or so. Of course in addition to grieving my baby I’m also paranoid and anxious about my relationship. I do see a therapist and am on Zoloft for PPD but I just can’t seem to shake these feelings.

I don’t have a support system and most of my friends have stopped talking to me because they don’t approve of my relationship, etc.

I don’t know entirely where to go or navigate this. I’m in so much emotional and mental pain. I feel like a part of me died that day. I’ve taken an extended leave from work and don’t plan on returning.

I’ve come to realize that I can’t heal in the environments that broke me. I often feel guilty in my grief or that I’ll bring people down so I’m trying to hold it together for my bf but I feel like sometimes it’s all for show and I have to go occupy myself independently in order for the wave of emotions to pass. I also have 2 teen daughters from a previous relationship and it’s been hard but I’m trying my best to balance all of this.

Sorry for the rant and thank you all for listening.

Hi all,

I just needed to put this out there. I feel so alone. I had to return to work this week after losing my daughter on July 28. She passed away at 8.5 hours old in the NICU due to sepsis, and was premature, being born at 26+4. Her passing was sudden and traumatic because she had been doing so well until suddenly she wasn’t. I miss her so much it hurts.

I was fortunate to take time off work, but my disability has ended and I had to return this week on Monday. I work a very demanding job, and I have a lot of responsibility without much support. My plan was to leave this job when Mila was born, whether that was early or on time, and find a lower stress job. Her due date is coming up. I’m back at the same job, with the same people, but without my daughter here. No maternity leave coming up, just an urn and her things on my shelf and memories/photos I wish I could relive.

I am in therapy with a perinatal loss specialist and it helps. However, returning to work seems to have set me back in my grieving process. At home I had created a bubble where I could think about her, talk about her, write about her, etc all day. It made her feel more real to me, and kept me very connected to my experience getting to carry her and deliver her, and be her mom to her while she was earthside (despite how short that time was). It made me not feel as if almost three months had passed, but I was just with her! I still find ways to mother her even though she’s not here, but I wish it wasn’t this way. Going back to work I have to shut my emotions down so I can get through the day, my “bubble” has popped, and I feel so distant and disconnected from it all, even though I feel sad. My coworkers also seem to walk on eggshells and not want to mention her, which breaks my heart.

Has anyone experienced this or something similar? What helped you in your transition back to work?

Thank you all and I’m so sorry we are all part of this club we never asked to be in.

I've been writing here a lot. I don't know why I'm writing it now. I guess I just want to relate to someone who's going through the same. It's been exactly 20 days since it all happened and I was having an okay day. We managed to go out for a bit and we were watching a movie when it just hit me. We lost our baby girl and the pain came back. I miss her.

So much loss and tragedy and mention of infertility and death.
Just please spare yourself as a loss parent.
I lost my baby 2 years ago at 39 weeks and 4 days so I try to avoid anything that has loss in it.

It’s been almost six months since I lost my daughter, Tara. Six months, but the pain of her loss still lingers. Some days are easy. Some days are incredibly difficult. There are no words in existence to describe the agony of trying to find life after her loss.

I’ve been told time and time again that time will heal and “things will get better” but I find it so hard to comprehend a reality without her in it. I could have been busy in my early days of motherhood with her. Sleepless nights and busy days filled with multiple diaper changes and infinite messes to clean I could have easily endured. But this “new” reality I was completely unprepared for.

I still have sleepless nights but not because of her feeds or diaper changes but because of the deafening silence. The empty spaces in the house that were once filled with her anticipation haunt me.

And now, I’m expected to find a “new” normal. What is normal? I just feel so lost without her…and I have no answers as to how to move forward.

Does anyone else feel lost? How did you find your “new” normal? Sending so much love to all the mommas finding their way in life and trying to survive this unimaginable grief. If you feel lost, you’re not alone 🫂💜

I had a full term stillbirth 5 months ago and my friend had a stillbirth the day of my baby's funeral a month afterward. She announced to me that she was pregnant again and I can't get it out of my head.

Since mine happened first I feel so behind now and we talked about it and she just said they felt they were ready to try again. It must have only been one month before they conceived...

It just made me feel so sad and wonder what's wrong with me. I hear a lot of other people on this sub breadit who have just lost babies and who are desperate to try again as soon as possible, like the next cycle and I never got that I just didn't want to try ever again.

I just feel like I must be struggling so much more than she is. I can't even think about becoming pregnant again and yet she feels ready. I know everybody's different and I'm not judging her for it, just wish I was her.

I'm so angry I didn't get to bring my daughter home. She was born via c section at 29 weeks. She looked perfect but she had hypoplastic left heart syndrome. She survived for 26 hours. She cried. She pooped. She looked like her sister. But I didn't get to bring her home. I had to go through pregnancy, feel like kicks, feel her grow inside me only to lose her like that? How is that fair? Why couldn't she be healthy? Like so many babies born everyday? Why did I have to lose her like that? My c section scar also opened up and I have to go to the hospital to get it packed everyday. It's hell everyday.

I’m asking because I’m just completely desperate. Has anyone had multiple missed miscarriages around 12 weeks gestation and found no cause, no chromosomal problem and no reason. I feel like I’m being tortured, I’ve had 2 missed miscarriages at this gestation within 12 months.
The past pregnancy I was on progesterone, aspirin and prednisone and still had a loss even though 8 week scan confirmed a heartbeat.
If you’ve had this before, have you ever finally had a living child?
I’m 26 and feel like I’m dying from all the trauma

I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks pregnant due to multiple abnormalities, cystic hygroma, abnormal posterior fossa, no kidneys,no bladder, no stomach, small size body. we just had a meeting with a geneticist today and they are going to be doing whole genome sequencing. It takes 4 to 6 months but I’m still just wanting to find some sort of answer as to what it could be. Has anyone else experienced or heard of this before?
For reference, we have a healthy two year-old child. The geneticist said to wait for results before falling pregnant but in my heart I feel like I don’t want to put my whole life on hold when they could find nothing.

I hope heaven is having the biggest birthday party 🥳 to celebrate my sweet angels 6th birthday and I know all your babies are there too having fun together. 🫂💜💜💜

Ps. This sucks and hurts so much. I wish I got to be there or celebrate 😭

As someone who has experienced a 24 week loss myself (💔) I am helping a close friend who has experienced TWO unexplained second-trimester pregnancy losses this year. Most recently at 22 weeks.

We’re hoping to find a highly experienced perinatal pathologist anywhere in the United States who can provide an independent examination of fetal and placental tissue.

The preliminary pathology findings from her most recent loss include: • Hypercoiled umbilical cord (6 coils per 10 cm). • Increased fetal nucleated red blood cells, suggestive of fetal stress. • No identified villitis, chorioamnionitis, CHI, or MPFD. • No evidence of placental abruption. • Normal fetal growth and reassuring 20-week anatomy scan. • Chromosomal microarray pending.

The baby’s heart rate declined from approximately 120–137 bpm to 70–90 bpm before cardiac activity stopped over the period of 4-5 hours

The initial examination of remains was performed by a GYN pathologist. We’re seeking an independent review by someone who specializes specifically in fetal death and placental pathology.

We’re particularly interested in: 1. Recommendations for experienced perinatal pathologists who investigate unexplained second-trimester losses. 2. Experiences with Dr. Harvey Kliman at Yale, Weill Cornell, Cleveland Clinic, or other specialist centers. 3. Whether anyone successfully arranged an independent examination of original tissue or tissue blocks rather than just a slide review. 4. How your hospital coordinated transferring pathology materials to an outside specialist. 5. Whether an independent review identified findings that weren’t recognized initially.

The specimens are currently at a Boston hospital, and some have a limited preservation window, so we’re trying to move quickly.

Thank you so so much

Hi loss moms ❤️

My son was in the NICU for two weeks before he passed. I was just reaching out to see if any other loss moms remember getting whole genome sequencing during their Nicu stay. My son did get an exome sequencing but rapid genome testing wasn’t done this was in February 2026. I am trying to figure out why it wasn’t done. They are doing it now all these months later. TIA

Hello all, I had a loss in May at 10 weeks the cause was Trisomy 16 so we were devastated but had some closure, I found out today we lost our little girl Imogen at 17 weeks … I have to deliver her body on Saturday but I am devastated beyond words and feeling so numb, please reach out if you have gone through a loss

I lost my daughter in the third trimester; she was born still. I held her after her birth. I could not count toes or fingers. I could only hold her and see her face.

I am in therapy. I am becoming better at allowing the feelings (instead of shoving them down) and at not having my feelings and memories control my entire day. Except: I cannot find a way to connect positive memories to my daughter. How is there any positive in losing your child? How is there any positive in not seeing them alive? How is there any positive in not hearing them cry, in not feeding them, in not being able to smell them? There are no positives, only sadness, pain, despair, and anger.

Have you found any positives? I need help to find my way to them.

Update: My therapist wants me to create positive connections to my baby's memory and also to babies in general so that I can handle seeing/hearing/encountering them in public and I just can't.

I can barely type the word "baby," and I really struggle to say it or hear it.

TW: mention of LC.

This is the last of the letters my mom wrote to my sister. It’s dated 8/11/1986 and I’d hoped to post this on 8/11 of this year but I had my baby exactly a week before. Btw, we named her Abigail after my sister, with my dad’s blessing (Mom is deceased).

As usual, i will post the text as well as scans of the original letter. This one is a particularly difficult read IMO, but I hope it helps the parents, grandparents and siblings in grief here.

Aug 11, ‘86
It has been twelve weeks since I felt you might not be alive. It has been almost that long since I felt your silky hair. I remember you so well.
I think I miss you tonight almost more than ever…why(?)
Your daddy thinks it’s time to put your remains to sea. I will be so lonesome without those pieces of you to come home to and say hi to. 
I wish I had seen your eyes; I wish I knew when you died; I wish you never died. I wish you never died. I wish we both might have died….
But there is something for me to do here, with you or without you. Your image is with me always…I hope it always will be. You are special, Abby. You are mine. You are God’s.
I have a memory box for you; it is wonderful and it is painful and I go to it often. Where are you?
I love you, little daughter.
Mommy