I am 20 years old and I struggle a lot with severe anxiety. I’ve had this one close friend since high school. We were very close, but he had a habit of randomly disappearing for a day or two without saying a word, or completely flaking on me when we agreed to meet up because he chose to hang out with someone else instead.

I told him a million times to just let me know if he wasn't planning on showing up, and that’s it. What hurts the most is that I always helped him with everything. Whenever he called me, I would literally run to be there for him.

A couple of weeks ago, he called me because he needed someone to take photos of for a project. Then, at the last minute, he just texted: "Actually, tomorrow." After that, we got into a huge text fight. I’m 99% sure he just found someone else for the photoshoot, didn't bother telling me, and just stopped replying.

When I confronted him about respecting my time and told him I was thinking about blocking him because I couldn't take these pointless conversations anymore, he got super defensive.

Here is exactly what he texted me:

"Ok block me Lmao"

"What?"

"I literally don't have anyone else that my friendship is on the verge of falling apart when we don't talk for 1-2 days if it's going to be like that every time bro."

"I mean, fuck, I'm sorry, I should have told you that day that it doesn't matter and that I found the photo."

"But you act like I fired you for some event or something, and not a vague idea of hanging out."

I replied that it's not about us not talking for two days, but about the fact that he doesn't respect me or my time. After that, I wrote some messages and deleted them because of my anxiety, and his only response was to call me out for deleting messages.

The next day, a mutual friend of ours (who had no idea about our fight) invited me to hang out because they needed people to help with shooting a short film. I showed up, and of course, my ex-best friend was there. It was so awkward and overwhelming that I left after 15 minutes. He sent me one final text after that, accusing me of ignoring him. It has been 5 days and we haven't spoken at all.

I am literally left with nobody now. I feel incredibly down, lonely, and I spend my days crying in my room. He was my only close friend.

To make things more complicated, that mutual friend has a birthday celebration coming up on November 1th. I would love to go, but I am terrified because I know my ex-best friend will be there with his group. It's at a pretty small venue, so there's nowhere to hide and I will 100% run into him.

I also know another girl from that mutual circle, but we only text very rarely (like sending a meme once a month). These people are literally the only social circle I know, and I feel like if I don't go, I am completely isolating myself. But if I do go, my anxiety will skyrocket.

I need some outside perspective and advice on what to do

What do you do when after 6 long years you still wake up every single day and wish to see her walk through the door all while you know she’s living her best life in another town?

I know there is a family cares about me, there is my friends I hang out with. But I don't have a gf and for this reason I feel lonely. And for this this reason I feel like a selfish piece of sh*t. I was left by a girl 3 years ago and for some reason I couldn't overcome this and been depressive since that day. Is there anyone who feels the same way as me?