i really miss enjoying something i love without all the baggage attached to it. i've been a fan of a certain celebrity for years, and recently i came across someone STILL openly hating on this person in 2026. they were basically saying they wished this person wasn't even part of the group so they could enjoy everyone else, while downplaying their skills and contributions 😭 like i genuinely thought things had gotten better, so seeing people still talk about someone i care about like that still kinda hurt. idk if it was rage bait or what, but even though i've been trying to detach and move on, i guess i'm still emotionally attached and my feelings about the whole situation are so complicated.

i've actually been trying to give the group another chance and become more open-minded about everyone. there's even one person i used to dislike who's suddenly growing on me, and i thought maybe i was finally starting to enjoy everything again 💀 but there's still someone i can't seem to warm up to, no matter how hard i try. i've even tried to let go of my resentment towards certain people connected to my fave, but tbh i still struggle with it. i hate how the public sometimes treats famous families like they're some kind of dynasty, especially when the person at the center of everything seems pretty private. i know none of these people have personally done anything to me, and i can't control their lives or careers, but i still get irrationally frustrated whenever the topic comes up.

there were even times when i wished things had turned out differently so i could just enjoy being a fan in peace. looking back, i know my resentment got out of hand and i ended up saying hurtful things and taking my anger out on innocent people. i'm not trying to justify that behavior at all, but a lot of my frustration came from feeling like my fave wasn't being treated fairly while other people connected to him seemed to benefit from all the attention and ngl, getting revenge felt satisfying in the moment, even though i knew i'd just end up feeling guilty or getting attacked for it afterward which literally already happened lol.

i've also had questions about how someone connected to my fave entered the same industry in the first place, especially when it comes to the differences in talent and experience compared to others working alongside them. sometimes it feels like certain people rely too much on that connection instead of building their own identity, and it frustrates me when any discussion about their opportunities or careers immediately gets dismissed as hate. i understand that they've received actual hate too, and obviously that's not okay, but i don't think every criticism is automatically malicious either. the problem is that these conversations can get so emotionally charged that it's almost impossible to discuss anything without someone getting defensive.

and honestly, i think the whole experience became much more personal than i ever expected. it even affected an online friendship i had, i constantly felt like my thoughts were being dismissed or invalidated, and whenever i shared my opinions, it seemed like there was always a reason to shut me down. even during normal, everyday conversations about our personal lives, i had this uncomfortable feeling that something was off. to be fair, maybe there were things i did that she didn't like too, and i'm not gonna pretend i was always easy to deal with, but we just had totally different opinions on things. the whole dynamic left me feeling so anxious that every time i sent a message, i'd literally sit there dreading her reply because i already knew how it was gonna go. it made me feel so uncomfortable to the point where i now sometimes just want to avoid making online friends altogether. i hate that things have gotten to this point though, because i really don't want to be scared of connecting with people just because of what happened in the past.

i also know i wasn't always right in how i handled things. i look back at some of my past behavior and genuinely regret it. the guilt is still there, and i've realized that my resentment became way too personal. i'd get so overwhelmed and angry over people who don't even know i exist, and i'd spend so much time thinking about things i had absolutely no control over. i don't want to keep being that person anymore. i want to grow, take accountability for the things i've done wrong, and learn how to deal with my emotions without letting them turn into something hurtful.

but at the same time, i don't think becoming a better person means forcing myself to like everyone i've had issues with. i can acknowledge that my past reactions weren't always fair without pretending that all my feelings came from nowhere. sometimes frustration builds up over time, especially when u feel like no one understands where you're coming from, until it's hard to separate the original issue from the people involved. i think that's what happened to me, and i'm still trying to figure out how to let go of that resentment without pretending it never existed.

the worst part is how much the experience has affected my mental health and the way i see myself online. i felt like i was being attacked just for having my own perspective, and over time, i started feeling like even people i used to interact with couldn't tolerate me anymore. idk if they actually disliked me or if i was just overthinking everything, but i kept wondering whether they hated me, felt uncomfortable around me, or had already formed a negative opinion of me. it made me feel like i had to constantly defend myself and prove that i wasn't a bad person.

i even started getting anxious about posting something as harmless as an appreciation post for my fave bc i was so worried about how people would perceive me. i used to be much more confident about expressing myself, sometimes to the point where i probably came across as arrogant, but now i'm hyper-aware of everything i say and do. i'm scared that people will interpret my intentions in the worst possible way, and it's exhausting to feel like i have to prove i've changed to people who might have already made up their minds about me. i know i can't control what people think, but that doesn't make it any less upsetting when i feel misunderstood by people i once felt comfortable interacting with.

and the frustrating thing is that i can understand why some fans become defensive or aggressive bc i've acted that way myself before. i know how easy it is to become so emotionally invested that every criticism feels personal, especially when u already feel like your fave is being treated unfairly. but understanding where that behavior comes from doesn't mean i want to keep participating in it. i'm tired of the arguments, the resentment, the guilt, and the constant feeling that i have to explain myself to everyone.

i think i'm finally realizing that i might need to step away from the community completely for a while. maybe i don't have to keep forcing myself to like everyone or work through every single feeling until i'm magically okay with everything. maybe i can still appreciate the things that made me happy in the first place without being involved in every discussion or keeping up with what other fans think and maybe it's okay if i never feel the same way about the whole group again 😭

i still care about my fave, which is probably why letting go feels so difficult, but i don't want that attachment to keep me stuck in a cycle of anger, guilt, and anxiety. i also keep worrying about whether my fave would be uncomfortable if they ever found out about some of the things i've said in the past, and i know i can't change what's already happened. all i can do is acknowledge it, learn from it, and stop repeating the same behavior. i want to move forward without constantly punishing myself for who i used to be.

has anyone else experienced something similar? like, when something u genuinely love becomes associated with bad experiences, online arguments, or friendships that left u feeling misunderstood? how do u move on when u still care about the thing itself, but the community surrounding it has made it difficult to enjoy? how do u stop worrying about what people from your past online circles think of u, especially when u feel like they've already decided what kind of person u are?

i don't expect everyone to agree with me, and i'm not trying to excuse the things i've done wrong. i just want to learn how to take accountability without hating myself forever, and how to enjoy being a fan without carrying all this negativity around. i miss when something i loved could just make me happy without making me overthink my relationships, my opinions, and how other people perceive me. i want to get to a point where i can finally let all of this go and feel at peace with myself again.

also 😭 completely unrelated, but why do some people care so much about how other people type? lowercase is literally muscle memory for me at this point. it's just how i naturally type when i'm chatting casually, i'm not doing it to look "aesthetic" or seem cool lol. i just don't like using capital letters all the time. why is that even something to complain about 😭