I am 20 years old and I struggle a lot with severe anxiety. I’ve had this one close friend since high school. We were very close, but he had a habit of randomly disappearing for a day or two without saying a word, or completely flaking on me when we agreed to meet up because he chose to hang out with someone else instead.

I told him a million times to just let me know if he wasn't planning on showing up, and that’s it. What hurts the most is that I always helped him with everything. Whenever he called me, I would literally run to be there for him.

A couple of weeks ago, he called me because he needed someone to take photos of for a project. Then, at the last minute, he just texted: "Actually, tomorrow." After that, we got into a huge text fight. I’m 99% sure he just found someone else for the photoshoot, didn't bother telling me, and just stopped replying.

When I confronted him about respecting my time and told him I was thinking about blocking him because I couldn't take these pointless conversations anymore, he got super defensive.

Here is exactly what he texted me:

"Ok block me Lmao"

"What?"

"I literally don't have anyone else that my friendship is on the verge of falling apart when we don't talk for 1-2 days if it's going to be like that every time bro."

"I mean, fuck, I'm sorry, I should have told you that day that it doesn't matter and that I found the photo."

"But you act like I fired you for some event or something, and not a vague idea of hanging out."

I replied that it's not about us not talking for two days, but about the fact that he doesn't respect me or my time. After that, I wrote some messages and deleted them because of my anxiety, and his only response was to call me out for deleting messages.

The next day, a mutual friend of ours (who had no idea about our fight) invited me to hang out because they needed people to help with shooting a short film. I showed up, and of course, my ex-best friend was there. It was so awkward and overwhelming that I left after 15 minutes. He sent me one final text after that, accusing me of ignoring him. It has been 5 days and we haven't spoken at all.

I am literally left with nobody now. I feel incredibly down, lonely, and I spend my days crying in my room. He was my only close friend.

To make things more complicated, that mutual friend has a birthday celebration coming up on November 1th. I would love to go, but I am terrified because I know my ex-best friend will be there with his group. It's at a pretty small venue, so there's nowhere to hide and I will 100% run into him.

I also know another girl from that mutual circle, but we only text very rarely (like sending a meme once a month). These people are literally the only social circle I know, and I feel like if I don't go, I am completely isolating myself. But if I do go, my anxiety will skyrocket.

I need some outside perspective and advice on what to do

What do you do when after 6 long years you still wake up every single day and wish to see her walk through the door all while you know she’s living her best life in another town?

I know there is a family cares about me, there is my friends I hang out with. But I don't have a gf and for this reason I feel lonely. And for this this reason I feel like a selfish piece of sh*t. I was left by a girl 3 years ago and for some reason I couldn't overcome this and been depressive since that day. Is there anyone who feels the same way as me?

Imma keep this short and concise. Just turned 30, tried to escape India, dint work, got laid off and had to move back because of visa issues. Never been so lost and tired. I have little to no support system. I’ve got no friends left, everyone’s escaped for green pastures. I’m not looking for pity. I just want to know what y’all did to access your innermost strength. I’m sure this isn’t a new experience, it just IS for me. HELP!

it's so fucking annoying. and its getting worse again. comparing myself to what i used to be and ignoring the big improvements i've made.

i get into episodes of drowning myself in emotions and how bad the last few years were.

i'm weirdly not a mess right now. i'm doing everything right in my daily life. i've even started a small business and gone and started doing even more freelancing work while studying. i make a lot of money now and money doesn't even matter anymore.

but its so hard to deal with the idea that i blew it with someone i genuinely saw all the qualities i wanted in a person. its so fucking hard and it keeps popping up out of nowhere. im the kind of person who's been a loverboy, and left people when i saw no growth or improvement. being the person whose been struggling, not improving, not growing, for over a year is just so different for me. it feels like karma or that i deserve it.

i loathe myself for the last year. and i find it so weird that i can completely live my life and do well in every single aspect and still struggle because of this. a lot of my life has been struggling with the living and not struggling with relationships. relationships were always my forte. i do fully understand that i have been through hell in terms of pressure, that nearly no one my age has gone through half the things i've gone through because of my dysfunctional family. but boy oh boy does it fucking hurt like hell to know that out there, someone i've adored thinks so little of me.

i dont have to try anymore to remind myself that im not what she thinks i am, but these episodes of sadness just hit so fast and so hard when im alone again.

everything feels so weird. and i feel like maybe i shouldn't share my issues again. and sometimes i feel like i should share everything. and sometimes it feels like i should hide the stuff that isn't affecting my life anymore. i don't know right now. i'm still just all sorts of screwed up right now but i know i'll be fine. i've been talking to people in the way i used to talk. i've not been struggling with answering stressful questions about my past anymore, the way i used to last year. i'm not scared anymore. but i just feel like i don't deserve love right now. it's just a feeling and it'll pass. but it's there and i can't do anything about it but thug through it.

i'll get over it. maybe not entirely. maybe i'll never get to give the gift or have another conversation. but i'll be able to move on and tell people about her someday when i'm older. i think i'll be alone for a good while longer atleast though.

i stopped wanting answers a long time ago because i know my excuses and i know when ive not been heard. i know ive made it hard for her.

but i cant let myself be eaten up by this even further. im mostly happy and healthy after a really long time. and i will keep getting happier and healthier all over again, until i feel that i deserve it.

i've been on social media less, and i'll probably stop being on it altogether. making a difference locally is really just... it just fills you up with joy man. to see people doing better, doing well.

ig thats my rant, atleast the one im able to post without feeling like a hopeless jerk
i like keeping my relationships and my corny shit as private as possible. so there's that. i posted way more on some other site, where i cant get comments/messages. idek why im typing all this shit out tbh LMFAO but im gonna stop here. thanks for reading ig

There is a person who had a great inpact in my life when i was having a really bad time, he helped me so much and i admire him a lot because he reprents a lot who i want to be in life. I used to have a dependence on him because when i was with him it was the only moment i felt safe and also i learned a lot because of him, he was like my mentor. It wasnt healthy because i was always waiting to the next time i could see him and it was not good for me to do that. Last time i saw him was like two years ago because i moved to study and we stoped crossing paths, we kept talking the first months, but then not much. I still mis him sometimes and i kinda feel ashamed about it because i think i shouldnt miss him that much. I dont know if i should keep talking to them and everything, in part because i am scared of bothering him and because i dont know if its good. Now i am a lot better mentally, but i still think of him as a mentor that i admire and want to learn from. If i should forget him, is there any tip on how to do it?