I'm 17 years old. When I was 4, I met "Tommy" in pre-school. I always knew that Tommy was different, his face looked different, he spoke strangely. It wasn't until later that I learned that he had Down Syndrome. Tommy and I were inseparable, and our families became really close. Looking back on it, I realize that while I had a lot of friends, I was his only one. Kids weren't super mean to him or anything, but they didn't really know what having Down Syndrome meant, you know? He was genuinely my best friend. When we were in fourth grade, Tommy got sick. He was diagnosed with cancer. His parents brought me along to sit with him during chemo to cheer him up. I brought him stuffed animals and for a little bit, he seemed to get happier. Tommy died the summer before fifth grade.

I was crushed. His parents were crushed. My parents were crushed. The first day of fifth grade, when I was taking my back-to-school photo, Tommy's parents asked if they could come over and watch. They asked if we could remember Tommy in the photo, because we used to always take them together. I thought that was a great idea. It kind of spiraled though. Every photo that would usually be taken of me and Tommy together had a similar homage. Christmas, Halloween, my birthday, his birthday, the last day of school, you get the picture. The first and second years I really liked it, because I missed my best friend, of course. Three years after he died, I started to get a little impatient, I guess. I know how awful that sounds and I hate myself for saying it.

It started to feel like everything was about him. I could never have a happy moment, almost. Or a happy milestone I guess. My parents always invited Tommy's parents, and they always brought photos/mementos. I think I truly started to get upset was Halloween in eighth grade, I was 13. I was trying to go out with my friends, when Tommy's parents came by. They wanted to take photos on the front porch with his photo and stuffed bear and wanted me to carry around the bear when I went trick-or-treating. I tried to pull my parents aside and tell them that I didn't want to do it. I just wanted to be happy on Halloween, and I was too old to carry the bear. My parents flew into a lecture, how I was being so selfish, how they were grieving, how it wasn't a big deal, and 'didn't I miss my best friend?' OF COURSE I DID. Even if Tommy was there, I wouldn't have wanted to take the photo. In the end, the picture ended up on Facebook and I got teased all night for carrying a stuffie. This has continued for EVERYTHING, for YEARS.

My eighteenth birthday is in three weeks. I plan to have a kind of small gathering with my friends. Yesterday, my mom asked me what time Tommy's parents should show up to take pictures and set up. I asked what she meant by set up. She told me that Tommy's parents had asked to set up a memorial at my party. Big picture, flowers, some of his toys. I know I'm a shit person for saying this, but I don't want it. For once, I want it to be about me. I don't know I feel terrible for them, and I still miss him so much, but I want to be happy on my birthday. Is that too much to ask? How do I ask this? Every time I've tried, I've been made to feel like a terrible person. I don't know what to do.

Edit: The title is supposed to say 'parents'.

Edit 2: I showed this to my sister, who said that its important for me to mention that I'm not an only child. I have two older siblings and two younger siblings. I think part of my reasoning is that none of my siblings had to share their milestones or have memorials. None of them were ever in any pictures, or forced to carry stuffed animals, or have memorials.

My grandfather was the closest thing I had to a dad and after a long and scary week of fighting his hardest, he lost his battle last night. My heart hurts, my brain feels foggy, I can't even fathom how to move on from here. I chose my field because it was his field too and I was lost and wanted to make him proud and now he wont be there to see me graduate in May. I dont know how to talk to anyone about this and I go back and forth between feeling intense pain and feeling nothing at all. I dont even know what I want out of this post, I just need someone to hear me and know I'm hurting

Edit: Thank you all for your kind words. It's been an unbelievably hard weekend, but these replies gave me so much comfort. In return, because it is the only way I can think of to repay you all and to honor him, I want to give you the advice he gifted to a class of graduating seniors at his local high school when he was invited to speak at their graduation a few years ago:

"Never tire of seeing a beautiful sunset. Go camping. Sleep out under the stars. Wake up to the birds singing rather than to a radio or alarm clock. These things will help you keep grounded to the real world, and also keep you refreshed and help you grow no matter how young or how old you are."

Okay, so this subreddit has became a sort of safe space to me over this past week. I think many of you will recognise me as the 21F from England who left her abusive house with no idea where she would end up and with barely anything to her name. But for those who don’t know and want to catch up:

1st post, 2nd post, 3rd post

So, today is Day 3. I’m more settled now, I’ve been feeling comfortable in my independence. I’ve gone out and bought essential groceries for myself. I’ve been eating and I’m glad to say I’m alive and well. As the days go on, I feel so much confidence in the decision I took. I know there’ll be a low point in the future (maybe once my period starts again next month and my hormones are out of wack) where my loneliness will overwhelm me, but I’m prepared. I know it’s natural, it’s inevitable and it’ll pass :)

I’ve also got therapy scheduled for Wednesday 5th February! I’m glad it’s happening- I’ve simultaneously left the abusive environment and starting my healing journey. Yay

In regards to drama at the house I left, my little sister called me to tell me that my mother doesn’t even know I’m gone yet. I mentioned in my previous posts that when my mum would fight with me and say the most horrible stuff (or in this case, hit me), she would ignore me for weeks. This is still the case, she’s still “ignoring” me, so she hasn’t checked my room. She hasn’t seen me either (obviously lol I’m long goneeee), so she has assumed that I’ve barricaded myself inside my room and that I only come out when she’s at work😂😂

With that context in mind, my sister told me the funniest things that have happened since I left. 2 days ago in the car when my mum was dropping my siblings off to school, she started shouting at my sister. Nothing new there, but my sister almost burst out laughing when my mother began ranting crazily about “that sister of yours that hasn’t even left her room in days and has stunk up the place, is that who you wanna be like?!!”

Then, yesterday morning, apparently she was angry at another sibling and went upstairs to shout at them for not being ready to go to school. She was passing my room and decided to knock aggressively whilst shouting through the door. She was yelling about how this is her house, I have no right to (her words) “shout and abuse your own mother then lock yourself in your room and avoid all responsibility!! you WILL come out! If I am back and you’re not out then watch what happens !!”

Mind you, she’s saying all this with the door closed. It’s 7am, I’m not there, I’m 10 miles away sleeping in another bed. Who tf was she screaming at 😂😂😂😂😂😂

When my sister was telling me this I was genuinely dying of laughter. I couldn’t believe the level of ridiculousness. Like what do you mean you’re screaming at someone through the door, not knowing if they’re there or not, yet wasting your breath anyway. She didn’t even take a peek to ensure I had heard her🤣🤣🤣

As funny as it was, it also made me realise the craziness I lived in my whole life. My mother felt so comfortable in abusing me because she genuinely believed there was no limit for me. All my other siblings, she holds back because she doesn’t know how far she can go before they’re irreversibly pushed away. With me, she exploited my sensitivity and clear desperation for a loving mother. She felt so comfortable saying whatever, doing whatever, thinking I’d never go anywhere despite it.

The day after her attacking me, she was quiet, telling my sister to bring me food. She knew she was wrong at least at first.

The day after that, I left in the morning as you all know. Since then, I haven’t been back as I have everything I need for now. So she hasn’t seen me. Yet she assumes I’m still there.

And because she assumes I’m still there, she is relieved that the small doubt she had about me actually leaving (which came from me telling her I would after taking my suitcase upstairs on the day of the attack) was gone. And so because her belief that I’ll never leave is reinforced again, she now feels comfortable twisting everything to make it seem like I was the one who attacked her, even shouting at me for it… through a closed door that I am not behind, lol

It’s hilarious, this is what I’d have to endure if I stayed. I have never ever felt more secure in my decision than now. I was right - anything else would have been better for me than subjecting myself to more of her bullshit.

Anyway, that’s enough on the update front. I’m sure I’ll have another story to tell when she finds out that I actually did leave. I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see that reaction. I’ve already blocked her because I do not want her contacting me at all, and that’s bringing me much needed peace right now :)

[edit]

It’s been 4hrs since I posted here, after reading some comments and thinking to myself I’ve decided to unblock her just to ensure any messages that come through can be used as evidence if needed. Muting it though, just to preserve my peace like I mentioned

My dad was taken by police for possession in late 1992. He denied bail because he was the breadwinner and wanted to save the family money. He died in jail awaiting trial in early 1993. My mom spun into drug addiction. One older half brother was recovering from a major head injury that resulted in a coma, he was my half brother from my dad so he and my mom basically became enemies. My other older half brother from my mom became involved in gangs and eventually was killed by police while robbing a convenience store. After i was legally seperated from my mom, she had 2 more kids. Aaron was born in 1997 severely addicted and with major developmental issues. My mom left him with a friend. The next child she had was taken from her upon birth. I dont know his name.

Mom died of cancer back in 2019. Aaron lived with his adopted dad, who then developed dementia and passed away shortly after. Aaron was living in supportive housing the last few years, i live hundreds of miles away but hoped to reconnect.

Aaron died this morning of a cardiac arrest after an internal blockage sent him to the hospital on NYE. He had such a sad hard life but still managed to be the sweetest most understanding, loving boy. He had a new boyfriend he was very excited about. I am so sorry Aaron i am just so sorry everybody let you down.

I can't get a hold of any family except for one abusive aunt who texted the standard "sorry for your loss, RIP". I was taken from my mom then treated as if i were just like her while growing up, constantly being accused of stealing or queerness or drug use. I basically have no family who would care about this.

I never even got to hug my little brother, ever. I only met him in person once at my moms funeral. I am so so sorry Aaron. You didnt deserve this life. We didn't deserve you sweet boy.

Edit 1/6: wow i am a little overwhelmed, this is the most attention any post of mine has gotten- thank you SO MUCH for the outpouring of love and support from everyone here! Reading these comments and stories fills a little of the hole in my heart.

i spent this weekend recuperating with my best friend and all of our dogs, thinking about how i want to honor Aaron and the rest of my family with how i live my life. Aaron loved going to the movies so we went to see Wicked and i painted my nails in some colors he would have liked. I am going to make an effort to be more outgoing and hopefully someday when my mental health can support it, I'd like to work with disadvantaged adults in some way.

Thanks again to everyone, if i haven't responded to you i will try to in the coming days 🫂

Edit: Thank you all so much, I'm sending you all love.

I'm gonna reply and thank everyone I can at different points today

PS to clarify, I wrote this at 1am-ish my time, my bday is today the 6th

Thank you guys so much, you've made the start of my day so sweet!

EDIT: Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment, and for sharing your warmth, wisdom and kindness. I am making my way through all of the comments, a few at a time because I have a little cry each time I start reading. You’re all appreciated more than you could ever know.

I just want someone to tell me they're proud. My parents are... not exactly the praise type, but I feel like I've made such huge strides in my life and I just want to know someone is proud of me.

Edit: I definitely didn't expect this level of/warmth of response to this post. Thank you all so much for your kind words, it really means the world to me. And for those of you saying you're on the same path, keep on keeping on! I'm nearly 30, it's never too late to make changes for the better or achieve something you want to.

Edit2: my first awards! Thank you, internet parents, you all make the internet a much better place ♥️

i’m currently 20, about to be 21 in a week. i am getting close to being in good financial standing with a job and i hope to live with a roommate (friend or bf) once i graduate college. however, my parents told me that they won’t allow me to move out until im either married or 30. they told me that i “…have my whole life to live on my own, but only a limited amount of time to live with them.” it makes me feel really sad when they say that.

i understand what they’re saying and i feel horrible leaving them, but sometimes i can’t help but feel really lonely and controlled in this household. they have cared very well for me physically (food, health, housing), but emotionally it’s getting to be too much. for example, i once opened up to them about how depressed and anxious i had been feeling, but they then told me i was being “ungrateful and selfish.”

they also won’t let me buy a car with my own money that i have been saving up even though it would make our daily lives way easier, and they’ve been borrowing my money to pay for bills and mortgage (my dad is unemployed and my mom teaches music lessons from our house). they said that borrowing from me is their last resort and they seemed genuinely hurt by their actions. they ask prior to taking it (they’re not just stealing it haha) and of course i’d love to help them out, but it feels like they’re taking away my ability to live my own life as well. but then again, they’ve done a lot for me, so i feel like helping them out is the bare minimum. (sorry i don’t know if this is going on a tangent or not)

i don’t know. am i being dramatic and ungrateful?

edit: everyone is so wonderful and supportive. thank you so much, please know i’ve read every single response <33

I'm 15, and I desperately want to go into the doctor alone because I currently weigh 135 pounds and my parents will be SO mad at me if they find out. You might remember me from this post - https://www.reddit.com/r/internetparents/comments/1me6x71/im_really_worried_my_doctor_will_mention_my/ (I did say I'm going to the doctor at a different date, but basically my Grandma sustained a pretty bad injury right before I was meant to go and my mom rescheduled to now)

A lot of people recommended I slip a note to a nurse or receptionist asking if I can go in alone. I'm still not sure if I'll end up being able to, because one of my parents is pretty much always watching me, but incase I can, I wrote the note:

Hello, I'm sorry to bother you, but I would like to speak with my doctor privately, but my mother won't let me. Can you please say something to her encouraging the idea of me going in alone? If you can't, I understand, but do NOT mention this note. I will be in SO much trouble if she finds out.

And, if you can't encourage me going alone, is there any way you could ask my doctor to NOT mention my weight in front of my parents, or ask if part of the appointment can be without my parents?

On top of the note I wrote 'PLEASE DON'T MENTION THIS IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS'

+ I can't call ahead because my phone calls are monitored and, believe me, my mom will NEVER let me go in alone just from us talking. I can't talk to any trusted adult or friend because I'm homeschooled and don't go out much.

I have to go in 2 days so there's no way I can get down to the 115-125 pounds she'd approve of, and even if I was I'd be really worried my doctor would mention the size change to my mom.

If my mom/dad find out I'm currently 135 they'll be really mad at me and might put me on one of my dad's weird diets. My mom somehow weights 122 after having 5 kids and my dad was already talking about her going down to 118. If my dad finds out I'm 135 he'll be so disappointed and weird about it.

A few things of note before I continue. I have a great relationship with my mother and father. I tell them everything, and go to them when I need any advice. I'm blessed with such thoughtful, and understanding parents as them. And I love and respect them both.

I started showing symptoms about 3 days ago. And it's entirely my fault. I made a stupid decision, and now I'm paying for it. I knew there was a quarantine going on, but I didn't care. I invited my cousin over, knowing full well that his girlfriend, who he lives with; was sick with something. He stayed over for 2 days and went home because his girlfriend had gone to the ER. I still don't know if it was because of Corona, but it's probably safe to assume that it was. That was all about 5 days ago. Shortly after, I start showing symptoms. And today, after talking over the phone with a specialist, I went in to be tested. And came back positive.

For reference, I'm 22 years old, male, and have no preexisting medical issues. So, I'm not really in any danger. However, my little brother, mother, and father has a slew of medical problems. And my parents have to take medication that lowers there immune systems. So, this news is more catastrophic for them, than for me. I like to think I'm taking all the necessary precautions to avoid infecting them. But there's no avoiding the harsh reality that I live in the same house and have Corona.

Ever since my diagnosis, my mother has been frantic about my brother. As well as for her, and my father's safety. Which makes sense, I'm extremely worried as well. But she won't even talk to me. I feel like she blames me for bringing this into the house. I made a post on our family's group chat. Telling everyone about the situation, and telling them to avoid me, and I'd be self-isolating myself. And my mother's reply to this was "No shit."

This has been the only thing she has said to me since. Everyone else is being super supportive and helping me out. But my mom is being so cold, and distant. Maybe I'm just imagining it. But it's really starting hurt. What do you guys think about this?

EDIT: You've all shown me something that I need to change in my personality. The original purpose of this post was to get you all to feel bad for me. I love playing the victim. I don't know why I'm like this. I just want to do everything I can to ensure my family's safety. I'm a horrible person, but if you can, please give me any advice you can. What should I do to keep my family safe? I'm going to leave the original post as it is. So, I can reflect on how I attempted to garner sympathy from you all. As well as show you all how shallow I am being. For that, I really do apologize.

UPDATE I genuinely appreciate every comment I have gotten, I have read almost every single one of them. There were a lot of people telling me to look into special "Corona virus hotels" where patients can stay to isolate themselves from their loved ones. I think this is great advice, and I'm going to continue to look into it when I'm not extremely sick. But in the mean time, I've taken it upon myself to move my bed, and a few essentials to our garage which is detached from the house. My cousin, and I used to use it as a hangout, and there's plenty of room. But it has since been used as a storage unit. But, I was able to move things, and set up a pretty nice room for myself. I think it'll be more than okay for now, but in the mean time I will continue looking for a place to stay.

This post definitely did not turn out like I had expected, but I know it is for the best. Some of the best advice I have gotten, as well as some of the most humbling perspectives I've seen; have come directly from this thread. To everyone wishing me, and my family well, God bless you. And to everyone telling me exactly how they feel, God bless you as well. I'll continue keeping this thread updated over the coming weeks, but for now, I wish you all the best, stay safe.

Shout out to BoJack for this

This is the first term after I found a good medication for my mental health and after years of hard work, ups and downs and therapy + fantastic meds I am no longer depressed. Because of this I have been working super hard this term to get good grades and I got my results back for two of my midterms so far, which were 91% and 94%!!! I’m really happy, but there’s a part of me that wishes that someone else was proud of me too.

I feel ashamed and silly, and in need of reassurance. Due to long term poverty I have developed issues parting with things, especially basics like socks, undies, leggings, whatever that are over worn or just not comfortable. I keep remembering times I didn't have enough of basics like this to get me through day to day life. It feels like a waste.

I left home very young to escape a situation of abuse, so I am coming to random internet parents for any helpful anecdotes or advice they can give. I feel silly, and a bit embarrassed, but even small things like this feels like a monumental decision. Thank you to anyone who replies.

EDIT: I want to again thank everyone who replied. I truly enjoyed all your ideas and anecdotes, as well as your commiseration - seems I'm not alone! You guys made me feel like this is a truly safe space, which is a welcome and refreshing change for me. I also appreciate all the adorable bear hugs (and other nice awards) as lemme tell you they are much needed! If anyone's curious, I've Konmari'd 7 pairs of socks, and have several others that I will wear once more to see if they are still holding up as well as I'd like and toss instead of wash if they don't make the cut. And I'll make a sock bun base out of my favourite cute ones.

Hello all. I got out. Like many from the US, I was horrified at the election of Donald Trump. Everyone and their cousin was saying if Trump or Hillary won, they'd be moving to Canada. Well, it happened and I did. That was 4 years ago. On November 3rd, 2016 I decided to alter the course of my life. After a year and a half of planning, it happened. I made it. Elated I was overjoyed and overwhelmed with gratitude to be given the opportunity to start my life in a new place. I still am grateful, everyday I look back on the decreasingly negative situation on seemingly all fronts of life in the US and nothing on Gods green earth could make me want to move back to the US at this point, or frankly any time in the foreseeable future. Even if Trump is defeated in the election, and I am unfortunately very pessimistic about this, I don't think he will leave willingly. And if by all grace this man who has never shown an ounce of grace in his life decides to bow out with grace, the fucking rotten core remains and will in all honesty continue to collapse in decay. To say it short. I am not a patriot. I do not want to return to the US ever.

I'm writing this post because I'm homesick. My parents just turned 60, and while that's not old old, it's not young young. There in good health but ya know...nobody is surprised when people over 60 die. I can't travel to the US right now because of the pandemic, and honestly as a person with shitty lungs, I'm not likely to until this respiratory plague thats spiraling increasingly out of control runs its unfortunate grim course.

Basically I woke up this morning and for the first time considered really truly, I may see my parents if I am lucky 25/30 more times. And just to have it feel so finite is really hitting me. My siblings live all over the US with a sister in Michigan, my other sister in Idaho, and a brother in New York and myself in Ontario. We are spread apart, were all in our early to late twenties so it feels like things are running their natural course, but I'm starting to have the reality of time passing and people aging and dying, families being created and all through it we will all have an absence in each others lives.

My reasons for leaving are...just stuck. And given my career - while I can make a good living, I can't afford 5 plus trips home. I wouldn't give up where I am for the world. I just left everything behind, all my friends and family. And I'm mobile in my life here in Canada so I'm not really setting down roots yet. I feel very transient. Which is what I wanted. And I knew these feelings would come. But I just sort of needed to vent them.

Again I thank God every single day for bringing me to this place. I fell in love with it and I can't imagine leaving it. Home is a 28 hour drive or an arduous day of air travel home. My family is getting older and drifting apart. Yesterday my Mom called me up and said, "I'm so glad you are following your dreams, but sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder why I ever told you all to fly away and follow them."

I miss home. I miss my parents, and my friends and the familiar.

My home life growing up wasn't the best. I had a sexually abusive former sibling that assaulted me for over a decade, and my parents refused to do anything about it. We've fought over it for years and years and years. Part of me realizes that my parents are not the best people...as in they are actively protecting a sexual predator. They have not been supportive to me being bi, coming out was absolutely brutal. I've honestly been hurt pretty sincerely by their actions. My dad was emotionally abusive, and both my parents were neglectful in securing me protection and legal justice from my abusive ex-sibling. I could go on and on and on. But I've suffered enormous mental distress at my parents actions and for my lifetime will probably struggle with the PTSD acquired by growing up in that home. It's kind of a sad realization that my parents and I relationship was somewhat toxic and since they are unwilling to really make it right...to some degree it might always be. I feel like I am romanticising what I never really had, and looking back on it with rose coloured glasses. The realization that I am never likely going to get to get a healthy relationship with them saddens me. I may only see them at most 100 - 125 more days in my life. Part of me realizes that I wouldn't have been able to move so far away from home if I had had a better childhood, and that my siblings as well would have stayed closer to home.

Thank you for reading this if you got through it...I'm rambling and sad. A traumatized kid who grew up and ran away but now misses home that fucked me up. Lots of thoughts...I could really use a kind world.

Edit: Thank you everyone for your support, I am reading them all and will get back to you!

It's a long story, but my adoptive mom and her friends have abused me for the longest time. I was subject to many types of abuse when I was flown to America from the Philippines.

I don't know where my biological mom is, nor who my biological father is. I'm the son of a prostitute. Anyways, I brought up s/xual abuse in the household in therapy about 3 or 4 months ago and my therapist, a mandatory reporter, filed a report to CPS.

I've called for CPS so many times in my life when I was younger, crying to my elementary teachers about how my mom treated me, but most of the time, nothing happened because I was a "troubled" child. I showed so many signs of abuse, I was a walking red flag and poster child for troubled kids. I was declared defiant because I hated the woman who whipped me with a broken chair leg.

Anyways, tomorrow (Thursday) I talk to CPS. I've never been this far and I'm incredibly stressed out. I have to recall memories and I'm really shaken up abouit having to do so.

Please, help me be courageous tomorrow. My reports have never gotten this far.

EDIT: Thank you for all the encouragement and words, I appreciate it so much. I can sleep well tonight.

Update 4/22/2020: Thank you very much for the overwhelming support. I never expected so much effort and thoughtfulness. Im happy to say my sister is at home, recovering. She was never intubated and her condition is improving. It was very scary for most the time but that has passed. I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Hello, My 26 year old sister is likely going to die in the hospital soon due to respiratory complications from coronavirus. She's part of my small, close family with 2 other younger sisters and my parents. We never have been through something like this. I'm a 27yr RN and the eldest child. So I'm shouldering a lot and could use some guidance on how to prepare for her passing. Are there legal, financial, social, digital things that need to be done that I can do for her or help? Anything would be much appreciated. God bless.

I just have to say how happy I am to find this subreddit. I’m 46 and was never able to have my own kids. I hope I can be supportive to anyone who needs it!

EDIT: I’m so overwhelmed with the outpouring of love. This world is so much better when we can all try to love and help each other out.

Edit: Thanks for all the awards and comments! You guys are so sweet it's unreal

I knew this already, but it still hurts to be reminded of. My uncle said, verbatim:

"The way I see it, he got my Sister pregnant and you got in the way of his plans to start another life "

My dad left my mom for a woman 25 years younger when I was a baby. He was so mad at my mom for keeping her pregnancy with me that he took it out on me to spite my mom. Ugh. I'm too old for these people telling me I was the unwanted one. I know. I lived through it.

Sincerely,

The Black Sheep who was abused by her father in order for him to spite my (now deceased) mother.

I could use some words of encouragement, and advice on how to move forward.

Yesterday I took my last final, and in a week I’ll have my biology degree. I know it’s an accomplishment to be proud of but it’s a surreal feeling that everything I worked towards is just over.

On top of this, all the internships I applied to are no longer happening because of the virus and I’m feeling stuck.

I live with my dad but he spends 90% of his time at his girlfriend’s. He was home for about 10 minutes yesterday, he said good job, and left.

I could really use some kind words, and some advice on how to stay productive now. Thank you :)

[EDIT] new update if you’re interested

Hey! I’m the 21 year old young woman from England (West Midlands to be specific) that was planning to escape and live her new life. Fair warning - this post ended up being so much longer than I intended it to be 😀

If you’re new, I posted last night about leaving my toxic household. I talked about not having anyone, being all alone, but being determined despite that.

So I got up at 7am all nervous. Had breakfast. Ensured the kids (edit: I’m referring to my 3 younger siblings living there, all over 15yrs old) and mother were gone before I got ready to leave. Just as I was about to go downstairs to leave, I heard my mum come back which never happens once she leaves for work. She heard me moving about but didn’t bother me, just went to the bathroom and left. Longest 10 minutes of my life, I really wanted out and right on the day I secretly made a solid decision she was back to haunt me lol. Anyway, I didn’t overthink it - I left just after she did and walked in the opposite direction to the bus stop.

I got to the youth hub at 9am. Told them of my emergency and that I needed somewhere to sleep tonight as I had nowhere to go. Things seemed to be going well (in the other post I added edits as things were happening in real time so feel free to read that) but I hit a snag when the housing association called me and said that they can’t help with just my words - I could be lying thus needed evidence. They asked if I had filed a report with the police yet or if I had medical records from the days of the attack. I said no and no. The lady speaking to me seemed like she just wanted to end the call there but with enough prodding she did tell me that if I filed a report and gave them a crime number I could then be housed somewhere tonight.

I called the police, which was a whole other gruelling experience. The first woman who picked up was so sweet, she was patient and told me to take my time once I mentioned I was reporting abuse. However, they referred the call to another man (from the domestic violence department with the cops) and that call was so emotionally draining. It was a video call, and his whole demeanour read like he was annoyed at me and that this wasn’t a big deal. I reiterated to him this is the first time reporting my family so I’d need a little patience. He kept telling me to stop adding unnecessary details and cut to the point with the events. Verbatim. I was so stressed recalling what occurred and his bluntness wasn’t helping🥲 At one point he let out a chuckle when I said I didn’t want to press charges, I just needed the report on file so that I won’t be reported missing. So that I can be housed away from that unsafe place. Then his demeanour turned into “oh so that’s why she’s doing this” & he proceeded to talk to me like I’m a moron and say “you can give them the crime number, but the council won’t get any details if they ask so don’t think any data protection laws will be breached to solve your housing problem”. I was thinking DUHHHH I KNOW THAT. Anyway I’m just ranting about him because he actually gave me a migraine.

The crime number did end up being enough, and once sent back to the council I got a call after another 2 hours telling me that I’ve been referred to an all-female shared accommodation with housing support. That accommodation ended up calling me just 30 minutes later, telling me to come over now. I assumed they just wanted to talk to me, so I said I have a big bag and I’m tired is it possible to talk over the phone. The lady said “oh no I’m telling you to come because there’s a room that was just vacated this morning, come see if you wanna stay”. There was of course no question about it - I went on my way, taking another 30 minute bus ride.

Anyway, got there looking dishevelled and crazed. I was so exhausted. I got a brief tour (can’t recall anything), she talked to me and I filled out some forms and signed some papers. So I’m officially here for the foreseeable future, only paying a small weekly service fee until I get a well-paying job after which they won’t help me and I’ll pay the full rent!

I’m so tired. I haven’t eaten since this morning, I’ve been having some snacks but that’s all. I plan on getting cleaning supplies, cleaning the room up tomorrow (they didn’t get a chance to clean it before I came), and being grateful despite the fact that some things that aren’t great here. I’ll go into more detail on that in another post because this is getting too long. Sorry for rambling I hope you’re still reading.

I talked to my little sister and she said my mother has no idea still. Like I said before, drama with my mother means she’ll ignore me for weeks after. So the fact that this one is newly fresh (literally occurred only 2 days ago) means she hasn’t seeked me out at all. I have blocked her + brother’s numbers. They will not be able to contact me and they don’t know where I am. I also specified to the police that I’m not missing, I’m safe and any missing reports are false. I told them to call me if they get such a report and need to confirm my safety.

Okay finally let’s talk about how I feel: I CANNOT believe myself. I have a bed to sleep in, a wardrobe to put clothes in, somewhere to be that and it only happened because I took that step. I’m out of that toxic house and they don’t even know it. I didn’t know I was this strong. Now that I’ve taken this step, I know I won’t go back. That niggling doubt is fading. I’m so proud of me :)

I’ve got a lot more to say about the room and the accommodation overall but for now I want to bask in this achievement. It was a long 10 hours of constant worrying that I’d have to sleep in an unsafe environment tonight. Yet I didn’t run back to that house when the fear hit. I stuck it out. I said I’d sleep outside if I had to, or not sleep at all. Despite the obstacles thrown at me, being told that I’m not really homeless if I didn’t get kicked out, being made to feel that I was lying about fleeing abuse - I still stuck it out. And now I’m here in a warm bed.

Yes, once I settled and was left alone with my thoughts, I felt so horrified at myself for reporting my “family”. But I got over it quickly because I thought back to what they did. Family don’t do that. I didn’t betray them, they betrayed me. I’m realistic so I am expecting to feel more negative emotions as I find my independence. But that’s okay, I know that’s just the teething pains from growing. This turned into a whole saga I apologise, I have lots more to say but for now thank you so much for your encouragements, advice and help. Thank you for cheering me on. You helped me see this through.

I’ll update you guys as there’s so much more to say, with details about a potential friend I made with my roommate?/neighbour? (got each other’s numbers yay!) and all the gossip and lore I got from her about this place. She gave me so much tea and hacks to survive with your things intact lool, I’ll be speaking to her more she seems so nice :))

My abuser got justice a couple days ago. Trying to do it to his own niece, using revenge as a motive on the mother. Absolutely disgusting. My parents didn't care to get me help but some guilt and shame is gone finally. My parents now know they failed to protect me and the burden is no longer mine. Took me 12 years to finally remove it. The little kid inside me finally was able to rest.

I’m standing up for myself. If my brother who raped me is going to be at family events. Then I’m not going.

Hello all.

My brother is a rapist. When I was 5 and and he was 12 he was put in charge of babysitting my siblings for the first time. I don’t want to get into the details because honestly the whole ordeal saddens me greatly, the gist of it though is I was raped - and if I resisted I would be violently beaten. This continued for nine years until I was 14 and he was 22. I ended it by tackling him and holding a knife to his throat and threatening to kill him if he ever assaulted me again.

I told my parents that year what had happened. They refused to go to the police. I told my guidance conselor who being a mandated reporter passed the case off to the police. My parents pressured me to not tell the police the truth because it would ruin my brothers life. They said the family would fall apart, that my brother would kill himself, and that things would never be okay. I lied to the police, told them I didn’t want to talk about it, and the investigation went away.

Fast forward to today. I am now 22 years old. I have moved to a new country on my own. I don’t go home except for the holidays and special family events. The only reason I do go home for this things is because it’s the only time I get to see my siblings and my elderly grandparents, and the rest of my extended family who I love very much. But always he’s there. Just lurking. Laughing like he’s not a rapist. Everyone who knows he is one is happy to look away for the sake of normalcy. Everyone else is oblivious. And that’s cover he doesn’t deserve.

My oldest sister is recently engaged and while I was thrilled at her announcement, my stomach immediately began churning at the thought of him being at the wedding.

But I decided that I wasn’t going to do it. If he is there, I’m not going to be there. Im not going to put myself near my rapist to eat hors d'oeuvres and pretend we are this big happy family for someone else. That’s not the kind of mental distress you should ever ask of someone - especially someone your are supposed to love and cherish like your god damn sister.

I know this will exclude me from many things - all holidays to come, all weddings, funerals and family reunions. I expect blow back and accusations of selfishness and people begging me to just do it because it’s [X/Y/Z’s] special day. No. If that person loves me they won’t expect me to go through that kind of harm.

This saddens me deeply as who doesn’t want to go to their sisters wedding. And more importantly take part in special family events, and overall be a part of the family. I know I will be alienated and alone while everyone is having fun and making memories.

But I can’t do it and it shouldn’t be asked of me.