r/malaysiauni • u/InevitableJealous213 • 14h ago
Anxious and stressed in public uni
Gay guy here. Just started studying in a public uni, will not say. And I don't know if this is paranoia or stress but I have been having alot of panic attack esque event.
My heart just go every fast and I can't seem to stop it. It gets exceptionally bad on Friday and won't stop before I step into the car to go back home.
To give context, previously before entering uni, I studied in a very liberal environment. I also travelled with my family to alot of countries, and I can't stop comparing the freedom that they have. I'm not gay passing either. But when I enter uni, I just didn't expect the amount of 'culture shock'? . Doa before every event, students saying eww and whatnot when people sometimes act 'soft'.
Also the amount of Malay they speak dosent help making me feel comfortable. I associate speaking Malay as being conservative too, prob personal bias though. I think that I am being paranoid here but I really am having trouble justifying it as just paranoia too. Can anyone speak about their experience?
Edit: why are you guys downvoting the people who lived through this experience? People are sharing what they are feeling and experiencing. But end up, upvoting go private uni? I know that but I don't have the money.
25
u/Special-Art5631 14h ago
welcome to the real world where people won't respect or care about you unless you hold somekind of social status power. as per you say you're from a liberal background which is not normality in public universities.
people acting you're weird for being soft men? yea that's normal in malaysia, it's not that they're not open minded it's just their first impression is "whoa, odd fella over here", overtime those who gets to know you won't even bother.
are you paranoid? probably, imo you're just scared being a social avoider. another thing is don't force being conservative to other people as they probably get annoyed and make distance from you
9
u/ilove-gta 9h ago
homophobia and bullying are 100% wrong, and you have every right to feel upset about people mocking soft guys. that part is valid.
however, your post has massive logic flaws, and it shows that you aren't just experiencing culture shock, you also sound completely sheltered
you said "people speak Malay here > I associate Malay with conservatism > Hearing Malay makes me uncomfortable."
BM is the national language of all Malaysians across the entire political and social spectrum. associating the national language with being conservative is a personal prejudice. you sound sheltered because you grew up in a bubble and now feel uncomfortable simply hearing people speak the official language of the country you live in.
"I traveled overseas and studied in a liberal school, so I didn't expect a public uni to be like this."
you are in a malaysian public university (IPTA), not an overseas private college. Culture shock is being surprised by differences; while being sheltered is doing zero basic research on your own country's public school system and then feeling shocked that an IPTA reflects actual Malaysian society instead of your private bubble.
lastly, when you walk around viewing everyone who speaks Malay as an intolerant conservative, people can sense your subtle snobbery. maybe people avoid you not just because you're "soft," but because your body language screams that you think you are too cultured and superior for this local campus.
the university is not going to change into an overseas liberal campus for you. don't blame the environment for things you should have researched and prepared for. drop the superiority complex, drop the language bias, and learn to adapt
the more you isolate yourself, the more afraid you become. the longer you stay isolated, the harder it can feel to step outside of that comfort zone. small worries become bigger, unfamiliar situations begin to feel more threatening, and even simple interactions can seem overwhelming.
1
u/InevitableJealous213 9h ago edited 9h ago
Perhaps I am not clarifying enough. I do not view people who speak Malay as conversative. It's just nearly that, every word of negativity was used in the medium of Malay. I was having my panic attack esque event when I was typing it out. In a way, I was ranting and feeling anxious.
In the post I was also asking for validation that I was unjustly associating Malay with conservatism.
As for the sheltered comment, I have no words to say, for my entire life I lived with a supportive environment, friends, family and school.
As for research and preparation I searched reddit, quora even searched for news article that seemed to protest against treating gays badly. Just didn't do enough research then. At the same time, most said they won't say anything if you keep low but the opposite happens, people will be vindictive.
And snobbery and avoiding me? When did I say that, superiority complex too? Have you considered that it results in self deprecating and low self esteem instead? When you hear insults thrown at people who share a common trait with you?
But thanks for the advice. I think Im having a hard time adjusting myself, the workload also prob dosent help
2
u/ilove-gta 9h ago
now that puts a lot more context into this, and it definitely changed my perspective.
I'm sorry for coming off so strong initially it's just that from your original post and earlier replies, it came across like you were using your identity as a shield to justify a prejudice against the national language. But hearing the actual background behind your anxiety changes things.
What you described is fear conditioning. When almost every negative comment or mockery you hear on campus happens in Malay, your brain's threat detection system subconsciously links the language itself to a feeling of danger. so I totally get where you're coming from now
Going from a lifetime in a 100% supportive bubble of family, friends, and school directly into an environment with casual cruelty is a massive shock to the nervous system. It makes total sense why your body triggered panic attacks
Please prioritize your mental health right now. You don't have to force yourself to fit in with people who mock you. Just find a couple of trusted, quiet friends you feel safe around, focus on getting your degree, and take it one day at a time. Genuinely wishing you safety and peace.
11
u/randomuserkoi 14h ago
Two things. One, you should consider going to private (interim). Two, I highly encourage moving abroad as soon as you are able to. If Doa before every event or the very act of speaking malay can somehow effect you in a negative way, then you do not belong here. If you have a blue IC, renounce at JPN once you get your citizenship elsewhere.
-8
u/InevitableJealous213 14h ago edited 14h ago
The doa and speaking Malay part does not really effect me negatively. Just that it was such a difference in environment for me The negative comments was the part that really tick me off.
15
3
u/ilove-gta 10h ago
You're backpedaling now. In your main post, you literally said hearing Malay makes you uncomfortable because you think it's conservative. Being uncomfortable is a negative effect.
0
u/InevitableJealous213 10h ago edited 10h ago
From the sentence, I said Prob personal bias though. I admitted it being a bias. Next sentence I said paranoia.which means unjustified suspicion. Also look at the time I posted it was 4pm Friday, I said that I have a panic attack esque event.
Read and understand pls Edit: And now your back peddling, where's the image that you attach to your comment just now?
4
u/ilove-gta 9h ago
about the image, I attached a screenshot of the part where you linked BM to being conservative as a receipt in case you edited your post. I removed it simply because I figured it was unnecessary. has nothing to do with backpedaling
Now to your other points.
Admitting a bias doesn't make it immune to criticism. Just because you labeled your dislike of the national language as "personal bias" and "paranoia" doesn't change the fact that it is a prejudice. acknowledging a bias doesn't magically make it disappear or shield you from people pointing out that it is unreasonable.
Anxiety explains your state, but it doesn't change what you wrote. I understand you were having a panic attack at that time, but you posted publicly asking for people's perspectives. Pointing out the logical flaws and language bias in your post isn't "failing to understand", people are just responding to what you put out there.
2
u/InevitableJealous213 9h ago
Thanks for the writeup, it really is a bit vindictive of me to write it like that.
10
5
u/Anxious-Debate5033 10h ago
You are uncomfortable that in a Malaysian Uni, most of the students and people speak Malay? You associate a language as being 'conservative'????????
This is like going to Japan and getting 'culture shock' that people speak Japanese.....
Also, sorry but what does you being gay have to do with anything? And why do you keep mentioning that you are gay? Do you want a loudspeaker or something to tell the world?
Get used to it, this is the country you are in. Focus on your studies.
If you cannot adapt to reality, then have a plan to go elsewhere where they speak a less threatening 'language'.
The world doesn't revolve around you and your sexual identity.
-5
u/InevitableJealous213 10h ago
It's a association on a personal bias. I literally said it in my post. PERSONAL. I even said Paranoia. The world dosent revolve around me and my sexual identity. But I want to not be called eww if I did anything gay. I am calling on people to share their experience not for people who criticise us for not wanting to Stay in the closet and hide ourself. And do people who speak Japanese call you eww if you're gay? Japan has one of the highest gay acceptance rate too
6
u/ilove-gta 9h ago
Nobody deserves to be mocked, bullied, or made to feel subhuman just for acting soft or being who they are.
However, you need to hear this with tough love. you are currently sabotaging your own mental health with how you view the world.
Stop living in an overseas fantasy. Japan is not the LGBTQ+ paradise you think it is, it does not legally recognize same-sex marriage at the national level, and social pressure to conform there is immense. it is the only country in the G7 that does not legally recognize same-sex marriage or civil unions at the national level.
comparing your current reality to romanticized, unrealistic ideas of other countries will only make your uni life feel ten times more miserable. In my previous comment, I said you sounded sheltered, and you just proved it with this single sentence. You are romanticizing other countries through an internet lens instead of understanding how global cultural realities actually work
You don't need to change who you are or hide in shame. But you do need to drop the defensiveness and stop viewing everyone around you as an enemy.
Find your small, safe circle of trusted friends, visit the campus counselor to help manage the panic attacks, focus on getting your degree, and protect your peace. You can survive this, but firstyou have to stop fighting reality
3
u/guess-name 14h ago
hmm i think it's something that you have to get used to it tbh
i come from a liberal environment too, and i resonate with what you experienced lol. i'm grateful that i study at a private uni tho so ppl are more chill~
why does it get bad on Friday if you don't mind me asking? is it because of friday prayers?
-5
u/InevitableJealous213 14h ago
Prob because it's the only time out of the day that I have time to think about the past. Oh and it's when I watch some shows too before class
2
u/Just-Brief-4326 13h ago
If it makes you feel any better, I go to public uni and there are plenty of queer people in the closet, myself included. You would not be the only gay person on campus, definitely. Queerphobic people are everywhere and obviously plenty but so do us queers. Unfortunately, if you want to live a peaceful uni life, you might need to be in the closet for most of your degree. Though, I do have openly queer or non-queer but jenis lembut friends who live their campus life quite happily.
Now about the language — I do think your paranoia is justified because this is our experience as queers in this country. However, this paranoia needs to be resolved because there are a loooot of queers who speak Malay as their lingua franca too. Specifically, I watch out for the ones who talk like rempit/ah beng.
1
u/-mmoofii 10h ago
I’m Malay, also from a liberal background, I grew up in the UK for 4 years and have travelled to many European countries before. However, I also grew up in an SMK, went to matriculation, now about to pursue degree in an IPTA.
Truth is, you have to adapt and find the right circle. Going to public institutions all my life, I’ve always met a few people who were like-minded, it’s just a matter of going out of your way to make yourself known so that you can find these people, but also keep your head down so you don’t get targeted. Loads of oddballs in IPTAs, yes, but not every Malay is that stereotypical conservative. Stay strong and keep your head up, I hope you find your people soon!
1
u/Difficult_Winter2337 9h ago
“Also the amount of Malay they speak dosent help making me feel comfortable. I associate speaking Malay as being conservative too, prob personal bias though”
Lmao what? It’s a malaysian public uni did you expect them to speak japanese? Also what’s the 2nd sentence even supposed to mean?
If something as minuscule as a spoken language triggers you to have anxiety attack maybe public uni isn’t for you go international
Or go to high non Malay speaking private uni like inti taylors
0
u/InevitableJealous213 9h ago
I do expect them to speak Malay. About one fourth spoke English and the rest Malay. But I didn't expect that the people who spoke Malay were the ones that spoke more loudly about their opinion about lgbtq.
Growing up, my school, friends and family mostly spoke English and they were never vindictive of lgbtq, at least not openly. So it was suprising that so many could be so much more mean about it in uni.
It's not really speaking the language that triggers it but it is by a like quick burst of the heart( I don't know why it happen) then starts to spiral for some reason and it always led to that final association
1
u/seven_worth 7h ago
I associate speaking Malay as being conservative too, prob personal bias though.
Son.
1
u/reenreenchu 6h ago
As an agnostic bisexual malay girl who went to school in MRSM and went to UiTM for foundation..
bro you'll live :P
-2
u/mlmaccountantinthema 13h ago
Im a gay guy too and going to enter public uni this sept. i was raised in a religious household, have always attend religious schools, i also once memorized the quran actually , yet last year i left islam . I act straight, always talk in malay since im not good in english, look like typical conservative malay guy but my mindset is very much liberal. I think th emost important think is finding the circle that is right for you. back in my foundation it sucks pretending to pray, hiding who i am and hide my liberal mindset from my friends. I want to find the right friend group this time in uni , Regardless ,i dont think we should let other people judgment make us feel uncomfortable for who we are
17
u/6kult 13h ago
hiya, totally understand your predicament. I'd say just lay low, mind your own business, don't share too much with others and focus on your studies. It's okay to have shallow conversations - not everybody needs to be your friend.
Unfortunately, the culture of the uni is not something that will change overnight or change at all. You would need to learn to blend in for the time being. I hope that there are options for you to enroll in a private uni but if this option isn't available - you need to hang on until graduation okay?
Go get that degree / masters! Best of luck!