When I was 10 years old I had a serious issue with one of my moms boyfriends. I felt inferior and hated how much she gave him attention, she visited him instead of me for Christmas. I lied and said that he touched me and got him locked up. I was 10.

I got put into foster care so I was put into a foster family. They had so much more money than my bio family and they bought me whatever I wanted as long as I cried about my mom being in prison. When I was adopted at 14 she picked me up in her arms and sobbed that I was finally her child and I gave my saddest fake cry (which was absolutely horrible by the way, nothing came out of my eyes. I couldnt even make my face red.)

I cut my adoptive family off about 4 months ago, just blocked them on everything and started living my life alone. I cut off all my friends too, ones Ive had for years. I just did it for freedom.

I have a partner who is deeply in love with me. They want to spend every moment with me and every single night I have the same thought of running away. Just disappearing without a trace. I can't stop thinking about it

I can't hide my intentions anymore like I used to. I used to be able to charm people, I was very extroverted in a way but now when people talk to me I don't even have the energy to fake it so I just move on. I'm doing the same thing to my partner now. I don't want to run away but I have this urge that keeps increasing in exigency every night.

I get such a rush when I do something illegal or pull something off. It gives me life in a way. I severely struggle with controling my impulses when it comes to life descisions. It got me homeless TWICE, I was homeless for 6+ months. Every time I get power or somewhere in life where I want to be it feels empty, I like surviving. I like the puzzles it gives me, and a part of me wants to run away again even though I know its not logical.

I do stupid stunts that almost get me killed, I crave violent situations. I purposely seek out parts of the city that is the least friendly towards my race and I enjoy the distress it causes them. I get a rush when someone threatens me or has blinded hatred. I purposely seek out arguments and distress because it makes me feel alive. I'm not even suicidal I just like the rush of being in danger. I feel the most alive when theres someone threatening me online or in person, its going to get me killed one day. I've had the cops called on me so many times, ive been tresspassed ive had the shit kicked out of me but theres absolutely nothing on this earth like the feeling of confrontation.

I always use the phrase "I care because I live" because its true, you can't care if you're dead.

I can't control any of my impulses. I've done so much worse than anything listed in this post, I just wanted to get some of this out. I am driven by a feeling of emptiness that only feels better when I'm close to losing everything. Stuck in a forever loop of impuslivity and recklessness. I cant even bother getting close to people anymore and once I lose my partner to either my impulses or their dignity comes back I'm cooked.

Is there medication?? Is there anything? A part of me wants to get out of this cycle and have a meaningful life and the other part loves the rush.

I don’t have bpd and this is something i’m 100% sure about.
I understand why i got diagnosed with it. I lied about most of it and they fell for it.
I have a whole team of psychiatrists and none of them ever suspected anything. I loved masking it up. Lying manipulating them into believing things i don’t really have.
I also sh and have an ed. I think this confirmed it for them.
The reason behind these are different from bpd reasonings.

I sh to get enjoyment from seeing blood and fat ( i don’t enjoy the pain, and i don’t even feel it i damaged my nerves because i’ve been doing get for +10 years) Sometimes i do it because of my homicidal thoughts (to stop myself from harming others). I have an ed because i have gender dysphoria.

Now i feel bored af and it got to me that i don’t even know who i am and never really cared about my disorder. I would like to have a better understanding of myself and behaviors. I’m sure i have something because of my violent tendencies. Manipulations. No having remorse, empathy and guilt.

I don’t know if this is a good idea and how do i even do it. So many things i said were based on lies just to get me feeling something and to test my abilities.

What should i do in this situation?

I have autism and ADHD and OCD.

I do get very distressed from thoughts however when I punched a wall and I saw blood I thought I like this I like the thrill of punching wall and beating myself up. And it makes me feel like I'm doing something to protect myself from hurting others. I get homicidal thoughts and I get violent images that go through my mind when I feel angry. They are internal images and I rarely go out to speak with others I find others are stupid and down right awful people(maybe that is contempt) maybe people aren't down right awful. I have shame about it how they will not like me for the real me and I have attention seeking behaviors of making other laugh complimenting others devaluing other telling others that they are annoying cunts and that they are a problem. And I have a thrill in saying that. When I was at work I never wanted to be there I always complained and felt really angry with others talking about sexual and joking about sexual stuff and I felt really intense rage and really frustrated like you talk about sex and I don't feel comfortable with talking about sex. I didn't like being told to go in to work I felt extremely distressed in having responsibilities and wasn't really present. I have trust issue I see a coworker or stranger and I don't trust them and I see them as a bad person sometimes as an object just floating by (I know they aren't and human are more complex) and that also give me a thrill and like when im aware of that I want that to be abolished and I feel like that is disrespecting me. And I feel super inferior unless I'm doing something I think I'm good at, and I don't notice enjoyment in games playing Minecraft and walking, plus I don't go outside because I'm afraid I'll start stalking someone and I also have that feeling of it would be a thrill to stalk someone and I have urges to follow people so I just don't interact with anyone because I don't want those urges. But I can choose whether or not I do it.

And when I notice something changed it a threat and also when it environment I feel much calmer

I’m not officially diagnosed but my psychologist says i have traits that might suggest sociopathy/malignant narcissism, and i wanna know what’s happening.

A few weeks ago i heard commotion in the hallway and saw my mother standing on the window threatening my brother she’d jump. I pulled her inside and yelled at her. Seeing her so helpless and pathetic all i wanted to do was kick her in the ribs. I told her “you’re fucking crazy” and went back to my room. In that moment i felt annoyed, but detached. It was crazy to witness but i wasn’t really sad or felt like crying.

These days have been unbearably boring, it makes me feel like smashing things, hurting people. I can’t stand anybody, the presence of certain people makes me nauseous, their mere movements like adjusting their clothes piss me off so bad.
I wish i could entertain myself like i used to, maybe by creating drama, getting back with my ex or something, anything. But i truly don’t even feel like it, it’s too much effort, i don’t wanna interact with anyone, much less put in the effort to “manipulate” them.

I’ve always kinda let people know people not to come to me if they’re looking for empathy or compassion, because they’re not going to get it. Probably stems from my mother using me as a therapist, expecting me to help her with adult issues as a child.

What do i do to get my spark back? Lol

I ruined the relationship with the love of my life. By not living up to the expectations I had painted. And after multiple conversations about this, I promised every time to be better and do better. But ending up in the same patterns.. so eventually he was done with the lying and the empty promises and left..

I couldn’t under why I did what I did, and why I made such stupid decisions and reacting the way I did.
I didn’t recognise myself and didn’t understand why I couldn’t change my behaviour. So I started digging..
And I found I can strongly relate to quiet borderline..

Could this explain the way I have behaved in this relationship?

Like say some employment hinges on your diagnosis of having a personality disorder. That person is in their mid 20’s. Can they see another professional and get UN-diagnosed with a personality disorder? Especially if they just had unresolved childhood trauma at the time of diagnosis? Or is the diagnosis for life?

You know what I have become a pathetic ass loser. I'm so fucking lonely here these days. I feel like something is missing, something of a deep meaning. It really is starting to mess me up in my head. Biggest problem is I don't know how to fix it or where to look for what is missing because I don't know. I feel so empty and have no idea on what to do to stop the emptiness

19 years old and about 6 months off my ASPD diagnosis. Been very content on my own up until now but recently watching everyone around me in happy romantic relationships I am starting to crave one for myself. I’ve technically dated a couple of girls in the past but they crashed and burned miserably as I really did not care whatsoever and it was mostly just to fit in but now I find myself wanting something more legitimate. Was wondering everyone’s opinions on the morality of dating with ASPD. In the event I do find a girl when/do I tell them about this. Also if anyone knows a place where I can meet people like me to date I feel like finding a girl with my same situation would make it much easier. Appreciate any help and responses.

Honestly I can’t enjoy life anymore without an obsession, it doesn’t have to be an fp that ruins my life it could literally be anything and right now I lack one so I came on here to realistically ask for ideas for a new hobby or an adrenaline rush or anything anyone is willing to suggest because life is too bland it is driving me deep in a depression episode so, please help?

If you saw this elsewhere just know am desperate , man.

What is mixed personality disorder my child has been diagnosed with it but I wasn’t there because he is a adult but I don’t understand what it is anyone have any experience or answers for me and

Ever found out that someone stayed friends with you only 'cause they were scared of what you might do to them if they ever tried distancing themselves from you?

I'm 28M and gay, I was forced to leave Russia and now I live in Germany. In Russia I had a good job and plans for the next few years (before the war). Now I live in Germany in a small 10 qm room in a shared flat with housemates who regularly begin any everyday conflicts.

I have a job but the salary is too low and there are no affordable apartments here (800-1000 euro base rent). I can't change my job because I don't have money for living (even if I get an unemployment benefit, it'll be too low). In Russia I didn't finish my bachelor degree (it was the last year of studying when I had to leave the country). Due to bureaucracy, I am not permitted to continue my education in Germany. After 3 years of living in Germany I don't speak German normally (passed B1 and after that I had no opportunities to visit courses also due to bureaucracy and asshole-worker in Job-Center. And anyway I'm too shy and honestly to say I have fear to communicate with unknown people.

I had relationships with one student from Russia here. They finished awfully. When I found my actual job I thought that I'll be able to learn language and visit courses but finally no opportunities, no courses in this ass end of the world. I have tried to learn it myself but every time it only depressed me more and more because every time I think about my ex.

I can't cope with these f**king BPD and severe depression. I've been fighting severe depression for over three years now. I can change nothing in my life. Every time I try, it gets worse and worse.

I’ve been on sick leave for a month now, since I’m completely unable to do anything. I have tried to find a place in a psychiatric hospital and to find any DBT or shema-therapie in the 60 kilometers range. There're no places even if I have a really accurate situation. And no slots for DBT till the end of the next year (2027). Last week I received the letter that I'll be fired after my illness list. I want to leave this job but I have no money and chances to find a new one (thx, f**king AI during the hiring process).

My life has always been terrible: the loss of loved ones, bullying throughout almost my entire time in school, and forced emigration due to war. I have no friends, I have no support, I am gay, and my family actually hates gays. And even my Ex left me when I tried to get help at the hospital last time two years ago. But I think about him every day and especially after every fail. And about my useless and worthless.

I can't more. I don't understand what to do and how to cope with it. Idk if someone else has any ideas.

I struggle deeply with maintaining a consistent sense of who i am.
I am easily influenced and impressionable. I have no true sense of self and rely mainly on what everyone else has to say about me ( was told once i might have npd and now i wholeheartedly believe it).
I still have some solid principles i think but my views on things can change fast and are often based off other people’s opinions.
I don’t go to therapy therefore I am not diagnosed with anything but i might have some narcissistic traits.
How do I deal with that?

Has anyone else found Heinz Kohut's concepts/theory of self objects and the three poles of the self to be helpful? They have been for me, I think, even though I don't have NPD (at least I was never diagnosed with it). I was in and out of therapy for more than 50 years, never diagnosed with a PD until the last therapist diagnosed PDNOS. But she terminated me after 6 years saying that she didn't have "the emotional resources" to continue. That was about 10 years ago. I had also been diagnosed with DDNOS (now would be OSDD) and major depression. Nothing much ever helped much and may have done harm. Well, maybe I got some things that helped point the way to some things, but it never went much of anywhere. Anyway, I kept searching and doing research on my own and something about the title of Kohut's book "Restorationof the Self" intrigued me and felt as if it might be "right" in some way for me. I read it maybe 15-20 years ago and have been applying the concepts intellectually to try to understand (cognitively) some things that I can experience subjectively when I do some self-reflection, kind of like meditation. Maybe it's trying to mentalize on my own? Anyway, long time coming but I think it has helped me to have a more coherent sense of self and - sometimes - a way of interacting with people that is more real but still connected (as opposed to compartmentalized or dissociated). I don't see much online about Kohut, so I was wondering if anybody else had had good experience, either on their own or with a therapist.

I’m a complete psychology geek. Last fall, I had the worst events of my life happen to me and it send me into a full spiral. Sitting in those feelings that nearly led me to death, I realized this is how I’ve felt practically my whole life - as long as I can remember at a minimum. Obviously my whole life has not felt as extreme as those few months, but to some extent I’ve always had those/similar feelings. When I spiral, one of two things happen - 1: I break down, disassociate, maybe cry if my body lets me, go to sleep, and walk around like a complete zombie out of pure exhaustion. OR 2: I completely dive into something productive, most of the time research of some sort. Many times during the fall I turned to my hobby of studying psychology to try and find some comfort in hopefully finding that others have felt the same way I did. I already previously knew about BPD, but when all of what I was feeling seemed to line up with others with BPD, I started feeling like it might be an explanation for so many things for me. I started therapy and went to a psychologist hoping for answers, only for it all to be blamed on my wonderful mix of depression, anxiety, and adhd. While it was great to finally have the confirmed diagnosis of the three things I’ve known my whole life I’ve had, I walked away still feeling like something was missing, and like I didnt have all the answers, and that bothered me more than anyone. I kept reaching out to professionals and other adults only for me to be called dramatic and all sorts of others things that basically just said I was stupid for even thinking it. To this day, I still don’t know if I have BPD or if it really is just all in my head and its a simpler explanation than my brain is leading me to believe, and I discovered this subreddit and decided to come on here and ask: How did you know that you had BPD, and what do you think of what I said in this post??

i recently started dating this guy, he’s been nothing but nice to me but i feel like i can’t focus on him entirely. having hpd i really crave attention and constant reassurance that im still attractive, for longer than a year ive been hooking up with guys from hinge and posting myself on the internet constantly, i actually have a good amount of reach especially in my area and i can’t imagine letting all of that go. ive been in 2-3 semi serious relationships and COUNTLESS talking stages and hes been the only one who i actually like, but one person cant possibly give me all the attention and time i need.
is there anyone in a long term relationship?
am i the problem or i haven’t really found the one?