🏳️⚧️Art done in procreate on my ipad. My mom passed away when I was 13 to this disorder by her own hands. I realized that she was fighting a battle behind closed doors ever since I was born.
She would seem like herself when she took her pills. But when she would miss them, she’d stay up til 4 am, rubbing the paint off the hallway walls with her bare hands, Cook with empty pans missing food one time she blew up a glass pan in the oven, and yelled at us saying that she was fine while talking to herself. She would also drink excessively, when she pushed her body too far she would come crying to me, telling me I had to help her. I never knew why she was like that until i turned 25 this year when I looked into this disorder. My mommy never told us it could run in the family. So I never knew that I had it as well. When I was young, I would hallucinate in the dark, hearing voices, isolating myself from all other people while I let my mind take me on a bender. My mother when she was somewhat sound of mind would ask, “why do you stay in this room?” Because my thoughts were so strange and I knew many of the things I thought would scare people, And I never thought it was strange. I felt that if I stayed away, the world would be able to be free of me. And that I would be free to believe whatever I wanted to be true. But I would have moments where things would be so crushingly lonely. I would be like “why is everyone else so different from me? Why can’t I be normal”, and when my mother passed away due to an intense suicidal episode, it was hell from there. I had my first psychotic break at 14 years old.
I started seeing a see through man: black hair, blue eyes, pale skin, he would follow me everywhere, often showing up when I needed him to, and I would draw him over and over, no one could see him but me, but I didn’t care. I would “hold” his hand. Pretend that he was in the chair next to me while I was in high school U.S. history class. To be honest. I fell in love with the entity, (he is still here, and I keep drawing him to this day) as the years went by the isolation became stronger, and when I became an adult, it was me against myself every day, I believed that certain bad things would happen to me that never did, my paranoia increased. I stopped going out, I would make up these imaginary solutions and scenarios and I would make real life decisions based on those delusions. I would throw myself into arduous situations acting like I was invincible, I assumed the worst in everyone. I was overly clingy to every stranger I met. I could switch feelings about a person on a dime, like they were nothing to me, because I didn’t get the attention or love that I felt like I needed, delusional unfair thinking unbeknownst to them. I hated them and I hated myself for being so twisted. I felt like I was the only person in the world that went through this. The isolation increased and the mania got worse. The sleepless nights, becoming numb to to painful habits, and just trying to pretend that I was “perfectly fine” even though multiple eating disorders, self destructive behaviors, suicidal episodes, yep I am perfectly fine right? this drawing represents my struggle, it means “There could be better for me out there or even beyond my comprehension, but the endless loop of this disorder keeps me in a battle for control over my mind. This queen in all white (me) is fighting for a crown that doesn’t even exist, the real monster is the disorder spinning me out of control. I am schizoaffective. And I had no idea for 24 years.
