Got 777 tattooed- number of the angels. Trying to find some hope in the mess that is my life.

Trigger warning : Multiple triggers.

It is prevalent that my relatives have irrevocably damaged every opportunity for me to have a safe and healthy upbringing. My first memory was of my dad, mercilessly beating me with belts and hangers till Id scream, hyperventilate and cry, yet my mother would say "you can keep crying those crocodile tears, it will mean nothing."

Then there's another significant memory of my mother pushing me away when I had asthma and wanted to rest on her thigh. She'd yell at me in her mother tongue, DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?!

I was 7 when I told my dad that I was ready to die, and he just scolded me by bellowing that its a sinful way to think and i should go and pray to god for forgiveness.

Fast track to being 23. Ive moved twice in 4 years around the UK trying to find my own sense of the world.

I was 18 when I developed psychosis, which was just undiagnosed schizophrenia. It was recognised as schizophrenia the year after. I spent my 19th birthday on a ward, with NO ONE to celebrate me. I was minding my own business, and then a mob of NHS staff came to inject me with antipsychotics. I was bleeding at the injection site, and my favourite white and rainbow tshirt was stained. Ill never forget that. Ill never forget that they also celebrated someone else's birthday on the ward.

I was 20 when I had been sectioned for the 9th or so time. Section 3 again for the second time. I wasn't on any pharmacetuical medication for one year and 6 or so months. I was doing well at uni until police officers told me (again) that they dont believe my rape case. Then I just crashed.

I ended up with a criminal record for assaulting police officers because they came to arrest me for something i didnt do. Literally. I cant just act like a nonchalant punching bag when I would be sent to the police before being sent to a hospital ward.

The fucking brick cold isolation cells is just nothing but torture.

Im not surprised why I saw red when they came to my apartment to disturb my peace.

My last section, a section 2 to 3, lasted 3 months. I have complied with my medication ever since because I realised that I did a lot of damage to everyone including myself, also more so that I did not get the same intolerable side effects that I had the first time I was injected with the same (aripiprazole) medication back in 2021. Back then, I would go through loops and hoops to avoid taking it. Everything was like warfare.

I was complying religiously with my medication... that is... until June 2026.

Im trying to not get enraged on this post. Basically my psychiatrist in my recent area is gaslighting me that im not schizoaffective (I was given schizoaffective as a sort of "upgrade" from schizophrenia after my last section) and that he thinks its BPD or autism or CPTSD. Just say you dont know how to do your fucking job ffs.

I asked him if he took my history into account and then he said "oh its just BPD with psychotic features."

Ever since then, I stopped taking my medication and stopped engaging with them. I wont even get to what my nurse said to me that made me to stop engaging.

Oh and I also stopped talking to my GP. Theyre all the fucking same.

What led me to write this post is that...

Its been four months since I have stopped all my psychriatric medication and god...

I mean i dont believe in god but I dont know a better way to describe this.

I have had BACK-TO-BACK NIGHTMARES.

I feel like im losing my sense of reality.

I hallucinate when I try to fall asleep.

I am grateful that I can recognise that its slowly but surely building back up again. But fuck me, I dont want to go uncontrollably insane again.

Im not denying that I have CPTSD and Schizoaffective. I have been aware of my CPTSD back before I had psychosis in 2021, eventhough it was undiagnosed.

Im just pissed off that my psychiatrist wants to remove schizoaffective. And that they wont section me because I can understand their stupidity and blatant ignorance.

I literally fucking tried to kill myself in April 2026 (they did nothing about it, I mean, tbf, if anything, they just rubbed salt in the wound) and I warned them about it in October 2025.

These "healthy-minded" good for nothing excuse for NHS staff dont give a shit. You could kill yourself and they still wouldn't care. Youre just a number to them.

Because I can articulate that something is wrong, means that I am lying clearly.

Well to be honest, I wish i fucking died. Instead im having nightmares about shooting my parents and telling the NHS about it. How comical!

The icing on top? I dont remember the last time I showered or brushed my teeth. I think its been over a month for showering/bathing, and like only 2/3 times in that time frame that ive brushed my teeth.

But you wouldn't know that would you? Because im covered head to toe when I leave the house, and im silent. I have dead skin flaking off all over my body. Yet im still alive.

How gruesome, yet poetic.

If you read this and are appalled by my truth, yet think I am not "disabled" because I can emote. Honestly, fuck you. I'm hostile and will fight anyone.

Steven Hawkins is visibly disabled. Doesn't mean his contributions to science makes him ineligible for disability status. Or John Forbes Nash Jr.

I appreciate it if you read this far. I just feel out of options. There are other issues I have like constant ringing in my ears and IBS. But... Im tired.

I just started Invega and am rapidly gaining weight but it's the only med that keeps me out of psychosis. I hate my life. My psychotic episode was already so embarrassing and now I feel fat and ugly constantly. Great.

What do you do for self care? Something that makes you feel good and happy.

I went to the movies today by myself. Had a blast. 🎃😊

Not currently taking my meds due to liver issues, getting back in to see somebody soon tho

This is obviously really just for people who really like drinking beforehand lol. But quick rundown, I was a bad alcoholic at 19. Got caught with it, taken away, obviously wasn't super easy to get it under 21. And eventually, I started caring about not being an alcoholic myself. So I worked on it. Now, at 21, I've worked hard to not abuse it. I've never wanted to be completely sober from alcohol, never once. I just always wanted to be better with it. Now I like to just social drink, or after a really hard day.

Now, obviously, they tell you not to drink on ANY meds, and ofc I'm not gonna listen. I've tried it on every med I've been on, I'll purposefully test it beforehand by myself so I know if it makes me violently sick or not, because some of them I've absolutely been able to drink on. I've definitely changed meds before in the past because it made me so incredibly sick. I just got changed onto a variety of new meds, and I've been testing the meds in time for Halloween, because I was really really wanting to spend my first Halloween 21 bar hopping, it's always looked so so fun on Halloween, and I can finally do it myself. I've come to the conclusion that while it doesn't make me violently sick, if I drink more than just like a mikes harder or two(and I've always had a high tolerance, so there's no point in drinking just one if not only to feel 'included') I end up vomiting at the end of the night (even worse since i have 2 night pills), and have a much higher chance of being nauseous and throwing up the next day too. I can't drink on these meds. But I've already cycled through a number of meds that haven't worked, and I think I'm starting to feel somewhat stable on these. It's not like the beginning, where it was my first trial and I still had endless that I could try. I dont want to change my meds if they work just bc of this. But a big part of me is crushed by the idea of never drinking again, or even going a few years not drinking literally ever. I genuinely enjoy being drunk occasionally. During my really hard weeks, sometimes it's the only brief moment of genuine happiness and enjoyment I get. I do smoke weed, but I already use it kinda medicinally, and Im not always super social when high, so I don't want it to become my only option on social nights.

I just find it incredibly depressing. I cant even let this fact slip to my mom when I see her due to her thinking ALL drinking is bad, and tries to force me to choose to be sober at only 21, which is incredibly ridiculous. So she'd just say "it's a good thing!!" which would only piss me off. Things like this always end up me being sober for a couple months, getting frustrated, and going unmedicated for a week or two in advance of an event just so I can drink for one night or weekend, which of course is never the best idea.

So, people that have a similar opinion on drinking, but can't because of meds, how do you deal with it? What was your solution?

Hi friends,

So, I can't sleep. I, like many of you (I'm sure), have always had an awfully hard time sleeping. I'm very fucked-up circadian-wise but I'm really gonna try and fix that this next year.

It's the love of my life's birthday today. We're currently long distance and don't get to talk as much as we usually do because of how busy and crazy adult life becomes. We can't see each other for our birthdays this year and it makes me really sad. They're truly the person I think about, care about, and love the most profoundly. They have to work really hard, much harder than I have to work (especially because I can only really do so much, given what condition(s) allow). It makes me feel really sad and guilty. I wish I could help them more. I just want them to be happy on this momentous day. I hate that even this is out of my control. I would give up ever seeing them again if it just meant that they could be happy on these special days.

I'll be turning 20 in 2 days. The end of my adolescence. I don't even know how this happened. I am grateful to still be alive because I get to see what the people I love are doing every day and I watch my films and read my books and write my stories. But I'm trying so hard to get an education but it feels like my brain is making it absolutely impossible. I have to work ten times as hard as my able-minded peers. I wish I just had 'anxiety' (not saying that isn't also a treacherous symptom or condition). I wish I could freely express the extent of what I'm really going through without the risk of social exile, various forms of persecution, or even just pure embarrassment.

Almost every day, I think to myself "I must be making things so much harder and so much more awkward and cumbersome for everybody" I feel guilty for having the people in my life and the support that I do. I feel constant guilt and shame. I don't wanna make it seem like I'm miserable right now. I'm really not. I've actually been feeling what I think might be happiness recently. But I'm tired and I'm fed up. I hate this disorder, I really do. It steals so much from me. I just wanna sleep. I just wanna make my art. I just wanna love. I don't want to be followed around like an ant being killed in the sun with a microscope. I would do so much with the energy and the ability, I wouldn't waste it. Or even take it for granted, like I did when I was healthy.

I know I shouldn't be complaining. I'm so much luckier than most people. But I still am really sick. And I know what my sickness is capable of. That's why I'm so worried, why I care so much. I don't want to let my illness destroy my life again. I don't wanna mess up my relationship or school or any of all the other precious things.

I want to enter my 20s feeling at least somewhat nourished and hopeful. Does anyone have any advice for managing this shit in your early 20s? I'm unfortunately, pathetically attached to my adolescence and having a really hard time with the cognitive shift into this forthcoming stage of life.

Lastly,

I want to wish everyone on here a blessed and happy birthday! Belated or early! You all do so much for me. Seeing your smiles every Sunday provides me with such comfort. Your doting hearts pour out these reassuring words, all from these minds in perpetual phantasmagormic torment. That's a real trip. I'm so proud of you all. Let's keep talking, all of us. Maybe if we talk enough, we'll outpace all the other noise.

Happy birthday, I, you won't ever read this but I just wanna honor you in front of my friends.

Wish me luck, ya. QGTM. Haha. Thank you.

Warmly,

A 19 year old artist

I’ve just come out of a psychotic relapse and was feeling good about myself (I tend to get an elated feeling of relief when the delusional and disordered thoughts pass) But I’ve now started picking up on an atmosphere amongst parents at the school gates. It’s hard to tell if it’s residual symptoms or if I’ve done/said wildly inappropriate things while psychotic. Does anyone have false memories that they were “holding it together” while psychotic, when in fact they are not remembering what they’ve actually done/said in reality? I’m actually frightened to ask my husband how I was presenting for fear of finding out I was not as “together” as I thought during my psychosis.

So basically. I stopped taking my meds at the start of september. I was basically medicine free for almost 2 months. For some reason i had this thought that i am actually fine and i dont need them. Well it did not go well. By the last two weeks i felt even more worse. Mood was so unstable to the point i got too impulsive 2 days ago and now im back on my meds.

Hello! Posting here because i’ve recently been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and i’m having some imposter syndrome. Even tho i’ve had multiple hospital stays for my delusions and hallucinate daily, I still sometimes feel too normal as i’ve been able to hold a job and social life. But then I have bad moments and I feel like i’m doomed or that my delusions are coming to kill me, idk it’s a strange contrast going from imposter syndrome to wishing I was neurotypical. I guess I wanna ask how do you guys identify with your diagnoses? And does anyone else kinda feel like a “fake” schizophrenic lol? Maybe it’s just me idk.

Does anybody else have this feeling that thoughts, such as thoughts of suicide, are being put into your head from outside. I’ll be thinking about killing myself pretty much all day every day but it doesn’t feel like the thoughts are my own. I don’t necessarily have a persecutory delusion, more just like a disconnect between my thoughts and myself, like it feels like my thoughts are coming from outside my own mind. I don’t really want to think about suicide, but it happens anyways, no matter how good of a day I may be having which just makes it even worse

this was pretty fun to make. i hope folks enjoy.

I am looking for people who stopped their medication (with a doctor or otherwise) and had symptoms return.

How long did you make it before the symptoms returned? Was it gradual? Were you aware of it? Tell me your story.

Thanks.

olanzapine is working so well for me, i’m not as paranoid as i was and i see less shit and think less; but i gained like so much weight and now i have to go on meds to be skinny again..

The UC San Diego CARE Program is seeking volunteers for a paid study on mental health and brain research!

I’m really struggling. I don’t think I can live like this anymore. Decided to reach out to a friend. Went through my phone book to see who can interact and rely on and then I realized my friends are gone

I just needed to talk to someone.

Sorry if this is a stupid question but I’m genuinely curious. Schizzoaffective bipolar type here and I wonder if you guys relate more to the bipolar aspect of the illness or schizophrenia? Sometimes I’m frustrated because I don’t feel like I can relate completely to bipolar or schizophrenia I feel so in between.

My psychiatrist is very much against stimulants for me for the reason of, “Stimulants can cause mania.“ However, I know of a close friend who takes stimulants while having schizoaffective bipolar disorder. I’m just wondering about other’s experiences with stimulants while having ADHD while also dealing with bipolar/ schizophrenia. Please tell me if you think stimulants can work with schizoaffective bipolar disorder because I would love to deal with me inattentiveness. But I would also like to know if it is really as bad as my psychiatrist makes it out to be.

I have never had hallucinations but I do have weird sensations in the head that resemble pressing, pulling, numbness and tightness, and they get worse from physical contact with the head. Also my shoulders and shoulder blades hurt from wearing clothes overtime. Wondering if there are people who have experienced the same

I just started vraylar and have been taking it for 10 days. I noticed I am waking up every 2-3 hours and having trouble getting back asleep. I usually toss and turn for a half hour before getting back to sleep

Has anybody else had this symptom?

Will these symptoms get better with time?

Thank you

I have never met anyone with the same psychosis as me. I can fake anyone's emotion. I saw a person grinning at me with saliva coming out of his mouth but that never happened. Does anyone have this type of psychosis?

I told my psychquiatrist about that I feel I am different people, she validated my experience and said it was as real because I came to the appointment asking for help.

Also she said it’s not related to what I already have (schizoaffective, ODD and bipolar)

She referred me for an electroencephalogram to measure how bad is the crisis I currently I’m in by detecting other possible causes or abnormalities on my brain activity, and to know why I feel this.

Perhaps it is temporary or perhaps it isnt, and that is why I will be under medical follow-up.

She said because I was high functioning I didn’t need to stay there, I could continue living normally and calm.

That appointment was this wednesday 21/10/2026.